Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome to Good News. I tell you what,

it doesn't take much to distract Dan Lobb.

The Culture Secretary is now on borrowed time, and...

Oh, Morrissey tickets available for Manchester in July!

He's great. It can be absolutely anything...

Step outside and go... (TAKES DEEP BREATH) What do you think?

My script's the same colour as your top.

LAUGHTER

Here's a question...

what's Peter Levy doing under his desk?

350th birthday of...

Either my telly's broken, or there's been some big changes at Sky News.

This is Sky News, with Eamonn Holmes.

Good morning.

You look different, Eamonn!

Finally, Charlie Stayt revealed what he's like in the bedroom.

Filthier than a toilet seat.

The best bit, check out Louise's reaction.

What a thought!

So, what's been going on?

Everyone's favourite royal was back in the news.

Prince Philip left royal well-wishers aghast

after a comment about a woman's chest during the Queen's Jubilee tour.

Damn right. Did you hear what he said?

The Duke was on a royal walkabout when he came to council worker Hannah Jackson,

whose red dress had a zip running down the front.

He told the police officer standing next to him,

"I would get arrested if I unzipped that dress."

-PRINCE PHILIP VOICE:

-Hello! Can I unzip your dress?

Hey, copper, how many years if I do the motorboat?

That wasn't his only gaffe of the day.

He also met a lady in a wheelchair, wearing a foil blanket.

So, what did he say to her?

HE MOUTHS

You look like a baked potato! Look, Liz, she's in a wheelchair!

It's meals on wheels!

Can I unzip YOUR dress?

That wasn't the only royal news. Did you see this?

I think we all know who bought them.

350th birthday...

Elsewhere in Britain,

have you seen how the Government are trying to help parents?

'David Cameron told parents he wants to make life easier for them.'

From today, new parents will be able to sign up to a service

so that they get regular e-mails and texts about looking after their baby.

Yeah, that's exactly what you need -

text messages from David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids.

Imagine the useful advice a Tory millionaire will give you.

Thanks, Dave! It isn't just messages. Look what else they're offering.

Support via text and e-mail is offered

alongside vouchers for parenting classes.

Parenting classes! To be honest, some people need them.

This is not how you put your kid to sleep.

Daddy!

Can you imagine how patronising the classes would be? Morning, everyone!

This is a nice cake for a baby.

This is a bad cake.

Let's face it, you can teach parents all you want,

ultimately, kids make their own decisions.

Repeat after me.

Dad.

-Dad.

-Ga.

-Dad.

-Ga.

-Dad.

-Dad.

-Dad.

Dad.

-Who's your favourite?

-Mum.

The big sporting news was all about the Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

You run that Flame, baby!

The Flame had to be flown from Greece.

So, who looked after it on the plane?

It's Very Posh and Becks.

I love that photo! It looks like Beckham's going, "Who is this dick?!"

And Boris is going, "I like the sun and the sun likes me!"

I bet Boris was a nightmare on the plane.

AS BORIS: "Becks, let's use the Flame to light our farts!"

AS BECKHAM: "Not now, Boris, I'm trying to watch a film.

"I hope they find him.

"Poor little fish."

It's a Finding Nemo joke.

Now, I love how people welcome the Flame.

In Cornwall, they went big.

In Devon, they just got a local nutter.

Finally in this section, celebrities have been trying to stop obesity.

Chef Jamie Oliver and footballer Steven Gerrard

say the pride of hosting the Olympic Games has been tainted by the fact

that Britain is officially the fattest nation in Europe.

Damn straight. It's already affected our gymnasts.

Our swimmers aren't much better.

Still, on the bright side, at least we're not as bad as the Americans.

Have you seen what the Indonesian government are doing to stop people

riding on top of trains?

In most countries, fare-dodging will get you a fine.

In Indonesia, it gets you this.

If they go on the roof, they get a metal ball to the face.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

CHEERING

We think we've got it bad. "My train was delayed!"

They get happy-slapped by robot bollocks!

It gets even weirder. Look at the reason why they're doing it.

According to statistics,

riding on the roofs of trains killed 11 people in Indonesia last year.

They're trying to stop the risk of death by increasing the risk of death.

"How can we stop them dying?" "Let's kill them."

That said, maybe metal balls would be good over here.

TINNY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS FROM HEADPHONES

CHEERING

From scary trains to the freakiest wedding ever.

A unique wedding in Seattle this afternoon,

as people came together to witness the union of a woman and a building.

A woman married a building! She must love watching Grand Designs.

Oh, God!

Oh, my ass!

Oh, look at the brickwork! Oh!

Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.

I don't even know what that is!

She's obsessed. Did you see her wedding vows?

She even did a little song.

# I cleaned your rooms Washed your floors

# Built community and opened some doors... #

# I dusted your bedrooms Cleaned window panes

# I married a building I'm fucking insane. #

APPLAUSE

I'd love it if the building sang back...

# Leave me alone, bitch I need my space

# What's that red shit all over your face?! #

I'm not sure the marriage will last.

Her ex-boyfriend found out, and he was not happy.

Son of a bitch!

EXPLOSION

It's not the funniest relationship story of the week, though.

If you think your girlfriend is upset with you,

it's got nothing on this one.

A Tampa area man has some explaining to do after he says

he mistook his girlfriend for a wild hog and shot her.

In case you're struggling to comprehend that...

He thought his wife was a pig and he shot her in the arse!

I told my mum about this. What did she say?

"Should have gone to Specsavers!"

I've saved the weirdest for last. Have a look at this insane story.

If they get the weather wrong, they go to prison.

"What are you in for?" "Scattered showers."

"You will be scattered in the showers."

"Stop saying that."

If they're this harsh, imagine what they'd have done to this guy.

By and large, it is a lovely winter's day tomorrow.

Bucket loads of BLEEP... Er...

LAUGHTER

He's going to jail!

The big news in sport was definitely this.

Chelsea have been crowned European champions in Munich.

Chelsea won the Champions League for the first time ever.

So, how did the fans celebrate? Some sang.

# Championes, championes

# Ole, ole, ole! #

Others got a bit carried away.

-You don't want to see the rest of that clip!

-LAUGHTER

You think that's weird? This was definitely the strangest reaction.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We won! Yeah! Let's shag the dog!

Ah!

Why are we sh...? I don't know!

It gets weirder. Did you see what the fans were throwing

at the players during the victory parade?

You'll see on the ground

and in the air as well, lots of celery flying.

LAUGHTER

Celery?! Who celebrates by throwing vegetables? I can't believe we won!

Pass me that broccoli.

It's the best day of my life. Is that a radish? Go on!

So, why were they throwing celery?

It's all to do with this beautiful ballad that the Chelsea fans sing.

SINGING:

LAUGHTER

Well, that is not how to get your five a day!

Also, there's people watching the show who have never had sex.

Don't ever do that!

Wouldn't it be great if there's somebody watching at home going...

HE GASPS

"How did he know?"

After they got rid of the celery,

Frank Lampard paid tribute to the fans.

It was the most amazing night of our careers,

and we're so pleased to come back and celebrate with our fans.

Drogba? He did an impression of a car stuck in traffic.

-Beep, beep!

-ALL: Yay!

-Beep, beep!

-Yay!

-Beep, beep!

-Yay!

No idea!

My favourite player was definitely David Luiz.

Fair to say, when he did this interview on Italian TV,

he'd had a few drinks.

IN PORTUGUESE

He was still hammered the next day.

CHEERING

CHEERING

SINGS:

# I'm so wankered

# I don't know my own name! #

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

From Chelsea's victory to something really weird.

This must be the strangest sport ever.

Before you get excited, that is rabbits as in "Ah!"

Not as in "Br-r-r!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's a very different kind of event.

LAUGHTER

I'm winning! I'm winning!

LAUGHTER

This is genuinely a story about the Rabbit Grand National.

Do you want to meet the woman

that trains the fastest rabbits in England?

REPORTER: Maureen Boyle keeps international athletes

in her garden shed.

She's the UK's leading rabbit trainer.

Novice Roger the Belgian hare is having his first training session

in Maureen's indoor arena.

Wow! She's got an indoor arena.

AKA, the hall.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, I bet Roger's amazing.

It's looking good till the post arrives.

LAUGHTER

Forget about Roger, he's a fucking joker!

This next guy is the real deal.

Smudge is her prize champion.

Oh, look at that hopping action!

Wait for it. Wait for it. Go on!

It's thrilling.

Damn right, it's thrilling.

It's the most incredible thing I've ever seen!

Nobody is going to out-jump Smudge. He's a legend.

Let's have a look at the pitiful dickheads

who are going to take the mighty Smudge on.

Fuck it, he'll make a lovely pair of slippers.

Now here's a cracking story about a woman under siege.

REPORTER: It was the most bizarre request for help

these 911 dispatchers had ever heard.

So what was it? An alligator? A snake?

Oh, no. It was much more terrifying.

The home owner discovered a squirrel swimming in the toilet.

LAUGHTER

I love it they say that he was swimming,

like she opened the toilet seat and he's wearing armbands.

LAUGHTER

"Hey, baby.

"Don't pull that flush. Toilet hot tub!"

LAUGHTER

I love the overreaction of the police.

Officer Derek Kennedy was first to respond.

As soon as I saw the squirrel, I knew I'd need back-up.

LAUGHTER

I had to open fire, he had a goddamn hazelnut!

Luckily, the squirrel got away. In fact, he gave me an interview.

BRISTOLIAN ACCENT: What a bloody day!

I'm having a swim, I look up,

all of a sudden I got a face full of granny fanny!

LAUGHTER

I run away, suddenly some police arsehole tries to shoot me.

Did he hit me? Did he fuck!

LAUGHTER

Hmph! Dickheads!

LAUGHTER

Now, a story about watching a film way too loudly.

REPORTER: 'Bret Stieghorst was mistaken for a rapist

'after his neighbour heard some unusual noises

'coming from his apartment.'

Apparently way too loudly.

He was watching porn so loud,

his neighbour thought he was raping someone.

LAUGHTER

So, did the neighbour call the police? Knock the door?

Oh, no, he went loco!

He ran up the stairs with his sword,

kicked in the door and broke the door's lock.

He comes in with his three-foot-long sword and shouts, "Where is she?"

A three-foot-long sword!

He must have been terrified! One minute he's watching porn,

the next minute, he's confronted by the ninja wank fairy!

LAUGHTER

What I want to know, how loud must the porn have been?

Who listens to porn with the volume up?!

"I know, I fancy a tug. I'll hook this up to the speakers.

"Open the windows. Hello, I'm just going to have a wank!

"Just thought I'd let you know! Love you, Nan!"

LAUGHTER

The best bit about this story?

Check out the bloke's reaction to this knife-wielding lunatic.

Bret now thinks twice when he hears a knock at the door,

but will he think twice about watching adult films from now on?

No way!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No way, man!

It's like my grandad said, if it ain't got titties, that movie's shitty!

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

It's a mystery guest.

I have to figure out who they are. Please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

-Are you OK?

-Yes, thank you.

It was slapping down on you.

-I know, but I don't worry about those things.

-OK.

-My name's Russell, what's your name?

-Jocelyn.

Nice to meet you.

I imagine, Jocelyn, either you own a shoe shop

or you're an excellent but specific thief?

LAUGHTER

-Do you steal shoes?

-I don't remember stealing any shoes.

Anything to do with shoes?

I hope it does, or this is a bit weird.

LAUGHTER

A little bit to do with shoes.

Can you give me a clue? Everything rhymes with shoes!

But this doesn't!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

I have no idea.

Is it anything to do with these weird buttons?

-That gives you a good clue.

-Erm...

LAUGHTER

Am I being an idiot? I have no idea. It looks like a chess set.

-You'll never be an idiot, will you?

-AUDIENCE: Ah!

Ah, what a lovely thing to say!

But, historically, I have proven to be an idiot.

LAUGHTER

Does anyone have an idea?

Lady in the back, waving her hand.

-Roller disco?

-Is it a roller disco?

-Very close.

-Really?

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

It's close.

-You run roller discos?

-No.

-No!

That's not what I was in the news for.

Why were you in the news?

I was in the news as I'm Britain's oldest roller skating teacher.

There you go, that's worth a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

I told you I could be an idiot. I said that.

So, are we having a go at roller skating? Are you up for that?

We are going to have a go.

OK. Excellent, let's have a clip of you in action.

This is me skating with an injured heel.

-I would have liked to have done more, but there it is.

-Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

-Right!

-My goodness.

My goodness me.

I cannot skate. I'm going to break my legs. Stop laughing.

It's like...

Not if I can help it.

Yeah. It's just that my legs just want to dance.

LAUGHTER

-Just hold this barrier. This is what it's here for.

-OK.

We want to introduce you to the artistic kind of roller skating.

OK.

Do you think you'd like to try it?

If my legs...

LAUGHTER

I fancy it, my legs don't, but what the hell. Here we go.

Right. So...

You know when you watch a nature programme

and there's a penguin, you think he ain't going to live?

It's just like that! "Mum, wait for me!"

"He ain't making it through the winter."

Oh...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLES

Oh...

-Oh...

-Hold onto there.

Hey, I've got an idea. I have a way we can make this artistic.

This is the way to do it.

You are trying to woo me. OK?

LAUGHTER

I've...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got it, right, you'll try and woo me.

I'll play the role of poor village boy, tied to this rail,

he cannot leave the rail until his true love comes along

-and releases him from the rail.

-I'm here, darling.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, give me your hands. There's a good chap.

WHOOPING

That's it. Now, then. Feet out.

APPLAUSE

Out and in.

And out and in.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God.

Go on. Bend...straighten.

LAUGHTER

You try that.

W...

-My grandchildren might be watching, behave yourself.

-Sorry!

If your grandchildren are watching, what's happening?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's been fun.

-I just can't do it. I feel like I've let you down.

-You can be my toy boy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please, give it up for my Mystery Guest!

Elsewhere in Britain, it was the Sony Awards.

Basically, they're the Oscars of the radio world.

Did you see who won Best Entertainment Show?

86-year-old Beryl and 90-year-old Betty are Sony Awards winners.

And the winners - if I was 80 years younger - Beryl and Betty!

The biggest radio award was won by a couple of pensioner DJs.

Did you see them on the red carpet? They were brilliant.

-How does it feel to be here?

-It feels absolutely fantastic.

-What are you most looking forward to tonight?

-Chicken dinner!

Chicken dinner!

This woman is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with chicken.

A chicken dinner! That shocked them, didn't it? A chicken dinner.

-Best of luck to you.

-Thank you. Am I getting a chicken dinner?

LAUGHTER

I love her so much.

"Are you excited about seeing celebrities?" "No, Nando's."

Imagine her at the Oscars? "You're sat next to Tom Cruise!"

"That's lovely, has he got a Zinger meal?"

LAUGHTER

She may love chicken but she's got no time for this bloke.

What's the secret of making a good radio show?

Just get on with your life, love.

Fuck off, pal.

Unbelievably, some people are criticising them for winning -

apparently they're too old to be stars in the music world.

Bollocks, you're never too old to enjoy music, right, love?

Yeah!

Now, this is an amazing story about two brothers

and the unbreakable bond between them. Enjoy.

Jenny and Jeff Lawn found out in 2005

that two-year-old Connor would have a younger brother.

Shortly after Caden was born, they realised that something was wrong.

At four months old, they received the diagnosis.

Cerebral palsy.

Connor wished that Caden could come out and play with him more.

I think that had been on his mind more than what we know as a parent.

Eight-year-old Connor and six-year-old Caden compete as a team.

An idea born from one brother's desire to connect with the other.

They wanted to be a part of the biggest race they could find.

The Iron Kids' Triathlon.

With so many children, organisers told the family they were uncertain

if there was room for Caden's raft and trailer on the course.

When they told us that, I told Connor,

Caden might not be able to do the race with you.

Would you consider doing it by yourself?

He said no, he would stay at home before he left his brother out.

Organisers eventually cleared the boys to race.

When you start a race, what are you thinking about?

From the pool to the pavement,

the team of Connor and Caden Lawn finished last,

but as brothers, they finished.

Pretty cool, eh - pretty cool indeed.

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.

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