Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. The officers deal with an endless Christmas, a drug dealer's excuses and Bobby Muir's nonsense.
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Coming up... Fists are flying at a bus stop bust-up...
..drug dealers with devil dogs...
..and a creepy Christmas case to crack.
But it's all in a day's work for the men and women
of the Scottish Police Force. That's me!
This is...Scot Squad!
Scotland, one country, policed by one force.
And that one force is policed by one man. The number one man. This man.
My job is dependent on a certain percentage of people being stupid.
Chief Commissioner, Cameron Miekelson.
Well, I'm two years now, into my reign.
"Reign" is quite a grand word,
but I can't think of a more appropriate one, really, um...
So, I've got a long reign ahead of me, but I'm not a complete ingenue.
I'm Queen, the band Queen,
before anyone knew that Freddie was gay.
They just thought it was flamboyant. So, I've had a couple of hits,
but it's way before Live Aid.
I'm U2, when The Edge had hair and Bono wasn't quite so insufferable!
I'm Status Quo...
..at any time.
In short, I firmly believe I still have my best years ahead of me,
but that's not to say that the last two years haven't been exceptional.
When faced with the Scottish public, nothing fazes Desk Sergeant,
Karen Ann Millar. She can deal with the lot - and then some.
You know, as a police officer, having previously
been on the beat, it is a different, kind of, a beast,
to be in the police station.
Every time that door opens, there is a tiny clench in your buttocks,
cos you don't know what's going to come through that door.
All right, Officer Karen? How you doing?
I'm just out on Wee Betty's bike.
I'm just taking it out for a wee service today.
Is it all right if I go and use the toilet?
Two secs, right, Officer Karen? Is it all right to park this in here?
See you later, right, Officer Karen.
Two secs, right?
Out in the sticks, in the sticky heat of summer,
McIntosh and Mackay seek answers from a countryside crackpot,
whose calendar has gone missing.
We'd had several complaints over the course of a few weeks
about a gentleman's house,
which was covered in Christmas decorations.
'You know, normally, that's quite a joyful thing, lovely thing to see,
'but it's not Christmas.'
Merry Christmas! Eh...hello.
Can I get you a mulled wine or anything?
Not while I'm on duty.
OK, we've had a lot of calls and complaints about the decorations,
mostly in the garden - the music, the snowmen, the Santa sleighs,
you know? It's upsetting a lot of people.
I thought I brought happiness to people round here.
You always get comments, you know? Absolutely. Every time I go to
the shop, you hear people speaking about me. I don't doubt that.
People just don't want that all year round.
I think people are curious why you're doing this?
Well, I've just always loved Christmas.
I sold my Sellotape factory and I didn't want to go into business
again. I had a lump sum, so I didn't want to get married again,
so I thought, "Well, when am I happiest?"
I thought, "I'm happiest the night before Christmas."
Going to bed, you're all excited. Oh, yes!
And I thought, "Well, why not do that EVERY day?" Yes!
Well, I mean, who doesn't love Christmas?
Have you got a favourite Christmas song? I...
Well, I mean, take your pick off the Enya Christmas Secrets EP.
That's an absolute belter.
That is an absolute... Can I shake your hand on that?
You can! That's an absolute beauty. Good call. Oh, great!
What about yourself? I'm a Pogues fan.
Sort of mainstream, there. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So, everything about Christmas, do you...? Oh, I just love it all.
In fact, I was just away to have my Christmas dinner
before you got here. You're welcome to join me.
There's a whole turkey through there. No.
Thank you, though. Yeah, yeah. Really full. We've just eaten.
Mince pie? No. Sorry, no, just had... Well, what about a cracker?
You'll pull a cracker, eh? Come on. Come on, pull a cracker!
It's not really professional. Come on! Go on, Charlie.
Go on! It can't hurt.
You could win! OK!
Oh, you did.
So, do you even take the shots of goose fat and wear the stockings
for your dinner the night before and all the traditions?
No, I don't do that.
I think that's maybe a personal family tradition.
From a ho-ho-ho, to a nee-naw, nee-naw.
The Scot Squad aren't driving home for Christmas.
Clunk-click, here we go.
But traffic officers, Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy, are driving home
the message that, if you're naughty, they won't be nice.
It's fine boys! Traffic's got it!
On the road, it's not always drivers that we encounter and that we have
'to take care of. We had an incident that took place on a bus.'
It's that one there.
'We were told that there was a person on the bus'
'who was being loud, shall we say?'
The problem is, we have paid for our fare,
we have paid for our seat and this bus has broken down.
'This customer didn't want to get off the bus,
'they wanted to wait on the bus until another bus arrived'
and the driver wasn't having it. "Health and safety."
When I bought a ticket with that driver,
I made a contract with the bus company.
Right now, you're causing a bit of a scene.
You're getting a bit too excited. A bit of a scene?
Aye, you're being abusive to the bus driver.
Me and the bus driver are fine!
Look, you're causing... Your conduct aboard this bus... Don't mimic me.
Don't mimic me. I'm not... Don't mimic me.
I'm not here to be... Look... This is a breach of my civil liberties.
You're causing a breach of the peace aboard this bus.
Breach of the peace. Away and raffle yourself.
What I want you to do is... It's exactly what happened to Rosa Parks.
This is a bit of people solidarity! This is a bit of people power
against this bus company that we're sick to the back teeth already,
without it breaking down. And we are waiting here
till another bus comes or the tow truck company comes and takes me
hame with my big shop!
Over at the Christmas house, while the decorations outside
are frightful, inside, the man's compliance is delightful.
Well, listen, we do have to do something
about the decorations outside. If we could take in, even, a few of them.
I don't want to cause any trouble, you know,
so I'll bring some in.
I just need to check upstairs, really, run it past...
See if it's OK with him?
'What happened next was like something out of'
a Twilight Zone: Stars In Their Eyes.
Happy Christmas, boys and girls! Eh?!
It's me - Santa! How are you, boys and girls?!
Have you been a good wee girl this year?! Aye?!
Have you?! Yeah.
Yeah?! Right, shall we go and get in...
Get all the decorations in, eh?! Shall we?!
Come on, then, boys and girls!
Come on! Ho-ho-ho! Come on!
Oh, wait a minute, now! Look what you're standing under -
Gi'e the lassie a wee kiss, then.
No... I really don't... Gi'e her a kiss! Come on, it's Christmas!
Get into the spirit! Gi'e her a kiss!
Kiss her! Kiss her!
Strangely, although he seemed to change
'character, he was compliant with
'the request to take in the decorations.'
That is actually one of the most terrifying things that
I've ever seen in my whole life. Bye! OK, bye. Bye, Creepy Claus.
Back on the bus, tensions are rising
quicker than the cost of an all-day ticket.
It's simple as this - if you don't get aff the bus, we'll arrest you.
Oh, aye. Aff.
Watch your head. Get off me!
See when my man hears about this, he will rip you
fae arsehole to breakfast! Right, that's OK. My messages!
It's OK. My bloody messages!
You'll get it. You'll be getting it and all!
Leave him alone. Get aff me! You're disgusting.
Do you want to feel my southpaw? Huh?
'I do not expect to come to work and be assaulted.'
We are police officers, so we do expect it. We are police officers,
'yes, but we don't expect it when we're going on a bus and dealing
'with a woman with her messages.' Get aff me! Help!
This is a breach of... Get your BLEEP...
This is a breach of my civil liberties!
Get off me! This is an assault!
Get aff me! Get aff me! You get off me! Get aff me!
You get aff me! You just touched my tit.
I'm doing you for a sexual assault and all! Ah, your arse!
There's nae way I would have sexually assaulted her.
I wouldn't sexual assault anybody.
Aye, you're shiteing it now. Get back! Hey! Shut it.
Calm down. She's off her head. She struck me. Come here, come here.
Rolling about the ground with a woman. I know.
Not the first time you've done that. Come here. Look at me. Look at me.
What am I meant to do? Look at me. Ah, I'm fine. My eyes. Look at me.
I didn't expect it, did I? Look at me.
Didn't expect that, did I?
Right, you calm? I'm all right. Calm? I'm fine. Good.
Never mind her messages, hopefully, this menace
finally got the message - nobody messes with
the Scot Squad.
The war on drugs is a serious business.
It's a constantly-changing landscape.
The dealers change the names of the drugs all the time.
"We're calling it Charlie."
Fine, we can all get that. Then it's Whizz, then Bang,
then it's Ching. They're calling it Smack. A week later, it's Horse.
They're doing this, so that, if we've got the wiretap on,
they think we don't know what they're talking about, you know?
They're talking about Horse, for all you know, it's a perfectly
legitimate equine discussion.
Someone says, "Bring me an ounce of Horse",
at that point, your radar, your antennae, go up,
cos you think, "Hang on. An ounce of horse?
"That's a pretty small horse."
But there's a middle ground. Two or three kilos.
"Can I get two or three kilos of Horse?"
Now, you'd think that's a lot of drugs or is it a very small horse?
I mean, that could be a baby Shetland pony, you know?
So, you've got to have your wits about you.
The mega-war on drugs is a battle
the Scottish Police Force
are winning on the streets.
PCs Sarah Fletcher and Jack McLaren are the crack squad
cracking down on the crack dealers.
Oi, oi. Look. That's Liam Riddle, isn't it?
'A gentleman named Mr Riddle,'
who's well-known to us, well-known to all the police.
He's a drug dealer, basically.
So, you want to search me? I want to - and I will. OK?
Fill your boots, man. Sure. Soak it in. Get in, Jack.
Get a good feel.
Ah, he's clean. He can't be.
Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, mate.
What's on your dug? It's a...fashion accessory, mate.
What's your dog's name?
Loopy. You can call it Loopy. It's a bit loopy, know what I'm
talking about? Loopy, we're going to search you.
You're going to search my dog? Yes. I think you'll find that the stop
and search laws don't apply to canines.
It's its own person,
out there in the ether, living life and all that.
It's got its own heartbeat, its own soul, everything. Can you?
(I don't know. Radio in and ask.)
You don't want to break the law, do you? Just...
Can we search a dog? Scooby-Doo, sit.
We weren't sure if you could search an animal...
..but it turns out, you can and...
Then, you would think, if you can't, then everybody
would just put drugs on dogs. Yeah.
Or animals, or birds, or I don't know, you know?
You wouldn't get much on a bird.
A small packet of drugs. Depends the size of the bird.
An emu. You don't see many around here.
I know, but then, all the drug dealers would get them... Possibly.
..cos you're not allowed to search them. They'd all have emus.
A drugs emu.
So, right, I'm going to search you now. You sure about that?
It's Loopy. You know what I'm talking about?!
It's a mental dog! I thought you were good with dogs, Jack?
It knows an arsehole when it smells one. I thought you liked dogs?
I love dogs. And that's the problem. It knows I'm friendly.
Go again. Are you scared? No!
'I think, what the dog'
realised very quickly, as I did, is we're both, kind of,
trained in attacking
and it would have been a stand-off.
DOG BARKS Go on, you search it. I don't...
After a rough start... You searched me, I've not got anything!
Look... Oh! Oh! See? Good! Good, Loophole. I told you!
..PC Fletcher calms the savage beast.
It likes me, actually. Very soft.
So, what have we got?
Knew it. Oh, Jack!
That's, er... See what I did? I gave you the find. What, Tic Tacs?
That's exactly what it is - Tic Tacs for all the local weans.
'Using his dog as... as a drug mule, but...'
we're not donkeys. Mm-hm.
Used up one of his nine lives there, didn't he? That's cats.
Anyway, he's going to the jail.
The dog was later released without charge,
but the dirty dog dealer is now doing bird.
The laughing gas, you know, the helium gas?
I've... Some of the boys have stopped a car full of balloons!
Of course, it's a kid's party!
They wouldn't have known that, you know, it just looks like
a bunch of radges going down and... HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERING
So, you've got to be careful. And legal highs, the names -
Snapdragon. Andre's Pillow. Mr Peterson's Pants.
Spook Sauce. Pinky and Perky.
Or commonly known on the street as Sponge.
Legal today, but we're working on it and they'll soon be illegal,
so don't... If you're a sponge-head, don't go relaxing. We're on you.
There's no substitute to an officer on the beat.
Unless that substitute is a VOLUNTEER officer on the beat.
And Volunteer Office Ken Beattie KENS his beat better than anyone.
Make sure there's no dead bodies.
HE PANTS AND COUGHS
Counter-terrorism, violence, drug warfare, prostitution -
Ken Beattie deals with it all.
'Today, I helped an old woman home with her shopping.'
Hello, there, how you doing? Oh... Are you OK? No. I'm fair knackered.
Let's... Put that down a minute
and just take a wee breather, shall we? Oh, that's good.
She was rather confused and very, very old.
You know, she was that bent-over way.
My sister's coming to stay and I wanted to... Oh, lovely.
..up and get things in for her.
Listen to me. I'll give you a hand with this
up the road, OK? Would you? Yes, of course I will.
Let's just get this up the road and we could have a nice wee cup of tea!
How's that sound? Oh, that's great! Aye, do you like tea? Yes! Yeah?
All old people like tea, don't they? It's just a thing.
They reach a certain age and they just can't get enough of tea.
I just like your ordinary tea. Aye. They call it, um, what is it?
English Breakfast - isn't that a funny name for it? Aye.
What I like is a wee...a Rich Tea.
And I like they wee biscuits in the... What are they called?
With the...thingmy paper,
and they've got the marshmallow and the chocolate?
Are you all right, son? I'm fine.
Don't be daft. Are you sure? Yes, yes. All right.
This is really good of you.
Oh, deary me, aye! It's... Mm-hm? It's quite heavy.
Are you sure you're all right? Oh, of course. No, no, I'm fine.
Just taking a wee breather then I'll...
Oh, here, there's the sun coming out and you'll be getting melted. God!
Now, was it for, em...?
Oh! I'm OK. Oh, here, we...
Right. Oh, dear. Here we go.
Is it quite lonely, then? This is the hard bit, isn't it?
Oh, my God. Going up a hill.
Right enough... That's a big hill.
Ken Beattie answered this woman's call.
Answering EVERYONE'S call is
Scottish Police Force Call Centre Operator, Maggie LeBeau.
Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?
Your neighbour is keeping a horse in their living room?
Could you let me know your location?
Oh, I stay in Townhead.
This is where I like to stick up motivational posters.
And a motivational poster is,
basically, a poster that motivates you.
I'm a big fan, I love them,
and I think that they do kind of inspire the troops around here.
Er, this one here is... I love this.
"If you don't reach for the moon, you can't fall on the stars."
And, I mean, I really like it,
and I think, er, Lynne over there actually quite likes this guy here.
"Get on your bike,
"and feel the benefits."
And that's the tax benefits,
because we have a cycle to work scheme.
This one, very simple, but very profound.
"Make things happen!"
Kenny told me the other day, actually, it's Gandhi.
Gandhi said that. Er, the classic - "Carpe Diem" - seize the day.
Kenny has, kind of, ruined this one for me,
because he's pointed out that the word "knob" is also on the poster.
That doesn't inspire me.
This one, however, is the most inspiring one of all.
"Scottish Police Force."
It just reminds us of why we're here, of what we're doing,
that we are the Scottish Police Force.
And, like Gandhi said, we... "make things happen".
When making things happen,
there are no lengths to which the Scot Squad won't go,
even if that's five miles in the hot sun, carrying heavy shopping bags.
I feel a wee bit, sort of, shaky myself. Oh. Oh, deary me!
Right... Can we have a wee rest? I think that would be...
Oh, goodness sakes!
And the sun's come out, it's awfy hot. Ooh!
Oh... I'm fair wanting that free cup of tea, I can tell you that.
How, er... How far is it?
How far is it, what? To your house. To MY house?
I'm taking your shopping back... No, no, no, no!
You're taking me to YOUR house for tea.
You said, "Come for a wee cup of tea," you said!
Do you mean I've...I've walked all this way and I'm not...?
I've got to go all the way back?
'Turned out she thought we were going back to my house,'
and I thought we're going to her house. Ha!
You know, if it hadn't been for immense pain in my feet and arms,
I would've found it funny.
I don't know what to do. You're going to just have to get a taxi.
I can... I cannae afford a taxi! No!
Oh, oh! I'll try and... sort a taxi. What?
I'll try and sort a taxi. You'll sort it?
Well, as I say, I cannae pay for it. No, no, no. I'll see what I've got.
Right. In we go. All right. Here we go, right.
Ooh, here we go. Watch your head. I need this seat, I can tell you.
Where is it you're going? Er, James Street. James Street.
Ooh! Oh, it's an awful lot. Right.
This ended up all right. Aye, for you. Right enough, uh-huh.
There we go, Mary. Thank you.
Hey, driver, er... I've actually only got ?25 on me.
How much will it be to James Street? 25 quid will cover it.
Cheerie-bye! Bye-bye, Mary. Bye! Take care.
I'm ?25 out of pocket, I've got corns, bunions,
and all manners of things on my feet,
and my arms are, quite frankly, dead to me.
So, was it worth it?
I got an old woman home safely with her shopping, so, yes, it was.
Yes, I've had a pay increase. Yes, I...
Listen, I didn't want to take it.
I mean... But it's set by an independent committee,
I'm powerless to withstand their authority. You know?
I-I... Listen, between you and me, I would do this job for nothing,
but if the committee insists that my love for this job,
that I would do for nothing,
has to be transferred into enumerative pound sterling value,
then that is up to them and I have to just accept that.
I also considered giving the increase away, giving it back,
but then, you've got your whole Inland Revenue problems.
They think you've earned this much, you've actually earned that much.
You try to pay tax on that much. They go, "No, but it's this much."
There's investigations, inquiries, people on your case!
It costs them more to investigate what's actually gone on
than I've paid back.
So, the simplest thing is just to take the money and...
take the money.
Not run, I wasn't going to say run.
No-one's taking the money and running!
We're just taking the money, the legitimate money that I'm owed,
for my job.
From Payday to Mayday -
PCs McLaren and Fletcher respond to an SOS from a woman in distress.
Oh, my God. Hurry! Hurry! In! Get in! In, in, in!
What's exactly the problem? The disturbance? It's OK. It's OK.
We're safe in here. It's fine. They're outside.
Who? Who's outside? The wasps.
Is that a gang? In the tree! The tree of the wasps. The wasp's nest.
An actual...? Real wasps? Uh-huh! A wasp's nest? Stingy wasps! Uh-huh.
I've got a wee girl! They'll end up hurting her! Please!
You need to do something! It's not our jurisdiction. We understand...
You need to phone pest control.
Have you not got anybody that could knock them out the tree for you?
My neighbours tried, but they've not managed to do it
and it's just me alone and my wee girl. Got a partner?
No, just us. Just us. Boyfriend? Husband? No-one. Just the two of us.
It's not really... Father of the kid, nothing like that? No.
Nothing, just me. Jack, it's not relevant.
We'll just... I can call pest control and... Do you know what?
Look, see the price of these things?
You get the pest control out. Lassie's on her own.
It's not really our... I'll do it.
You'll do it? Aye, I'll knock it out the tree.
No bother. Thank you so much! Thank you so much.
We're here to help. Oh! We're the friendly side of policing.
Thank you. We get a bad rap, but we're not all bad, you know?
Oh, you're a life saver, thank you so much. I know. I know.
It's no problem, em, so...
Not that I will need it, but better to be safe than sorry.
Have you got, I don't know, a pair of gloves?
Need a chair.
The only man that can make a net look good.
(Ow.) LOUD BUZZING
Have you been stung? No.
Itchy. It's the heat.
Here we go.
Say hello to my little friend, the brush.
BUZZING GETS LOUDER Ah! They're not happy about that.
Is he OK?
That has definitely annoyed them! Right! Right!
Agh! Hey! Hey!
Save yourselves! Get in the house! Get in the... Ow! Ow!
Where's the...? Ow! Get... I'm sorry! Ow!
Obviously, it should be pest control, but then,
we're winning hearts and minds in the community, you know?
Friendly policing. And, er, that's what I did.
Um...were you winning hearts and minds
when you ran screaming down the street?
Ow! Ow! 'Well, I took the danger away from yourself and the girl.'
Plus side, I have now probably built up an immunity to wasps,
which a lot of folk, you know, you do it with snake venom and
that's what I've done, so, my body can probably take more wasp stings
than, well, at this moment in time, anybody, I would say.
Pow-pow! Pow-pow! Pow-pow!
Pow! All right, Officer Karen?
How we doing, Bobby? Pow-pow! Fighting crime.
Who...who are you being?
Look! Does that not give it away? Pow-pow! The webs? Right!
Swinging off walls.
It's...it's...kind of... You look like a bear.
I look like a bear?! Yeah. What are you talking about?!
I was at the carnival and I asked for Spider-Man.
Have you got a mirror or something I can check?
There's a mirror in the... Right. ..in the toilets, Bobby. Right, OK.
Two seconds, right, Officer Karen? Okey dokey.
That's not Spider-Man!
Spider-Man's not got a tongue hanging out like that!
Nae wonder everybody was laughing at me!
Do you know, Bobby? They probably weren't laughing.
They'll just have been smiling, cos it's a nice...it's a nice look.
It's a jolly teddy bear, kind of, a look.
I look sad.
But you only look sad cos you're not smiling.
Give yourself a wee smile in the mirror.
See? That's a happy bear, isn't it?
You have to think about it this way, Bobby.
Some people are superheroes and some people are teddy bears.
And that's OK. Well, I'll keep this on for a few days
and I'll see how it goes down, but...
Spider-Man's still number one for me. Yeah.
I think you'll go out and bring some happiness to people
and that's not a bad thing. Yeah, OK.
Right! See you later, Bobby. See you later, Officer Karen.
Have a good day. You sure I look all right?
I think you look like a hero. You're not just saying that?
I would never just say that, Bobby. Right, OK. Cheers, Officer Karen.
See you later, right? Bye-bye! See you later.
Deterrence is 50% of police work.
Um, if there's a police presence there, then the crime drops,
it's as simple as that. So we're working on an idea that maybe,
you know, your actual policeman, that it's just the sight,
the feeling, the thought that there's a policeman there.
So, we're looking at maybe hiring actors to pretend to be policemen.
But the danger there is, we still have to put them
through drama school, so it's the balance.
Is it less expensive to get your boys through drama school
to pretend to be policemen or to actually create real policemen?
While the boys are number crunching on that one...
..we're trying this bad boy,
to see if this is a deterrent.
We're ordering 12,000.
And if we put one of those in every crime hotspot in Scotland,
on a dark night, you'll go, "Oh!" You're going to think twice.
If it does work, 12,000 of these all over Scotland,
then we can close down the...the acting school plan.
So, let's hope it does work, cos it's a lot cheaper.
If it doesn't work, we've got 12,000 and, if anyone would like one,
then I'm sure just write in and we'll...we can sort it out for you.
More funny and fantastical tales from the fictional Scottish Police Force. Officers deal with an endless Christmas, a drug dealer's endless excuses and the endless nonsense of local nuisance Bobby Muir. Spoof documentary starring Karen Bartke, Darren Connell and Jack Docherty with Joyce Falconer.