Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

This programme contains adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello and welcome to Good News.

So what's been happening?

Well, David Sillito reveals what he takes in the bedroom.

A large wooden spoon, a pot of marmalade...

and nothing else.

Mmm!

Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty certain these two are on drugs.

Money couldn't buy what we had last night.

Over in Australia, they interviewed the world's smoothest pensioner.

John Lewis, thank you for making time to speak to us tonight.

-Did you enjoy it?

-I did enjoy it, did you?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Yeah, I loved every minute.

Here's a tip, if you're going to fart, don't cover it up by coughing.

Conference... HE COUGHS AND FARTS

Finally, this has to be THE most awkward exit ever.

Thank you so much for coming in this morning

to enlighten us on Rupert Murdoch.

Thanks very much.

Still to come, who's been sleeping out in the cold

to draw attention to homelessness in New Zealand?

And we'll bring you more on the Kim Dotcom saga as his lawyer

tells Firstline the New Zealand authorities have been overreacting.

But now it's time to look at the sports stories

making the news this morning. Here's Sam.

APPLAUSE

So what's been going on? Well, we had one giant leap for mankind.

The Austrian skydiver, Felix Baumgartner,

has reached supersonic speed

by jumping from a balloon 24 miles above the earth.

After a short speech and a salute,

Felix Baumgartner makes one terrifying leap into the void below.

It was absolutely incredible.

And, even better, I managed to get a mic inside his helmet.

OK, mission control. I am initialising launch sequence.

SHI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-T!

You know that's what he was doing.

"AAAARRRRRGH!"

It was incredible.

The whole world watched.

Even his pets were inspired.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you see how fast he was going?

He's falling faster than the speed of sound, 840mph.

No-one knows what effect that'll have on the human body.

I'm pretty sure it makes you look like this.

Did you see what he said before he jumped?

-REPORTER:

-What was it that you said?

I said, "I know the whole world is watching now

"and I wish the world could see what I see.

"And sometimes you have to go up really high

"to understand how small you are."

Profound. Moving.

Not everyone is quite so philosophical when they leap.

One, two, let's go!

HE SCREAMS

From a hero to a zero.

It's been a bad week for Lance Armstrong.

Startling evidence is emerging of how cycling legend Lance Armstrong

orchestrated what's being called

the most sophisticated doping programme in sport.

He was the greatest cyclist in history.

Now he's just a drugs cheat.

If only there was a parallel story of someone who used to be loved

but it turned out they were a complete arsehole.

Apparently loads of fellow cyclists testified against him.

Or, as the New York Times put it...

Jesus!

No wonder he took drugs!

I'd want some painkillers after being fisted by 11 men.

Not that I'm condoning his behaviour.

Drugs and cycling is not a good mix. Just ask this kid.

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God!

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

In political news, have a look at this.

You can get married, join the armed forces, even have to pay taxes,

all at the age of 16, but should you be allowed to vote?

Should 16-year-olds get the vote?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Really?

Do you honestly want to give this guy the vote?

Some of them can't even handle exams.

What was the answer he gave?

APPLAUSE

Maybe at 16 girls are mature enough.

But boys are definitely not -

16-year-old boys are horn dogs.

Just walking around like that constantly.

Give them the vote, political adverts would end up like this...

Now, a party political broadcast by the Conservative Party.

Hi boys, vote Tory and I'll show you these.

I know one guy who would love that.

Very nice.

APPLAUSE

To be honest, you can't even trust some adults with the vote.

Look... Get ready for this, this is insane.

Look who a town in America elected as their mayor.

Stubbs the cat has been re-elected as the mayor of a town in Alaska.

They elected a cat as mayor!

A cat!

The locals couldn't believe it!

SQUEAKS

What I want to know -

how shit a politician do you have to be to be beaten by a cat?

I mean, whose policies are so bad

they'd be beaten by a creature that licks its own arse?

APPLAUSE

Meow!

I love the reason why the cat won.

Listen to his unique selling point.

When asked why the cat had been voted for, one resident said,

"He's not judgmental at all. He loves everybody."

"He's not judgemental"? He's a cat!

They're not going, "Oh, oh!

"Look at the state of him.

"I believe they call them chavs.

"Look at her, four kids, three different dads.

"What I want to know - who shagged her twice? Hm?"

HE SNIGGERS

"I'm SO judgemental."

He's a cat!

Is he taking his job as mayor seriously?

Is he building a new school, cracking down on crime? Not really.

APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, did you hear about this kid in Wales?

A toddler celebrating his second birthday was rushed to hospital

after accidentally drinking half a glass of whisky.

Half a glass of whisky! Imagine him in the sand pit -

-WELSH ACCENT:

-"All right, boys?

"What's occurrin'?"

Incredibly, he's totally fine. I'd have been on my arse.

That kid's a legend.

Imagine him at an AA meeting.

"My name's Tommy, I'm an alcoholic.

"I'm also an aeroplane."

Not that you could tell if he was pissed.

"Oh, my God, he can't walk, he's mumbling!"

"Don't worry, I'm two."

"I shit myself as well. Wahaay!"

Some people say, "Booze and children is simply not funny."

Come on.

Check out this photo.

It is a little bit funny. Have a look at it again.

I love this, because he looks like he's going,

"So I says to her, no, I've got YOUR nose."

Bizarrely, a kid drinking whisky

isn't the strangest food story in the news.

He went to jail!

Imagine that - "What are you in for?"

"GBH. You?" "BLT."

Apparently the sandwich couldn't believe it.

It is ridiculous.

It's just a bit of bread. It's hardly scary.

What next, kids on street corners,

"Give me your wallet or I'll slap you with a ciabatta.

"You bag-GET me?"

Sorry, sorry.

APPLAUSE

It was a silly joke. It was silly...

It is worth laughing at. Let's be honest,

there are worse ways to attack someone in the kitchen.

Be careful, Ben!

Oh!

Mind you, if you think hitting someone with a sandwich is stupid,

look at the latest pen Bic have come up with.

Now, Bic must have thought that women have a hard time writing.

Because they've launched a line of pens specifically for women.

Yeah, they've invented a pen just for ladies.

What. are there girls going, "I'll not use it unless it's pink."

It's ridiculous. All they've done is change the colour.

They've essentially given a Biro a vajazzle. That's what they've done.

It's so sexist, isn't it?

I mean, what's this advert going to look like? This?

Hey, you!

Yes, you.

Do you struggle with manly pens?

Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

Because we've invented you a brand-new lady pen!

With new lady pen, I've got time to draw kittens

and I still have time to make my husband's dinner.

Thank you, darling.

Now if only someone would invent a car that parks itself for me.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm such a stupid bitch.

APPLAUSE

I tell you what, I feel sorry for medics in Wales.

Pressure on the Ambulance Service

and emergency departments across the Welsh NHS

has been bigger than expected this summer.

One woman called an ambulance,

complaining she had a hand wound and was bleeding badly.

HE GASPS

So had she cut it on a chain saw?

Had she slashed it with a knife?

She'd been bitten on the finger by her hamster.

"He's so vicious!"

If your hamster bites you, you don't call 999.

Just pretend to shoot him.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

APPLAUSE

Mind you, the people of Wales have got nothing on a guy from Florida.

Listen to why he called the police.

He called 911 because he could not bring his kitten into a strip club.

What?

He tried to take a cat to a strip club.

Apparently the cat was livid,

"What the hell do you mean I can't come in?!

"I'm the MAYOR of this town!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievably, when the bloke's cat did get in, he was so randy,

staff had to take him down, hamster style.

From pole dancing to an evil new disease.

A disease that causes uncontrollable crying and screaming

is more infectious than measles

and is especially prevalent among children.

Shit, sounds serious. What could it be?

Scientists have revealed there is such a thing as Bieber Fever.

AUDIENCE JEERS

Yeah, you hear his music and you want to vomit.

Have you seen what it does?

Kids shouldn't be afraid of Bieber. They should be afraid of this guy.

"Oh, Justin Bieber makes me cry."

HE'LL fuck your mum!

He'll do your nan on a Stannah chairlift!

He's a machine!

APPLAUSE

What else? Well, it's been a tough week for kids.

Over in Australia, check out these killjoys.

A primary school's been criticised

for banning handstands, somersaults and cartwheels.

They've banned handstands!

You can't ban handstands. It's like banning fun.

Do you reckon you'll get all the rebellious kids,

"I don't give a shit.

"Other day, the teacher weren't looking...

"I done a roly-poly."

Do you reckon they'll get underground clubs?

"First rule of Handstand Club,

"you do not speak about Handstand Club.

"The second rule - no-one wee on the floor.

"Third rule - and this is the most severe of all the rules at the club -

"do not tell Jimmy Savile about this club!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

To be honest, they can ban handstands all they like.

When you think about it, most accidents happen at home anyway.

AUDIENCE GROANS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Check out the latest way couples in long-distance relationships

can stay close.

Kissenger, short for Kiss Messenger,

is a device that lets couples in love connect through cyberspace.

Made from a special silicone,

Kissenger's lips are connected to sensors.

The sensors detect a kiss's pressure points

and transmit them to a receiving Kissenger.

Basically, you kiss it, they receive the kiss.

The trouble is, you can't actually see each other,

sow you never know who's going to be on the other end.

I love you so much, why do we have to be apart?!

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

Grandad, have you seen my... KISSENGER?!

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

HE MOUTHS

Don't you worry - I got him back!

Hamster style!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, this is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my Mystery Guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you, Russell.

Thank you for coming on my show. Can I sit down there? Is that OK?

-Sit down all you like.

-Lovely stuff.

-This is nice and comfy, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-OK, so it has something to do with animals, clearly.

-Yes.

Um...

Oh, I'm intrigued by that.

Do you try and freak people out by burying dead animals?

In cars?

-Not often, no.

-That would be good. That would freak...

They could come back up again!

I'm thinking you'd freak someone out on Time Team -

"Oh, my God, hamsters used to drive."

There's also... Is that a gerbil trying to suck himself off?

-That's a hamster you killed to put in there.

-That's a hamster?

What's he doing to himself? He looks...

-Unbalanced.

-He's unbalanced?

-Mm.

-You're telling me!

-Yeah!

Give me a clue.

Kind of like counselling.

Are you a...therapist for dogs?

Yes, in a way, but...

Do you talk to the spirits of dead animals?

-Bingo!

-Really?!

-Is that really what you do?

-Yes!

-Wow.

-And, actually, my main job is talking to animals that are living.

All animals can communicate and chat.

-Your main job is talking to animals?

-Yeah.

-So why are you in the news?

Because, basically, I'm one of the UK's leading animal psychics,

and I talk to celebrities' pets.

-"One of the leading"? Are you the only?

-No.

Prove it!

So I'm a dog.

-Good impression.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

What am I thinking? What am I thinking?

"I look really stupid."

I don't look stupid. I'm thinking, "I'm going shag your leg, woman!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not to shit on your profession,

but dogs are quite simplistic -

"Can I eat it? Can I fuck it?"

But it's not just dogs, it's...

Cats, "Can I eat it? Can I fuck it?"

-Hamsters, "Can I eat it?"

-Ask the elephant.

-No, hamsters drive.

-Yes.

We've established that.

OK. So, all right, which animals do you get on with best?

Horses. I do a lot of work with horses, cos lots of horses have problems.

-Dogs.

-Just back up there!

What problems do they have?

Oh, Lord!

Have you ever had a horse that doesn't want to be a horse?

"I want to be a badger!"

So, are you going to teach me to be a psychic?

-I am.

-Yes!

I actually think that you have got a touch of psychic about you. Lots of people are psychic,

they don't know. In my job, I often teach people and they are like,

"I didn't realise I could do that."

I'd like to ask, if you show your T-shirt.

-Why did you choose that?

-Because a lady gave it to me.

Not because you had an inkling of the evening?

-I didn't have an inkling. This is Hound of the Baskervilles.

-Hound.

-It does have the word "hound" in it, correct.

-And a picture of something.

I've also got a pair of pants on and across the pants are

"Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad."

And here you are.

LAUGHTER

-That was cruel.

-Yes.

-I apologise.

So, do you reckon you can do this?

-What, talk to dogs?

-Yep, animals, full stop.

Absolutely. Bring them out, I will talk to Chihuahuas, unicorns - the lot.

-Anything!

-Bring forward your animals and I shall communicate with them.

-We shall. And as if by magic...

-So, here we are.

-Here we are.

So, what we are going to do is ask the first animal to come on

and you are going to tell them, "I am Russell. I can communicate with you"

-and you're going to get information.

-Good.

-OK? So, and the first animal,

please can you come on?

AUDIENCE: Awww!

-Hi, how are you?

-Not bad, how are you?

-Very well, indeed.

-Good, good.

-This is Molly.

-I knew that already.

LAUGHTER

Right, Molly. Molly? Molly.

She seems scared.

-She's seen your face.

-She's saying, "I wish I'd been born a sheep."

LAUGHTER

She doesn't want to talk. She's using mind-blocking powers!

Right, what I need you to do. We need to work out what she is like.

I want you to ask this dog to give us three words to describe herself.

See how you do. Say, "Give me three words to describe yourself."

Look at her face. Beautiful face.

Molly, can you give me three words? Loving. Nervous.

And...

LAUGHTER

..kind.

Aww. That's really sweet.

-Well, out of those three words, What fits off that?

-Sex pest.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

RUSSELL CACKLES

She's not a sex pest. She's clearly, I think, a fussy eater.

No, I've got it wrong. She's not a fussy eater, what am I talking about?! She's high maintenance,

that's what she is.

-There you go.

-Nice to meet you, Molly, you lovely thing.

The words I got from her were, "Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful."

She's got a stutter?

-Thank you so much for coming on.

-Lovely dog. Nice to meet you.

APPLAUSE

-Next one.

-Bring out the beast!

-Oh, no way.

-It's so cute.

-No.

It's like a '70s muff.

I don't like 'em.

I just don't like the guys. I'm sorry, mate.

-It's OK.

-"Mate"! It can understand what you say.

-I'm sorry.

-Good, she understood that.

What's your name and what's your animal?

-I'm Becky.

-Hi, you seem lovely, except for this beast.

This is Albie, the Guinea pig.

Oh, dear.

They creep me out.

They are, like...

He'd be in your trousers, that swine, look at him. Sex pest.

LAUGHTER

-She's just said to me, "My hair is neater than yours."

-That is true.

Absolutely. She's clearly a bully. She's come on here

and had a go at my hair.

Yes! You are so spot on!

-Nearly.

-I'm glad I said all those horrible things about you.

-Give her a rosette.

-Not giving anything to the bitch! She had a go at my hair!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She is a bully, but... I'm sorry.

See you later! Bye!

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for coming on.

-Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

-Thank you.

If you're going on holiday soon, you need to look away now.

'In a recent survey, nearly half of UK pilots

'admitted falling asleep by mistake.'

Holy shit!

LABOURED BREATHING

Thank God for the co-pilots.

'And a third of them woke up to find the co-pilot asleep, as well.'

SON OF A BITCH!

I bet anyone who has booked a flight this week is shitting it!

It's ridiculous! We can't take fluids on board,

they're having a fucking nap!

Mind you, there is a great prank to be played. Know what I'd do?

If I was a pilot and the bloke next to me fell asleep,

do you know what I would do? "We're going to crash!"

"Oh! Oh! Oh! I wish you wouldn't do that."

Either that or I would dress up like this bloke!

LAUGHTER

Mind you, there are worse ways to wake up.

KLAXON SHRIEKS

Not that it's the strangest travel news. Have a look at this.

Viagra cures jet lag?

DEEP-PITCHED: Very nice!

Imagine the passengers arriving in the airport.

"Grandad's here." "Does he look tired from the flight?"

"Not really. He looks really happy.

"Nan looks knackered."

You can't have Viagra on planes! What about the flight attendants?

"Good journey?"

"Not really. A lot of turbulence, actually.

"I fell over on a cock."

My one favourite part of this story

is the insane way they tested the Viagra.

That's correct. They pumped Viagra into a mouse and took it on a plane.

Imagine him checking in. "Anything to declare?"

"Yeah!"

"This bad boy. Look at it!"

"Please tell me you've got Stuart Little on DVD."

It's madness. Giving mice Viagra won't cure jet lag,

it will just leave them horny and confused.

Talking of sex and tourism,

have you seen what a hotel in Cumbria has done?

Well, that is going to surprise someone in the night.

"Just have a quick read of this lovely book. That would be nice.

"Ooh! Jesus Christ!

"No wonder Moses had a burning bush."

Did you see the owner of the hotel on the news?

Could he possibly sound like a bigger pervert?

I've got a feeling that the male guests will get the benefit

after the ladies have finished reading it.

AUDIENCE RECOIL

He's horrible, isn't he?

"The male guests are going to really enjoy it."

Haaaah!

But what I want to know...

who wants a second-hand copy of 50 Shades of Grey?

Imagine that. That book would have had more middle-aged fingers on it

than this guy's dick.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, there are worse things to find in your hotel drawer!

A baby Jesus butt plug!

Finally, a story about a man with a brilliant invention.

There you go. What a genius.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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