Spoof comedy. McKirdy and Singh fall out over issuing a ticket to a family member. The Chief heads to London for a press conference to launch a combined police force.
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Coming up - shotgun-wielding maniacs...
-You can't pepper your brother.
-Do it, do it, do it.
..and a couple of canine lovers go ballistic.
-You're kidding yourself on.
But there's nothing that can't be handled by the officers
of the Scottish Police Force.
Watch your head, Britain's tallest man.
This is Scot Squad.
Policing the public is a two-way highway, and policing that
highway his way is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
That's like getting turps from a zebra.
It just doesn't make sense to me.
It's very important that the public believe that the
police are listening, and we are listening.
I mean, not personally, but I have people who listen for me.
Now, the public are going to think,
"Well, can these people change anything?"
Well, technically, no,
because they're kind of on the level of the cleaners.
Because people have grievances, of course they do.
We've all... You'll have a grievance. I've got grievances.
I mean, do you know how hot it gets in this office
when the sun hits that window there?
Now, do I want to complain about that? Yes, I do.
Who do I complain to about that?
Me. Will something get done about it?
Well, I might just open the window a wee bit. So, yes.
Systems and solutions.
Decisive leadership from Chief Miekelson inspires traffic cops
Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy to take a hard line with road crime.
With us it's black and white.
You break the law, you're going down. Simple as that.
At least with a mobile phone you get a hands-free kit.
There's no hands-free kits with a banana.
I mean, we're often referred to as black rats.
It's mainly because black rats tend to eat their own.
Oh, that's cool, that is. I like that, the black rats.
I like that.
We were once driving along, we seen a car doing 34mph on a 30 zone.
So, we pulled him in. All right, check out the situation.
Just as we were going onto the pavement,
she happens to recognise PC Singh.
That's my boy! That's my son!
-You're Surjit's maw?
Surjit, it's your maw. I cannae believe it.
-How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Your son's a legend, by the way.
-I am so proud of him.
-He's a legend, top policeman.
-Thank you very much.
-As well you should be.
Look at that, the squad.
-We're going to an engagement party.
-Oh, are you? Right, I see.
It's good to see you.
THEY SPEAK PUNJABI
I thought they're doing 4mph on a 30 limit,
he might just give her a wee slap on the wrist.
-See you later.
-Right, see yous later on. Nice meeting yous.
Mum, Mum, Mum. We can't let you go just yet.
-Well, you were speeding.
-But it's his engagement party, son.
-I know it's Mum, but...
You cannae give your maw a speeding ticket, mate. Come on.
-Aye, but I'm going to have to.
-Ah, come on.
-Why do you have to?
-Has he always been like this?
Because it's the law.
When he was a young boy, you know what he used to do?
He used to arrest the cat.
If the hat's on...
Why are you not going to your brother's engagement party?
-Because I'm on duty.
-But you could have got the day off.
-I can't get the day off.
-Jonno would have worked for you.
Crime doesn't take a day off. No. No.
Crime doesn't take a day off, OK? You're being a bit aggressive now.
If you can stand back a little bit, OK?
-What are you going to do?
-If you stand back...
You cannae pepper your brother.
Do it, do it, right in front of Mum.
You can't pepper your brother, mate.
There's no way I would give my mum a speeding ticket.
No chance. That's unthinkable.
I'd give her a ticket.
Aye, well, we know that.
Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar may spend every day in the station...
And, so, can I just take a note of your name?
It's Guy James.
..but no two days in the station are ever the same.
Do you like it?
And today's day is no exception.
All right, Officer Karen?
Hello, Bobby. What can I do for you?
Well, have you got DNA gloves?
So, I was walking past the football ground and there was this girl
and she was giving out free pies.
You know how I love free pies?
The thing is, she's gave us this pie, right, and I think she's
tried to poison me because it looks mental and it smells mental.
Bobby, the chances of someone at a football ground choosing to
poison a random individual are relatively small,
so, I think you're probably all right.
I've brought the evidence.
There you go, Officer Karen. Right?
So, I think where you...
What's confused you a wee bit is this is a curry pie.
This is a curry pie.
Officer Karen, you don't get curry pies.
That's like saying I eat toast and strawberries or something.
-You don't get curries in pies.
-The other one...
You get a mince pie, a steak pie, and then,
if you're still hungry, you get a chocolate doughnut.
Yeah, it's quite a strong curry in the curry pie.
But, look, if we go through the evidence what you've
got there is, there's your pie, right?
This here is chicken with curry on it
and this is sultanas.
Yeah, which you normally only get in a curry, not in a mince pie.
Unless you've got any other serious symptoms about it, I think
probably the pie's fine, it's just a pie you don't like.
It's not really a police matter and, to be honest, I'm not sure
environmental health can really help you with that either.
What I would suggest you do with that is just take it away,
to be honest. OK.
Oh, and you're just going to put that back in your pocket?
-Aye, I'll put it back in my pocket.
-Yeah. OK. See you later, Bobby.
And I'll see you later, right, Officer Karen?
-Right, on you go.
Oh, left-hand door, well done. See you later, Bobby.
From a stone-cold pie to a red-hot row.
The family feud is kicking off at the kerbside.
No, no, no. Well, we have to write you a ticket, so...
-You can't give them a ticket.
HE SPEAKS PUNJABI
Right, come on. That's not fair, I don't sp... Come on. I don't.
You can't be speaking like that when I'm here,
I don't know what you're saying.
-I've got to be involved, do you know what I mean? Exactly.
-We teach you Punjabi.
-Aye, go on. Tell me something.
I've always... I ask him all the time to teach me something
but he never does it, he never listens.
-I'll teach you the Punjabi dance.
You can as well, aye?
If you're breaking the law, you're breaking the law.
And I have to uphold the law, essentially.
That is what I have sworn to do.
What's the point of getting a breathalyser
when you're all Muslims? You don't drink.
Oh, right. We're Sikhs. That's a turban.
Oh, right. Right.
Indian women don't drink.
-Indian women don't drink?
What do they drink?
-Not in public.
Can you breathalyse her for me?
I'm not breathalysing your maw.
-Oh, I remember. I saw it on television.
-Oh, right. Aye. Aye.
-In that Taggart programme.
-You like Taggart?
Do you like Taggart?
-I love Taggart.
-Oh, aye. So, is there, like, any Indian Taggarts?
Are there any Indian Taggarts?
-You're Indi...you're Indian Taggart!
-IN INDIAN ACCENT:
-There's been a murder!
That's a bit racist.
Ah, sorry, man. I was getting carried away.
-You're still on duty so be professional.
I know, I know, I know. What?
-Oh, my God, man.
-I can only apologise.
-Nice to meet you.
-Yeah, it was great meeting you.
-Please enjoy your party.
-Yes, we will.
Oh, aye. I'll see you later on. See you later on.
Obey the traffic laws.
See you later on, big man, all right? You enjoy yourself.
Catch you later, mucker, all right? Catch you later, man.
Sorry about him, man.
He gave his maw a ticket.
He gave his maw a ticket. A speeding ticket.
I didn't give her a ticket, she gave herself a ticket.
Aye, but it was your maw.
Your maw's your maw but the law's the law.
Listen, there's not a criminal worth his salt that hasn't given
the police a false name, you know, so...
But you've got to be very careful because some people give a name,
turns out it's really their name, you know?
There's a Mr Mittens that's been in and out
the station over the years.
Raymond Peanuts, a real fellow. Lives in Gartcosh.
There was a Don Chorus who actually exists and he had D-O-N,
and he had a sister called Dawn Chorus.
So, their parents are just having a laugh at them, poor kids.
But it's actually their names. Nicola Sturgeon, there's one.
I mean, the first time I met Nicola Sturgeon, she says to me,
"Hello. I'm Nicola Sturgeon."
I go, "Oh, right. Yeah, and I'm Harry Haddock."
But, of course, it turns out she's actually called Nicola Sturgeon.
Ridiculous. So be on your guard.
From the First Minister to first-class law administers.
If I get my hands on him...
I need to arrest you for being
too good-looking, do you know what I mean? It's not fair.
It's not fair on all these lads out here, is it?
Robbery. High street. Move it.
PCs Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher
present a perfect policing partnership.
To break up the monotony we always swap about jobs.
Sometimes driving, sometimes on...
If there's a bag snatch, one of us will take the statement,
the other person will go looking for the bag, and we alternate.
So it's turnabout, basically.
But on the way to a bag snatch,
a familiar face forces PC McLaren to suggest a change to the system.
I'll buy you a coffee and your lunch if I can go looking for the bag.
It's your turn.
Aye, I know, but I just... You're better with women that way.
-Them's the rules. Them's the rules.
-Aye, no, I know. I'll let you drive.
No, I'll do it. I'll do it.
Coffee, lunch, drive? Ah, how you doing?
-I'm going to leave you with my colleague, Jack,
and I'm going to go and look for your bag.
-How's it going? All right?
Hi, Jack. How are you?
Not bad. Not bad. How's yourself?
I'm good, thanks. Well, except for having my bag stolen.
So, aye, let's...
straight to business and we'll get you a couple of details here.
Name - obviously Claire. Claire - second name still...
-Yeah, still Long. Uh-huh.
I was putting my brolly up and I put it down
and they just came and grabbed it.
Basics, aye. You should never leave it.
What bag was it? Description?
It was the white and blue one.
Oh, right. I mean, it's a lovely bag.
-I use it all the time.
-That's why I chose it.
Yeah, quite a rare one, you won't get another one like that.
I mean, I do like the bag. I hope I get the bag back.
I'm not bothered. Doesn't...
Don't care if you like the bag or not.
Still in the same house?
Uh-huh. Yeah, still in the flat up the road, aye.
On your own?
Good. For you.
So, how long has it been now?
About a year, I think?
-Just last summer.
Remember we were... Well, you'd booked that holiday
and I just thought it was a wee bit too quick,
it was just such a big surprise.
Well, that was the point. I had to sort it out with your boss.
Well, I just didn't want to put you out
-and, you know, I just... I didn't...
-Put me £600 out.
Deposit I never got back.
You did go on the holiday.
Aye, I didn't get your deposit back though, did I?
Anyway, that's all by the by, it was a cracking holiday
and what a power of riding I got through.
But your phone bill must have been extortionate.
It's... You phoned me about 72 times.
It wasn't me.
Well, it was you. I spoke to you.
No, that was the waiter kidding on he was me.
He stole my phone.
It's really nice to see you, anyway.
And you're not crying this time so that's good.
Success as PC Fletcher locates the victim's stolen bag.
Oh, brilliant! Thank you so much.
-They ran off, but as long as everything's there.
Lucky to get things back. We don't always get our money back, do we?
-No, but everything's there, so...
I know, but I'm saying, hypothetically,
sometimes people don't always get things back.
-My partner and I should move on now, so...
I moved on a long time ago.
So, nice to see you, Jack.
-Right, all the best, take care.
Some bags are bags for life, aren't they?
Not like the ones you can buy at the supermarket,
but that could have been a bag for life.
It was a better bag than a bag for life.
She'll not get another bag like that.
But in this instance we did get it back, so...
I know, but she needs to learn the lesson
that if she didn't get it back, she still COULD get it back
if she just asked...the police to get the bag back.
She did ask the police and we did get it back, so...
Mm-hmm. So, she's the winner, again.
Are we still talking about a bag?
Scotland's land -
beautiful to look at, but torn apart by territorial turmoil.
PCs McIntosh and Mackay are called out to a turf war.
Do you feel that?
No, do you want me to feel it?
We were called out to this estate to a territorial dispute
between two older gentlemen.
This is unbelievable!
I can't believe this is a driveway, it's like the A9.
'One of them claimed that the other one was building
'a fence into his land and he wanted us to resolve it.'
Who is complaining?
-It is a Hunter MacDonald, if you know him?
-Ah. Yes, yes, yes.
Well, he claims that the fence is just...
It's crossed over into his land.
-He says you're building on...
I don't know. I mean, I'll certainly check, if you like.
If there's been a mistake, I will rectify it, certainly.
Seemed like a lovely guy.
-'He was really pleasant.
-Really pleasant, helpful,'
forthcoming with information.
'However, we then went to visit Mr MacDonald'
to tell him about the discussion that we'd had,
that everything would be resolved.
Well, are we on the same page here?
Are we talking about the same Calder Campbell?
Thief, rogue, vagabond, arsehole.
Are we talking about the same person?
You know, you two have been sold right up the Swannee. He's had you.
He's a terrible man! A terrible, terrible man!
Keep your voice down, please. That might be your opinion...
This situation between the Campbells and MacDonalds
has been ongoing for a thousand years.
You don't understand very much about the Campbells and MacDonalds.
We're trying hard to
and Mr Campbell assured us that you had been...
Well, you're not trying hard enough, miss.
-Things got a little out of control.
-Oh, I'll say!
# Oh, the Campbells are coming You can tell by the smell... #
Ah, you bastard! How dare you?!
# The Campbells are coming They're all going to hell... #
How dare you go to the BLEEP police!
Mr Campbell flies onto the property on a quad bike.
With a shotgun.
-We shall settle this mano-a-mano!
-You're trespassing on my land!
Now, listen, you are an arse! An arse!
-You have been for the last 60 years.
-Oh, your arse!
-Who do you think you are?
-Please calm down.
I can sense there's a little bit of tension
-and it's sometimes...
-Oh, well done, Police(!)
You actually sense...
See what I'm saying? See, I told you that earlier.
Well, well, well! How clever!
I expected more from you, Mr Campbell.
-He's lost his bloody mind!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm used to handling men of all ages,
sometimes in large numbers,
and sometimes the only way to deal with them is to dominate.
OK! Shut your faces! You talk first. What's the problem?
You've already taken God knows how many feet off my land.
Now you'll be taking a few more yards, then a few more yards!
Then another 100 yards! Then my bloody house!
Why would I want to take your stupid sheep-stealer shack of a house?!
-Because it's in your DNA!
-I have got a beautiful house of my own.
-Let's just resolve this once and for all.
-We're going to have a duel. Like gentlemen.
-Get them arrested and in the back of the vehicle.
And that's when we had to say, "Enough is enough, guys."
-You illegitimate bastard!
-I am NOT illegitimate!
-Of course you are!
-It's YOU that's the bastard!
I was scared for Charlie.
-You needn't have been but I appreciate that.
-I don't know what to do with him.
'McIntosh and Mackay are left with little leeway...'
Not going to speak to you any more.
'..and these lairy lairds land themselves
'in the local station lock-up.'
For Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie,
every day is an opportunity to learn something new...
Excuse me, there. Are you Fern Britton?
Oh, OK. Have a nice day.
..and become the ultimate volunteer.
'Yes, we do get appraisals at work.'
I got one recently, actually,
saying I had to be more "authorative",
which I didn't agree with, which was slightly mean.
But I decided to take the suggestion on board, shall we say?
See, there's a law now that you can only walk four dogs.
'There was this woman at the park
'and she kept flouting the law, you know?'
And flouting it in my face.
I understand, this is your livelihood,
but this is my livelihood too... if I got paid.
But that's not the point. OK?
I confiscated the dogs from her.
Now, you go off and tell your superiors
that they can come to the pound and collect them. OK?
'She was breaking the law, OK?'
My hands were tied with dog leads.
No-one makes Ken Beattie look stupid.
'I took the dogs to the pound,
'and that was me being "authorative".'
-Oh, aye. Hello.
-How are you?
Hello, how am I? How are you with your five dogs?
-Oh, I've got...
-Five dogs! I've got two dogs, you've got five dogs.
-The law is four dogs.
-I know... Yes, I know.
-Four. Four dogs.
Look, don't tell me that! I know what the law is.
-Oh, don't me tell you?
-What are you all about, man?
-Look at the state of it.
-I'm taking these...
-You're kidding yourself on.
YOU'RE kidding yourself on.
Have you got a spare poop bag for me?
-Oh, a poop bag?
-He's wanting poop bags.
-Is it for yourself?
-You're a poop bag.
-It's not for myself.
-See, if you went to the shops,
how much would it cost you for a bag?
-I don't... 5p.
Up with the cash.
-Are you serious?
-Up with the cash.
-Give her the money.
Blackmailing? That'll be right.
Blackmailing! He's breaking the law.
-There you go.
-Speak to you tomorrow.
-Away you go.
-You'll not speak to us.
-I won't speak to you again.
No, we've got another couple of dogs.
-See if we fit in with you then. Come on.
I'd to pick up dog poop.
OK. Don't eat it! Don't eat it! Away!
It's not a very pleasant experience at all.
Especially when it's not your own dog.
No more pooping until we reach the pound, OK?
The dogs were impounded.
I felt like Cruella De Vil.
No, you're not playing stick now.
Scottish Police Force's Maggie LeBeau is first in line,
on the line, to help those in need.
And in what way exactly does she look like Vanessa Feltz?
OK, if you could just keep at a safe distance from the attacker.
Oh, you ARE the attacker. Right.
So, the new Scottish Police Force website has a great feature.
Basically, we have a database where we collate all the crimes
that are taking place and you can just stick in your postcode
and it'll come up with what crime is most prevalent in your area,
which is brilliant if you're trying
to buy a house, for example, you know?
Stick the postcode in, let's say car theft
and housebreaking comes up, that's all right.
Just get a good alarm system, you'll be fine.
But, say, knife crime and incest comes up, maybe keep looking.
Unless that's your thing.
All right, Officer Karen?
-How are you doing?
-What can we do for you today?
Oh, you'll love this, by the way.
Are you ready? I think it's going to be a surprise.
Here we go.
And there's flowers as well.
Happy birthday, Officer Karen.
Thanks, it's... That's really very kind of you, thank you very much.
I properly appreciate it... I'm just a wee bit...
How did you find out that it was my birthday?
Well, remember that time I tried to add you on Facebook
and you've not accepted my friend request yet?
Yeah. Well, it's blocked on the computers in here.
We're not allowed to access Facebook at work, so...
I seen it on your Facebook.
I seen your birthday and I was like that,
"Well, I'm going to treat Officer Karen."
I made you a home-made birthday card and I got you a cake as well.
-And I only got that for 50 pence so that's good.
So, what are you doing tonight then for your birthday? What's happening?
What's the plans? You got anything on?
I think I'm just going to have a quiet night in.
Are you just chilling?
Yeah. I just... I'm going to just head up the road.
-I'm chuffed with myself.
-Right, birthday girl!
See you down the boozer for your wee party, eh?
You don't look a day over 21.
-Yeah, OK. See you in a bit.
Is that the boozer, aye? For your birthday?
Aye, well...it's... It's nothing, it's just a wee...
It's like a work thing, you know? You have to...
The boys. With the boys and that.
It's just a couple of mates. It's just... It's quite a quiet...
Sergeant Donaldson, aye.
Yeah, yeah. Erm...
If you go to the pub tonight, you can take your cake for...
And Sergeant Donaldson can have a wee slice and stuff and...
But I'm not doing anything tonight, anyway,
I've got, like, the X-Files box set and I'll watch that
and I'll get some pizza or something but... I don't know.
-I don't know.
But... Anyway, have a good time tonight, right, Officer Karen?
See you later, right?
And tell...tell Sergeant Donaldson he can have as much cake as he wants
as long as he leaves you with a good bit, right?
See you later.
Yeah, so, I'm off to London this week. Very exciting.
Been a while since I've been down there.
So, how do I get back to New Scotland Yard? Do you know?
You know, there's nothing the mean streets of London can teach me,
but still it's always good to take the temperature of the place.
Meeting up with Harry Cope,
who is an old friend, actually.
He's now working down there,
he's Deputy Chief of the London City force.
We're working together, it's a joint operation
called Operation Boomslang and we're doing a press conference.
'And I'm excited to see Harry.'
-Oh, here he is.
-Cameron, how are you? Sorry to keep you waiting.
No, that's fine. I'd plenty to do.
-Sorry for keeping you waiting.
-You're looking very well.
-You got any hair under there? Come on, show me.
-Slightly more than you do.
-Show me, I bet you haven't.
Let's get that... OK, put your hat back on. That's lovely.
Is that a transplant?
It's certainly not a transplant. Is that?
-Well, that's all paid for.
-That beer baby you're carrying there.
That is all paid for, son. Good to see you.
-Good to see you as always.
Go on. Well, after you.
No. No, no, no. I insist. You.
Is it... Are these seats the same... the same level?
We're here to discuss a cross-border initiative
between the Scottish Police Force
and the City of London Police Force called Boomslang.
Operation Boomslang is co-operation, friendship,
dialogue between the NATION of Scotland and the CITY of London.
Boomslang is a snake with two heads
and that's where the idea for this operation came together.
You imagine you're in a Chinese
trying to eat a meal with one chopstick, it's not going to happen.
This is a two-chopstick operation that we're here to discuss.
As a NATIONAL leader of the Police Force,
I'm in charge of a unified police force of an entire COUNTRY
and we wanted to talk to some of our CITY colleagues
who are smaller, the smaller...
Well, I wouldn't say one of the smaller police forces,
we are actually one of the largest police forces,
not only in Great Britain, but possibly in the world,
which I think... We dwarf you up there by quite a margin.
In numbers, not in results.
It's... We're in the results business is all I'm saying
and really, you try and get from here to the car across London
and see if you've still got your wallet is all I'm saying.
Does Deputy Chief Commissioner Cope
have any comments on rumours he's moving back north?
Well, I would... Now, that...
Well, that's a slightly unfair question
seeing as Cameron is sitting here.
I mentioned in passing that I would like to go back
to a more pastoral form of policing.
I don't believe the position of deputy is currently open.
Well, the rumour I heard was that you were resigning
-or being asked to...
-No, no, that's...rumour.
I'm very, very, very...
Aye, you would take this job from my cold, dead hands.
It was merely a conversation over the future of Scottish...
Listen, no truth in the matter, no.
Boomslang is rolling out across the country
and inter-departmentally starting from next Wednesday.
We want to be discussing...
Sorry. Sorry, excuse me, I've got... There's a call I have to take.
If you could finish wrapping up, that would be great.
-Yes. Good, so, that's...
-Thank you very much.
I've got a meeting as well, I've got a very important meeting
so thank you very much for coming and I have to go to my meeting.
-talk to me like that again, you...
-You were talking absolute
-in there, I had to get out.
Very nice to see Harry again. He hasn't changed a bit.
He's exactly as he was, he's always... Always has been like that.
Trip went very well, very nice to be down here,
Operation Boomslang is under way,
and... Well, it's eight hours to the sleeper, so, I'll...
I'll maybe get myself down the half-price ticket booth,
so, OK, safe journey back.
Back up the road...
on the road, Officers Singh and McKirdy
are about to hit the road at the end of another shift.
It's that time of the day again.
Five, four, three, two, one...
This shift is over! Get the tunes on!
MUSIC: Mundian To Bach Ke by Panjabi MC
You love this tune, don't you?
Oh, I love it.
How is it you do it? How do you do it?
-Calm, calm, calm. First, remember what I told you, right?
Oh, aye, the thing with the light bulbs, man.
Twist the light bulbs. Twist the light bulbs. There you go.
MCKIRDY SINGS ALONG
-Now let's go for the shoulders.
-Oh, aye, that's it.
-We don't know anything.
-Aye, we don't know anything.
-I don't know anything.
-What are you talking about?
Who knows? Who cares?
Let's ride the bike.
There you go!
THEY SING ALONG
Oh, takes a lot out of you, that, doesn't it?
Oh, mate, you should go to an Indian wedding.
What, aye, really, aye?
-Oh, high energy, mate. High energy.
-Awful workout. Aye.
-People just blazing, man?
-You'd be sweating.
-Aye? Just sweating all over the dance floor?
Aye, it's a good workout. Really good workout, aye.
-Folk sliding all over the place.
-Good times, mate, good times.
SINGH SINGS ALONG
-Hey, I'll teach you something.
-Aye, go on.
There you go, that's a good one. There you go.
THEY SING ALONG
Traffic officers McKirdy and Singh fall out over issuing a ticket to a family member but make up over some music at the end of their shift. City cops McLaren and Fletcher meet a familiar face while attending a bag snatch, and rural officers Mackay and McIntosh deal with some quarrelsome landowners. Call Centre Operator Maggie LeBeau has some useful advice for homebuyers, Sergeant Karen Ann Millar has to deal with a curry pie and a birthday cake, and Volunteer Officer Beattie finds himself following the leads of five dogs. The Chief explains the importance of listening to the public and the implausibility of some people's names, before heading to London for a press conference to launch a combined Scottish Police Force/London City Force initiative with an old colleague.