Episode 3 Scot Squad


Episode 3

Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. The officers deal with an endless Christmas, a drug dealer's excuses and Bobby Muir's nonsense.


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Transcript


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Coming up... Fists are flying at a bus stop bust-up...

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..drug dealers with devil dogs...

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..and a creepy Christmas case to crack.

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But it's all in a day's work for the men and women

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of the Scottish Police Force. That's me!

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This is...Scot Squad!

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Scotland, one country, policed by one force.

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And that one force is policed by one man. The number one man. This man.

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My job is dependent on a certain percentage of people being stupid.

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Chief Commissioner, Cameron Miekelson.

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Well, I'm two years now, into my reign.

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"Reign" is quite a grand word,

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but I can't think of a more appropriate one, really, um...

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So, I've got a long reign ahead of me, but I'm not a complete ingenue.

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I'm Queen, the band Queen,

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before anyone knew that Freddie was gay.

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They just thought it was flamboyant. So, I've had a couple of hits,

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but it's way before Live Aid.

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I'm U2, when The Edge had hair and Bono wasn't quite so insufferable!

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I'm Status Quo...

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..at any time.

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In short, I firmly believe I still have my best years ahead of me,

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but that's not to say that the last two years haven't been exceptional.

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They have.

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When faced with the Scottish public, nothing fazes Desk Sergeant,

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Karen Ann Millar. She can deal with the lot - and then some.

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You know, as a police officer, having previously

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been on the beat, it is a different, kind of, a beast,

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to be in the police station.

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Every time that door opens, there is a tiny clench in your buttocks,

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cos you don't know what's going to come through that door.

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All right, Officer Karen? How you doing?

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I'm just out on Wee Betty's bike.

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I'm just taking it out for a wee service today.

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Is it all right if I go and use the toilet?

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Two secs, right, Officer Karen? Is it all right to park this in here?

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TOILET FLUSHING

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See you later, right, Officer Karen.

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Two secs, right?

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Bye!

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Out in the sticks, in the sticky heat of summer,

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McIntosh and Mackay seek answers from a countryside crackpot,

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whose calendar has gone missing.

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We'd had several complaints over the course of a few weeks

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about a gentleman's house,

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which was covered in Christmas decorations.

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'You know, normally, that's quite a joyful thing, lovely thing to see,

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'but it's not Christmas.'

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC

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Ho-ho-ho.

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Merry Christmas! Eh...hello.

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Can I get you a mulled wine or anything?

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Not while I'm on duty.

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OK, we've had a lot of calls and complaints about the decorations,

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mostly in the garden - the music, the snowmen, the Santa sleighs,

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you know? It's upsetting a lot of people.

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I thought I brought happiness to people round here.

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You always get comments, you know? Absolutely. Every time I go to

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the shop, you hear people speaking about me. I don't doubt that.

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People just don't want that all year round.

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I think people are curious why you're doing this?

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Well, I've just always loved Christmas.

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I sold my Sellotape factory and I didn't want to go into business

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again. I had a lump sum, so I didn't want to get married again,

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so I thought, "Well, when am I happiest?"

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I thought, "I'm happiest the night before Christmas."

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Going to bed, you're all excited. Oh, yes!

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And I thought, "Well, why not do that EVERY day?" Yes!

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Well, I mean, who doesn't love Christmas?

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Have you got a favourite Christmas song? I...

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Well, I mean, take your pick off the Enya Christmas Secrets EP.

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That's an absolute belter.

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That is an absolute... Can I shake your hand on that?

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You can! That's an absolute beauty. Good call. Oh, great!

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What about yourself? I'm a Pogues fan.

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Sort of mainstream, there. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

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So, everything about Christmas, do you...? Oh, I just love it all.

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In fact, I was just away to have my Christmas dinner

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before you got here. You're welcome to join me.

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There's a whole turkey through there. No.

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Thank you, though. Yeah, yeah. Really full. We've just eaten.

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Mince pie? No. Sorry, no, just had... Well, what about a cracker?

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You'll pull a cracker, eh? Come on. Come on, pull a cracker!

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It's not really professional. Come on! Go on, Charlie.

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Go on! It can't hurt.

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You could win! OK!

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Oh, you did.

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So, do you even take the shots of goose fat and wear the stockings

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for your dinner the night before and all the traditions?

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No, I don't do that.

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I think that's maybe a personal family tradition.

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From a ho-ho-ho, to a nee-naw, nee-naw.

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The Scot Squad aren't driving home for Christmas.

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Clunk-click, here we go.

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But traffic officers, Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy, are driving home

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the message that, if you're naughty, they won't be nice.

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It's fine boys! Traffic's got it!

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On the road, it's not always drivers that we encounter and that we have

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'to take care of. We had an incident that took place on a bus.'

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It's that one there.

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'We were told that there was a person on the bus'

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'who was being loud, shall we say?'

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The problem is, we have paid for our fare,

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we have paid for our seat and this bus has broken down.

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'This customer didn't want to get off the bus,

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'they wanted to wait on the bus until another bus arrived'

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and the driver wasn't having it. "Health and safety."

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When I bought a ticket with that driver,

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I made a contract with the bus company.

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Right now, you're causing a bit of a scene.

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You're getting a bit too excited. A bit of a scene?

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Aye, you're being abusive to the bus driver.

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Me and the bus driver are fine!

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Look, you're causing... Your conduct aboard this bus... Don't mimic me.

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Don't mimic me. I'm not... Don't mimic me.

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I'm not here to be... Look... This is a breach of my civil liberties.

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You're causing a breach of the peace aboard this bus.

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Breach of the peace. Away and raffle yourself.

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What I want you to do is... It's exactly what happened to Rosa Parks.

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This is a bit of people solidarity! This is a bit of people power

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against this bus company that we're sick to the back teeth already,

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without it breaking down. And we are waiting here

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till another bus comes or the tow truck company comes and takes me

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hame with my big shop!

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Over at the Christmas house, while the decorations outside

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are frightful, inside, the man's compliance is delightful.

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Well, listen, we do have to do something

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about the decorations outside. If we could take in, even, a few of them.

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I don't want to cause any trouble, you know,

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so I'll bring some in.

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I just need to check upstairs, really, run it past...

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See if it's OK with him?

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'What happened next was like something out of'

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a Twilight Zone: Stars In Their Eyes.

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Ho-ho-ho!!

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Eh?!

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Happy Christmas, boys and girls! Eh?!

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It's me - Santa! How are you, boys and girls?!

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Have you been a good wee girl this year?! Aye?!

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Have you?! Yeah.

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Yeah?! Right, shall we go and get in...

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Get all the decorations in, eh?! Shall we?!

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Y-Yes.

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Come on, then, boys and girls!

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Come on! Ho-ho-ho! Come on!

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Oh, wait a minute, now! Look what you're standing under -

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the mistletoe!

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Gi'e the lassie a wee kiss, then.

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No... I really don't... Gi'e her a kiss! Come on, it's Christmas!

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Get into the spirit! Gi'e her a kiss!

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Kiss her! Kiss her!

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Go on!

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Yeah!

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Ho-ho-ho-ho!

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Strangely, although he seemed to change

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'character, he was compliant with

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'the request to take in the decorations.'

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That is actually one of the most terrifying things that

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I've ever seen in my whole life. Bye! OK, bye. Bye, Creepy Claus.

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Back on the bus, tensions are rising

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quicker than the cost of an all-day ticket.

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It's simple as this - if you don't get aff the bus, we'll arrest you.

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Oh, aye. Aff.

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Watch your head. Get off me!

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See when my man hears about this, he will rip you

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fae arsehole to breakfast! Right, that's OK. My messages!

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It's OK. My bloody messages!

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You'll get it. You'll be getting it and all!

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Leave him alone. Get aff me! You're disgusting.

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Do you want to feel my southpaw? Huh?

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Oh!

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'I do not expect to come to work and be assaulted.'

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We are police officers, so we do expect it. We are police officers,

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'yes, but we don't expect it when we're going on a bus and dealing

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'with a woman with her messages.' Get aff me! Help!

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This is a breach of... Get your BLEEP...

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This is a breach of my civil liberties!

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Get off me! This is an assault!

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Ah! Argh!

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Get aff me! Get aff me! You get off me! Get aff me!

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You get aff me! You just touched my tit.

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I'm doing you for a sexual assault and all! Ah, your arse!

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There's nae way I would have sexually assaulted her.

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I wouldn't sexual assault anybody.

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Help!

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Aye, you're shiteing it now. Get back! Hey! Shut it.

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Calm down. She's off her head. She struck me. Come here, come here.

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Rolling about the ground with a woman. I know.

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Not the first time you've done that. Come here. Look at me. Look at me.

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What am I meant to do? Look at me. Ah, I'm fine. My eyes. Look at me.

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I didn't expect it, did I? Look at me.

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Didn't expect that, did I?

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Right, you calm? I'm all right. Calm? I'm fine. Good.

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Never mind her messages, hopefully, this menace

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finally got the message - nobody messes with

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the Scot Squad.

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The war on drugs is a serious business.

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It's a constantly-changing landscape.

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The dealers change the names of the drugs all the time.

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"We're calling it Charlie."

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Fine, we can all get that. Then it's Whizz, then Bang,

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then it's Ching. They're calling it Smack. A week later, it's Horse.

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They're doing this, so that, if we've got the wiretap on,

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they think we don't know what they're talking about, you know?

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They're talking about Horse, for all you know, it's a perfectly

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legitimate equine discussion.

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Someone says, "Bring me an ounce of Horse",

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at that point, your radar, your antennae, go up,

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cos you think, "Hang on. An ounce of horse?

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"That's a pretty small horse."

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But there's a middle ground. Two or three kilos.

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"Can I get two or three kilos of Horse?"

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Now, you'd think that's a lot of drugs or is it a very small horse?

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I mean, that could be a baby Shetland pony, you know?

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So, you've got to have your wits about you.

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The mega-war on drugs is a battle

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the Scottish Police Force

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are winning on the streets.

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PCs Sarah Fletcher and Jack McLaren are the crack squad

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cracking down on the crack dealers.

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You just...

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Oi, oi. Look. That's Liam Riddle, isn't it?

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'A gentleman named Mr Riddle,'

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who's well-known to us, well-known to all the police.

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He's a drug dealer, basically.

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So, you want to search me? I want to - and I will. OK?

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Fill your boots, man. Sure. Soak it in. Get in, Jack.

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Get a good feel.

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Right.

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Empty.

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Empty.

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Ah, he's clean. He can't be.

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Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, mate.

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What's on your dug? It's a...fashion accessory, mate.

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What's your dog's name?

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"Loophole".

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Loopy. You can call it Loopy. It's a bit loopy, know what I'm

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talking about? Loopy, we're going to search you.

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You're going to search my dog? Yes. I think you'll find that the stop

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and search laws don't apply to canines.

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It's its own person,

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out there in the ether, living life and all that.

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It's got its own heartbeat, its own soul, everything. Can you?

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(I don't know. Radio in and ask.)

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You don't want to break the law, do you? Just...

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Can we search a dog? Scooby-Doo, sit.

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We weren't sure if you could search an animal...

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..but it turns out, you can and...

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Then, you would think, if you can't, then everybody

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would just put drugs on dogs. Yeah.

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Or animals, or birds, or I don't know, you know?

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You wouldn't get much on a bird.

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Probably less.

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A small packet of drugs. Depends the size of the bird.

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An emu. You don't see many around here.

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I know, but then, all the drug dealers would get them... Possibly.

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..cos you're not allowed to search them. They'd all have emus.

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A drugs emu.

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So, right, I'm going to search you now. You sure about that?

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It's Loopy. You know what I'm talking about?!

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It's a mental dog! I thought you were good with dogs, Jack?

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It knows an arsehole when it smells one. I thought you liked dogs?

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I love dogs. And that's the problem. It knows I'm friendly.

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Go again. Are you scared? No!

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'I think, what the dog'

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realised very quickly, as I did, is we're both, kind of,

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trained in attacking

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and it would have been a stand-off.

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DOG BARKS Go on, you search it. I don't...

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After a rough start... You searched me, I've not got anything!

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Look... Oh! Oh! See? Good! Good, Loophole. I told you!

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..PC Fletcher calms the savage beast.

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It likes me, actually. Very soft.

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So, what have we got?

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Oh!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Knew it. Oh, Jack!

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That's, er... See what I did? I gave you the find. What, Tic Tacs?

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That's exactly what it is - Tic Tacs for all the local weans.

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'Using his dog as... as a drug mule, but...'

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we're not donkeys. Mm-hm.

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Used up one of his nine lives there, didn't he? That's cats.

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Anyway, he's going to the jail.

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The dog was later released without charge,

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but the dirty dog dealer is now doing bird.

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Legal highs.

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The laughing gas, you know, the helium gas?

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I've... Some of the boys have stopped a car full of balloons!

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Of course, it's a kid's party!

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They wouldn't have known that, you know, it just looks like

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a bunch of radges going down and... HIGH-PITCHED GIBBERING

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So, you've got to be careful. And legal highs, the names -

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Snapdragon. Andre's Pillow. Mr Peterson's Pants.

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Spook Sauce. Pinky and Perky.

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Or commonly known on the street as Sponge.

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Legal today, but we're working on it and they'll soon be illegal,

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so don't... If you're a sponge-head, don't go relaxing. We're on you.

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There's no substitute to an officer on the beat.

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Unless that substitute is a VOLUNTEER officer on the beat.

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And Volunteer Office Ken Beattie KENS his beat better than anyone.

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Make sure there's no dead bodies.

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HE PANTS AND COUGHS

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Counter-terrorism, violence, drug warfare, prostitution -

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Ken Beattie deals with it all.

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'Today, I helped an old woman home with her shopping.'

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Hello, there, how you doing? Oh... Are you OK? No. I'm fair knackered.

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Let's... Put that down a minute

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and just take a wee breather, shall we? Oh, that's good.

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She was rather confused and very, very old.

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You know, she was that bent-over way.

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My sister's coming to stay and I wanted to... Oh, lovely.

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..up and get things in for her.

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Listen to me. I'll give you a hand with this

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up the road, OK? Would you? Yes, of course I will.

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Let's just get this up the road and we could have a nice wee cup of tea!

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How's that sound? Oh, that's great! Aye, do you like tea? Yes! Yeah?

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All old people like tea, don't they? It's just a thing.

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They reach a certain age and they just can't get enough of tea.

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I just like your ordinary tea. Aye. They call it, um, what is it?

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English Breakfast - isn't that a funny name for it? Aye.

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What I like is a wee...a Rich Tea.

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And I like they wee biscuits in the... What are they called?

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With the...thingmy paper,

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and they've got the marshmallow and the chocolate?

0:17:110:17:13

Are you all right, son? I'm fine.

0:17:130:17:15

Don't be daft. Are you sure? Yes, yes. All right.

0:17:150:17:17

This is really good of you.

0:17:170:17:18

Oh, deary me, aye! It's... Mm-hm? It's quite heavy.

0:17:200:17:24

Are you sure you're all right? Oh, of course. No, no, I'm fine.

0:17:240:17:27

Just taking a wee breather then I'll...

0:17:270:17:29

Oh, here, there's the sun coming out and you'll be getting melted. God!

0:17:290:17:34

Now, was it for, em...?

0:17:340:17:36

Oh! I'm OK. Oh, here, we...

0:17:360:17:39

Right. Oh, dear. Here we go.

0:17:390:17:40

Is it quite lonely, then? This is the hard bit, isn't it?

0:17:400:17:43

Oh, my God. Going up a hill.

0:17:430:17:45

Right enough... That's a big hill.

0:17:450:17:47

Ken Beattie answered this woman's call.

0:17:470:17:49

Answering EVERYONE'S call is

0:17:510:17:54

Scottish Police Force Call Centre Operator, Maggie LeBeau.

0:17:540:17:58

Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?

0:17:580:18:01

Your neighbour is keeping a horse in their living room?

0:18:010:18:04

Could you let me know your location?

0:18:040:18:07

Oh, I stay in Townhead.

0:18:070:18:09

This is where I like to stick up motivational posters.

0:18:090:18:11

And a motivational poster is,

0:18:110:18:13

basically, a poster that motivates you.

0:18:130:18:15

I'm a big fan, I love them,

0:18:150:18:17

and I think that they do kind of inspire the troops around here.

0:18:170:18:20

Er, this one here is... I love this.

0:18:200:18:23

"If you don't reach for the moon, you can't fall on the stars."

0:18:230:18:26

And, I mean, I really like it,

0:18:260:18:28

and I think, er, Lynne over there actually quite likes this guy here.

0:18:280:18:33

"Get on your bike,

0:18:330:18:34

"and feel the benefits."

0:18:340:18:35

And that's the tax benefits,

0:18:350:18:37

because we have a cycle to work scheme.

0:18:370:18:39

This one, very simple, but very profound.

0:18:390:18:43

"Make things happen!"

0:18:430:18:45

Kenny told me the other day, actually, it's Gandhi.

0:18:450:18:47

Gandhi said that. Er, the classic - "Carpe Diem" - seize the day.

0:18:470:18:52

Kenny has, kind of, ruined this one for me,

0:18:520:18:54

because he's pointed out that the word "knob" is also on the poster.

0:18:540:18:58

That doesn't inspire me.

0:18:580:18:59

This one, however, is the most inspiring one of all.

0:18:590:19:03

"Scottish Police Force."

0:19:030:19:05

It just reminds us of why we're here, of what we're doing,

0:19:050:19:09

that we are the Scottish Police Force.

0:19:090:19:12

And, like Gandhi said, we... "make things happen".

0:19:120:19:16

When making things happen,

0:19:160:19:19

there are no lengths to which the Scot Squad won't go,

0:19:190:19:23

even if that's five miles in the hot sun, carrying heavy shopping bags.

0:19:230:19:28

I feel a wee bit, sort of, shaky myself. Oh. Oh, deary me!

0:19:280:19:33

Right... Can we have a wee rest? I think that would be...

0:19:330:19:35

Oh, goodness sakes!

0:19:350:19:37

And the sun's come out, it's awfy hot. Ooh!

0:19:370:19:40

Oh... I'm fair wanting that free cup of tea, I can tell you that.

0:19:400:19:46

How, er... How far is it?

0:19:460:19:49

How far is it, what? To your house. To MY house?

0:19:490:19:53

Yeah.

0:19:530:19:55

I'm taking your shopping back... No, no, no, no!

0:19:550:19:58

You're taking me to YOUR house for tea.

0:19:580:20:00

You said, "Come for a wee cup of tea," you said!

0:20:000:20:03

Do you mean I've...I've walked all this way and I'm not...?

0:20:030:20:08

I've got to go all the way back?

0:20:080:20:11

'Turned out she thought we were going back to my house,'

0:20:110:20:14

and I thought we're going to her house. Ha!

