Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language from the start.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. OK. Thank you very much.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

-LAUGHS

-Stop it!

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

In political news, Nick Clegg threatened to orgasm live on TV.

Um, over halfway...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Is it me, or does Sarah Hewson read like a six-year-old girl?

If you missed any of the interviews,

they are all on the Sky News iPad app already.

Now, here's a question for you.

Did anyone else see that bloke on Newsnight drawing on his cock?

It's gone down but more people are drifting away from it.

BBC Spotlight interviewed the most Bristolian man EVER.

We was in Dunkirk, and all that, so we had the spirit

and, y'know, were transported over.

And, finally, did anyone else see that reporter turn to stone?

They say Catholic schools leave room for the Holy Ghost.

Anyway, there is a lot of memories to get out.

MUSIC: "Tubular Bells" as Exorcist Theme by Mike Oldfield

VOICES DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC

APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on? I tell you what, the weather's been shocking!

The worst storm in more than 30 years.

Parts of the UK were battered with more heavy rain...

Trees blown down...

Flats on the brink of collapse.

Whole streets were flooded! Some people cried.

Others did this.

Yeah! Flooded!

Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ey!

Yey! It's a good job it wasn't a fire! Let's have a barbecue!

Not that Sky were any better.

Did they focus on the destruction, the heartache? No!

They showed THIS!

Our cameraman went out and spotted a little family

of water voles nestling on a stone bridge.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Don't, "Aw"! "My life is ruined." "Yeah, but look at his face!

-"He's a water vole."

-GIBBERS

It's madness!

If you're going to show animals in the flood,

SURELY you pick these two!

If you're doing it, do it properly.

Mind you, if you think that's bad,

look what one of them found in the river.

Do you know who I feel sorry for when it rains? Reporters.

Do they have them in the studio, nice and warm,

talking about the weather?

Oh, no.

This would normally be one of the busiest streets in York -

a hive of activity.

Did you see what happened to the sea in Aberdeen?

The sea is churning up what appears to be sort of comedy foam.

Christ, I haven't seen stuff that white and scary since this!

Be careful, Ben!

Now, here in Britain, JK Rowling has picked up her pen once more.

JK Rowling is perhaps the most famous living writer in the world.

Now, she's opening a new chapter

in her literary life with her first novel aimed at an adult audience.

A book for adults?! That's going to freak out the kids, isn't it?

"Ron moaned as he took Hermione up the Gryffindor.

"If only she'd worked harder on her Defence against the Dark Arts.

"Meanwhile, Harry had caught the Snitch.

"He vowed he would never again sleep with a prostitute."

Have you seen what it's called?

The Casual Vacancy is a story set in a small English town.

The Casual Vacancy?!

Surely if she's going to write an adult book,

she should have gone for this.

There's more.

Or my personal favourite.

AS DOBBY: Mr Harry should never have given me a sock!

And the big sporting story of the week was this.

Chelsea captain John Terry has been banned for four matches

and fined £220,000

for racially abusing the QPR defender Anton Ferdinand.

Well, that's taught him a lesson, hasn't it(?)

He racially abused a black footballer and all that happens -

he gets fined a week's wages and given a two-week holiday.

What next? Ten minutes on the naughty step?

It's insane. Imagine that in your work.

Imagine having a job where you get a holiday if you're racist?

Boss, I really need Christmas off.

"I'm sorry, Russ, we just can't spare you." Oh, please.

Oh, come on.

Oh, me love you long time.

"Oh, go on, then. Go on then.

"Off you go."

The big health news was all about a show on Channel 4.

What does ecstasy actually do to the brain?

Tonight, no politics, no propaganda,

just the unvarnished scientific truth.

We show you what happens when a group of volunteers

is given 83 milligrams of specially prepared ecstasy.

They give people MDMA live on telly. Some people loved it.

It's like everything wonderful and good about a person you see.

Aw!

Others, not so sure.

Fisting?! Jesus! No wonder ravers pull faces like this!

Did you watch the show? The guests were so dull. MPs, priests...

Surely if you're going to give anyone ecstasy live on telly,

you pick this guy.

Wouldn't that be amazing? Imagine him on drugs!

He's pretty strange when he's sober.

So I'd certainly say, "Oh, no, turn right. Watch the chickens."

MIMICS CHICKEN

TARZAN YELL

Another thing that was annoying,

they only showed them when they were high.

Channel 4 missed a trick. They should have shown THIS the next day.

SOBBING

Oh...

Now, it wasn't just the guests getting high.

Did you read about Jon Snow?

Imagine driving on acid. How scary would that be? "Oh....

"Oh...the world is shrinking.

"I've just seen a Little Chef."

So where did Jon Snow's binge take place? Was it in a crack den?

Was it backstage with Pete Doherty?

No, I'd argue this is the most middle-class drug story ever!

They've spiked the flan, man!

Who's their dealer? Mr Kipling(?)

Mind you, it could've been worse. Somebody sprinkled vol-au-vents

with acid and turned this guy into a goat.

BELLOWS LIKE A GOAT

Next up... God, I love this story, right?

You probably knew that George Michael was in a coma this year.

But I bet you didn't know this.

Oh, I can't tell you how much I wanted to see that.

Imagine the moment he came round? "Are you OK, George?"

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-"OK?

"Oi feel great. Lush, you daft bugalug."

It would have been AMAZING.

But I think the reason why I love this story so much

is because of the reaction of the hospital staff.

WOMAN QUOTES: "My doctors were worried that I had this condition."

This is incredible, right.

Look at what the doctors screamed

when they heard his Bristolian accent.

"They were saying, 'Oh, my god, he's got brain damage.'"

He's got brain damage.

Christ, let's hope this bloke NEVER goes there.

We was in Dunkirk and all that. We had the spirit...

Mind you, George's accent is nothing.

You should've seen the time my nan woke from a coma.

MONITOR BEEPS

MALE WEST INDIAN VOICE: Wha' go' on?

Me a feel better, man.

Oh, please tell me, I have missed the new series of Downton Abbey?

I taped it.

Ah, Ras Tafari!

Some cracking stories about pensioners in the news.

First up, two sweet old ladies with possibly the dullest hobby ever!

The Ladies Who Bus, the nickname two women

have given themselves as they enjoy retirement in their own special way.

Because Jo and Linda have decided they want to travel

every London bus route from start to finish.

They're spending their retirement on London buses! "Oh, look a stabbing."

"Oh, a teenager getting fingered against a bin." "Whey-hey."

Maybe I'm being cruel. Maybe they've seen some truly incredible sights.

They even spotted a peach tree growing in an allotment

and somewhere where you can buy horse manure.

Holy SHIT!

Did you hear that? A peach tree! A peach tree!

Horse manure(!)

Mind you, these old ladies might LOVE public transport

but they've got NOTHING on this guy.

Oh, right, look at that! A 1953 EA.

HORN BLARES Oh, my God! Whoo!

Listen to that horn!

HORN BLARES

Oh, my God! Oh, she's beautiful! She is beautiful. Yeah!

HORN BLARES

Oh, right! Oh, my. Oh, uh...

HORN BLARES

A 302 too!

Oh, oh, the SNC 52! Oh, my God! Oh, we're going to watch this.

Oh, this is special.

That... That is joy.

From trains to androids.

Have a look at the latest technology for pensioners.

-Aw.

-Don't, "Ah!" Poor robots!

-ROBOTIC:

-"Will I work at NASA?"

"No, you are going to watch Loose Women with me!"

"Oh...

"kill me."

Mind you, on the flip side,

let's see dickheads attack pensioners now.

"Give us your purse, old lady." "Robot, fuck 'im up."

They don't just protect. Look what else they do.

I would like to see a robot tell a joke. Wouldn't that be great?

"Knock knock." "Oh, all right. Who's there?"

"Nobody, you're lonely."

ROBOTIC CACKLE

Mind you, I know one old couple who won't need a robot for company.

Check out this heart-warmer.

-Aw.

-Exactly. It's lovely, isn't it?

Although did you see them interviewed?

Between you and me, I think he's more into her.

So, all those years ago, was it love at first sight for Jack

and Roma Emerton from Leyland?

When I looked into her eyes that was it.

No.

Not for me. So, why wasn't she sure?

-Why?

-He had ginger hair.

Vicious wench!

Don't cheer! Don't cheer!

He's expressing his undying love and she's like,

"Oh, he were a bloody Fanta pant.

"Oh, oh, oh, he were like a vole drowned in Tizer. It were...

"It were..."

LAUGHS

"..It were like a squirrel choking on Wotsit after Wotsit."

Mind you, if you think she's harsh - check out this lunatic!

Police say Audrey Dean Miller was arguing with her husband

and when he threatened to shoot their cat with a pellet gun, well,

she pulled out something a little bit bigger -

a 40 calibre semi-automatic handgun - and shot him in the stomach.

Oh, yes! She shot him. Apparently the cat couldn't believe it.

I want to know why shoot a cat?

If you're annoyed with the cat, you don't need a gun!

All you need is a paddling pool!

Grrr!

Big news in the world of politics this week was this.

Coming to a screen near you - Ed Miliband, the Movie.

Ed Miliband, the Movie! I've seen a sneak preview.

You've never seen action like this before!

Ed Miliband in...

Still, it's not the film I want to see.

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello. How are you doing?

-Very well.

-I'm Russell. Nice to meet you.

-I'm Rachel.

-Hello. Rachel?

-Yes.

-I'm Frankie.

-Hello, Frankie, nice to meet you.

Excellent. R-r-r-right! OK.

You don't appear to have bottoms on.

And sort of ballet dresses. Is that a bit of ballet going on?

-Maybe.

-Maybe.

-Something similar.

-Something similar to ballet?

-Yeah.

Er, and what's that? Is that cocaine? Can we see it?

-Are you the most hyperactive ballerinas in Europe?

-Yeah.

-Um...

-Maybe there's something in the other locker.

-What? This locker here?

-Yeah, maybe try that.

-Jesus, Warwick Davis!

We've got... What's this caper here?

Whenever I see stuff like that, I imagine... This is quite rude.

I imagine this is what happens when a clown ejaculates.

INDISTINCT COMMENT

Right. Can I have some other clues other than this?

-Yeah.

-There's a flag. Are you Olympic athletes?

-Yes, we are.

-Are you really? Fantastic. Excellent.

Well, one cheer.

CHEERING

Um... Um...

Um, you weren't the Swedish girls that got it on with Usain Bolt?

-Er, no, sorry.

-You looked genuinely disappointed.

-Fortunately not, no.

-You're gymnasts.

-Yes.

-Why have you been in the news specifically?

Um, because we were the first team

to get to the Olympics from Great Britain for rhythmic gymnastics.

Awesome. So there you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What? What? What? Yes, by all means.

But one quick question. I just found this in the locker.

-LAUGHTER

-Explain yourself, ladies.

-Is this for me?

-No.

-Why are they...? What are those?

-WOMAN:

-Put them over your jeans!

-Put them over my jeans?

-They're not ours.

-No? Why are they in there?

Well, they're there.

-Can I keep these for my friend Carl?

-Yes.

-Excellent.

He's a renowned pervert.

-You'll have these, won't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. There you go.

Look at the camera, say, "I'm a pervert" and you can have them.

I'm a pervert.

LAUGHTER

All right. Um, what smashing blouses, you look wonderful.

-Thank you.

-Um, this feels like the weirdest speed date ever.

Tell me about rhythmic gymnastics. What happens?

Basically most people know about the gymnastics with the flips

-and the tumbles.

-Yeah.

-We're more artistic.

We dance with music and we have to be expressive.

We're actually in a team and we throw the apparatus to each other.

What was the Olympic Village like? Were lots of shenanigans going on?

Apparently thousands of condoms are handed out. Is that right?

-That's correct.

-Yeah. Pretty much.

Every sport? I'm not sure chess is in the Olympics

but I can't imagine someone going, "I'll take a couple of these."

-Are we going to have a go? I'd quite like to have a go.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-First we'll see a clip of us in action.

-Awesome.

MUSIC: "Dancing Song" by Little Comets

# This one's for dancing. #

APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLING

Here we... Here we are.

Um... Um, I found this backstage, thought I'd wear it.

-At first you need to put the stick in the middle of your hand.

-Yup.

And then put your finger on the end.

We're going to do a thing called snakes. So you push it side to side.

-That's it. That's not bad.

-That's all right, isn't it?

-Try and go a little bit quicker.

-Quicker? Oh, look at your snakes!

Hang on, why is mine pink?

OK, you're quite good. We'll try something harder.

-We'll have a go with the ball.

-Sweet.

-Can you give me that?

-Yeah.

Nice.

OK, so to begin with we're going to put it on the back of our neck.

-OK.

-Lean forward slightly.

-Yup.

And roll it down the back and catch behind.

LAUGHTER

-Almost. Once more.

-Yup.

-And roll.

-Right, lovely.

-That's it. Right, you're good at that.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-So hold it in one hand.

-Yeah.

Throw it up and catch it in one hand.

Oh, that's easy.

-Now you're going to throw it, sit down, catch it in your knees.

-Lovely!

Oh, I've never wanted to be a ball more in my life! There we go.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-OK, so you've got the hang of that.

-Yes.

-So we're going to try it with music now.

-Lovely!

-So you're going to follow us.

-Yup.

-But if not, just freestyle.

GUFFAWS

-Lovely.

-So, um, girls?

-Girls?

APPLAUSE

So just stand there.

OK.

SEXY MUSIC PLAYS

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

I've got a problem. All right, what are we doing?

APPLAUSE

What have I got to do?

I can do that one.

-Yey!

-APPLAUSE

Wonderful!

That was fantastic! Well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guests!

CHEERING

Some bizarre crime stories in the news.

First up is a burglar on the loose.

Residents in these East Orlando apartment complexes

have their guard up around the clock these days.

For several weeks,

a man who resembles this composite sketch has invaded their apartments

through locked and unlocked doors or windows seeming to want one thing.

(Shit! What does he want?)

Good conversation.

"Hello!"

He's breaking into their house for a chat. What? Yeah, exactly.

He's the loneliest criminal in the world.

-"Hello."

-MIMICS GUN COCKING

"Would you like to play Scrabble with me?"

It must've been great when he was arrested.

"You have the right to remain silent." "Oh..."

There may be some of you who think,

"Russell, he still sounds terrifying." He is NOT!

Listen to what happened when he broke into one woman's house.

She simply told him to leave and he left.

"Fuck off!" "OK.

"Bye."

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw.

"All I wanted was a chat but...

"I suppose I'll just go home.

"# All by myself

"# Don't want to be... #"

I feel a bit sorry for him. I mean, let's be honest,

there are definitely worse people to break into your house.

Have a look at what this guy's been up to.

Officers say that he would break into homes in his neighbourhood,

watch porn and then leave.

Now, THAT is a danger wank.

He went in and stole nothing. He just watched porn on their laptops.

He's like some kind of pervert Goldilocks.

This porn was too soft.

CHUCKLES

This porn was too hard but THIS porn was JUST RIGHT!

It's such a weird hobby, watching porn on other people's computers.

I bet there were some brilliant arguments before they caught him.

Someone went, "Good day at work, Geoff?" "Yeah."

"Oh, yeah, really? According to our internet history,

"somebody has been watching Muggle Juggle 4 Backdoor Dumbledore!"

Apparently it wasn't just porn. According to the police,

he would also swing his penis around in front of the poor family's pets.

Finally tonight, a story about a little girl called Rachel Beckwith

and how even the worst possible tragedy

can bring about something positive.

SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC

# Rachel's voice

# Like the river's voice

# For a mother's love... #

It's six in the morning

and we're about to go see some of Rachel's wells.

LOCAL PEOPLE SINGING

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

I am Richard. I am Rachel's grandfather.

I really wish Rachel could be here today.

Because first of all, Rachel would think that this is probably

the neatest thing she'd ever seen in her entire life.

APPLAUSE

-Pretty lovely, eh? Thanks.

-APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.

Farewell.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd