Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

And welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

I tell you what, Bill Turnbull knows how to make a woman feel good.

-I'm so old.

-I know.

It gets worse. I think he's going to kill her.

-I'm getting the gloves on.

-I'm a bit alarmed.

-Yeah!

Nick Owen wins my award for Most Animated Eyebrows of the Week.

The hip-hop crews have been perfecting their routines

ahead of the breaking convention...

Over on BBC Breakfast, Giles Coren described his oral sex technique.

GOBBLING

Here's a tip, if you're going to pose as a superhero,

make sure there's not a kid behind you.

Katie Fawcett is at a school in Hull.

Morning, Gethin! Where's your costume?

So, what's been happening? Well, Jesus Christ, it's been hot.

-Scorching temperatures.

-Slap on that sunscreen.

-Wall-to-wall sunshine.

-82F.

-A scorcher.

It's barbecue weather and it's very dangerous.

I love it when it's hot. Do you know what I love most?

The reaction of British men.

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-"I don't need sun cream.

"Bring it on!"

Four hours later - "Sandra, can you help me?!

"A-ah!

"I look like a pork scratching.

"I think one of the lads has put something on me back."

So, how did the BBC convey the heat?

Did they show kids swimming? Sunbathers in the park?

No, they showed this.

But for most, the sunshine has been welcome.

A lion licking a lolly?!

I've watched many wildlife documentaries.

I have never once seen a lion with a Calippo.

"What's wrong with you?" "Ice-cream headache."

Mind you, if they get a taste for lollies,

it'll change nature shows.

IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see the mighty lion, basking in the Serengeti sun.

ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES

My favourite thing to do in the sun? Get down the beach.

Sometimes you see stuff that makes you go, "Damn."

Sometimes you see stuff that makes you go, "No!"

And sometimes you see things that make you go, "What?!"

What else? Well, it was the Eurovision this week.

Britain's entrant was Engelbert Humperdinck.

This guy had high hopes.

He's my neighbour, he lives just up the lane from me.

I taught him all he knows. And he was fantastic! Come on, Enge!

Come on! You're going to win!

You're going to win, man! Come o-n-n-n-n-n!

How did he get on?

Veteran crooner Engelbert Humperdinck came second from last.

Eh-eh!

It's such a weird name, innit? Engelbert Humperdinck.

It sounds like something Harry Potter shouts when he comes.

"Sorry, Hermione, I've humperdincked all over your broom."

As ever with the Eurovision, there were some quality nutters.

Lithuania's song was called Love Is Blind.

So, what did the singer put on his face so we could understand his complex lyrics?

# Love is blind... #

If he does that for Love Is Blind, it's a good job he wasn't singing Sex On Fire.

"Argh! I've burnt my Humperdinck!"

It gets weirder. Macedonia appeared to be obsessed with this lady.

Kay Burley.

You think I'm joking. Listen to this.

SOUNDS LIKE: # No, no, Kay Burley I love Kay Burley. #

# No, no, Kay Burley I love Kay Burley-eeh. #.

# Chillax, Kay Burley I like Bill Turnbull! #

-I am so old!

-I know.

Jedward caused a stir by jumping in a fountain.

-# This is bound to go down as the big one. #

-Jedward.

That water was powerful stuff. Look what it did to them.

-Whatever we do.

-We always...

My favourite contestants were definitely these ladies.

One of the most popular acts of the evening

were the group nicknamed "The Russian Grannies".

They had a combined age of 484.

Between you and me, I think someone spiked their Horlicks.

# Everybody dance

# Come on and dance

# Come on and dance

# Come on and party for everybody, dance

# Come on and dance... #

THAT came second!

CHEERING

It's amazing.

They're not even singing, they're just making biscuits in a rave!

Mind you, the old lady in the middle is brilliant.

She doesn't want to go on tour. Check out the reason why.

TRANSLATION: If I'm away, who's going to milk the cow?

In sporting news, it's getting closer.

It's only 60 days to go until the Olympics.

One of the big talking points is, of course, the opening ceremony.

In Beijing, they had this...

Wow!

So what are we going to have?

London's will involve schoolchildren, NHS nurses, some fake rain,

a nod to British pop culture and a giant bell.

Yay.

Nurses, rain and a giant bell?!

That's not an opening ceremony,

that sounds like one of my brother's pornos.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Here is what the opening ceremony should be,

we simply pump this man full of acid and watch him!

Look at him!

That's an opening ceremony we'd all watch, right, Lamb?

Yeah.

Amazing scenes in the Olympic Stadium,

Boris Johnson is off his tits.

He's just eaten the Olympic Bell.

What is that he's saying?

Engelbert Humper... Oh, no!

It has gone everywhere, Boris!

Whatever the opening ceremony is, I can't wait.

I've got tickets for the gymnastics.

I'm not interested in pirouettes, I'm going for moments like this...

Let's be honest, there is something truly magical about a cock-up.

Hold your marks.

But, if there are any athletes watching, remember,

if you do make a mistake, it's all about the recovery.

Elsewhere, sad news about a TV legend.

# To explain the story! It's Kay Burley.

The inventor of the zapper, the doofer, the turner-overer,

or the television remote control, has died at the age of 96.

Apparently, they're going to bury him down the back of the sofa!

I heard that the doctors tried to resuscitate him

by taking his batteries out, blowing on them and putting them back in.

I should not take the piss, the guy is a legend.

Thanks to him, I can switch off shit like this...

Shut up!

Fuck off!

What is strange about the TV remote,

everyone has a different name for it,

my mum has the weirdest, you know what she calls it? "The Dong."

We are used to it, so it doesn't bother us,

but when we have a guest, it is hilarious.

You should have seen the look of fear in my mate's eyes

when she said, "Here, Steve, give me the Dong."

Mind you, should have seen the look of fear on her face when he did!

Next up, meet the world's oldest gamer. She's incredible.

I am Kit Connell

and I am just 100 years old.

I don't feel a day over 80.

I try to keep my brain active by playing on my Nintendo.

She's great, isn't she? Well done, give her a round of applause.

Amazing. It gets lovelier. They covered the story in The Sun.

Check out the first post on their message board.

How lovely is that? Wouldn't it be great if she said,

"No thanks, love, I'm a Pro Evo girl."

"FIFA is for dicks."

She's great. The only person who can play Call Of Duty and go,

"Oh! I remember that.

"See that building? That's where I met your grandad.

"He had a lovely Humperdinck."

It makes you think, though. If pensioners play computer games,

we should design one just for them.

MUSIC: "Bodies" by Drowning Pool

Take that!

LAUGHS MANICALLY

Eat shit and die!

Gran Theft Auto!

From one bad-ass to another. Check out this headline.

"You picked the wrong Nissan Micra, shithead.

"I'm so tough, Werthers chew me."

You see so many stories about grannies fighting crime,

makes you think, maybe the police should employ them.

I ain't saying nothing.

Oh, really? Bring out the Enforcer.

I understand you won't confess.

Jog on, grandma!

Who are you calling grandma?

You fucking...

-Confess!

-I did it! I did it!

Nice work, Enforcer.

Fuck you!

What else? Well, huge news for ladies!

It's been the topic of both heartfelt and heated conversations,

the so-called G-spot.

Dr Adam Ostrzenski, a Florida gynaecologist, claims it is real,

and that he has found it.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Woo!

Sounds like someone else has found it too!

The female G-spot, which promises orgasm upon orgasm,

has been discovered by a doctor in Florida.

Basically, it's the orgasm equivalent of Pringles -

Once you pop, you cannot stop.

But before you get excited, ladies,

look where he found it.

What the fuck is wrong with that doctor?!

She's dead, she's not a wrinkly sex doll!

I mean who, looks for the G-spot on an 83-year-old woman?

I'm getting the gloves on!

That woman's funeral will be fantastic!

I can't believe she's gone.

Nan?!

Over to Japan and a bloke with a very strange hobby.

In the suburbs of Tokyo,

those who don't believe man evolved from apes

might find the proof they need.

This man is so obsessed with monkeys,

he has mastered their running style.

He pretends to be a monkey.

Let's hope he doesn't drink like them.

If any of you are thinking about learning to run like an ape,

here's a tip, don't practise in the woods.

I went in the mountains for a month

on a kind of four-legged training camp

but on the first day, a hunter mistook me for a wild boar

and he tried to shoot me.

It's probably his dad.

"Why can't you get a proper job?!

"Your sister's a lawyer, you're pretending to be a gibbon!"

It isn't just monkeys. Look what else this lunatic does.

When he's not monkeying around,

he practises the running style of other four-legged creatures.

In fairness, we've all pretended to be a dog.

No-o-o!

No-o-o!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I don't know about you

but I'd say that's the best sketch I've ever done. Right, lamb?

Yeaaaah!

Some great crime stories in the news.

Have you seen the way they're trying to protect shops in Nottingham?

A number of stores have seen break-ins

but intruders now have something new to fear.

So, what are they using? Lasers? Armed guards?

Oh, no.

If someone were to break into this property here,

then the fog would come out of it

and it would fill the room with fog.

A fucking fog machine!

Behold its mighty power!

This is what intruders would face.

No!

It's so misty!

Quick, before they release the drizzle!

I tell you what, this is going to change police line-ups.

-Just take your time.

-OK.

It was him! The one in the middle.

From fog to filth.

A policeman in America has been touching himself on the job.

He was supposed to be supervising other officers in the field

but our 4 On Your Side team has obtained some video

that shows the Santa Fe police sergeant sitting in his vehicle

having a very graphic sexual conversation with himself.

Well, that is the poshest description of a wank ever.

"What are you doing?"

"Mother, please, I'm having a sexual conversation with myself.

"Watch out, I'm about to punctuate.

"Oh! Semi-colon."

It's just great, this story. This pervy policeman left his radio on

so all of the other coppers back at the station heard this...

First you hear moans, then the unmistakable sound of a zipper.

Busted!

I bet they destroyed him.

"All right, Dave? Heard you got your truncheon out." "Fuck off!"

It gets worse. Apparently, he was watching porn on his phone

and judging by this recording, he was clearly enjoying it.

Here is a sample of what he is saying.

I tell you what, the woman he was watching was livid.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

CHEERING

She was livid!

Now, from one insane crime story to another.

If you think you get a bit angry when you're driving,

you have got nothing on this.

It can be a real struggle to find parking in San Francisco

but police tonight say one driver bit another over a particular spot.

She bit a woman

over a parking space.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

LAUGHTER

It gets better...

This has to be the greatest reaction ever to being bitten.

I don't know, why she would bite me?

I wouldn't understand why anyone would bite anyone,

unless you were hungry.

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my special Mystery Guest. It's a treat.

The production team have found me someone special to interview,

and I have to find out who it is. So please welcome my Mystery Guest!

MEXICAN MUSIC

LAUGHTER

Are you that really cool cartoon mouse?

-No clues.

-Oh, wow! How deep is your voice from nowhere?

And I'm not Mexican.

LAUGHTER

But I have been to Mexico.

Well, clearly.

Um, OK. So, you've been to Mexico

and it has Mexico '86.

As a football fan, it suggests you're a footballer.

Are you a footballer?

I like to play safe, that's the clue.

You like to play safe? Oh, my God! I know who you are.

You're Peter Shilton.

That's right.

Pleased to meet you, how are you?

APPLAUSE

I'll just get this thing off.

-Am I right in saying you are the most capped England player?

-Yes, the most capped England player.

-How many was it?

-125 caps.

CHEERING

Played in three World Cups

-and I think we have a VT to show.

-Let's have a look at you in action.

MUSIC: "Jump Around" by House of Pain

Thank you very much for coming on.

A pleasure. Nice to be here.

Is it true that when you were young, this is because I'm a football nerd,

-is it true you used to hang from the banisters to stretch your arms?

-Unfortunately, it was true.

-Is that because you weren't tall enough to be...

-That's right.

As a youngster, very young, sort of the age of 10,

-I wanted to be a goalkeeper. I wasn't growing.

-Yeah.

So I tried to do as much as I could. One day,

I hung from the banisters at home. My mother pulled on my ankles.

Unbelievable, cos what I assumed, I have an image of you hanging

and your mum coming home and going, "Peter, what are you doing?"

But I love the fact that your mum went, "Good idea,"

-and started...

-She always did what I told her.

Good job you weren't a porn star. Imagine if your mum caught you then.

"Pull, pull."

So, please, please, tell me we're going to do some penalties.

We are doing some penalties

but it's going to be a bit different as I've injured my shoulder.

So, I can't dive round at the moment.

-I've injured my shoulder.

-You'll go in goal.

I've heard you're a very good goalkeeper, because, obviously, we've got the name and the number one.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Let's do this.

CHEERING

First thing about goalkeeping is you've got to get your weight right.

So, bend the knees, get the shoulders forward, get the hands together.

That's it. Get the knees like that. That's it! Good. Head forward.

That's it, yeah.

LAUGHTER

If you've got a penalty to take, walk out to them like this,

and you can look 'em in the eyes and say,

-"What lovely eyes you've got."

-OK.

PETER LAUGHS

Can it be any sexual turn-on, or does it have to be the eyes?

-It's entirely up to you, yeah.

-Sweet.

Nice dick, mate! Let's do this!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh-h!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-You haven't said how good my eyes look.

-Your eyes are beautiful.

-Thank you.

-Your thighs are great!

-Oh!

-Yay! CHEERING

Quality. Thanks, man.

Right...

-You're not allowed to go in goal, are you?

-I can't cos of my shoulder, no.

Can I bring on my friends to play?

God, that made me sound like I was seven!

But please, let me bring my friends out. They'll love this!

Stevie, Karl, come out, my friends! My friends!

-CHEERING

-My glorious friends!

Stevie, get in goal.

-Try and get in the middle if you can.

-Spot on!

LAUGHTER

It always helps!

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

CHEERING

CHEERING

Now, let's play the game. Pete,

we'll play the game we've been playing in the courtyard.

Come on, fellas. Karl, you're in.

Now, the aim - you've got to hit someone's arse.

APPLAUSE

-Oh-h-h!

-CHEERING

Cracker.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my mystery guest, Peter Shilton!

CHEERING

And my friend Steve Williams...

and Karl Minns!

Have you seen the latest subject kids are being taught in school?

Hands flat like this.

Onto the person's back.

'These Year Fours are learning a new subject.

'It's their first-ever massage class.'

LAUGHTER

Eight-year-old kids are learning to MASSAGE!

How weird is that? Apparently it calms them down.

The last thing kids need is help falling asleep.

Also, what self-respecting eight-year-old boy

is going to touch a girl?

"You want me to what? On a girl?!

"That is s-o-o gay!"

I'm off to the boys' toilets to see who can wee the highest!

It wouldn't have calmed me down.

If I touched a girl when I was eight, it would've freaked me out.

"MUM! I touched Sarah, now my winkie's turned to stone!

-SHOUTS:

-Look at it!

Then again, maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe massage is a great idea.

I mean, some kids REALLY need to chill out.

That isn't the oddest education story.

Apparently, the key to revision is SLEEPING. According to research...

If that's true, this lot haven't slept for weeks.

These are all GENUINE exam answers.

LAUGHTER

This is my favourite. This is incredible.

Wonderful.

Here's the touching story

about Dan Blake and the reason he's carrying the Olympic torch.

Dan and four-year-old Joshua

'are paying close attention to the progress of the Olympic torch.'

And that's what Daddy's going to wear. That outfit.

-What that man's wearing.

-Wow!

THEY LAUGH

Dan is one of the 8,000 people who will carry the Olympic flame

because of his response to the cruellest thing which can happen

to a young family.

Hi, Daddy. Say, "Hi, Daddy."

Nicki Blake was just 33 when she died.

A misdiagnosed stomach pain after giving birth to Joshua

was actually pancreatic cancer.

By the time it was diagnosed, it was too late.

Dan has set up a charity called Nicki's Smile to help fund research.

Breast cancer, lung cancer, prostate, testicular -

they've all had phenomenal improvements in survival rates

over the last 10, 20 years.

And that can be put down to one thing - investment in research.

In its first year, they've already raised a quarter of a million pounds,

which is why Dan has been nominated to carry the Olympic torch.

'What do you think Nicki would make of it all?'

'I mean, I think she'd be very proud.

'The sole reason I'm carrying it is for her.'

It being a flame, being a light, you know, an eternal light for her.

I think she'd be very proud.

Pretty awesome, eh?

CHEERING

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd