Episode 9 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you very much.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

With the Olympics around the corner, the show is all about sport.

Here it is, I hope you enjoy it.

First up, never interview someone on a trampoline.

Emma...

Emma?

Emma.

Here's a tip -

don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.

It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time

for Rangers to get back to where they were.

Mark Longhurst revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.

In the back of the net!

And finally, don't forget the main rule of telly -

never broadcast live from a pub.

It's a very different atmosphere here in this pub now

than it was when we got here

at eight o'clock this morning.

It's a different crowd that are here now.

It's filled up with football fans.

When we got here this morning, it was full of Andy Murray fans.

Now, you're probably thinking, I imagine he stops there.

You'd be wrong!

He made it to the final this time last year,

the same Australian Open final, when we were all here then,

and we all had our fingers crossed for a different outcome this time.

We've been told not to lose heart

as some of the greatest tennis players of our time,

among them Andre Agassi, didn't win his first Grand Slam...

it happened for him later in the day.

# It's all right if you wanna come back to me... #

Big news of the week,

the new England manager was going to be Harry Redknapp.

But instead, we've got this guy.

Roy Hodgson has officially been named as the new England manager.

The big question, though, is what happened with Harry Redknapp,

the choice of many fans, and footballers?

When I saw it on the news last night, I screamed at the television.

It's so gutting.

Everyone wanted Harry, and instead we've got Roy.

Fair to say the fans have not taken the news well.

This is awful.

That is just madness.

Roy Hodgson? Are they on crack?!

Roy Hodgson looks set to be the next England manager.

HE WAILS

It was even worse on Twitter.

My favourite anti-Hodgson tweet was this...

In fairness, he's got a point!

This was definitely the big sport story of the week.

Manchester City are the new champions,

stealing the title at the 11th hour

from under the noses of their United rivals.

Aguero! He's won it! Get in there!

It was the most exciting end to a season ever, right, lamb?

Yeah.

Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday?

If only they'd get a little bit more excited.

Queens Park Rangers are level.

Traore's put the ball in the box, far post, it's a goal!

He's scored!

Oh, no!

It's been said they've played the best football... Ahhhhhh!

Goal! It's two-all.

THEY ALL SHOUT INCREDULOUSLY

-Incredible!

-It's 3-2!

It's in!

They're all cuddling each other!

They've got love bites and everything!

Next up, there's been a study

analysing the intelligence of footballers.

If you thought footballers were a bit dippy, think again.

A new study by researchers in Sweden

has found they're often more intelligent than the rest of us.

Apparently, footballers are more intelligent than us.

I'm not so sure. Some of them can get a big tongue-tied.

With Joey Barton,

you know that... you know what to expect.

He's going to come strong in the tackle

and going to come in your face,

and you have to be ready before the match.

LAUGHTER

I'm not sure he'd go that far!

One thing I will say - there is one person in football who is a genius.

I'm not talking Wayne Rooney or Steven Gerrard.

I'm talking this man - Bristolian legend, Ian Holloway.

I could listen to him talk for hours.

Most football managers are like,

"At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, blah, blah, blah."

Not Holloway.

Look what he said when Blackpool got promoted to the Premier League.

My all-time Holloway quote, though, has to be this belter.

Here he is describing Cristiano Ronaldo.

There's more. There is more!

Boom!

The big news in sport was definitely this.

Chelsea have been crowned European champions in Munich.

Chelsea won the Champions League for the first time ever.

So, how did the fans celebrate? Some sang.

Ole, ole!

Ole, ole, ole.

Others got a bit carried away.

You don't want to see the rest of that clip.

You think that's weird? This was definitely the strangest reaction.

THEY CHEER

HE MOUTHS

"We won! Yeah! Let's shag the dog!" "What?!

"Why are we shagging?" "I don't know!"

It gets weirder.

Did you see what the fans were throwing at the players

during the victory parade?

You'll see on the ground, and a lot of it in the air, as well.

Lots of celery flying.

Celery? Who celebrates by throwing vegetables?!

"I can't believe we won. Pass me that broccoli.

"It's the best day of my life.

"Is that a radish? Go on, Drogba, there you go.

So, why were they throwing celery?

Well, it's all to do with this beautiful ballad

the Chelsea fans sing.

Well, that is not how to get your five a day.

Also, there's people watching this show that have never had sex.

Don't ever do that!

Wonder if there's someone watching at home going...

HE GASPS

How did he know?

After they got rid of the celery,

Frank Lampard paid tribute to the fans.

It was the most amazing night of all of our careers,

and we're so pleased to come here and celebrate with our fans.

Drogba... He did an impression of a car stuck in traffic.

-Beep-beep!

-Hooray!

-Beep-beep!

-Hooray!

-Beep-beep!

-Hooray!

No idea!

My favourite player was definitely David Luiz.

Fair to say when he did this interview on Italian TV,

he'd had a few drinks.

IN ENGLISH:

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

He was still hammered the next day.

# I'm so wankered

# I don't know my own name. #

-# Yeah, yeah

-Get down with the trumpets

-# Yeah, yeah

-Get down with the trumpets... #

So, back in Britain, the countdown to the Olympics has finally begun,

with the unveiling of the Olympic clock.

WOMAN COUNTS DOWN

If it wasn't real before, it is now.

While we've been on air, the London Olympics

unveiled their countdown clock for 2012.

Pretty exciting! 2012, here we come.

Remember last night we showed you

the start of the London Olympic countdown clock?

Well, today it stopped!

It's so classically British - it broke after one day!

I bet there were people there going, "It's broke!"

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?

"Take the batteries out and rub it on your jumper.

"I got it, right.

"Try drinking some water... Ah, that's hiccups."

We are so hopeless, aren't we?

To be honest, it's little wonder the clock stopped

when you consider this man's in charge!

Mind you, Boris has got other things on his mind,

like this newsreader's ass.

..Alice Bhandhukravi, who's there for us with some guests.

LAUGHTER

He's been on spectacular form.

Listen to what he reckons builders rubbed on the Olympic velodrome.

Rhubarb. It is rubbed with rhubarb. It is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb.

The whole of the exterior of this building is rubbed with rhubarb.

And therefore, this fantastic velodrome creates jobs and employment

for English rhubarb growers.

We rubbed the roof with rhubarb!

That's not all, Britain!

The bikes are made from aubergines, and I am 80% broccoli!

Look at the sports he wants to introduce.

The pankration,

whose chief exponent was Milo of Croton,

whose signature performance

involved carrying an ox the length of the stadium,

killing it with his bare hands and then eating it all on the same day.

Bad news for babies.

Babies will be banned from this year's London Olympics

unless they have their own ticket.

That's right! Babies have been banned from the Olympics!

A lot of people are outraged, but come on!

Babies don't belong there.

Imagine the noise inside the stadium,

They do not react well to unusual sounds.

BABY GRIZZLES

MAN: Brr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!

Just leave them at home!

Put them in the bouncer and slam on some Johnny Cash!

MUSIC PLAYS

In fact, that's how me and my brother

are going to watch the Olympics.

MUSIC PLAYS

Some bizarre kid stories knocking around.

First of all, have you seen this?

A one-and-a-half-year-old baby signs a contract with a soccer club

after becoming a YouTube sensation.

He talent caught the attention of a Dutch football club VVV-Venlo,

who made him an attractive deal

and signed the tot to a ten-year contract.

A one-year-old professional footballer!

It's great. Take a look at his contract.

He's got exactly the same handwriting as Rooney!

Done!

You're probably thinking, I doubt he's that good.

He is! Check this out.

MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS

Wow! How cool is that?

That is...without doubt,

the coolest way to tidy up ever.

"Get rid of the toys." "Done 'em, Mum, over there."

He's incredible! He can do that.

When I was his age, I just looked like a worm.

"Kick the ball, Russell."

"I can't!

"I can't even make my eyes point in the same direction!"

This has to be the weirdest animal story in the news.

Have you seen this sport?

It's a sport with no refs and no real rules,

just a pair of pants, a high pain tolerance and a ferret.

Three, two, one.

Drop that weasel!

It's called ferret legging.

I call it fucking madness!

"Anyone fancy a game of footy?"

"No, I'm going to put a weasel on my dick."

Imagine them coming home.

"How did you get on at the ferret legging?"

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"Really well! I won!

"Although in many ways, I lost!"

In case there's someone out there

who wants to take part in this lunacy, check out the rules.

..Oh, yeah, and no underwear allowed.

No underwear?!

Ain't nobody got time for that!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.

He's a half-length in front.

Neptune Collonges...

One of the closest races in the Grand National history.

Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.

It was an incredible finish, but it wasn't a patch on this.

Born To Sea...

Oh, he put in a bad stride, he lost balance.

LAUGHTER

That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.

Although he did win by a length.

Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?

Probably the best horse we've run in the race.

Class form in placing Gold Cup, stays genuine.

What a letdown!

That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race. This is.

Congratulations.

-Thanks very much.

-It's fantastic!

Jesus, it's unreal, I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything!

LAUGHTER

Yes, you will.

You lovely, horny little leprechaun.

Have you seen the moment the jockeys arrived?

The jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps

through the crowd and into the paddock.

I can't believe nobody was tempted to play this music when they came out.

# Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee I've got perfect puzzle for you... #

It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses.

MUSIC: "Billy Jean" by Michael Jackson

Here's a sport you don't see in the newspaper every day...

It's the Rabbit Grand National!

Before you get excited, that's rabbits as in, "Ah..."

-Not rabbits as in...

-HE MAKES VIBRATING NOISE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's a very different kind of event.

"I'm winning, I'm winning!"

This is genuinely a story about the Rabbit Grand National.

Do you want to meet the woman

that trains the fastest rabbits in England?

'Maureen keeps international athletes in her garden shed.

'She's the UK's leading rabbit jumping trainer.

'Novice Roger the Belgian hare is having his first training session

'in Maureen's indoor arena...'

Wow!

She's got an indoor arena!

'..AKA, the hall.'

Mind you, I bet Roger's amazing.

'It's looking good, till the post arrives.'

Forget about Roger, he's a fucking joker!

This next guy is the real deal.

'Smudge is her prize champion.

'Look at that hopping action!

'Wait for it...wait for it, go on...

'It's thrilling.'

Damn right, it's thrilling -

it's the most incredible thing I've ever seen(!)

Nobody will out-jump Smudge, he's a legend!

Let's, let's, let's...

let's look at the pitiful dickheads taking the mighty Smudge on.

Fuck it, he'll make a lovely pair of slippers.

Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.

We've asked the audience

to bring interesting questions for me to try and answer.

Let's meet our first speaker on The People's Podium.

Big round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's your question?

Olympic Torch bearer, I've been chosen to be one.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-Sweet.

In the newspaper a couple of days ago,

I saw an article saying that those missiles they've put down on the council flats,

they're heat sensors, so there was a picture on there,

with an Olympic Torch bearer and a missile following him.

I need a word of confidence to help me out.

You're in real trouble!

So, they're heat-seeking missiles,

and you have to run past them...

with a fire.

LAUGHTER

-I've been trying to work on my speed!

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

-What we should do...

We should get someone like, I don't know, Jeremy Kyle,

to run in front of you with the flame, just to take the hit - wouldn't that be nice?!

When you feel it coming, duck, take it, and run!

But in fairness, the explosion would kill you too.

Hello! Bounding onto the stage, fantastic.

-What's your name?

-Mike.

-Mike. What's your question?

-I don't know if you saw,

but last week the horse badminton trials was cancelled.

I didn't!

# All around me are familiar... #

I didn't even know horses could play badminton!

So, the horse badminton was cancelled.

If you could watch any animal play any sport, what would it be?

It would absolutely be a sport I've invented this week,

called Throw The Dog At People You Hate.

-What's your name?

-TJ.

-Good name! What's your question?

How would you get the England team motivated?

How would I get the England team motivated? Simply put their wives in cages.

And...

threaten to release John Terry within the cage...

..unless they play well.

CHEERING

How about you?

I was thinking, Jubilee, get the Queen in a tracksuit, get her in training.

Get the Queen in a tracksuit?!

That's your plan to get the England team playing well?

-And do what with her?

-Have a kick-about, a warm-up.

You haven't thought this through, have you?

How would we get the Queen of this country in a tracksuit?

-She must have some in her wardrobe.

-Really?

-AS THE QUEEN:

-"The Kappa today, I believe.

"Philip, look at me, I'm going slag."

-LAUGHTER

-I doubt that's going to happen!

-Hey, mate.

-Hey.

-What's your name?

-My name is Reggie.

-Reggie.

-Yeah.

-Sweet. What's your question?

Sepp Blatter wants to get rid of penalties completely,

so what would be a better way of deciding matches

without penalties at all?

-Best way?

-Yeah.

It absolutely has to be a thumb war!

A thumb war?

-You can't beat me in a thumb war, never.

-Oh, step to me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Do you want to have a thumb war?

-OK.

You're definitely going to beat me. Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!

Oh, yeah, oh, oh!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS AND CHEERS

-What's your name, my friend?

-Phil.

-What's your question?

Do you think darts should be an Olympic sport?

Absolutely. In fact, darts players should be forced to wear Lycra!

Wouldn't that be better?

Press the red button to see them get in and out of the Lycra.

-Would you like to see it as an Olympic sport?

-Yeah. Why not?

The only problem is, when they win a medal,

could they get up those steps?

Wouldn't that be wonderful to see somebody get a gold medal on a Stannah chairlift?!

Sit down, my friend. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you have anything you want to ask me on the show, get in touch.

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

It could be a mystery guest who's been in the news,

and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I'm Russell, nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Connie Adam.

-Sweet. I have to guess... So, there's a sword here.

-Are you a fencer?

-Yes.

-Good.

-Kabaddi.

-Yes!

-Do you play Kabaddi?

-I do!

-No clues.

-Wow! How deep is YOUR voice, from nowhere?!

And I'm not Mexican.

But I have been to Mexico.

Clearly!

I kind of like fencing teenagers, especially university students.

Why is that?

Because they think, there's an old dear without a move,

and you stand there and hit them!

Can you give me any other clues?

-I'll just have to reveal myself.

-Right!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-I know who you are! You're Peter Shilton!

-That's right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, mate. Nice to meet you.

Let's get it off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't like that dress anyway.

Well, I think we can all figure out what will happen.

I'm getting beaten up again.

Can you show me what you do?

Quality, let's show you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Nice!

Ooh!

You sexy little bastard!

Oh, oh! Oh, if I was a woman, I'd bang you right now.

This is literally my friend Karl's absolute fantasy.

Can he come on and just face you?

Quickly, Karl, you'll love this. This is your dream.

Quickly, just before we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just run at him, he'll love it.

LAUGHTER

-AUDIENCE:

-Go on, Karl!

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's going to try to kick it so hard that Karl's hair grows back.

Clapping the hands! To show we've got no weapons!

The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.

Take a step forward and hit me.

I don't want to, it feels wrong!

You've never had a pair like this in your life!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Does anyone want to come out and play?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Let's Kabaddi it up!

They're holding hands, let's hold hands together.

Are you ready?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Yes!

-I've got to equalise, haven't I?

-You do.

-You know the game, Shilts.

-Ooh! Unbelievable save!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievable!

You'll be all right!

Stop it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!

I want to put you in a big Radox tub,

-treat you right, that's all I want to do!

-I'm liking that too!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

INDISTINCT SPEECH

Why do you always have to fight?

I can't get down there, I've got false knees! LAUGHTER

Somebody get me a cigarette!

That was nice, though.

You left me there for longer than you had to, didn't you?

-Well, you're such a nice boy.

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I do a thing I've always wanted to do?

Yes, go on.

# Near, far... #

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Shilton!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And my friend, Steve Williams!

And Karl Minns!

Hope you enjoyed that, and enjoy the Olympics.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd