Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome to Good News.

So what's been happening? Over at BBC News,

I'm pretty sure Tim Willcox forgot this reporter's name.

-This report from...

-MUMBLED SPEECH

Is it me or is Hugh Bonneville on heat?

GROWLING

That's nothing!

Did anyone else see Charlie Stayt

boasting about the size of his penis?

Seven times bigger than a T Rex, weighing more a herd of elephants.

Over at BBC Midlands,

they had some ground-breaking advice for everyone.

You can't get cheese from a panda.

LAUGHTER

And finally. Here's a tip.

If you're doing a live news report, careful where you park your car.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Shit.

So what's been going on?

Well, in political news, the Plebgate saga is finally over.

He had denied he ever said it, but tonight, Andrew Mitchell is facing

the prospect of hefty libel damages after a judge ruled that,

on the balance of probabilities,

he HAD called police officers effing plebs.

After two years, we know what we always thought was true.

Andrew Mitchell is guilty of the poshest and shittest insult ever.

"You're a pleb! Yeah, and your bloody mother is a ruddy nincompoop!

"Yeah.

"I said it!"

Do you know who I feel sorry for? The policeman.

Did you see the reason Mitchell lost? Look what the judge said...

Poor sod! "I know you called him a pleb

"because that policeman is a fucking idiot!"

It's amazing! The judge found him guilty of calling a man a pleb...

by calling a man a pleb!

That's like finding someone guilty of sexual harassment

and then going up to a woman and going "huh huh"!

Mind you, talking of idiocy.

Oh, my God! This is sensational.

Check out Boris Johnson's answer to London's congestion problem.

Could the answer to overcrowded Tubes

and buses be travelling to work by trampoline? This isn't a joke.

Boris Johnson is backing a plan

to bring the world's longest trampoline to the capital.

That is classic Boris Johnson! "Let's go to work by trampoline!"

And for the way home a log flume run by monkeys!

Trampolining to work. It's insane.

They've already drawn up plans.

They are calling this the Bounceway.

The plan is for commuters to bounce to work.

People are going to bounce to work?

It's madness. What if it's near the Thames?

Mind you, trampolining to work would make mornings funny.

Did you do your make-up on the way to work?

From trampolining to reality TV. Did you hear about this?

Well, there's only one way that's going to go.

I'm Nigel Farage.

Oh, shit!

Elsewhere in the news. Oh, my God did you see Black Friday?

The rush to a Black Friday bargain descended into chaos

and, in some places, violence today.

Seconds after opening the doors,

Black Friday brought shoppers to their knees.

The loser - a little bit of British decorum.

Go for it!

Ah, Christmas, the season of goodwill to all men.

It's even more wonderful with a bit of festive music.

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# With the kids jingle belling

# And everyone telling you be of good cheer

# It's the most wonderful time of the year... #

# The most wonderful time of the year... #

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Imagine their kids on Christmas morning.

"Mummy, why's my present covered in blood?"

"Cos Mummy knocked someone's teeth out!

"Jingle Bells. Come on, sing it, you little shits!

"It's Christmas! Jingle bells!"

It's insane!

Grown women were fighting over tellies!

-What kind of behaviour is that?!

-Oi! No, no, no, no!

Hmmmm. Who does that woman remind me of?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

APPLAUSE

Oh, that's who.

It's ridiculous. Some people got to the shops at four in the morning!

Four! Still, at least they got what they really wanted.

-I'm not too sure if I want the Dyson or not.

-Why not?

I don't know, I just grabbed it to say I got something in my trolley.

"I just wanted a memento. I killed a man for it!

"I don't even have carpets, but he's dead!"

Still, if you think it was violent in England,

it was much worse in America.

Agh!

Have you seen the latest disease tearing through America?

We've been hearing a lot about ebola,

but we just found out about a new health threat

that's already infected nearly half the population.

It's called the stupidity virus.

That's right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Half the population of America is stupid. Half! That's like 78%.

LAUGHTER

That was... He's, "Oh, I don't... Oh."

This isn't a spoof.

Apparently, America is dealing with a stupidity virus.

Fair to say, they haven't taken the news well.

It's very scary. I hope they come up with, like, some kind of vaccine

so they can cure it.

If only there was somewhere they could go

to cure themselves of this dreaded disease!

A stupidity virus!

Do you reckon Bob Geldof's going to do a song for them?

# Read some books

# Stop them being stupid fucks!

# Read some books

# Teach them to say aluminium properly... #

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

"Aluminum!" It's not aluminum.

Mind you, it's too late for some of them.

Some people are already riddled with stupid.

Check out the answer this man gives

on America's version of Family Fortunes.

Tell me the man's name that starts with the letter K.

Kentucky Fried Chicken.

His brother Nando's couldn't believe it.

Talking of stupidity,

have you seen the latest photo bombing craze sweeping the States?

The Forest Service now warning people to stop taking selfies

with bears.

The prevailing attitude for years has been, if you see a bear,

don't threaten them, back away slowly.

Instead, people are turning their backs

and raising their phones for a candid shot.

People are taking selfies with bears! Look at that!

Actually, go back a minute. That's the kid from Up.

Why do people have to take selfies? Animals are magnificent.

You don't need to see a human face in front of it.

I mean, how shit would Life on Earth be

if David Attenborough did this?

If you want to have joy with an animal,

just spray a bit of water on a turtle's arse and watch it twerk.

# You know what to do with that big fat butt

# Wiggle wiggle

# Wiggle wiggle wiggle

# Wiggle wiggle wiggle... #

Unbelievably, that wasn't the maddest bear story in the news.

Winnie-the-Pooh has been banned from a town in Poland.

Have a look at the reason why.

They reckon Winnie-the-Pooh is gay!

Well, they have really misunderstood pooh sticks.

It's ridiculous. It's a cartoon! He's not sexual in any way!

He eats honey! It's not like he's going around going,

"Yo, Tigger, come and bounce on my Hundred Acre Wood!"

It's so ridiculous.

Check out the reason why they think Winnie-the-Pooh is gay.

What?! If a bear isn't wearing trousers, he's gay?

What do their zoos look like?

-ADOPTS BAD POLISH ACCENT

-"Here we have ze giraffe.

"As you can see, he's wearing a scarf which means he's bi-sexual."

"You may also notice that my Polish accent is a lot like German."

-LAUGHTER

-"I'm not very good at that!"

It's absurd. This isn't inappropriately dressed.

This is!

From cartoons to the world of film.

I sense a disturbance in the Force.

The trailer for the new Star Wars film has just been released.

-< Whoo!

-Cue an... Darn right, madam.

Cue an absolute geek meltdown.

Thousands of fans filmed their response to the trailer

and they are amazing. Some lost their mind over the spacecrafts...

Oh, my God! The Millennium Falcon! It's the Millennium Falcon!

It's the Millennium Falcon!

..some went full Wookie...

GROWLS LIKE A WOOKIE Yeah!

Yeah!

..but my favourite reaction was definitely this guy.

Is it me or is he watching it whilst getting a blowjob?

Oh... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

It's so awesome!

And I'm not the only one who thought so.

Oh! Oh!

Tell me he hasn't just jizzed in his pants.

Absolutely!

Some great religious stories knocking around.

Have you seen the latest news about vicars?

A London comedian says he's on a mission from God to make

church sermons more interesting.

He says almost 50 members of the clergy have now attended

his free comedy course which teaches vicars the art of telling jokes.

Ha-ha! Vicars are going to start telling gags!

Well, that's going to be a barrel of laughs, isn't it?

"Hey, guys. Knock! Knock!"

AUDIENCE: Who's there?

"Jesus, and he loves you."

"Tough congregation!

"Hey, guys, guys!

"How many Jesuses does it take to change a light bulb?

"None - he IS the light."

It's not just vicars.

They reckon this has been going on since Biblical times.

Jesus himself told jokes.

I think the whole thing about the camel going through the eye of

the needle, originally, people would have laughed at the absurdity of it.

Jesus was a stand-up! I'd love to have seen that.

She knows!

I was with my dad the other day, left the door open, he's like,

"Oi! Were you born in a barn?!" I said, "Yeah!"

Gold again. Frankincense again.

Myrrh? What the fuck is myrrh?!

Come on, guys, give me a chance! Give us a chance!

Cross? Cross! I was bloody furious!

Let's have a drink, shall we? Let's have a bloody drink. Oh!

Did I? Yes, I did. I'm the son of God.

Mind you...

If you think using comedy to sell religion is strange,

check this out...

I'm not making this up - here they are.

Dean and Cristy Parave are devout Christians

but they've found an unusual way

of spreading God's word -

through swinging.

What?!

How can you preach Christianity through swinging?

Jesus said "Love thy neighbour",

not "Film them banging".

Check out the reason why they're doing it.

God's not going to put a lion with a bunch of elephants.

What's he going to do?

He'll put a swinger with a bunch of swingers to spread his word.

"God's not going to put a lion with an elephant"?

I think this guy puts it best...

What a load of shit.

Tell you what, though, if swinging Christianity comes over here,

it's really going to change Songs of Praise.

Imagine that? You switch on the TV and they're like...

# I tea-bagged my neighbour

# While my wife kissed a gimp

# We went pretty hard

# Now I walk with a limp

# I had fun with Linda, Kevin Stacey and Sven

# And three days later I rose again

# Swing then, wherever you may be

# Reach in the bowl and grab a car key

# Now part your cheeks like Moses did the sea

# But stay away from Bob cos he's got VD. #

Now, my guest this week is one of the few politicians in this country

people actually like.

He's been a postman, a Cabinet minister

and is now a best-selling author.

Please welcome Alan Johnson MP.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you.

Now...

The public are very disillusioned with politicians at the minute.

Why do you think that is?

Well, I don't know if the public were ever in love with politicians.

That is a fair point.

Although, didn't William Hague

have posters of Margaret Thatcher in his...?

Yeah, but that was William Hague.

He wasn't representative of normal youth.

No, we don't have photographs of politicians on the wall and all that.

We've got this air of scepticism, which I think is fine.

Cynicism is a bit...a bit more difficult.

You would struggle to sleep

if there was a poster of Ed Miliband on your wall, wouldn't you?

It'd feel like the eyes always followed you around.

How did you know I had that poster?

Has someone told you I had that poster?

I think it's fair enough.

There's Take That and there's Ed Miliband...

What's your favourite Take That song?

-What's my favourite...?

-# Never forget where... #

The one they did...da-da-da...

I want you back again - for good. Want you back for good.

That's the Bee Gees - how does that go?

-That's not the Bee Gees.

-It was the Bee Gees originally.

-# I want you back for good. #

-No, it's not.

-It's not?

-No.

-It's written by Gary Barlow, you'll find.

-Oh, really?

There you go!

APPLAUSE

You're thinking of their final single.

-I am thinking of How Deep Is Your Love?

-That's it.

I've made an absolute fool out of myself. I didn't realise.

Can we keep this bit in the programme?

I'll keep all of it in.

What do you think makes a good politician?

Well, most people would say it's the ability to talk.

I think it's the ability to listen, I think, to genuinely listen -

not just do what you're doing now, which is like...

HE MUTTERS INTO HIS HAND

Thinking of the next thing you're going to say...

-APPLAUSE

-Guilty.

But you're absolutely right. My dad says that.

"You don't listen - you just wait for gaps to take the piss."

You'll get plenty of opportunity with me, I assure you.

But I think to genuinely listen to people

and to understand their lives -

I think the vast majority of MPs have to have that

in order to be elected, or re-elected.

Cos people suss them out very quickly.

What do you, em...

What do you make of Ed Miliband?

-I like him.

-You like Ed Miliband?

That poster was a joke. I don't have the poster on the wall.

-I'm not suggesting...

-No, that's...

-Are you behind him as a leader?

-Yes.

-Do you think you're going to win with him?

-Yes.

Do you REALLY think you're going to win with him?

Look, if you think about how many times a party has been chucked

out of office in this country and come back just five years later,

it's only happened once in the last 80 years,

so it's a tough gig to actually come back after one term in opposition.

And he's in with a fighting chance.

-You'd like him, I assure you.

-I'm sure I would.

OK, let's be a bit lighter, a bit frothier, a bit of silliness -

what's the maddest thing you've seen in the House of Commons?

I haven't...funny things have happened to me.

So when I was made a minister in 2005,

when I was at Work and Pensions, Tony Blair rang and said,

"I want you to move to another department.

"It was called the DTI, but we're calling it something else,

"but I can't remember what it is - your permanent secretary will ring tomorrow and tell you."

So he rang me up and said, "Yes, the new department is called

"the Department for Productivity, Energy" - capital 'E', small 'n' -

"Industry and Science."

And I said, "That's the Ministry for PEnIS."

And he said, "Yes, Minister."

I said, "Whose idea was that?" He said, "I don't know."

And when I went to see...

You have to meet the Prime Minister on the Wednesday

to talk about what you're going to do in your new position.

We had a chat and he said, "Anything else?"

I said, "Why is my department called the Department for PEnIS?"

And he looked around - there were loads of his acolytes around,

and...talk about failure is an orphan,

success has many parents.

They go, "Don't know, wasn't me."

So he said, "Is it too late to change it back?

I said, "They've taken down the old sign from 1 Victoria Street,

"but they haven't erected a new one."

A bad word to use. And he said, "Just change it back."

So, thankfully - true story -

Britain was saved from having a Department for PEnIS.

A Johnson, and they put you in the Ministry of PEnIS?

Yeah.

We are referred to as members, in the House.

There was a great story about you and Tony Blair - is this right?

Tony Blair, when he first met you, said, "You've got three..."

-No...

-I know the story.

Have you heard this? Amazing quote, what Tony said.

Poor Tony - he's probably heard enough of this.

So you had this meeting early in the New Year, just after Christmas,

and I went up to his flat and he has a son

who's the same age as mine, born in 2000.

And so all the toys were around

and Tony said, "You've got kids, haven't you?"

I said, "Yeah. I had three kids by the time I was 20."

Listen to this - what about this?

And Tony said, "Three children by the time you were 20?" I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Gosh, Alan, you really are working class."

LAUGHTER

I've got a few quickfire questions, that all right? Very, very quick.

Would you rather spend an hour in a lift with Boris Johnson on acid

or watch Ed Miliband eat a sandwich?

Watch Ed Miliband eat a sandwich.

What if you were on acid?

I'd watch Ed Miliband eat Boris Johnson.

Have you ever found Nick Clegg in the House of Commons just weeping?

No.

Tearful, but not weeping.

Do you think David Cameron's had botox?

Eh, yes. Definitely.

Had it when he was about ten.

This one's from my mum.

-IMITATES HIS MUM:

-You're members of Parliament, so instead of MPs

-why are you...?

-Is she from Ireland?

-No, she's...no.

My mum's from Bristol - how dare you, Alan!

-Sorry.

-Apologise to my mum.

BRISTOLIAN ACCENT: I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I love it - my mum will be watching going, "Oh, Alan Johnson's saying hello to me!"

This is a question from Mum, right?

You're members of Parliament, so instead of MPs,

why are you lot not called MoPs?

That's a very good question. We're called lots of things.

MoPs is one of the most polite.

Finally, I read recently that you would give up everything

to be in a band.

I would have given up everything to succeed in a band, yeah.

What if the opportunity arose now?

What if you were given the opportunity to play guitar

in front of hundreds of people?

-I...

-You'd probably go for that.

You'd be absolutely mad to turn down an option like that,

if I was suddenly to pull out an axe and ask you to crank out some tunes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You know...

-You telling me you don't want to play that?

-Not really, no. Thank you, Russell.

-You don't want to give it a go?

Not really, no, because...

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

RUSSELL STRUMS GUITAR

-64-year-old blokes jumping around as if they were 27 is...

-What's that?

# While my guitar gently weeps... #

Look at her - you sure you don't want to...?

-You obviously can't play.

-I'd love to be able to play.

Genuinely, I can't play at all.

I've got about four at home, but I've never...

I've never just sat down and tried. I can do...

-I'll do you one lick, shall I? Just one.

-Absolutely.

CHEERING

-Not even a lick.

-Yeah!

ALAN PLAYS RIFF FROM NORWEGIAN WOOD

There you go.

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

There you go.

There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Alan Johnson!

The big charity news of the week was this.

Prince Harry has revealed one of his secrets

as part of a campaign to reduce stigma associated with HIV.

Harry is joined by a host of stars who have all released online videos

in support of the charity Sentebale's campaign

for World Aids Day.

So what incredible, earth-shattering secrets

did Prince Harry and his celebrity friends reveal about themselves?

My secret is, believe it or not,

I get incredibly nervous before public speaking.

I am absolutely scared and terrified of cats.

I have never watched Star Wars.

My secret is I ate all my advent calendar chocolates already.

God...

I feel like a right idiot.

I thought we were revealing big secrets.

On weekends, I'm called Roxanne!

And finally tonight, a beautiful story

about how sign language can change people's lives.

Patrick Otema is 15 years old. He was born deaf.

But in this remote region of northern Uganda,

there are no schools for deaf children.

In his whole life, Patrick's never had a conversation.

Patrick's fate is not unusual.

The majority of deaf people in sub-Saharan Africa

have never been taught sign language.

Unable to communicate with others, they are trapped in their own minds.

Raymond became deaf as a child after a bout of malaria.

Six months ago, he travelled to the capital

for intensive training in sign language.

Now he's returned to his village to do something unprecedented.

He's going to teach the first sign language course ever set up here.

New deaf students keep arriving.

Many have walked miles to be here.

There's a nine-year-old boy and an 80-year-old woman.

Before the end of the class, each new student goes to the front.

The class votes on a new name for them.

This is now Patrick's sign name

and he will use it for the rest of his life.

He has just been baptised into a whole new world.

Pretty cool.

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Good night.