Episode 11 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING

Hello, hello, hello.

And welcome to a special edition of Good News, Best Bits.

Now, we've had amazing stories this series,

tonight, I'm showing my favourites

with a few extra unseen bits thrown in for good measure.

So...enjoy.

Now, what's been happening?

The BBC interviewed the worst Boris Johnson lookalike ever.

I've always had concerns about this...

LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH

That is nothing. Did anyone else see that gnome wanking on the news?

Gnomes banned for 100 years have been spotted here at Chelsea.

LAUGHTER

And finally, is it me,

or does Nick Owen really have a favourite co-host?

Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.

Hello! Welcome to Midlands Today with Mary Rhodes.

Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.

Mary Rhodes. Mary Rhodes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In political news,

Cameron's been having a tough time trying to make gay marriage legal.

The Prime Minister is facing opposition from within his own party

as the bill to allow same-sex marriage

in England and Wales returns to the House Of Commons.

You're telling me. Now, loads of Tories were outraged.

-UPPER-CLASS ACCENT:

-"It's disgusting! It's appalling!"

But Norman Tebbit wins my award for over-reaction of the week.

Did you see what he said?

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-What?

"Gay marriage may lead to a lesbian Quee..."?!

I'd love to have seen the Queen's face when she read that.

-AS THE QUEEN:

-Philip!

It says here that, if they pass gay marriage, I'll become a lesbian!

-WHISPERING BREATHY VOICE:

-Really?

Can I watch?

Hello, Kelly Brook? I'm sending a cab.

-LAUGHTER

-I tell you what,

this is going to change the Queen's Speech.

-AS THE QUEEN:

-Britain, I've got an announcement to make.

I'm off the crown jewels.

From now on I shall be known as "Your Vajesty".

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Yah. Yah.

Yah, yah.

Yah. Yah, yah.

Gay marriage will lead to a lesbian Queen?!

What, and I suppose it'll make Prince Harry do this?

Mind you...

..if you think what Norman Tebbit said was insane,

look what this bloke in America did.

A dog owner sends his pet to be euthanised

because he thinks his dog is gay.

The pup was humping another male dog.

The owner told shelter workers he refuses to have a gay dog.

-CHUCKLING

-Yeah.

He wants his dog to be killed cos he's gay!

-Poor dog.

-AUDIENCE: Aw.

Yeah!

Imagine him in the pound.

What are you in for? Too old. You?

-Too fabulous!

-LAUGHTER

-CAMP AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Fetch your bone?

Honey, I don't even know your name.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The big news this week, it's all been kicking off in Korea.

Tension on the Korean peninsula is running at dangerous levels.

Kim Jong-Un is seen as a loose cannon by the West,

but no-one can really second guess how this crisis will play out.

North Korea said it's planning to fire another missile

over the Pacific Ocean, possibly as early as tomorrow.

Are you worried about nuclear threat?

-AUDIENCE: No!

-Me neither.

I've seen their rockets.

LAUGHTER

They've got nothing.

-APPLAUSE

-Literally nothing.

Check out their binoculars.

LAUGHTER

Their leader Kim Jong-Un has threatened to start a nuclear war,

but no-one's worried, are we?

He's like the mad kid at school that just makes things up.

I've got missiles and rockets

and a flying monkey that's got lasers for eyes.

And my dog is made of marshmallows

and when it barks it fires sweets that haven't even been invented yet.

And my dad's so cool, he wees Coca-Cola.

LAUGHTER

He calls himself the Supreme Leader.

That doesn't make him sound scary, that makes him sound like a pizza.

He's SUCH an oddball. Do you know he cuts his own hair?

-What with? A rock?

-RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

It's a scary old place, North Korea. It's like something out of 1984 -

the people are brainwashed, terrified.

Every time you see them on the news, they've CLEARLY been forced

to say something against their will.

TRANSLATION:

HE WHIMPERS

But I've actually got hold of a machine

which tells you what they're REALLY thinking.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like that.

Have you seen their military propaganda videos?

They're ridiculous. They're full of things they can't possibly do.

Leaping, jumping, leaping through fire.

It's true. Take a look at this.

ROUSING MUSIC

Mind you, we've all done propaganda videos.

You should see the trailer for Good News that I wanted to show.

ROUSING MUSIC

Ahhh!

Unh!

Huh!

Argh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Argh!

Hey!

HE UNZIPS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Baby, baby, baby, ooh! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, have you seen who fancies being London Mayor?

Eddie Izzard says he's prepared to take the flak

for wanting to pursue a career in politics.

In a recent magazine interview,

the comedian confirmed

he will seek the Labour nomination for Mayor of London.

Wow.

Eddie Izzard versus Boris Johnson.

That could be the most amazing, surreal debate ever.

-I want a party with values.

-Reduce crime and disorder.

-Invade Birmingham!

-Pelted with porkpies!

Take your buttocks and sell them to the Chinese.

-I'm going to do that.

-Porkpie hats on a raptor.

-Kill a rabbit.

-Chicken undertakers.

-Beetroot juice!

-Chocolate Hobnobs.

-Macaroon.

-Cake mix.

-Cyborg.

-Tutti.

-Badger.

-Pigs and squirrels.

-Wif-waf!

-Helicopters!

-Bicycles.

-Bonk.

-Codswallop.

-What?

-Flabbergasted.

-Lipstick.

-Pussycat.

-Bisexual hermaphrodite.

-Very nice.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That....is a debate we'd all watch.

Elsewhere this week, big drama for Simon Cowell.

There was added drama and excitement

on the live final of Britain's Got Talent tonight.

A young woman appeared to get up from the orchestra

and pelted the judges, including Simon Cowell, with eggs.

# Ohhh!

# And, oh, to dream

# The impossible... #

One egg nearly hit Simon in the face,

but luckily, his belt protected him.

-LAUGHTER

-It's...it's a shame we're talking about eggs,

we should be talking about the winners.

They're called Attraction. Did you see them? They're amazing.

# Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh

# I wanna sing

# I wanna shout

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I wanna scream till the words dry out

# So put it in all of the papers

# I'm not afraid

# They can read all about it

# Read all about it, oh... #

Incredible, moving images there.

Mind you, have you seen their outtakes?

They're a bit full-on.

# Come on, come on

# You've gotta...

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

I tell you what,

I cannot wait to see them perform that at the Royal Variety.

This is a new bit of the show called Headliners,

where members of the public persuade me why they should be

making the headlines. Please welcome my Headliners!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Madam, what is your name?

-Michelle Sullivan.

Why should you be in the news?

I am the world record holder of the largest collection

of sheep collectables.

Are you the only person that collects?

Who is your nearest rival? I think it's me, with one.

-How many have you got?

-777.

-Get in!

How many sheep have you got, inflatable or otherwise?

-I have none.

-Would you like one?

-No.

OK.

-I've got a few sheep's skulls, though.

-There you go.

15-all in mad tennis.

Why have you been in the news?

I am in the news because I eat roadkill.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Interestingly, that look you gave the audience was the last look

animals give before they get run over.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What have you got there?

-I've got a badger's head.

Oh!

-Did you kill it?

-No. A head has five different tastes and textures.

Yeah. Rank,

filthy, disgusting, horrible and evil.

-You have obviously never tried one.

-Of course I haven't, it's a badger!

If you saw a vole with a lovely pot belly...

..and just before you saw him, he'd danced in peri-peri spice...

..would you put him on a George Foreman grill?

I have eaten a vole, but you don't eat the belly.

You don't eat the belly. What do you eat?

You eat the other bits.

Is this really upsetting you?

There was a moment where one of your sheep went,

"Oh, fucking hell."

I like you, my friend. You're a very interesting man.

It is commitment to come on TV and say you eat roadkill,

so you are my favourite Headliner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, check out what this man from Devon did.

What?! How hammered do you have to be? "I fucking hate peanuts."

"I fucking hate them. They're the most arrogant of all the nuts."

"Fucking hell, that ambulance is all right!"

Imagine him with the police. "She was gagging for it.

"I got my dick out and she went, 'Woo-woo!' "

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you think that is shocking,

it's got nothing on the horror going on in British schools.

Finally, they've done something about this.

A school in Essex has banned triangular flapjacks,

saying they are too dangerous.

The school in Canvey Island was told to cut them into squares

or rectangles after a pupil was hit in the face by a flying flapjack.

So ridiculous, isn't it? In America, kids are like, AK-47.

Over here, Mr Kipling.

Flapjacks. Do you reckon there's kids bragging outside school?

"I got suspended." "What for?"

"I was eating a flapjack that weren't shaped like an oblong.

"I don't give a fuck!"

School has really changed.

When I was at school, bullies gave you dead legs, Chinese burns.

Now, they're giving you snacks!

"You better watch out, Howard,

"or you'll get a taste of my mum's delicious Madeira cake."

"I wouldn't want to be you halfway through geography.

"You is going to have a well-bad sugar crash."

Next up, men, whatever you are doing, stop and pay attention.

This is truly incredible.

Squeezing... Exactly, squeezing boobs can prevent breast cancer!

This is amazing and I'm not the only one who is excited.

Yes! Yes!

Let's get started, baby.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's going to live!

Did you hear about this?

A local council candidate for UKIP faces criticism after

allegedly posting anti-gay comments on Facebook.

John Sullivan wrote that regular physical exercise in schools

can prevent homosexuality.

Exercise stops you being gay. How does that work?

"I love cock so much."

"Mmmm, tits!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Exercise stops you from being gay? That is bullshit.

Shall I tell you why, my friends? Two words - Louis Spence.

He is amazingly fit

and I don't know if you've noticed this about Louis...

..but when it comes to vagina, he ain't a diner.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who would have guessed it, but plastic surgery is bad for you.

A review into the UK's cosmetics industry has warned that

injections used to plump up the skin are a crisis waiting to happen.

Fillers are treated too casually and could go horribly wrong.

You're telling me!

You went for the cheap option and it backfired horribly?

"Buy cheap, buy twice," my mum always said.

-It looks really painful.

-It was agonising.

I won't downplay it.

Holy shit! It looks like a gibbon's arsehole.

She looks like she's been on a date with Chris Brown.

AUDIENCE GROANS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

He is, of course, an arsehole.

"Woman, that's not how you pronounce umbrella."

Now, why do women want big lips?

I've never heard a bloke go, "What do I like in a woman?

"I like it when they look like they're kissing a window."

It's madness. I've never caught a trout and gone,

"Fucking hell, he's all right!"

Well let's hope fish DO have a five-second memory.

Thwap!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Women are beautiful things. You don't need to change your body.

It's like women who have their anuses bleached.

What, are there men going, "She's pretty, she's clever,

"she's funny, but her arsehole's mauve.

"You know me, guys, I like mahogany sapphire."

Trust me, ladies, if you let a guy bum you,

he's not bothered about the colour.

He's not going down there with a Dulux colour chart.

"I'm terribly sorry, Cynthia, it's the wrong shade.

"Let's call the whole thing off."

Not that I'm against all plastic surgery. Did you hear about this?

-Now, THAT would be amazing.

-There you go, three pints.

-Cheers, mate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week. Did you hear about this?

A council in Buckinghamshire has given Wetherspoon's

permission to open a pub on the M40.

That's right, we're now going to have pubs on motorways!

How British is that! "God, I'm tired from all this driving.

"I need a Jagerbomb."

"Dave, I'm not sure you should be driving!"

-SLURRED:

-"I'm fine, leave me alone, you don't own me."

"Dave, you're not fine, you're still on the toilet.

"You've got a pasty in your hand. Dave, you've shat yourself."

Imagine driving when you're pissed.

How much will the satnav freak you out? "In 100 yards, bear left."

"Where?"

"I hate bears. I'm going back, I need another drink."

I love the reaction of people on Twitter.

Oh, yeah! We've actually got a photo of him parking.

When he stepped out of the car, he went, "Should have gone to... Aagh!"

Not that it's my favourite driving story of the week.

This is wonderful!

This dog is in the doghouse after causing his owner's truck to

crash into a house in Redding.

So what happened? How did a dog cause a crash?

The driver had his dog in the front seat of his truck with him.

The dog couldn't hold it any longer

and started going to the bathroom right in the centre of the truck.

That's right, his dog dropped his guts

and he crashed into a house.

"Mirror, signal... Oh, Rover! I said sit, you daft bastard. Sit!

"You've dumped everywhere!"

Christ, can you imagine what that car was like?

Well, that is going to change the ads.

"We buy any car... Except that one!"

The Churchill dog in the back, "Oh, no!"

Never have a dog in the front seat. Dogs don't give a toss.

When they've got to go, they've got to go.

That's right!

No animal has that level of arrogance.

"It's your wedding dress, is it?

"Been looking forward to this day all your life, have ya?

"Well, I need a piss.

"And I'm going to go on your ankle."

It's the way he swags up. "All right? Having a good day?

"That's where that goes."

-What's your name, my friend?

-My name's Jake.

-Of course it is.

Go on then.

Now, I have a theory, with a proper Cockney ding dong,

that you should be able to create love and harmony throughout,

but I need you to help me.

This is...

This is a traditional East London musical instrument.

A banana?!

What you have to do is, whenever there's a break in the music

or the song, you have to hold it up and shout, "Have a banana!"

-Right.

-There's another thing you need to do.

Every song in the Cockney style finishes exactly the same,

which goes like this.

# Da-da-da-da-da-da...

# How is your father? #

Fuck you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do it again, do it again. Do it again, I've got it.

# Da-da-da-da-da-da...

# How is your father? #

Ask Jeremy Kyle.

One more. One more. I've got one more.

# La-da-da-da-da...

# How's your father? #

He never calls me.

Over in China, there's been a magical discovery.

Is time travel possible? Well, perhaps.

A time travel tunnel apparently exists in China.

You're telling me. Here I am before I went in the tunnel.

And here I am afterwards.

From time travel to a filthy radish.

Have you heard about the latest piece of art taking Japan

by storm? Get ready for this. It's...

That's right - an art piece that shows you what a radish looks like

when it has an orgasm.

Do you want to see it? You know you do!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Yes! Yes!

ODD GROANING

What the sweet Mary fuck was that?

Who looks at a vegetable and thinks,

"I wonder what they sound like when they're shagging"?

Imagine if you heard your neighbour chopping up one of those.

"Officer, there's a man abusing women!"

"It's cool, he's just raping a turnip."

If veg is getting sexy, how long before you go to Tesco

and the carrots look like this?

Some peculiar health stories knocking around.

Doctors have discovered an evil new disease.

Watching your favourite soap opera could be bad for your health.

Doctors are worried we're becoming too much like the beer-guzzling,

butty-eating characters in the show.

Apparently soaps make you ill. You're telling me.

Five minutes of Emmerdale and you want to take your own life.

"Mr Dingle, come quick, it's the farm!

"Fucking Betty's sheep's got hiccups or something."

If doctors want soaps to be healthier,

it's really going to change EastEnders.

EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

Pat...

Pat.

What is it, Barry?

I think I've overdone the yoga.

EASTENDERS DRUMS PLAY

In sports news, scandal has hit the world of horse racing.

British horse racing has been hit by its biggest ever doping scandal

after 11 horses from the Godolphin stable were found to have

been drugged with banned steroids.

Apparently, they knew something was wrong

when the horses ran the race with the jockey in his arms.

"GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!

"Arrgggh!"

APPLAUSE

To be honest,

it's not horses on roids you want to worry about.

Some of them are on acid.

# I'll speak a little louder I'll even shout

# You know that I'm proud

# And I can't get the words out

# Oh, I... #

And it didn't end well for that fellow.

# Oh, I.... #

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Did you know that last Friday was the happiest day of the year?

You're telling me! I had a belter of a day.

# And it's always you and me, always

# And forever You and me... #

Hey, Pete! Pete! Weeeey!

Ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# You and me, always... #

AUDIENCE GROANS

PHRRT!

Do you know, I'm really going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too, you wonky-eyed fuck!

Aw...

Hey, Sugartits, let's bounce.

Ha-ha-ha!

HE MOUTHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I love that man. I love that man so much.

There you go. Hope you enjoyed that. Good night, my friends. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING