Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you.

Hello! Thank you.

That was very nice. Hello, welcome to the new series of Good News.

So what's been happening?

On Look North, Leanne Brown revealed a sinister hobby.

Some people collect stamps. I make bombs.

Over on Newsnight,

they interviewed a guy with the most terrifying stare ever.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Susanna Reed revealed what you need to bring to her orgies.

A saucepan, a wooden spoon and some painkillers.

Now, I'm no expert,

but I'm pretty sure this baby hates being interviewed.

Before we toss it back, we've got to go to Drew, the farm kid.

How you doing there, pally?

He can't say anything right now, but you know what he's saying right now?

E=mc2.

And finally, here's a tip.

If you're going to go on telly,

don't stand in front of a sign like this.

D'Andre Finnie's next court appearance...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So what's been happening? Well, I couldn't keep my eyes off this.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are said to be very angry

that a French magazine has published...

..pictures showing Kate sunbathing topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-Topless.

-An amazing pair!

Everyone reacted in exactly the same way. "This is appalling!

"It's an invasion of their privacy!

"I'll just have a quick look."

Come on, everyone looked! I mean, this guy loved it!

People keep saying, "They're shocking photos!

"They're so shocking!" That's not a shocking photo!

I've got one of my brother teabagging a cat.

Don't worry, I'm not going to show you the photo.

But I can show you the cat afterwards.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What made me laugh, the day after the topless photos were printed,

Kate and Wills visited the Solomon Isles.

Did you see who greeted them?

Is it me, or were these ladies taking the piss?

"We've also done a tribute for Prince Harry. Show them, Rodrigo!"

"Wa-a-a-a-ay!"

God bless Harry. He wins my award for Royal Nudist of the Summer.

Everyone's seen his naked Vegas photos,

but I've managed to get hold of a video.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The best thing - check out the getaway driver!

-POSH ACCENT:

-"Go, go, go, go, go!"

Talking of tits, Nick Clegg was back in the news.

A contrite Nick Clegg has appealed to voters to forgive him

for breaking his promise not to raise tuition fees.

We made a pledge, we didn't stick to it, and for that I am sorry.

And how did the public react?

They took the piss.

# I'm sorry, I'm sorry

# I'm so, so sorry

# There's no easy way to say

# I'm sorry... #

It's so catchy, isn't it? "Oh, you didn't make me a cup of tea."

# I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so... #

Not the dance, that's weird.

Did the apology work? Not really.

I mean, look what this guy wants to do to the Lib Dems.

Every single Lib Dem should be dragged out onto the street

and stripped naked and pecked to death by pigeon-chickens

that have got no feet cos they've been burnt off by their own shit!

Whoa!

I've been angry, I've never invented an animal.

"I hate you so much! Release the hippo-mice!"

Poor old Cleggie. He's had a tough week.

Not even his supporters like him.

And these people were big, they were bold.

They, they, you know, they might, even in modern terms,

they might have been quite ruthless, cos they swept aside

a lot of objections,

but they created the infrastructure for a modern society.

We have to rewire the United Kingdom,

both naturally for the digital age, but also in the wider sense.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Not a fan.

Now, the big technology news of the week was this.

'Apple fans have been queuing to get their hands on the iPhone Five.'

Did you see the queues? It's like a nerdy conga!

"What do we want?" "More pixels."

"What else do we want?" "Friends?

"Just a friend to call!"

So how's it gone down? Well, some people loved it.

iPhone Five is the most amazing, best Apple product ever!

Not everyone agreed.

iPhone Five is a fuckin' piece of shit.

Apparently he was so angry he was going to release a monkey-badger.

Now...

..I've heard there's loads wrong with this iPhone.

I just hope they fix Auto Correct, don't you?

We've all been burnt by Auto Correct.

Have a look at this poor girl. This actually happened on her phone.

Luckily, there's help on hand.

And this was the reply that broke the family.

U-U-U-URGH! NO-O-O-O!

# I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry. #

Over in the US, have you seen the latest way

they're trying to stop drink driving?

'Talking urinals have been introduced in the US

'to encourage men not to drink and drive.'

Talking toilets?!

"I was going to get shitfaced, but the toilet fairy said no!"

It gets weirder! For some reason, they only have female voices!

FEMALE VOICE:

-SLURRED:

-"Why don't you do yourself a favour

"and drink my piss, you moany bitch?

"Eh?! You don't know me!"

How weird would that phone call be?

"Hello? You need to pick me up! Why? Cos the toilet told me!

"Yeah, the toilet says I'm a danger to society!"

Not that the toilet is always polite. Check this out.

It's brilliant.

'Check out the most risque track on this potty playlist.'

'Don't drive drunk.

'If you do and you get arrested, the next urinal you pee in

'will be in jail, with a hairy guy named Bubba standing behind

'asking you to pick up the soap and be his bitch.'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How full-on is that?! What if you weren't even drinking?!

You're just having a wee and the toilet's like,

"You're going to get raped!" "Eh?! I'm just drinking J20!"

Apparently - this is even weirder -

they're going to have male voices in the ladies.

Never going to work, you just know somebody in the factory

will program it to say this.

Giggity!

You know they're doing that. It's the first thing you do.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, that has got nothing

on the way they're trying to stop people drinking in Finland.

What you're about to see might just be the creepiest and most terrifying

public service announcement anywhere in the world right now.

Holy shit!

How scary is that?!

Can you imagine what your face would look like

if you saw that more than once?

Everyone knows who they are... LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

It's so ridiculous. I've seen my dad drunk many times.

Not once has he ever turned into a fucking rabbit.

"All right, son?" "Dad!"

My mate's a dad. When he's pissed, he doesn't become a monster.

He looks like this.

Have you seen how they're trying to stop people talking in cinemas?

'My name is Catherine Small and I am a cinema ninja.'

'The role of a cinema ninja'

is to basically help the cinema

stop any naughty behaviour in the cinema.

So let me get it straight. They're trying to keep noise down

by creeping up to people in the dark?

"Excuse me..." "FUCKING HELL!

-"What you doing?!"

-HE WAILS

HE GIBBERS

"I've shat myself, you pervert!"

HE GIBBERS

HE WHINES

Mind you -

pre-warning, this is my silliest joke ever, but I fucking love it -

I'd love to see their war cry.

SINGS PEARL AND DEAN THEME MUSIC

Shh.

The silliest joke. That's the silliest joke you'll ever see.

Now, staying in the world of cinema, this story's amazing.

A man in a theatre in downtown Sparks

accidentally shoots himself in the buttocks while watching a movie.

As you do. Now, was the film stopped?

Was he screaming in agony?

Oh, no.

Witnesses say the subject then stood up,

apologised to the crowd and took himself to the VA hospital.

He apologised!

"I'm terribly sorry, I appear to have fired a gun into my rectum.

"I've literally put a cap in my ass.

"Enjoy the film.

"I'm in real trouble!"

I love the fact he drove himself to the hospital.

He's just fired a shot there. Imagine the poor nurses.

Imagine trying to keep a straight face

when he tells you what happened.

"You did what? Did you? Shot in the...in the bum, yeah?

"..I've just got to take some files over here.

"Mary? You see that man over there?

"That man's got two arseholes."

Over in Russia, a cartoon is in hot water.

Russia's TV stations are considering

banning some of the nation's best-loved children's cartoons.

Why? Are they too violent? Are they racist?

Some argue that Russia's equivalent of Tom and Jerry,

called Nu, Pogodi!,

is harmful to children.

That's because the wolf chasing the hare is a smoker.

They're banning cartoons cos the wolf's having a fag?

Like there's five-year-olds, "Why am I smoking?

"I seen a wolf do it."

It's ridiculous. Kids aren't stupid.

I was a huge fan of Transformers when I was little.

I never had a chat with a lorry.

"All right, Optimus?

"Someone's quiet today!"

Just my mum, "Oh, God, Russell's talking to the lorry again."

"Shhh! Mum's onto us, Optimus.

"I'll see you later, my friend."

I never stroked a lorry, I should point out!

Mind you, it isn't just smoking that's upsetting people.

Cheburashka and his friend Gena the crocodile

have also come under fire

from conservative groups for having homoerotic overtones.

What indeed. They're annoyed that a wolf and a crocodile

might have a gay relationship.

Christ, if they think that's homoerotic,

they should watch Big Cook, Little Cook.

Be careful, Ben!

Ohhh!

Oh, no!

Don't worry, Ben. I'll just lick it up!

Mmmm. HE LAUGHS

Now, what I want to know...

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

It's the joy, isn't it? It's the joy. What I want to know,

why would a wolf have a gay relationship with a crocodile?

Think about it. It'd be the scariest blow job ever!

"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow you till your eyes pop."

It's so stupid.

I mean, what do these bigots want this cartoon to look like? This?

'Hello, Mr Wolf!

'Mr Wolf has stopped smoking,

'which means he can get more air into his lungs.'

-HE INHALES DEEPLY

-Ahhh!

'Which gives him more energy for gay-bashing!

'Go on, Mr Wolf!'

APPLAUSE

From Russia to Holland, a fantastic story about revenge.

He made his room so girly, he turned his brother into a horse.

Nee!

Nee!

Nee!

NEIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY

I've been angry before - I've never gone full pony!

"I can't believe you've done this!"

"Oh, look, I've got glitter in my hooves!"

BLOWS LIKE A HORSE

I love this next bit. I could watch it for hours.

Listen to the pity in his voice.

No, your big brother is a legend.

Now, some people are saying it's the meanest prank ever.

I don't know. I think this is worse.

Just like that.

-Where's the log at?

-It's right by your feet.

I just throw it?

Ohhh!

APPLAUSE

Over in Australia, if you think your working conditions are strict,

check this out.

A large catering company servicing private schools and nursing homes

has made an unprecedented threat against its workers.

It will dock their pay more than 1,000 dollars if they burn toast.

A grand if they burn toast?!

I tell you, if I worked there, I'd make it like this.

How harsh is that?! 1,000 dollars if you burn toast.

Can you imagine how tense that canteen's going to be?

Hello. Can I have some toast, please?

MUSIC: "O Fortuna" by Carl Orff

Nooo!

GUN CLICKS

GUNSHOT

Mind you, there are worse punishments

if you're a bad cook.

Be careful, Ben!

Ohhh!

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who that is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, mate.

-Hello.

-Hi, all right?

-Hiya, man. I'm good, how are you? Are you well?

-Yeah, not too bad, yourself?

-I like your vest.

LAUGHTER It's a bit scary, eh?

It is a bit scary, but you should have come fully dressed.

I thought about it, but it's meant to be giving you a clue.

-What, you've got your pythons out?

-Nah.

-A little like drainpipes, eh?

-They look lovely. Erm, OK,

so it's presumably got something to do with shaving.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Are you the world's fastest hairdresser?

-Not hairdresser, no.

-Not hairdressing. You don't do vajazzles, do you?

LAUGHTER

Any other clues? I'm going to need more clues.

I work with a vibrator in my hand all day long.

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

-I couldn't do it without it.

-You couldn't do your job without holding a vibrator?

-Serious job. Serious job.

-Do you know, imagine trying to do a comedy show on telly, and there's...

MIMICS VIBRATING NOISE

Unless you gave it a little mouth,

you'd have the most erotic ventriloquist act ever.

"How are you?" "I'll tell you how he is, dirty bastard!

"Oh, the stories we could tell!" "Not now, Barry!"

LAUGHTER

-Do you put it on someone's head?

-Well, not someone's head, no.

-Not someone's.

-No. It's not human related.

It's not human related.

-This is sounding dodgy now. It's just got worse.

-Sounding dodgy now.

It sounded fairly dodgy when you said, "I work with a vibrator in my hand."

OK, so, it's something to do with animals,

you hold a vibrator in your hand, and...

Erm, are you on a register?

No. LAUGHTER

So, why exactly are you in the news?

I was English sheep shearing champion,

and I can shear them in just about 26 seconds.

You can shear a sheep in 26 seconds?

-That's worth around of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-That's one of the few animals you're allowed to shave and it's not weird.

-LAUGHTER

Thank God for that. So how did you get into that?

Well, I bought my first sheep when I was, oh, about 16,

and I was too tight to pay someone to shear him, so...

-Do you know, I bought a Game Boy when I was 16.

-LAUGHTER

So, are we going to do any shearing? Have we got any sheep back there?

Hopefully we're going to give you a bit of a crash course in shearing a sheep.

-See how good or bad you are.

-Sweet.

-We've actually got sheep back there?

-Yeah.

-So, hang on,

-sheep have been watching this show backstage?

-Yeah.

"Very good, actually, I'm quite enjoying this."

"Isn't his eye wonky?"

-Awesome. What are they called? What are we dealing with?

-Frank.

Frank. Just Frank?

-You'll get pretty intimate with Frank.

-Will I?

LAUGHTER

-OK.

-Shall we watch a quick clip, and see how we get on?

-Right.

# Who would've thought that you and me

# In it together, one up on me

# Oh!

# That's not to say

# We're doing it your way

# Tiger blood. #

SHEEP BLEATS

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Oh, you feel like my bed covers.

LAUGHTER

-I think he likes you, eh?

-He's a lovely fella.

Right, we turn Frank up. RUSSELL GASPS

It feels... He's got a massive bellybutton. It's weird.

-That's not his bellybutton.

-Is that his dick?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In which case, he's got a tiny dick.

Just give it a go. If I show you the first little bit, and then you can have a go.

-Yeah, you do it, yeah.

-You'll have to have a go.

Yeah, you say that, but...

We did all the tricky parts earlier, so you didn't cut his knob off, or anything.

Yeah.

-That was the main part.

-You'd struggle with that. Jesus.

Erm, right.

SHEARS BUZZ

-We take his belly off, first.

-It's like the most weird striptease I've ever seen.

Oh, my God! not his head! Not his head!

As you're moving him round, you're getting him into the position where he always feels comfortable.

-Great(!)

-We hope.

-SHEARS STOP

-Right, I'll do... I'll do a little bit.

APPLAUSE

-Do you want me to hold him and you shear him?

-Yeah.

So, if you hold onto this.

I'm a clumsy prick. I'm going to kill him.

-LAUGHTER Are you ready?

-I pull it down, do I?

SHEARS BUZZ That's what it feels like in your hands.

Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Frank.

Just guide it along his skin. That is designed to not cut him.

-Oh, God!

-See? You've cut some!

Oh, God! I feel so... I don't like it. I don't like it!

You'll be all right.

You're being a bit soft, eh?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There, you finish him off.

Hopefully Frank will sit still and we can finish.

Wahey! There you go!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There you go, you can have a stroke of Frank, there.

You look better now.

But I preferred your afro.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the fastest shearer in England.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Cheers, mate. And, of course, Frank!

CHEERING

Big news in the world of art.

Have you seen the latest exhibit at the National Gallery?

Now, the artist who dressed up as a bear

as part of his award-winning entry to the Turner prize five years ago

has now set up a peepshow in the centre of the National Gallery.

Visitors are invited to spy through small holes, blinds and a keyhole

at a naked woman in a bathroom.

Hmm!

I wonder what John Snow thought of that? I bet he was bloody outraged.

Quite a small peephole, I thought.

LAUGHTER

Son of a bitch!

Not my favourite art story this summer. That was definitely this.

An elderly Spanish parishioner has shocked her local community

by trying to restore a prized fresco of Jesus by herself.

Have a look at what she did.

This is what the original painting looked like.

This is how it has been left.

-LAUGHTER

-Have a look at it again!

Look at that.

It looks like a Wookiee sex doll!

See what she did to Mohammed? Me neither, I'm not an idiot!

People are really upset. Did you hear?

They're saying, "Jesus doesn't look like that."

And you're like, "How do you know? Maybe he was a munter!"

Wouldn't it be great if Jesus came back and said,

"That looks exactly like me"

"It's exactly the same"

"Nice work!"

Come on, man. I've seen worse things happen to face.

Be careful, Ben!

Take a look at this story from Afghanistan.

A British soldier in Afghanistan

who apparently didn't know she was pregnant

has given birth to a baby boy at Camp Bastion.

She was pregnant in a war zone. How hard is she?

I bet the baby came out like this.

LAUGHTER

"Look alive, assholes!"

Mind you, pregnant women on the front line would be amazing.

They wouldn't need weapons. Their hormones would be enough.

"Oi! Taliban! Fuck o-o-off!"

"Somebody give me a back rub, yeah!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is wonderful. This is an inspirational story

about a little boy and an amazing journey.

Walking to school is an everyday event for most children.

But for Evan Whitton,

this is a turning point in his life. He has cerebral palsy

and was unable to walk at all

before an operation in America last year.

Today, for the first time, he's walking with his mum

and the rest of his family to his school in Silsden.

When we first got the OK to have the operation,

it was just such a pipe dream.

But it's come true, really.

It's part of Evan's big journey and it's come true.

The school is about half a mile from where Evan lives.

The walk's tiring, so he takes a break and chats to mum Linda.

-You up for the rest of the walk?

-Er, yep.

Are you going to get there with a smile on your face?

Thank you to all my family.

It's the greatest experience I've had in my life.

Ah, that's nice.

I thought this experience was going to be really scary,

but it turns out not.

-Well, that's good!

-LINDA LAUGHS

You are funny!

-CHILDREN:

-Evan! Evan! Evan!

Almost an hour after leaving home,

Evan's given a hero's welcome at Hothfield Juniors.

CHEERING

Today was the first time he'd ever walked to school,

but he's determined it won't be the last.

Quality, isn't it? How lovely is that?

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends.

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