Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, thanks very much!

-Hello!

-CHEERING

And welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

BBC Breakfast interviewed the expert who fixed Boris Johnson's laptop.

I mean, it was teeming with filth.

And what was his response?

Yes, yes, yes! Yes. And that was a good thing.

Here's a question for you,

does anyone else find this reporter really scary?

If you keep watching me for the next minute or so

you will find out the results.

I don't want to know the results!

Hey, don't you just love it

when the news catches a baby having a tantrum?

But is this a blip or a breakthrough?

And, finally, over on Newsnight Jeremy Paxman said "vagina".

Vagina.

Cheers, Jeremy!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, the big prime news was definitely this.

Three young women who went missing in the American state of Ohio

around a decade ago have turned up safe.

They were all found in a house in Cleveland

after a neighbour heard screams.

Did you see the interview on the news with the neighbour?

He is amazing.

Listen to his description of the moment he found the girls.

Well, I knew something was wrong

when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms.

Something is wrong here. Dead giveaway. Dead giveaway!

-I'll say thank you very much...

-Dead giveaway!

Thank you very much for your time.

Either she's homeless or she's got problems!

That's the only reason why she running to a black man.

Thank you for being here, man.

Now...

..from "dead giveaways" to the end of an era.

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement.

Sir Alex Ferguson IS to retire.

His retirement has sent shockwaves through the world of football.

-For almost three decades...

-1,500 games...

..trophy after trophy.

..the most successful manager in English football history.

Thank fuck he's going.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Not a fan. So...

what was the secret to Fergie's success?

Well, fair to say, he had a bit of a temper.

David Beckham was once hit by a flying boot which his manager

had furiously kicked across the dressing room.

It was a graze.

That's nothing, he shouted at Ryan Giggs for so long he gave him a...

Liquid ass.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And look what he did to the youth team.

Mind you, he wasn't always harsh to his players,

he was clearly a HUGE fan of Dion Dublin.

"Christ, it was like a fucking Toblerone.

"It was so big I once brought on as a substitute by mistake!

"Had a good game although, ironically,

"it lacked penetration in the box..."

"..but, Christ, could it dribble! Oh!"

GROANING

APPLAUSE

Now, aside from Fergie's obsession with Dion's wang,

he was famous for the phrase, "The hairdryer treatment."

Basically, he'd shout at players so much

his breath felt like a hairdryer.

My mum, God bless her, genuinely thought the hairdryer treatment

meant Alex Ferguson did this.

The fuck was that?

You call that a fucking performance?!

It's the worst I've seen in my life!

DROWNED OUT BY HAIRDRYER

Out on the fucking field. Cannae believe it!

What do I pay you for?!

Jesus, Dion, put it away!

APPLAUSE

Ha-ha-ha! Now...

Whoa-ha!

Once Fergie had left there was only one question,

"Who would succeed him?"

Rumour is already rife over who will replace him.

-David Moyes.

-Jose Mourinho.

-Moyes.

-Mourinho.

-Moyes.

-Mourinho.

-Moyes.

-Mourinho.

Gandalf.

Oddly, they didn't go with Gandalf, they went with Gollum.

From football to HUGE film news.

Now, in a significant boost to the British film industry, the latest

instalment of the Star Wars franchise will be made here in the UK.

They're making Star Wars in the UK! Please, set it in Bristol. Please.

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-"Darth Vader, get I some Hubba Bubba.

"Luke, I am your father. I'll prove it, let's go on Jeremy Kyle."

Or in Essex. How great would that be?

-ESSEX ACCIDENT:

-"What's wrong, Yoda?"

"Upset, I am. Vajazzle, they have given me."

Christ, I hope they don't go around dressed in character.

If C-3PO walks the streets some fucker will send him to Cash4Gold.

There'll be gangs in London!

"What happened to R2-D2? We traded him in at Cash Converters.

"And now we got us a juicer!"

