Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Boris Johnson revealed what he saw when he took mushrooms.

Shiny, happy people.

LAUGHTER

Over on BBC Breakfast,

they were asking the big political question on everyone's mind.

How high can Ed Miliband bounce?

And finally, did you see the moment

this reporter had an orgasm live on air?

..by the troubles of a Japanese carmaker.

Dave Harvey,

(VERY QUICKLY) BBC Points West, in Swindon.

"BBC Points West"!

The big political news

was all about UKIP's success in the local elections.

The political party once dismissed by the Conservatives

as loonies and clowns has tonight sent a shockwave

through the Westminster establishment.

The man celebrating tonight, Nigel Farage,

claims a sea change in British politics,

as UKIP take one in four votes and nearly 140 council seats.

Fair to say, not everyone was that happy.

TV: 'UKIP on the march, making major gains in the local elections.'

Oh, no!

HE CRIES

Oh, no!

"No!" I think I know why the kid's upset.

It's because people who support UKIP tend to say things like this.

When I was brought up, you did not see a brown face

or a black face or a yellow face or whatever.

And now you see them everywhere.

"They're everywhere.

"One looked after me in hospital. One teaches my kids.

"One owns my favourite restaurant. The country has gone to shit.

"When I was a kid, the country was full of honest,

"law-abiding white people like Jimmy Savile..."

LAUGHTER

"..Stuart Hall, Gary Glitter, people you could trust!"

If you think the kid was upset,

look what this guy thought of UKIP voters.

-They jumped into a

-BLEEP...

into a gorilla pit, stripped themselves naked,

greased their genitals and started screaming for UKIP, UKIP, UKIP!

Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me! Come and get me!

-What the

-BLEEP

-is going on?

I have no idea.

He needs to go easy on the Red Bull. Look what he said next.

-We are British! We have the

-BLEEP

-Queen.

-She's got hairy

-BLEEP

-goat legs.

The Queen's got goat legs?

"Shit, Philip!

"Philip!

"Philip, they're on to us."

"What are we going to do, Liz?"

The Queen has goat legs.

To be honest, I was pretty surprised that UKIP did so well.

Farage has been on the defensive all week.

There is nothing in UKIP that is racist in any way at all.

I don't know. This photo of one of their candidates doesn't look great.

What an idiot! That's like me appearing on a national chat show

next to one of the most evil men on telly.

One of Britain's finest stand-up comedians, Russell Howard!

That doesn't look good. It wasn't just the UKIP candidates in trouble.

Farage was getting heckled in the street.

-Are you thinking of voting for this man tonight?

-Yeah, why not?

-Racist homophobes.

-That man says racist and homophobes.

-Does he?

Well, there we are. I don't think we're homophobes.

LAUGHTER

"I mean, sure I'm a racist, but I'm not homophobic. I love bummers!

"In fact, it's the one type of Browntown I don't mind."

Bizarrely, Farage doesn't mind being heckled.

In fact, he seems to enjoy being slammed.

-Keep the abuse coming, boys. Keep it coming.

-OK.

You look like the eagle from the Muppets.

Mind you, for all his faults,

the one thing I will say about Farage - he does speak his mind.

Seems like you had a lot of fun at the press gallery lunch yesterday

with all the Westminster journalists.

You admitted you had been to a lap-dancing club in Strasbourg

whilst you have been an MEP.

-Is that something you do on all your trips?

-Yep.

"Yep. In fact, I think MP stands for Mmm, Pussy!

"I love pole dancers.

"Not Polish dancers, they should stay in Poland.

"But pole dancers, mmm."

Now, from politics to yet another famous broadcaster

falling from grace.

The broadcaster Stuart Hall

has been described as an opportunistic predator

after admitting 14 indecent assaults on children as young as nine.

In the 1970s, Stuart Hall was the face of the hugely popular game show

It's A Knockout, but on the same day that this episode was filmed in Ely,

he indecently assaulted a teenage girl.

What an arsehole.

I hope when he takes his first shower in prison,

some huge bloke bends him over and plays this.

"IT'S A KNOCKOUT" THEME TUNE

In fact, I hope someone commentates over it

like he used to do in football.

"Big Terry slams into Stuart Hall like the Greek God Achilles.

"He screams in pain like a lovesick whale.

"It's a knockout. No. It's a cock-out."

APPLAUSE

Just my opinion.

Although not everyone thinks we should be so harsh on Stuart.

Did you see what Helen Flanagan said?

What?! Helen, he's a paedo!

"What? He's a boat that you move with your legs?"

No, Helen. That's a pedalo.

They're very different things. He's a kiddie fiddler.

"Oh, he's a really small violinist?"

No. No.

It's such a depressing story, isn't it? Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall.

It's like my childhood's falling apart.

Who are we going to see accused next, this guy?

Let's be honest, it doesn't look good for Pat.

He likes putting packages into small slots

and he hangs out with young pussy. It doesn't look good.

What a week, though. Stuart Hall, UKIP growing in power.

It's so depressing, man.

It almost feels like at the end of the news, they should show us

one thing just to cheer us up, and I may have found just the thing.

Whenever the news is particularly soul-crushing,

I say they end it with this.

MONKEY CHUCKLES

Come on. It would work. Would that not work?

Imagine. Imagine that on the news.

Next up, did you see the man who built the world's largest jigsaw?

It took 35 days of cutting

for Dave to create his 40,000 piece tribute to the Queen's Jubilee.

I was going non-stop every day for about...

..between eight and ten hours a day.

Finally, his life's work was complete

and ready to exhibit at Sandringham, the Queen's country retreat.

What happened next?

Dave was just pressing down a few uneven pieces

when he pushed a little too hard.

Poor sod!

"There you go, 40,000 pieces, my life's work...

"Oh, there's a bit sticking out.

"I'll just put that back, I am a bit of a perfectionist,

"I want to get it right. I love the Queen.

"Some people say she's got goat legs, those people are wrong."

"I'll just put this last bit in..."

-CRRRRRR!

-"I've wasted my life!"

Did you see his wife's reaction? I bet she was gutted.

SHE LAUGHS

"It were the funniest thing I've ever seen!

"He was in pieces, like his fucking jigsaw!"

Poor bloke! Have a look at it again.

Look at the little walk he does when it falls.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

HE WHIMPERS

He's so calm. "Oh, well. Never mind.

"Start again, pick up a corner, no problem."

-I'd have been,

-"BLEEP BLEEP!

-Suck my

-BLEEP,

-you

-BLEEP,

-you

-BLEEP,

-"BLEEPing

-hoverpig!"

It would kill me. Christ, I lose my shit over tiny things.

I once stubbed my toe and actually turned to the wall

and said, "What the fuck are you laughing at?"

In fact, the only thing that would have calmed me down

in that moment would've been this.

MONKEY CHUCKLES

But it wasn't just his wife laughing at him.

Even the news started taunting him.

He'd love to go back and undo his little error

but sadly, life doesn't come with a rewind button.

AUDIENCE GROANS

"Life doesn't come with a rewind button."

HE PANTS

If only it did, I'd travel back to 1992 and simply say,

"Mum, don't cut my hair."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Talking of people who wish they could rewind life,

did you hear about this prank in America that went wrong?

He's going to jail for letting off a stink bomb.

I love this story for two reasons.

One, the name of the spray he used and two,

the way his wife pronounces it.

NEWSREADER: This is a bottle of...

Liquid Ay-ass.

-What's it called?

-Liquid Ay-ass.

-I cannot stop saying it.

Just saying it makes you feel happy. On three, one, two, three...

-AUDIENCE: Liquid Ay-ass!

-It feels good, doesn't it?

See, you're probably thinking,

"I bet he's only going to jail for a couple of days."

Oh, no, here he is. Look how long he's going for.

It was just a harmless prank.

Now, I'm looking at 90 days in jail.

90 days in jail for letting off a stink bomb?!

I think we all know what he'll get if he goes in the showers.

Liquid Ay-ass.

Now, from Liquid Ay-ass to an amazing story about fancy dress.

Members of the Women's Institute got a bit of a shock when they dressed up

as pirates to hear a speech from a retired sea captain about piracy.

Here they are, dressed up.

Aw, lovely, they're dressed as pirates.

I wonder what happened next?

The light-hearted gesture went wrong

when they realised their speaker, Colin Darch,

seen here in the middle, had actually been kidnapped by Somali pirates

and held hostage for 47 days.

"Hiya!

"Shiver me timbers! Walk the plank!

"Why is he crying?"

"What? He was savagely beaten and held at gunpoint?

"Lose the parrot."

Science news, now. Have you heard who's going to Mars?

This is a trip that could test the very best of marriages.

A multi-millionaire tycoon is searching for an older couple

-to travel to Mars.

-They're going to put pensioners in space.

I can't wait to see the launch.

Apollo 15, commencing countdown.

"Ooh, Countdown, I bloody love that programme.

"Do you know what I like? The music."

IMITATES COUNTDOWN THEME TUNE

-ENGINES ROAR

-"Fucking heeeell!"

They'll be brilliant.

"This is Mission Control, what's your position?"

"Well, I'm sat down and Roger's having a nap."

HE STIFLES A LAUGH

Mind you, it's not all fun.

Have you seen their living conditions?

The pair will spend 16 months together in a capsule no bigger

than a garden shed with no showers

and drinking water made from recycled sweat.

HE WHISTLES, AUDIENCE GROANS

I think we all know what that room's going to smell like.

Liquid Ay-ass!

Thank God they haven't got showers.

No-one wants to see an old man's bollocks in zero gravity.

Just...whoa! Just floating around, like a fleshy lava lamp.

Whaaa!

Eurgh, sorry, I can taste that joke!

To be honest, it isn't the pensioners I feel sorry for,

it's the poor bastard at Mission Control who has to listen

to them rambling on.

OK, Shuttle Tiberius, you are clear for comms, over.

Oh, Mission Control, I remember the first time I saw Alan Titchmarsh.

I went weak at the knees!

I thought, "You can trim my rosebush any day!"

Nick Knowles, I don't like...

Listen, I like prunes but prunes do not like me. Oh!

Man flu? Bloody pathetic. I've had five children, Mission Control.

I'd rather have a runny nose

than squeeze a kid out of my bloody noo-nar!

Oh, fuck this!

-BANG!

-Arggghhhh!

APPLAUSE

Next up, did you see what a robot on Mars did?

This is true. Did you see it? Look at that.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

A robot did that! Mind you, that's nothing.

They drew an even bigger dick on the other side.

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about,

a mystery guest who's been in the news,

I have to figure out who that person is

so please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-There's a lot going on here, isn't there?

-There is.

-Nice to meet you, I'm Russell.

-Hi, Russell. I'm Jo.

-Hey, Jo.

-Thanks for coming on the show.

-Pleasure.

You appear to have a lot of decapitated mannequins.

-It looks that way, doesn't it?

-It very much does.

Presumably it's got something to do with kind of first aid?

-Am I close?

-Kind of.

-OK.

-Go a bit further than first aid.

Bit further...second aid?

-OK, so I'm fairly close with first aid.

-Yeah.

Um...I know exactly what it is.

-Do you work for the St John's Ambulance?

-No.

-Damn!

-I was so confident then.

-You're not too far off.

-OK. Paramedic?

-You are.

-Yes! He gets it!

-CHEERING

Lovely. Thank you very much.

Why have you been in the news specifically?

That's for my work as an advanced paramedic.

Excellent, that's worth a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have you done?

Well, I set up a unit to do response care out in the community

-instead of sending them to hospital so it frees up hospital beds.

-OK.

The only thing you don't have at hospital is the alcohol gel

-which is quite nice.

-Oh, you like that?

-I quite like it.

I spent a week in hospital and I'll mention this,

this is how I could've done with being looked after by you

where I had no access to stuff like this.

-I smeared it on my balls.

-Ooh!

Because I was so bored. Honestly, I wanted to... I had...

I don't know why I did it. I had a week of utter boredom

and I'm talking instant regret. Literally, my brain went,

"I wonder what it'll be like to put it on my balls?"

-And I put it on and the yelp I made...

-Cool?

-And then I...

-Cold?

-No, it's the, "Owww!"

And then a nurse came, "Are you all right?"

You're like, "Oh, I'm in the toilet."

If there's any mums at home that struggle waking up their teenage...

Actually, DON'T do that. Don't go there!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-"Mum, what's wrong with you?"

No, let them sleep! Let 'em sleep.

So, talking of that, what's the most compromising situation

you've ever found someone in? I bet it doesn't get weirder than...

-Well, we got a call once to somebody that had a penis injury.

-Right.

And it was obviously...

We'd got it as a penis injury after a compromising position.

-Did you just help him or just laugh?

-No, I didn't look.

-You didn't look?

-No.

-What had he done?

Um...I think he'd just torn it a little bit.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Well, Natalie Imbruglia did warn us.

-Yep!

I'm pretty sure that's what

-that song was about, wasn't it?

-Could well be.

What I love now, there's a settling over the audience where girls

are going, "I dunno," and men have gone to a very deep, calm place.

-It's sore.

-I imagine it is, yeah. Yeah.

So are we going to do anything else?

We are, we'll see if you scrub up well as a paramedic.

-I look forward to that.

-Yes.

AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We would appear to be outside an ambulance.

What are we going to do, Jo?

Well, we've been told by our control it's an accident

-and you're going to show me what a good paramedic you are.

-OK.

-Right.

-Are you ready?

-Yep, born ready. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help!

-What do you think has gone on?

-What do I think has gone on?

-Yeah.

Well...

LAUGHTER

I don't know. What do you think has happened?

I think there might be a little accident there.

-Yeah, I think you're right.

-I think they're going to need our help.

-Yeah, I'll help you.

-Hold on a second. Always look for dangers.

-So, you have got to take that dog off first.

-Right, take the dog off first.

-Yeah.

-Hello, sir. I hadn't noticed your leg there.

-My leg hurts a little bit.

-Yeah, it looks pretty bad.

-I've got a javelin through my head. I'm halfway up a dog.

-I know.

And I've got a liquid arse.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's the last one that's the most embarrassing.

What would you like to do first?

Pull my dog off.

AUDIENCE: Wahey!

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's it. Oh, it really... Oh! Ah! Ah!

Oh, my God!

Ah, you fucker!

Let him die. Let him die.

-Bandage.

-What? Yeah, bandage.

Arm injury. Bandage. Get it on there, quick.

-You're going to be all right. Let's get you...

-Nice and tight.

Let's get you through.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, God.

-Well, there's more of that than I was expecting.

He has gone full Carrie.

Get the bandage round there as well.

-Yeah, I will.

-Come on.

Bandage my javelin.

Right, that's you sorted. That's perfect.

Hold that in your mouth.

-Right, he's good to go. Right, what's next?

-Next.

This might smart.

Amazing.

APPLAUSE

-It's a miracle.

-It is a miracle.

LAUGHTER

-Are you ready?

-No! No!

-No?

-No. Never pull it out.

-I think he needs that out.

-Neck brace.

-Leg brace?

-Neck brace.

-Neck brace. Which is that?

-Neck brace. That's the one.

-That one? Yeah, let's put him in that.

LAUGHTER

No.

That'll do. Perfect.

It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right.

That's not going to help him at all. No, it's got to go round his neck.

He just said he wants to go to Switzerland.

I'll tell you what, let's just get him off to hospital,

get him in the wheelchair, yeah?

There he is. Let's just sort his neck out first.

-Dignitas? You want to go to Dignitas?

-Yeah.

-Excellent. Wonderful. Here we go.

-Right, let's get him on this.

Get him in the chair. Do you want me to hold the chair?

He's going to be all right.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't need that. I don't need it. He's going to be fine.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up...

Right, let's get him to hospital.

Please give it up for my mystery guest

and the wonderful Steve Hall.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, what else has been happening?

Did you hear about this?

So, did people offer useful names? Not really.

And my personal favourite...

I think we all know what she should go with.

Liquid Ay-ass.

Over in New Zealand, check out what this bloke wants to do to cats.

Economist Gareth Morgan has initiated a website called Cats To Go.

He wants people to consider making their current cat their last one.

Morgan states, "That little ball of fluff you own

"is a natural born killer."

He wants to rid the world of cats.

Some people have started already.

LAUGHTER

It's insane. Imagine a world without cats.

It doesn't bear thinking about.

AUDIENCE: Oh.

No!

MUSIC: Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber

Why?!

Son of a bitch!

Aaargh!

LAUGHTER

HE ROARS

Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

Why?!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Fuck cats.

Right, Rover?

Damn straight.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next up, a wonderful story about a family from Virginia.

My favourite quote of all time was our furnace repair man.

He comes into the house, stops dead in his tracks and says,

"This looks like some kind of United Nations meeting."

I was born in Bangkok.

-Bangalore, India.

-Connecticut.

I was born in Romania.

-Ethiopia.

-In China.

'Sharon is the gas pedal and I am the brakes.

'Over and over, she will say,

'"I found this child who needs X and Y and Z'

"and all we have to do is fly over the ocean, get funding,

"connect this dot to here and it would be done."

People discouraged us. They thought we were going to ruin our lives by

taking all these special kids. They said, "You don't know what to do."

And it is true that we had no experience and we didn't really know

how to raise them but you see what happens with unconditional love.

'You give a person unconditional love and they blossom.'

It took me decades to figure this out.

There is no physical thing that you can buy that is actually going

to give you true peace and happiness.

And the pure joy that will come from a rescue and a ransom of a child's

life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine.

You think that they don't really know the gravity of them

being rescued or saved.

Then you will see them in an external setting like one of them

is in front of 300 people last Friday night and he tells people that he

probably wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been adopted by this family.

I feel like having these kids has really helped us

find our life, find our meaning, find our purpose.

APPLAUSE

They're beautiful.

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.

Farewell.

CHEERING