Episode 9 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks very much indeed.

Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Over on Look East, they've recreated the latest Bond film

on a much smaller budget.

SINGING THE JAMES BOND THEME

Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure this guy is being spied on.

A lot of buildings obviously lose heat through the roof...

LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH

Did anyone else see Nick Clegg getting heckled by a child?

The Government is going to make life untenable for small to medium

businesses who'll have no idea who's going off on leave and for how long.

-CHILD:

-Uh-oh!

LAUGHTER

Boom!

"Uh-oh!"

That's nothing - he's getting stalked by a zombie!

That's something which I hope people...

LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH

And finally, it's this newsreader's last day

and, luckily, she stayed professional right to the end.

That's all for this week, I'll be back with more,

hopefully you'll join me Monday at eight o'clock.

Bye, guys.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on?

Christ! Am I the only one who was shocked by this?

Nadine Dorries took everyone by surprise when she decided

to become the first sitting MP

to appear on ITV's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

She hopes that, by going down under,

she'll get a bigger audience for her political views back home.

LAUGHTER

She wants us to talk about politics?

So, how's that going for her?

So far, she's eaten a camel toe, a crocodile anus, and a lamb's testicle.

LAUGHTER

"I'm teaching kids about politics!"

No, you're eating kangaroo bollocks.

Martin Luther King had a dream - she's munching on ferret dick!

If that's how you get people voting,

how long till we see Nick Clegg rimming a porcupine?

LAUGHTER

"Please, like me!"

"Argh! Zombie!"

Mind you, she's clearly loopy.

Did you see why she's doing the show?

She told The Sun newspaper...

MPs on I'm A Celebrity?

Now, I'm a fan of Boris, but I don't want to see him like this...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MPs should be at home, working for the people that got them into power,

not sat in the jungle chewing on wallaby knackers.

What next? MPs on Take Me Out?

Single man, reveal yourself!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning

# Like a whirlpool it never ends... #

David, from London. Girls, are you turned on, or turned off?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Staying down under, Prince Charles has been under attack.

A man has been arrested in New Zealand for allegedly planning

to attack the Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall.

Oh, my God, what did he do? Did he try and shoot them?

Police noticed a man nearby with a bucket.

Inside that bucket - horse manure.

The man wanted to throw the dung at Charles and Camilla.

He tried to throw horse shit at them.

I wish he'd got them.

Imagine Prince Philip reading the papers.

"He-he-he-he, look, Liz, Charlie got shit-bombed!"

"He looks like Morph!"

I shouldn't joke -

apparently Camilla was so scared she could hardly breathe.

BRAYING

So, you're probably thinking after he got caught,

this poo assassin will never strike again.

Next time, Charlie, next time.

He wasn't the only celeb under attack.

Did you hear about Phillip Schofield?

The TV presenter Phillip Schofield has been disciplined by ITV

for giving a list of alleged child abusers to David Cameron live on air.

What a dick. Schofield is in no position

to have a go at anyone for abuse.

He had his hand up Gordon the Gopher's arse for 10 years.

"Say hello to the kids." "Leave me alone!"

"Leave me, Phillip!"

To be honest, it's not Schofield they want to watch, it's Holly.

She doesn't know the difference between Star Wars and the Nazis.

We are set, apparently, for a heat wave.

This is according to the force casters... Force casters?

May the force be with you!

LAUGHTER

Stupid you are, Holly!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, Schofield's not the only broadcaster in the news.

Because of the Lord McAlpine scandal there was talk that

Jeremy Paxman was going to leave Newsnight.

Now, luckily, he's dismissed those rumours. Thank God for that.

British TV needs someone like him. Nobody slams a guest like Paxman.

Look what he made of this lady's book.

Your publicist gave us chapter one, Ann Coulter.

I've read it - does it get any better?

He's brilliant. I mean, who else would ask David Cameron this?

David Cameron, do you know what a pink pussy is?

Um...

I don't think I do.

Now my favourite Paxman moment ever did you see the episode

where they forced him to read the weather?

It's brilliant. He couldn't give a toss.

And now on the theory that, while some people are interested

in the markets, everyone's interested in the weather, here it is.

Eastern parts will mainly avoid the rain,

except for those that don't,

western areas will be cloudy with rain,

except in those places that don't have rain.

He was even better the next night.

And finally, by popular demand, the second Newsnight weather forecast -

take an umbrella with you tomorrow.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, away from the turbulent world of broadcasting,

there was this moment of sporting genius.

A stunning goal for Sweden in a friendly against England last night

is being celebrated as one of the best ever scored.

Is this the greatest goal of all time?

What a goal.

I watched it in a pub, and the entire bar had a football orgasm.

There was 50 men just going, "Oh! Oh...

"Oooooh!"

There is something incredible about amazing football skills.

But here's a tip if you're going to show off on video,

make sure you're alone.

MUSIC

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In health news, bad news for potheads.

Young people who smoke cannabis could permanently damage

their levels of intelligence and memory.

You're telling me. Look at this graffiti.

LAUGHTER

It gets worse look what I found in the toilet...

..and what was underneath...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE GROANS

Elsewhere this week,

there's been a huge breakthrough for pregnant women.

This is fantastic news.

That's right! Giving blow jobs gets rid of morning sickness!

Very nice.

I agree with Boris.

Men watching if you see a pregnant woman

looking a bit peaky on a train...

it is your duty... to ease her suffering...

by offering her a soothing blow job.

And don't you dare let her thank you.

You are a hero, my friend.

It's so ridiculous, isn't it?

Blow jobs cure morning sickness?

It's like a weird, Victorian wives tale.

"If your tummy has an ache, suck a one-eyed trouser snake."

"If you're feeling in a tizz, guzzle on his..."

You get the point.

LAUGHTER

"If you're feeling in a funk, cover your f..." You know, anyway.

Wouldn't it be great for men if our wangs cured everything?

"I've got a cold." "Uhhhnnn!"

"I've got a headache." "Yeah!"

"I've got herpes." "Woah!"

Mind you, if oral sex does cure morning sickness,

it's really going to change One Born Every Minute.

'Susie's having trouble on the ward.'

Aargh! Ow!

'Luckily, Darren is on hand to help.'

HE UNZIPS FLY

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not that it's the weirdest health story in the news.

Have a look at this.

This is Joni, my cat.

And I love her more than she knows. Or does she?

Could she actually be controlling my brain?

No!

She's a cat!

Get ready for this. This is truly insane.

According to the latest scientific research,

owning a cat

may increase the chance of suicide.

What?! I tell you what, this guy must be shitting himself!

LAUGHTER

But never mind Jess, Pat should be more worried

about the filthy way Farmer Alf gets him out of a tree.

Come on, then. Let's be having you!

Oh!

ALF GROANS AND GRIMACES

BIRD CHIRRUPS

Damn right!

To be honest, I'm not surprised that cats are evil.

I've actually translated what they've been saying.

Now, here is what YOU hear.

-KITTEN MEOWS

-Oh, cute! Oh, lovely!

Aw, he's a lovely cat with a lovely old lady!

Here's what these monsters are actually saying!

KITTEN MEOWS

Vicious little bastard!

The big crime story was all about the vote for police commissioners.

The first police and crime commissioners

have been elected in England and Wales.

They've produced the lowest voter turnout in peacetime history.

-Can you tell me who you voted for?

-I don't remember, to be honest.

People couldn't give a shit!

Look what someone did to an official ballot paper.

LAUGHTER

I didn't even know you could vote for Nick Clegg.

Some voters even invented their own candidates.

In fairness, he's a pretty good cop.

I'm going to clean up these streets! Hurgh!

Mind you... That's not mine! Mind you...

it's little wonder nobody voted,

when you look at some of the candidates.

My favourite was a bloke called Godfrey Bloom.

Look how he tried to win the vote.

Anyway, consider me,

November the 15th, police commissioner, Godfrey Bloom.

And otherwise, I'll stop buying my cream buns in here.

Yes, you heard me!

If you don't vote for me,

I shall buy my macaroons elsewhere!

Good day to you, sir.

The man is hilarious. Look how he reckons the police behave.

In East Yorkshire at the moment,

you cannot shake a hedgerow

without a policeman falling out of it with a laser gun in his hand.

To which the obvious question is...

why are you shaking a hedge?!

"I like making badgers jiggle."

"Stop it!"

That is THE best impression of a jiggling badger you will ever see!

Mind you, it is weird.

Have a look at how shops in London are trying to stop burglary.

Could images of babies help reduce the crime rate?

Some store owners in south-east London are hoping so.

They're trying to stop break-ins

by putting pictures of toddlers on shops.

What's that street called, Savile Row?!

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, it might work.

Did you see who they're putting on the shops?

Wouldn't it be great if toddlers were the secret to stopping crime?

Oh, you'd never be frightened of being mugged again.

-Give me your phone or I'm going to fucking kill you!

-Oh, really?

Jog on, toilet!

HE SQUEALS

Thanks so much for helping m...!

APPLAUSE

From babies to an even bigger crime!

One of the top young Scrabble players in the country

has been kicked out of the game's national championship tournament

here in Florida for cheating.

SON OF A BITCH!

So, did the media overreact? Oh, just a bit(!)

I don't usually get emotional about these things,

but people like this guy should be put away for life.

I HOPE HE DIES! SCRABBLE BASTARD!

Nothing gets people angry like Scrabble.

Last year, my brother ripped a board in half

after we wouldn't let him play the letters, H-G-N-N-N.

We were like, "Dan, HGNNN isn't a word!"

And he said, "Yeah, it is.

"It's the noise you make when you're having a shit.

"HGNNN!" It gets worse...

And my mum went, "No, it's not. It's, "Oooh!"

And after that, we stopped playing Scrabble!

So, who is this evil cheat?

This is the only information we have.

He's 13, and he's not been named.

13 years old and he's not been named.

How cruel are his parents?!

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-How you doing?

-Hello.

-Hello, I'm Russell.

-Hello.

I've got to do...I've got a knackered hand.

-Amy?

-Yes.

-Nice to meet you.

So, Amy, we find ourselves in a sauna.

Erm, does it have anything to do with saunas?

-Are you a sauna champion?

-No.

Are you the best sweater in England?

-Not exactly.

-Not exactly?

But it is part of the job.

-Part of your job is to sweat?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-And this is the only way you do it?

-There is other ways,

but this is the quickest way.

What are the other ways to sweat?

By going running, or...

Oh, right. I thought...

No, not that.

-LAUGHTER

-No, I didn't mean that! No!

But do you ever find yourself doing that, thinking,

-"This is great for work!"

-Not really, no.

OK, you've got interesting boots on.

If I was ever in a sauna and I saw a lady wearing those boots...

..I'd be fairly worried that...

-Are you a dominatrix?

-No, I'm not.

Thank God for that!

I'm feeling a bit ill. The last thing I need...

You seem lovely, but I don't want a whipping tonight.

What's that there?

Can I have a look? You've got something else there.

-Do you mind if I have a look?

-Oh, gosh!

That looks like a whip!

Why have you got a whip?

That's what I use, but not in that way!

-So you use this for your work?

-I do.

What do you hit?

Er, it involves animals.

LAUGHTER

So you sweat a lot and you hit animals.

Are you, like, Rolf Harris' nemesis?

No!

What kind of animals? Not a Chihuahua,

cos if you caught one of them little buggers like that,

you could properly...is that what you do?

Chihuahua golf? Like that?

Wheeee!

HE MIMICS GUNFIRE

Have you ever shot a Chihuahua?

-No.

-Oh, you thought about that!

"No, no, just a Labrador."

So, OK, it's got something to do with

whipping and boots, and animals.

Am I allowed...this seems incredibly pervy. I don't mean it to be.

Can I have a look underneath your towel? Is that all right?

Is that OK?

-Yes.

-OK.

HE SINGS BURLESQUE TUNE

Oh, I've got it! I know what it is now!

-Are you a jockey?

-I am.

Oh, excellent! I've got it! There you go!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So why are you in news?

I was the first female to become champion apprentice jockey outright.

-Excellent!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah!

-That's right.

Now, Amy, how did you become a jockey?

Well, I was born into it. My dad trains racehorses.

Wow. Who's your favourite horse?

-Advanced.

-Advanced!

An old horse in the yard.

Oh, is he? Why is he your favourite?

Because I won a lot of money on him!

LAUGHTER

"He has a lovely mane and a wonderful nature...

"No, he's made me shitloads, mate!"

So, Amy, are we going to give horse riding a go?

I'm going to give you a crash course and see how you get on.

-Let's do this.

-APPLAUSE

-What are we going to do?

-We couldn't get a real horse.

This is a simulator we practice on.

-I'm going to show you a few techniques.

-Lovely stuff.

-Get on. There's your whip.

-Thanks very much.

-Stick your feet in your irons.

-So...ow!

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Yeah, right.

-All right?

-Yeah...

-So get your reins over the top.

-Oh, like that?

-Yeah, and push up.

-Push what up?

-The horse.

-Push up the horse's neck.

-Push up his neck?

And give it a slap.

HE WHIPS HORSE Yeah!

Go like that? Yeah, fine.

Awesome. Lovely stuff.

I'm enjoying this!

I think you're ready now, if you'd like to dismount.

Oh, no!

Sit down!

-Take your feet out!

-I was going to do a Frankie Dettori!

No!

AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS

APPLAUSE Take your feet out!

And that one. OK.

Obviously, this horse doesn't move,

and we have got one for you that does move.

-We've got a real horse?

-So if we can bring your horse on, please?

LAUGHTER

I thought it'd be a bit unfair for you to race me,

so I've got you somebody to race,

and it is your friend, Karl, so if we can bring him on with his horse.

Lovely Karl Minns, ladies and gentlemen, please!

-Come on, Karl.

-Dressed like I'm a fucking Quality Street!

-Karl, shall we race?

-Let's do it.

-We just get on.

Whoa, Christ!

Oh, I see. Whoa!

-You should be the adjudicator.

-You're favourite, actually,

so you'll have to get a move on.

My odds are pretty long.

So I'll set you on your way.

You're under starter's orders. You're off!

MUSIC: "William Tell Overture"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Karl...

Yes, you fucking cheating bastard.

Trophy!

Come on. Let's hold it together.

Yes!

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Karl Minns

and my wonderful mystery guest!

Have you seen what scientists claim can make us work harder?

A new study from Hiroshima University

finds that looking at photos of cute baby animals improves productivity.

Cute animals make you work hard. If that's true,

I'm about to put productivity in Britain through the roof.

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

-# I like to move it...

-Move it! #

Let's be honest, this story is bollocks.

Looking at that does not make you want to work hard.

It makes you want to find a pug and glue him to a pram.

There's some cheering. "Yeah, let's do that!"

If you see a cute animal, you don't work hard, you drop everything.

It makes you think, "How the hell did Noah manage to build that ark?"

"Oh, look at the penguins!

"Look at the rabbits!

"What the fuck is THAT?"

"Fuck you, Noah!

"It's what's inside that counts. I've got a lovely personality.

"You're a tosser, Noah!"

We shouldn't be so obsessed with work, work, work.

Sometimes the best stuff happens when you're just messing around.

Mind you, there is one animal that's been working hard.

The dog from the film The Artist has written a book.

He has a story to tell.

This is not an ordinary dog that is just acting in the movies.

This is a dog that has a story.

That's going to be a page-turner, innit?

"Woke up, went for a walk,

"sniffed a few arses, went to bed."

Actually, sounds like my brother's dream day.

It's madness. He's a dog! He doesn't want to write a book.

Did you see him on the news? He was focused on other things.

..thought it would be a great idea to write a book...

# Never mind, I'll find someone like you

# I wish nothing but the best for you

# Sometimes it lasts in love

# But sometimes it hurts instead. #

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, if you think a dog writing a book is strange, check this out.

Hank Hough of Spring created Kingdom Dog Ministries,

a backyard-born presentation

of the Gospel of Jesus Christ,

and the preacher? You're looking at him.

That's right, there's a church in America whose vicar is a dog.

Have you seen the reason why?

If you spell his name backwards, it spells God, G-O-D.

Ha-ha!

Which makes him a citanul gnikcuf,

which is, of course, backwards for

fucking lunatic!

You can't have a dog in a church.

Imagine the noise - the organ, the hymns.

Dogs don't react well to unusual sounds.

HORN HONKS

Ah! No!

Finally tonight, a lovely story

about a British charity called Over The Wall.

How are you feeling?

I've been sick a lot.

I've got kidney problems, so my kidneys don't work properly.

What it is, when my kidneys relapse,

all of the fluid from my kidneys,

it goes from my thighs, from my leg,

and it's just quite painful.

So what's it like to go away for a week with other people

who understand what it's like to be poorly?

It's quite cool because when you're doing all these activities,

you just forget about it, really. It's just fun.

GUITAR PLAYS

# Don't mess with dynamite don't mess with dynamite

# Cos when you mess with dynamite it goes tick tick tick tick

# Boom, dynamite... #

Over The Wall is a UK children's charity.

We run residential activity camps for kids with serious illnesses.

They get an opportunity to just relax and have fun

and not have to worry about their medical conditions.

We want to be able to bring them away for a week

and say, "Yes, you can do stuff."

-This is my special pass I had when I was there.

-Yep.

-So is this precious to you?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Awesome, innit?

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd