Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much!

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Here's a tip, if you're going to show off behind a reporter,

make sure you practise.

They all went, "Yeah, it's cool. It's cool, we like it."

And what a great...

LAUGHTER

I don't know about you, but I think Kay Burley

is supporting gay marriage for the wrong reasons.

Let gays marry.

Why should they be happy?

LAUGHTER

Tell you what, don't you just hate it when you're on telly

and you've locked yourself out?

LAUGHTER

And finally, if you're going to interrupt the news,

this is how you do it.

The scammers may have taken her life savings and possibly her life...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what has been going on?

Well, the secretive Bilderberg Group had a meeting.

Amidst heavy security, the mysterious Bilderberg Group is meeting.

The Bilderberg Group...

The most powerful people on Earth.

Politicians, business chiefs, royalty...

They're gathering for an annual summit to discuss global policy.

-Behind closed doors.

-Secretive.

-Everything is off the record.

-Off the record.

-Total privacy.

HE GASPS The Bilderberg Group!

So where did this all-powerful group meet? New York? The Seychelles?

Just off an A-road in Watford.

Yay!

Watford!

Apparently, they've got a TK Maxx!

They could have gone ANYWHERE, and they went to Watford.

So who are the Bilderberg Group?

Well, my favourite conspiracy theorist has a few ideas.

The Bilderberg Group is a dangerous fucking phen-on-emon.

Phen-on-emin.

Phenomenon? Phenom... Phenomenon.

Fucking phen-on-emon! LAUGHTER

Phen-on-imin. They wait... Phenon... Phen-on-imin. Fucking forget it!

Ph... Ph...

-Grrrrrr!

-LAUGHTER

So why is he so upset?

Well, he's part of a small minority

who claim that the Bilderbergs aren't just world leaders and MPs.

Oh, no, they've got a deeper, darker secret.

That's right, apparently, the world is run by giant lizards.

"We will destroy the world. Oh, look, a fly!"

It's bollocks! You show me a politician who looks like a lizard.

LAUGHTER

All right, one, but I doubt you'll find any others.

In royal news, this week, the Queen went to the BBC.

The Queen has spent the morning

here at New Broadcasting House in central London

to open officially the BBC's new headquarters.

It was brilliant. Did you see the moment she photobombed the news?

Yes, it's a view that we share with our audience every day,

but today, a unique moment with a very special royal guest.

LAUGHTER

How much would you have loved it if she just went...?

My highlight was the moment she went to Radio 1. Did you see this?

Did you see her listening to The Script?

# And I...

# I will be Queen

# And you...

# You will be King... #

Pretty catchy, pretty nice. I wonder what the Queen thought?

# They could be heroes

# Just for one day. #

Look at that face!

-Look at that!

-LAUGHTER

"What a load of shit!

"I prefer will.i.am!"

I can't believe the Queen watched someone from The Voice

and didn't turn her chair around.

How great would that have been?

"Not for me!

"Has he gone yet? Kill him."

LAUGHTER

I bet she gave them a massive round of applause when they finished.

# Just for one da-a-ay... #

LAUGHTER

One clap! "Right, let's bounce."

"If we're lucky, we'll get back for Cash In The Attic. Absolute shit!"

Elsewhere this week, big drama for Simon Cowell.

There was added drama and excitement

on the live final of Britain's Got Talent tonight.

A young woman appeared to get up from the orchestra

and pelted the judges, including Simon Cowell, with eggs.

LAUGHTER

# Dream the impossible... #

One egg nearly hit Simon in the face,

but luckily, his belt protected him.

It's a shame we're talking about eggs.

We should be talking about the winners. They're called Attraction.

Did you see them? They're amazing.

# Oh-oh-oh-oh!

# I wanna sing

# I wanna shout... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I wanna scream till the words dry out

# So put it in all of the papers

# I'm not afraid

# They can read all about it

# Read all about it... #

Incredible, moving images there.

Mind you, have you seen the outtakes? They're a bit full-on.

# Come on, come on

# You've got a heart as loud as lions... #

LAUGHTER

# Baby, we're a little different

# There's no need to be ashamed

# You've got the light to fight the shadows... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I tell you what,

I can't wait to see them perform that at the Royal Variety!

I think we all know the reaction they'll get.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What else? Simon Cowell wasn't the only celeb who's had a tough week.

Did you hear about Tulisa?

Tulisa was arrested two days after this picture was revealed.

It allegedly shows her arranging for a friend

to supply half an ounce of cocaine to an undercover reporter.

To be honest, I felt a bit sorry for her. I mean, we've all been stung.

Yeah, mate, I can get you anyfink you want.

Big-time.

LAUGHTER

And if that's not enough for ya,

I can get you a really filthy party girl.

HE LAUGHS

I'm going to suck you dry!

APPLAUSE

Some hilarious kids stories in the news. Did you hear about this?

Calls for children as young as five to be taught about pornography.

Yeah, that makes sense, doesn't it?

Country is in recession, millions are unemployed.

"We need to teach toddlers about rimming!"

LAUGHTER

How are they going to teach that? "Hey, kids!"

# Old MacDonald had a gimp E-I-E-I...

-# Oh-h-h-h! #

-LAUGHTER

Jack and Jill went up the hill To do a bit of snogging

Jill opened her eyes To her surprise

Jack had taken her dogging!

LAUGHTER

It's SO creepy!

"Look, kids, Daddy is parking his tractor in Mummy's hairy garage!

"Do you have any questions?" "Yeah, can I close my fuckin' eyes?!"

LAUGHTER

They'll be walking around the playground like this -

"I've seen things, man.

"There were these two girls, this cup..."

LAUGHTER

It's ridiculous.

Apparently they are doing it to make sure kids aren't afraid of porn.

You're like, what?

Kids aren't afraid of porn.

They've got bigger things to worry about, like Hoovers.

Atchoo! BABY GIGGLES

HOOVER BLASTS

LAUGHTER

They're not fussed about pornography.

Some of them are still baffled by food. Did you hear about this?

Research by the British Nutrition Foundation suggests

that almost a third of primary school children in the UK

think that cheese comes from plants.

One in five say fish fingers are made out of chicken.

LAUGHTER

That must have been such a beautiful moment.

"What are these FISH fingers made from?"

"Chicken."

"Right, let's go again, shall we?" "All right, Mum. Yeah, fine, let's go again."

"Where do blackberries come from?" "Erm, Carphone Warehouse?"

LAUGHTER

"Am I close?!"

Did you see any of the answers? They're amazing.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

One kid even thought pasta was a hat!

LAUGHTER

Mind you, it is pretty rich of adults to mock kids about food.

"Silly children, don't know what they're eating."

We've been eating horse lasagne for years!

"Stupid little children! Nom-nom-nom-nom!

"Why have I grown hooves?"

I kind of feel sorry for the kids.

Some reporters were even trying to catch them out live on air.

But this little legend was having none of it.

-Can you tell me what fish fingers are made from?

-Breadcrumbs and fish.

"It's pretty obvious, you dozy tart."

Wouldn't you have loved it if he went,

"Oh, yeah, one more thing. There you go."

"Put breadcrumbs on that."

But that isn't the craziest story about kids and food.

REPORT: This is the scene of the crime.

The woman who lives here called police about her Pop Tarts.

She didn't just call the police, look what she did next.

She had her 13-year-old son jailed for stealing her Pop Tarts.

Or, as this reporter put it...

She fingered her own son.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Christ! No wonder he nicked her Pop Tarts! That is a strict mum!

If I stole food when I was little, I got a telling-off.

I never got fisted!

LAUGHTER

Do you know the weirdest thing?

Apparently, the dance troupe, Attraction

have already worked it into their new routine.

HE SCREAMS

Next up, oh, there's been some cracking stories

from Australia in the news.

First of all, a beer drinker is being treated like a king

after writing a letter to a company

complaining about their new low-alcohol brand.

REPORT: Brendan is a big man with a big thirst and a big complaint.

His favourite drop has left a bad taste in his mouth.

It was a top drink until they changed it.

And when they changed it, it tasted like crap.

"Tasted like a dingo's ball bag!"

So, did he write them a gentle letter critiquing the new taste?

Nope. Here's the letter he wrote.

The best thing - that letter actually worked.

We apologise, we got it wrong.

But we've listened to you and we're now going back

to the original full-strength, full flavour, at 4.9%.

Moral of the story, if you're not happy, swear like fuck!

Not that it's the craziest letter Down Under.

Check out the fan mail that Paul Henry read out

at the Kiwi version of the BAFTAs.

This is possibly the greatest acceptance speech

I've ever seen in my life.

These are the words of a very, very passionate fan,

and so you'll have to...

You'll have to read between the lines.

"Paul Henry, you're the most insulting little self-conceited

"little mongrel prick on TV."

"I would love Susan Boyle to shit on your ugly face..."

LAUGHTER

"..Pamela Anderson to give you AIDS,

"David Hasselhoff to punch you on the nose,

"preferably before Susan shits on you."

LAUGHTER

And the writer, and I can't credit him or her,

because they haven't put their name on this letter,

ends with the, I think, quite memorable line,

"You fucking poofter..."

"..pommy mongrel prick."

-"Die, you

-(BLEEP)."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, from anger to loneliness.

Have a look at what this bloke did when his best friend moved away.

But not only that.

Not only did he go online, he also did an amazing interview on telly,

explaining the key skills he requires in a best mate.

One of your requirements is knowing the peacock dance.

What is the peacock dance?

It's a dance that just confuses women in the club.

It sort of just sedates them.

They don't know what happened, and then you swoop in and talk to them.

Pretty sure that's Rohypnol.

So you're probably thinking, "I doubt he did the dance on telly".

Guess again.

The peacock dance goes a little bit like this...?

Well, he does it like this.

Oh, yeah!

How is that dance going to impress women?

"Do you feel sedated?" "No, you're the one who needs sedating".

The only people that is going to impress are pigeons - just outside.

"Who's the fucking mover?"

"I'll tell you what, Maureen..."

"I'd let him give me a liquid arse."

To be honest, he might be better off alone.

Some mates can be real arseholes.

You can be looking on Facebook, and from nowhere,

someone does this to you.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Oh!

That is the cruellest, and yet poshest prank ever.

"Hey, let's get Joshua in the spuds with a champagne cork!"

"Oh, Bunty, you are the living end!"

Thwop!

Now, while we're here, there might be lonely people in England,

not just Australia.

If there's anyone out there,

and you're looking for a new best mate, I've got just the person.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'm going to suck you dry!

This is the part of the show I know nothing about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news,

and I have to figure out who that person is. So, please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

-Hello! Nice to meet you. Hello, madam. What's your name?

-Christine.

-I'm Mike.

-Nice to meet you. So, can I sit down here?

-Yes.

-I imagine it's got something to do with balloons.

-Yes.

-And parties.

-Yes.

-Do you gatecrash kids' parties and steal their goods?

Oh, I'd love to. I would.

If you could nick anything from a child, what would you nick?

-Chocolate.

-Nice! You didn't even think for a second.

"Chocolate", straight away.

Shall we tell you our names?

That might give you a little bit of a clue.

-Oh, your stage names?

-Yes. I am Twistina.

-Twistina. And you, my friend?

-Twistopher.

-Twistopher?

-Yeah.

Could I join your troupe as...

I was going to say Bender, but that seems wrong.

-Yes!

-I could be Bender?

-Yes.

Twistopher and Bender.

You have to help me out. Why have you been in the news this week?

We make balloon models for the rich and famous.

-We have something.

-You've got something there?

As we said, it's not just children.

We do lots of dos for all age groups.

Weddings, students, university balls, dinners.

Alien hitchhiker.

That is an alien hitchhiker. Very nice.

If I was at a student ball and it was about three in the morning

and I was pissed and on many drugs, that would terrify me.

-This is a bow and arrow.

-Oh, I see.

These are good at three in the morning when you've had a few beers.

-You said this is a bow and arrow?

-Yeah.

That sounds like a hastily-constructed alibi, doesn't it?

"It's a bow and arrow! What are you talking about?

"I've been dressing up as Goldilocks

"and trying to shag myself."

"Too warm!"

"Too salty!"

"Just right."

What have we got here, then? Who's this?

Can you guess?

Who's that? Who is it? Can anyone guess?

AUDIENCE: You!

It can't be me.

The eyes are facing the right way.

Why is my hair receding?

Are we going to have any balloon-based fun?

-I think we will, yes.

-I look forward to that. Great.

So here we are.

What are we going to do?

Right. Are you ready to blow some balloons?

I was born ready to blow balloons.

Right, so, what we're going to do is,

I am going to show you how to make an octopus.

-OK.

-I'll show you how to use the pump.

Hold the nozzle on, because if you don't, it'll shoot off.

I felt like a really turned-on Smurf then.

Do you want to see an outtake from Shrek?

Oh!

Right, so you want four balloons.

-Yep.

-And I'll have four as well.

And what you want to do is gather them all up. Then give them a twist.

Grab your tentacles and bring them all together.

And then you've got to make sort of a little bubble on the top.

-That's going to be the head.

-Yeah.

And twist that around.

-Can you twist it for me?

-I can, yeah.

Squeeze it in, and...twist!

That's it. OK.

I feel like one of God's crap helpers.

Ladies and gentlemen, check out these octopus balloons!

Please give it up for my mystery guests!

Stop whatever you're doing.

Apparently, scientists have discovered the reason

that some men get more sex than others.

If ever there was an excuse for getting out of housework,

this is it, gentlemen.

Researchers found that men who do traditional female chores

have less sex than those who stick to more masculine tasks.

Well, if that's true,

this bloke must be beating them off with a shitty stick.

Tell you what, how picky are women?

"Why don't you fancy him?" "Well, he's good-looking,

"clever, charming and kind, but apparently, he likes to hoover."

"What a nasty bastard. Why can't I have a normal bloke

"that slaps me about and puts up a shelf?"

"Why can't I have a normal bloke like that? Why not?"

Let's be honest, this story is bollocks.

Mowing the lawn does not make you look sexy.

Did that do anything for you, ladies?

Watch him mow that goddamn lawn!

Staying in the world of love, did you hear about this?

According to a police report, a man and woman were attacked

by a man with a large knife at Craighead Forest Park.

While the young woman ran off, the man, 26-year-old Tyler Siegel,

-stayed back to fight the attacker.

-Tyler Siegel, you are a hero,

protecting your date from a near-death experience.

I take my cap off to you, sir.

Turns out Siegel asked his friend to attack them

so he could impress the girl.

Tyler Siegel, you are a dick!

Give me back my cap.

That must have been the most ridiculous mugging ever.

"Give me all your money, Tyler!" "How do you know my name?"

"I've known you all my life!" "He's been stalking me for ever!"

"What's wrong with you, Dave? We fucking rehearsed this."

Mind you, if you think faking a mugging is bad,

have a look at what happened to this bloke in Florida.

Who answers the door with a Taser in their hand? Poor sod.

-"Will you marry me?"

-HE IMITATES TASER

Apparently, she put so much electricity through him,

she gave him a...

Liquid ass.

But what I don't get - and I'm sure you're the same -

he loves her enough to strip off,

but not enough to know where she lives?

Surely the first thing you do

if you're going to knock on someone's door naked -

check it's the right house!

Actually, second thing. First thing, just give it a stretch.

Just tease it out. Make sure it's at its fighting weight,

you know what I mean? Heavy, not hard.

This joke's mainly for the fellas.

I doubt ladies have that similar thing.

"I'm going out with Barry tonight, just give it a bit of a wiggle."

Mind you, I wish I'd seen it.

Is there anything greater than the noise someone makes

when they're Tasered?

Taser, Taser!

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

Aaagh!

Do you know the oddest thing about this story?

Apparently, the dance troupe Attraction...

..have already worked it into their routine.

Now an inspirational story about a woman called Claire Lomas.

The London Marathon last year.

Claire Lomas completed it in a robotic suit. It took her 17 days.

You know, the marathon was a great experience.

I actually had really good fun.

The walking was hard and challenging, but the people made it.

When you've got a good group of people and you're exercising,

you just feel good for it.

Claire was left paralysed from the waist down

after a riding accident five years ago.

After my accident, I felt like every door had been slammed in my face.

I certainly did feel at rock bottom. Some days...

I was always active. I never sat down. And suddenly I'm told,

"You're going to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair."

I'm like, "I don't know if I can live like this."

It is so much to get your head around.

It's a feat of endurance that would get the better of most of us,

so for Claire Lomas, the achievement is all the more incredible.

Today she finished a 400 mile charity bike ride.

The 33-year-old is raising money for spinal research.

She's travelled 400 miles on arm power alone.

She started in Nottingham,

and did the equivalent of around 16 marathons.

She even managed to stop off at schools on the way.

She's an extraordinary lady, and a true inspiration to all of us,

or should be.

She wants to spread the word that whatever happens to you,

there is always hope.

How lovely is that?

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Farewell. Good night. Sleep well!

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