Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING

Hello.

So...

Hello, and welcome to Good News. So what's been happening?

Well, Eamonn Holmes told us what he thought of pensioners.

I don't mind them as long as they don't poo.

LAUGHTER

Did anyone else see that reporter have an argument with himself?

You're a douchebag. No, you are.

No, your mother is. Don't talk about Mummy that way.

Now, is it me,

or do the Ipswich town have a really complicated car share system?

He'll pick me up, I'll pick him up,

someone else will pick me up, I'll pick them up.

The players pick you up, we've got to pick the player up. That's how it is.

Just get a bus!

And finally, the BBC asked this bloke

what the best programme on telly was.

I think it's good news.

-There we go.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The big political news in Britain was all about one man.

Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Fresh from his summer

of Olympic, Paralympic and mayoral election success,

Boris arrived to a circus of cameras and reporters

normally reserved for rock stars.

He was surrounded by a Boris-mania media circus.

The last time I saw anyone get this sort of reception

was when Muhammad Ali arrived. "Boris, Boris, we love you, Boris!"

Crazy!

LAUGHTER

The country has gone Boris "crazy"!

Did you see his conference speeches?

He was amazing. Now, most MPs talk about policies. Not Boris.

He talked about what he wants in his lunchbox.

Every single chocolate HobNob in the world!

Then he did an impression of a really happy Rasta.

-He looked and he said...

-DEEP VOICE:

-"Very nice!"

But that is nothing on his plans for next summer.

One thing that we have considered extensively

is a politician's Olympics,

where you'd have Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end?!"

Very nice!

Ha-ha! Now... I'll tell you who hasn't had

a "very nice, very nice" week - this fella.

The big news this morning is that the Prime Minister is now a tweeter.

David Cameron is now on Twitter. Here's his first tweet.

Here's the first response.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Staying in politics, did you see the US presidential debate?

President Obama lost his first debate

with Republican Mitt Romney last night.

Romney controlled the conversation,

and, say many observers, the President let it happen,

often looking like he didn't even want to be there.

You're telling me! Did you see how many times he mumbled?

Um... Er...

Er... Uh...

Er... Er...

Er... Um...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

It's so weird watching Obama struggle. We're just not used to it.

It's like seeing Lady Gaga just wearing a cardigan.

"Dress-down Tuesday."

What makes it weirder, it's normally Romney who cocks up.

This is a man who during the worst economic slump in years

says stuff like this.

I'm not concerned about the very poor.

I like being able to fire people.

When I was a boy, I used to think

that becoming rich and becoming famous would make me happy.

Boy, was I right!

Boy, are you a dick!

Luckily for Obama, one political heavyweight got right behind him.

It's your boy, big Snoop D-O-G-G.

King of the West Coast and you do know that, you bitch, you.

Ha-ha!

Snoop Dogg tweeted a list of reasons

why people shouldn't vote for Romney, and they are brilliant.

Reason number one.

Number two.

And my personal favourite.

Obama and Romney are making all the headlines,

but it's worth pointing out, there are other candidates.

This guy is without doubt my favourite. Why?

Because he's written a song.

Mr Supreme, your 30-second closing statement, please.

MUSIC: "The Birdie Song"

# My name is Vermin

# My name is Vermin Vermin Supreme

# My name is Vermin My name is Vermin

# My name is Vermin Vermin Vermin Supreme.

# And you can vote And you can vote

# And you can vote for me for president if you want to... #

LAUGHTER

And, er... OK, thanks very much.

He is incredible!

CHEERING

Obama and Romney are going to fix the economy,

but will they promise this?

That's right. He's going to travel back in time, kill Hitler,

and he's going to do it with a welly on his head!

And in case that isn't enough, he's got more.

# I've got small ponies I've got small ponies

# And they've got tiny little hooves if you like them... #

People are saying he hasn't got a chance. Nonsense.

I know one guy who's already a huge fan.

Elsewhere this week, bad news for this fella.

After a legal battle lasting years and costing millions of pounds,

Britain's most notorious terrorist suspect, Abu Hamza,

has lost his last-ditch attempt

to avoid extradition to the United States.

Or as the Sun put it...

It wasn't just the Sun.

People have been taking the piss out of him for years.

LAUGHTER

I bet when he was flown to America, even the pilot had a pop.

"We are five minutes away from landing

" # If you're happy and you know it clap your... # Ahhhh!"

Even the animal world slammed him.

Elsewhere this week, an old lady rang a medical hotline,

and she got more than she bargained for.

Maureen Persi dialled a New Jersey state hotline

for the elderly, but it got a little too hot.

Why?

What happened?

She got some frisky offers for phone sex.

Right. Basically, the medical hotline changed its number,

they didn't tell anyone,

and the old number was taken by a phone sex company.

Poor old woman. "Hello, I'm having a stroke."

"Well, baby, you come to the right place."

She must've been so confused! "What's that, love?

"That's right, I AM 69!"

"You want to do what to my cat?"

I shouldn't take the mickey. She was not happy.

It was just so inappropriate and it was not what I was expecting.

"It was not what I was expecting."

Mind you, I know one bloke who called the number

and he had a great time.

Very nice!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

To be honest, I don't know what the old lady's moaning about.

If she thinks she's had a tough week, she should look at this.

Firefighters were called out to rescue a man

whose head was stuck in a public litter bin in Aberdeen.

He was stuck in a bin for three hours!

Three hours! So did the locals try and help him? Oh, no.

They took photos of him! "Oh, look! Someone's thrown away a grandad!"

"Let me out!"

That's the problem with the world today.

You make one mistake, the whole world knows about it.

A few years ago, if you had an accident on a trampoline,

it was between you and your mates. Not any more.

OK, do it.

CAMERAMAN LAUGHS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Unbelievable!

Mind you, a man stuck in a bin has got nothing on this.

It was a pretty morning on Buckhorn Lake, but there was trouble.

A squirrel was on the ice

and something was on his head, like this six-ounce yoghurt cup.

Over his head!

This actually made the news. Forget the presidential debate,

a squirrel has got a yoghurt pot on his head. I love this story.

Look how long the locals watched it for.

People first noticed the stuck squirrel at 8.30am

and watched him for 7½ hours.

How dull must their lives be?

"Have you seen this?

"This is the best day of my life."

"This is better than the time I seen a meerkat in some Wotsits."

The story gets madder. Look what they did next.

Neighbours feared the worst.

I called animal control, the police and everything.

They called the police!

"A woman's getting mugged."

"Sod that. We've got a squirrel eating a Muller Light. Go, go, go!"

So how did they end the report?

Do they show the squirrel safe and well eating a nut in a tree? No!

They get weirdly philosophical.

A busy day on Buckhorn Lake, and it also answers

the age-old burning question.

Is there a God? What happens when we die?

Do squirrels really like yoghurt?

-LAUGHTER

-Genius!

Mind you, that squirrel should thank his lucky stars.

There are worse things that could happen to your face.

Be careful, Ben!

Over in China, there's been an amazing discovery.

A TV crew was called to the village of Liucunbu

after workers drilling a wall shaft

found what they believed was a rare fungus.

-So...

-LAUGHTER

Was it a brand-new fungus?

Oh, hell, no!

It turns out the mushroom was actually a sex toy.

They found a plastic fanny hammer.

Everybody got time for that!

Yeah!

CHEERING

Remind me to never go to China and order the mushroom risotto.

Imagine the moment they found out.

"Behold, the rarest fungus known to...

"Oh, no, it's a dildo."

Mind you, that story has got nothing on the latest sex craze in America.

Get ready for this. This is a headline you don't see every day.

Wholesome dildos! What are they, I hear you cry?

I'll let this guy explain.

I can't believe this Christian sex shop is selling sex toys

and one of the sex toys is a Baby Jesus butt plug!

A WHAT?

A Baby Jesus butt plug!

Very nice!

That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase

"I've been touched by the Lord."

It's going to change the Nativity.

We bring gold, frankincense, and brrrrrrrr!

I hope it doesn't catch on with other religions. Jesus, quite thin.

Imagine trying to get this guy up your arse!

HE RUSSELL SCREAMS

It burns!

Mind you, if you think a religious dildo is weird,

take a look at this story from Peru.

There is a local mayor in Peru.

I believe the town is called Huarmey,

his name is Jose Benitez,

and he has decided that the water in his town

is making the town gay.

The water is making people gay?

We shouldn't laugh. He's right.

I've been there, and the water is powerful stuff.

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER

Now, this IS good news!

CHEERING

I was so bendy that day!

Now the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest from the news.

I have to figure out who that person is.

So please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello.

Look at this! This is lovely. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.

-Hello, Russell.

-How are you? This is wonderful.

-Can I sit down? Is that OK?

-Please do.

-Nice. What's your name?

-Jacquie.

-Jacquie.

I could get used to this, Jacquie. There's a lovely smell of leather.

-That's not you, is it?

-No.

It smells lovely, though. Any clues?

-Let me see. I travel first class all over the world.

-Sweet.

-I stay in five and six-star hotels.

-Six star?

-I didn't know there were six stars.

-There's seven stars now.

-Is there really?

-Yes.

-What's the difference?

-Um...

How much they grovel, I think.

-The more grovelling, the higher the star now.

-Really?

-What is grovelling?

-Well, you know, you get value for money, don't you?

-"Please, can I wash your feet?"

-You can, while you're down there!

While I'm down there?!

-CHEERING

-What else am I doing?

OK, so you stay in fantastic hotels. It has to do with expensive cars.

Something to do with Formula One?

No...although I have been to it many times.

I've been to most of the major events in the world.

-What, of everything?

-Yes, sporting events, festivals, the Oscars.

OK. Are you a dealer?

LAUGHTER

Erm...no!

-More clues?

-Erm...yep.

I'm one of very, very few females in the world that do what I do.

Catch?

LAUGHTER

Oh, oh...

-You're going to regret that in a minute!

-Yeah, I probably am!

It's mostly men do what I do

-and I wear a vest to work quite a lot.

-Awesome!

-Kevlar vest.

-OK, got you. So are you a bodyguard?

-Yes.

-Are you really?!

-Yes.

-Awesome stuff!

-CHEERING

-Nice to meet you. Excellent.

So, um, why exactly are you in the news?

-Cos I'm the world's top female bodyguard.

-How did you get that?

-I have been doing it, I think, for the longest - over 30 years.

-Sweet.

-What do you make of that film?

-Which one?

-# And I...will always... #

-I've got to be fair.

We don't recommend that you shag the client.

That's not, you know, the ultimate aim.

-But many celebrities do marry their bodyguards.

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

-What celebrities have you looked after?

-Um, JK Rowling...

-Awesome!

-..Diana Ross...

CHEERING

-Who?

-Diana Ross.

-Oh, right. I thought you said Dyno-Rod.

The bloke that does plumbing. Someone's ordered a hit on him!

-Diana Ross.

-Yep.

-What's been the worst day on your job?

-Do you have any kind of shockers?

-Um, the worst day, I suppose,

-was being shot at in Pakistan trying to get a girl out.

-That'll do it.

-Yeah. That was a bit, you know... That wasn't much fun.

-Why was that?

She'd been kidnapped, actually, and taken over there,

so we'd gone to rescue her and bring her back.

-How many times have you been shot?

-I've never actually been shot.

I've been shot AT several times, but I've never actually been shot.

So you're like a really hard, better version of 50 Cent?

I'm excited about what I'll do in the bodyguard world.

Are we going to have some "Pow-pow"?

-I'll give you a crash course in how to be a bodyguard.

-Let's do this.

CHEERING

So here we are in the car.

Not quite Kevin Costner, love, but you are getting there. Right, um...

What we are going to do is,

I'm going to pretend to be looking after you.

I'm going to get you out of the car

and show you how to look after your principal, how to...

By "principal", you don't mean my dick?

-You mean a person?

-A person.

-Right.

-So am I looking after you?

-No, I'll get out, you stay in the car.

-You only get out once I tell you it's safe.

-Awesome.

-So, sit back, relax, chill.

-Yep.

So I get out of the vehicle, I have a look around

to see whether there is any perceived threat.

I can't see any at the moment, so, therefore,

-I beckon to my principle to get out.

-Hey, hello.

CHEERING

Oh! Cheers for that in the car. You went above and beyond your duty.

Should there be a threat, we do a thing called body, cover and remove.

Basically, I bend you over.

I put my body across yours,

so I take the bullet.

I'll put you back in the vehicle. Lay across.

No, no, lay across.

I'll throw myself on top of you!

CHEERING

And then I'll shoot the bad guy.

# And I...will always... #

But that didn't happen, so that's fine.

-So, no baddies?

-So that's what happens if there's a baddie.

-Good.

-I get molested? OK!

-But as there isn't a baddie at the moment,

I'll walk in front of you all the time,

-cos it's my job to take the bullet, OK?

-Yep.

-One of the main things

with celebrities is the paparazzi.

They are one of the biggest pests

and threats that we have towards celebrities.

I'm not being funny, but I think he might be a paparazzi!

So what you're going to do is, "Move back! You move back out of my face!"

CHEERING

Some of the things we have as well, you have the lone gunman,

you have the nutter, the guy that wants to come at you, wants to...

Hey...!

So what you do, you grab this end of the gun.

Grab this end of the gun, chin him...

WHACK!

Important bit.

-..knee him in the Golden Triangle.

-Yeah, yeah.

-No.

-Straight in!

And he's down.

-So you fancy being a bodyguard?

-I'd love to, yeah.

-OK, so I've some celebrities for you.

-Sweet. Who's the celebs?

-Well, we've got Justin Bieber...

-Yeah.

-..Angelina Jolie...

-OK.

..and we've got Lord Sugar. Who do you fancy keeping alive?

I like the idea of keeping Angelina Jolie alive.

CHEERING

Alan? I've always wanted to do this.

-You're fired.

-LAUGHTER

Now, if you think there might be a threat,

you've got to body, cover and remove. Bend her over.

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

No, otherwise I'll just, you know... Um, I'm in front of you.

-Sorry, Ange, can't allow that.

-Deal with the paparazzi.

Oi, fuck off!!

-Don't touch him! Don't touch him!

-I'll go toe-to-toe, yeah?!

Don't touch him. Good. Excellent.

Watch out, Ange, between you and me,

there might be a lone nutter about to burst through the door.

I am no expert... Oh, my God, there is!

Argh! Argh! Drop it!

Son of a b!

CHEERING

Son of a bitch!

Kick the gun away.

Take your gun away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So do you think I've got what it takes to be a bodyguard?

To be a government-licensed bodyguard, you need

-another 150 hours of training.

-I've done five minutes.

You're almost there, but sadly...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..sadly, not quite enough to be on my team.

It would appear so. Give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you heard the news about the new Bond film?

It's the classic line we've come to expect in every James Bond film -

the one that helped define 007's image as a suave secret agent.

A Martini - shaken not stirred.

Now, Bond is putting down his Martini glass and grabbing a beer.

Bond's getting beered up!

That's really going to change the films.

-SLURRING:

-"The name's Bond, James Bond.

"And I fucking love you."

It will be awful.

What if he's one of those guys who spills his soul when he gets drunk?

Just in the corner.

"You don't know me. I've done some terrible stuff, right?

"Don't laugh at me!

"I killed a dwarf.

"I put him in a suitcase.

"I put him in a river."

"I can't watch Willow any more."

It's madness! You can't have Bond getting shitfaced.

Think of all the stunts in the film.

Beer doesn't exactly help with your agility.

RUSSELL MIMICS JAMES BOND THEME

Oh, dear.

From Bond, to the dullest magician in the world.

David Blaine has begun his latest stunt, standing still.

But this time, he's got a million volts

shooting through him.

He got electrocuted for three days.

The only bolt I want to see hit him is this guy.

Did you watch the coverage?

As ever, the Americans lost it over it.

This is beyond impressive. It's really amazing,

because it is, sort of, that Harry Houdini, sort of...vibe.

"He's amazing!" My mate Mike? Not so fussed.

David Blaine? David Blaine?!

Fucking shite!

LAUGHTER

It's true.

We just don't like the guy.

Remember when he was in a glass box, hanging over the Thames?

He didn't eat for 44 days. Did people watch him in awe?

No, they did this.

We don't want to see him electrocuted,

we want to see him Tasered. Wouldn't that be great?

There's nothing funnier than watching someone get Tasered.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

-HE IMITATES SCREAM

-It's the noise!

It's the noise! If anything, it's even better in slow motion.

SIRENLIKE SCREAM

Next up... Oh, this is beautiful.

Two thieves who thought they'd got away with a furniture haul

got an unpleasant surprise when their booty disappeared out of their van.

Yes, they did. They thought they'd nick two sofas. Look what happened.

The hapless pair, who pilfered two sofas, left the doors wide open,

allowing store managers to lift them back out before they sped off.

See ya.

To end the show, an amazing story about a truly inspiring man.

The first half of the climb, there were lots of times I was like,

"I don't know if I'm going to make this.

"I don't know if we'll finish it."

'Spencer West finished on top, in June.

'At nearly 20,000 feet, the Kilimanjaro volcano in Tanzania

'is the world's tallest stand-alone mountain.

'West is as full of adventure as any man we've ever met,

'but take a step back and you see that the climber has no legs.'

'My family and I were told by the doctors that'

I would never sit up by myself, that I would never walk by myself,

and that I probably wouldn't be a functioning member of society.

-They didn't know what the possibilities could be?

-Exactly.

-Exactly.

-'A genetic defect at birth made his legs useless.

'The doctors amputated at the hip,

'but that didn't break his spirit, nor his stride.

'It was seven days to the summit.

'Part way he was carried,

'but mostly he used a wheelchair and walked on his hands.'

Along the path to Kilimanjaro, there are these little statues

and they call them cairns.

And we learned that cairns are a symbol for when you are lost.

If you see a cairn, they signify where the trail is again.

That is when I thought, "Maybe I can say I'm a cairn.

"Maybe I'm a symbol for other people when they feel lost or they feel

"a challenge is too big, I can be that cairn to be like,"

" 'It's OK. If I can overcome this,

" 'here's the path, and you can overcome it, too.' "

What a legend.

CHEERING

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

-DEEP VOICE:

-Very nice!