Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Wow, thank you!

Hello.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

Is it me, or has Bono REALLY let himself go?

How much does one of these cost and how much extra...?

I'll tell you what, some journalists have got weird names.

Hello, my name is Lesbian.

Over on BBC Breakfast,

Susanna Reid described what her orgasms sound like.

It sounds like a dwarf, driving a truck

without being able to reach the pedals.

"Ngggah! Ngggah!"

Mine are more kind of, "Mmm."

Finally, this has to be the best delayed reaction I've ever seen.

So the major story in the news was, of course, the local elections.

Millions of voters have been casting their ballots.

Labour trounced the Conservatives in the local elections.

David Cameron apologised to Tory candidates who'd lost their seats.

Sorry.

Mind you, if you think the Tories had a bad night,

look what happened to the Lib Dems.

In one council ward in Edinburgh, their candidate was even beaten

by a man dressed as a penguin.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Beaten by a man dressed as a penguin!

"Good night?"

"No. I lost to Pingu."

This guy wins my award

for most literal piece of journalism of the week.

A shout, a wave, and a reassuring pat on the back

followed by a few more waves and then some handshakes.

That is the Ronseal of journalism.

"Now he's walking using his feet, left, right, left, right.

"Left, right.

"Left, right. Left, right.

"Left, right.

"Left, left, bit of hopping, left."

Sky News and BBC One blew the budget on fancy graphics.

So, the Conservatives are still the largest party.

David Cameron comes into this election expecting to lose seats.

BBC Scotland? They went to Poundland.

All the candidates who have reached that magic number are in.

The big election story was definitely the battle

to become London Mayor.

In the last couple of weeks, the candidates have lost it.

Ken Livingstone told us he only likes dead people.

Favourite Londoner?

Favourite Londoner? No-one who's currently alive.

Jenny Jones came across as a bit of a goer.

-Favourite place in London?

-My bedroom.

And Brian Paddick revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.

Ooh, Sherlock Holmes!

To be honest, there was only ever going to be one winner.

Boris Johnson is re-elected Mayor of London.

-Are you ready?

-"No," is the answer.

"I haven't a bloody clue!

"Didn't even know I was Mayor."

Did you see why Boris' dad reckons he won?

Why is it Boris is possibly the most popular Tory in London?

It's probably to do with his hair,

you know, hair counts for a lot nowadays.

I've still got a bit of hair but he has more hair.

I love the fact you weren't sure that was his dad,

and the second he started talking, "Oh, no, it's definitely Boris'..."

He's great, isn't he? "Nothing to do with policies. It's his hair!

"Have you seen it?

"You could fit a family of barn owls in that magnificent thatch.

"In fact, sometimes I look at my son and think, 'Ooh, Sherlock Holmes!'"

He wasn't the only one impressed with Boris.

Boris Johnson is a very charismatic guy,

he's a potential leader of the Conservative Party,

he's very attractive...

Attractive?! No, he's not, he looks like a llama.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I know why Boris won.

Because he's a lovable buffoon.

-Where's the leaflets, team?

-There.

-Oh, there. Sorry.

"Sorry!"

He also promised that if he won,

he'd reveal the nickname for his penis.

It's true. Here were some of the contenders.

Is it the sombrero, is it the horseshoe mushroom?

Is it a gigantic UFO?

Is it the world's biggest-ever example of a half-eaten macaroon?

They're all good.

But tonight I can officially announce the winner is...

OK, um...

Dr Johnson.

Dr Johnson.

He's the one-eyed physician and he's on a mission.

It's ridiculous. Dr Johnson?! He sounds like a pervy superhero.

"I am Dr Johnson. I have only one nemesis in this world."

Hello, my name is Lesbian.

"We'll see about that, lady!"

I tell you what, some shocking health stories knocking about.

Did you see this?

A mother with a passion for tanning

is facing a charge of child endangerment

after being accused of allowing her young daughter into a tanning booth.

Passion for tanning?

You're probably thinking, "I doubt she does it that much."

Well, feast your eyes on this mess.

If people get...

To each his own. To each his own. I like it, yeah.

She looks like a fucking Lion bar!

What is that?!

Listen to what she reckons her kid was actually doing at the tan shop.

I'm in the booth.

She's outside playing princess, trying to be like Mummy.

Trying to be like Mum? What, is she head-butting Marmite?

Check out this wonderful bit of bullshit.

When I talked with her today,

she told me she did NOT go to the tanning salon today,

and the dark colour you see on her face is make-up.

Make-up?! Only if she's using this.

LAUGHTER

So, what's next? Oh, my God, did you hear about this?

He had a boner for two years!

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Ain't nobody got time for that!

What I want to know, what was he doing to the motorbike

to get an erection?

"Dave...

"that is not how you check the oil."

Tell you what, I bet he doesn't do the school run.

"Who wants a lift with Daddy?" "I'll walk. I'll walk."

Let's hope he never has an accident. Imagine that, laid on the floor

with a massive rod on. You know the police would take the piss. "Pass me that doughnut.

"Hoopla!"

He's not the unluckiest bloke in the news.

Have a look at what happened to man from Poland.

He dumped his girlfriend, who happens to be a dentist,

for another woman

and then days later went to his ex's office to have some dental work done.

So what did she do?

Well, she gave her ex a large dose of anaesthetic

and yanked all 32 of his teeth.

AUDIENCE GROANS

What a bitch. She's like the most fucked-up tooth fairy ever.

It gets worse.

He's now single,

after his new girlfriend dumped him for being toothless.

That is a tough week!

"I've got no teeth. Do you still love me?"

"No, you look like a plunger."

Poor sod. If he hears this on the radio, he'll top himself.

# You better smile, smile, smile smile, smile, smile, smile

# Smile, smile, smile smile, smile, smile

# Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah

# You better smile. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now here is a WEIRD headline.

And I predict she lives alone...

and has many cats.

Let's check out her magical powers.

Behold the mystical, delicate way she makes that prediction.

Ugh!

I tried it earlier and it said what we're all thinking.

Ohhh....

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, talking of bollocks, big news in the art world.

The Turner Prize nominations have been announced.

In case you are not familiar, here's some previous winners.

Well, we've had unmade beds, pickled sharks and even elephant dung.

The Turner Prize wouldn't be the Turner Prize

without causing just a little bit of controversy.

They're not controversial, they're just a bit shit. Look at this.

Performance artist Spartacus Chetwynd has been nominated

for the Turner Prize, for this piece, Odd Man Out.

LAUGHTER

It's like beach volleyball for Goths.

I wonder what the asparagus thinks of it.

Next up, this cheery ray of sunshine.

Luke Fowler has also been nominated for his third film

exploring the life of Scottish psychiatrist RD Laing.

Darkness, desolation,

life pared down to the bone.

# If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. #

-AUDIENCE CLAP

-Don't clap!

In fairness, this next one is pretty good.

Paul Noble has been nominated

for a series of detailed pencil drawings of Nobson Newtown...

Those are amazing, aren't they? So, what's Nobson Newtown?

..a fictional metropolis populated by turds.

People who look like turds?

I wonder who could live there.

To each his own. To each his own. I like it, yeah.

The big news from France was, of course, this.

France has elected a new president tonight.

The socialist Francois Hollande has defeated Nicolas Sarkozy

by a clear majority.

Here's a tip. If you are going to report on the French elections,

find somewhere quiet.

I have to say we witnessed it back at the American elections...

Victoria Beckham!

Rihanna! Yes!

..where John McCain lost. The complete contrast

in the celebrations here...

Victoria Beckham, she's very beautiful.

I think we're going to have to leave Robert there.

"I love you so much, Victoria!"

So, what else has been going on?

Well, a year on from his death, Osama bin Laden is back in the news.

New insights into al-Qaeda strategy have been revealed in papers

which were seized from Osama bin Laden's hideout in Pakistan

after he was killed.

The US have released hundreds of secret files

found in bin Laden's lair. Most of them are about terror attacks.

But the one that really caught my eye was this.

How weird is that?

I love the idea that, when he got a bit fed up with terror,

he'd go to his own special little room,

shut all the doors...

# Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody

# I wanna feel the heat with somebody

# Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody

# With somebody who loves me. #

"How long have you been there?"

"Long enough, Osama! Long enough."

It wasn't just Whitney. He had other habits.

A US official tells ABC News

that a huge stash of pornography was discovered.

There is no way to tell if bin Laden looked at it,

but it was found right in his bedroom.

Busted!

Osama bin Laden, Osama bin Wanking.

I'll tell you what,

this brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Afghan hound".

I like that joke.

What I want to know, what films was he watching?

Well, luckily, I found a list of his favourites.

You will not find these in Blockbusters.

But apparently his favourite was the mesmerising...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's an absolute classic. I know one guy that watched it and he loved it.

Ooh, Sherlock Holmes.

Over to Australia and a stuck toddler.

Playful and curious like any three-year-old boy,

little Noah Geoffrey has a taste for adventure -

or perhaps misadventure,

getting himself trapped inside a vending machine yesterday afternoon.

He was stuck in a vending machine.

So, did he start crying, screaming for his mum? Oh, no.

Generous Noah, handing out toys and lollies to his friends.

Isn't he great? He's like a toddler Robin Hood.

"Fuck the dentist, have a Curly Wurly."

Even better, look at the reaction of his mates.

All the kids on the outside were encouraging him,

and laughing and telling him which toy they wanted.

That's like a cute version of the London riots.

"Give me a Buzz Lightyear, quickly, mate, the filth are coming.

"Come on!"

That kid must be a god at his nursery,

just sat in a sandpit surrounded by girls.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Toys R Us? Toys R fucking me!"

"Which one of you babes is going to give me a massage?

"I should warn you.

"I like my massages like I like my nursery rhymes -

"with a happy ending."

APPLAUSE

"I'm the scariest little kid you've ever seen!"

To be honest, I'm surprised he kept so calm in the machine.

You know how excited kids get around toys.

MUMMY! NO! NO!

Have a look at why this guy made the news.

A Wisconsin man has made quite the name for himself,

not because of what he was arrested for,

but because of, well, what he named himself.

This is brilliant. Check out his name.

We would like you to meet...

Sounds like something Louis Armstrong shouts when he comes!

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopitty Bop-Bop-Bop...

# What a wonderful world. #

(Sherlock Holmes!)

His name is brilliant and so are his hobbies.

According to Beezow's Facebook page,

he's a member of the Orthodox Church Of Jerry Garcia Fans

and he enjoys...

thinking.

And what he enjoys thinking is,

"What's the stupidest fucking name I can come up with?"

It isn't just me taking the piss. Even the weatherman had a pop.

Let's see how the guys in prison pronounce his name!

How harsh is that?!

"By the time they're done, his ass will look like a yawning hippo.

"You don't need asparagus to get what I'm driving at."

APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is. So, please welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING

-Hello, nice to meet you. How are you?

-I'm good.

-What's your name?

-Rachael.

-Nice to meet you, can I sit here?

-Yeah, if you want to. It's quite uncomfortable.

-It is a bit.

-Mine actually moves, though.

-How comes mine doesn't move?

-Cos mine's cooler.

-Well, how unfair is that?

It's like we're a brother and sister

and the family don't love me.

"Why doesn't mine move?" "Cos you're adopted."

So, can you give me a clue about why you're in the news?

Erm... Well, what I do involves ropes.

-Involves ropes?

-Yes.

Do you, er, do you whip kids?

-Until they give you toys?

-No!

-No.

-I actually get whipped, though, sometimes.

-You get whipped?

-Yes.

-Will I be whipping you later?

-No.

-You might actually, maybe, we'll see.

-Oh, right!

Back in the game! Right, OK,

so I may be whipping you later.

I'm not really fussed about the mystery guest, let's just do that.

Who are you? I don't know.

Give me another clue, I'm nowhere near this.

Equipment that I use can be used in the school playground as well.

OK, do you work out using kids' equipment?

-I guess you could say that.

-Are you a skipping champion?

-I'm the UK number one, yes.

-The UK number-one skipper, there you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But it's like... Why?

"Sausage in a pan, sausage in a pan,

"turn them over, turn 'em over." What's that got to do with skipping?

That is a massive fucking curve ball, how I am going to get that?

Everything about this suggests kids and there's two ropes here,

hanging down like spiders' dicks and yet...

Of course I didn't guess it. Anyway, nice to meet you.

Excellent, are we going to do some skipping? Let's do that.

Do you want to see us skip? That'd be lovely.

-OK, we're going to move the set off.

-Absolutely, which way is it going?

-Right, then.

-Here's your rope.

-Yep.

First of all, though, I'm going to show you what I do.

So you're going to have to stand way out the way.

-Absolutely.

-So you don't get whipped.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, nice, that's good. Uh. Uh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was fantastic, well done.

And now, to make a fool out of myself...

-I'm going to teach you tricks.

-Lovely, look forward to it.

-Do you want a quick go on your own first?

-No.

-Have you ever done skipping before?

-Yeah.

-Have you?

-Yeah. I know what I'm doing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so, first trick, you ready?

It's called speed step. You're going to hop from one foot to the other,

ensuring the rope goes round. So you're hopping like this.

Let's get out the way first.

So, hop...

Nearly. Yeah, that was it!

-You just speed up the rope...

-Speed up the rope, right.

There you go!

But at the moment you've kind of got an Irish fling going on.

-Try and bring your knees up, you'll be fine.

-OK.

We're going to do a side-straddle.

-All you're going to do is bring your feet apart, together.

-OK.

So it goes out, together, out, together.

-All right. Are you ready for the next one?

-It's really tiring, isn't it?

-The next one isn't jumping, you'll be fine.

-It's not skipping, then.

So...

What are we going to do?

Rope goes straight out in front of you.

OK, and all you're going to do...

is you're going to flick it and catch it.

I'm going to bring on two of my team members...

-Sweet!

-..and we're going to do a double-Dutch.

-This is Beci and Gemma.

-Hello, Beci and Gemma.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Your turn.

Are you ready?

You know in, like, action films,

where there's one who's really good who gets the gold

and saves the day, there's always one that dies.

"He lost his head!" So what have I got to do, run into this,

-take the rope to the face, essentially.

-Actually...

we're going to go from basics with you, so what we do with little kids.

You're going to stand in the middle.

You're going to hold my hands and jump at the same time as me.

-Don't look too scared, OK?

-My mum told me never to talk to strangers,

let alone get involved in some sort of rope fight.

-So we'll start jumping, ready?

-Yep.

-And jump. Jump. Jump.

That's it, keep going.

-Turn around.

-Stop it!

CHEERING

-And jump!

-Fuck!

CHEERING

That was horrendous.

Thank you so much. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Well, that was absolutely fucking terrifying!

Thank you so much, that was lovely. Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for my mystery guest.

That was great, well done.

Have you seen the latest food craze taking the US by storm?

It's called the cinnamon challenge.

The challenge works like this.

A person is supposed to swallow a tablespoon of ground cinnamon

in 60 seconds without drinking anything.

The results usually look like this.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Do it! Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't recommend that you do this at home.

But I do recommend that you all watch this.

So here's the cinnamon. All right? All right, here goes.

SHE SCREAMS AND COUGHS

Here's a wonderful story about a little boy called Joe and his heart.

I met a remarkable young boy the other day.

Joe Skerratt looks like any other three-year-old,

heading for his favourite ride in the local park.

But Joe was born with a rare disease

which meant his heart was abnormally large.

Now, after a heart transplant, he's improving every day.

This is the Berlin artificial heart that kept Joe alive

while he was on the waiting list for a transplant.

He had two of these, one pumping blood through his body,

the other through his lungs.

And they kept him going, beating once a second

for 251 long days.

'His parents Mark and Rachel know a donor family somewhere

'has saved Joe's life.'

You have no idea how you changed our lives.

And we can't comprehend your grief and what you've been through,

but it was an amazingly selfless decision,

and you've done amazing things for our little boy. Thank you.

Munching on a block of cheddar, Joe told me

he knows he's now got a new heart and it's just the right size.

Lovely, isn't it?

Thank you. Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Good night.

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