Episode 10 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello...

and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

The Archbishop of York finally quashed those rumours.

I'm not a horse.

Is it me, or is this man really attached to his pineapple?

-IN TREMBLING VOICE:

-What happens to it now, I don't know.

Pineapple!

Bill Oddie revealed that he's impotent.

You only have to crack a twig and Mr Badger is down in his set

and he ain't coming out for several hours.

And finally, this lady gave the most heartless reason ever

for buying the Big Issue.

When you're walking through town, holding one,

all the others leave you alone.

A few people applauding - "Yeah, I hate the bastards."

So, what's been going on? Well, the weather has been shocking.

'More than 250 flood warnings are in place tonight...

'as torrential rain and high winds sweep the country.'

'The countryside is absolutely sodden.'

It has been horrific.

Houses destroyed, cars swept away.

But that's nothing - look what this bloke was worried about.

The water was just coming in and in and all I could think about was...

well, my Prada shoes.

"It was either that or save granny."

"And I can't wear her on my feet, can I?!"

I don't know what he's stroking there.

Not everyone was trivial.

Luckily, there were heroes like this guy bringing essential supplies.

My main worry, is the fact that the people who run the site for me

are stranded on their boat at the moment, with four of five others.

What are you doing to help them?

We took them essential supplies, like cigarettes and wine this morning.

How British is that?!

APPLAUSE

"They're flooded. Let's get them bollixed!"

No matter what happened, people kept going.

Even the reporters.

Nothing was going to stop them, nothing.

...stay away from swollen rivers.

Jeremy Cooke is in Congresbury in Somerset. Jeremy.

Yes, George, I have to say there's growing...

HE MOUTHS INAUDIBLY

I love the fact that he carries on

despite the fact that his mic clearly broke.

I mean, you'd never...

HE MOUTHS INAUDIBLY

..kin' idiot.

From floods to joy.

This week saw the release of the first ever happiness report.

The UK's first official report into happiness has just been

published by the Office for National Statistics.

The survey suggests that about three quarters of people in Britain

are happy with their life.

Not everyone agrees.

THE WHOLE WORLD STINKS OF SHIT!

So, what makes people happy?

Well, the smoothest pensioner ever put it down to love.

I've been married to the same lady for 62 years.

Fantastic.

And she is an absolute dream of a lady.

What is the secret to happiness? What makes you happy?

I do what I'm told.

How amazing is his voice?

"I do what I'm told.

"If she wants to spank me, "then spank me she shall!"

Grrrrr!

Now, incredibly, the report found that Hull was

one of the happiest places to live in the UK.

I tell you what, I bet the locals were delighted.

I've lived here all my life, and I can't stand it.

"It's a shithole, mate.

"I could have moved but then I'd be happy.

"WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT?"

Have you noticed, when these reports come out,

they always interview the same people.

"What makes me happy? Food, family."

Wouldn't it be great if just once you saw some bloke on the news -

"Me? I like hovering near a gerbil cage with cheese on my balls."

"I like 'em scrabbling all over me gonads."

People are different. Do you know what cheers my mum up?

She likes hiding her Oyster card in her glove so the barriers open

when she waves her hand.

"It is amazing, you feel like Gandalf."

Happiness is an odd thing,

you never know what's going to provide you with joy.

It could be something as simple

as a baby gorilla being touched by a cold stethoscope.

"Oooh!"

It could be the face of a toddler that's just been fed a lemon.

But the number one thing that cheers me up is this.

I've watched this 1,000 times and it still makes me laugh.

I can watch it over and over.

Talking of things that provide joy,

did you see this story about Santa?

A Santa Claus has become the latest victim of the zip wire.

His beard got stuck in the wire.

He was left hanging

while the Christmas lights were switched on with him hovering above.

Poor sod, he was up there for an hour.

"Mummy, why is Santa crying?"

Still, it could've been worse.

AUDIENCE GROANS

"Mummy, why is Santa dead?"

Still, if you think he's had a nightmare,

did you read about Susan Boyle launching her new album on Twitter?

This is wonderful.

Look what she wrote.

"Susan Boyle inadvertently invites her fans to...

"Sus-anal-bum-party."

Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

My brother went.

He got shit-faced.

Literally!

AUDIENCE GROANS

It was a great night.

I've actually got a photo of Sue at the bum party.

I wonder who made her look like that.

So, what else is going on? Well, did you hear about this?

In the wake of the success of 50 Shades Of Grey, some of the

greatest works of English fiction have been given erotic makeovers.

Classic novels are getting sexed up!

That is really going to change The Lord Of The Rings.

We're obsessed with sex. "What am I reading? Oliver Fist."

Imagine that.

"Please sir, can I have a bit less?"

# Consider yourself well in! #

APPLAUSE

It's ridiculous.

Everywhere you look - sex, sex, sex.

You've got vajazzles,

three-year-olds in T-shirts that say "Mummy's Little Porn Star."

Christ! In 20 years the news will look like this -

The economy is in disarray.

Now, Sylvia.

Oh, yes!

Over to Tom with the weather.

MUFFLED SPEECH

AUDIENCE GROANS

And they said I couldn't get my dad on telly.

Talking of dads, did you see this incredible story?

This little guy was fathered by this

really, really old guy.

96 years old, in fact.

He claims to be the world's oldest man to father a child.

He's 96.

My granddad can't get up the stairs.

He's doing the reverse cowboy.

And it wasn't just a one-off.

Listen to this hound.

TRANSLATION: I have sex with her three or four times a night.

I can go all night.

He can go all night.

"Say my name, baby.

"Seriously, say my name, I've forgotten it."

Imagine he's saying, "What did I come in here for?"

I shouldn't take the piss. This guy's a legend.

Most old fellas wear boring, beige clothes.

Not this cat. Look at that.

Look at his eyes, they're screaming,

"I live for two things, pussy and table cloths."

For me, this is the most incredible part of the story.

He believes the fact that he was celibate his whole life up until

his met his wife ten years ago is responsible for his current vitality.

He was celibate until he was 86!

He must have been carrying his nuts around in a wheelbarrow.

Just lumbering these bastards around.

I bet when he finally blew his spuds his eyes were like this.

If you think a 96-year-old dad is insane,

have a look what this bloke but his girlfriend through.

He hired a team of actors, stuntmen,

and directors to stage a car crash in front of her.

She was horrified to see medics pull her blood-covered boyfriend

from the wreckage.

After frenzied resuscitation efforts

they told her that he had been pronounced dead.

He faked his own death in front of her and then he did this.

Minutes later though,

the grief stricken woman got another shock, when her man

jumped out of the ambulance with a ring, and some flowers.

She actually forgave him, and said yes.

The two are already on their honeymoon.

What a dick!

That...

That is the worst wedding proposal ever.

"Surprise!"

-HYSTERICALLY:

-"What the fuck is wrong with you?!

"What's wrong with a plane that says, 'I love you?'

"Getting down on one knee like a fucking zombie?!

"You were fucking burning in there, I can't believe you did this.

"I wanted this moment to be special and you've ruined it.

"I will never forgive you for this, I will never forgive you

"for what you've done to me on my special day.

"Never.

"Can I have a look at the ring?"

Wouldn't it be great if she said yes

and he did a little dance of delight and got hit by a truck.

Some cracking crime stories knocking around.

First up, over in America there is a terrifying creature

attacking people.

There's a new creature you need to watch out for.

And this one is not in the water. It's in the sky.

It's a bird.

A bird attacking people has made the news.

So, did the locals overreact? Oh, just a bit.

It stays with me, I still see his shadow.

I literally thought it was the end.

"I thought it was the end.

"Officer, come quickly.

"He's terrifying."

So, did the police help? Oh, they did better than that.

They released this incredibly detailed drawing of the evil bird.

'There is even a composite sketch of

this so-called crazy bird, accused of attacking people.

That is the shittest drawing ever!

Look at it, look at it!

It looks like an Easter egg with wings.

Not that it's my favourite animal attack in the news,

check out this belter of a headline.

Mugged!

What's he got? A knife?

"Give me your wallet, "or I'll run you through."

Now, the reason I love this story... Look what happened next.

"I'll be back tomorrow for some humus.

"And it'd better be organic, you fat knacker!"

Now, luckily, the police have released a photo of this evil beast.

Let's be honest, he clearly made the story up.

"Where's the garlic bread, Dave?"

"Erm... It was taken by a fox, Linda."

"Oh, right.

"Why's there chocolate round your face, then?"

"Erm...

because he made me eat a curly-wurly as well!"

"That's it, from now on we're shopping online.

"Let's see you eat the internet, you fat bastard."

"I HATE YOU, DAVE!

"I would leave Hull, but I fucking hate it."

Fortunately, not all animals are on the attack. Check this out.

The popularity of medical marijuana here in Colorado has had

an unintended side-effect.

Really? What's that?

Dogs on dope.

Apparently dogs in America are getting stoned.

And some of them are pretty hard-core.

If you think he's bad, look how baked these two are.

Imagine a stoned dog.

Sat around, eating HobNobs, giggling at stuff like this.

"Best prank ever.

"Oh, it's better than the time that Labrador fucked the old lady."

In Royal news,

the Queen is on the last stop of her Diamond Jubilee tour this week.

So where did she go? The Seychelles? Borneo?

Somewhere amazing?

The Queen, and her 90-year-old husband, have come to Bristol

on a wet Thursday morning to tour a caravan factory.

She visited a caravan factory.

"Look Phil, they make signs. What does that say?

"'Don't come knocking if the caravan's rocking'?"

-MIMICS PRINCE PHILIP:

-"Yes.

"Yes, they do."

A bit sinister that, wasn't it?

Did you see the interview with the guy who drove them around?

"Yeah, I was pretty cool, I weren't fazed.

"Once you have driven one person, you have driven them all."

Did you see how he got on?

They are not perhaps a silky smooth as a royal limousine.

As we're near the end of the series, the production team have come up

with a very special mystery guest which I don't know anything about.

Please welcome my mystery guest!

-Hello.

-Hello.

How are you, my friend.

-Very well.

-Excellent.

What's your name?

Ah... That's for you to guess.

LAUGHTER

MAN SHOUTS: Is it Yoda?

Is it Yoda?

Is it Yoda?

That was a beautifully withering look there.

The cloak, you look a bit like a Jedi.

You've got that kind of vibe.

I would never be a Jedi.

Which sort of implies that you're on the dark side.

Slightly.

Are you a Sith Lord?

-Sick or Sith?

-Sith.

I'm not a Sith Lord, either.

You're not a Sith Lord.

I'm going to need a clue. (Who are you?)

Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold.

Are you Boba Fett?

You were Boba Fett?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, awesome. Is that the actual...

Isn't that wonderful? There you go.

-Put it on.

-OK.

Wow, that was pretty forceful.

Excellent.

Yes, the thing is, though,

Boba Fett would have been less scary

if he was dressed like this, wouldn't he?

"I'll find him."

With that caravan on your chest, yes.

Yes, well I can kill anyone because I'm Boba Fett.

Awesome.

I'm just going to do a bit of that.

You don't have to move around like that...

And be careful of the helmet. It's a special gift.

Do you know, weirdly,

that is exactly what my brother says on every date he goes on.

And know this now, my friend, I'll never manhandle your helmet.

I will return your helmet as you gave it to me.

Roomy.

You have a strange, strange thing about you.

Yes. You're pretty weird as well.

Well, what a wonderful thing to be part of.

So, do we ever see your face in any of the films?

Yes, you do, you see me as an Imperial Officer.

But you are doubled-up, you're playing different...

It's funny, some of you might know, I actually end up shooting myself.

That's what happened in Star Wars.

You just joined in, and said, "Which costume? Oh, that one."

So, are we going to have a bit of fun?

Yes, we are. You've done quite well, guessing who I am.

Cool.

So I thought I'd put you to a quiz

that is maybe a little bit more difficult.

A Star Wars quiz? Let's do it.

MUSIC: "Star Wars (Main Theme)" by John Williams

MUSIC: "Theme from Mastermind"

Well, welcome to Now I Am The Mastermind.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

In The Return Of The Jedi, Princess Leia infiltrates

Jabba the Hut's palace by disguising herself as what?

Erm...

a bounty hunter, and she says...

-Correct.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

I'll let you do the noises a bit later on.

How tall in centimetres is Yoda?

I don't know...

59?

66.

For this question, we have a special guest.

-OK.

-Chris?

Hi, Chris.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chris,

he's a huge Star Wars fan, and he does impressions.

Now, identify the following five impressions.

Fred West.

Very, very close.

Lap it up, Fuzzball.

Han Solo.

Correct.

If it's a fast ship.

Erm, that's...

-Ben Kenobi.

-Well done.

Hhhrroooaaaaank.

Chewy.

-I am fluent in over six million forms...

-C3PO.

Well done.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Yoda.

Well done. Yes, thank you.

What was the actual working title of Return Of The Jedi?

Let's Get Fucked Up.

Can we have a point for someone in the audience, what was that?

MAN: Blue Harvest?

Correct, a point for you.

Oh, right, from Family Guy. This guy knows everything. Fantastic.

Come and see us later, he'll give you a bottle of gin. Thank you.

Can you summarise the plot of the three original films in 15 seconds?

Yes, I can. There's a boy called Luke.

He is living in this place, nothing really happens.

Suddenly, shit goes down.

He tries to shag his sister, kills his dad, peace.

I let you have that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How does Princess Leia respond to this line?

END OF ROUND BEEP

I've started so I'll finish.

"I'm Luke Skywalker, "I'm here to rescue you."

"Aren't you a little bit short to be a storm trooper?"

Well done, excellent.

MUSIC: "Theme from Mastermind"

Well done, thank you very much indeed.

Pleasure. Thanks very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for our mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, take a look at this.

There has been shock over a scented oil on sale in Japan.

"Why is it shocking, Russell?" I hear you cry. Here's why.

AUDIENCE GROANS

They are selling a perfume that smells like a bloke's arse.

-Ain't nobody got time for that.

-Correct.

APPLAUSE

What are they going to call it? Shiteguard?

I've never farted and had a woman go, "Oh you smell great.

"Ooh, is that vindaloo?"

Ooh, you old charmer!"

It's disgusting.

But, I will concede, it would make an amazing episode of Dragons' Den.

Russell enters the Den.

Dragons!

We all like to smell good, right? Right?!

Well, I've got a brand new fragrance.

What does it smell of?

Flowers.

My new washing machine.

No, Theo.

It smells of man-arse.

You're off the wall.

I'm off the wall?

You look like Cruella Deville.

Am I right, Dunc?

-That's fantastic.

-Cheers, Dunc.

Anyway, enough of this BS, let's have a demonstration.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about...

Spread on!

So what do you think?

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

Fuck.

I'm going to make you an offer.

Yes, I knew you'd like man-arse.

Yes!

Next up, have a look at this creepy weirdo.

There are individuals out there that get turned on by feet,

turned on by spanking,

turned on by cars.

I get turned on by drinking my wife's breast milk.

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Drinking his wife's breast milk!

You think I'm shocked, his kid was furious!

It gets even more repellent.

I drink breast milk with my cereal.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Filthy bastard!

Christ, did you see what Tony said?

I-i-i-i-it's fucking disgusting!

Aaaaagh!

Mind you, not everyone was horrified. This guy loved it.

Very nice!

Finally, tonight,

check out this amazing story about a boy called Lenny.

11-year-old Lenny has a rare lung condition.

My lungs don't work as well as other people's do,

so I need to carry around an oxygen tank.

Lenny's had various tanks over the years.

This trolley was designed to help him get about.

Then he was given a smaller tank in a backpack,

but all of them stopped him doing what a normal 11-year-old would.

I couldn't play football, I couldn't go on swings,

I couldn't go on a trampoline without a big extension.

It made me feel quite sad

because I couldn't join in with other things.

The straps were too long for you, weren't they?

At the same time, Hannah Jenkins was on an internship

with a Glasgow product design company.

She asked Lenny what he wanted, didn't ask me, she asked Lenny.

Lenny he sat down with her,

he described what was wrong with the backpack, how it could be improved,

how he felt he wanted it to look, because it's important.

He's 11 years old, he wants to look cool.

She went off, and came back with a prototype which was amazing.

Then I walked up Ben Lomond with it, and it worked,

it helped very well, and I got up quite quick with it.

No problems at all.

Not only did Lenny climb Ben Lomond, he beat lots of others

to the top and raised thousands of pounds for charity.'

I can join in with other things and I am much happier than I was.

Lenny's got his life back, and a new friend for life in Hannah.

That's lovely, that's awesome.

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Farewell.

I enjoyed that. It was nearly as much fun as the time

I dressed up as Big Cook, Little Cook.

Be careful, Ben!

Ha, ha, ha!

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