Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Hello and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

I tell you what, Simon McCoy really needs to work on his pulling technique.

You are a hot mess.

LAUGHTER

Is it me or does this lady really like planes?

I can hear all the aeroplanes from my house. Oh!

LAUGHTER

Mmmm.

Now, I'm no expert, but I think this guy might have missed his train.

HE YELLS

Did anyone else see the lovechild of Gregg Wallace and Paul Weller?

..Where people can't get a contract, a zero-hours contract...

And finally, this bloke wins my award for interview of the year.

20-year-old James Taylor successfully threw the largest party

ever to hit West Michigan.

I didn't force anything down anybody's throat.

I didn't make anybody stay here until 7am or 11 or

whenever it is everybody left.

I didn't make this kid pass out on my floor.

People wanted to be here.

So, what's been going on?

Well, did you hear about the scandal at Claridge's?

40 mothers have staged a mass nurse-in protest outside

Claridge's hotel in London.

..To protest over an incident in which a woman was asked to

cover herself up when she was breast-feeding in the restaurant.

Mothers were breast-feeding on the pavement outside Claridge's hotel.

They're nipples, they're not weapons.

LAUGHTER

It wasn't just the mums who were angry. Some of the kids were livid.

LAUGHTER

It's so pathetic! If you're offended by a woman breast-feeding,

here's a tip. Don't fucking look!

Oh, look, there's a woman with her breasts out, how awful!

How absolutely awful!

Oh, Mother!

Do you know what I'd do if I was one of the mums?

I'd go to Claridge's and breast-feed my kid wearing this hat.

LAUGHTER

That's what you do.

How can you be offended by this?

There's nothing wrong with breast-feeding.

It's perfectly natural, unless of course you're the leader of UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage provoked an outcry and some ridicule today

after suggesting breast-feeding mothers should do it in the corner

because it makes some other people feel embarrassed.

I'll tell you what,

if we're putting blankets over tits we don't like, I think

we all know what's going to happen.

It isn't too difficult to breast-feed a baby

in a way that's not openly ostentatious.

Was Claridge's wrong...?

LAUGHTER

Not that... Not that it was the only ridiculous thing Nigel Farage

said this week.

He was travelling from London to Wales.

Look at the excuse he came up with for being late.

It wasn't roadworks, it was Romanians!

He's almost beyond parody.

Bloody foreigners coming over here, dressing up as bollards.

It's insane.

Like there's some bloke in Azerbaijan,

"Why am going to England?

"To be a success? No! To get a job? No!

"To hog the middle lane!"

LAUGHTER

"I will drive so slowly... I will cause a tailback.

"Yes, that's right."

I don't know what that impression is.

Mind you, UKIP aren't the only political party in trouble.

Did you see what this Tory MP was doing in Parliament?

A Conservative MP has apologised after admitting playing

an online game during a Parliamentary hearing on pension reforms.

According to the Sun, Conservative Nigel Mills was playing

Candy Crush for two-and-a-half hours.

What a dick!

Pensioners are freezing? He's like, "Sod that,

"I've nearly won a Jelly Fish from the Booster Wheel."

What's his job? Minister for Lazy Bastards?

Mind you, it's not just him,

they're all at it. Have you seen what David Cameron's into?

LAUGHTER

Staying in politics, Alex Salmond is back in the game.

The former First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has launched

his bid to win a seat at Westminster in next year's general election.

I can now tell you that I am a candidate for the SNP

nomination for the Gordon constituency.

CHEERING

Some people love him.

He's a very nice man.

Others, not so sure.

# Alex Salmond is a twat, is a twat

# Alex Salmond is a twat, is a twat. #

-Why is he a twat?

-He wants to break up the Union and he shags grannies.

LAUGHTER

He shags grannies!

Where's the evidence?

Mind you, not all grannies are keen on him.

Fair to say, this lady hasn't quite made her mind up

whether she'd vote for him.

Which way are you leaning?

-Which way is that way?

-No, I think yes.

-That's a no.

-No, yes.

-No, yes?

-I think yes.

-You're leaning towards yes?

-Aye.

LAUGHTER

Now elsewhere this week -

did you hear the news about the Queen?

The skeleton dug up in a Leicester car park two years ago has now been

proven to be Richard III after new DNA tests on two of his descendants.

It's helped the geneticists work out what the last Plantagenet

King of England really looked like.

But it's not such good news for some of the current royals as tests

also raise question marks over succession

that could have implications for the Queen herself.

That's right. There's doubts over the bloodline of the Royal Family.

Or as the Daily Express put it...

It's nuts, though, isn't it? The Queen may not actually be the Queen.

Do you reckon she'll have to get a real job? She'll be down Tesco.

"Beep. All right, pal. Are you collecting vouchers for school?

"Beep. I forgot the beep.

"That's a fake fiver, mate. What do you mean, how do I know?

"Check out my grill?"

LAUGHTER

Poor Liz, she'll be in some bedsit singing to herself.

-TO THE TUNE OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM:

-# I used to eat swan for tea

# Now it's just KFC

# Or Pot Noodle

# Do, do, do, do

# I used to wear a crown

# Now I just watch Countdown

# Still one thing don't make me frown

# Charles won't be King. #

Let's be honest, though...

I don't know what that was about in the middle.

Let's be honest though, if the Queen's DNA's in question,

there's only one show that can solve this riddle.

Hello, sweetheart.

You all right?

Thank you very much indeed. Good morning, as ever a big, big welcome to the show.

On today's show it's our DNA special.

Is this lady the real Queen?

The results are in.

Take a look at this, my friends.

So here we go. You are NOT the real queen.

Son of a bitch.

BLEEP! BLEEP!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

So, what else has been going on?

Well, we've had the ice bucket challenge.

HE SCREAMS

We've had the cinnamon challenge.

And now here's the latest challenge that kids in America have

started doing for fun.

It's called the fire challenge.

In the spirit of fun, people will douse themselves in rubbing

alcohol, fingernail polish remover or hand-sanitiser and then, yes,

light it on fire.

What?! What a bunch of dicks!

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A bonfire".

If you want to have fun, form a band, play football,

put Deep Heat in your brother's toothpaste.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

I mean, for Christ's sake.

If you want a bit of fun, you don't need to set yourself on fire.

All you need is an easily scared friend and a vegetable.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

HE SCREAMS

HE GUFFAWS

See, how happy does he look?

Mind you, if you think setting yourself on fire is stupid,

look what theses teachers from Kent did.

They thought a prosthetic leg was a sex offender.

Christ, thank God they don't work for the police.

"Sir, we found thousands of paedos." "Where?" "The Paralympics."

It gets better. Did you see why the leg was there?

Poor bloke. "Hi, guys.

"Have you seen my leg?

"It did what to the kids?"

Maybe those teachers were right. Maybe I'm the one being an idiot.

Maybe some prosthetic legs are paedophiles.

Maybe it's like in Harry Potter when you get an evil wand.

You're walking past a school and all of a sudden, "Fuck, yeah.

"Jesus! Sorry about that, kids.

"Oh, Jesus Christ.

"Expelliarmus Rolfus Harris.

"It's fine."

To be fair though, some prosthetics do have a mind of their own.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

LAUGHTER

From filthy prosthetics to a crazy way to discipline your kids.

Did you hear about Jamie Oliver?

Jamie Oliver has caused outrage by admitting

he laced his daughter's food with hot chillies to punish her.

He fed his daughter hot chillies.

People say it's cruel but, come on,

sometimes it is pretty funny to feed kids certain foods.

Who doesn't love the face a child pulls

when it tries a lemon for the first time?

Do you want some lemon? Want to try some bites? Try a big bite.

MAN SLURPS

Big bite, big bite.

What do you think?

LAUGHTER

Want to try some more?

Did you hear about this guy

running for mayor in the Australian city of Adelaide?

Nkweto Nkamba is running for a seat on the Port Adelaide-Enfield council

and wanted a slogan voters would remember.

So, what slogan did he go for?

Something about tax? Health? No.

-'His message is clear.'

-Vote for the black guy.

LAUGHTER

Vote for the black guy!

He is the happiest man in the world.

I've had some really good response.

This guy comes out of his house, I don't even know him,

and he's like, "Hey, it's the black guy."

"Hey, it's the black guy.

"He didn't know who I was, he was just really racist!"

I'd love it if our politics was as blunt as this.

Campaign posters would be great.

From Australia to Japan. This is wonderful. I love this story.

Did you see his apology? Oh, my God!

Normally, when an MP resigns, they don't really show emotion.

Not this bloke!

HE SPEAKS JAPANESE

HE SOBS

Now, if any of you

are about to go into hospital you may want to look away now.

I don't want to worry you

but new research carried out by a scientist from Bath has suggested

over 150 patients could wake up every year while undergoing surgery.

Holy shit! How scary is that? Now we know how this poor sod feels.

NOSE BUZZES

Imagine what doctors are doing when people are out cold.

We've actually got footage of someone describing their experience.

Now, this is brilliant.

I've saved the maddest health story for last.

Well, that is going to change first dates.

-So nice to finally meet you.

-Lovely to meet you. To a wonderful evening.

Oh, the food's arrived.

Thanks very much. I'm actually on a new diet.

In my hair!

In your face!

Dinner over there!

Drinky poo.

Have some more!

-I want to complain.

-I'm sorry about that man, sir.

Not him, there's a woman breast-feeding over there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, tonight's guest is a former Premiership

and international footballer who has battled against leukaemia

and is now back playing again.

Here's Petrov. Shooting position.

And he takes full advantage of it, Petrov with a brilliant finish.

Ashley Young. It's a poor clearance from Carroll. Petrov, oh!

3-0.

Been in dark places. It's been hell, back, hell, back again.

I managed to go through it, it was difficult.

I get up every morning, I smile, kiss my kids, see my wife.

That's something I appreciate these days.

It's the dream come true again. Because I'm like a little kid.

I live for Sunday and I want to play football

with a smile and enjoyment, as well.

Please welcome Stiliyan Petrov.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming on the show.

-First thing, how are you?

-I'm fine, thank you.

Everything is going well so far.

It's been a long couple of years for me.

It was really tough.

I had very hard moments, but had good moments, as well.

What are the good moments? I'm struggling to think...

Good moments are...with my wife,

she was with me every single day in the hospital.

She slept on a little bed

and when we remember now, after being through so much, we laugh about it.

-Yeah, right.

-I used to have chemotherapy

and try to avoid thinking about the chemotherapy.

I was dancing with the chemotherapy.

We had video, when I look at it now, I laugh about it.

But at the time it was very serious because

when you go through something like that, you fight for your life.

You know you are either going to make it or not make it, so...

That's love, the fact that your wife has celebrated you scoring from

the halfway line and now she's slept next to you in a tiny hospital bed.

-That's love.

-It is.

And we always look about finding our perfect half, you know?

I think I found her.

She was crying when I was injured, celebrating when I scored goals

and she stick with me

when I went through the hardest time of my life, you know?

If she doesn't love you now, she's definitely going to love you

when she hears you say that on telly.

You are in for it when you get home.

APPLAUSE

That's amazing.

One of my favourite stories about you,

and there will be people in the room that know

and people that won't, is the gesture that the Villa fans did.

What a lovely thing.

Stiliyan wore the number 19 on his back.

When I was diagnosed, the Villa fans wanted to do something

so they decided to stand up in the 19th minute and applaud me.

And, for me, it went deep into my heart.

I'll never forget, I can never express what I felt every day

when I watched any game when I was in hospital, watching it when they stand

up on 19 minutes clapping, and that was happening for a year-and-a-half.

-Wow!

-It was amazing.

Now, this isn't the first battle that you've had.

I read your book and you had a battle with something you

were afraid of when you were a kid. Can you remember?

-That was a bit weird.

-It's a bit weird, pretty funny.

This is so funny. I'm going to put you on the spot here.

Can you remember what you were afraid of

when you were a little boy?

-When I was a little boy, I was afraid from strong winds.

-The wind.

Strong wind and for some reason, every time there was strong wind

I just ran home.

And I close all the windows and I don't go out.

People are laughing. That is funny, man.

It's scary at the same time as much as it's funny.

Were your older brothers just getting fans?

My mum was panicking at one point, saying, "This is wrong."

It's so wrong, it's insane. Who's afraid of the wind?

But being afraid is a big thing.

And this need to stop so my grandma said to me,

-"You know what, you've got this witch that you can go..."

-A what?

-A witch.

-This story gets even better.

She said to me, "You need to take him somewhere to a village.

"And they're going to get him to a room, get him beside a river

"and they're going to put three bullets..."

Whoa! So far there's a witch, three bullets...

And all of a sudden, she got these bullets in a little bowl,

they just went, like somebody fired them.

I was like, "What's happening here?" It was scary, it was weird.

-I tell you what...

-It worked.

-If it's windy now, I'm fine with it.

Now, let's talk football.

Who would you say is your favourite player ever?

-I would say Henrik Larsson.

-Henrik Larsson, yeah.

Because I love playing against him and he's a great man, as well.

I would have thought it would have been Anton Ferdinand because

we're got a picture of you and Anton here and you look pretty close.

LAUGHTER

At that time we were quite close friends.

Mind you, Anton had it bad. Did you see what Tevez did to Rio?

-That's much worse.

-That's why I was gentle with Anton.

Do you want to be a manager? Do you fancy doing that?

You seem to have composure.

I'd like to see you on Match Of The Day, you'd be good.

-I'm...

-You'd be good.

Mixed at the moment. I'm doing my coaching badges at the moment.

I'm not really sure I want to be a manager.

Today's football is completely different.

-It's completely different, stress, the intensity...

-You'd be great.

Would you like to be my assistant? If we lose two games we'll be sacked.

I've got a better idea. Let's get a witch with some bullets.

She can be your assistant. If it's nice and windy, she pulls out the...

Would that not work? That would shit up Ronaldo.

-I don't think we would ever lose a game.

-We would never lose a game.

Am I right in saying you're back playing football?

-I am.

-But you're playing non-league.

-Over 35s. I'm getting older now.

And it is fun.

How does it differ, Premier League to Sunday League?

You pay £3 there to play.

It's a big difference there.

So before, you were getting paid thousands and now you rock up...

Have you ever had to ask your wife for the money?

"£3 so I can play?"

I didn't know from the start we needed to pay £3.

So, I kept leaving after the game, having a few beers, leaving.

So, one of the boys said, "You know we need to pay £3 to play?"

I was like, "Sorry?"

I didn't know, so they charged me for the first three games and I paid £9.

Nine quid, shit. So you were running up a debt?

I thought I would get there and they would say, "It's fine."

But no, they took it.

It is funny. When I was young, no pressure.

Go out there and enjoy, learn to play football. It's like the same again.

Presumably that's part of your identity,

-so to have it back must feel wonderful?

-It is.

I love playing football and I've got the chance to do that again,

without the pressure.

Being in the Premier League, being in professional football is

so intensive now.

It's so much pressure and over there is so relaxed.

It's like going back to my youth.

-I feel alive again.

-So, what does the future hold for you?

Future, I've got three more months of treatment.

I'm on chemo tablets every day.

One cycle end of January and that's it, I'm free.

And after that, in a year's time, I will try to go back and do something.

-What will I do? I don't know.

-The world's your oyster.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Stiliyan Petrov.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. Now, some ridiculous art stories in the news.

Did you see this?

What do you make of this?

It's the new star exhibit at the Serpentine Sackler Gallery in London.

The German artist behind the work overturned furniture.

Says it represents the harmony of everyday objects.

It represents the harmony of... No, it doesn't.

It looks like a toddler has thrown a shit fit in IKEA.

What is it with artists? Why does everything have to be crazy?

I mean, did you hear about this lady?

'My name is Casey Jenkins, I'm a performer craftivist

'doing a performance piece called Casting Off My Womb.'

Hmmm, sounds interesting.

I wonder what she's doing.

'I'm spending 28 days knitting from wool that I've

'inserted in my vagina.'

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

She's put wool up her fanny!

SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

That's not art.

That's just a really cheap tampon.

She's so pretentious.

Look at the reason she's doing it.

How is that a feminist protest?

She's hardly a suffragette, is she?

Emmeline Pankhurst went on hunger strikes,

she didn't knit a bobble hat with her growler.

"Shall we get women the vote?"

"Sod that, let's make some muff mittens."

# Sisters are doing it for themselves! #

Such bollocks, isn't it?

If you're an artist, you can get away with anything.

If that was my mum, she'd be in a van on her way to a home.

"It's for the Turner Prize." "Get in the van."

"Do you want a jumper?"

"No, I don't want a jumper."

She's mad. Look how she claims the public have reacted.

'When I'm sitting in the gallery knitting, a lot of the reaction

'is people say, "You're so brave. You're so brave." '

Brave, really?

I think you'll find the typical Aussie felt more like this.

It is fucking madness.

The next bloke who shags her is going to wind up with

a balaclava on the end of his knob.

LAUGHTER

And finally, here's a great story to end the series on.

Nathan is six years old. He has cerebral palsy.

We hit a spot where his confidence was really suffering.

We think he worked out that he was disabled

and not like other children.

So he started to whisper and if you say, "What did you say?"

and then he wouldn't repeat

because I think he started to realise that what

he said wasn't right or wasn't clear.

-Good boy.

-'But now Nathan's finding his voice,

'remarkably, with the help of ponies like Pisky, the miniature Shetland.'

-Tell him he's a good boy.

-Good boy.

-That's it.

A lot of children and young people that we work with live with

-a lot of anxiety, sadness.

-Good boy. Keep it going.

Horses are very naturally calming. Horses don't lie.

They express how they feel. They use a lot of body language.

It's easier to talk to a horse

because they don't expect things in the same way that human beings do.

They don't expect you to be perfect. They just take you as you are.

Children are encouraged to write down their fears.

The pieces of paper are made into a necklace

and carried by a horse down to the brook in Rugby.

The current is going to take them all away.

It's going to be really quick... Look at me.

It's going to be all your fears going, OK?

-How does Nathan feel, happy or sad?

-Happy.

-Happy.

'He's massively gained in confidence because if there's one thing

'he had to do here it's make a big voice,

'make himself tall. Just to see him bond with the horse'

and gain that confidence and feeling brave enough to do that

and not feeling judged by the horse, it was great.

What a dude. Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE