Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Over on BBC breakfast, Charlie Stayt revealed his favourite chat-up line.

What does sausage taste like?

But that's nothing. Look at Jeremy Paxman's ultimate ambition.

To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

This guy couldn't believe it.

GOAT SCREAMS

On Russia Today, they found Mario, and he's gone bad!

MAN LAUGHS EVILLY

Over in Australia, these two shared the craziest drinking story ever.

Actually, I got hopelessly drunk on Friday afternoon and...

HE SNIGGERS

-..management were there, you know, God.

-And I witnessed it.

And I was drunk, and I picked up a piece of food on my fork

and stuck it into my cheek.

It was the funniest thing!

MUMBLES HYSTERICALLY

I've never seen people that happy in my life.

Well, maybe I have. This guy REALLY likes tropical storms.

Now, this is a tropical storm.

You say, "Dan, why are you showing me this?" Because John's...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on?

Did you hear about this -

the government are looking to recruit a brand-new breed of spy.

A new scheme to recruit apprentice cyber spies

has been launched by the Government.

Up to 100 18-year-olds will be given the chance

to train for a career in the Secret Service.

We're going to have 18-year-old spies!

"Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you."

"Whatever, slaphead."

"Stop stroking your cat, you look like a paedo."

Imagine them getting interrogated. "Where have you been?"

"Nowhere!"

"Who were you with?"

"No-one!"

"Who do you work for?"

"Nando's."

They'll be awful. Imagine them with Bond girls!

"Your name's Pussy Galore. Is that because you've got a massive fanny?"

They'd be terrible with gadgets.

You give an 18-year-old a laser, he won't use it to spy with.

APPLAUSE

Mind you, the police need a bit of help.

Did you hear about this cock-up from Chorley?

Lancashire Police have apologised

for firing a taser stun gun at a blind man.

They tasered a blind man.

GOAT SCREAMS

It gets worse. Look why they did it.

His white stick was mistaken for a Samurai sword.

They thought he was a Ninja!

When have you ever seen a Ninja attack someone like this?

Imagine the moment they got him.

"I've got that Ninja bastard.

"He won't be troubling our streets again.

"Oh, bollocks! I should have gone to Specsavers."

Either way, apparently his guide dog couldn't believe it.

Mind you, there is one bloke I'd love to see tasered.

The BNP leader Nick Griffin is being investigated by police

for tweeting the address of a gay couple

who won a landmark legal battle.

Mr Griffin urged his followers to demonstrate outside their house

after a court ruled they'd been discriminated against

because of their sexuality.

What a prick. They were turned away...

-APPLAUSE

-Exactly, right.

APPLAUSE

They were turned away by a hotel because they were gay

and Griffin told his dickhead supporters where they live.

But don't worry, I've tweeted his address to this guy...

What I want to know, how does Griffin know the address of gay men?

Nick...

Are you on Grinder?

Did you see what he tweeted?

'This is the tweet that he sent.'

Heterophobia?!

When have you ever seen a gay bloke go,

"Come on, lads, let's go straight bashing.

"I hate those fanny bandits!

"But let's do it quick, there's a double episode of Glee on later

"and I'm not going to miss it."

Nick Griffin is an idiot.

You can't stop people staying in a hotel just cos they're gay. Christ!

Imagine the kind of hotel the BNP would run.

BELL CHIMES

'Welcome to the BNP BnB.

'Our sheets are white and so are the guests.

'Stay with us and you'll get a full English breakfast,

'but we don't do black pudding!'

'BNP BnB, we're here but we ain't queer!

'Book now and get a free Queen CD.

'Oh, he's not, is he?'

Over in America, check out this headline.

Now, I shouldn't laugh, but a week later, they replaced it with this...

'The statue's owner says that the vandals returned about a week later

and replaced its head with this gnome.

Such a weird crime!

Who looks at the Virgin Mary and goes,

"What she needs is a beard and a pipe."

Do you reckon somewhere there's a statue of Mary

just holding a fishing rod?

Mind you, that has got nothing on this next crime.

This may be the scariest story you will ever see.

Someone stole his penis!

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

The tooth fairy's fucking lost it!

"I'm fed up of teeth. From now on, I shall be known as the Knobgoblin."

He had his penis stolen!

So, who actually took it?

Was it his wife? Was it a scorned lover? Oh, no!

Four men!

Four men! How big was his dick?

Four men!

"Jerry, Jerry, get a lorry, this monster's got some girth."

IMITATES LORRY REVERSE SIGNAL

My favourite part of the story is definitely this bloke's reaction.

It's sick for anybody to steal someone's penis.

That's their penis, it's not yours.

It's their penis, it belongs on their body!

You have your own penis, you play with your own penis, man,

you don't go round stealing a penis, man.

That's a no-no, man, that's how you get killed!

APPLAUSE

I love that part on the end -

"Don't steal a man's penis, that's how you get killed."

No, it isn't.

Nobody has ever been murdered for stealing a dick.

I've seen many episodes of Miss Marple.

Not once has she said,

"Cause of death - he was a cock snatcher!

"Check his pockets, they're stuffed full of dick."

Do you know the worst thing?

Apparently a week later the thieves broke in

and replaced the man's penis with this...

APPLAUSE

Mind you, I've saved the most serious crime story for last.

If you're of a nervous disposition, you need to look away now.

This is truly terrifying.

'Police are taking this very seriously'

and opened a felony theft investigation

into the disappearance of a pen.

Holy shit!

GOAT SCREAMS

I can't believe they called the police.

"Officer, I'd like to report a crime.

"They've taken my biro."

Mind you, that's nothing. Did you see how people reacted online?

Don't steal a man's pen!

Man, that's a man's pen! Play with your own pen!

That's how you get yourself killed!

In sporting news, did you see the England-Poland game that never was?

There's anger and disappointment amongst England fans tonight

after the team's World Cup qualifier against Poland

was called off after hours of rain in Warsaw.

It's been rained off in a ground that's got a roof!

The Polish FA spent 400 million on a stadium with a roof

but the roof doesn't work when it's raining.

Mind you, think that's bad,

you should see their brand-new heated pool.

See the skill!

Argh!

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

The English fans were livid.

"We've come here from miles away! We've wasted so much money!"

The Polish fans, fair to say, they got into the spirit of things.

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

It's just the joy as he escaped.

The commentators had to fill air for two hours.

My highlight, the look on Roy Keane's face

when Adrian Chiles asked him the dullest question ever.

We were expecting heavy rain, but not a downpour.

That's something we can debate long into the night -

when does a heavy rain become an actual downpour?

"Roy, Roy, when... Roy, when does mist become fog?"

"Roy, Roy, when does bread become toast?"

They should have had my grandad commentate.

He wouldn't have run out of things to say. That man's hilarious, right.

I was watching the game with him and he genuinely said this halfway through.

"Here, that pitch is wetter than a wanker's rag."

Then he looked at me and said, "How is your brother?"

It's been a bad week for the Tories.

Chancellor George Osborne has found himself embroiled in an embarrassing

episode on a train tonight after failing to pay the full fare.

'George Osborne faced ridicule

'after entering a first-class carriage yesterday

'with a standard ticket.'

He refused to leave first class

even though he only had a standard class ticket.

How much would you love to have done that train announcement?

"We apologise for the late running of the train,

"a multimillionaire is refusing to pay his way.

"As all available toilets are broken,

"I recommend you piss in his shoes."

Did you see what his assistant said?

"He can't sit in there, he'll catch poor!"

What a tosser! When you think about it, we pay Osborne's wages,

so I say, as a punishment, we make him travel everywhere in this.

It wasn't just Osborne making headlines.

There was another Tory posh boy in trouble.

The Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell has finally resigned

after widespread criticism

of his foul-mouthed confrontation with police.

Did you see what he called the police?

-Plebs.

-Pleb.

-Pleb.

-Plebs.

-Plebs.

-Plebs.

-Pleb!

Apparently the police called him a Charlie Uncle November Tango.

Either way, they were fairly happy with his resignation.

Over in the US, Barack Obama is back in the presidential race.

Barack Obama has come out fighting in the battle for the White House.

Damn right! Did you watch the debate?

Romney tried his best but Obama played his trump card.

We can get this economy going again. My five-point plan does it.

Energy independence for North America in five years.

Getting us to a balanced budget.

Fixing our training programs for our workers.

And finally, championing small business.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Boom!

I can get his head if you want, bitch!

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who that person is,

so please welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "No One Knows" by Queens Of The Stone Age

Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell. How are you?

Appreciate it, Russell. My name's Alan.

Hello, Alan. Nice to meet you.

Um... Alan.

You appear to have brought some sausages on.

Plenty of sausages for you to enjoy.

Is that why you're in the news? Because you sell sausages?

Yes, we do sell sausages.

There was a man over there wolf-whistling your sausage, Alan.

-Do people often wolf-whistle at your sausage?

-Definitely.

-Various sizes, you see.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's the biggest sausage you've ever seen?

Erm...

I can make them as long as you want.

-You can make them as long as you want?

-Up to 60 yards.

-A 60-yard sausage?

-Yeah.

What an amazing nickname that would be.

"Here comes Alan." "Look alive, it's 60-yard Sausage!"

So, I'm going to need more help, because obviously...

You want a bit of help? Well, we're in the sausage business.

We are a butchers. I judge competitions all over the country.

-You do competitions?

-Judge competitions.

-Judge?

-Yes.

-You judge people's sausage?

-Yeah.

I'm at, uh...

The Reebok Stadium next Wednesday judging a sausage competition.

Let's just savour that sentence.

You're going to be in a stadium judging sausages.

OK, so can you tell me exactly why you're in the news? Is that OK?

I just won the Best Sausage in Britain...

Which is the Champion of Champions.

The Champion of Champions. There he is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've got assorted sausages. Are they all are right? Are they all cooked?

-They look good.

-We've got three kinds.

We got the celebration,

which is the one that won the Champion of Champions.

Those are the Champion of Champions.

Look at these losers hanging around with them.

-Can I try a bit of that?

-Yeah. Let's get cracking.

Just see what it...

That's a Buck's Fizz sausage made with genuine Buck's Fizz.

Oh, Alan, that's terrific.

You like it?

Alan, your sausage is the finest thing I've ever tasted.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Fantastic.

-Delicious.

All the ladies say that.

All the customers say the same.

Alan, it's...

This is terrific.

This is the best mystery guest I've ever had.

(Alan.)

Do you think I've got what it takes to become a sausage maker?

We're going to have a crash course on making sausage

and I'm sure that you'll do a good job.

Let's do a pork-off.

Yep.

CHEERING

-What's going to happen, Al?

-We've mixed this beforehand.

Saved a bit of time.

In there we've got the meat, beautiful British pork.

It's not that beautiful, Al.

Seasoning, a special seasoning that I developed some 25 years ago.

We'll mix the raw skin. So first of all,

if you can put the sprinkle of rusk in there

and then mix the sausage in.

OK, so I've got to mix it all up.

Can you get behind me? It'll be like a meaty version of Ghost.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it. It's mixed in there. Wonderful.

I'll put this in the filler and then you can fill the rest.

-I'm looking forward to it.

-Just put it in there.

Push it down and then get the rest and put it in the back here.

That's it. Carefully.

Today.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it. Next one.

Now then. We'll just drop that...

Aye, aye, that's what I didn't want to happen but it always does.

We've lost a plunger!

It feels a bit like we're in a Wallace and Gromit episode.

We've lost the plunger!

There we go.

Now then, you'll see the sausage start to come.

Now you've got to get the skin.

-Let's just put that out of the way first of all.

-OK.

There we are.

-We'll get the skin. This is a natural...

-Oh, Christ.

Now, behave!

This is a natural casing. These are pig intestines cleaned.

-Right?

-Yeah.

Finest thing for sausage. They've got the natural curve.

-You know what I mean?

-Yeah(!)

Sorry about the splash on the front row. Be careful.

-Alan, do you want to know something about pigs?

-Yeah, go on.

Did you know pigs...

-Their orgasm lasts for half an hour.

-Correct.

You're the first person...

I've said that too many people in many different countries.

You're the first who's gone, "Correct" and then...just moved on.

-No wonder your sausages are so good. I don't like that bit.

-Go on.

You've done that before!

APPLAUSE

It's all got to go on.

Start doing it with two hands.

Now you're getting excited. Slow down now. You're getting too excited.

Can I have a cigarette, Al?

Later.

Now you're away.

All you've got to do is just hold that on the end there,

turn the handle, the sausage will come out,

and take the skin with it like that. OK?

You're on your own.

Excellent. Not too full else it'll burst.

Turn your hand over. That's right. Keep turning.

-I am turning.

-Yeah.

Don't hold it so tight. The sausages are going quite thick.

I know you like a thick one, but I mean...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're getting too excited. That'll do nicely.

That's it. Stop. That's it. Lovely.

-There we are. That's yours then, Russell.

-Thank you.

Now I'll feel a bit of now.

And then we've got to do the most important part,

which is linking the sausage.

You've seen how the sausage hangs in the butcher shops, haven't you?

Now you can link some.

There we are. Twist, turn.

Just like knitting. Through, over, under, off.

-It's not JUST like knitting.

-It is, yeah!

If my nan did that in the front room I'd be terrified!

(INDISTINGUISHABLE)

Wow, good work!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Excellent.

Excellent.

Very good effort.

Honestly, one of my favourite mystery guests.

I'll shake your hand, because thank you so much for coming on.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Alan Bennett!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Some bizarre art stories in the news.

Did you hear about Damien Hirst's latest statue in Devon?

A 20 metre statue of a pregnant woman brandishing a sword

has arrived in its new home of Ilfracombe.

'The artist Damien Hirst says it's a modern allegory of truth

'and justice.'

It's a statue of a naked pregnant lady.

Very nice!

So...

So, were the locals fans?

Do they see it as the artistic cherry on top of their glowing town?

Not really.

I live here and I've got to look at it every day.

-What are your thoughts?

-It's horrible!

I don't want to look at that.

We've got enough pregnant women in the town without another one.

"We don't need another slag!"

"And she's got a knife."

"What if she robs the post office?"

She isn't the only one upset. Check this out for an overreaction.

No, it won't!

The only thing it will encourage teenagers to do is piss about.

I give it a week before a 13-year-old boy

is underneath that statue... "Look at me! I'm fingering a giant!"

It's true. You put a teenager near a statue, he'll do this.

Mind you, the art story that caught my eye wasn't a statue in Devon,

it was a lunatic filmmaker called Brent Hayward.

Check this out, right. He is absolutely bat shit.

'Brent Hayward was a punk before most people knew what one was.

BRENT WHINNIES

'He's been an artist for just as long.

'I met up with him so he could show me his infamous short film Slick.'

HE PANTS LIKE DOG

Honestly, this is what I love.

I love to get in touch with my art animal. Yeeeah!

Absolutely mad. He's like Rolf Harris on acid.

I can't show you the film he made

but I can show you this brilliant interview about it.

What makes it art?

Just the fact that it's almost unexplainable.

It's got a certain...

..unknown quality.

It's got a quality to it that's actually very mysterious.

I saw it and I thought, "There's a man with a bottle up his bum."

Not that it's the weirdest art story in the news.

An artist in Liverpool is trying to bring a whole new meaning

to the phrase "birdsong" by creating music from their droppings.

'The artist Kerry Morrison has been placing giant pieces

'of blank sheet music around the city

'with a hope that they will be hit by bird movements

'of the mucky kind.'

Basically, she's been putting sheet music down

and waiting for birds to crap on it.

They actually recorded the music,

and in case you want to know what shit sounds like...

Apparently it's this.

# One night only, one night only

# Come on, big baby, come on

# One night only... #

Finally tonight, meet Colin Wales,

an ordinary man who did an extraordinary thing.

'It's like a scene from a film, but this is real life,

'these are no actors and the man on the stretcher is only alive

'thanks to this man, Colin Wales,

'a postmaster from Trimdon Grange in County Durham.

'It was travelling home from here almost a year ago

'that he came upon the crash just off the A1.

'With the car on the right already ablaze,

'the one on the left is smouldering

'and about to burst into flames. The driver is trapped inside.'

Well, people were telling me to get out, get away,

it's going to blow, so that did give me a sense of urgency,

but it was just one of them things where you see it

and you do it and it's just a natural reaction, isn't it?

It's a situation that needed some action and that's what I did.

'Colin got the driver out and dragged him to safety,

'a moment before both vehicles were engulfed,

'an act of selflessness that earned him

'a police citation normally reserved for serving officers.

'But not today.'

'His first thoughts were, "I need to save somebody's life",

'and that's exactly what he did.'

A proud moment then for Colin and wife Susan.

Could you imagine living the rest of your life knowing

that you could have helped somebody and he burned to death? No way.

No way.

There you go. What a dude.

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my chums.

Good night!

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