0:20:140:20:17

You know, if it hadn't been for immense pain in my feet and arms,

0:20:170:20:20

I would've found it funny.

0:20:200:20:21

I don't know what to do. You're going to just have to get a taxi.

0:20:210:20:27

I can... I cannae afford a taxi! No!

0:20:270:20:31

Oh, oh! I'll try and... sort a taxi. What?

0:20:310:20:37

I'll try and sort a taxi. You'll sort it?

0:20:370:20:40

Well, as I say, I cannae pay for it. No, no, no. I'll see what I've got.

0:20:400:20:45

Right. In we go. All right. Here we go, right.

0:20:450:20:48

Ooh, here we go. Watch your head. I need this seat, I can tell you.

0:20:480:20:52

Where is it you're going? Er, James Street. James Street.

0:20:520:20:56

Ooh! Oh, it's an awful lot. Right.

0:20:570:20:59

This ended up all right. Aye, for you. Right enough, uh-huh.

0:20:590:21:03

There we go, Mary. Thank you.

0:21:030:21:06

All right?

0:21:060:21:08

Cheerie-bye! Bye-bye.

0:21:080:21:09

Hey, driver, er... I've actually only got ?25 on me.

0:21:090:21:13

How much will it be to James Street? 25 quid will cover it.

0:21:130:21:16

25 exactly?

0:21:170:21:19

Yeah.

0:21:190:21:20

Cheerie-bye! Bye-bye, Mary. Bye! Take care.

0:21:240:21:27

I'm ?25 out of pocket, I've got corns, bunions,

0:21:280:21:31

and all manners of things on my feet,

0:21:310:21:33

and my arms are, quite frankly, dead to me.

0:21:330:21:35

So, was it worth it?

0:21:350:21:37

I got an old woman home safely with her shopping, so, yes, it was.

0:21:370:21:41

Yes, I've had a pay increase. Yes, I...

0:21:420:21:45

Listen, I didn't want to take it.

0:21:450:21:47

I mean... But it's set by an independent committee,

0:21:470:21:49

I'm powerless to withstand their authority. You know?

0:21:490:21:54

I-I... Listen, between you and me, I would do this job for nothing,

0:21:540:21:58

but if the committee insists that my love for this job,

0:21:580:22:02

that I would do for nothing,

0:22:020:22:04

has to be transferred into enumerative pound sterling value,

0:22:040:22:07

then that is up to them and I have to just accept that.

0:22:070:22:12

I also considered giving the increase away, giving it back,

0:22:120:22:17

but then, you've got your whole Inland Revenue problems.

0:22:170:22:20

They think you've earned this much, you've actually earned that much.

0:22:200:22:24

You try to pay tax on that much. They go, "No, but it's this much."

0:22:240:22:27

There's investigations, inquiries, people on your case!

0:22:270:22:30

It costs them more to investigate what's actually gone on

0:22:300:22:35

than I've paid back.

0:22:350:22:36

So, the simplest thing is just to take the money and...

0:22:360:22:41

take the money.

0:22:410:22:43

Not run, I wasn't going to say run.

0:22:430:22:44

No-one's taking the money and running!

0:22:440:22:46

We're just taking the money, the legitimate money that I'm owed,

0:22:460:22:50

for my job.

0:22:500:22:51

From Payday to Mayday -

0:22:510:22:54

PCs McLaren and Fletcher respond to an SOS from a woman in distress.

0:22:540:23:02

Oh, my God. Hurry! Hurry! In! Get in! In, in, in!

0:23:020:23:05

What's exactly the problem? The disturbance? It's OK. It's OK.

0:23:070:23:10

We're safe in here. It's fine. They're outside.

0:23:100:23:12

Who? Who's outside? The wasps.

0:23:120:23:14

Is that a gang? In the tree! The tree of the wasps. The wasp's nest.

0:23:140:23:19

An actual...? Real wasps? Uh-huh! A wasp's nest? Stingy wasps! Uh-huh.

0:23:190:23:22

I've got a wee girl! They'll end up hurting her! Please!

0:23:220:23:24

You need to do something! It's not our jurisdiction. We understand...

0:23:240:23:28

You need to phone pest control.

0:23:280:23:29

Have you not got anybody that could knock them out the tree for you?

0:23:290:23:33

My neighbours tried, but they've not managed to do it

0:23:330:23:35

and it's just me alone and my wee girl. Got a partner?

0:23:350:23:37

No, just us. Just us. Boyfriend? Husband? No-one. Just the two of us.

0:23:370:23:40

It's not really... Father of the kid, nothing like that? No.

0:23:400:23:43

Nothing, just me. Jack, it's not relevant.

0:23:430:23:45

We'll just... I can call pest control and... Do you know what?

0:23:450:23:47

Look, see the price of these things?

0:23:470:23:49

You get the pest control out. Lassie's on her own.

0:23:490:23:51

It's not really our... I'll do it.

0:23:510:23:53

You'll do it? Aye, I'll knock it out the tree.

0:23:530:23:55

No bother. Thank you so much! Thank you so much.

0:23:550:23:57

We're here to help. Oh! We're the friendly side of policing.

0:23:570:24:00

Thank you. We get a bad rap, but we're not all bad, you know?

0:24:000:24:02

Oh, you're a life saver, thank you so much. I know. I know.

0:24:020:24:05

It's no problem, em, so...

0:24:050:24:07

Not that I will need it, but better to be safe than sorry.

0:24:070:24:10

Have you got, I don't know, a pair of gloves?

0:24:100:24:12

BUZZING

0:24:120:24:14

Need a chair.

0:24:170:24:18

The only man that can make a net look good.

0:24:210:24:24

Right...

0:24:240:24:25

(Ow.) LOUD BUZZING

0:24:320:24:33

Have you been stung? No.

0:24:330:24:35

Itchy. It's the heat.

0:24:350:24:37

Here we go.

0:24:370:24:38

Say hello to my little friend, the brush.

0:24:380:24:44

BUZZING GETS LOUDER Ah! They're not happy about that.

0:24:440:24:48

BUZZING CONTINUES

0:24:480:24:50

Ow!

0:24:510:24:53

Is he OK?

0:24:530:24:54

That has definitely annoyed them! Right! Right!

0:24:560:24:59

Agh! Hey! Hey!

0:24:590:25:00

Save yourselves! Get in the house! Get in the... Ow! Ow!

0:25:000:25:03

Where's the...? Ow! Get... I'm sorry! Ow!

0:25:050:25:08

Obviously, it should be pest control, but then,

0:25:080:25:10

we're winning hearts and minds in the community, you know?

0:25:100:25:13

Friendly policing. And, er, that's what I did.

0:25:130:25:15

Um...were you winning hearts and minds

0:25:160:25:19

when you ran screaming down the street?

0:25:190:25:21

Ow! Ow! 'Well, I took the danger away from yourself and the girl.'

0:25:210:25:26

Plus side, I have now probably built up an immunity to wasps,

0:25:260:25:30

which a lot of folk, you know, you do it with snake venom and

0:25:300:25:32

that's what I've done, so, my body can probably take more wasp stings

0:25:320:25:36

than, well, at this moment in time, anybody, I would say.

0:25:360:25:39

Pow-pow!

0:25:390:25:41

Pow-pow! Pow-pow! Pow-pow!

0:25:410:25:43

Pow! All right, Officer Karen?

0:25:430:25:45

How we doing, Bobby? Pow-pow! Fighting crime.

0:25:450:25:48

Who...who are you being?

0:25:480:25:50

Spider-Man!

0:25:500:25:52

Look! Does that not give it away? Pow-pow! The webs? Right!

0:25:520:25:56

Swinging off walls.

0:25:560:25:59

It's...it's...kind of... You look like a bear.

0:25:590:26:01

I look like a bear?! Yeah. What are you talking about?!

0:26:010:26:04

I was at the carnival and I asked for Spider-Man.

0:26:040:26:06

Have you got a mirror or something I can check?

0:26:060:26:08

There's a mirror in the... Right. ..in the toilets, Bobby. Right, OK.

0:26:080:26:11

Two seconds, right, Officer Karen? Okey dokey.

0:26:110:26:14

OH, NO!

0:26:140:26:15

That's not Spider-Man!

0:26:170:26:19

Spider-Man's not got a tongue hanging out like that!

0:26:190:26:23

Nae wonder everybody was laughing at me!

0:26:230:26:25

Do you know, Bobby? They probably weren't laughing.

0:26:250:26:27

They'll just have been smiling, cos it's a nice...it's a nice look.

0:26:270:26:30

It's a jolly teddy bear, kind of, a look.

0:26:300:26:33

I look sad.

0:26:330:26:35

But you only look sad cos you're not smiling.

0:26:350:26:38

Give yourself a wee smile in the mirror.

0:26:380:26:40

See? That's a happy bear, isn't it?

0:26:400:26:43

You have to think about it this way, Bobby.

0:26:430:26:45

Some people are superheroes and some people are teddy bears.

0:26:450:26:50

And that's OK. Well, I'll keep this on for a few days

0:26:500:26:53

and I'll see how it goes down, but...

0:26:530:26:55

Spider-Man's still number one for me. Yeah.

0:26:550:26:58

I think you'll go out and bring some happiness to people

0:26:580:27:00

and that's not a bad thing. Yeah, OK.

0:27:000:27:02

Right! See you later, Bobby. See you later, Officer Karen.

0:27:020:27:05

Have a good day. You sure I look all right?

0:27:050:27:07

I think you look like a hero. You're not just saying that?

0:27:070:27:09

I would never just say that, Bobby. Right, OK. Cheers, Officer Karen.

0:27:090:27:13

See you later, right? Bye-bye! See you later.

0:27:130:27:15

Deterrence is 50% of police work.

0:27:150:27:18

Um, if there's a police presence there, then the crime drops,

0:27:180:27:21

it's as simple as that. So we're working on an idea that maybe,

0:27:210:27:23

you know, your actual policeman, that it's just the sight,

0:27:230:27:26

the feeling, the thought that there's a policeman there.

0:27:260:27:28

So, we're looking at maybe hiring actors to pretend to be policemen.

0:27:280:27:34

But the danger there is, we still have to put them

0:27:340:27:37

through drama school, so it's the balance.

0:27:370:27:39

Is it less expensive to get your boys through drama school

0:27:390:27:44

to pretend to be policemen or to actually create real policemen?

0:27:440:27:48

While the boys are number crunching on that one...

0:27:480:27:51

..we're trying this bad boy,

0:27:520:27:54

to see if this is a deterrent.

0:27:540:27:56

We're ordering 12,000.

0:27:570:27:59

And if we put one of those in every crime hotspot in Scotland,

0:27:590:28:03

on a dark night, you'll go, "Oh!" You're going to think twice.

0:28:030:28:07

If it does work, 12,000 of these all over Scotland,

0:28:070:28:10

then we can close down the...the acting school plan.

0:28:100:28:14

So, let's hope it does work, cos it's a lot cheaper.

0:28:140:28:16

If it doesn't work, we've got 12,000 and, if anyone would like one,

0:28:160:28:19

then I'm sure just write in and we'll...we can sort it out for you.

0:28:190:28:23

More funny and fantastical tales from the fictional Scottish Police Force. Officers deal with an endless Christmas, a drug dealer's endless excuses and the endless nonsense of local nuisance Bobby Muir. Spoof documentary starring Karen Bartke, Darren Connell and Jack Docherty with Joyce Falconer.


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