Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Hello and welcome to the new series of Good News.

So, what's been happening while we've been away?

Here's a tip - if you're doing an interview, watch what you lean on.

SHE SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

I tell you what, Susannah Reid's really changed

since she went to ITV.

This is you, as an all-American,

and a big opportunity for you in Hollywood,

you must have had to beat off a lot of American men to get this part.

HE GIGGLES

Why does that make you giggle?

Did you not have to beat them off?

Oh, my God. Did anyone else see the moment this guy got busted

enjoying some crap music?

SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

And finally. Is it me or is Diane Abbot really bad at hide and seek?

Diane Abbot, very talking to you. Thanks for joining us.

So, more reaction from Scotland coming up very shortly. Stay with us.

So, what's been going on?

Well, there's been one story dominating the news - Ebola.

Now, here is how it was covered in Britain...

-Ebola cases in West Africa approach 9,000.

-Hundreds of British troops

-are being sent to West Africa.

-A small number of cases

-will reach the UK.

-We can contain it.

-Britain is at the forefront

-of preventing the spread.

-A message for the public - don't worry.

Calm. Measured.

In America, not so much...

-Alert - the Ebola emergency here in America.

-The killer virus.

Spreading much faster than efforts to contain it.

-Spiralling out of control.

-Stop admitting West Africans

-into America right now.

-So many questions.

-Can they go to the movies?

-Hospitals aren't ready for Ebola.

-All hell is about to break loose!

Arghhhhh!!

The media have worked the American people into such a frenzy,

some of them have taken to the streets. I mean, look at this guy.

I love him, but I'm not sure he understands how Ebola spreads.

I can't go to nobody's house and have dinner at their house.

I don't know what the hell they was doing. They might scratch their ass.

Putting Ebola-assness into spaghetti.

They might put Ebola ass in the spaghetti!

And what if they rub their nuts on the garlic bread! What, then?!

He's amazing. I could watch him for hours.

Here he is describing the outbreak.

He says the person that has Ebola in Dallas came in contact with

80 people! 80 people! Do you know how much that is?

That's two 40s, you son of a bitch!

That is how you teach maths!

And just when you think he can't get any better, listen to what

he thinks is the biggest issue surrounding this terrible disease.

The first victim is a black man. That gives white bitches more excuses

not to have sex with black guys now.

That's right. We're all thinking it!

The main problem with Ebola - he's not going to get any action.

Damn, Ebola! I asked ten girls out last week. They all said no.

You know how much ten is? That's two fives, you son of a bitch!

So, how about Britain? How have we been dealing with the Ebola crisis?

Well, the response over here has been a little more...British.

I can't imagine there being an outbreak of Ebola

in the United Kingdom.

I mean, the virus would hate it here.

-POSH VOICE:

-Ebola would hate it here.

The weather's ghastly, traffic's a nightmare. No, no, no.

If I were Ebola, I'd go to Morocco.

He's a lunatic. Ebola's a virus.

It doesn't have emotions. What does he think?

-It's under the microscope like this?

-Do you want to go to Britain?

-No.

-I want to go to America.

-Why?

-Because I want to put my ass

in the spaghetti.

Pretty silly. Not that it was my favourite British response.

Did you see this?

And why did he have to do this? Because his name

is Dele Adebola!

Only in this country!

Hope he's OK. Cos I heard Dele add Ebola!

The other big news was this...

He has graced great sporting arenas, but tonight, Oscar Pistorius

is in a small cell in a south African jail.

He is begging a five-year sentence for kllling his girlfriend,

Reeva Steenkamp, with four gunshots.

Only five years?!

That's only two two and a halves, you son of a bitch!

It wasn't just the sentence that shocked me.

I find it incredible that he wasn't found guilty of murder.

Did you see the trial? His arguments were so flimsy.

He said, he thought a burglar was in his toilet

and that was why he shot them.

Who breaks into someone's house to take a shit?

And did you see his defence?

A mistake?!

A mistake is forgetting to put the bins out.

Anything that involves you shooting someone four times

should have a different word, like, I dunno, "murder".

He's such a hypocrite. All his career, he's been, like,

"Judge me as an athlete, not by my disability."

As soon as he's in court. "Poor me! I've got no leggy-wegs!"

Did you see what he said about going to prison?

I spoke to Oscar Pistorius in recent weeks. I saw him and he said

he wasn't scared of going to prison.

Jesus! If I were him, I would be!

He's a good-looking fella. He's in trouble.

Imagine him in the showers.

"Hey, Oscar. On your marks, get set, blow."

# And the girl is so fine Makes you want to sing Hallelujah. #

Have you seen the latest way the Irish government is trying

to crack down on speeding?

This shocking advert has been banned from appearing on television

until after the nine o'clock watershed.

# Now and then, when I see her face

# She takes me away to that special place

# And if I stare too long I'd probably break down and cry... #

Shocking ad? That doesn't look shocking!

Nothing shocks me. I've seen everything.

# Ooh, ooh-ooh Sweet child of mine... #

TYRES SCREECH

Arghhhhhhhhh!!

Arghhhhhhhhh!!

Arghhhhhhhhh!!

Arghhhhhhhhh!!

That is not how you reduce class sizes!

That was on telly!

It's terrifying! That is an actual advert.

Who made that and went, "Yeah, that's fine"?

That doesn't stop dangerous driving, it just freaks kids out

about field trips.

"Come on, let's collect some tadpoles."

No-o-o-oo-o!!

Cos if people see that, they'll never drive again.

They won't let their kids in cars and that is a mistake,

cos sometimes, wonderful things happen when you get kids in cars.

I mean, listen to what this kid says.

-What did you get, dude?

-I got a boner.

-Are you going to shoot it?

-Yeah.

Are you going to shoot it?

What did you get?

A boner.

Don't shoot it at your mom, OK? That's my job!

Not that it's all bad news from Ireland. Have a look at this.

A pub in rural Ireland has been rebuilt after a fire.

Some locals in a tiny village in Ireland have their pub back.

How great is that? I wonder what the locals thought of it?

Dan, what does the reopening of the pub mean to you?

THICK ACCENT: It means a pint

because I hadn't had a drink in the last two years!

LAUGHTER

No idea. Luckily, his mate was on hand to clear it up.

-What does the reopening of the pub mean to you?

-Well, we...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Exactly. You heard him.

-"What does the pub mean to you?"

-GARBLED SPEECH

It is incredible. And when you think it cannot get stranger,

look what one of them pulls out of a bag.

Elsewhere this week, congratulations to Malala.

The children's rights activist Malala Yousafzai

has been awarded this year's Nobel Prize for Peace.

One book and one pen can change the world.

It was fantastic that she won the Nobel Peace Prize

but what caught my eye was the tweet that Naomi Campbell sent Malala.

Wouldn't it be great if Malala sent one back, "Cheers, Naomi Come-balls.

Hashtag, you have just proved why women need education.

That is what I would do but that is one of the many reasons why

I have not been nominated for the peace prize.

Not that it's the worst spelling mistake I have seen this week.

That definitely came from my mum. I am not making this up.

This is a genuine text I got from my 58-year-old mother.

Don't you dare applaud that!

This next story about Red Bull sounds crazy

but I promise it is true.

That is right.

People sued Red Bull, and won,

because Red Bull did not actually give them wings.

Imagine those letters.

"Dear Red Bull, your drink does not give you rings. Wings!

"Doesn't give me rings, wings, or otherwise.

"Furthermore, meerkats know nothing about car insurance."

It makes you think though. If Red Bull are getting sued,

do you reckon all companies will have to start being more honest?

Imagine that. "Frosties! Theeeeeey're...OK."

"Fosters. Good call...if you have only just started drinking."

McDonald's.

# Duh-ruh-dah-dah. #

It's bearable."

If anyone should be getting sued it is tampon ads.

I have never once seen a woman rollerblading behind a Dalmatian.

Yay! I'm bleeding!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

What are their new adverts going to look like? This?

As it is your time of the month, I thought we could go rollerblading.

-Fuck off!

-OK.

Tell you what though, if companies have to start telling the truth,

I think we all know what the new Guinness advert

is going to look like.

Stop whatever you are doing, forget about Ebola,

forget about ISIS, I bring ground-breaking news.

Noooo! Britain has run out of men who go, "Haha!"

This is terrible.

They don't do that, do they?

That is... That is a very different thing!

Do you know there is now only 480 clowns left in the UK?

You know how many that is, that is two 240s, you son of a bitch!

Well, dry your tears. Because I have done something about this.

I, Russell Howard, out of my own pocket,

have set up a sanctuary for clowns.

They can frolic, breed, and relax.

And I am told we can actually go live to the clown sanctuary now.

CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

Shit!

Now it is time for my special guest.

Every week I will interview someone who has been in the news

who I find fascinating. Here he is.

We were actually heading back into camp when we struck an IED,

a roadside bomb.

The vehicle rolled over, I ended up being crushed,

trapped under the vehicle for three and a half hours.

The damage in my lower left leg was pretty extensive.

To the outside view it is, "Oh, my God, he has lost a leg,

"his life must be hell."

If someone tells me I can't do something,

I am more determined, more motivated to do it.

I will try to find out how somebody else has done it,

or using the assistance and help that I have gained over the years,

find another way to do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, thank you for coming on the show, my friend.

Tonight's guest, Mike Goody, who won four gold medals

and one silver medal at the recent Invictus Games.

-That is worth a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-My pleasure.

It must feel so amazing, that moment when you win.

Yes, I mean, just that whole atmosphere of the whole games,

the support from the general public, was just immense.

What was the highlight of the Invictus Games?

For me, just being selected for the team, given the captaincy

for the swimming team, I think that, for me, was just everything.

We have actually got a photo here

of you collecting one of your four medals.

There you are. Prince Harry.

And you have met other members of the Royal family.

I've heard a story about you,

that when you were recovering in hospital after your injury

-you met Prince Charles.

-Yes.

-Did you meet Prince Charles whilst you were on drugs?

-Yes, I did.

Of all the people to meet!

"Oh, my God, it is Dobby from Harry Potter!"

There are lots of people you don't want to run into on drugs.

But he must have just been, "Hello, you all right?"

-I've no knowledge...

-Can you not remember it?

-Not all of it, no.

Because you are ex-RAF.

I have to say that. Not Army, if I get that wrong you will go mad.

And I had a brilliant, brilliant... Yeah, yeah.

What were you going to do then?

Were you going to take your leg off and hit me with it?

Have you ever done that? Oh, my God, you thought about it! Wow!

That was an amazing moment, because you had to think about it,

that implies you had!

Friends only.

As we are getting on, and because you are ex-services,

and I know quite a few people who are ex-military,

I'm going to risk this question.

-Have you ever drunk from your leg?

-Yes.

-I knew it, you have!

-Many a time.

-Many a time?

-Yes.

Do you fancy having a drink from your leg,

-we will have a drink from your leg now?

-Let's do it.

-Do you?

Oh, amazing. Luckily, I have got some premium pale ale.

-I have not got an opener.

-Hang on. Who has got a lighter?

Nice, Cheers, dude. That was amazing. How lovely are you?

You are like an alcoholic version of the Microsoft paperclip.

"I see you are trying to get pissed!"

Right, this feels pretty strange, but do you want to do the honours,

it feels a bit wrong if I pour it.

Cheers mate, thanks very much.

-Lovely.

-It holds just under three pints.

-Haha! Right, wow!

-This feels amazing.

-I would go from the front, if I were you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You want some?

Oh, nice! You went to pour it over your head!

Doesn't that just say something

about the wonder of the British public?

You got four gold medals at the Invictus Games

and you just got a bigger round of applause

for drinking alcohol from your prosthetic leg.

"He is a hero!"

You've done so many amazing things for charity.

One of the most interesting things about... You swam the Channel.

-Yes. A team of six of us.

-There were six of you.

Yes, it wasn't long after I'd been injured myself.

-I was in some dark days with alcohol and...

-What is that?

What is that moment like when you lose your leg?

I still had my leg at the point when I did the English Channel.

I actually kept my leg for two and a half years.

It was chronic pain, I couldn't walk without mind-boggling

painkillers or just do anything really. And it was so debilitating.

And just wanted to do more but with the frame of mind,

because that's the physical injury you can see,

but the psychological injuries behind it were just tremendous. I just didn't want to be around at all.

How did you manage to go from that understandable state of woe

-to where you are now. You seem so bright and sparky.

-It took a while.

I'm not going to lie. I've still got some things going on as we all do.

But Help For Heroes have got something called

the Battle Back Programme and said, "We have the Channel coming up,

"but you can't be a clinical alcoholic. You've got to

"train for it, you've got to do this."

So I threw myself into training, rather than into the bar, and a

team of six of us completed the Channel about six months later.

Incredible. That's worth a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-I heard as well, t hat you've got a tattoo.

-Yes.

I figured that if people are going to look and stare, because it's one of those things

that people are like, "A bit different,". It makes people stare,

I figured if they're going to stare, they might as well have a laugh.

This is a wonderful tattoo. Would you like to have a look?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Show everyone what you've got. It's absolutely brilliant.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you don't mind me asking, I have quite a personal question,

and forgive me for asking this, but because of all the amazing

-things you've done do you ever regret losing your leg?

-Not really.

In the early days I hated the fact I was injured

and you go through some awkward times, but the two charities that have helped me

out more than anything is Help For Heroes and the RAF Benevolent Fund.

They have helped me throughout and got me to where I am now -

this bright, bubbly, slightly mischievous, sort of, individual.

So, I just want to do anything I can and feed back into them

what they've done for me.

Just because, unfortunately there are a lot of injured guys

-and girls out there.

-What would you have...?

What kind of advice would you have for anyone that's suffered

similar injuries to yourself?

I'd say if people are telling you you can't do something I'd say

you've got to challenge why they're saying you can't do something.

You're only as limited as your mind allows you almost.

I'd say challenge everything and be who you want to be.

-Congratulations. Pleasure to meet you.

-Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful Mr Mike Goody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In political news, you can't move without hearing about this lot.

UKIP makes history by winning its first seat at Westminster.

'Douglas Carswell who defected from the Conservatives retained

'his Clacton seat with a resounding victory, delighting his new leader.'

I would urge people come and join the People's Army.

Let's topple the establishment who've led us to this mess.

UKIP have got their first-ever elected MP.

Some people are huge fans of Nigel Farage - others not so keen.

We're fighting a national election campaign

-here on the issue...

-AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

To be honest, I'm with him. I'm baffled that UKIP are doing so well - they don't have any policies.

What do UKIP stand for other than writing the words "piss off"

on the white cliffs of Dover?

Well, I did a bit of research here are some of the things

their members have championed in the past.

"Hand guns should be legalised."

"All disabled babies should be aborted."

"Schools should bring back the cane."

And, "The NHS should spend money

"on helping homosexuals become straight."

"The People's Army." What are they saying?

The NHS should cure homosexuality?! Being gay isn't a disease.

What? Hold a pair of tits in front of them,

like the opticians?

"Are you horny now?

"And now?

"What about now?"

I guess the reason nobody knows what UKIP stand for is cos all you

see Nigel Farage doing is this.

Nigel Farage might have allowed himself a celebratory pint.

He's a guy who likes to go to the pub...

The bloke in the saloon bar. The cheeky chap in the pub.

The guy they'd like to have a drink with.

'Drinking beer, smoking.'

It's no great secret that I quite like a drink.

Why would you want him in power?

I don't want a man down the pub running the country.

I want a man who says,

"I'm sorry, I can't come down the pub - I'm running the fucking country."

I mean do you really want a bloke down the pub in charge?

ALL: Down it, down it, down it.

Wahey!

ALL CHEER

Right, whatever number I hit, that's how many hospitals we're going to build.

Aargh! Aargh! Aargh!

It's not just UKIP - it's across the board.

I mean, take the recent Scottish Referendum.

Did you see how Zoo magazine asked their readers which way

they might vote?

LAUGHTER

Is that the only way Zoo readers can understand politics?

Do you want to vote yes or no?

Is Scotland better together or apart?

Some of you are undecided, aren't you?

Christ, how are Zoo going to cover the general election?

LAUGHTER

So to finish the show, here's something incredible.

These are some truly inspiring people

who have devoted their lives to helping kids who can't see.

'Anita and Sonia come from a very poor family.

'If they are not operated they will remain blind for life.

'And what happens in most of the cases,

'they are used by the family as beggars.

SHE SINGS IN DIALECT:

IN DIALECT:

SHE SOBS

IN DIALECT:

Pretty incredible.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE