Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, thank you very much.

Hello and welcome to Good News.

So what's been happening? Here's a tip -

if you're going for a bike ride, watch where you're going.

SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Christ, have you seen what Sally from South Today

wants for her birthday?

Naked butlers and prostitutes.

Jesus! Mind you, at least she knows how to work a cup.

You know, on the lighter side, Dave, I really...

Dave gave me a mug...

SHE GASPS

DAVE LAUGHS

Is it me or is this guy on the left

the happiest man in the world?

SHE RAPS

And finally, this has to be THE worst start to a race ever.

So, get ready. On your marks, get set, John.

On your marks...

Go.

STARTING PISTOL FIRES

In political news. It's been a bad week for Ed Miliband.

Ed Miliband's approval rating has hit an all-time low

with a poll suggesting the Labour leader

is now less popular than Nick Clegg.

He's less popular than Nick Clegg.

Do you know what this means?

There's only three things more unpopular than Ed Miliband -

famine, genocide and this lady.

LAUGHTER

So why don't people like him?

He's a bit bland.

Meh.

I prefer his brother, really.

Meh.

He just doesn't go down right, somehow.

LAUGHTER

What the hell's he been up to?

This lady's not keen on him either.

I don't like what he did to his brother.

You don't like what he did to his brother?

Has that put you off? That was four years ago.

I don't care how long ago it was. Your brother is your brother...

for ever.

Did you like his brother?

Not really.

"I hate them both! Couple of absolute bell-ends."

Poor Ed Miliband.

Even members of his own party had a pop.

Ed Miliband is not George Clooney.

He's not going to bring us millions of voters.

You're telling me he's not George Clooney.

Every photo he looks like he's sneezing and coming

at the same time.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's just so awkward compared to other leaders.

I mean, Barack Obama. Barack Obama can go for a jog

and he still radiates power.

Look at that.

When Miliband does it he looks like a beige zombie.

The main reason he won't get into power is cos he can't connect

with the man in the street.

People love Nigel Farage cos he's always having a drink.

Poor Ed struggles with a cup of tea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Away from politics.

Over in America did you see what a nurse suspected of having Ebola did?

An American nurse who is being monitored for signs of Ebola

has defied authorities who placed her under quarantine

and left her home to go on a bike ride.

She went for a bike ride.

How tense must that have been?!

"Hi, guys."

HE SCREAMS

-SHOUTING:

-"It's that bitch with Ebola!"

"Morning."

-SHOUTING:

-"Fuck you!"

We've actually got footage of her cycling into town.

It wasn't just a nurse's bike rides that made the news.

These parents win my award for Cruellest Prank of the Year.

CHILD WAILS

That's right. That's right.

For a great, big, jolly laugh,

they told their son he had Ebola.

Poor little sod. "Hey, baby, you've got Ebola.

"Not only that, you're adopted."

Still, it's hardly any wonder he's so terrified

given the kind of advice Americans are getting on the news.

If you came across some strange mucus or faeces or something

out there on the subway, the street or anywhere else,

don't eat it.

That's right, America.

Don't eat stranger's poo.

Eat your own, by all means, but not a stranger's.

Do people really need to be told not to munch on shit?

No-one has ever looked at a bit of poo and gone,

"Oh, it's lovely, that.

"Oh, that's bad poo, that's bad poo."

As ever, we're been pretty relaxed about it over here.

In the UK, you are apparently more likely to die from choking on food,

slipping on ice,

or falling out of bed.

Exactly! They reckon at most they'll be a couple of cases.

I mean, Ebola is definitely not going to arrive here at the BBC.

It is the first time in the DEC's 50-year history that it's...

-VOICE BREAKS:

-..looked for money.

-I'm so sorry...

-SHE COUGHS

Let's get more from Mike Wooldridge.

HE SCREAMS

Leg it!

Save yourselves!

HE SCREAMS

Now I love this country of ours sometimes.

America has been dealing with Ebola,

what's been the biggest health story over here?

The world's first national sperm bank opens today in Birmingham.

Forget Ebola. We've built a wank bank.

We have a national sperm bank.

I cannot wait to see their adverts.

The Grabby National.

The bank that likes to say YES!

Imagine that a cartoon man in the background...

Sorry.

I've ruined that advert for you now.

Did you see...?

That is the silliest joke I've ever told.

Did you see why the sperm bank's been set up?

There's a national donor shortage.

Last year, 586 men registered to donate,

down on the 631 in 2012.

We've got no donors left.

Apparently, we're running out of British sperm.

How?

My brother is chucking the stuff away.

Honestly, he's getting rid of it hand over fist.

What I want to know - how can you tell if sperm is British?

Do you know what I mean? What does it look like? This?

-After you.

-No, after you.

-No, no, I insist.

-No, I insist, dear chap.

Seriously, I must refuse...

Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!

Oh, bollocks!

From British sperm to a ridiculous attempt to deal with mental illness.

GPs in England are to be paid £55 every time they diagnose

a case of dementia. The payments are intended to increase

the number of people receiving treatment.

They're going to give doctors 55 quid for spotting dementia.

Do you know how much that is?

That's two 27.50s, you son of a bitch.

It's madness.

Doctors are going to be taking the piss.

He can't speak, he's drooling everywhere,

no bowel control whatsoever...

it's definitely dementia.

LAUGHTER

That isn't the only shocking health story in the news.

Did you read about this?

Every single day, four ambulance workers across London get beaten up.

What kind of a moron attacks an ambulance driver?

"Stop...helping...me!"

When did they become the scourge of society?

Are there blokes in pubs...

"Bloody paramedics, turning up at accidents, saving lives.

"They make me sick.

"And then they make me better.

"I tell you who else pisses me off - firemen.

"If they slide down a pole, they're heroes.

"If I watch a woman do that, I'm a pervert."

It's horrific. Look what some of them have to put up with.

Who were they rescuing, this guy?

They're on about giving them cameras

so they can catch the people that do it.

Sod that! Give them tranquilisers and a pineapple.

Knock them out, ram the pineapple up their arse,

drop them off at the X-ray department

and let them explain their way out of that.

"It's one of my five a day!

"Get in there."

Over in America, did you see this guy?

A tightrope walker Nik Wallenda has broken two world records overnight

with two death-defying high wire walks

between Chicago skyscrapers without a safety net or a harness.

If that was me, I would be actually shitting myself.

Actually shitting myself.

And cos they're American, the crowd would start eating it,

it would be an Ebola nightmare.

"No!

"You're going to die."

So you're probably thinking he left it at that.

Oh, no, look what he did next.

He took two walks. The first saw him walking

at a 19-degree incline.

For the second, he was blindfolded.

"Hey, fellas, this shit's too easy. Fetch my blindfold.

"And when you're down there, get me a wheelbarrow.

"Why? For my massive balls, is for why!"

"I'm going to walk these massive spuds of mine across.

"My balls is so big and they've got so much balance."

It's an incredible achievement, cos keeping your balance

isn't always easy.

It's a natural thing, of course. I could work out all day.

Obviously I'm a...

an ex-athlete myself.

Now, from an incredible stunt to a stupid runt.

Did you see what this bloke did for a laugh?

An Australian man has risked his life to surf a dead whale.

The man, known only as Harrison, dived from a boat

and climbed on to the whale carcass

while sharks were circling.

They're calling him the Whale Surfer.

Surely they should call him Moby Dickhead.

Damn right.

Imagine David Attenborough covering that.

"Here we see the mighty whale, ridden by an absolute tosser."

Mind you, riding a whale is nothing. Have a look at the costume

an Aussie Rules player wore to a charity ball.

You're not going to believe this.

Have a look at what he wore.

The Melbourne Football Club says it will punish two of its players

who dressed up as Rolf Harris and a little girl

at Mad Monday celebrations.

What?

What was he thinking?

He went to a charity party dressed as a convicted paedophile.

I bet the locals were outraged.

What a joker!

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO

How did this happen?

Do you reckon he got stitched up by his mates?

"'Yeah, mate. No, yeah...' Shut up, he's on the phone.

"'No, dress as Rolf Harris, mate.

"'Yeah, no, I'm going as Jimmy Savile.'

"Shut up, shut up.

"'No, no, don't take a taxi, walk through town, yeah.

"'Yeah, mate, we'll meet you outside the school. Yeah.'

"He's doing it!"

Check out this guy's weird hobby.

My name's Peter Fletcher, and I've been keeping a record

of all of my sneezes

for over seven years.

In that time, I've sneezed a little over 4,000 times.

That's right. He keeps a diary recording every sneeze he does.

I guarantee his nose is the only thing getting blown in his life.

Imagine his wife's diary.

"March 5th, bless you. March 6th, bless you.

"March 7th, I'm leaving."

Recording your sneezes. Does it get duller than that?

He's even got a favourite.

I've got a few favourite sneezes.

I think the first one that comes to mind is sneeze number 42.

Marquee, Norfolk.

Strong.

Looking at quiche.

How can that be your favourite sneeze?

My favourite sneeze is definitely this.

Give me a kiss.

BABY SNEEZES

Right in the kisser.

Now, this is where I get the chance to interview

someone from the news that I find fascinating.

Tonight's special guest is one of Britain's greatest living reporters.

For over 40 years, John Simpson has risked his life

to cover some of the world's most violent and tumultuous events.

'I don't go to Iraq or to Afghanistan or to Zimbabwe

'because it's risky. I go there because the risk

'makes it difficult to report on.'

This is just a scene from hell here. There's bodies lying around,

there's bits of bodies on the ground.

But there's got to be a purpose. The purpose is not just to,

kind of...

stick my head above the parapet

so lots of idiots will shoot it,

because I don't want to end up with a bullet through the head.

I've just been speaking to the American Special Forces...

John Simpson has been very nearly killed at least once

in a foreign war.

He consistently goes back into very dangerous situations,

whether it's Zimbabwe or Afghanistan.

It's amazing the company you keep on trips like this, you know?

And I respect him hugely for that.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only John Simpson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're a very dapper chap, if you don't mind me saying.

-There's no answer to that, is there?

-There absolutely isn't.

Couldn't you find some better word than "dapper", for God's sake?

You're a horny, horny son of a bitch.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I've been reading up about you, it's fascinating.

Your first day at work,

-you had an incident with the then Prime Minister, didn't you?

-I did.

Tell us what happened, it's amazing. First day.

It was 1970, if you can imagine such a thing.

The newspaper's full of the idea that Harold Wilson, Prime Minister,

was going to call an election.

I step forward, I was working for radio, stepped forward,

my microphone, tape recorder.

"Excuse me, Prime Minister," I said,

"There's a lot of speculation that you're going to call an election

"and I just wondered whether this was true."

I didn't really get that far.

In fact, all I got to was to say, "Excuse me, Pri..."

When he exploded with rage, grabbed the microphone out of my hand,

punched me really hard in the stomach.

He wasn't really very much of a Prime Minister,

but he had a good right hook.

Wow.

-If that happened to David Cameron...

-I wish.

..are you confident you could take Cameron down?

I'm a nasty so-and-so.

You're a biter. You look like a biter.

Not a biter, but a puncher. And a head-butt-er.

Wow!

When you work with the Taliban, you know,

you have to do these things.

Isn't that an amazing thing?

Who...? That's why I love you.

Who gets to say a sentence like that?

"I'm good at head-butting.

"When you work with the Taliban, you have to be."

Absolute balls, of course,

cos I've never head-butted a Taliban in my life.

-No, I have.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

-Well, it wasn't a real...

-What happen? They nick your mojito?

No, I have. I've punched a Talib.

OK, it's interesting talking about the Taliban.

You've interviewed a whole host of dictators.

-Loonies.

-Loonies, absolutely.

Who is the maddest dictator that you've interviewed,

cos you've interviewed Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein.

There was a bloke called the Emperor Bokassa

in the Central African empire.

He was... He was clearly completely loopy.

He was in exile in France and I went to see him there.

His house was full of pictures.

The only subject in the pictures was Napoleon.

So he must have had about 300 pictures of Napoleon.

Oh, no, there was a picture of him as well.

-Right.

-Dressed as Napoleon.

-He ate the leader of the opposition.

-He ate him?!

Well, he was put on trial and his cook said that every time

he was feeling down in the dumps,

he'd order a slice off the leader of the opposition, who was dead.

The body was in the fridge.

Wow. That would really change Prime Minister's Question Time

over here, wouldn't it?

Just having a bit of Miliband.

Yeah, what kind of sauce do you want? Stuff like that.

I'd have Ed Miliband with piri-piri sauce, I think.

-Well, it'd liven him up.

-Absolutely, yes.

APPLAUSE

From all the places you've been, what have you learnt

most from travelling around this world of ours.

-Do you want the real answer?

-Yeah.

People are really nice and decent.

If you can just touch that inner decency in people,

you'll always be fine.

I'm a much nicer person, you know, everything used to irritate me

and I used to shout at people and yell at people.

What winds you up?

Being ignored.

Not because I feel I am so important, but just I think it's rude.

Do you know what I hate?

When you've ordered food, you're with a mate, says he's not hungry.

-Food arrives, he's got his hand on your plate.

-I know.

-Chips.

-Chips.

-It's the chips. They go for the chips, don't they?

That's true. That's true the world over. The Amazonian Indians do that.

They nick your chips?

LAUGHTER

They would do.

They would do if I'd had chips.

Is this around the time that you were in the jungle

and you experimented with drugs?

-Yeah. Should we say experimented with drugs?

-Had a shitload of?

Er... LAUGHTER

How do you want to put it?

-Shouldn't I get on to my lawyer about this?

-No...

-I didn't experiment with drugs. I was in this village.

-Yes.

And, yes, it was two different types of herb,

or a kind of bark and leaves and all that sort of stuff.

They stuck it in a pot, boiled it up and they dished it out.

And I said, "Oh, how nice. Oh, yes."

-And took a little sort of sip, like that.

-Yeah, yeah.

-And they all stood round and they'd got bows and arrows.

-Yes.

And it became clear that actually just taking a sip wasn't enough.

So I had to down the whole thing.

Oh, my God, so there were people with bows and arrows going,

"Down it! Down it!"

-In the middle of the jungle.

-Yes.

-And what happened?

Well, I started seeing the weirdest things.

I saw a six-foot goldfish that came over...

I promise you this is true.

Why would you lie?

-It had a straw hat on.

-It was a folk goldfish, it makes sense.

So the six-foot goldfish with the straw hat, yes,

put his fin around my shoulder and said, "How's it going, man?"

-Wow!

-So I thought...

I've had enough.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for being on my show.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Simpson.

Next up, this is brilliant.

There's a Croatian man who people claim can cure them just by staring.

-Do you want to see him?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

You know you do.

They weren't standing in line to see Madonna

or looking to buy the latest iPhone.

These fans came for something else -

to be front and centre so this man can stare at them.

NEW AGE MUSIC

How do they not laugh?

He looks like a constipated chipmunk.

Have you seen the mind-blowing things his fans claim he can do.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

This is my favourite.

I'd love to see that miracle. "Look into my eyes, just the eyes. Just...

"..just the eyes, just look at the eyes!

"Oh, look, you've gone and got yourself pregnant...

"because of my magical eyes."

Mind you, I'm just jealous.

I'm just jealous because for a while I was in the staring miracle game.

I was. But my lazy eyes caused a few problems.

NEW AGE MUSIC

Nice one, you wonky-eyed twat!

APPLAUSE

Next up, have you heard the latest news about Michael Jackson?

The king of pop wrote many songs about many things -

from people he met, to saving the planet,

to zombies.

But now a previously undiscovered Michael Jackson song

has come to light on the internet.

It was written ten years ago and it's about...

..Gloucestershire.

That's right. Michael Jackson wrote a song about Gloucester!

Imagine that.

# Gloucester, Gloucester you're the best

# Pasties, dogging and Fred West. #

LAUGHTER

# It don't matter if you're white or white. #

LAUGHTER

Wouldn't it be great if we found out all his songs came from Gloucester.

Some old bloke - "I'm Billie Jean and I weren't his lover!"

Some woman writing in her own shit -

"Hello! I'm Dirty Diana!

"The colours!"

To be honest, the song's only the tip of the iceberg.

We believe he's not dead. He's in our chippy, actually.

That's right.

Michael Jackson is working in a chip shop.

I really wish that was true.

# I'm talking to the man in the chippy! #

"Oi, Jacko! Where's my saveloy?"

HE GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

This is the silliest joke I've ever done.

# It's on the griller!

# Griller now! #

APPLAUSE

God bless...

God bless local news.

Did they get the original song?

No. They got this local nutter to sing it.

# I wish we'd see you in Gloucestershire

# I wish to see you in Gloucestershire

# I wish to see...

# You in Gloucestershire

# Again. #

It sounds rubbish.

It's awful.

Mind you, it's not the worst pop impersonator I've seen.

Check out this lady's costume change from Greece's

version of Stars In Their Eyes.

SHE SPEAKS GREEK

..Stevie Wonder.

One! Two! One, two, three, four!

What part of her brain thought that was OK?

Not that it was the worst musical performance of the week.

Did anyone else see Wayne Rooney dueting with Ed Sheeran?

OFF-KEY: # Words have two meanings

# There's something on my mind... #

HE SCREAMS

LEG IT!

Finally tonight, a wonderful story about a soldier

and a boy he met in Bosnia.

A decade ago, Stefan Savic from Bosnia had just had

life-changing surgery to help repair a severe facial deformity.

Thank you.

A thank-you kiss for Wayne Ingram was a great moment, for it was

Wayne who set about raising the thousands of pounds to get

Stefan to England and Great Ormond Street Hospital,

after spotting the little boy while

out on patrol there as a soldier.

Before we knew it, we had £15,000.

I came back to the UK and just literally as soon as

I mentioned it to the people of Weymouth, Portland, Dorchester,

all around Dorset, the money started flooding in.

I was still working with ASDA at the time.

I put buckets at the end of tills.

All these people were putting their hands in their pockets

and just giving money all the time.

Ten years on and Wayne has done it again

to raise the money for Stefan's latest operation.

In total, he's collected more than £130,000 to help change

Stefan's life for the better.

They had that bond immediately, him and Wayne,

and all these ten years they have been in contact

and we always knew that he is having his other surgery after ten years.

He considers Wayne a really good friend.

I was the lucky guy to be in the wrong place at the right time

and to meet a truly outstanding and amazing young man.

I mean, Stefan...Stefan's come through all of his operations

and not once has he complained.

He's an amazing young chap who's going to go on to a fantastic life.

-APPLAUSE

-Exactly. What an absolute dude.

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Good night!