Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

My award for least dignified exit of week goes to this guy.

HE SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE

The BBC interviewed the most easily pleased man in the world.

And I thought, well, if you can buy a Kit Kat in Swanage then the sky's the limit.

I tell you what. I've seen a lot of news but this is definitely the most awkward

ending to a report I've ever seen.

We are very clear that everybody needs the NHS.

-Unless you're super, super rich...

-Thank you, thank you.

We'll bring you the...events that happen here later on this af... evening, at the 10:15 news.

The poor bloke got a lot of stick online.

Luckily for him I've found the greatest way to deal with abuse ever.

Hi, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there.

I was too busy, mmmm, blockin' out the haters!

If people are giving you shit,

all you need is a couple of plastic spoons.

And finally, here's a tip - if you're gonna interview

a one-legged man, don't sit like this.

The two charities that have helped me out more than anything are Help For Heroes and...

LAUGHTER

Who is that dick?

So what's been going on? Well, the big royal news was this.

Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Rihanna, they are all queens of Twitter

with more than 138 million followers between them.

Well, now, there's a new queen on the block - Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, has sent her first tweet.

The Queen's on Twitter! How great is that?

CHEERING

"@Charles I'm thinking of abdicating the throne -

"Hashtag - Only joking, jug ears!"

"Dear followers,

"when I can't be bothered to do my hair in the morning I just do this."

"Greetings, Commonwealth. You're all common

"and I've got the wealth!"

I think it's amazing news that the Queen's on Twitter.

Cos you know what she's gonna do, she's gonna end up doing what everyone does.

Getting drunk and tweeting pictures of her pets.

"Bread plus corgi = mega rofls."

Not that everyone was as pleased as me that the Queen was on Twitter.

Yeah! Poor Liz. Still I think we all know how she should deal with this.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there. I was too busy,

mmmmm, blocking out the haters.

CHEERING

It wasn't just the Queen getting abuse on Twitter. The hashtag AskNigelFarage was set up this week,

where people could ask the leader of UKIP questions.

Did the British public take this seriously? Not really.

And my personal favourite...

Brilliant

Now, staying in politics, did you hear about this?

The United Kingdom has been ordered to pay an extra £1.7 billion

towards the European Union's budget

because of the success of Britain's economy in recent years.

We have to pay 1.7 billion? That's two 850 millions, you son of a bitch!

Cameron doesn't know how we're gonna get the money together.

I've got a crazy idea, how about we get Starbucks, Amazon

and Google to pay their fucking taxes?

Exactly!

Did you see Cameron try and stand up at the European Union?

He tried his best to look strong and powerful

and say "I will not pay this bill!"

But instead, it came out like this.

I'm not paying that bill on the 1st of December,

if people think I are, they got another, another thing coming.

Who wrote his speech? Yoda? "Guess again if bill you think pay I will."

Then he just started talking about board games!

You don't need to have a Cluedo set to know that someone's been clubbed with the lead piping in the library.

"And if you think Professor Plum wasn't in the drawing room

"with the bloody hungry hippos you can..."

Poor old Dave, he's had an awful week, did you see what happened to him in Leeds?

The Prime Minister was rushed into his official car by his bodyguards

today after a man appeared to collide with him on a street in Leeds.

The 28-year-old man, who said he was just running,

was arrested by later released.

Aghhhh! He got jogged into!

Don't laugh.

Dave was the victim of a drive-by trotting!

He just ran at him. It's ridiculous,

look why Cameron's security thought the jogger was a danger.

I've got a towel wrapped around my hand, which, to them, was a weapon.

What did they think he was gonna do? Dry him to death?

Cameron's had a tough week, especially compared to Barack Obama.

Look at the smooth way he dealt with a heckler

while he was voting this week.

As leader of the free world,

President Obama is used to getting a bit of stick,

but when he went to cast his ballot in the mid-term elections in Chicago

he probably wasn't expecting to be warned to stay away

from the lady in the booth next door by her boyfriend.

Can you imagine if that was Cameron? "Fancy a kiss?"

"Piss off, Sausage Face."

Obama is just so much cooler than Cameron.

I mean, when Obama's around, people don't even notice Dave.

They don't even want to shake his hand.

'The most important in its history.

'David Cameron takes personal charge of efforts

'to free the British hostage held by Islamic State militants.'

It's amazing. It's even better in slow motion.

# All by myself

# Don't wanna be

# All by myself... #

"Please love me!

"Please!

"Somebody ran into me in Leeds!"

Next up, did you hear

about the crazy way a lady in Australia saved her dog?

A woman whose dog was being mauled by another dog at a Bayside beach

has used an unorthodox method to save her Jack Russell.

After trying in vain to break up the savage attack,

she had success with just one finger.

That's right.

-GROANING

-That's right, that's right.

she saved her dog by putting her finger up another dog's arse!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Not only that, she did an interview about it!

I lifted its tail

and luckily I hadn't filed my nails

and I put it up its anal passage.

And it went "A-oooooooo!"

A-oooooooo!

How mental must that have been to witness?

"Oh, God, mate. Look! There's two dogs fighting.

"Oh, it's OK. There's a woman who's gonna break it u...

"Jesus, mate. It looks like she's wearing a novelty glove."

Do you know what I find fascinating about this story?

I was talking to a friend and apparently she did the right thing.

Apparently the only way to stop a vicious dog attacking someone -

put your finger up its bum.

Who found that out?!

That is just a pervert who got unbelievably lucky.

I'll say this now,

if I'm in a field and there's a kid getting attacked by a pit bull,

he ain't making it.

LAUGHTER

And what if you got it wrong?

"Oh, my God, that kid's getting attacked by a dog.

"Quick, put your finger up its arse!

"No, you idiot! The dog, the dog!"

"THE DOG!"

HE SCREAMS

Not that it was my favourite animal story in the news.

This is absolutely wonderful.

Did you hear what happened to some sheep on a farm in Surrey?

It's just wonderful.

A drug dealer left a load of marijuana in a field

and they scoffed it all.

That would be an amazing episode of Life on Earth.

"Here we see the mighty sheep

"baked off their tits and nibbling hob nobs."

How shocked must the farmer have been.

He rocks up and the sheep all look like this.

I would love to see a stoned sheep.

Wouldn't that be great?

Stoned sheep just giggling in a field.

Just like that, "Hey!

"Look at me, I'm a cloud!"

Just another one like that,

"I'm so tired, I'm going to count me!"

One thing we can all agree on,

this is definitely going to change nursery rhymes.

THE LAMB SCREAMS

I can smell mint sauce, bitch. I can smell mint sauce!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I like that.

So you're probably thinking, "Sheep on pot -

"there's no way there can be

"a madder drug story than that in the news."

Oh, there can. Check out this headline.

Well, that is a man who refuses to come quietly!

He beat off 15 cops...

and then himself.

And they say that men can't multitask.

Did you see... It's unbelievable.

Did you see how the police tried to bring him down?

Even electricity couldn't stop him!

If anything, it made him harder.

"More volts, more volts!"

Don't taser him.

If you want to stop a bloke having a tug,

you need to think outside the box.

"OK, we need backup.

"We need a picture of his mum,

"repeat, we need a picture of his mum."

And if that doesn't work, just get this lady.

A-oooooo!

Bizarrely, one of the biggest global stories of the week was this.

The actress Renee Zellweger has denied claims

she's had plastic surgery.

The world stopped.

Regardez Renee Zellweger.

-Renee Zellweger.

-L'actrice Renee Zellweger...

Renee Zellweger...

I think it's clear that she's had work.

She looked physically different.

There's no way that's Renee.

Who cares?

Who cares what she looks like?

We all change as we age, don't we?

I mean, I look very different to my 15-year-old self.

LAUGHTER

I ran a mean kingdom!

It's so unfair, isn't it?

It's always women in the media that get attacked for their looks.

It's never men.

No-one ever has a pop at Simon Cowell or Noel Edmonds or...

or Richard Branson. I mean, have you seen him recently?

Here's Richard five years ago.

And here's what he looks like now.

LAUGHTER

"Oh, Renee's got a different look!"

He's turned into a dog!

Still, I had a word with Renee

and we've figured out a way to deal with her critics.

From an Oscar winning actress

to one of the strangest musical collaborations ever.

Children's TV presenters the Chuckle Brothers

and award-winning rapper Tinchy Stryder.

-# Oh, dear

-# Oh, dear, oh, dear

# Here's the ladder, who's taking it?

-# To me

-# To you

-# To me

-# To you, then

-# To me

-# To you

-# To me

-# To you, then? #

What is it?

How insane is that?

The Chuckles have done a duet with Tinchy Stryder?

What next, Jay Z and Harry Potter?!

# If you're having quidditch problems I feel bad for you, son

# I got 99 problems

# But the snitch ain't one Hit me! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Malfoy in the corner?

# Every day I'm Slytherin... #

All right one more, one more...

Snoop Dogg outside the Weasley's...

# Rolling down the street smokin' Indo sippin' on Ginny's juice. #

LAUGHTER

I'll stop, I'll stop.

People have been saying, why haven't you done something like this?

I would do a song with people that were on telly when I was a kid...

but they're all in jail.

It's true, man.

Next up, if you think you've got a strange hobby,

check out what this bloke did for Halloween.

18-year-old film-maker Nick Santonastasso

was born with one arm and no legs

and now he is turning what some call a disability into an art form.

He is producing and starring in short horror movies watched by millions.

You are probably thinking they are gentle little horror films, oh, no.

They're insane.

He goes to a late-night car park

and pranks unsuspecting people like this...

Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.

LAUGHTER

Holy shit!

What an amazing thing to do with your disability?

Shall I sit around feeling sorry for myself?

No! I'm going to scare the crap out of people!

Are you watching, Oscar Pistorius?

THAT is how you scare a burglar!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Some ridiculous health stories in the news.

First up, have you seen how they're trying to stop smoking

outside a hospital in the West Country?

Messages recorded by local schoolchildren encouraging

people not to smoke are now being played out through

a loudspeaker at Taunton's Musgrove Park hospital.

It's nuts. Have you seen how it works?

Every time the receptionist sees a smoker outside she pushes the button.

Do you know how much your smoking harms me?

AUDIENCE GASP

"Do you know how much you're hurting me?"

How manipulative is that?!

Why not get a kid to just come out..."how could you?"

"I'm dying."

It could have been worse, they could have got this fella to do the voice.

MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, if you think using kids voices to stop smoking is crazy,

have a look what a Tory MP wants to use in the NHS...

"A conservative MP has spoken of his belief in astrology

"and his desire to incorporate it into medicine."

A Tory MP wants us to use astrology in hospitals!

How's that going to work? "What star sign are you?" "I'm a Cancer."

Oh...

what a coincidence!

You've got crabs...

..and cancer. You've got cancer too.

It's ridiculous.

The last thing you need when you're in hospital is astrology.

Oh, doctor, how did the operation go?

Well, it says here, you're going to meet a tall dark stranger.

Ooh, lovely.

DEAD TONE ON MONITOR

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome my guest, Steve Peters,

a psychiatrist who has worked with some of Britain's best sportsmen

and women, including the British Olympic Team, Ronnie O'Sullivan

and Liverpool Football Club.

What he can do is, he can help you to learn what goes on inside your head.

He can help you with your preparation.

I owe everything to Steve, I wasn't going to continue playing.

The work that I've done with Steve has kind of made me

into much more of a winner, if you like.

He helped me back in the day to really kind of change

my perspective on myself and myself in sport and my sport.

Steve is like the kind of voice of reason within a team.

He's the man you got to speak to, he's almost like a sounding board.

APPLAUSE

Steve, thank you so much for coming on, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I think what you do is very important

because I think in sport it's vital that the mind is focused

because if it isn't, things like this can happen.

I mean, he's beyond help at that point, isn't he?

-He'll be mentally scarred.

-But what I love about it is the fact that it's been filmed

and then someone's put it on the internet.

Rather than go, oh, help him, they've gone,

right, straight on YouTube.

I read your book and it's specifically about the...

if you can explain to everybody about the chimp, the chimp paradox.

What I try to do, I teach at medical school for doctors

and you try and make the newer science simple

and they found it quite complex and they were saying there's

-an easy way of getting this and I thought, I'll introduce a model. About 15 years ago now.

-Yeah.

And if you look at the brain,

basically there are three systems running.

One of them is you, so that's...

you're the person that says I'm going to be healthy, I'm going to eat

really well, I'm going to be slim, I'm going to be fit.

Then the second bit says,

I'm not having anything like that I'm eating what I want,

I'm going to stay in bed, I'm not going to train.

And that's the chimp within.

So, it's another thinking brain which is nothing to do with us.

We are born with it and it thinks for us.

-So, we all have a monkey inside our brain?

-Yeah.

And we have to control that monkey otherwise that monkey will do

bad things? It's like planet of the apes, isn't it?

It is really, yeah, yeah.

The way you describe the chimp,

that's pretty much exactly my brother.

Lies in bed, got a red arse, scratches himself a lot.

Swings on tyres, masturbates. That's my brother.

I think what you've got to look at,

you've got to say all people are different

so these chimpanzees as I would call them are unique within that person.

Some people have laid back chimpanzees.

-So, you talk about someone like Chris Hoy.

-Yeah.

Chris Hoy was fantastic to work with,

he's a true gentleman and his chimp's a gentleman.

-So it was easy to work with.

-What?

Absolutely lovely image of Chris Hoy having a gentleman

chimp in his brain.

Well he agreed with what Chris was doing so it wasn't too hard.

Ronnie O'Sullivan, you've got this really, really genuine guy,

but the chimp's a nightmare.

Ronnie knows it, I know it,

you've got lots of footage where it attacks and it does crazy things.

And Ronnie says to me, this is not how I want to be

and I'm saying well actually, it's not you, you're being hijacked.

So you've got to get some insight.

Say, this is not me, distinguish yourself from the machine.

So when you say things like I want to eat one piece of chocolate.

-You really mean that.

-Yes.

And then this chimp which is stronger than you just goes I think we'll eat the bar.

And then you eat the bar and then the chimp finishes

and you sit there and think, I can't believe this. He's done it again.

Have people, do you think people have ever used

the chimp even though they've known what they were doing.

So, it's a bloody good excuse, isn't it?

If someone comes home and you've eaten all the chocolate

and you've gone, "bloody chimp."

-"Why haven't you put the bins out?" "He's too powerful."

-Yeah, yeah.

I think... I'll make this really clear. You can't use an excuse.

It's like having a dog. It's like dogs. I love dogs I breed dogs.

And you can't have a dog that suddenly bites you,

and I say, "Well, for me, it's a dog."

You know, I'm responsible, 100%,

but I'm not responsible for the nature of the dog.

Dogs will be aggressively if you don't train them,

or they'll be loving if you do. And it's the same with our chimps.

They can be unruly and run our lives if we don't train them.

If you train them, then they'll start behaving

and actually become our best friend.

Have you picked up on the kind of chimp I have?

I think the key is this -

you've probably got quite a bit of harmony with the chimp

which means it's not bad, it's not good, it's a chimp.

And you're saying, "I'm going to use my chimp to my advantage."

And people like it cos they say,

"Yeah, it's quite good fun." And it makes people laugh.

So there's a good example of someone who's got into harmony with

the chimp but I can guarantee behind locked doors

-and away from this, it's not always like that.

-No.

You've turned your chimp around and made it into fun.

And on the comedian side, that can have penalties.

Because a lot of comedians suffer with depressive illness.

We know there are suicides in comedians,

so there's a serious side...

LAUGHTER

This was going so well.

Yeah, what can I do to stop...

stop my chimp from killing me?

LAUGHTER

I read that you were supposed to name your chimp. Is that right?

-That's right.

-What's your chimp called?

It's unruly, it's rude, it's not good at communicating.

That's the other side of my chimp.

-What's his name?

-Russell.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I read a fascinating thing about you.

That you'll sometimes, because you work with all kinds of people,

all across the world, that you sometimes get phone calls

-at three in the morning. And you take those calls.

-Yeah.

-I take those calls.

-What a human being you are.

You're like the perfect mate.

There was a moment where Ronnie O'Sullivan had come to stay cos

Ronnie just turns up at the house. And he just says, "I'm staying."

So he comes and stays, and he grabs me for a few days,

and then he disappears. And that's the way we work.

And I rang Vicky Pendleton up, and I said,

"I want you to invite us over."

She said, "I'll make you a meal." It's true, this.

-So we went to Vicky's house.

-You and Ronnie?

-Yeah, I did it deliberately.

-OK.

-Cos I'd got to the point, I was thinking, they just can't stop.

They're just chimps. So I sat them opposite each other,

and I said to Ronnie, "Tell her what your chimp's like."

And he went on, and she just couldn't believe this. She said,

"I can't believe what you're saying. That's rubbish."

I said, "You start." And Vicky did the same.

And Ronnie said, "I can't believe this woman. She's mad!"

A week later, they both rang and said, "Can we just apologise,

"you must get fed up of listening to us moaning."

And it was very therapeutic

cos at that point they did for each other what I couldn't do.

I would listen and listen, but, actually, there's a point

you've got to hold the mirror up.

And, presumably, you're on double pay, as well.

LAUGHTER

And you've got a meal out of it. That's a good day.

Right, now, you spend a lot of time working on other people's chimps,

but I want to know about yours

because you seem such a selfless, calm person.

I've come up with a few scenarios.

And I want to know whether your chimp would be in control,

or out of control. And here they are, right? You're with a mate.

He says he's not hungry, and then as soon as the food arrives,

he eats from your plate.

Can you feel that? Can you feel people going?

IMITATES CHIMP

LAUGHTER

You could do two things.

You could be nice and just say, "Obviously, you're hungry."

Or you could act like I've seen people do

and you just spit on the food and say, "You're welcome."

LAUGHTER

Good answer. You're in the quiet carriage, someone's on their phone,

and you hear someone on the other end laughing

on the phone, and it's your wife.

I would be stunned

-cos I'm not married.

-OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're born and raised in West Philadelphia.

You spend most of your days on the playground.

Suddenly, trouble goes down,

and you have to live with your uncle in Bel-Air.

LAUGHTER

Is that not you?

-Surely...

-IMITATES CHIMP

I think I do reasonable rates,

and I'll put you in straightaway.

LAUGHTER

Steve, thank you so much for coming along.

Pleasure to meet you, my friend.

APPLAUSE

Did you hear about Word Of The Year?

Now, the Word Of The Year has been announced. It's 'photobomb.'

It's defined as intruding into the background of a photograph

without a subject's knowledge.

'Photobomb' is the Word Of The Year. So, in honour of that,

here are my all time favourites. At number three, this squirrel.

Number two, this camel.

But my all-time favourite is this little girl's arm.

Finally tonight, here's a story about an organisation who

found a great way of getting fit whilst doing good deeds.

It's wonderful. Look at this.

'Every Saturday morning for the last 18 months,

'I've run to go and see Vera, so she's my running coach, in a sense.

'The reason I get out of bed on most Saturday mornings is

'because I know Vera's there,

'and it's actually quite a refreshing way to start your weekend.

'Running clears your mind but I can promise you

'so does sitting having a half an hour chat with a 90-year-old woman

'who is going to show you photos of things that she was doing 50,

'60, 70 years ago that just completely change your perspective.'

Cool dress.

Very colourful.

'I guess I always forget that there's a health benefit to me

'because I always think of it's just me going to visit to Vera,

'which has just become normal.'

Next Sunday's the first Sunday of the month.

No, I think it's the week after. Tuesday or something.

Every day seems like a Sunday!

'About a year into running to Vera,

'she had to fill out this little evaluation form.

'And she just wrote this really lovely note about how

'she had said yes to this scheme because she wanted company.

'But she was really happy because she'd found a friend.

'You know, when you get to the end of the week,

'do you feel like you have...

'in any way contributed to the society you live in?

'We all have time.

'You know, you could be a billionaire, or claiming benefits.

'But you'd both have the same impact on someone's life

'if you took the time out of your day to give them the company they need.'

See, David Cameron? Not all joggers are bad.

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Good night!