Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and

adult humour from the start.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Hello and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

BBC News showed the shortest episode ever of Who Do You Think You Are...

Er, oh! I'm already dead.

Over at BBC Breakfast, I think Bill and Naga took ketamine...

THEY MUMBLE

That's nothing,

I'm pretty sure the guys at Look North dropped some acid...

DRUMMING

Did anyone else see that guy with the scariest shadow ever?

For me in particular...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

And finally, if you're going to put off a reporter,

THIS is how you do it.

The, er...ambulance just left,

a fire truck just left.

There's a...uh...

But...we're live...

So what's been going on?

Well, the big political news was Ukip's victory

in the Rochester by-election.

Ukip has its second Westminster MP

after it won the Rochester and Strood by-election.

Mark Reckless took 16,867 votes.

Mark Reckless, the second Tory defector turned Ukip MP

was big news.

I'm going for a pint.

Who is this Mark Reckless?

Who is this dangerous renegade,

this maverick who's tearing Westminster apart?

Christ, he sounds so dynamic.

I wonder how he celebrated?

Nigel went down the pub last night to celebrate.

How did you celebrate? Did you get any sleep at all?

Uh, I had an orange juice.

I had an orange juice!

Later on, I had a Ribena.

Reckless by name, reckless by nature!

Shut up, shut up.

Bloody shut your mouth - I bloody stayed up till 11:30, I did!

I'm bloody bonkers, I am - I'm absolutely mad.

HOW did he get elected?

He's the most nervous man I've ever seen.

-Huh, thanks for all your help.

-It's OK.

It's great to have you on board, huh...

-Thank you.

-Huh.

Good. And we'll get on with the day. Thank you, guys. Huh-huh.

Thanks, huh... Thanks, guys, huh...

It sounds like he's having a mini orgasm!

You can't have him as an MP!

Imagine him making speeches.

"We'll, uh...fight them

"uh...on the beaches.

"Brrrruh.

"Has anyone got any Tropicana?"

Mind you, it's easy to see why he defected to Ukip -

I mean, the signs were always there.

LAUGHTER

On that note, if you're going to have right wing policies,

careful where you put the mic, Nigel.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did you see Farage after they won?

He wins my award for most obvious statement of the week.

If you vote Ukip, you get Ukip.

Obviously, you twat!

That's like saying if you buy a banana, you get a banana.

Now, what I find baffling - you get all these people going,

"We're voting Ukip cos we want a change!"

Eight weeks ago, Mark Reckless was a Tory MP!

HIS Government caused the problems that he's campaigning against.

That's like me taking a shit on the floor,

then changing my clothes and going, "Who did that?"

LAUGHTER

"SOMEONE has shat on the floor!

"What, he looked just like me? Unbelievable, that is."

Let's be honest, it's got nothing to do with change -

we all know the reason why people vote Ukip.

Politicians? Well, most of them are liars.

We're getting scum in this country.

We're fed up with Tories and the Labour people.

-No control over immigration.

-Vote for a new party.

-Immigration is a concern.

-The others are faffing about.

Because of immigration.

And I can't get a job. If I paint myself black

or talk in a foreign language, I might get a job.

LAUGHTER

I'm not so sure you will.

Mind you, not everyone is affected

by the fear-mongering talk of immigration.

Did you see the wonderful answer that this kid gave?

-You're fine with having a mate from...

-Yeah.

-..Poland, Bulgaria.

-Yes, there's no problem with that.

-No problem?

What do you say to a guy in Westminster,

in the House of Commons who says it is a problem?

I'd say they need to buck up.

I salute you, you little legend!

Now, the other thing I find fascinating about Ukip

is that they've convinced the nation

that they're the political party for everyday people. How?

Have you seen the kind of people that fund them?

Demetri Marchessini, a now retired Greek businessman

was Ukip's sixth-biggest individual cash donor last year.

He's given Ukip a lot of money.

So what's his major political gripe?

Immigration? Tax? The NHS?

No - trousers.

-You think women should be banned from wearing trousers?

-Yes.

What, by law?

They used to be, for thousands of years.

Do you know that until 300 years ago, a woman wearing trousers

would be executed?

What a man of the people!

300 years ago, a woman wearing trousers would be executed!

He's like a sexist version of the Churchill dog.

"Trousers? Oh, no-no-no!"

He's a lunatic!

Look what he thinks will happen if women stop wearing skirts.

There are several reasons not to wear trousers.

The first is they don't look as nice as skirts.

The second is trousers don't excite men. Only skirts excite men.

Why should women dress to excite men?

Because that's the only way the world is going to continue.

If they don't, then men are going to stop BLEEP-ing them.

That's right. That's right, my friends...

APPLAUSE

The man who funds Ukip thinks the greatest threat to mankind

isn't disease,

isn't climate change.

It's trousers.

Well, he's not going to like this.

WHOOPING

CANCAN PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now...

LAUGHTER

..elsewhere this week, did you hear about the economy?

David Cameron has warned

another global financial crisis could be looming.

The Prime Minister says red lights are flashing because international

issues like Ebola, instability in Ukraine

and slowing markets could jeopardise the UK's recovery.

According to Cameron, we're on the brink of another global recession.

So what plan has he come up with to fix our ailing economy?

Cameron wants toddlers running businesses!

His own daughter thought it was so stupid, she tried to break his neck.

Poor teachers!

Imagine trying to teach a five-year-old about business.

"OK, kids. What's your average turnover?"

"Um... I dunno, about three times a night."

"OK. What are your overheads?"

"Er, clouds."

"OK, how do you reach out to your customers?"

"Just like that..."

LAUGHTER

Kids don't understand business, do they?

You ask a child who Lord Sugar is, they think it's this guy.

What business can you run when you're five?

I couldn't run a business. I couldn't even RUN properly.

'Go on, Russ! Mum's little angel!

'Why's he got his hands up like that?

'He looks like a bloody orang-utan.'

LAUGHTER

Oh, oh, FUNNY.

Oh, yeah, really...

Oh, ha-ha-ha.

Ha, ha, ha(!)

Mind you, if this idea takes off,

it's really going to change this programme.

-Hello, Dragons! I'm Russell Howard.

-What's wrong with his eyes?

-Is he looking at me or you?

-Oh!

You need a patch for your eye like a pirate.

Why are you so vicious?

You've heard of Reggae Reggae Sauce,

this is Russy Russy Sauce.

Eurgh!

-(He's freaking me out.)

-Oh, I'm freaking you out?

You're a little girl sat in a big chair.

She won't stop staring at me.

If I was a real dragon, I would kill you with fire.

Yeah? Well, if I was a...

If I was a unicorn I'd shit in your garden.

-I'm out.

-I'm out.

-I'm out, including my teddy.

-I'm out!

-You make me sick!

APPLAUSE

I like that we were applauding the fact I got thrown it!

5-year-olds don't want to run businesses.

They've got bigger issues, like love.

-You can't have three girlfriends?

-It's like I...I have to give one up.

Oh, no. How are you going to decide who to give up?

I don't know.

It's like...they're all pretty. I have to give one up.

It's rough being five, isn't it?

I wish I was four again.

It's the loveliest thing you've ever seen.

"I wish I was four again!

"Now I'm five all I see is trouble."

Unbelievably, toddlers running businesses

wasn't even the maddest political story of the week.

Did you hear what the Chancellor has been spending our tax money on?

What a prick!

People are struggling to make ends meet

and he's blowing money on a fucking milk monitor.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

"Jeeves! Make sure nobody takes my Cravendale."

Poor milk monitor. Imagine doing that for a living.

"I work for the Government." What department? "Semi-skimmed."

Don't worry though, I popped into Downing Street this week.

ZIP IS LOWERED

LIQUID TRICKLES Oi!

Bah! So what else has been going on?

Well, bizarre news about funeral songs.

We're used to the weekly top 40 chart to find

out who's been having the biggest impact on the music industry.

Now that's been applied to the songs

and hymns most frequently played at funerals.

There was a study done to find the nation's top 30

favourite funeral songs, and they are absolutely mental.

Did you see what was number one?

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

Cheeky but understandable. Did you see what was number four?

The Match Of The Day theme tune! How can you have that at a funeral?

What? Are the vicars going to talk like commentators?

"Oh! That is an unbelievable cremation!

"He's looked up, he's seen the space and he's absolutely buried her."

The Match Of The Day Theme tune!

The weirdest by far. Did you see what was at number 17?

People get buried to Coronation Street.

Imagine the mourners. "I miss her every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

"Especially on omnibuses."

It's madness! You can't bury people to TV theme tunes.

Imagine the vicar! "And now we say goodbye for the final time."

COUNTDOWN THEME

You can't do that.

It makes you think, though.

What music will you play at your funeral?

I've already come up with mine.

CANCAN PLAYS

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

-Now, elsewhere this week...

-LAUGHTER

..the BBC have been in hot water over subtitles.

The BBC has been criticised for using subtitles

in an interview with a blacksmith in County Londonderry

on its Countryfile programme.

Did you see the interview? I can't believe they subtitled it!

Here it is without the captions.

It is so obvious what he's talking about.

SPEAKS WITH STRONG ACCENT

No idea!

To be honest it doesn't make a huge amount of sense

with the subtitles on.

Something about a unicorn?

You have to subtitle people sometimes.

You need to hear what they have to say.

Otherwise you'd miss out on wonderful moments like this.

Glad to hear that.

It isn't just the BBC in trouble. Did you hear about Paddington Bear?

Paddington Bear's creator, Michael Bond,

has spoken of his shock after the film version of his book

was deemed unsuitable for children.

The British Board of Film Classification

warned of sex references, dangerous behaviour and bad language.

Paddington is too risque for kids!

You're telling me!

Now, you won't believe this,

but I've managed to get hold of a sneak preview of the film.

-HE INHALES

-Mmm!

HE MOANS

-PADDINGTON: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

-Oh, no!

LIGHTER SPARKS Ah!

Now, in 2013 a remarkably well preserved mammoth

was found in permafrost and this lady defrosted it.

Tori gets a chance to examine

the best preserved adult mammoth trunk ever found.

What's really, really brilliant is that the most important end,

the tip, is almost entirely complete.

For Tori, the trunk is an emotional connection to this mammoth

that lived so long ago.

The mammoth's trunk is what it uses to interact

with its environment, to pick up food for feeding,

to caress its baby when it's suckling,

to interact and reassure its friends and family.

It looks like it's smiling at me! SHE LAUGHS

Please welcome Dr Tori Herridge.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for coming on the show.

I was going to shake your hand but I don't know where it's been.

-Up to the elbows in mammoth meat.

-Wow.

You don't hear that often enough.

Up to your elbows in mammoth meat.

That sounds like a really specialist pornography.

What was it like, dissecting a mammoth? What's that like?

Absolutely incredible.

I mean, I'm a palaeontologist, I work on fossils normally,

so to have the opportunity to get up close

and very, very, very interactive with, kind of, flesh...

Quite bloody in some respects. It was really sort of gory.

Cos that shirt was white before you started.

Yeah. It was really... It was extraordinary. I can't...

They kept using the word emotional and it was emotional,

because, you know,

you're looking at something which has been dead for 40,000 years

and yet somehow it remained frozen, so it didn't fossilise.

It looked and smelt as though it had died

maybe only a week or so earlier.

Do you think the make-up girls who deal with Bruce Forsyth

go through a similar...

One thing I didn't get - we've actually got a clip of it here -

is you see a lot of experts, Siberian experts,

and then halfway through you see this man doing this.

Explain this to me.

And the flesh looked almost as fresh

as the day that the mammoth had died.

Now, what the hell is going on there? Had he forgotten his lunch?

-What's happening?

-What a legend!

-What do you mean?

What a complete legend! I mean, come on!

It's like the grand tradition of scientists

experimenting on themselves. Imagine that.

You're in the field, you've got none of your lab equipment.

You've just come across possibly the best preserved flesh

of a mammoth ever seen and you're wondering, "How fresh is it really?"

What would you do? How else can you test it?

I thought you'd be annoyed because, "Wow! A mammoth!"

And he's like, "Nom-nom!" He's like Luis Suarez.

Surely that would annoy you.

Nah. It's just a wee nibble. It wasn't like he ate the whole thing.

-Did you have a bit?

-No.

By the time I got to it, it had been defrosted and then refrozen.

People are making kebabs out of it.

I do wonder, though, whether I would...

I never asked him what it tasted like and I really regret that.

I'm intrigued. I really want to know.

So... Can... Because basically you've brought an animal...

The mammoth defrosted and there was blood in the mammoth.

That raises the idea that we could bring the mammoth back to life.

-Yeah.

-Could we bring animals back to life?

-People are trying.

They're trying. One of the main groups that were there

was a group from South Korea from a place called Sooam.

They were taking samples of the tissues,

the flesh and some of the blood as well.

They're hoping that in there,

because it was so well preserved, they're going to find

a complete mammoth cell with all of its DNA perfectly intact.

If they find that, what they want to do is snip out that bit of the cell

with all the DNA, pop it into an Asian elephant egg cell,

zap it with electricity and make it grow into a mammoth baby.

-What if he ate the bit?

-Mm.

What if that was the bit they're after

and a mammoth grows out from within him?

Are there any animals, specifically, you'd like to see back?

I don't want to bring the mammoth back.

-You don't want to bring the mammoth back. He's gone.

-Well, yeah.

It would be amazing to see. You just can't do it,

as far as I can see, without involving some Asian elephants

-along the way, to experiment on them.

-What about...

I've got some ideas here for animals that we can cross-breed.

We cross-breed a cat and a dog,

which is a pet that's always pleased to see you but buries its own shit.

-Not bad. Not bad.

-Is that allowed? Would you have that?

I think it's more interesting than bringing back a mammoth.

I have to say, people often talk about bringing things back

and you're never going to actually get something back from the dead,

you're always going to be creating something new.

-So why not get imaginative?

-If we're getting imaginative,

how about we cross-breed Boris Johnson with a meerkat?

Imagine having a little Boris meerkat in your room.

Just tickle its belly and nonsense pours out.

-Would you clone yourself?

-Oh, no.

-Why?

-Would you?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I was talking about this with my mates.

Right, as you're a scientist you might know the answer to this.

-But if I was with my clone, let's say...

-Your younger clone.

So as you were getting older and older and older,

-it would be a constant reminder of your lost youth.

-Yeah.

Anyway, you're with your clone.

Yeah, what I was about to ask you is now really different

-because I imagine it being a clone with the same age.

-Yeah.

-Interesting.

-But we're not. Right. Let's make him a bit older for this.

Let's say I'm about, you know, I'm about 60,

and me and my clone are in our bedroom, in separate beds.

If I - as you're a scientist -

if I catch him masturbating, does that make me gay if I watch?

Yeah, I don't... No, probably not.

Would you...do you feel gay, Russell?

-Would you like to talk about that a bit more?

-Possibly. Why not?

We could, while we're here.

-I just think it would be weird, wouldn't it?

-It's a bit...

I'd be like, "Good on you! That's not how I do it, but..."

-Give some tips.

-Give him some tips, yeah. I've already given him one!

Now, I read a very interesting thing about you.

One of the things that got you into science - you know what it is -

was reading The Clan Of The Cave Bear books.

Now, I'm not sure if you're familiar with The Clan Of The Cave Bear books

-but I've got a quote here from Mammoth Hunters.

-Oh, God. Yeah.

This is going to be good.

"She felt under his parka and tunic for his drawstring,

"untied it then reached for his hard, throbbing member

"and rubbed her hands along its shaft."

-That just screams science, doesn't it?

-Yes.

It's easy why you thought, "I'm going to find me a mammoth."

These were...I came across these books when I was a teenager...

You what across these books?

Bad choice of words. What an idiot. Brilliant.

"Finally they pulled apart.

"'I should clean myself a little,' she said, getting up.

"'These are new leggings.'

-"He said..." This is the romantic bit.

-Yeah, the romantic bit.

"'When we get back you can leave them outside to freeze

"'and then brush it off.'"

-Great books. You should read them all.

-What's next for you?

-We've got some more fieldwork in Sicily and Malta.

-Nice.

Next year, yeah.

We're going to Malta to work in this cave which, actually,

if you go on holiday to Malta you can go there.

It's called Ghar Dalam cave and it's full of dwarf hippo,

-dwarf elephant and dwarf deer skeletons.

-Oh, right.

We're trying to work out how old they are

by taking bits of stalagmite and dating them.

-When are you doing that?

-Hopefully March. If we get the permits.

It was a pleasure to meet you. Thank you so much for coming in.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Tori Herridge!

Check out what a think-tank in Sweden is campaigning for.

They've invited people to come up with a name for female masturbation.

These guys are already on it.

-Play the trumpet.

-Bombs in the garden.

The widening of the A453.

-Prawn linguini.

-Line dancing.

-Piston stuffing.

-Coma in a bottle.

-Dickering around.

-The handling of bushmeat.

-Banana split.

-Climbing the stairs.

-Fiddling with the controls.

-Holding a kitten.

The fish twitcher.

-Drilling for oil.

-Cutting concrete.

-Rat running.

-Thigh slapping.

-Dribble, dribble, dribble.

-Ribbon cutting.

-Get a wiggle on.

Do you know what a wormhole is? HE LAUGHS

That's Stayty all over. An absolute animal.

Finally tonight, a story about a wonderful dog

who was just too courageous to ignore.

We're doing our acclimatisation for the World Cup

and getting ready for the start.

High in the mountains of Ecuador,

Team Peak Performance were preparing for a gruelling adventure.

What none of them knew was that they'd pick up another

team-mate along the way.

They met him somewhere in the Amazon, ragged and hungry.

They gave him a meatball and shooed him away

but the dog had other ideas.

As they continued their 440 mile race, he never left their side.

He defined the word dogged.

Struck by his fearlessness, they named him after King Arthur.

On the kayak stage he swam alongside his new team-mates

until they lifted him onto the boat.

Where they slept, he slept.

And when they finally reached the finish line two days later,

Arthur was with them.

He was a street dog and, I think, to follow us on this adventure,

this was like...

I think he was thinking that, "OK, this is my chance.

"These guys have been kind to me and that means something.

-"I'll go with these guys."

-Next stop, the vet.

For probably the first time in his life.

And for the team, the realisation that they couldn't leave him behind.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE By now his fame had spread

and he arrived in Sweden to a hero's welcome.

The South American stray who had won his team-mates' hearts

and travelled 6,000 miles to find a home.

Ah, that was lovely. What a dude.

Thank you very much for watching Good News.

And ladies, for God's sake, wear trousers.

In fact, better still, get a load of your mates together and do this.

CAN CAN PLAYS

Good night, my friends! Good night.