"It's a really good way of getting your five a day."

Oh, that's the silliest joke I've ever done.

Now, I may be excited but, fair to say,

die-hard American fans, little bit annoyed.

You sons of bitches,

they're going to fucking SimCity the entire fucking franchise!

I can't believe they're doing this shit to me!

Jabba goes shitty!

Mind you, that's not my favourite tantrum of the week.

Oh, yes!

From Star Wars to period dramas, did you hear about this?

I've actually got hold of a sneak preview.

Ladies, there's a new man arriving at Downton Abbey.

BOTH: Ooh!

It says here his name is Dion Dublin.

Ah!

APPLAUSE

From Downton Abbey to an insane new gun.

Anti-gun campaigners in America have criticised a project

that's managed to produce a plastic weapon using a 3-D printer.

The handgun has been successfully test fired

and its creators say they plan to make the blueprints available online.

There's now, exactly, there is now technology in America

where you can print a gun.

That's going to change the shooting range, innit? "AK-47, you?"

"Hewlett-Packard."

People are worried it's going to lead to a spate of killings.

I don't know, most of us are shit with technology.

"Right, I'm going to kill you. Control, P."

"Control, P...Mum!

"Mum, what's a syntax error?

"I HAVE loaded the toner, Mum.

"You're a dead man, just as soon as I call the helpline."

Or, even worse, what if you're dyslexic?

"I'm going to shoot you with my...

"Oh, bollocks, I've printed a nun."

Let's be honest though, we're not going to print guns, are we?

Most of us still struggle with basic things like Skype!

It's true, have a look at this lady sending a Christmas message to her family.

Are you ready to dingle your bells?

Let's do this.

MUSIC: "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms

# Stroke-a my, lick-a my

# Suck-a my cock. #

It's incredible.

It's... Isn't it?

Because you start watching it and you're like,

"Oh, God, something bad is going to happen!

"Oh, no, she just played the filthiest song ever to her parents."

I love it and it's even better the second time.

# Stroke-a my, lick-a my

# Suck-a my cock.

APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week. Did you see this brilliant story?

Have a look at why a shop up North has had to stop selling peanuts.

A supermarket chain in the north of England has withdrawn bags of peanuts

from sale because they contain nuts.

Ha-ha!

That's right, they've withdrawn nuts

because they didn't have a sign on them saying, "May contain nuts."

How thick do they think people are?!

"Oh, peanuts! I wonder what's in there?"

"Maybe it's a bicycle!"

"Or maybe, maybe it's a hover pig?!"

"I'd love a hover pig.

"Hovering above me...like a pig."

Also, aren't they missing the obvious?

People with nut allergies, probably not going to eat fucking nuts!

My brother's got epilepsy, he very rarely goes,

"Oi, Russ, pass me that strobe light.

"Way-y-y-y-y!"

It's ridiculous!

APPLAUSE

"Way-y-y-y-y-y!"

It's not peanuts you need to warn people about it's Christmas songs!

# Stroke-a my, lick-a my

# Suck-a my cock!

Still, a story about nut allergies has got nothing on this.

Have you heard about Victoria Beckham's beauty regime?

Women have tried many things in the search for eternal beauty.

Victoria Beckham is said to be a fan of the bird-poop facial,

which uses nightingale excrement as an exfoliant.

GROANING

She lets birds poo on her! Christ, no wonder she doesn't smile!

How weird is that? Beckham's out playing footy,

she's in the garden covered in bread. Just...

"Shit on me, my pretties!"

Mind you, this treatment isn't for everyone.

Especially if you struggle around birds.

At this show, er...

HE SCREAMS

Ah!

Not that Posh's scat obsession was my favourite celebrity story.

God bless The Sun newspaper.

The Guardian, the Telegraph, they were asking things like,

"Should we leave the EU? Should we intervene in Syria?"

The Sun, they were asking the question on everyone's mind...

We were all thinking it, you be the judge.

I'm going to say no. That is not Jay-Z,

that is clearly a man in the past

that happens to look a bit like Jay-Z.

You're probably thinking they left it at that.

Oh, no. The next day they printed a load of other celebrities

they reckon could travel through time.

Justin Timberlake...

..Rupert Grint...

..Keith Richards...

..and my personal favourite - Borat. Look at that!

They had Borat as fucking Stalin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I saw some mad relationship stories in the news.

Over in Japan, have you heard about Love Your Wife Day?

HE SHOUTS IN JAPANESE

These men in Japan have been expressing their love very publicly.

The shouting is all part of Love Your Wife Day,

an annual event which sees 12 men taking to a stage in a public

car park and declaring their love for their other half.

HE SHOUTS IN JAPANESE

That's not love,

they look like they're trying to shit out a hedgehog.

Also, showing your love in a public car park,

I'm pretty sure that's dogging, isn't that dogging?

Apparently it's quite a big thing in Japan.

People in the street cheer,

"Oh, ain't that lovely? He loves his wife, yay!"

Imagine that in England.

It would be very, very different.

-SHOUTS:

-I love my wife!

Bit gay.

From loving your wife

to accidentally shooting her in the face, did you...

Did you... Stay with me! Did you hear this?

A woman in Brazil has survived being shot in the mouth

with a harpoon by her husband.

Elisangela Rosa's partner, was cleaning his spear

when it fired, apparently accidentally.

The harpoon pierced through her mouth and the top of her spine.

Doctors say it came within one centimetre of killing her.

Holy shit!

He accidentally shot his wife in the mouth with a harpoon.

She will never have to lift a finger again.

"Oh, oh, oh, you don't want to clean the dishes?

"You shot me in the face with a harpoon!"

What I want to know, who the fuck cleans their harpoon like this?

"Left a bit..."

"..left a bit, Sandra..."

"..open your mouth! Open your mouth!

"Oh, what have I done?!

"I've shot you in the face..."

"..and it's all in your mouth!"

Still, she got her own back.

A spear in the mouth is nothing - look what she did to his dick.

Now, incredibly...

..that isn't the most shocking relationship story from Brazil.

Prepare yourself, this is insane.

Have a look at how a woman tried to kill her husband.

The Brazilian man says his wife tried to kill her

"by putting poison in her vagina."

Whoa!

She tried to poison her what?!

-Vagina.

-Cheers, Jeremy.

Did you see how she tried to kill him?

Invited!

"Dear Sir, we request the pleasure of your company at an evening

"we're calling Death By Minge."

In all... And she was like this. "Meh?"

"Meh? Meh-he-he-he?"

"A little bit of fanny?"

"No." "Why not?"

"Because it's fucking hissing."

I love this bit. Look at this, right.

That and the fact it was green!

"Jesus, I'm not being funny, love...

"it looks like Yoda's ear."

Now, as you can imagine, people on the internet went crazy.

Check out this guy.

You realise that this man, he never going to eat pussy

again in his life, it's over for him, with the pussy.

He's not going to eat it.

He may turn gay.

Such an overreaction.

"That one's green, I turn my back on your entire people."

APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please, welcome our mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Hello, man, how are you?

-Hi, Russell.

-How are you?

-Nice to meet you. Well, this is... What was your name?

-Antony.

Antony, excellent. Well, this is very complicated.

There's ballet, there's jive records and you're dressed as a soldier.

That's correct. WOLF WHISTLING

And a wolf whistle!

-Great, thank you.

-Lovely!

Nice to have you in, fellas.

-So, has it got anything to do with ballet?

-Not ballet.

-You don't strike me as a ballerina.

-Not ballet, no.

So, why have you got ballet shoes?

-Is that someone you beat up and you nicked their goods?

-No.

So, has it got something to do with dance?

It has got something to do with dance, yes.

-Are you a wonderful dancer?

-I am a dancer, yes.

-Oh, lovely stuff.

-What kind of stuff?

-Modern jive.

-You're a modern jiver?

-Mm-hm.

But what's the connection with the Army?

Is that a new way of bedazzling the enemy?

-Shazam!

-It would work, wouldn't it?

# Da-da da-da Da-da-da da-da. #

-Confuse them, most likely.

-It would really work!

Imagine that. Just imagine, we're going to the camera.

So, that's the enemy, there, the camera. You do a little dance.

-All right.

-Just...dance at the enemy.

-OK. So, I'll do a little shimmy.

Yeah.

Go, get them! Bang.

APPLAUSE

Might work.

-It could.

-So, why have you been in the news exactly?

OK, obviously, as you can tell, I am in the Army.

Basically, I've taken some time out of normal service

to go and compete in the European modern jive champs,

-where I managed to secure two silver medals for the country.

-Get in!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-So, can anyone learn to jive dance?

Could I become a jive dancer?

I'm going to teach you three to four moves of a modern jive

and we're going to put them into a little routine,

-and you're going to dance to a song in front of this lovely crowd.

-Gah.

-CHEERING

-So, here we are.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fancy.

I'm not going to lie...

..I've seen myself in the mirror and I look like an Amish Olly Murs.

-So, what we going to do?

-We're going to teach you some modern jive.

Then we're going to teach you something called a drop.

The first thing, we need to loosen you off before we go.

-So, with dancing it's all about the hips and showing off your body.

-Yeah.

First of all, stick your chest out a bit, head up high.

What I want you to do then is wiggle your hips.

CHEERING

So, go on, so, we've got to wiggle our hips.

If you push your heel down, put your foot slightly forward,

that will push your arse out.

-All right.

-From here we are going to practise moving in a circular motion.

-So, as we're going round...

-Oh, yeah!

CHEERING

You try. Come on. So, wiggle...

-go all the way round.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-CHEERING

That was amazing. Your arse was supersonic.

Thanks?

It was, it was just... Yeah.

It was like, it was like, honestly, I felt like the sun

and my favourite planet was just going around me.

Shall we assume we've done a Uranus gag? Let's assume.

Next we're going to focus on your arms. I want to see arms up.

If you pretend you're holding an egg, all right? It's instant styling.

-Really?!

-Yeah, hold an egg and put it up.

Move your fingers out.

That's it. So, as you put your arm up it's an instant style.

Very different if you are holding a chicken, isn't it?

Last but not least, obviously, facial expressions.

I want you to give a bit of, "I'm better than you," a bit of arrogance.

So, because...

-Actually, that's... No, yeah, that's really good.

-OK, so...

"You seen the size of his egg?!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Because I've seen you dance before...

-Yes.

-..I brought a couple of my dance partners with me this evening,

to help you out. So I'd like you to give a big round of applause,

from South Wales, we've got Lindsay and Amy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello!

Hello, nice to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you. How are you?

-Are you all right? Awesome.

-So, the first move, OK, is the side to side.

-Right, lovely.

-So, you're going to push the lady away from you.

-Nicely. Nicely, Russell.

-Sorry, sorry.

So, you're gently going to push the lady away from you, stepping out.

OK, so, like that.

I want you to bring your elbow to the lady's elbow and face the audience.

-Remembering that egg for poise.

-Oh...yeah.

-Get your egg out!

That is the first move but this is the end move, OK?

It's called the snake and it looks like this.

Let's have a go at that.

-The way we go into that, OK, is we're left to right.

-Yeah.

And all you're going to do is, with your left leg,

-you're going to take her down and rest her on your knee.

-Oh, God!

Now, from here all you got to do is let go

-and let the ladies do their thing.

-Yeah, I'm going, I'm going.

-She's going! There she goes!

-There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-There you go.

-OK, so, are you ready, Russell?

-Born ready.

OK, so let's cue music.

OK, so, start to get into the rhythm.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

Step and in, back and in.

Once across...

and in.

Away and in, away, back across.

Spin.

Now the lady...

-and spin.

-Oh, sorry.

-Do some arrogant walks around your partner.

-What am I doing?

-Back to the start position.

-All right.

Arrogance, come on! Arrogance!

And in, away, in, away.

Pass across. CHEERING

-Get ready for the snake.

-Snake!

-Turnaround.

-Uh-uh-uh. I know this bit.

And through the legs - very good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Let's leave the floor. Come on.

-Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Awesome. Come on, up you get, that was amazing. I'm so sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, give it up for my amazing mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What else has been going on?

Over in Argentina one bloke had a bit of a mix-up.

Pet buyer in Argentina thought he was getting a pair of pricey poodles.

He thought he was getting a bargain, what he actually got were ferrets

pumped up on steroids and then groomed to look like pricey pooches.

That's right, he went to buy some poodles

and got ferrets pumped up on steroids.

What an idiot, have a look at it again.

How?!

HOW did he think that was a poodle?!

Looks like an old dinner lady's bush.

GROANING

Staying in South America,

have you seen the latest craze hitting the streets of Mexico?

This is the furry movement and it's sweeping northern Mexico.

Converts design their own animal costumes,

often based on cartoon characters, and then go out and about.

What a bunch of dicks!

"Look at me, I'm an otter!" Just be comfy in your own skin.

You don't see gibbons, "Oh, I'd love to dress like an estate agent."

I just don't get it. I mean, look at this bloke.

Adrian Diaz, who dresses as a fox,

is just one of the 86 furries in the Mexican city of Monterrey.

He explains that, although the movement is growing,

some people still look at him strangely.

Because you're dressed as a fox!

What I don't get, why would you want to be a fox?

If you want to be a creature that eats from bins

and shags in hedges just go on Jeremy Kyle.

Now, to be honest, I hate this story so much

but that's because, for a while, yeah, yeah...

I was a furry but...

Oh, funny, real funny, yeah.

Big Daddy laugh-laugh.

..I had an incident that made me stop for ever.

No, I'm human!

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, I've got myself a talker, ha-ha!

I'm a human!

Ah-h-h-h-h-h!

Ah! Ah-h-h-h!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ah!

Ah-h-h.

Shouldn't laugh. Did you see what I got the next day?

Liquid ass.

APPLAUSE

Now, the tragic events in Boston last month wrecked lives,

but this is the story of one woman's inspirational approach to recovery.

I have been dancing my entire life.

It's hard to describe how much I love dancing -

it's a feeling I get that is not like any other.

I feel like flying when I dance.

CHEERING

On April 15 I was at the Boston Marathon,

walking around with my husband.

We had just come home from Afghanistan

and we were just out enjoying the sunshine.

It was a beautiful Boston day.

EXPLOSION

All of a sudden the bomb went off,

probably about four feet away from where we were standing.

We landed on the ground and I thought,

"I think I'm going to be OK, I'm not in any pain,"

and then I tried to move my leg and I couldn't.

I remember the smell and I remember the smoke,

and thinking that I was going to die. It was awful.

I wanted my family so badly and that's what I just kept thinking of.

We were there the minute she woke up.

Adrian came out of surgery

and I had to tell her that her foot was no longer there,

knowing that would be very painful for her because of dance.

I am incredibly nervous to do the prosthetic

and I know I'm going to start out and have some very humbling

moments getting used to it but I absolutely will dance again.

I find my optimism because I feel like you have two choices,

you can either be the one sitting eating potato chips

and not having friends, and not talking to people, and...

and being sorry for yourself.

Or you can say, "You know what? This is who I am now."

I wouldn't let one of my students come to me and say,

"This happened to me," I wouldn't let them say that their life was over.

I'm hopeful for the future and hopeful to dance again.

Lovely, eh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.

Good night.

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