Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and

adult humour form the start.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hello!

And welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening? Is it me or are UKIP running out of ideas?

If you vote UKIP, you might get Ebola.

Did anyone else see that guy making up sayings on the news?

No ifs, no buts, no coconuts.

I tell you what, I think Katie Price

has taken the plastic surgery too far.

Think of a robot, and Lucy comes pretty close...

And finally, did you hear how Andrew Marr felt after watching

the new series of Orange Is The New Black?

Very wet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on? Well, the big space news was this...

European scientists are celebrating one of the greatest achievements

in the history of space exploration.

A four-billion mile journey through space to land a robotic spacecraft

the size of a fridge on a comet just two miles wide.

It's amazing! They landed a probe on a comet four billion miles away

moving at 84,000 miles an hour. Or as this scientist put it...

It's like shooting a bullet at a bullet

whilst riding a horse blindfolded.

And that is tricky. Some people struggle to even ride a horse.

Now, I love this scientist.

Most people would have worn a lab coat to do an interview.

Not him. He rocked up dressed like a horny darts player.

I'm incredibly confident...

Did you see the moment the probe landed?

Were the scientists all calm and composed? Not really.

I'm so excited!

It's worked! It's landed! It's landed!

You've waited years for this.

I've waited years!

I'm just so excited!

I'm going to cry!

-MIMICKING:

-It's the greatest day of my life!

She got even more excited later on.

-It's just like...

-SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

Jesus.

I think we all know how SHE felt.

Very wet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

However, once all the giddiness faded away,

it turned out the landing hadn't quite gone to plan.

It did manage to land on the surface of a comet, but bounced twice,

landing on its side in the shadow of a crater wall.

This is not the situation that we were hoping for.

Shit.

Basically, the bullet missed the bullet and killed the horse.

So why did the landing go wrong?

Well, some people blamed the harpoon,

some people blamed the thrusters. But I know what happened.

The scientists got distracted at the last minute.

CHEERING

It's incredible, isn't it? We landed a probe on a comet

and all anyone was talking about this week was this.

In case, by some miracle, you didn't see her space-hopper arse,

here it is.

She broke the internet, presumably by sitting on it.

That's not just junk in the trunk.

She's got the whole Antiques Roadshow in her arse.

Kim Kardashian is so self-obsessed,

she's taken so many selfies you could put them together,

flick through them and see what she's done that year.

Nothing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You get these idiots going, "She's so brave."

She's not brave. This lady is brave.

Malala got shot in the face for going to school

and still speaks out against the Taliban.

Kim Kardashian just got her arse out like a fucking baboon.

HE HOWLS LIKE A BABOON

Exactly!

So, did her naked photos break the internet?

No. People just took the piss.

Doesn't matter how many times you see that,

it still makes you laugh.

Now, in more upbeat news, the Band Aid single was re-released

this week, and raised millions in the fight against Ebola.

Bob Geldof wins my award for Interview of the Week.

Check out the answer he gives this woman.

Clearly, as you say, it has gone bonkers in sales

but a lot of detractors saying "Look at the wealthy people in that room.

"If they all paid their taxes in the right way

"we wouldn't need these kind of fundraising singles."

-What would you say to them?

-I think they're talking bollocks.

Did he stop there? Oh, no.

"This trite song will raise a comparative pittance,

"ignores Africans, and has a logo implying the virus

"struck the entire continent.

"Patronising and perpetuating myths again,

"Band Aid should have learned its lessons and stayed silent."

Perhaps less colourfully, what would be your response to that?

Complete load of bollocks.

Sir Bob, I salute you.

In political news, the world leaders got together for the G20 summit.

But clearly someone wasn't keen.

Vladimir Putin is planning to leave the G20 summit in Australia

earlier than planned after facing a barrage of criticism

from world leaders over the conflict in Ukraine.

Who'd have thought world leaders

wouldn't like a homophobic warmonger who shoots down planes(?)

It's a really important summit, and Vladimir Putin went home early.

Did you see the bullshit excuse he came up with for leaving?

President Putin left early, saying he needed "to catch up on sleep".

"Putin need nap-nap!"

What is he, three? He's meant to be a world leader.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-"I cannot do this. I need beddy-byes.

"I also sound a lot like Alexander Meerkat."

It's pathetic, though.

Christ, what do they do, sing him lullabies?

# Rock-a-bye Putin on the tree top

# Invading and killing You'll never stop

# You told massive lies about invading Ukraine

-# Vladimir Putin's fucking insane.

-#

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Vladimir wasn't just facing criticism from world leaders.

Did you hear what this artist did as a protest

against his homophobic policies?

And what is that piece of art, I hear you cry? It's...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A Vladimir Putin butt plug.

Surely you call it Vlad the Impaler.

Some insane stores about parenting in the news.

Listen to what a man in Sweden did

to try and put his kids off Call Of Duty.

Parents often struggle to decide whether or not to let their children

play violent video games. But when ten-year-old Leo

and 11-year-old Frank asked their dad for a popular war game,

he came up with an unusual bargain.

Yes, he did.

Carl-Magnus Helgegren said that they could have it if they still

wanted it after witnessing the real consequences of war.

He took the boys to Israel, where they visited the Golan Heights

by the Syrian border, and a refugee clinic.

Holy shit!

His kids wanted to play Call of Duty,

so in an attempt to put them off, he took them to a warzone!

Thank God they didn't want Grand Theft Auto.

"Come on, son! Run over the prostitute!"

"Run her over!"

"I don't like it, Dad. I don't want to!"

"Do you want to play Sonic? Look at the roadkill!"

Wouldn't it be awful if it massively backfired

and they loved the warzone? "Best holiday ever!"

HE IMITATES A MACHINE GUN

"Do you want to play Call of Duty?" "No, we're going to join Al-Qaeda."

Still, this is dads for you. This is dads.

They sometimes just love to scare their children.

CHILD SINGS IN SHOWER

Dad, are you kidding me?!

HE SCREAMS

Mind you, if you think that taking your kids to a warzone is insane,

have a look what this Polish priest

reckons is the biggest threat to children.

Lego isn't dangerous for kids. Do you know what are?

Catholic priests.

I've never heard of a piece of Lego touching up a kid.

How does Lego turn kids to Satan? Are there kids,

"Hey, Sarah - why did you put the dog in the microwave?"

"Because everything is awesome!

"Everything is cool when you're killing your dog!"

This is the best bit.

Have you seen the specific reason why he reckons Lego is so evil?

It's the zombie figures. Brilliant.

A priest is going, "I don't want children

"learning about a creature that can come back from the dead.

"Anyway...

"..the story of Easter..."

It's unbelievable, isn't it? "Lego turns kids to Satan."

I think this guy puts it best.

I think they're talking bollocks.

Elsewhere this week, did you hear what happened in Paris?

French police and firefighters are on the trail of a tiger which has

apparently been spotted in a car park near Disneyland Paris.

Yeah, there's a tiger on the loose near Disneyland.

Police are on the lookout for this guy...

I love the advice the police gave. Did you see this? This is amazing.

Yeah, cos that's your first thought, innit?

"Oh, there's a tiger. I'll give him a cuddle.

"Oh, he's a bitey tiger."

Mind you, that wasn't even the strangest advice knocking around.

Why did they say that, if you saw it,

you should wrap your arms around yourself and shout at it in German?

-I've no idea.

-Apparently the guttural noise of German

is quite terrifying for tigers.

To save yourself from a tiger, you've got to speak to it in German.

"Mein name ist Russell Howard.

"Ich bin 34 jahre alt.

"Hast du ein geschwester?

"Ich really wishen I'd paid more attention..."

"..in mein German GCSE."

"Ich tasten nicht so good.

"Oh, shit, it's a lion! Buongiorno!"

How funny would my funeral be? "Did you hear what happened to Russell?

"He said guten morgen to a tiger."

Tigers hate German. It's such bollocks, innit?

Like tigers are there going, "I would eat him, but he's bilingual."

"Oh, and he's wearing lederhosen. That gives me the fear."

You know what I love most, there was a tiger on the loose in Paris

and what was the big animal news in England?

A swan sat down!

"Someone call the police! There's a swan and he's resting!"

Someone even took a picture.

How British is that?

Poor policemen! "Good day?"

"Yeah, I put bollards around a posh goose."

Have you seen the ridiculous way that the government

is trying to solve obesity?

Workers could be rewarded with cash or shopping vouchers

if they lose weight, under new plans backed by the NHS to battle obesity.

How patronising is that? "Hello, Mr Fatty.

"If you lose weight, I'll give you a pound!

"Don't eat it, you silly num-num!"

It's not just money. Look what Stoke County Council are doing.

How patronising is that?

These are the actual texts that they've sent to people...

And here are the replies they're going to get...

It's horrific!

Obesity is a medical condition.

Christ, what messages do they send for schizophrenia?

"Cheer up...

"both of you!"

"Ooh, this one's got OCD.

"I bet you wish this sentence had a full stop...comma."

It's so insensitive.

You're not going to solve obesity by sending motivational texts.

Besides, you don't know who you could be texting.

PHONE BEEPS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's true! You could be texting anyone.

My guest tonight is a poet, writer, performer and general troublemaker.

He's wonderful. Please welcome the fantastic Benjamin Zephaniah.

-Thank you so much for coming on the show.

-My pleasure, man.

I got to tell you something,

I should tell you this away from the audience, really,

-but I really love you, man.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

I really do, man. I watch your show - I don't watch much on television -

but I watch your show and I think,

"That's a guy I really want to wrestle with."

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

What a lovely thing to say.

-It's true.

-That's really lovely.

-I like your moves, man.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

I feel fantastic.

You'd like to wrestle with me?

I thought we were going to chat about poetry but it turns out

we could go down an entirely different avenue.

And I don't mean that as a euphemism.

But if you're up for that...

-How...

-LAUGHTER

There's a lovely air of sexual tension.

I've wanted to meet you for a while,

cos you describe yourself as a writer, a poet and a troublemaker.

What do you mean by that?

What I mean is...

that if we didn't have troublemakers...

..most of, if not all of,

the women in this audience wouldn't have the vote.

A black person wouldn't be talking to a white person.

I'd probably be back in slavery.

We need troublemakers to make trouble,

to challenge the establishment,

and I want to be one of these people that challenge the establishment.

What you've just said is amazing.

APPLAUSE

This is really strange,

but do you know the poem which says,

just reminded me of what you said...

"Those who dream by night In the dusty recesses of their mind

"Wake in the day to find that all is vanity

"But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men

"For they act upon their visions with open eyes

-and make them happen."

-That's deep shit, man.

-Nice, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

The way you said it is much better.

Who's the poet here?!

I read up about you and you've met so many amazing people - Bob Marley,

Nelson Mandela. Who is the person that sticks out the most to you?

Well, that's a really interesting question.

Cos I read a story that, when you met Nelson Mandela,

he was a fan of yours.

-Yeah, that was really bizarre.

-Isn't that amazing?

Cos when he was in prison -

he had a kind of government in exile in prison, so he had

a Minister of Education and a Minster of Transport and all that stuff.

And I also met the prison guards that held him captive.

And they said they would nick newspapers

and look at the news of the day

-and talk about what they would do as a government.

-Wow.

So one day he was given a parcel of my poetry and music -

in those days it was cassettes.

And they played it all and read it all and sat down and talked about

the political situation in Britain, what they would do as a government.

Yeah.

When I met Mandela, he was, like, thanking me for all the work

I've done in supporting the struggle against apartheid and I'm saying,

"Come on, man." You know?

"I'm thanking you for being such an inspiration."

-And Bob Marley, when I was a kid, I wrote a letter to him.

-Did you?

Yeah, I wrote a letter and sent him some poems and said, you know,

"My name's Benjamin Zephaniah, I come from Birmingham.

"And I write poetry." And he wrote me a handwritten letter back

-and said something like, "Britain needs you. Keep going."

-Aww!

-How old were you?

-It was very inspirational to me.

I was about 15 at the time.

-What an amazing thing. Do you still have that?

-No.

-How have you lost that?

-I left it at a girlfriend's house, mate.

LAUGHTER

I had to get out quickly!

Did you use that letter to go, "See who I know..."?

I used it all the time!

"Me and Bob Marley... Yeah."

"My mate Bob."

Favourite Bob Marley song, it's got to be Redemption Song, innit?

Yeah, I love Redemption Song. But I love Bob Marley as a poet.

I see him as a poet.

"This morning I woke up in a curfew

"Oh, God, I was a prisoner, too.

"Could not recognise the faces standing over me

"All dressed in uniforms of brutality

"How many rivers do we have to cross before we can talk to the boss?"

That's a song lyric but it's a poem, it's beautiful.

Not one of his most popular lyrics but, to me, one of his most powerful.

Honestly, if I was a woman right now...

LAUGHTER

Here's a question. Have you ever used poetry to woo ladies?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I'm still single.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you ever get stage fright?

-No, not really.

-OK. Some poets do.

I'm not sure if you've ever seen this,

but this is both toe-curlingly awkward and very funny.

-You're going to do a spoken word for us now, right?

-Right.

And tell us what we're about to hear.

-It's just a freestyle.

-OK.

-I'm just going to think it up.

-Freestyle.

-Let me sit back. Go ahead, Marshall.

-OK.

Years ago they tried to...

Years ago they tried to put me in a...

Uh, this is lie.

-Did you want to try to read something from your book?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

Who is your favourite poet? Or your favourite poem.

Well, my favourite poem is by Adrian Mitchell. Very short poem.

-The version I like is only three lines.

-OK.

"Most people ignore most poetry

"Because most poetry ignores most people."

I think that's very true.

A lot of people write poetry that's pretentious.

Trying to show off how educated they are.

I want to take poetry off the bookshelf

and give it back to the people.

I want to make it musical, funny, serious.

-But it's just so...

-I want people to understand that poetry's for them.

We can have a go, we can try and write a poem. Shall we write a poem?

Just write a poem about the news, that would be fun.

LAUGHTER

-Depends on what day you write it, mate.

-It does.

Benjamin Zephaniah

Vladimir Putin is a liar

It seems to me the world's a farce

Obsessed with Kim Kardashian's arse

Switch on the telly

There's news that will amuse

Make you cry or sob

Taking the piss, that's my job.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know what? I reckon his brother wrote that.

If my brother wrote that,

there'd have been a different rhyme for "job."

Thank you so much for coming on the show, it's been a genuine pleasure.

My pleasure, man. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Benjamin Zephaniah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, elsewhere this week, did you hear the news about pensioners?

It's the young who get the blame for Britain's boozy image, with scenes of

drunken carnage on a Friday and Saturday night.

But the official statistics tell a rather different story.

Problem drinking is on the rise,

not among teenagers, but among their grandparents.

Pensioners are getting wasted!

"I'm off me Zimmer!"

"Do you want to watch Countdown, Nan?" "No, I want to get bolloxed.

"Lazy-eyed bastard. I want to get on it."

It's not just drinking - check out this bloke.

I've got every intention of growing old disgracefully.

Tony even spent his 60th birthday in Ibiza.

We was dancing in Manumission at four o'clock in the morning.

How great is that? It's amazing.

I would love to see pensioners in Ibiza.

Do you reckon they're doing drugs?

I would love to see a granny on speed.

"I've knitted four jumpers!"

"Who wants a scarf? Who wants a scarf?"

"Tea cosy! I'll do you a tea cosy!"

Wouldn't that be amazing? Little grannies just wandering around

the club - "I've just had some magic mushroom tea!

"Not as nice as PG, but on the plus side,

"I've turned into a badger!"

"I'm a knitting badger!"

So booze, drugs, anything else?

Yes! According to the latest research...

Digger Dan! That is amazing. I tell you what,

if they come up with a dating site for pensioners,

they have to call it Wrinkle Pickers.

"I'm on WrinklePickers.com.

"Like. Like..."

It's a lovely image, isn't it, grannies flirting online?

"Oh-ho-ho! 'I'll put the "oh" into OAP.' "

It's not just dating. Check out this silver fox.

We've got the internet now so therefore one watches pornography.

And I wanted some of that.

"I wanted some of that." He's incredible.

He's not just watching porn, he's getting his funk on 24/7.

And who thought, at 69, I'd be a sex icon?

And I am!

It's just suddenly sex, sex, sex, and I'm good at it.

That's the biggest surprise.

LAUGHING: I'm actually quite good at it!

"I'm a sexual legend!

"Still, you know what they say, once you go grey, you can't stay away."

Finally, here's a guy who risks his life every day

simply to allow kids to read.

NEWSREADERS SPEAK SPANISH

The mobile library is like an ice cream truck.

You know, Nelson comes in, goes down the main road of the neighbourhood

and he starts honking and it's like a call to all these children.

You hear them screaming, running around, jumping in joy,

charging towards the car. And the second Nelson parks the car,

these kids are rushing into the pick-up truck.

You have these kids carrying tables twice their weight,

trying to run to set things up cos they're so eager, they're so excited.

IN SPANISH:

He tells the children that they have 15 to 20 minutes

to read whichever book they want.

And the second he says go, these children rush the table.

When I went to school, we would jump around and scream

and run around in joy when class was cancelled.

Here, you have these kids, who are as happy as humanly possible

because they're going to have class.

IN SPANISH:

Pretty awesome.

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Farewell.