Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh...and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening? Well, here's a tip.

If you're live on air, careful what you say.

-You're going to retire, Sarah Jane?

-Yes. This is my last year skating.

It's a real shame, cos I was thinking...

Did you see any potential in a threesome kind of thing?

That's nothing! Did you see George Osborne perving on Susanna Reid?

The Chancellor himself is here to tell us more.

LAUGHTER

Over on Midlands Today,

this lady wins my award for scariest close-up of the week.

-Yes, Jeremy, thank you.

-Yes, thank you. Now, a decision will be made...

LAUGHTER

Aaargh!

Did anyone else see that guy in the House of Commons giving

advice on how to annoy a cat?

You get a bit of string, lay it out on the floor,

you give it a little twitch, and when the cat pounces, you pull it away.

Oh, lovely. And what do you do when you've caught him?

Jesus!

So what else has been going on? Well, bad news for badgers.

A controversial badger cull gets under way today in parts of England

to tackle the spread of tuberculosis in cattle.

This guy was delighted.

Thousands of people marched through London to try

and stop the cull, but the best thing,

halfway through the march, the BNP tried to scare them off.

And what happened to the BNP?

They were chased through London by women dressed as badgers!

How great is that?

It's amazing.

Huge skinhead bigots were frightened of this lot.

LAUGHTER

It must have been SO funny.

# No surrender! No surrender! #

Aargh! Badger girls! They're black and white!

I don't know whether to love them or hate them!

What's black and white and red all over?

A badger protester kicking the shit out of a racist.

CHEERING

It wasn't just girls marching,

Bill Oddie did an interview urging people to ban the cull.

Unfortunately, he got so carried away, I think

he had an orgasm live on air.

Thank you very much for joining us, Bill.

First of all, what's your particular objection to this cull?

Oh...

HE GRUNTS AND MOANS

Mind you, no wonder he came. I think he was getting a reach-around from a badger.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The best thing, thanks to freeze-frame technology, you can

now spot the exact moment he climaxed.

Oh...

Oh...

Geronimo!

From badgers to the Messiah.

Now, we all know Jesus has appeared in places before.

Frying pans,

takeaways,

even dogs' arseholes. But...

LAUGHTER

But it turns out, this time, he's really back.

There's a man living in rural Australia who claims

that he is Jesus and his wife is Mary Magdalene.

I have very clear memories of the crucifixion, but it wasn't

as harrowing for me as was for Mary and others who were present.

An Aussie bloke claims he's Jesus!

Can you turn water into wine?

No, Fosters.

Christianity, good call!

Imagine the crucifixion.

Fellas, this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to get nailed.

But Aussie Jesus! How great will be hymns be?

Imagine that on Songs Of Praise.

# Dance then, wherever you may be

# Jesus Christ is now an Aussie,

# I get pissed up and I love a barbie

# And I cured myself when I got VD! #

LAUGHTER

It will be amazing.

# Give me joy in my heart, I'm an Aussie

# Give me joy in my heart, thank God

# I got so pissed on a crate full of tinnies

# That I fucked my Auntie Carol's dog. #

It gets so much better.

So what did he do before he realised he was Jesus? Was he a carpenter? Did he perform miracles?

Oh, no...

I am the son of God!

Yeah, Tony, just press CTRL ALT DELETE.

Maybe he should go back to IT? He's not exactly the greatest Jesus.

CONGREGATION SING

'king brilliant.

Now back in Blighty, while we are talking religion, don't you hate

it when people interrupt the news with their preachy messages?

The idea that if Labour were to win power in 2015...

If you're going to heckle someone, do it properly!

The idea that if Labour were to win power in 2015...

Now, from religion to a truly terrifying story from Wales.

Now, an earthquake has been reported in the area around West Wales this morning.

Holy shit! An earthquake in Wales!

What kind of devastation did it cause?

We've got a TV at the end of the bed that nearly fell off its stand.

Nooooooooo!

His telly nearly slipped!

It gets worse. Look at this horror.

Everything was shaking, even the...

hangers in the wardrobe were shaking.

Noooooooooo!

Her hangers were shaking!

You know what that means?

Her cardigans are slightly crumpled.

Only in Wales! I love how tiny the complaints are. It was terrifying.

I was frying an egg,

next thing I knew it was scrambled.

It was the worst day of my life.

I don't know why, but there's nothing funnier than Welsh people complaining.

I mean, have you heard this guy moaning about his pizza. It's beautiful.

LAUGHTER

Elsewhere this week, big showbiz news.

The Time Lord's decided that time is up. The latest actor to play Doctor Who,

Matt Smith, has announced he is quitting the series,

saying, "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

Matt Smith has quit as Doctor Who. So who will be the next Doctor?

Well, there have been loads of rumours.

I happen to know who it is going to be.

TARDIS SOUND EFFECT

Ha-ha!

I'm Doctor Who!

Yeah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mind you, it wasn't all good news.

A badger rocked up and went full Oddie on him.

But luckily, thanks to freeze-frame technology, you can see the exact moment he climaxed.

Oh...

Oh...

Geronimo!

So what else is happening? Well, you can't move for stories about obesity.

There are calls for tougher restrictions on the food industry

to try to curb obesity.

-Obesity...

-Obesity...

-Obesity...

-Obesity...

-Obesity...

-Obesity...

Britain is too fat and is getting fatter.

Put the cake down, you chunky gibbons!

Apparently, one third of schoolkids are obese.

You see the papers - it's appalling, it's shocking,

and you're like, whoa, calm down! Not all of them are fat.

Some of them are pregnant.

Let's... Let's have a little bit of respect for the slags.

I... I'm joking.

The whole obesity crisis is ridiculous.

Have you seen how the Government are trying to deal with overweight kids?

TV chefs that cook unhealthy meals should be subjected to a nine o'clock watershed.

That's right, they're going to put cookery shows on after 9pm.

What, are they going to have warnings? "The following show contains butter..."

"..and scenes of a sugary nature."

Mind you, if you think blaming TV chefs is mad, have a look

at the way they are dealing with tubby kids in Australia.

A boot camp for toddlers is being rolled out in childcare centres

in the fight against childhood obesity.

They've got a toddler boot camp! A toddler... How insane is that?

"Drop and give me 20!"

"But I can only count to seven."

"All right, give me five chin-ups." "OK. One...

"..two... I'm going to get a liquid arse any second here.

"Three..."

It's ridiculous, isn't it? Three-year-olds going to a boot camp?

Mind you, I would love to see their marching songs. Imagine that.

# I'm dead strong it makes me happy

# Mummy come here and change my nappy

# See my muscles start to jiggle

# I kicked the ass of Igglepiggle

# These fists could kill

# Jimmy Savile! #

LAUGHTER

Toddler boot camp, it's crazy.

Have you seen the exercises they make them do?

These tiny tots are put through their paces with bicep curls,

sprints and star jumps.

Bicep curls? They are three!

The only exercise you should do when you are three is this.

When you're toddler, you should be having fun, not down the gym.

Also, how much would that weird you out as a three-year-old in the locker room?

"Good workout?"

That's his towel! That was his towel!

So why are they doing it?

Well, they reckon that toddlers are naturally good at sports,

to which I say, bollocks.

BOY YELLS

Ha ha!

That kid is shit!

Next stop - over in America, meet a young man with a dream.

When Kyle McCabe had his "a-ha!" moment on campus last year, he did what any entrepreneur would do,

he set out to see if there was a need.

McCabe's business model aims to fill a very specific market.

-I'm the president of CONDAM.

-'That's short for...'

Condom ambulance,

which is an emergency contraceptive delivery service.

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

A few people applauding, nice.

He is selling condoms for money, so he has called his company CONDAM?

Surely you call it Johnny Cash?

Think it through.

And if he starts selling tampons, Gash For Gold.

The point I'm making...

AUDIENCE GROANS

..use your brain.

I love the fact that he puts a siren on his head.

Hello, I'm the condom ambulance! How unromantic is that going to be?

You're there with your girl and he rocks up.

"Woo hoo, woo hoo! Hello!

"I brought your johnnies! Do you want me to put it on?"

"No. I want you to fuck off."

Mind you, I'd rather use him than this guy's method.

I present to you the condom applicator slingshot gun.

Why is he laughing? I will tell you why?

Have you seen how he wants people to apply johnnies?

You put this over it.

And then you fire.

I think I speak for the nation when I say FUCK THAT!

This guy sums it up best.

HE WAILS

INDISTINCT

Baby doll, I'm going to make sweet love to you.

Just pass me the condom gun.

HIGH VOICE: Shall we just have a cuddle?

The worst thing... Can we have a look at the photo again? Look at that.

I think he has nicked C3PO's dick.

From an evil condom to a magical discovery.

There's a mystery captivating lots of people

in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park.

It's not a big mystery. In fact, it's a very, very small one.

This tiny door showed up about a week ago in the base of an elm tree

on the park's concourse.

They find a door in a tree in America and it made the news!

Now, I'd love it if they opened it and Osama Bin Laden was inside.

But...

..the best bit - have you seen what Americans have been doing

with this magical tree?

Like other things that show up in places they normally don't,

people have come to see the door.

Some leave notes.

I...like...cheesecake.

"I like cheesecake and licking my own elbow."

How pissed off would you be if you were living in that tree?

All right! I get it! You like fucking cheesecake!

All right, Osama?

Shhhhhhh!

Over in the Norway, a record's been broken.

A Norwegian crime writer has set the world record for the longest

ever television interview.

Hans Olav Lahlum, journalist Mads Andersen chatted

non-stop for more than 30 hours.

Ay-ay-ay-ay... Now, it might have been the longest interview ever

but it's also fucking boring!

If you're going to interview someone then surely it's this next guy.

Prepare yourself, my friends!

This is one of the most brilliantly surreal things I've ever seen.

-What's your name?

-My name...

Oh! Let me tell you my name.

Uh...I'm confused,

because, er, you know,

like we're supposed to believe in the Ministry, right?

So is the Church and State supposed to be separate?

I'm confused cos I've never went to school.

He never went to school. All she asked him was, "What's your name?"

There's more. There's so much more!

Feast your eyes on this.

So, why am I afraid? I'm not afraid.

I'm afraid of the boogie man. Who's the boogie man?

You figure it out! I'm getting out of here!

I'm going back to Waterloo where the vampires hang out,

and I'm going to wear my sunglasses at night. You know why?

Because women show their tits...

..have short skirts, and then they feel violated when I look at them!

Why? Because I have sunglasses on and I'm weird.

Vampires! Tits! Boogie men! He's a genius!

And just when you think it can't get any madder,

look how he ends the interview.

Where are the bums? There's no bums here? Toronto doesn't have bums!

But Waterloo, they're creating bums. They created me!

Why? I don't know.

Maybe it's the Church.

Talk to the Pope. He knows everything!

I had it. I'm going to die!

How can you die when you're dead?

Oh, wait a second...I'm going to be crucified, right?

I'm not going to raise my voice.

This is the bit I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,

I have to figure out who it is, so welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! How are you?

-Good, thank you. How are you?

-Nice to meet you, my name's Russell.

-Hi. Dominique.

-Hey, Dominique. Nice to meet you.

-So, we appear to be in sort of a travel agents.

-Yes, we are.

-OK. Is it something to do with travelling?

-Kind of...

-No, I'm not travelling.

-You're not a travel agent.

-No.

-Why are you here?

-Do you need a clue?

-Yeah!

-Do you want to stand up?

-Yes.

-Why? What's going to happen to me?

-Stand up.

Stand up. Am I going to get spanked or some shit?

-I'm quite tall.

-You are, yeah. So you're quite tall...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So, er... And there's a basketball there.

-Yes.

-So I'm going to put two and two together...

-Yes.

..and say that you throw basketballs at midgets.

-LAUGHTER

-No.

-Have you ever done that?

No! That's horrible! I would never do that!

If were to give you £100,000...

would you pick up a midget and slam-dunk him?

-No!

-200,000?

-May...

Ha!

APPLAUSE

-So, are you a basketball player?

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

So why were you in the news specifically?

I'm part of the GB women's basketball team

that went to London 2012 and now we're working towards

going to Rio in 2016.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How long have you been into basketball?

I started when I was about ten or 11.

I was pretty big so it was, like, yeah, you have to play basketball.

-So are you taller than your dad?

-My dad's 6'8.

Ah, that would've been...! I had an image of your dad as a little fella

-and you going, "That's what time it is!"

-No!

-Can you beat your dad at basketball?

-Erm, I think so, yeah.

Is he watching today? I bet he's really furious at home...

-He's actually in the audience right there.

-Is he?

-Yeah.

-Hiya, man. How are you? I can just see your hand!

So, erm... Here's a question, actually.

-If you're playing female basketball, do you have male cheerleaders?

-No.

-You should have that.

-I think we should start that. Yeah.

Does that thing not put you off when they go, "Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na..."?

Cos it's like, "Fucking hurry up now, we're getting a bit bored."

That must really freak you out? Did they originally get a few ducks in,

"Quack, quack, quack, quack"? That's making it a bit easier.

-I think you try and block it out a bit and get your game face on and you focus.

-What is your game face?

-Throw your game face at me. Oh, nice! Nice!

-Are you scared?

I was, actually! Yeah, it was scary and arousing at the same time! It was lovely.

Sorry, Dad.

That's the trick. Try and flirt with a lady

who's got a six-foot-eight dad!

-Are we going to play basketball, you and me?

-Yes, I will show you a few things.

You'll absolutely destroy me! It's going to be amazing!

No, I'm going to take it slow to begin with. You know, ease in a little bit.

Sorry, Dad.

That was her. That was nothing to do with me.

That was nothing to do with me.

I can feel these eyes just burning into me.

Right, let's go do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I've looked at myself

and I look like I'm trying to advertise a gay sex line.

I think you look pretty good.

-Right, then, what are we going to do?

-OK, first we're going to start off with some dribbling.

Nice.

So, copy what I do, so right hand... Nice and simple.

Cross over to your left hand. Nice. Don't look at the ball.

Try not to look at the ball.

Which makes it really hard!

OK! Now we're going to try two balls.

So you can do it alternating.

No.

Next thing I want to teach you is just simple passing, so if you could stop kicking the balls!

Can you do this?

Huh! Huh! Hoh!

(Sorry.)

Thank you.

OK, so, simple chest pass.

You're so powerful!

-OK, now bounce pass.

-Nice.

-Are you try to kill me?

-Oh, nice! Was that a burp? Lovely!

LAUGHTER

Do not put that on TV!

OK, I'm going to bring out some of my teammates,

-Z and Ella, to play some defence on you.

-Excellent.

ALL: Ooh!

Son of a bitch!

-OK, so we're going to play two-on-two.

-Hello, hello!

-Hi.

-Two-on-two. We're one team, they're going to play defence.

-Lovely.

-Are you ready?

-Yup.

-So get past us.

First one to score.

The basket...!

-Come on!

-We're going to be here for a long time. Oh!

Maybe get right under the basket and then try and shoot over one of us.

You've got to score.

-Whoa!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Shoot, shoot!

CHEERING

Incredible. Thank you so much. That was wonderful.

Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, the ladies from Team GB basketball team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, now, you may think you've got a weird hobby.

But it's got nothing on this lady.

It's a comforting feeling.

Her fur is such an interesting texture.

It's so soft and puffy

and, like cotton candy.

15 years ago, Lisa began eating cat hair as a way to feel closer

to her pets.

She eats CAT HAIR!

If you want to be close to your pet, give them a cuddle!

Don't fucking eat it!

Christ, her turds must look like baby Wookies!

Have a look at the clip again.

I love the look the cat gives to the camera. Look at his face!

He's clearly going, "Are you lot getting this?

"Baby go crazy!"

She doesn't just EAT cat hair, she takes it a stage further.

I groom my cat with a tongue, like a mama cat would do to her kitten.

Are you my good girl?

Uuuuuuuurgh! He's a cat, he's not a lollipop!

If she carries on like that, he'll look like this!

Poor cat! "I want to commit suicide but I've got nine lives.

"It'll take fucking ages!"

Honestly, do you know what I'd do if I were that cat?

Before I got in, I'd just roll around in shit.

"Lick me now, you crazy bitch!"

Mind you, she isn't the only one with a freaky habit.

Have you heard about Myleene Klass?

Myleene Klass said this week:

Everyone! You're telling ME it was everyone!

Hi!

Myleene!

Ha-ha-ha!

And it didn't end there. You'll never guess what, right.

A bloody badger rocked up...

..and thanks to freeze-frame technology...

..you can see what happened.

Oh!

Oh!

Geronimo!

APPLAUSE

Did you see what Myleene said in her defence?

-What, will they have adverts...

-IMITATES DANONE YOGHURT ADS:

-# Mmm, Myleene #

I guarantee you'll be saying that tomorrow. It's so catchy.

# Mmm, Myleene #

Next up, a story about a community - this is so lovely -

coming together to make one little girl's day.

Sometimes all it takes is just one act of kindness to make a difference.

For a little girl in Virginia battling brain cancer,

that played out like a fairytale.

Eight-year-old Tara is in the middle

of a more than year-long round of chemo.

After telling people she'd always dreamt of being a princess,

Prince Charming stopped by her house, she put on a princess gown

and was driven in a horse-drawn carriage

all throughout her neighbourhood.

She's laying on my arm and she says, "You know, Tom,

"my dream is to be a princess."

And I've said to myself, "We're going to make that dream come true."

This guy posted asking for a flash mob,

to have all these people cheer on and stuff.

Close to 1,000 people, most of which were complete strangers,

showed up, lined the streets, all there just to cheer her on.

We heard about this great event and my husband immediately made a sign.

Wow! This is awesome. I never knew I was going to be on TV.

This is a surprise.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome, sweetheart.

We love you, Princess Tara!

CHEERING

How lovely is that?

Thanks very much for watching Good News,

good night, my friends, good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd