Episode 5 Scot Squad

Coming up...

A thief has trouble with his fence.

Ow, my balls!

A roadside rammy delivers a shock.

How dare you!

And a volunteer officer pounds a new beat.

You cannae arrest me.

Just another big shift for the men and women

of the Scottish Police Force.

Don't go relaxing.

We're on you.

This is Scot Squad.

As the world moves online, no-one is safe from cyber crime.

Not even the Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Police Force.

Cameron Miekelson is hacked off at being hacked into.

Oh, no, I tell you.

The week I've had.

The whole system, the computer system, IT collapsed.

Yeah.

Some hacker or rogue state, as we now think, targeted the

system, got in there, hacked in.

The next thing I know, all my e-mails being released to the press.

You know.

Just...

It's North Korea.

It is definitely North...

I said last week when there was a protest in Glasgow,

of course they can protest.

We don't round them up and put them in camps, much as we would like to.

It's not North Korea.

I am not Kim Jong-un.

Soon as I said it, alarm bells were ringing.

I get into work the next morning, the whole screen gobbledygook.

These e-mails, they're private.

This is banter.

You know, it's not public policy.

Just because I'm talking to my colleague Sandy...

..BLEEP,

the English police.

We're having a laugh.

That is not what I actually think.

Look at that wee photo.

So I photoshopped Alex Salmond's head onto Jabba the Hutt.

Alex would be fine with that.

I play golf with the boy.

I copied him in!

He is fine with it but it's all over the press.

I don't know what we are going to do.

Scotland's streets, where the tinies prank can lead to

the majorist dust-up.

And where careless motorists find themselves on a collision course

with traffic cops Singh and McKirdy.

Aye-aye.

A minor collision.

I will double check and see it's all right.

Sometimes it's the little incidents that become the most memorable.

We were driving along this morning and we came across a minor RTC.

It turned out to be one of the best moments of my life.

How is it not your fault?

Because you were coming from nowhere and I thought you were waving me on.

A young chap, James, car from a side street pulled out and

banged into the side of him and...

It was Michelle McManus's motor.

Is it you?

It's Michelle McManus.

I've no idea who Michelle McManus is.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

This clown is trying to blame me for this accident.

There is no way it's my fault.

You came up a side road.

Calm down just now.

What happened?

Honestly, this joker is at it.

It was totally not my fault.

In this job, you expect to deal with the public but you never

think you would deal with Pop Idol winner 2003, Michelle McManus.

Number one hit with All This Time.

Do you two know each other, are you friends?

It is Michelle McManus.

She was on Pop Idol.

What's Pop Idol?

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me on?

Pop Idol!

It was the original...

The original X Factor before all the X Factor stuff.

Pop Idol.

It was brilliant.

She won it.

I did.

Apparently she is some sort of celebrity.

The first one was Will Young which was 2002.

I was 2003.

BOTH:

# All this time # We've come a long, long way # I've waited a lifetime...

# You know the words!

I know all the words.

Do you go to Pop Idol reunions?

McKirdy.

You are on duty here, OK?

Aye, sorry.

Professional.

Can I take your name, please?

Yeah, sorry.

It is Michelle McManus.

M-C-M-A-N...

Mc or Mac?

M-C is right.

M-C-M-A-N-U-S.

How is everything else?

Any concerts lined up?

I have such a big gig coming up.

You were on The Hour as well.

That's right.

I know.

It was ITV.

I wonder if there's any chance of a wee selfie?

Lovely.

Amazing.

Let's sort this out first.

Hey, you, buster...

Obviously it being Michelle McManus, that did not in any way influence

how I policed today.

I know what's happened.

You've seen it's Michelle McManus, you've been startled,

with her or something like that.

I have no idea who she is!

She is just a woman who drove into my car.

How dare you!

Calm yourself.

How dare you!

We have had a discussion.

Sorry, your name again?

Michelle.

There's not huge damage done.

It is a civil matter.

We won't get involved.

I won't write you up a ticket.

If you exchange insurance details with James we can get this sorted.

Sorry, what was your name again?

Michelle.

I carried out my policing this morning by the book.

How I would if I turned up to any other road traffic collision.

Look at me!

Ha-ha.

McKirdy!

There you go.

You suit that.

Cheers, thanks very much.

You do suit that.

McKirdy.

You're still on duty.

Put your hat on.

Thanks very much.

That's tight!

Watch your hands.

See you later, Michelle.

Mum!

Guess who I got my picture with.

Michelle McManus.

Got an update on the North Korea situation,

turns out it wasn't North Korea.

Um...

It was a wee lassie called Karen.

Daughter of a woman I had been dating.

I didn't return the mother's calls, lassie takes revenge on me so...

Embarrassment all round.

But I think...

It justifies my position with the woman.

She's clearly not brought up her child correctly.

Criminals are always on the run.

When a lawbreaker gives it legs, PCs Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher

have a sure-fire method of catching the crook.

Give it even more legs.

I'm very, very fast.

In a lot of situations I am faster than a car.

I don't know if I'm faster than a car because I've not been allowed

to chase anyone.

I don't think you are but that's teamwork, isn't it?

All right, Officer?

Who are you running from, pal?

Just looking for my dug, mate.

Aye?

That your dug you dropped in a bag back there, is it?

What are you talking about, my bag?

You will be finding out.

I caught him and Sarah went around the other side of the park

in a pincer movement in the car.

Jack, what have you done?

He has put himself behind bars.

Oh, dear.

He dropped a bag so I will go and look for it.

It is just a packed lunch, mate.

There's nothing in it, mate.

Honestly.

What is your name, pal?

Logan.

Simpson.

Logan.

Go.

Argh!

Ow!

My balls!

OK.

Don't shout that in the park.

We'll wait for Jack, right?

Aye.

Do you want me to do...

Would you?

I could take the weight off you.

That would be great, if you don't mind.

Oh!

OH!

Oh...

Thanks very much.

Oh.

What did you get up to last night or...?

What did I get up to last night?

Yeah.

Just watching some, some film on one of the channels.

Last night I just put the telly on to watch one of the

like baking programmes.

Oh, aye?

Yeah.

There's lots of those things on now.

I do a bit of amateur baking.

Really?

Yeah.

I've got some of my cakes with me today if you wanted to...

Have you?

Jack won't try them, so...

Listen, I'd love to get my teeth into your...cakes.

My cakes, yeah.

That would be...

I will try them.

Oh.

Mm...

Hm!

That's a big bit.

'While Fletcher feeds his cakehole, this perp is staying put.

'Meanwhile, volunteer officer Ken Beattie feels

'the rhythm of the city street and steps in to assist 'a cash-strapped

busker and avert a drummer drama.'

In this line of work, you never know what's going to happen and today,

a rather attractive young lady was playing the drums rather well.

All right?

Very good.

Are you enjoying that?

Quite loud but...

Listen, I'm bursting for the toilet.

Oh, dear me!

Sorry.

Would you watch this for a bit?

Yeah.

Of course I will.

I'll be dead, dead quick.

Right.

I was more than happy to step in and fill the breach, just to watch

her stuff but then things took a slightly strange turn and...

Oh, no, no.

I'm just guarding the drum kit and money.

Oh, no, no.

You can't put money.

Don't do that.

Give us a song.

I was more than happy to do my duty.

I didn't think my duty involved playing drums.

# Blood on your face, you big disgrace # Kicking your...

all over the place # Singing we will, we will rock you!

# Never...forget

where you're coming from # Never...

# Pretend that it's all real.

# Never ever do that to me again!

OK?

Sorry.

I hope you washed your hands, young lady.

Probably one of the most embarrassing experiences

of my life, since...

The

The log

The log flume

The log flume incident.

The first thing to say about freedom of information is that

it's not technically free.

It actually costs us.

I think it is roughly ?5.75 per request.

So we have to decide how free is the information and which

information should be freest...as

it were.

Obviously, we want to release the figures for car crime in Midlothian

but do we release figures for how many taxis I take home per week?

You know?

I think it was George Orwell that said,

"Freedom is the right to tell people what they don't want to hear."

And I don't think the people want to hear how many taxis I take a week.

Then again, you know, Bob Dylan, he said, "No-one's free.

Even the birds are chained to the sky."

So, you've got a number of opinions.

The only one we are pretty sure shouldn't hold is, "I'm free, free

to do what I want, any old time."

Well, let me tell the Soup Dragons, you're not.

OK?

'For the people of Scotland, 'Maggie LeBeau is a calm

and reassuring voice.'

Police emergency.

How can I be of assistance?

How much of the Japanese plum wine had he drank before that happened?

Maggie rolls back the stone on an Aladdin's cave of gratitude.

Just follow me in here.

This here is the thank you room and that's where we put all

the gifts that people give us to say thank you for helping them out

in their hour of need.

Now, we can't accept gifts so what we do is we auction all

of these off and the proceeds actually go to a charity which

helps rehabilitate ex-offenders.

Which is slightly ironic, I guess, because the person who committed

the crime I dealt with on the phone might be the person who

benefits from this teddy.

But that's fine.

It's the thought that counts.

'From plenty of presents 'to presently proceeding

presentatio to the prosecutor, 'as Jack presents the perp 'with proof

of his unprincipled profession.'

Thanks for sticking around.

I found your bag.

Aye.

Are you sure that's my bag?

That's definitely the bag you dropped.

Nine mobile phones?

Aye...

Nine mobile phones.

So what, have you got nine girlfriends?

Unlikely.

Have you got nine girlfriends?

Scottish Jack Bauer.

Unlikely.

A terrorist?

Unlikely.

I'm not a terrorist.

You stole them.

I never stole them, lads.

Logan!

What?

Really?

We'll get the Fire Brigade.

Wait.

My feet here.

You should try that lassie's cakes.

Too much sugar.

They're magic.

We could take the cream off...

A-ha.

..and

lubricate him.

Lube him up?

And push him out.

I never thought I'd see the day at work.

We were going to call the Fire Brigade but then that's

a waste of an emergency service when we could just use

our partnership, our teamwork...

Yeah.

..which

luckily we had some lube.

Just get it right in there.

That's it.

Oh, oh!

Quick!

Come on!

THEY PANT.

You pull!

Ow!

My feet.

Watch his face, Jack!

I'm coming.

I'm coming!

Argh!

Jesus.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Careful, Jack!

That was good fingering.

That was good police work.

Ah!

Listen, those cakes were amazing.

You really liked them?

Honestly.

Move it.

Maybe you could bake me one with a wee file in it?

'Thanks to the partnership of police officers McLaren and Fletcher,

'the trapped man is now finally free to go straight to jail.'

Meanwhile, the chief gets set to salute have-a-go heroism.

I'm just about to meet a member of the public, a hero.

Erm...apparently,

he's been given some award for some act of bravery or other.

He did something that stopped a crime being committed.

Technically, that's our job, but we're happy for you all to join

in if you want to, you know?

We just won't be sharing the credit.

Oh, we will be!

I'm off now to share the credit with this boy.

OK, lovely.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Erm...

we're here to meet a hero today and...

Oh, hello.

Sorry, didn't...

Hi.

Er...

Hello.

Sorry, no-one had told me that you were a...

No-one had warned me...

Not warned.

Told.

No-one had told me that you were...

Listen, we're having a...

Don't send e-mail.

Oh, sorry.

COMPUTERISED VOICE:

Yes, I am disabled.

Right.

Yes.

So you're going to speak through this?

That's usually how it works.

OK.

Good.

Well, that's going to be fine.

So this is...

Kyle.

This is Kyle.

Erm...Kyle,

perhaps you could take us through the events of the day that led you

to being one of our heroes, one of our local heroes.

I didn't really do anything, really.

I just tripped up a mugger when I was taking an epileptic fit.

Anyone would do the same.

I see.

So it wasn't really...

deliberate?

I got mistaken for an automated machine when I called

the police, so that's something you have to speak to your staff about.

HE CHUCKLES

I think...Kyle

is having a little bit of banter there.

That is very, very amusing.

FEMALE COMPUTERISED VOICE:

Would you feel more comfortable if I used this voice?

You seem very awkward indeed.

Oh, no...

I didn't realise you could become somebody else.

I didn't...

That's very clever or is that the real you?

Maybe it should just be a multiple-choice from now on.

Are you proud?

BLEEP.

Yes.

I'm proud, OK?

OK, well, listen, there's no need to swear, mate, you know?

You've caught one criminal.

You know how many I've caught?

Don't be the big I am.

You started it by being an ignorant bastard.

Well, there's absolutely no reason to talk like that.

If you'd like to not report that.

I've got a medal for you, for your bravery and having your fit at

exactly the time you had your fit.

There we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle...

You didn't give us your surname.

Don't worry about your surname.

If you need Kyle's surname, then...

It's BLEEP Indersin.

My surname is Indersin.

Sorry, I didn't quite...

I got the BLEEP part.

Oh, Anderson!

Kyle Anderson, thank you.

APPLAUSE.

A hero.

The Scot Squad perform heroics 24/7, serving Scotland all day long,

which for Sergeant Karen Ann Millar means starting another shift

in the station.

So, Mr Stewart, you were saying that they've been out on the street.

Took her down the Turkish place?

I did, aye.

If you unplug it and stick it back in.

SHE STAMMERS

I've been behind here for four hours.

What...

What were...

W-W-Who...

Homicide is a crime.

Regicide is a crime.

Countryside is not a crime.

But if it was, it would be solved by the men and

women of the Scottish Police Force.

Hi, Mrs Smith?

Yes.

'We got called out to a woman's house.

She'd been broken into.'

Lovely woman.

She was really nice.

Lovely house.

Charlie wasn't in the best form.

Actually, sorry to interrupt, but could I just nip to your

bathroom for a second before we...?

Of course you can.

Straight ahead of you.

Just straight ahead.

I'll just be a second.

That's OK, no problem.

Sorry, he had a bit of a dodgy curry last night.

I make a mean home-made jalfrezi.

I'd maybe just been overzealous with chillies.

Charlie, do you want me to go ahead and...

No, no, that's fine.

I'll take it from here.

Uh-huh.

Mrs Smith.

Yes.

What time did you get back from work, would you say?

I came back my normal time.

I've got a routine and I was back about half past four.

OK.

Right.

And...it's

good to have routine.

Yes.

Erm...when

did you first notice that something was missing?

on, which is never on.

I always turn it off.

Turn it off.

I was a wee bit embarrassed and I had to remove the woman

from the hall to proceed with the investigation

in order to save your blushes.

Yeah.

And mine.

So you didn't see any sign of a break-in at the front door or...?

The front door was all locked.

But that's what partnerships are for, you know?

If one of you needs to go off and do something, you can rely on

the other person to help you out.

Yeah.

And these stay locked all the time?

They're always locked.

I'm really careful with that.

Okey doke.

Charlie?

Yeah.

We've just had a look in the living room

and I don't think there's any way they could've got in through there.

I think the best idea would be if you could show me up the stairs

and we'll see if there's any...

Yeah.

Come up and I'll show you where everything is up there.

Bingo!

Yep, had some success in here.

Yeah, tell me, is your window always locked?

I lock them every day I go out.

It wasn't open, was it?

It's just open a little.

I just opened it a little smidge as I was conducting a search,

and I've noticed it looks like it's been jimmied open.

Just some markings around the lock and there's actually

a footprint on the sill.

So I think we've found our point of origin.

Maybe I should go and...

Yeah, it's really clear, actually.

So have a wee...

Just leave it ten minutes.

10, 15 minutes.

Cup of tea, maybe?

A cup of tea would be great.

Come in, Officer.

Any lemon and ginger?

Yeah, absolutely.

That crook's footprint above the sin is

their first step towards the clink.

And all over the force, devotion to duty deserves due recognition.

PHONE RINGING Hello, Jean.

Who is it?

The Palace?

I haven't ordered a takeaway.

THE Palace?

Yes, put them through.

Really?

In the actual...

New Year's Honours list?

I'd be honoured to have an honour.

Thank...Her

Majesty for me.

I'm very excited and proud, yes.

I still don't know what the honour is.

I mean, it's not...you

know...

Dreaming of a knighthood, but it's not going to be the knighthood.

You don't start at the knighthood, you know?

Between you and me, I'm thinking it's OBE.

It can't be MBE.

I'm not going to be in with the lollipop ladies and the,

"Oh, you're a janitor.

Well done."

"What have you done?

Hello.

"Formed an under-11s football team in your community?"

When you look back at the people who have been honoured

before you, you know, the Beatles.

John Lennon, I mean, famously gave his back.

I would never give mine back.

I think that's disrespectful.

I think them having a joint in the Palace was disrespectful too,

while we're about it.

It wouldn't have happened if I'd have been there, I tell you.

Beatle or no Beatle.

Out on your arse.

I don't mind telling you, I am quite nervous.

I'm more nervous than when I met Kenny Dalglish, but I'm

less nervous than when I met Lulu.

From anticipation to obliteration.

McKirdy and Singh check out the baddest of bashed up bangers.

We are in the wrecker's yard.

This is where cars come that have been involved in accidents.

Each car here has a story.

Isn't that right?

Some people drive around cars and it's in a terrible nick.

It's in a condition that certainly isn't drivable.

For example, a car here.

Now, this guy was just absolutely chancing it.

Come over here.

I mean, look.

He's got weeds growing in from the wheels.

Put your zoom in there.

You can see here the scratches, the dents.

He was jumping about in that.

The hubcap's all rusted and all.

And it's not that.

There's folk and pedestrians that can walk by and get their shirt tail

dragged into that and get caught and there's an injury there.

Tetanus.

Get a scratch and...

You can get tetanus off a car.

It's disgraceful.

This van here is the consequence of drink-driving.

Now, well, when I say drink-driving, the driver didn't actually make it

to the motor.

He was drunk, staggered, tripped, and his head went through

the window.

But this again, it just shows you the dangers of drink-driving.

Don't do it.

Before driving, during or after.

Well, you can drink after you've driven, but don't get

back in the car again.

It would be wonderful if every single driver could see this place,

because it would teach them a lesson to drive safely, to keep their car

in the garage and not the graveyard.

Here, Officer Karen, I was wondering if you could help me.

OK, what's up?

I've been summoned to jury duty and stuff, but I never even done

anything or nothing, right?

Oh, it just means you're going to go and sit on the jury, it doesn't mean

they think you've done anything.

Don't worry about it.

You're fine.

Aye, but I don't want to do it.

The thing is, you'll see there, see how it says,

"It is an offence that is punishable with a fine of up to ?1,000,"

if you try and avoid jury service.

Like, see the date.

It says it's on Monday.

WrestleMania's on, and it's on at four in the morning, and then

that's at half nine in the morning.

So if I watched WrestleMania I'm not...

I'm...

Five, six, seven, eight.

I'm only going to get five hours' sleep.

Unfortunately, I'm fairly sure WrestleMania is not

one of the things that disqualifies you from jury service.

You know, you have to kind of balance it up.

WrestleMania is good, but is it ?1,000 worth of good?

So what would make me ineligible...

In-en-ergible...?

Ineligible?

Well, there's a whole...

There's a whole...whole

assortment.

So you're not on bail, are you?

No.

You've not been sentenced to anything in the last five years?

Five years?

Mmm-hmm.

No.

OK.

Are you a member of the House of Lords?

I don't think so.

OK.

Uncle Jeffy might be.

You're not in the Navy or the Women's Royal

Naval Service, Queen Alexandra's Royal Naval Nursing Service or any

voluntary aid detachment serving with the Royal Navy?

No, I don't like water.

I'm scared.

OK.

Grounds of ill health or physical disability?

Physically fit.

You're physically fit.

Fit as a fiddle.

You are probably eligible, Bobby.

So I think you are probably going to have to go and do it.

OK.

OK?

So you just need to put your status and then you just need

to pop a wee signature on it.

So, status.

The guy is...guilty.

OK.

Do you understand how jury service works, Bobby?

I say the guy's guilty, because then why would he be

in court if he wasn't guilty?

We should maybe have another wee look at it.

Do you think you'll be able to sit and objectively listen to

all this evidence and decide?

Yep, I'll sit and I'll listen and I won't cause any trouble.

See if the lawyer says anything, I'll just be like that.

"You're doing a brilliant job, mate."

That's what it's all about.

Sign me up, then.

I'm up for it.

Right, OK.

Thanks, Officer Karen.

Thanks for your help and I'll see you next time, right?

And I'll tell you how the guy gets on.

Or the girl, who knows?

But I'm voting for guilty anyway.

Right, see you later, Officer Karen.

I'll talk to you soon.

Right?

Thanks a lot.

See you later.

See you later, Bobby.

Mind the door.

JBE it was in the end.

Never even heard of it.

Is it a Junior of the Br...?

No idea.

They don't issue many, apparently.

The last guy to get one was Andi Peters.

HE SIGHS.

JBE.

Jobbie, that's what the press will call it.

They don't miss a trick, those boys.

That's the headlines tomorrow.

Oh, dearie me.

Oh, well.

It was a nice day out.