Episode 10 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Good News.

We've covered some big news stories since we started the show. Here are some of my favourites.

What have we learned this week?

Adam Boulton HATES his cameraman.

See that man there? He's a real A-hole.

LAUGHTER

Nick Owen was gutted when his Viagra didn't arrive.

-Mmm.

-Not a good night, was it?

No, very frustrating.

LAUGHTER

Did anybody else hear that bloke get his cock out mid-interview?

We're not Royalists.

ZIP NOISE Simple.

This is one of my favourite clips of all time.

Check out the advice

an old lady gave Ed Miliband on how to deal with the Tories.

I know. I know, we've got to do something about them, haven't we?

I don't think that's a good idea, But we need to get them out, you're right.

We definitely need to get them out. Take care.

And finally, it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.

I don't think so, actually, it's just...

# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the major story in the news was of course, the local elections.

Millions of voters have been casting their ballots.

Labour trounced the Conservatives in the local elections.

David Cameron apologised to Tory candidates who'd lost their seats.

Sorry.

Mind you, if you think the Tories had a bad night,

look what happened to the Lib Dems.

In one council ward in Edinburgh,

their candidate was even beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.

Good night? "No.

"I lost to Pingu."

The big story was definitely the battle to become London Mayor.

In the last couple of weeks, the candidates have lost it.

Ken Livingstone told us he only likes dead people.

Favourite Londoner?

Favourite Londoner? No-one who's currently alive.

Jenny Jones came across as a bit of a goer.

-Favourite place in London?

-My bedroom.

And Brian Paddick revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.

Ooh, Sherlock Holmes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To be honest, there was only ever going to be one winner.

'Boris Johnson is re-elected Mayor of London.'

Are you ready?

No, is the answer.

'I haven't got a bloody clue.

'Didn't even though I was Mayor.'

Did you see why Boris's dad reckons he won?

Why is it that Boris is possibly the most popular Tory in London?

It is probably to do with his hair, you know?

Hair counts for a lot nowadays. I've still got a bit of hair,

but he has more hair.

"Nothing to do with his policies, it's his hair.

"Have you seen it?

"You could fit a family of barn owls in that magnificent thatch.

"Sometimes I look at my son and think... Ooh!

"Sherlock Holmes."

LAUGHTER

He wasn't the only one impressed with Boris.

Boris Johnson is a very charismatic guy.

He's a potential leader of the Conservative Party,

he's very attractive.

Attractive?! No, he's not, he looks like a llama.

LAUGHTER

What an incredible week of news.

First up, you couldn't have missed this.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other

and the world. Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,

family and dignitaries from across the globe.

It was a wonderful day.

Two people in love, the sun was shining, we got a day off.

As ever, the British public were very reserved.

Oh, look at William looking at her.

It's magical, it is absolutely magical. Magical!

I am speechless. Speechless.

THEY CHEER LOUDLY

Kate, William!

I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute, "Aaaagh!"

It wasn't just the public. Even the police got into the party spirit.

CROWD CHEERS

Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.

The crowd cheered anything, from the weather to a road sweeper.

There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself.

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

Hurrah!

It's like a car and a Hoover.

For many people... "It is, actually."

For many people, the iconic image of the wedding was this.

Lots of shouts from the crowd here.

And that's the reward.

Come on! The iconic wedding image was this little girl.

LAUGHTER

"Can't believe I put glue on my hands."

Did you watch the service?

When the priest asked if anyone objected to the wedding,

did anyone else go, "Yeah, he's really punching above his weight"?

Just before the ceremony, Harry took Wills off for a private word.

I bet you he said, "Listen, Wills, I know it's your big day

"but I'm definitely going to have a pop at Kate's sister."

Who could blame him? She is extraordinary.

MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix

# Foxy lady... #

I think I speak for the nation when I say, she is a BMILF...

..a bridesmaid I'd love to Facebook!

Talking of Facebook, within minutes of the service,

this page was created.

The Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society.

I wonder who set that up?

Back to the wedding.

Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in

when they sang the National Anthem?

I reckon it's cos she's so bored of it.

She's probably going,

"Oh, if I had a pound for every time they played that song...

"Oh, I do!

"Nice one!"

I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.

# I'm missing Bargain Hunt

# What shall I have for lunch?

# Maybe some chips Do-do-do-do...

# Who would I rather be?

# Spongebob or Mr T?

# I want a butler space monkey

# Cos I'm the Queen. #

Now...

I couldn't take my eyes off the Queen. Did you see what she wore?

I was looking at her, going, "Where have I seen that before?"

Then it hit me.

LAUGHTER

-REGAL VOICE:

-"Smokin'!"

Everywhere you looked, people were wearing medals.

David Beckham was there, looking great, wearing his OBE.

..His medal that he's got, but apparently,

we're being reliably informed that he is wearing it on the wrong side.

LAUGHTER

Imagine someone telling him, "Dave, it's on the wrong side."

"Oh, right!"

LAUGHTER

"Victoria, look, it's that bloke from The Mask."

LAUGHTER

"S...

"Smoking!"

The wedding was the biggest televisual event of all time.

Did you see how many people watched it?

It's thought up to two billion people around the world

watched them today exchange their vows.

Most of you probably watched it on the Beeb, which is a shame

cos you missed out on the in-depth knowledge of Euronews.

Listen to how they described the fly-past over Buckingham Palace.

All I can tell you is that that's a big plane,

and it's got two little planes either side of it.

LAUGHTER

That is genius.

It's great, innit?

Mind you, that was nothing

compared to the moment Chris Hollins was accidentally racist.

Have we had a super day today?

-I've had a great day, thank you!

-Fantastic!

Are you going home?

APPLAUSE

The Chilean miners are free.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy

It's so lovely. It's a genuinely wonderful story.

My favourite miner, without doubt, was Super Mario.

-C-H-I!

-Chi!

-L-E!

-Le!

-Chi chi chi!

-Le le le!

He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?

APPLAUSE

Isn't that amazing?

"Hey, Mario, do you want to talk about your ordeal?"

"No, I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk!

"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big!

"Eh-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!"

Now they're free, their lives have changed forever.

But with such extraordinary drama,

it is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.

Already, a film is being talked about as a certainty.

I've actually seen a sneak preview.

MUSIC: Theme from Brokeback Mountain

-Hey, Miguel.

-Si?

I wish I knew how to quit you!

Have you seen how the Government are trying to help parents?

David Cameron told parents this morning

he wants to make life easier for them.

From today, parents-to-be and new parents

will be able to sign up to a service

to get regular e-mails and texts about looking after their baby.

Yep, that's exactly what you need -

text messages from David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids.

Imagine the useful advice a Tory millionaire will give you.

Thanks, Dave(!)

It isn't just messages, look what else they're offering.

Support via text and e-mail is also being offered,

alongside vouchers for parenting classes.

Parenting classes? To be honest, some people need them.

This is not how you put your kid to sleep.

LAUGHTER

Can you imagine how patronising the classes will be?

"Morning, everyone.

"This is a nice cake for a baby."

"This is a bad cake."

Let's face it, you can teach a parent all you want -

ultimately, kids make their own decisions.

Repeat after me. Dad.

-Dad.

-Da.

-Dad.

-Da...

-Dad.

-Dad...

-Dad.

-Dad!

-Who's your favourite?

-Mum!

In Britain, the National Trust has come up with a list of 50 things

kids need to do before they're 12.

Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling - some of the 50 things

children should do before they're 11-and-three-quarters,

according to the National Trust.

Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.

Some of them are insane.

LAUGHTER

Sod that!

"Awoo! MUM!

"There's an owl on my head!"

Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he's seven.

He gave possibly the cutest answer ever.

"Have you ever called an owl?"

"No.

"I didn't know they had phones!"

My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.

"Ooh, let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."

The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate!

Aaah!

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Mr Blue Sky" by ELO

Hello, mate.

-Hello.

-How you doing?

I've never met anyone like this.

-Well...

-Can I come up and meet you? That'd be fun.

-I'm cleaning the windows.

-OK.

Hey, Russell, how are you?

-I'm very well. All the better for meeting you.

-Yeah, take a seat.

I've never seen anyone as cool as you in my life.

It seems to be an old-fashioned place you work. Is that correct?

Yes, it's perceived to be.

Right. Erm...chalk, want to give me any other clues?

Other than, it feels like I'm going to get caned any second?

No. Well, um...

-Are those Sugar Puffs?

-Yeah, that's a little clue for you.

-I was the original Honey Monster.

-You were the original Honey Monster?

CHEERING

"Tell 'em about the honey, Mummy!"

-I thought that was Pat Butcher.

-No.

Why have you been in the news?

Can you stop sitting like that? I can't stop looking at your nuts!

I am Britain's youngest etiquette expert.

-Shall we fist bump?

-Well, no.

-You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene.

-You're a stuntman?

-Yes.

-Yes. You're the most stunts ever...

-No.

-You've not done...?

Just fucking tell me.

-What is it? Go on.

-I am from the country of cheese.

-Of what?

-Cheese.

-Cheese?

-The blue...

Come on! Cheese!

-Cheese. Cheese.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-That was a kind of...

-Cheese. So it's France, you're from France.

-Yeah, I'm from France.

So what brings you to England?

You didn't see anything on the news?

-I didn't see... D'you know, I didn't.

-Fuck.

Now, wave to the audience, show me how you do it.

Now, that's fine, and the audience are waving back.

Now, that was a little bit too ferocious. As a member of...

-As a member of the Royal...

-Has anyone ever complained of that?

"I've been waved at ferociously!"

That's wanking!

That's a ferocious wave!

-You'd be surprised.

-What's the etiquette for that?

-Remember...

-Palm, eyes.

Yeah, get warmed up.

-I did climb something in Paris.

-You climbed something?

-I did climb GDF in Paris.

-Is that why you're famous? Climbing things?

Well, I won't say that I'm famous, but I am a kind of superstar.

My finger!

We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.

I've met her. My brother genuinely offered her Vaseline.

No, no, no, no. No. He did it... He did it, he did it the correct way.

Open, twist, move.

It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly.

He went, "Would you like some?" She...

Actually, she was very...

Da-da-da-da...

Lovely. Well, that's one for dinner parties!

Victory!

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you seen what Prince Charles has been up to?

Prince Charles has taken to the decks - the DJ decks.

As you can see, he learned how to spin records and then do some mixing.

Tell you what, I'd love to have seen him at Ministry of Sound.

"I'm MC Charlie, I've got all your riches,

"Dance to this, you peasant bitches."

"I got more!"

"My tunes are phat, my beats are manic,

"Try my biscuits, they're all organic."

"Put your butler's hands up, what?"

It wasn't just Charles. Even his dog got into it.

SCRATCHING

SCRATCHING

Quality.

I tell you what, when Charles becomes King, we have to make stamps like this.

Did you see this headline?

That is bullshit. Right, lamb?

Yeeeeaaah.

Here's the scientist that believes this nonsense.

Rupert Sheldrake is a Cambridge educated research scientist

who believes dogs do have a telepathic relationship with their owners.

Bollocks!

He bases it on this research.

Pam is out shopping. Her dog, JT, is in the living room.

At a random moment, just after 2:50pm, Pam is told to head home.

11 seconds later, JT gets up and waits at the door. Coincidence?

Yes!

He just needs a shit.

Dogs aren't psychic.

I refuse to believe that any creature that doesn't recognise its own leg has telepathic powers.

GROWLING AND SNARLING

If dogs are so intelligent,

why does mine start a fight with his own reflection?

Every single time he goes past the mirror,

"All right, Russ, nice day... Who the fuck is this joker?"

Next day, "Let's go for a walk...

"What the fuck is this guy's problem?"

"I've seen him in the pond earlier."

It's madness.

If dogs were psychic, surely they'd send a message to their owner.

"Please don't make me look like this."

Over to Hong Kong and a phone call the police will never forget.

Last night in Hong Kong, the police received a disturbing call.

A man thought it would be fun to have sex with a park bench.

HE GROANS

As you do.

We haven't got a photo of him, but I assume he looks something like this.

So...

Did they cut him free and let him go? Oh, no.

When the police arrived, the man's penis was so swollen,

they couldn't get the man free.

So they took him to the hospital with the bench still attached.

He was still attached.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.

We've asked the audience to bring interesting questions for me

to try and answer. Let's meet the first speaker on

The People's Podium.

CHEERING

-Hello. What's your name?

-Louise.

What's your question?

I saw your show on the hosepipe ban the other day.

If this does lead to the death of the bowling greens,

how are we going to keep old people off the streets? Keep 'em entertained?

Keep old people entertained?

We all have to carry Alan Titchmarsh masks

with us wherever we go. Just in case they panic,

we put it on. "Oh, safe!"

We'll have to get Zorbs,

-and put pensioners in them, just to push around.

-Yes.

Keep stuff in them to keep them happy. Horlicks...

-A book.

-Yes.

Werther's Originals.

Small vole, in case some of them like killing voles.

-What's your name?

-Sam.

What's your question, mate?

-I'm doing work experience in a hospital.

-Sweet.

What should I do to entertain the patients?

LAUGHTER

If you don't like them,

you dress as Death!

APPLAUSE

If you do like them,

whose day isn't brightened up

with an early morning cup of tea?

It's a simple pleasure, but THE best pleasure.

-SPEAKING SOFTLY:

-"Hey." "What?"

"Cup of tea."

"Thanks, Tea Fairy."

You'll have to dress up as a fairy.

Got a nice pair of wings at home.

LAUGHTER

-What's your name, friend?

-Julie.

Lovely to meet you. What's your question?

If you were on a stag do, who would you rather have with you,

Boris Johnson or Barack Obama?

Without doubt, Boris Johnson.

Why?

There is no way you can be smoother than Barack Obama around women.

-Fair enough.

-Boris would eat anything you put in front of him.

He would eat anything.

-He would.

-How about you? Would you like to be smuggled in to join us

-on the stag do?

-Yes, please.

-We could dress you up as a man...

Yes, well...

Oh, no way do you look like a man!

You look like the loveliest dinner lady, ever.

-I mean that as a compliment.

-Thank you.

I love dinner ladies. They're wonderful!

-You have the look of a lady that would...

-I'm only 24!

I mean that. This is why I've got nothing around women. I meant that.

I meant that in a lovely way. You look like you'd make me a cake!

-I can't bake, but I'll make you a cake if you want.

-There you go.

-What's your name?

-I'm Keith.

-What's your question?

-As a senior,

I feel that I'm being overtaken by technology.

I feel like that as well.

I genuinely do.

I checked out in '97.

One of the problems I have, is if I sit on the Tube

with my library book,

all those around me are going like this,

with their gadget in their hands.

Sometimes looking over shoulders, never talking.

But I'm just sitting there with my book.

What can I do to keep up?

What you could do, I guess, is try and...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohh!

No, no. The key

is to make your book look so interesting

that they are not concerned with their electrical goods.

It relies on your acting. You'll have to do a lot of this.

LAUGHTER

-HE MOUTHS:

-"Fuck!"

"Wow!"

"That is so great..."

You do that, you'll be the envy of everyone on that Tube.

-I'll try that.

-Make sure there's someone else on, or it'll look weird.

That's what you should do. Ladies and gentlemen, probably my favourite.

Keith! Go and sit down, my friend.

Here's some good news for food lovers.

A report out this week indicates that a greasy fry-up

may be the best way to start the day. This is fantastic.

It's refreshing to hear a positive food story.

Usually, there's things like,

"Bacon will kill you. If you drink red wine, you will die.

"Chips will rape your dog." You know?

The Daily Mail is the worst. Every day,

there's a different fearmongering story.

Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer?

It's absolutely ridiculous.

MUSIC: "We Didn't Start The Fire"

APPLAUSE

I hope you enjoyed that. Bye.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd