Episode 4 Scot Squad


Episode 4

Spoof comedy. Chief commissioner Miekelson's plan for working at home do not go to plan. Officers McLaren and Fletcher break up a fight at a supermarket checkout.


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Transcript


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Coming up, ladies of the night become ladies in a fight...

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You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.

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..violence explodes at the express checkout...

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You want some of this, you clown? You want some?

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..and a maritime mystery on a deserted island...

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Wey-hey! I'm on a boat! Come on!

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You cannae arrest me.

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..all nothing new to the men and women of the Scottish Police Force.

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What are you doing?!

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This is Scot Squad.

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For a modern organisation like the Scottish Police Force,

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nothing is more important than public relations.

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And when it comes to relations,

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Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson is the daddy.

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Today, first up in the diary, I've got a meeting, my quarterly meeting,

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with the PR boys in charge of all the branding for the police force.

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I know what you're thinking.

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Instantly. Why is public money being spent on paying someone

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to come up with all the branding strategies

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for the police, when the chief could probably do it himself, you know?

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I mean, I could do it myself

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but I don't really have the time, so we pay an expert.

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And that allows me to concentrate on what I like to call real policing.

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So, what have you got for me, Willie? Shoot.

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We're putting in a big order of T-shirts for the front-desk staff.

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-OK.

-Just going to be choosing colours, designs and logos.

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That's not something

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-you need to worry...

-What colours are you thinking about?

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I would say, probably, black was a strong choice,

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-black is what we often go with.

-Yeah, yeah. What about blue?

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Because I'm thinking... I mean, blue or black, what do you think?

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Sure. I think black. I think black would be...

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I'm thinking blue is maybe more... What do you think?

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-I... I mean, I...

-Because I think we've got enough black. I really do.

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I'm happy to make that work.

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So, we'll figure out the exact shade,

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-get you some blue T-shirts. Perfect.

-Excellent.

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-Good.

-So, moving on, we've got...

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I mean, we could decide the colours now.

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-No, I don't think that's necessary...

-Well, I've got...

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-What about...

-Sure. Well, we can just...

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Well...

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Navy blue - that's just saying, "Well, we're not interested.

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"We've got nothing new to say about anything."

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Skimpy blue - don't know why it's called that. Blue-y blue.

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Blue-y blue. Are you interested in that?

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What I would say is, we can take this off your plate.

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So, you're saying that you can make the decision?

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Obviously, you would be best placed to make the decision,

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but I know you're a very busy man.

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Because if you're going to make the decision, what am I doing here?

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No, absolutely. Absolutely. Because you're the man.

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-So, you're happy with blue-y blue?

-Blue-y blue is... Yeah, perfect.

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-Blue-y blue it is.

-OK, what else you got?

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This PR masterclass would be of great interest

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to traffic officers Singh and McKirdy.

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The public perception of police is very important.

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How the public see us, how the community see us carry out our jobs

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is very important.

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Just recently, we were snapped outside the local kebab shop.

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It's a brilliant kebab shop, don't get me wrong,

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it's a great place to go.

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They do a great kebab, chips and cheese.

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Put plenty of salt and vinegar on the chips, which I love.

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But here we are.

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We've been caught parked on a double yellow line while we were inside.

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Yes, it WAS wrong.

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It has ended up on the front page of the local paper.

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Yes, we did get a stern talking-to. We should have known better.

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-We've learned our lesson, I think.

-Certainly.

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So, we won't be stopping outside any more carry-outs from now on.

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Be quick. Remember to be quick, all right?

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-I'll go...

-Don't stop. Don't stop.

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Don't stop. Don't stop.

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Don't stop!

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Don't stop. Slow...steady...

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There you go, thanks very much. Thank you. >

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Don't stop, don't stop.

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Don't stop...

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Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt. Seatbelt.

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-That's us.

-Seatbelt!

-Got it.

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-Got it?

-Aye.

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-Good work.

-Never again, mate.

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The wheels keep turning for the Scot Squad,

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and for desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar...

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Hello, Scottish Police Force.

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..that means a fast track to the future of the force.

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We're living in a very interesting time now

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and in some ways, people are seeking to maintain their privacy

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and in other ways, they're opening

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their lives up to the wider community.

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It can be tricky sometimes for people to find the balance between

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involvement with your neighbours, and just downright snooping on them.

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I think it's important to remember that just

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because you can see it, doesn't mean you should look at it.

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All right, Officer Karen?

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-Hello, Bobby. What can I do for you?

-How are you doing?

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-Look, I want to make a complaint.

-What's up?

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Like, basically, I've got a next-door neighbour, right?

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And she's one up across the road from us.

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And see, every time I go out for a walk,

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or I go to get some milk or something for Uncle Geoffrey,

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she's always completely naked.

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-Right. Like, in the street?

-No.

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In her flat, but she's not got any curtains or anything,

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but you can see everything.

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I mean, it kind of depends on the circumstances.

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Is she being provocative?

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-Is she...

-What does prod...provocative mean?

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Like, um...like trying to get you to look at her,

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so, maybe being right up at the window or...

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Oh, right, like right up against the windae, giving it all that?

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-Dancing at the windae?

-Aye, that kind of thing.

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-If it was that kind of...

-She's not like that, to be honest.

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-She's just chopping, like, leeks.

-Right.

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In that case, to be honest,

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there's not really anything we can do about that.

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You know, a person's perfectly entitled to be naked

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-within their own home.

-So, you're telling me, Officer Karen,

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it's all right for me to walk about the gaff with no clothes on?

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Like I say, as long as you're not up at the window, flashing,

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or, you know, trying to get people to look in and see you,

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then, yeah, that's fine.

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I'm going to tell Uncle Geoffrey and the two of us,

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we can do that and have a laugh. I won't be up against the window,

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I won't be doing all that at the windae,

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but I'll just be doing, you know, like,

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watching The X Factor or something.

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I'll have to wear socks because there's, like, glass

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and there's sand on the floor and stuff but...

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I'll get into that another time.

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That's another story.

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But I'll go and I'll tell Uncle Geoffrey about it, right,

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-and we'll...

-Right.

-I'll go.

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Don't come round and peek in the windae, Officer Karen.

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-I don't want you to be doing that.

-Don't you worry, I won't.

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-Just phone me first and let me know, all right?

-OK. OK.

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-Right, bye-bye!

-Mind your hand there! Mind your hand... Bye.

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DOOR SLAMS

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Back at the Scottish Police headquarters, Cameron Miekelson

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is looking at ways to expose himself to a wider audience.

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We have focus groups, some ideas...

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Can I stop you there? Are you talking about the Bamnesty?

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-The Bamnesty, yeah...

-Because I saw the material. How did it go down?

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-The Bamnesty...

-You told them it was my idea?

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Yeah. No, no, they were very pleased to be getting ideas

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right from the...

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Did you say the Bamnesty is when bams

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can come in with all their bam paraphernalia,

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hand it over to us,

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without any fear of further consequences or reprisals?

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And you told them how clever "Bamnesty" is,

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-because it's a play on "amnesty"?

-Oh, yeah.

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And I think everyone appreciated that, absolutely.

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It's like... It's catchy, no question.

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Couple of definitions. I mean, I've got...

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-I've got the kind of focus group points here.

-Go on, then.

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So, I mean, these are not my words.

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Snide. Mocking.

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Not compassionate.

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Well, I mean, they're bams.

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I mean, we don't want to be compassionate to bams.

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We want to be compassionate to the people the bams are being bams to.

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How about this? A second focus group?

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That's certainly possible if...

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Or a limited focus group? Me and you.

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-Just me and you?

-Because you like it. You said.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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-Well, in a way, absolutely.

-I like it.

-You like it.

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Well, if you like it, and I like it, that's a landslide, isn't it?

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In my view.

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-I mean...

-So, we focused it. You and me, who's in charge here?

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Is it you and me, or is it the focus group?

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My point is, there's no place for focus groups in the judicial system.

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Juries?

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Here's an idea.

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-Uh-huh?

-We roll out Bamnesty.

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Publish and be damned. We're going with the Bamnesty.

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I want it out in all papers, nationwide.

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Roll it out in the next 48 hours and I'll see you back here.

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Thank you for your time, Mr Saffron. Good day.

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And that's...

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Thank you.

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Supermarkets are some of the most volatile places in Scotland.

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PCs McLaren and Fletcher are trained to defuse explosive situations...

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Stop!

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..and snip the red wire of rage.

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Jog on.

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Today, they drop into a dust-up in the danger zone.

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It doesn't matter. I don't care how many items you've got!

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-I'm going first.

-Hi, guys.

-I'm going first.

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-Guys.

-Excuse me.

-Keep it down a wee bit, thank you.

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-Sorry, sweetheart. All right, Shagger?

-Ho!

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What's been happening here?

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I've come oot the hoose early,

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I've got all my stuff ready, and this idiot here...

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-I just asked to go in front of him.

-Hey, they asked ME.

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-Let's not call names here.

-No, they asked me.

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-Excuse me. Stop shouting.

-What's your name?

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-I'm Claire.

->

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And what's your name?

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Tam Spraggins, and I'd thank you to stand up when you're speaking to me.

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Oh, right. OK.

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So, do you want to fill us in? What's been happening?

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-Right.

-I just asked to go...

-Wait a minute. She asked me.

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-One at a time.

-Yes.

-One at a time.

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I had one item and I just asked, "Can I please go in front?"

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-and he just went...

-I come down here,

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get my scones to put on my granny's grave,

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get my breakfast, my all-day breakfast, get out

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and set myself up for the day.

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And this idiot's standing there with her one...

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-Stop calling her an idiot.

-Her name's Claire.

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-Oh, right. Sorry, Claire.

-How many scones does your gran need?

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Listen, I lay them at her grave, all right?

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It's a wee tradition that I do.

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Ten scones at a grave?

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It's her birthday, she was a big woman.

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-Shagger, you've come up...

-Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Jack McLaren.

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-PC Jack McLaren.

-Sorry.

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Shagger? Yes, I am. Do I look like a shagger? Yes, I am.

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Am I a shagger? Yes, I am. You call me Jack McLaren?

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-Yes, you will. OK?

-OK, PC Mc...

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Claire, sorry, we will sort this out...

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I mean, this lady, she only had one item.

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OK, listen, on you go, then, all right?

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See, that's good, you're being the bigger person.

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What do you mean, being the bigger person? I feel as if...

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-No, I don't...

-I feel as if you're nipping at me here.

-No.

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You're nice, Shagger,

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but, sweetheart, you're getting on my nerves.

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You need to understand, it's not just today.

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-This is it just coming to a head. It's every day, you know?

-What is?

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That's poor lassie has just been the brunt of it but, listen,

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-I'm really sorry that you have to come out for this.

-OK.

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And I apologise and I'd just like to say sorry, hen.

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-Thank you.

-I'm really sorry.

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-Right, I'm sorry about that, Shagger, all right?

-Hey!

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-Catch you later.

-PC McLaren.

-PC McLaren.

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-Shagger, it's a fact, but I'm PC McLaren.

-Sorry.

-OK?

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Sorry about that.

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Thinking this volcano is dormant, the officers walk away...

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Another one! You want to go in front of me and all because...

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..only for it erupt for a second time.

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You want some of this, you clown? You want some?

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Whoa! Move it. Come on. Have his scones.

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-You've made life difficult for yourself.

-Come on, you. Ridiculous.

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Thanks to a crazy five minutes at the self-service,

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this hothead is now doing five months of community service.

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Serving the countryside community are officers Charlie McIntosh

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and Jane Mackay.

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Well, we were called to the scene of what we thought

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was a breaking and entering.

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We arrived to be greeted by a woman

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who seemed quite distressed, actually.

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-Hello?

-Are you my backup, yeah?

-Sorry?

-What?

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I've called for backup.

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We soon discovered that she had made a citizen's arrest.

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-You've made a citizen's arrest...

-Yeah.

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-..of someone that you suspected...

-An arrest, yeah.

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..of breaking and entering?

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Oh, definitely breaking and entering, yeah. Yeah.

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-And your name is Bernie Cooper?

-Bernie Cooper.

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And are you a police officer?

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I'm sort of training to be a police officer at the moment.

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Oh, right. Good, aye. What stage are you at in the training?

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Application.

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Right.

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So, about quarter past nine this morning,

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I saw him climbing over the fence into the garden,

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and he looked dodgy,

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like, I knew he was coming to, you know, maybe steal something.

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So, he climbed over and I managed to run out

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and get him from behind.

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I smacked him a few times because he wasn't really listening to me.

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-Right. OK.

-So, you've effectively assaulted him slightly as well?

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I wouldn't say assaulted.

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So, how long has he been here in the shed?

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Four hours.

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Four...four hours?!

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Why haven't you called us sooner?

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I just thought it'd do him good to be locked up

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and sort of think about what he's done.

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-It's not really your decision to make.

-Yeah, but...

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You should have called us immediately,

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as soon as you suspected something.

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Can I write these notes down?

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Because this is good training for me, actually.

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Do you mind if I write down what you just said?

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Well, generally, we take the notes.

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-Yeah, but just so I can... for my next test.

-OK, but we...

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-So, I should have called straight away?

-Yes.

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-Should have called immediately?

-Immediately.

-Yeah.

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As soon as you suspected any mysterious behaviour.

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-You should not...

-..Immediately...

-..conduct...

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..Suspicious behaviour...

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..any vigilante behaviour, like you have done.

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Lots to learn for this wannabe cop.

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And after Willie Saffron launches the new Bamnesty initiative,

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the chief learns that not all publicity is good publicity.

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This is just a disastrous day.

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I mean, I'm all over the... Look, Bam-eron Miekelson.

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This is how I'm being treated, you know?

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Every phone-in, you turn on the radio, everybody's talking about it.

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-ON RADIO:

-'The real bam out there is that chief of police.'

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Ohh...

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And in the end, someone's got to take responsibility.

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You know, the buck has to stop somewhere.

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This is the biggest PR disaster

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in the history of the Scottish Police Force.

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HE SIGHS

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You've got to be big enough to take responsibility.

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Stand up and be counted.

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So, I've had the lawyers draft this up.

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Only remains for me to sign it.

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Ah, this is a sad day for the Scottish Police Force.

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But a sadder day for Willie Saffron,

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because that is his contract terminated.

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With immediate effect, Jean!

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Another big decision nailed.

0:14:460:14:48

When you've got to go, you've got to go.

0:14:480:14:50

And Maggie LeBeau has got to go...on the phone to the public.

0:14:500:14:55

Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?

0:14:550:14:58

No, your leg shouldn't have fallen off.

0:14:580:14:59

That's... No, that's concerning.

0:14:590:15:01

When he fell in the ravine, were his pants on or off?

0:15:010:15:05

As far as I can see, the nearest zoo is over 100 miles away,

0:15:050:15:08

so I'm not sure that it's going to be a panther.

0:15:080:15:10

I would say one big way that my work affects me

0:15:100:15:14

is that it has really put me off men.

0:15:140:15:16

Because they can be really sleazy on the phone.

0:15:160:15:19

OK, sir, the car will be with you shortly.

0:15:190:15:21

No, you can't have my personal phone number.

0:15:230:15:26

I'm going to have to ask you to get off the line,

0:15:260:15:28

we need to clear it.

0:15:280:15:29

Emergency response phone congestion is a very serious issue,

0:15:290:15:32

and I'm never going to have a future

0:15:320:15:34

with somebody who doesn't take that seriously. OK?

0:15:340:15:37

Even last week, for example, I had this guy hitting on me,

0:15:370:15:41

he's laying it on thick, I know he's married.

0:15:410:15:45

I'm like, "You're phoning us

0:15:450:15:47

"to report that your wife's been mugged."

0:15:470:15:49

I'm not a mug. I mean, that's disgraceful, in my books.

0:15:490:15:53

Back at the countryside contretemps,

0:15:550:15:57

McIntosh and Mackay are keen to shed some light

0:15:570:16:00

on who's locked in the garden.

0:16:000:16:03

Yep, lead on. Show us where you've locked him up.

0:16:030:16:07

-Oh, no. Oh, I don't believe it.

-What?

0:16:070:16:10

Hang on.

0:16:100:16:12

-This is where he was?

-This is where he was.

-Oh, great(!)

0:16:120:16:15

Do you want to put a call out? Get some more backup?

0:16:150:16:18

No, no. We don't need to do that. Just tell us again.

0:16:180:16:20

So, this is where you locked the man up.

0:16:200:16:22

-Yes.

-After you'd beaten him up.

-I take it the shed was full?

0:16:220:16:25

-Do you know what I think's happened here?

-Yeah?

0:16:250:16:27

-I think he's escaped.

-I think that's pretty obvious.

0:16:270:16:30

-We know that.

-He could be anywhere. Armed!

0:16:300:16:32

-The tool box is open.

-He's armed now because you locked him in

0:16:320:16:35

-with a pile of tools.

-But that's not my fault.

0:16:350:16:37

-It definitely is your fault.

-Well, it is.

-No.

0:16:370:16:39

The first thing we need to do is find out

0:16:390:16:41

what is missing from the shed.

0:16:410:16:42

So, if you can identify any tools that might not be here

0:16:420:16:45

any longer, that would be great.

0:16:450:16:47

Yeah. Is the bike gone? Maybe that's how he fled.

0:16:470:16:49

-I don't know.

-What do you mean, you don't know?

0:16:490:16:51

I have no idea what's missing.

0:16:510:16:53

-So, you just chuck stuff in your shed?

-It's not my shed.

-Sorry, what?

0:16:530:16:56

-How did...

-This is somebody else's property?

0:16:560:16:59

No, I live two doors along,

0:16:590:17:00

and I saw him climbing over that fence.

0:17:000:17:02

What you should have done was call us out immediately.

0:17:020:17:06

Immediately. Yeah, and there's no point in taking notes, OK?

0:17:060:17:09

Because all of this is common sense. If you don't have any of it,

0:17:090:17:12

you're not going to get into the police.

0:17:120:17:13

We're going to need this for evidence.

0:17:130:17:16

We'll just get you to sign off on your statement

0:17:160:17:18

-and then we can arrest you properly.

-Yeah.

-What?!

-Yeah.

0:17:180:17:21

We're going to have to arrest you.

0:17:210:17:22

-You're arresting ME?

-We're definitely arresting you.

0:17:220:17:25

We can't prove anything that this mystery man has done,

0:17:250:17:27

but we know that you've broken in.

0:17:270:17:29

We know that you've detained someone illegally.

0:17:290:17:31

-We know you've obstructed...

-Assaulted him.

0:17:310:17:33

Basically, we are arresting you for five crimes at the moment.

0:17:330:17:36

There was lessons to be learned today.

0:17:360:17:38

As Charlie said, don't take the law into your own hands.

0:17:380:17:40

And certainly don't put a saw in the hands of someone

0:17:400:17:43

-who you suspect to be dangerous.

-Yeah.

0:17:430:17:46

I think you're going to come with us.

0:17:460:17:49

-You're going to be cuffed. Come on.

-I'll learn. I'll learn.

0:17:490:17:52

I'm learning a lot from you guys already.

0:17:520:17:54

Can I mention I know you guys at my next interview?

0:17:540:17:56

-Please don't.

-You absolutely can't.

0:17:560:17:58

We don't want this to reflect poorly on us.

0:17:580:18:00

There is no way she is ever going to be a police officer.

0:18:000:18:03

If this woman ever becomes a police officer,

0:18:030:18:06

then I will hang up my hat.

0:18:060:18:08

And then I'll eat it.

0:18:080:18:10

-It's best for you if you just stop talking now.

-Right.

0:18:100:18:14

The range of things that we are faced with day to day

0:18:150:18:18

in the station has increased dramatically.

0:18:180:18:21

You know, we're not just focusing on crime any more.

0:18:210:18:23

People see us as a broader church than that.

0:18:230:18:26

You know, they'll come to us for citizens' advice...

0:18:260:18:29

Officer Karen, I need help. I need backup.

0:18:290:18:31

-What's happening, Bobby?

-Somebody's stole my face.

0:18:310:18:34

..financial advice...

0:18:340:18:36

Have you been carrying that around in a plastic bag?!

0:18:360:18:39

..environmental...

0:18:390:18:40

-Somebody's lost their bed.

-Bobby!

0:18:400:18:42

-There's chocolate stains all over it.

-..health and safety...

0:18:420:18:45

Please don't do that in front of children. It's not safe.

0:18:450:18:48

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-How? Is it going to scare them?

0:18:480:18:50

..food and hygiene...

0:18:500:18:51

You cannae eat food that you get out of skips.

0:18:510:18:54

-Do you want one?

-No.

0:18:540:18:56

The law is not easy.

0:18:560:18:57

What does "phallic" mean?

0:18:570:18:59

Realistically, for the public, the best way to know

0:18:590:19:02

if you've broken the law is for us to tell you.

0:19:020:19:04

From dusk till dawn till dusk till dawn,

0:19:060:19:09

Scot Squad are perpetually on patrol. Always.

0:19:090:19:13

One of the things I enjoy most about this job

0:19:150:19:17

is meeting new people, with the aim of making new friends.

0:19:170:19:21

One of the groups I've got a natural affinity with is prostitutes.

0:19:210:19:25

I love the prostitutes. I really do.

0:19:250:19:28

I feel a strong connection to them.

0:19:280:19:31

Ach, here's our Kenneth, son.

0:19:310:19:33

-Hello, Candy.

-What have you in your bag of tricks tonight, love?

0:19:330:19:37

-Oh, I've got a few things for you in here.

-Maxy, Tyra!

0:19:370:19:41

I spend a lot of time with them, doing lots of things for them.

0:19:410:19:46

I feed them soups, sandwiches.

0:19:460:19:47

-Yes, you do like your egg.

-I do, I do.

0:19:470:19:50

I've got a change of socks and stuff, they never really want that.

0:19:500:19:54

It's usually high heels they wear and that.

0:19:540:19:56

Whoa-oh! Getting a wee freebie there, Officer?

0:19:560:20:00

How dare you?! Away wi' you!

0:20:000:20:02

-Good man, Kenneth Beattie. Come on, son.

-Bastards!

0:20:020:20:05

-You're all right.

-Sorry.

-Never mind.

0:20:050:20:07

Ken, never mind. Gobshites. God bless you, Ken.

0:20:070:20:10

I'll be on my way. Take care, girls. Have a safe night.

0:20:100:20:13

-Everybody loves Ken.

-Oh, they do. That's right.

0:20:130:20:16

Toodles.

0:20:160:20:17

Don't talk to strangers unless they're the work strangers

0:20:170:20:20

that you...

0:20:200:20:21

We'll remember.

0:20:210:20:23

-OK.

-Genius you are, Ken.

0:20:230:20:24

Later on in the evening, the boys approached me

0:20:240:20:27

-and said some pretty nasty things.

-A pimp, eh?

0:20:270:20:30

The prostitutes came in...

0:20:300:20:31

WOMEN SHOUT

0:20:310:20:33

..attacked the boys quite viciously.

0:20:330:20:36

Get to... Come on.

0:20:360:20:37

See you anywhere near Ken again, you'll be sorry.

0:20:370:20:41

You better walk away, you pair of wee rides.

0:20:410:20:44

-They wee dicks annoying you?

-Pal, you're all right.

0:20:440:20:47

Will we walk you to the bus stop, then?

0:20:470:20:50

Come on, we'll walk you down.

0:20:500:20:52

-I'll maybe take a wee seat, actually.

-You take a wee seat.

0:20:520:20:54

'Some people think heroes come as firemen

0:20:540:20:57

'or as people dressed as bats.'

0:20:570:20:59

I like to think heroes are women in high heels, and poor hygiene.

0:20:590:21:03

And they say you should never meet your heroes.

0:21:030:21:05

HE SCOFFS

0:21:050:21:07

There are two very clear rules when dealing with suspects in custody.

0:21:070:21:10

Firstly, we can't charge you if you're too drunk.

0:21:100:21:14

Secondly, we can't hold you for longer than 24 hours

0:21:140:21:18

without charging you.

0:21:180:21:20

So, yeah, smart criminals amongst you will probably have

0:21:200:21:22

worked out the loophole,

0:21:220:21:24

and that's exactly what's happening.

0:21:240:21:26

Criminals are getting INSANELY drunk before committing huge crimes

0:21:260:21:31

in the hope that they won't sober up within the 24-hour period,

0:21:310:21:37

and we can't charge them.

0:21:370:21:38

So, we've approached the Justice Secretary

0:21:380:21:41

and we've asked for a slight definition change

0:21:410:21:43

in what is drunkenness and what is not.

0:21:430:21:45

So, basically, if you're slurring,

0:21:450:21:48

if you're staggering about a bit, if you're singing Danny Boy

0:21:480:21:51

and telling the staff sergeant you love him,

0:21:510:21:53

we're going to charge you.

0:21:530:21:54

If you're at the stage where you're losing control of your bowels,

0:21:540:21:57

then we'll probably hang fire.

0:21:570:22:00

From the top dog to road dogs McKirdy and Singh.

0:22:000:22:04

It's not always plain sailing

0:22:040:22:06

on the seven seas of Scotland's roundabouts.

0:22:060:22:09

Well, we received a call just at the start of our shift

0:22:090:22:12

regarding reports of a ship

0:22:120:22:15

that was abandoned in the middle of a roundabout.

0:22:150:22:17

Apparently, there'd been a flood of complaints against this boat,

0:22:170:22:20

so we had to go down and check it out.

0:22:200:22:23

It's a belter.

0:22:230:22:25

It's a cracking big bit of kit, innit?

0:22:270:22:30

Here, Surjit.

0:22:300:22:32

Here! Give me a punt up, mate. Gonnae?

0:22:320:22:35

Yeah, I could do that, or you could use the ladder.

0:22:350:22:37

Oh, right. Aye, I'll give that a bash.

0:22:370:22:40

MCKIRDY CHUCKLES

0:22:450:22:47

I'm on a boat!

0:22:470:22:49

-Anything?

-Hold up, there's a number here.

0:22:490:22:52

There's a number, there's a mobile number.

0:22:520:22:54

Hi there. This is PC Surjit Singh of the Scottish Police Force.

0:22:540:22:58

Are you by any chance missing a boat?

0:22:580:23:00

We need you to come down and remove it.

0:23:020:23:04

This woman's taking ages.

0:23:070:23:09

Ages.

0:23:090:23:10

Did cavemen drink milk?

0:23:130:23:15

-Cavemen?

-Aye.

0:23:160:23:18

I'm on this caveman diet, right?

0:23:180:23:20

So, you can only eat the likes of meat, chicken,

0:23:200:23:23

eat raw vegetables, everything that cavemen had, right?

0:23:230:23:26

So, I can't have anything else, it's only stuff that cavemen have.

0:23:260:23:29

-OK.

-So, I just wanted to clear up...

0:23:290:23:32

You'll ken if I'm allowed to use milk.

0:23:320:23:34

Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure they would have had

0:23:340:23:37

domesticated animals by then. Goats, maybe cows.

0:23:370:23:41

-Aye, that's all right.

-Milk should be... But why milk?

0:23:410:23:43

Because I kind of poured some in my Cheerios this morning.

0:23:430:23:46

I was just kind of wondering if milk was allowed.

0:23:460:23:49

I don't think cavemen had Cheerios.

0:23:510:23:53

-Oh,

-BLEEP,

-haven't I?

0:23:550:23:58

People do stupid things and we have to call them out on it.

0:23:580:24:01

If they didn't do it, we wouldn't have to do that.

0:24:010:24:03

Are you a real captain?

0:24:030:24:05

I believe she was very disappointed and was complaining about, you know,

0:24:050:24:09

the prices about leaving your boat, mooring your boat at docks,

0:24:090:24:13

and, you know, she wanted to say that it's actually quite expensive.

0:24:130:24:17

But I was thinking to myself, "Hen, you own a boat."

0:24:170:24:20

Maggie LeBeau is used to dealing with the big questions.

0:24:230:24:27

You did say he was 6'2" and now you're saying he's 5'10".

0:24:270:24:31

What's the difference?

0:24:310:24:33

Well, four inches.

0:24:330:24:35

And no matter how tough they are, she's always got an answer.

0:24:350:24:40

Well, there's lots of discussion around arming the police.

0:24:400:24:44

And, personally, I would have to say I'm not a fan.

0:24:440:24:47

If I were to treat a gun the same way as I do my headset,

0:24:470:24:51

I mean, that thing... I bang it off my teeth all the time.

0:24:510:24:54

The wee sponge at the end, I've swallowed two of those.

0:24:540:24:57

In the last year, I've lost it at least four times.

0:24:570:25:01

And it's literally strapped to my head, so, to me, that's not safe.

0:25:010:25:06

All right, Officer Karen? How are you doing?

0:25:070:25:09

All right, Bobby. What can I do for you today?

0:25:090:25:11

See they bad boys that are always parked up

0:25:110:25:14

-at the double yellow lines at the schools?

-Uh-huh.

0:25:140:25:16

-They're back again and I was just like that...

-Right.

0:25:160:25:19

..I'll come down and I'll tell Officer Karen about it. Okey dokey.

0:25:190:25:23

Bobby, what are you eating your lunch with?

0:25:240:25:26

It's a noodle fork.

0:25:260:25:28

I got it from the car-boot sale.

0:25:280:25:31

Right.

0:25:310:25:32

I've got a feeling it might actually be a backscratcher.

0:25:320:25:36

No. Look.

0:25:360:25:37

-No...

-It's dented at the bottom for the noodles. See?

0:25:370:25:41

I think you'll find it's probably a backscratcher.

0:25:410:25:45

Um...

0:25:450:25:47

I'm doing all right with it.

0:25:470:25:48

Well, you're losing quite a lot of your lunch so far.

0:25:480:25:52

And not in a good way.

0:25:520:25:54

So, are you going to go up and you're going to sort they guys out?

0:25:540:25:57

I'm going to ask a car to go round and...

0:25:570:26:00

Bobby, now that I can see it kind of sans noodles,

0:26:000:26:02

that's definitely a backscratcher. That's what that's for.

0:26:020:26:05

So, that's a backscratcher?

0:26:050:26:07

-Yep. That's what it's for. There we go. See?

-Yeah.

0:26:070:26:10

I'll try my back.

0:26:100:26:11

Oh. Here we go, that's it, page marked.

0:26:110:26:13

That's amazing.

0:26:130:26:15

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

0:26:150:26:17

Oh, that's good.

0:26:170:26:19

-Is it good, yeah?

-Aye, that's good. You want a shot?

0:26:190:26:22

No, I'm good, thanks. I'm all right.

0:26:220:26:24

Chuck that in the bin, right, Officer Karen? Bye!

0:26:240:26:27

Bye.

0:26:270:26:28

We're shortly going to be rolling out a new strategy,

0:26:310:26:34

which is a working-from-home strategy.

0:26:340:26:36

Studies have shown that, actually,

0:26:360:26:39

interestingly, productivity rises if you work from home.

0:26:390:26:44

So, I am going to be the guinea pig,

0:26:440:26:47

because I wouldn't want any of my men to do something

0:26:470:26:53

that I am not willing to do myself.

0:26:530:26:56

Jean! Yeah.

0:26:590:27:01

I can't log in. Can you remotely log in for me?

0:27:010:27:05

Could you e-mail me the Anderson file again?

0:27:050:27:08

Yeah, Jean. No, the whole thing's just frozen.

0:27:080:27:11

Can you get one of the IT boys to either access me remotely

0:27:110:27:15

or come round themselves? Thanks very much.

0:27:150:27:18

Jean? Yeah. Do I take sugar in my coffee?

0:27:220:27:25

Hey! Front! Do the front first!

0:27:270:27:30

Listen, son. No, you listen to me.

0:27:300:27:32

I don't even know what you're talking about.

0:27:320:27:34

I never bought anything like that, I don't know what PPI is.

0:27:340:27:37

Jean, hello. Yeah, thank you.

0:27:370:27:38

Anderson file's come through, looking for the SOCG file.

0:27:380:27:41

Have one of the boys run it over, put it on a bike for me.

0:27:410:27:44

Thank you.

0:27:440:27:46

HE SNORES

0:27:460:27:47

It wasn't an unqualified success

0:27:470:27:49

but I don't think we would be filing it under "disaster".

0:27:490:27:53

Um...teething troubles.

0:27:530:27:56

And I think if we do it again...

0:27:560:27:57

It was the lack of Jean, really.

0:27:570:28:00

We could maybe transport the whole of this office there,

0:28:000:28:03

actually, would be better.

0:28:030:28:05

We could get a bunch of Portakabins there and get all of them...

0:28:050:28:07

Well, not a skeleton staff,

0:28:070:28:09

maybe eight or ten of them to come down and help.

0:28:090:28:11

Then I think the whole working from home would work.

0:28:110:28:14

Basically, if the office and everybody who works in the office

0:28:140:28:17

was at home with me, is what we've learned.

0:28:170:28:20

But you've got to try these things.

0:28:200:28:23

Plans for a 'Bamnesty' blow up in chief commissioner Miekelson's face as he forces his PR exec Willie Saffron to take it to the press. Unfortunately, his plan for working from home doesn't go well either, and he chats about changing the legal definition of drunk. Traffic officers Singh and McKirdy have their own public relations nightmare over illegally parking to collect a takeaway, but are thoroughly professional when dealing with an illegally parked boat. Desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar advises Bobby on what constitutes lewd and lascivious behaviour, as well as the difference between a back scratcher and a noodle fork. Officers McLaren and Fletcher break up a fight at a supermarket checkout, and in the country, McIntosh and Mackay get involved in a citizen's arrest gone awry. Call centre operator Maggie LeBeau chats about arming the police and dealing with men, while volunteer officer Ken Beattie visits the local ladies of the night.


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