Best Bits Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

CHEERING

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. All right!

Hello and welcome to Good News.

These are some of my best bits. Hope you enjoy.

Here's a tip. If you're doing an interview, watch what you lean on.

THEY SPEAK DUTCH

Is it me, or does this lady really like planes?

I can hear all the aeroplanes from my house.

Oooh!

Mmmm-mmm-mm!

Over at BBC Politics, someone did a shit in Andrew Neil's mug.

I tell you what, Susannah Reid's really changed

since she went to ITV.

This is you as an all-American.

And a big opportunity for you in Hollywood.

You must have had to beat off a lot of American men to get this part.

HE GIGGLES

Why does that make you giggle?

Did you not have to beat them off?

And finally, did you hear how Andrew Marr felt after watching

the new series of Orange Is The New Black?

Very wet.

So what's been going on?

Well, the big political news was Ukip's victory

in the Rochester by-election.

Ukip has its second Westminster MP

after it won the Rochester & Strood by-election.

Mark Reckless took 16,867 votes.

Mark Reckless, second Tory defector turned Ukip MP, was big news.

I'm going for a pint.

Who is this Mark Reckless?

Who is this dangerous renegade,

this maverick who's tearing Westminster apart?

Christ, he sounds so dynamic. I wonder how he celebrated?

Nigel went down the pub last night to celebrate.

How did you celebrate? Did you get any sleep at all?

Uh, I had an orange juice.

-NERDY VOICE:

-"I had an orange juice!

"Later on I had a Ribena.

"Reckless by name, reckless by nature!

"Shut up, shut up.

"No, shut your mouth. I bloody stayed up till 11.30, I did!

"I'm bloody bonkers, I am. I'm absolutely mad!"

How did he get elected?

He's the most nervous man I've ever seen.

-Er, thanks for all your help.

-That's OK.

Great to have you, great to have you on board.

-Thank you.

-RECKLESS CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

We'll get on with the day. Thank you, guys. Huhh...

"Thanks, uh... Thanks, guys, uh..."

He sounds like he's having a mini orgasm.

You can't have him as an MP.

Imagine him making speeches.

"We'll, uh...

"fight them, uhhhh...

"on the beaches, brrruuuhhh!

"Has anyone got any Tropicana?"

Mind you, it's easy to see why he defected to Ukip.

I mean, the signs were always there.

On that note, if you're going to have right wing policies,

careful where you put the mic, Nigel.

Have you seen the latest disease tearing through America?

We've been hearing a lot about Ebola.

But we just found out about a new health threat

that's already infected nearly half the population.

It's called the stupidity virus.

That's right...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's right.

Half the population of America is stupid.

Half! That's like 78%.

That was great. These people, "I don't know..."

This isn't a spoof.

Apparently, America is dealing with a stupidity virus.

Fair to say, they haven't taken the news well.

It's very scary. I hope they come up with

some kind of vaccine so they can cure it.

If only there was somewhere they could go to cure themselves

of this dreaded disease!

A stupidity virus!

Do you reckon Bob Geldof's going to do a song for them?

Wouldn't that be great?

# Read some books

# Stop them being stupid fucks

# And read some books

# Teach them to say aluminium properly. #

CHEERING

"A-loo-min-um!" It's not a-loo-min-um.

Mind you, it's too late for some of them.

Some people are already riddled with stupid.

Check out the answer this man gives

on America's version of Family Fortunes.

Tell me the man's name that starts with the letter K.

Kentucky Fried Chicken.

His brother Nando's couldn't believe it.

In political news, it's been a bad week for Ed Miliband.

Ed Miliband's approval rating has hit an all-time low,

with a poll suggesting the Labour leader

is now less popular than Nick Clegg.

Poor Ed Miliband. Even members of his own party had a pop.

Ed Miliband is not George Clooney

and he's not going to bring us millions of voters.

You're telling me, he's not George Clooney.

Every photo, he looks like he's sneezing

and cumming at the same time.

HE MOANS

HE SPLUTTERS

Check out what a think tank in Sweden is campaigning for.

They've invited people to come up with a name for female masturbation.

These guys are already on it.

-Play the trumpet.

-Bombs in the garden.

The widening of the A453.

-Prawn linguini.

-Line dancing.

-Piston stuffing.

-Coma in a bottle.

-Dickering around.

-The handling of bushmeat.

-Banana split.

-Climbing the stairs.

-Fiddling with the controls.

-Holding a kitten.

-The fish twitcher.

-Drilling for oil.

-Cutting concrete.

-Rat-running.

-Thigh-slapping.

-Dribble, dribble.

-Ribbon cutting.

-Get a wiggle on.

D'you know what a wormhole is?

HE LAUGHS

That's Stayty all over.

Did you hear about the scandal at Claridge's?

40 mothers have staged a mass nurse-in protest

outside Claridge's Hotel in London...

..to protest over an incident in which a woman was asked to

cover herself up when she was breast-feeding in the restaurant.

Mothers were breast-feeding on the pavements here

outside Claridge's Hotel.

They're nipples, they're not weapons!

It wasn't just the mums who were angry. Some of the kids were livid.

It's so pathetic! If you're offended by a woman breast-feeding,

here's a tip. Don't fucking look!

"Oh, look, there's a woman with her breasts out, how awful!"

"How absolutely awful!"

"Ohhh, Mother!"

Do you know what I'd do, if I was one of the mums?

I'd go to Claridge's and breast-feed my kid wearing this hat.

That's what you do!

Did you hear about word of the year?

The word of the year has been announced. It's photobomb.

It's defined as intruding into the background of a photograph

without a subject's knowledge.

Photobomb is the word of the year, so in honour of that,

here are my all-time favourites. At number 3, this squirrel.

Number 2, this camel.

But my all-time favourite is this little girl's arm.

Next up, this is brilliant.

Well, that is going to change first dates.

So nice to finally meet you.

Lovely to meet you. To a wonderful evening.

There we go.

Mmm! Oh, the food's arrived!

Thanks very much. I'm actually... on a new diet. Yeah.

-HE YELPS

-Dinner! Dinner! Dinner!

# In my hair!

# In your face!

# Dinner over there!

# Drinky-poo!

# Have some more!

# Dinner! #

I want to complain!

-I'm sorry about that man, sir.

-No, not him.

There's a woman breast-feeding over there!

Next up, have you seen the latest way the Irish government

is trying to crack down on speeding?

This shocking advert has been banned from appearing on television

until after the nine o'clock watershed.

# Now and then when I see her face

# She takes me away to that special place

# And if I stay too long

# I'd probably break down and cry... #

Shocking ad? That doesn't look shocking.

Nothing shocks me. I've seen everything.

# Oooohh

# Sweet child of mine... #

HE ROARS IN TERROR

Aaaaaagggggh!

HE BURBLES

HE SHRIEKS

HE BURBLES AND SHRIEKS

That is not how you reduce class sizes!

That was on telly!

It's terrifying! That is an actual advert.

Who made that and went, "Yeah, that's fine"?

That doesn't stop dangerous driving,

it just freaks kids out about field trips.

"Come on, let's collect some tadpoles." "Noooooo!"

Now, have you seen what's happening in America with yoga?

This looks like any yoga studio in any American city.

Grow taller on your next inhale.

But there's one key difference.

Everyone in this yoga class is high on marijuana.

People are getting stoned and doing yoga. How?

When you smoke a joint, you don't want to exercise,

you're too busy giggling at anything.

Oi, oi!

Do you reckon people who play the trombone are called boners?

Either that, or you come up with insane ideas.

Hey! Let's feed some bread to the toilet duck!

Let's fill the dishwasher with Radox and chill out the spoons.

Stoner yoga. Do you really want to be flexible AND paranoid?

My arms are so bendy!

I feel like a lava lamp!

What next? Smack badminton? Bums, tums and ketamine?

It's a slippery slope. If you start with yoga and marijuana,

how long before gyms look like this?

Hi! I'm Jim Drug and I run Jim Drug's Drug Gym!

We've got it all!

Viagra!

Hallucinogenics!

The treadmill told me to kill a man!

Steroids!

No-one's going to steal your handbag, right, Grandma?

Oooh!

I lost 20 stone.

What's your secret?

Heroin.

So come on down!

I'm a healer and a dealer.

-I'll give you a handjob for 20 quid?

-Not now.

Stop whatever you're doing.

Forget about Ebola, forget about Isis. I bring ground-breaking news!

There's now only 480 clowns left in the UK.

You know how many that is?

That's two 240s, you son of a bitch.

Well, dry your tears, because I have done something about this.

I, Russell Howard, have actually, out of my own pocket,

set up a sanctuary for clowns,

where they can frolic, they can breed and they can relax.

And I'm told we can actually go live to the clown sanctuary now.

CIRCUS MUSIC

Shit!

Over at BBC Breakfast, I think Bill and Naga took ketamine.

THEY MUMBLE INCOHERENTLY

That's nothing. I'm pretty sure the guys at Look North dropped acid.

INDIAN DRUMS PLAY

Is it me or is Diane Abbot really bad at hide and seek?

Diane Abbott, very nice talking to you, thanks for joining us.

So, more reaction from Scotland and from Westminster

and from around the country coming up shortly, so do stay with us.

I tell you what, I've seen a lot of news but this is definitely

the most awkward ending to a report I've ever seen,

We're very clear that everybody needs the NHS

-unless you're super, super, rich, and you can...

-Thank you. Thank you.

Well, we'll bring you the events that happen here

later on this aft...evening at the 10.15 no...news.

The poor bloke got a lot of stick online.

Luckily for him, I found the greatest way

to deal with abuse, ever.

Hi, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.

I was too busy, mm, blocking out the haters.

If people are giving you shit,

all you need is a couple of plastic spoons.

The big royal news was this:

Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Rihanna - they're all queens of Twitter,

with more than 138 million followers between them.

Well, now, there's a new queen on the block -

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, has sent her first tweet.

The Queen's on Twitter! How great is that?

CHEERING

@Charles: I'm thinking of abdicating the throne.

#Onlyjokingjugears.

Dear followers, when I can't be bothered to do my hair

in the morning, I just do this:

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not that everyone was as pleased as me that the Queen was on Twitter.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Poor Liz!

Still, I think we all know how she should deal with this.

Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't see you there.

I was too busy, mmm, blocking out the haters.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-APPLAUSE

-Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, John Simpson.

Thank you very much for coming.

You're a very dapper chap, if you don't mind me saying.

-There's no answer to that, is there?

-There absolutely isn't. You've just got to...

-Dapper?

I mean, couldn't you find some better word than "dapper", for god's sake?

You're a horny, horny son of a bitch.

Now, what do you think makes a good politician?

Well, most people would say it's the ability to talk.

I think it's the ability to listen.

To genuinely listen,

not just do what you're doing now, which is, like,

saying "ooh" and sort of pretending.

Thinking of the next thing you're going to say.

APPLAUSE

Guilty.

You're absolutely right. My dad says that.

You don't listen, you're just waiting for gaps to take the piss.

What was it like, dissecting a mammoth? What's that like?

It was extraordinary.

I can't, I think it was, they kept using the word "emotional",

and it was emotional because, you know,

you're looking at something which has been dead for 40,000 years,

and yet somehow it remained frozen. So it didn't fossilize.

It looked and smelled like it had died

maybe only a week or so earlier.

Do you think the make-up girls who deal with Bruce Forsyth

go through a similar kind of...

The one thing I love about Sunday league is

celebrations are still the same.

If you score a goal in the Premier League,

you go as crazy as you do in the Sunday league.

But this is one of my favourite celebrations ever. Have you seen

this? You'll love this. Have a look at this.

Scores the goal, pretty happy.

What's he going to do now? What's he going to do?

This is what he's going to do.

LAUGHTER

I love it. You can see him going,

"I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it now!"

See if you can guess what happens next.

See if you can guess. What do you think?

-I don't know.

-Have a look.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Are there any animals you think, "Ah, what's the point"?

LAUGHTER There are...they do all have a purpose, even the wee things that...

-RUSSELL WHISPERING:

-There must be one.

Head lice are not very pleasant, are they?

Or leeches, leeches.

-Leeches.

-It didn't happen to me, but I was sitting...

Did it happen to a friend? Did it happen to a friend? Yeah, yeah.

I was sitting with a friend at dinner, and we were just eating away,

and I looked across and there was this, this...

it was like a black snot hanging from his nose, really.

THE AUDIENCE GROAN

He looked up and it went back up again.

I was looking at it, thinking, "What is this?"

And I looked again and, yes, there was a leech had gone up his nose.

And the great thing is that, these things, you can't feel them at all.

You know, when they bite you, they've got an anti-coagulant.

Anyway, this thing eventually reinticed it down.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's such a beautiful image. I have an image of you

dressed as a lady slug, just...

LAUGHTER

-SINGS:

-I'm a lady leech and I've got some lady ass.

LAUGHTER

As we're getting on...

I'm going to risk this question.

Have you ever drunk from your leg?

I knew it. You have!

-Many a time.

-Many a time?

-Yeah.

Do you fancy...

having a drink from your leg, we'll have a drink from your leg now?

-Let's do it.

-Do you?! Oh, amazing.

-Luckily...

-Ah!

I've got some premium pale ale.

What's your favourite animal to watch make love?

-Eh, humans, probably.

-Humans, oh, right!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Do you want a sip?

-Yeah.

Oh, nice!

CHEERING

A really great story about you and Osama Bin Laden.

This is absolutely wonderful.

Yeah, I think you've got to explain, though - that sounds a bit strange,

doesn't it? Me and Osama Bin Laden. What?

We used to be an item.

Maybe that's why he got so cross.

If you'd put out, maybe we'd be fine.

-Why have you got to be so frigid?

-Why shouldn't he put out?

-Yeah.

Well, it wasn't about that.

What I read, specifically, is that you made him cry. Is that right?

-Osama Bin Laden?

-Oh, I did, yeah. I'd forgotten about that.

How does one go about making...

-Well...

-..one of the most evil men in the world cry?

-He wasn't hurt.

-Yeah.

-I didn't hurt his feelings.

-OK.

He cried out of frustration.

Deep frustration, because, uh,

he'd paid a truck driver 500...

to come and drive over me and my crew.

-We were filming in a place where he was.

-Yeah.

And I was a bit insulted.

I mean, 500 bucks,

I'd have paid more myself for that, you know.

That is a wonderful response to a death threat, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

-"£500? I'm a £1,000 man."

-Exactly right.

-"£500? That's two £250, you son of a bitch."

LAUGHTER

-I don't step out of the door for less than five figures.

-Absolutely.

But, we, uh...

No, he...and this guy refused,

and, in the end, poor old Osama didn't get what he wanted

and he went and lay down on his bed.

And we followed him in there and he was beating the pillow and weeping.

You should write a poem, just write a poem about the news.

That would be fun, wouldn't it?

-It sort of depends on what day you write it on, mate.

-It does.

-You know.

Benjamin Zephaniah,

Vladimir Putin is a liar.

Seems to me the world's a farce,

obsessed with Kim Kardashian's arse.

Switch on the telly, there's news that will amuse,

make you cry or sob.

Taking the piss? That's my job.

APPLAUSE

Over at BBC News,

I'm pretty sure Tim Wilcox forgot this reporter's name.

MUMBLES NONSENSE This report from...

LAUGHTER

Is it me, or is this guy on the left the happiest man in the world?

SHE RAPS: Wrote a nice spin on my purpose. You know bad boys...

LAUGHTER

My award for least dignified exit of the week goes to this guy.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Is it me or is Hugh Bonneville on heat?

HE MOOS LIKE A COW

And, finally, this has to be the worst start to a race ever.

So get ready, on your marks, get set, jump.

'On your marks.'

-'Wait until you're called.'

-Go!

STARTING PISTOL GOES OFF

Have a look at this.

A pub in rural Ireland has been rebuilt after a fire.

Some locals in a tiny village in Ireland have their pub back.

How great is that?

I wonder what the locals thought of it?

Dan, what does the reopening of the pub mean to you?

-INDISTINCT SPEECH

-It means a pint because...last two years.

LAUGHTER

No idea.

Luckily, his mate was on hand to clear it up.

What does the reopening of the pub mean to you?

-SEEMINGLY SPEAKS NONSENSE

-Well, we had the...

LAUGHTER

Exactly.

You heard him.

What does the pub mean to you?

BLABBERS INCOHERENTLY

It's incredible, and what just when you think it can't get stranger,

look what one of them pulls out of a bag.

LAUGHTER

Check out what caused panic on a recent plane journey.

'This was the source of panic on board a London-bound easyJet flight.

'Adam Gubbay from Stoke Newington

'bought a baby corn snake on holiday in Israel.

'Midway through the flight, Gubbay released the reptile,

'named Milky, to give it a drink of water.'

That's right - he got his snake out in the middle of an easyJet flight.

Now listen to this. How filthy does this sound?

I had advised the passenger sitting next to me on my left

that I was about to feed my snake and that he shouldn't be alarmed.

LAUGHTER

How creepy would that be?

"Excuse me, do you mind if I get my Mamba out?"

LAUGHTER

"He likes you, don't he?"

"Do you want to give him a stroke?"

Now, unbelievably, this story gets even stranger.

He was held in customs for hours. Did he get a lawyer? No, he didn't.

He wrote a song about it.

# The sun don't shine

# The sun don't shine

# Without you

# Milky I've been too afraid to sleep

# Dreaming easyJet would take you away from me... #

LAUGHTER

Wow.

How do you reckon the end goes?

# I let you out so you could eat

# They tasered me and I shat the seat. #

LAUGHTER

Mind you, not all animals are causing destruction.

Some just want to be loved.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Correct, my friends.

There is nothing wrong with a lazy eye.

Surely he's the perfect dog?

He can lick his balls and keep a look out for burglars.

They're on about giving him plastic surgery. Sod that!

Give him glasses.

Who isn't cheered up by this?

LAUGHTER

We shouldn't worry, though, he'll definitely find a home.

Dogs with no depth perception can provide such joy.

LAUGHTER

You know Christmas is coming when the news starts talking about this.

Yesterday, John Lewis launched its ad on social media.

It's caused a big buzz again.

It stars a young boy and his friend, Monty the penguin.

The campaign was an online worldwide trend by the end of the day.

Did you see it?

It's magical.

# Don't need to be alone

# It's real love

# It's real

# It's real love

# It's real love

# It's real love

# It's real

# It's real love... #

Aww...

HE BLUBBERS INCOHERENTLY

It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!

And do you know the best thing? Do you know the really good thing?

We've actually got the director's cut

of what happened with next those sweet, sweet penguins.

# It's real love

# It's real

# It's real love

SQUEAKY ANIMAL NOISES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

So there you go. Thanks very much for watching.

Good night, my friends. Good night!

APPLAUSE