Episode 11 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour from the start.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Hello and welcome to my special edition of Good News Best Bits.

We've covered a lot of stories this series,

here are some of my favourite ones. Enjoy.

So what's been happening? It's all going off at Sky News.

First, Jacquie Beltrao revealed her wrestling name.

Thighs without mercy.

Then Peter Spencer turned to stone.

Some people can be so mistrustful.

Peter, thank you.

Coming up on Boulton & Co, we'll be hearing from both sides of the row.

I tell you what, some journalists have got weird names.

Hello, my name is Lesbian.

LAUGHTER

Either my telly's broken, or there's been some big changes at Sky News.

'This is Sky News, with Eamonn Holmes.'

Good morning.

Check out the Australian version of The Voice.

Is it me, or does Seal appear to be masturbating?

LAUGHTER

# Don't you remember...? #

New research came out this week suggesting why dinosaurs

became extinct.

Dinosaurs may have gassed themselves into extinction.

Researchers say the prehistoric beasts had a flatulence

and belching problem.

Apparently dinosaurs killed themselves by farting.

Turns out it wasn't a meteor. A stegosaurus went, "Pull my finger."

How did the scientists find this out?

Did they find one buried like that? Next to another one, just...

Either way, these lizards really dropped their guts.

Researchers found dinosaurs pumped out

more than 520 million tonnes of methane gas.

520 million tonnes! Must've been a nightmare being a T-rex.

"Oh, my arms are so tiny. I can't waft it away.

"Oh!

"Oh, Jesus Christ, what did you eat?"

"Who's Jesus Christ?"

"I don't know."

I tell you what.

If this is how they died, it's really going to change the movies.

HE ROARS

HE FARTS

Now, take a look at how a bored cat wakes its owner up

every morning at 5am.

If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning and the traditional

alarm clock just isn't enough, maybe you need this furry wake-up call.

Ohhh! Oh...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's the one on the end, the one on the end is the most satisfying.

"I can't reach." Wa-doing!

It's so cute, isn't it? But five in the morning? Every day?

If that was my cat...

..he'd end up like this.

LAUGHTER

What? I like a lie in.

Sometimes you have to keep them in check.

Some cats are plain evil.

My favourite animal story of the week is this belter.

There was a kung fu hamster terrorising people in Slovakia.

The reason I love this story so much

is because some genius took a photo of the hamster.

Prepare yourself. This is one of the greatest photos you will ever see.

LAUGHTER

Not only is he throwing kung fu shapes, look at his mouth.

It looks like he's going, "Surprise, asshole!"

First up, some strange economic news.

-Erm...

-Erm...

-Erm...

It's the surprising research which may leave

some people scratching their heads.

Marketing experts reckon The Only Way Is Essex has generated

-an extra billion pounds of spending in the UK.

-Shut up!

Fuck off.

-CHEERING

-Yeah, this is the... Exactly.

This is the bizarre news that The Only Way Is Essex has boosted

the economy by 1.4 billion.

Thanks to TOWIE, sales in...

In other news, book sales are down 800%.

"I can't read but I've got a shiny muff."

It's so depressing.

When I was young, kids wanted to go to the moon, not have a neon minge.

How have they got their own show?

Why don't we idolise impressive people?

Why can't we have a show, I don't know, called The Only Way Is Fry?

We could hear stuff like this.

Would you be in any way offended if I said you seem to me to be

the visible personification of absolute perfection?

As opposed to this.

The goat's beard, look, how embarrassing.

Is that why they're called goats, cos they've got goaties?

Yeah, it's so right.

Here is quite literally a shocking story about a ten-year-old.

Now to the Arkansas police officer under investigation

this morning for using a taser on a ten-year-old girl.

That's... Don't laugh!

A policeman tasered a ten-year-old girl.

So what terrible crime did this evil child commit?

Kelly King says her ten-year-old daughter was acting out,

refusing to take a shower.

Holy shit! How over the top is that?

"Have a shower." "No." Arrrrr!

The poor girl will never miss a shower again.

She'll be scrubbing for hours.

"Ahh...ahhh."

By the time she's done, she'll look like this.

Times have changed.

When my mum was naughty, they didn't taser her,

they just put a budgie on her head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, we shouldn't be surprised. This is America.

Their police are pretty hard-core.

Listen to this emergency call from a concerned parent.

What was the police response?

In fairness, we've all seen an annoying child we'd like to shoot.

# Baby, baby... #

I'm very worried about the students at Swansea Uni.

Do you reckon they're sat there, "Mum!

"I need a wipe!"

It's insane.

I mean, what kind of job are you going to get

if you can't even shit properly?

-Shut up!

-Fuck off!

In case you can't figure out,

here's the handy diagram they're showing the students.

This isn't a joke.

These were genuinely put up in a place of learning.

This is good toilet.

And this is bad toilet.

I'm a good guy, I wanted to help the students out.

So I've made a few signs of my own, right? Here we go.

This is how you urinate, there you go.

Lovely bit of wee, oh, that's nice.

This is not. That's bad.

That's bad toilet, right?

This is how you use a kettle.

Oh, a bit of tea. Tea, mmm.

This is not how you use a kettle, that's bad.

That's bad kettle.

One more. This is how you feed a pet.

Oh, he likes that, doesn't he?

Lovely little dog, lovely bit of food, nom, nom, nom.

This is definitely not how to feed a pet.

It's not how you feed a pet.

First up, over to Australia and a sexy way to travel.

Air Australia is offering you the chance to join the prestigious

Mile High Club.

The hour-long flight includes a private cabin in the back

with a double bed, champagne and chocolates for you and your partner.

Classic Australia.

Over here, we're not allowed to take fluids on board,

they're flinging theirs about.

I'd love to see the plane windows.

Do you reckon there'll be birds like this?

"This is great. Or it would be if I wasn't an owl."

It isn't just the sex. Look what else the Aussies are offering.

After the flight, you receive a Mile High Club certificate

and commemorative pen.

Why have they got a certificate? "What's that for, Dad?"

"Did your mum at 50,000 feet.

"Pretty weird actually, son. There was an owl watching.

"I don't know if you've ever made love staring at an owl,

"it's pretty weird.

"You can't escape their gaze. The head can turn around completely.

"Like a furry lighthouse."

A Mile High Club.

There may be a few of you going, "Oh, sounds quite romantic."

You people are wrong. You are.

The pilot will be an Australian man,

and you know what his announcements will be like.

"In the event of any turbulence, she's going to bloody love it!

"If we do crash, I'll join in." You think I'm joking. It's true.

Aussie men are pretty blunt.

What do you reckon Kate and Wills

are going to get up to on their honeymoon?

-Can we say it on TV?

-It depends.

Anal.

Next up, have you seen how a group of men are promoting

tourism in Scandinavia?

When tourism is down, there's nothing better to get it back up

than a video of naked men humping things.

Amen to that.

Now, look at the video these guys created to get people

to visit their country.

It looks like Louie Spence's mind.

How does that promote your country?

If you like a place, write something nice on TripAdvisor, don't fuck it.

It is a funny video, though, isn't it? This guy's my favourite.

Check this bloke out. Why? Cos he's wearing a hat.

I also love this bloke.

What is that?

That's not shagging, it's rape-a-yoga.

I tell you what, if that's how they sell their country,

can you imagine what their shopping channels are like?

SWEDISH ACCENT: Hello, welcome to the Shopping Channel.

Gunther will now sell the toaster. Gunther.

Ah! I love toasters!

He loves toasters!

Warning - some of our toasters may contain pubes. Whoops!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There have been some insane health stories knocking about.

Check out the latest craze sweeping across Taiwan.

Tu Shin Chan is the grand master of in xao gung,

an extraordinary and controversial form of medicine

for men who want to be all they can be.

Medicine? Well, that is stretching it.

You'll get that joke in about five seconds.

Look what this "medicine" entails.

After deep breathing, each man ties

a soft sash around his penis and scrotum

and straps on a five-kilogram weight.

That is NOT medicine!

That is pervert croquet, that's what that is.

"The greens are good, aren't they, Barry?"

It's insane!

This has to be understatement of the year.

Some doctors have suggested it may cause serious injury.

Fucking right!

You'll have a dick like this guy's arm!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So why the hell are Taiwanese men doing this?

Master Tu believes conventional medicine will one day recognise

the benefits of this exercise

and even see it as a safe alternative

to potency-enhancing drugs like Viagra.

An alternative to Viagra? It's hardly going to be romantic.

"I tell you what, love, I'm going to make love to you all night,

"just as soon as I finish stretching my penis with this lead weight.

"You stay there, love, you're in for the time of your life!

"Oh, I wouldn't want to be you. Oh-ho-ho!

"Linda?

"Linda, can you phone an ambulance, please?

"And make sure it's a long one. I'm in real trouble here."

These guys don't just use it for sex. Check out this mad bastard!

The more experienced practitioners

are still to discover the limits of in xao gung,

one man even offering to pull our van.

He's pulling a van with his wang!

Let's hope to God the AA don't start doing that.

"'Ello, love! I'm the fourth emergency service!

"Let's just warm the bad boy up. Here we go."

Have you seen the latest way teenagers are getting pissed?

In the last few months, an increasing number of teenagers

have been treated in hospital for alcohol poisoning

after they got drunk on hand sanitiser and mouthwash.

They're drinking mouthwash!

"Tequila?" "No, I'm on Listerine."

"I'm pissed...

"and I'm minty fresh."

It's insane! Look at the side effects.

These kind of symptoms - slurred speech, lack of balance,

changes in their mental state.

So if that's what it does to you,

this guy must have drunk pints of the stuff.

SLURRED SINGING

APPLAUSE

Not only that, I think this fella's been on it too.

"Simba! Simba, I am wankered!"

Did you read about this?

It's insane, innit? How angry must they be?

"Got your nose!"

"Well, give it back, then!"

It makes no sense. When I was five, I didn't need anger management.

If I wanted to be happy, I just did this.

"That's better. I was really upset."

Or if I was really annoyed, farty noise under the arm.

HE LAUGHS

Mind you, it's no wonder five-year-olds are messed up.

Look at the lessons they're taught by fairy tales.

Jack and Jill - domestic violence.

Goldilocks - breaking and entering.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - gang bang.

Sleeping Beauty - that's the worst.

What's that? Touching up a girl in a coma, that's what that is.

"Lads, a girl asleep. I'm going to try and bang her!

"She's woken up! It's all right, I'm a prince. Let's get married."

LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY

Have you heard the news about Stephen Hawking?

Apparently, Hawking loves a clunge hut, right?

Did you see the way this was covered by Taiwanese news?

Look how they claim the Cambridge genius arrived at a sex club.

APPLAUSE

It gets weirder. This next bit is insane.

Now, boobs are incredible.

But I'm not sure they've got the power to do this.

APPLAUSE

Now, this is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest, and I have to figure out who it is.

So please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Hello, mate.

-Hi.

-How are you doing? You all right?

-Yeah. And you?

-I'm very well indeed. What's your name?

-My name's Darius.

-Darius.

Excellent. I'm Russell. Thanks for coming on the show.

Right, it would appear to have an Olympic theme.

-Yeah, something like that, yeah.

-OK.

Are you an Olympic athlete?

-Yeah...

-Sort of?

-Yeah, kind of. I would say so, yeah.

-In what...? Is it...?

Ping-Pong?

-No, no, I need to show you my biggest clue.

-OK.

-APPLAUSE

-That'll do it.

CHEERING

Right...

Memories of Thailand come flooding back.

Just what kind of Olympics are you competing in, my friend?

Please tell me you're a table-tennis player,

you're not going to do something unspeakable with these.

-No?

-No.

-You're a table-tennis player.

-Yes, I am.

And you are at the Olympics?

Well, I'm hoping to compete in the 2012 Olympics this year.

Fantastic! How cool is that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...

..what made you learn how to become a Ping-Pong champion?

Table tennis was the only sport that I could play without injuries.

Big guys, small guys, skinny guys, everyone had their advantages.

-OK.

-So I just started doing it for fun,

and then I kind of started getting a bit better at it.

I started beating the guys, and they were, like,

"Ah, table tennis is boring now. We're going back to football."

I was, like, "Hang on a minute, guys, I've got the shoes,

"the rubbers, the bat cases, everything."

-The rubbers?

-Yeah.

How good at table tennis are you?!

So basically, my mum had spent loads of money, and she was, like,

"I've spent all this money, and you're stopping?

"Boy, you better get your arse back on that table."

So the reason you're so good at table tennis

is because your mum wouldn't let you stop.

-A little bit!

-Let's play. That'd be fun. Can we have a go?

-Yeah, yeah, sure.

-Let's do that, man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice work.

I'm in trouble here, aren't I?

-Just a little bit.

-Yeah!

OK. I'm going to give you a quick table tennis crash course.

-Looking forward to it.

-The most important thing is to be relaxed.

It's like you're, erm...

It's like you're holding a baby. You don't want to be too tense.

Very relaxed.

But when you're holding a bat,

hold it like you're shaking somebody's hand.

So it's like you're shaking a baby's hand?

Here. I'm going to come and, er, hold your hand. So, er,

you need to...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bend your legs a little bit. Bend your legs.

-OK, I'm going to hold your hand. Relax, relax, relax, relax.

-OK. Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And just go, yeah. Like it. Yeah. That's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right.

Just throw it, and I'll make sure I'm hitting it!

There we go. That's it. Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's do it. Let's have a quick game.

-You ready?

-Yeah.

That was out.

That was out, mate.

-Hang on a second.

-Ohhh!

That was going in!

-OK, so it's 1-0 to you.

-First to five.

-First to five.

Your serve, then. Let's go.

-1-1.

-Yeah. Cool.

-My serve.

That was pretty good.

1-2.

APPLAUSE

Are you ready?

-Hang on, I thought you had to go diagonal.

-Any way, any way.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

-You are a natural.

-That's right.

All right, 3-2. Your serve, your serve, your serve.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-I'm going to finish you

-with a magical serve.

-I'm looking forward to it.

-You won't touch the ball.

I know.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry. I need one more try. Is that all right?

-Yeah.

-OK?

I do believe that's 4-4 now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

4-4.

-Darius, you win.

-Thank you very much.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

In the world of celebrity,

have you seen what they've been doing to stop obesity?

Chef Jamie Oliver and footballer Steven Gerrard

say the pride of hosting the Olympic Games

has been tainted by the shameful fact that Britain is officially

the fattest nation in Europe.

Damn straight. It's already affected our gymnasts.

APPLAUSE

Our swimmers aren't much better.

HE BARKS LIKE A SEAL

APPLAUSE

Still, on the bright side,

at least we're not as bad as the Americans.

APPLAUSE

Over in Holland, a bloke's had an unusual reaction to an operation.

You have to check this out. It is so beautiful.

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Just...

It's... It's so great!

He's so happy, and she looks like the grumpiest bulldog ever.

I tell you what, I could watch this man for hours.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Until the next series, have a fantastic summer. Good night.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd