Episode 6 Scot Squad


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Coming up...

-Jamie!

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..a shoplifter gets lifted...

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I actually do need the pants. Give me the pants.

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..an archaeological thief gets pinched...

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Oh!

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..and a criminal clown is collared.

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You're at it, Bongo.

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Just another day at the office for the officers

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of the Scottish Police Force.

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Didn't expect that, did I?

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This is...Scot Squad.

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It's another busy day for Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

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I want to make sure that some of the internet doesn't happen again.

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And at the coalface of crime,

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he has got more to deal with than minor problems.

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Something that always surprises the public is what we do with

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the stolen goods, because obviously we recover so many,

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we are good at our job.

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So the warehouse is absolutely bursting -

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it's like the Amazon office down there with stolen goods.

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What we find is that a lot of the time the people that have

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been stolen off don't want them back.

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And fair enough, they have paid their insurance, you know?

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You get your golf clubs nicked, you don't want your old ones back,

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do you? You want a new set of golf clubs. So, what do we do with it?

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Well, we sell it. They say crime doesn't pay.

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Well, it does for us.

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We flog it off.

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We get high on our own supply and it is perfectly legitimate.

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We don't sell everything.

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I mean, believe me, we could make a lot more money

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if we sell the drugs, but that is just absolute no go.

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Weaponry. Now, that's an interesting one because there are grey areas.

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The sgian-dhu, the little knife that goes in the sock,

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that is fair enough.

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But beyond that, I don't think you can go.

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We recovered a bazooka in Airdrie once

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and that just had to be passed straight on to the powers that be.

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So, I hear what you're saying, the government sells weaponry

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willy-nilly around the world, so why can't we?

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I hear what you are saying and that's...

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Maybe that's a debate for another day.

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All I am saying is at the moment, currently...

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where we are now, we do not sell weaponry to the public.

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The public are everywhere and using his very particular set of skills,

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volunteer officer Ken Beattie will hunt them down and help them all.

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Sometimes in this job you don't know how you are going to help people

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but you always manage to help people.

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Today I was just going for my lunch and I seen a lost-looking man.

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-I can't help but noticing, sir, that you are a wee bit...

-Blind, aye.

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Blind, yeah. I wasn't sure if that was the correct PVC term for it.

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-The correct what term?

-PVC.

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-PC? Politically correct?

-Yeah.

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What do you think the politically correct term is?

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-Visually disabled?

-Visually disabled?

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Well, no, visually...

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How about just disabled?

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Yeah, sorry, sir.

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Bit awkward now.

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KEN CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Would you like a...like a hand?

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-I'm needing to buy some clothes, so can you...?

-Of course.

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This is actually a shop of various things, like food and clothing,

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-so you could get...

-Is it a supermarket?

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-That's exactly what it is.

-Just say that, then!

-Sorry.

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I've got to get going. Can you give me a hand doing the shopping?

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Of course, I'll give you a hand. This is automatic doors.

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Aye, don't worry, they'll automatically open.

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-They do, that's why they are called automatic.

-Exactly.

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From opening doors to closing cases, officers McLaren

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and Fletcher nail the guilty...

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It's crude, it's rude, it's offensive towards food.

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Arnie Schwarzenegger, put your top on, eh?

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..and are guilty themselves of protecting the innocent.

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It's part and parcel of police work. We are there for everyone.

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Regardless of who you are, we are there for everyone.

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But particularly, I'd say, the vulnerable in society.

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-Hello!

-Mrs McKelvie, how nice to see you.

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-It's so nice to see you.

-Do you remember us?

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-I do indeed.

-Jack and Sarah, uh-huh.

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Yes, it is very kind of you to be keeping an eye on me.

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Maybe people who can't help themselves or don't have

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anyone to help them, you know, we are there for them.

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Later that day,

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the officers hear of a break-in back at the old lady's house.

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-Copy that.

-Mrs McKelvie.

-Mrs McKelvie?

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-SIREN WAILS

-Go, Jack.

-Yeah.

-Hurry!

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I can't believe that. We just seen her today!

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115 year old, her heart won't take it.

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It breaks your heart. You just think it is one of your own.

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You think, "That could have been my gran," you know?

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It could have been your mum, it could have been anybody,

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so we get there as fast as possible.

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Because you're worried, you are worried about them.

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-What's happening? We got your call.

-Yes, come.

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Mrs McKelvie, is there anyone still in the house?

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He's in the living room.

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-If you stand back, Mrs McKelvie.

-We'll take care of this, OK?

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Who did this to him?

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I did.

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He had no right to come into my house.

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I saw this strange man and I...

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I picked up this brush...

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I think we will just leave that there, yeah.

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I think we have done enough damage with the brush.

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..and I just bashed him. He had no right.

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Quite a few times you bashed him, by the looks of things, eh?

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He's not dead, is he?

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He is not dead, no.

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Unfortunately we're going to have to take you down to the station.

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-Jack, do we have to?

-Erm, yes.

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-When I saw his face...

-You decided to panel-beat it?

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-Well, I didn't like it.

-Aye, clearly you didn't like it!

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Remember your belt.

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-Safety first, Mrs McKelvie.

-Yes.

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'It turns out that Mrs McKelvie could certainly handle herself.'

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But that won't stop us calling in on a Thursday afternoon

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on our rounds for a Bakewell tart.

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Certainly wouldn't mess with her, I'd say.

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As a criminal gets smashed,

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Ken Beattie has a bash at helping this man shop for clobber.

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I was more than happy to help,

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so I led him inside by the arm and guided him around the aisles.

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-What's this one here?

-They're white trousers, size 18.

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I am needing a pair of size 18 white trousers.

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-That's a nice... Is that a bag?

-That's a handbag, yeah.

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It is white, this one. So you put it over your shoulder.

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-I know how a bag works.

-Sorry, Jamie.

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Are you all right with that basket?

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It's getting quite heavy, actually.

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-What are you, about four foot?

-I'm five foot two.

-Five foot two.

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It is a good height for a...boy.

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I'm a man.

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It is like a T-shirt with a tail.

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-If you wanted to hide your bum area...

-Ah!

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It is a T-shirt that is quite high and then there is a bum guard.

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-That's cracking!

-OK.

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We're coming up to a corner now.

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Now, we can go left or right.

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That's like most corners, Ken.

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There's some more T-shirts and stuff there.

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Oh, boy! Two of them.

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That says "nice to eat you" and it has got a shark on it.

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That's quite good, actually, isn't it?

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-That is really funny, actually. We'll take four of them.

-Four?

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Aye, they're cracking.

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-Have you seen Jaws?

-I've not SEEN Jaws, no.

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Of course you've not.

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It's all right, Ken. I've heard it.

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When you hear the splash of water, you know that's the shark.

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Then when you hear that one guy that was talking

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isn't talking any more, you know that he was the one that was eaten.

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I might start watching films with my eyes closed now, actually.

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I suppose a silent film, though, like The Artist...

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Nothing for me.

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-Nice music.

-Charlie Chaplin - wanker.

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One man who has no time to shop is Scotland's busiest man,

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Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

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Today I am having a round with

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a few of the boys from the Federation Of Small Businesses.

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Bit of a charity fundraiser, you know?

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It means I get to give something back to the community and, you know,

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get to police the mean streets of a beautifully-manicured fairway.

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-Do you fancy making it interesting?

-Absolutely.

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What do you say, 10% of your company?

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That's more than you make in a year!

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I'll tell you what, 10% of my company,

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10% of your forces back in Aberdeen.

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Well, what would we do that for?

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It's only rustling up there, isn't it? Come on, boys.

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I'd take out your binoculars, if I were you.

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Oh, Jesus!

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I think you'll have to phone search and rescue for that one.

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-Don't talk during my backswing!

-I'm sorry.

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Good luck!

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There's more chance of finding Lord Lucan

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than we have of finding your ball in here.

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Yeah, you made that joke on the last hole. I'm still laughing at it.

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Aye, actually on your mark though.

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-It's on the mark.

-No, it's nae!

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That's an extra half-inch in front there, man.

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You're supposed to stand for law and order, not cheating.

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I am the law!

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-There's something glinting there.

-Glinting?

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Oh, no, sorry, mate. Got it.

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It was right here. OK.

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-Are you making a humming noise?

-I'm not making a humming noise!

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-Are you sure it's nae tinnitus from the sirens?

-Shush!

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Oh...

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-Putt away.

-What?

-Putt away.

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It's dead, it's stone dead.

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-You're not going to make me putt that.

-Come on, man!

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-You're not going to make me putt that.

-BLEEP!

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-Short again.

-BLEEP!

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-Super.

-Unbelievable!

-Good shot.

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Back in the supermarket,

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Ken Beattie's good deed is almost done.

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-You were very good, genuinely.

-Thank you so much.

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To be honest, I am a bit of what can only be described as a shopaholic.

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I've taken too much.

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There is absolutely no way my benefit cheque is going to stretch

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to all this. Would you be able to take that back and...?

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I'm just going to take these because I think that is all I can afford.

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He suddenly decided he had too much clothes in his basket,

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which I kind of thought he did but I didn't want to...

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You know, I didn't want to be too pushy

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because I was already pushing him around physically.

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I didn't want to do it mentally as well.

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So I decided to take some of the clothes back for him

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and I turned around and...

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Jamie! '..he was fleeing the scene with his stick.'

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Jamie!

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-You shoplifted, didn't you?

-Shoplifted what?

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Shoplifted those T-shirts. I seen you with my own eyes.

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I bought them.

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You didn't buy them. Show me the receipt, then.

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I've not got it, I put it in the bin.

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Show me it. You have shoplifted.

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-Have you got a DVD player at home?

-Hands off!

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-Have you got a DVD player at home?

-Yes.

-Yeah?

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-How about that?

-No, OK? That is a bribe.

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-That is blackmail, and you've got a camera.

-You can only...

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-Ah!

-What?

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-You have taken my white stick.

-Sorry. It got caught.

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What is your problem?

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He was using his blindness as a cloak of invisibility.

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No, I actually do need the pants. Give me the pants, come on.

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I can't give you the pants.

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So whether he was blind or able-sighted,

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no difference to me.

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You shoplift, I am taking you down.

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'And I did take him down.' Blind prison!

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He may have been blind, but justice is not...

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blind.

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The unified Scottish Police Force speaks with one clear voice...

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Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?

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..and that voice is vocalised through the vocal cords of Maggie LeBeau.

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Thing is, you have to have the right-shaped hands for it.

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I have got great, fantastic, supportive colleagues

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and, I mean, it is a very thrilling place to work.

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Vibrant and exciting.

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This is my desk where all the action happens.

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Over here we have Liam in today.

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He is great fun, very nice.

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Very nice teeth. We also have got Ben and we have got Jill.

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Kenny is not here. Kenny is the banter.

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He is kind of like our office joker.

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Squids.

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I mean, who has squids on their desk? Kenny has squids on his desk.

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This - hilarious.

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Fruit-and-khamun.

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We have a picture of a mole. Like, a police mole.

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This is a wee replica of his dog, which died,

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and the ashes are actually in here.

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Seven down, seven to play. It is nae looking good, Chief.

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Seven down and seven to play.

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People come back from worse, by the way.

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-Argh!

-Oh!

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-Jesus, guys, come on!

-Coming!

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How are you doing?

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Oh, that's a bad one. That's a bad one, yeah.

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How are you doing? Cameron Miekelson, Chief of Police.

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That's who you've been hit by.

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You'll always remember that day. OK...

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-Ach, he's not looking good.

-He's fine!

-No, no.

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He is standing up, he's fine.

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No, listen, I'll get you to hospital.

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-I'm the Chief of Police...

-He doesn't need hospital!

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I am not taking no for an answer. We'll get you checked out.

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We don't want you seeing turtles crawling up the wall tonight.

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We've got money riding on this game now!

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-Call it a draw.

-A draw?

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-Call it a draw.

-You hit somebody in the coupon and it's a draw?

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It is a draw. Seven to play, evens. All right.

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Cheers, now, bye.

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'The golf day was very successful.'

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An unsuccessful end, of course,

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the poor gentleman who got hit with the golf ball.

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It happened at a difficult time cos I was really just finding my range.

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When you think how difficult it is to hit a man

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right on the napper from 250 yards at that kind of angle

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through the trees,

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then it shows you that I was really coming on to my game.

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If you'd excuse me, I have just got to send the gentleman who took it

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on the napper a little get well card.

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The thing here is, I need to convey my condolences and best wishes

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but not give him a glimmer of hope of any legal redress, you know?

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I can't take any responsibility. So I've settled on...

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"Sorry to hear that you were hit by an object on a golf course

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"whilst not taking due care and attention.

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"Best wishes, Cameron Miekelson."

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Someone whose middle name is due care and attention is

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Desk Sergeant Karen Ann "Due Care And Attention" Millar.

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I take it as a matter of personal pride that no matter who

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comes through that door...

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All right, Officer Karen?

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..they are going to be treated exactly the same way.

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See, the next thing I need you to do is go and phone the doctor.

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I don't care if you are a beggar or a king, I don't care

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if you are Victoria Beckham or Victoria "Sticky Vicky" Jenkins

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who lives on the scheme up the end of the street,

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you're going to get treated exactly the same way.

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All right, Officer Karen? How are you doing?

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-I've got a wee present for you.

-What are you...?

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Why were you standing outside eating...eating a banana?

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Because you're not allowed to eat in police stations.

0:15:450:15:48

You are, actually. It's all right.

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I got these as a present for you.

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I'm not... I'm not very fond of bananas.

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Normally it's 10p a banana but I managed to get them for 3p a banana.

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If you could just take them out of the station, that would be great.

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-Do you want to see how fast I can eat them?

-Not really.

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-Are you counting?

-Mmm-hmm.

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Two?

0:16:140:16:15

No doubt that you can manage two, I'd just really rather you didn't.

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I am like Bananaman.

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Two. Easy.

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That went down there easy.

0:16:270:16:29

That's three, Officer Karen. Oh...

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Are you OK?

0:16:400:16:41

My fourth one down. It's a marathon.

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Are you counting?

0:16:460:16:47

I can't really take my eyes off it, to be honest, Bobby.

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Officer Karen, I'm good for four.

0:16:510:16:54

Oh, no, Officer Karen!

0:16:550:16:57

HE RETCHES

0:16:590:17:01

< Two seconds, Officer Karen.

0:17:020:17:05

HE YELLS

0:17:050:17:07

TOILET FLUSHES

0:17:070:17:09

That's me, Officer Karen. Don't worry about it.

0:17:090:17:13

-I won't be doing that again.

-No. You all right?

0:17:130:17:15

-Aye, I'm all right. Are you all right?

-Well...

0:17:150:17:18

I better go because my leg is starting to go numb.

0:17:180:17:22

Right, bye-bye.

0:17:220:17:24

See you later. Bye.

0:17:240:17:26

To be a traffic cop, you need good eyes, patience and a long memory,

0:17:280:17:32

and Officers Singh and McKirdie have all that between them.

0:17:320:17:36

The thing with this job is that you will come across people

0:17:360:17:39

who you have apprehended before.

0:17:390:17:41

Case in point, a little while ago

0:17:410:17:43

we noticed a car which the brake lights weren't working on.

0:17:430:17:47

So we decided to pull the chap over and just have a chat with him.

0:17:480:17:52

So, how does that manage to pass an MOT?

0:17:520:17:54

What's that?

0:17:540:17:56

The certificate you have to get to make sure the car is roadworthy.

0:17:560:17:59

-That you can drive on it.

-It is on the road, though.

0:17:590:18:01

-Yeah, but it's not safe.

-I can drive it.

-But it's not safe.

0:18:010:18:04

Yeah, I've no' crashed.

0:18:040:18:06

-Well, that's...

-That doesn't matter.

0:18:060:18:08

Also, if you have no' got your MOT,

0:18:080:18:10

it basically means your insurance is invalid as well, which of course...

0:18:100:18:14

That's nothing to worry about. I don't even have that.

0:18:140:18:17

-It was just an option, wasn't it?

-Not really.

0:18:170:18:19

It's an option that you have to take.

0:18:190:18:22

Now, obviously he was in disguise and I didn't recognise him.

0:18:220:18:25

But my partner here...

0:18:250:18:27

I recognised him from previously arresting him

0:18:270:18:29

for being in charge of an ice cream van which was selling alcohol.

0:18:290:18:32

I went into jail and they did this clown course.

0:18:320:18:35

-Wait till you hear my name. You want to hear my name?

-What?

0:18:350:18:38

-You ready for it?

-Aye.

-It's a belter.

0:18:380:18:40

Bongo Buttons.

0:18:400:18:42

Bongo Buttons?

0:18:420:18:43

-What's that, like...?

-Number one children's entertainer

0:18:430:18:45

in my postcode.

0:18:450:18:47

-Aye?

-I'm brilliant.

0:18:470:18:48

-I've got a few tricks I can do. You watching this, man?

-On you go.

0:18:480:18:52

Oh!

0:18:540:18:56

BONGO LAUGHS

0:18:560:18:58

-Like that.

-Yes! What? Oh...

0:18:580:19:01

-Oh, aye, my auntie used to do that.

-Is your auntie a clown and all?

0:19:010:19:05

HUGH LAUGHS

0:19:050:19:06

Aye!

0:19:060:19:07

You're just not into this at all, are you? He is awful straight-laced.

0:19:090:19:13

I know. A clown, you know what I mean?

0:19:130:19:15

I take it you were en route to a booking the now?

0:19:150:19:17

-I was on my way the now.

-Where is it?

0:19:170:19:20

It is just a couple of mile up the road there.

0:19:200:19:22

What I'll do is, I'll issue you with a ticket

0:19:220:19:24

and then I'll let you go on your way.

0:19:240:19:26

I'll just be able to jump up in the motor

0:19:260:19:28

cos it's a couple of miles away.

0:19:280:19:29

No, you'll have to take a bus or a taxi or something like that.

0:19:290:19:32

-We are taking that car.

-Are you taking my motor?

-Yeah.

0:19:320:19:35

Oh, what?

0:19:350:19:37

-Give us a wee lift.

-No.

0:19:370:19:40

Right, I'm going to be straight with yous. It's my boy.

0:19:400:19:43

It's my wee boy, it's his birthday.

0:19:430:19:45

-And you are meant to be going to...?

-I'm to be going.

0:19:450:19:48

Going to be disappointing my own boy.

0:19:480:19:51

Going to be disappointing Bongo Button's son.

0:19:510:19:53

-I suppose if it's his boy, you know what I mean?

-We can't help him.

0:19:530:19:56

-Come on, it's his boy, mate.

-Sit back.

0:19:560:19:59

Have you got everything you need out that car?

0:19:590:20:02

Thanks very much, boys. Listen, honestly, a life-saver.

0:20:020:20:06

The circus might be in town but the countryside is anything but in town.

0:20:060:20:11

How can you like a horse? Look at it, it's massive.

0:20:110:20:14

And rural officers Mackay and McIntosh

0:20:160:20:18

ensure no-one has a free pass to trespass.

0:20:180:20:23

We received a tip-off about some illegal activity

0:20:230:20:26

on a protected heritage site.

0:20:260:20:28

-METAL DETECTOR SQUEALS

-Hello?

-Excuse me, sir.

0:20:280:20:31

Someone was metal detecting

0:20:310:20:33

and digging up some really rare, valuable finds.

0:20:330:20:38

I tried the beach, but the...

0:20:380:20:40

(The children make fun of me.)

0:20:400:20:42

-What?

-The children make fun of me.

0:20:420:20:44

Children, they make fun of me. They sneak ahead of me

0:20:440:20:47

and throw coins down into the sand for me to find.

0:20:470:20:49

So it's not because of the...?

0:20:490:20:51

-What's wrong with this?

-No, sorry, my mistake.

0:20:510:20:54

-You don't like it?

-I...am a fan.

0:20:540:20:57

We are not the fashion police here,

0:20:570:20:59

-we are here to discuss this issue at hand.

-You're acting like it!

0:20:590:21:02

You cannot go onto that land and just take what you want,

0:21:020:21:05

which is essentially what he was doing.

0:21:050:21:07

It was like going into an antique shop and just picking up

0:21:070:21:10

a pocket watch and walking out.

0:21:100:21:12

That's what he was doing but in a field.

0:21:120:21:14

It's just a couple of coins. Nobody will...

0:21:150:21:18

The people who owned them have been dead 2,000 years.

0:21:180:21:21

-OK, well, this is...

-We can't touch that. Just show us.

0:21:210:21:24

-This is a bracelet...

-You have taken that off some...

0:21:240:21:28

-No, it was just...

-That is a child's bracelet.

0:21:280:21:31

I am not Lara Croft, I am not raiding people's tombs!

0:21:310:21:33

-What else is in the bag?

-There's nothing, that's just...

-Please.

0:21:330:21:37

-Show us the contents.

-OK, listen, don't overreact.

0:21:370:21:42

But when I am digging up some of the artefacts

0:21:420:21:44

and they are all shiny, it attracts magpies.

0:21:440:21:46

-I have got a bit of protection, you know?

-Come on, what's...?

0:21:460:21:50

-It's an air pistol.

-Whoa!

-It's an air pistol, it's...

0:21:500:21:54

That is still dangerous. We are going to have to...

0:21:540:21:56

-GUNSHOT

-Oh!

-Argh!

0:21:560:21:59

Gah!

0:21:590:22:00

'It took me out momentarily.' Oh, he shot me!

0:22:000:22:03

Sorry.

0:22:030:22:05

'Charlie hit the deck and I had to run in there,

0:22:050:22:07

'get the guy to the floor and make the arrest, which I did.'

0:22:070:22:12

I didn't mean to shoot you!

0:22:120:22:14

-Charlie...

-Oh!

-Come on.

0:22:160:22:18

'Metal detecting is quite a lame hobby, anyway.'

0:22:180:22:21

I don't know.

0:22:210:22:23

You know, you might say the same about someone that flies kites.

0:22:230:22:27

-Yeah, that is lame too.

-Yeah...

0:22:270:22:30

Yeah, it is, actually. Yeah. I don't know why anyone would do that.

0:22:300:22:34

Pull a piece on the Scot Squad

0:22:340:22:36

and the only metal you'll be detecting are prison bars.

0:22:360:22:39

Meanwhile, McLaren and Fletcher have their own stash to deal with -

0:22:410:22:45

a stinking stash of filthy hash.

0:22:450:22:48

It is not like everybody thinks, chasing after people

0:22:480:22:52

and, you know, kicking down doors.

0:22:520:22:55

Once you get to a crime scene, sometimes you have to wait there.

0:22:550:23:01

Silly, silly boys.

0:23:010:23:03

'We had a drugs bust where there was a couple of guys who were'

0:23:030:23:08

dealers in cannabis, hashish.

0:23:080:23:12

-Ganja.

-Ganja.

0:23:120:23:14

'They had bricks of it.' Is your head Britain's tallest man?

0:23:140:23:17

'They were sent away in a car.'

0:23:170:23:19

We had to wait with the hash, which they had tried to destroy

0:23:190:23:22

when they knew the police were coming in. Fancy a suck on that?

0:23:220:23:25

They'll no' be selling that, will they?

0:23:250:23:27

We had to wait for Scenes of Crime to arrive

0:23:270:23:30

-and the detectives to arrive.

-Never seen anything like it. Hash bricks.

0:23:300:23:33

They must have just set alight to them when we...

0:23:330:23:36

-Do you think that's what causes it to go on fire?

-I think so.

0:23:360:23:40

Have I ever taken drugs? Erm, no.

0:23:400:23:44

HE COUGHS

0:23:440:23:46

I think, possibly,

0:23:480:23:49

the furthest I have gone is eating a big bag of Haribo.

0:23:490:23:54

-Do you want to put the telly on?

-Aye, is there a control?

0:23:580:24:02

I don't know.

0:24:020:24:03

Oh, yeah, boy.

0:24:050:24:07

Phone a pizza.

0:24:100:24:13

What do you want the pizza to say?

0:24:130:24:16

I have absolutely never taken drugs in my entire life.

0:24:160:24:18

I have turned down drugs many a time when I was young.

0:24:180:24:21

Can I speak to a pizza, please?!

0:24:210:24:23

"What is it? I'm a big dough-face.

0:24:250:24:28

"I'm covered in meat and cheese, I've no' got time to talk."

0:24:280:24:31

It makes my skin crawl. I detest it. I think it is vile.

0:24:310:24:35

Hello, it's the police, Pizza. Could I have a pizza, please?

0:24:350:24:38

I don't remember much about that instance.

0:24:380:24:43

No, it is a bit hazy, that one.

0:24:450:24:47

The only high these cops appreciate is the buzz of taking

0:24:470:24:51

the dealers to the High Court.

0:24:510:24:54

Meanwhile, McKirdie and Singh do their community service

0:24:550:24:58

as Bongo Buttons rides the cop car clown express.

0:24:580:25:02

Will you help me with my wig?

0:25:020:25:05

-Wait and I'll try these wigs, right?

-Aye, on you go.

0:25:050:25:07

Here is the baldy man one first, right?

0:25:070:25:10

-What do you make of that one?

-I like...

0:25:100:25:12

-I mean, I do like that one.

-I'm not sure.

-That is a cracker.

0:25:120:25:15

It is a wee bit scary, that. It's a wee bit scary.

0:25:150:25:18

It is a bit demonic looking, do you know what I mean?

0:25:180:25:21

Maybe scare the weans.

0:25:210:25:22

-See, I like that.

-That's better. It goes with your make-up.

0:25:230:25:26

-It does, doesn't it?

-You get...

0:25:260:25:28

You know there is some folk that have got kind of

0:25:280:25:31

a heavy fear of clowns?

0:25:310:25:33

You have no' seen much.

0:25:330:25:35

Ever read Stephen King's It?

0:25:350:25:38

-Oh!

-That's it.

0:25:380:25:40

-That will get you.

-I bet if I just went like that... Boo!

0:25:400:25:43

-No?

-No.

0:25:430:25:44

-I'll try that again.

-No, it didn't do it.

-Boo! Nope.

0:25:440:25:48

As the officers help the man in the big shoes,

0:25:480:25:51

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson

0:25:510:25:53

helps the bigwigs as he reports to a select committee of MSPs.

0:25:530:25:58

-CAMERON ON VIDEO:

-'Stop and search figures that you're referring to,

0:25:580:26:02

'yes, high.'

0:26:020:26:04

I think I started quite well. 'Because...

0:26:040:26:07

'we are stopping and searching a lot of people,

0:26:070:26:09

'therefore the numbers are considerable.'

0:26:090:26:12

That's a good point.

0:26:120:26:14

'Really, in order to... Excuse me.

0:26:140:26:16

'In order to know...'

0:26:160:26:18

The number of times that hat's let me down.

0:26:180:26:21

'I'm not saying you have got to search everybody...'

0:26:210:26:23

Hitting my stride.

0:26:230:26:25

'I wouldn't go that far. But even so, I will give you an example...'

0:26:250:26:29

This is interesting, this bit.

0:26:290:26:31

'I stop and searched an elderly lady with a zimmer frame.

0:26:310:26:36

'It turned out she had two, erm,

0:26:360:26:38

'giant cannabis cigarettes down the legs of her Zimmer, so...'

0:26:380:26:42

True story, that.

0:26:420:26:44

'You wouldn't have thought she was worth stopping and searching,'

0:26:440:26:46

'turned out...' Exactly!

0:26:460:26:48

'..that was a real bingo stop and search.'

0:26:480:26:51

That's a good point. Why are they saying incompetent?

0:26:510:26:54

On the BBC website it says "an incompetent performance".

0:26:540:26:57

'Far be it from me to use the phrase under-funding...'

0:26:570:27:00

Right, boys, under-funding.

0:27:000:27:02

This is what this meeting's actually about now. Give us more money.

0:27:020:27:07

MSPs... 'Sometimes they're not connected with each other.'

0:27:070:27:11

Slightly worried in the middle it got away from me

0:27:130:27:16

but I think by the end I'd turned it round there.

0:27:160:27:20

Just glad it's over for another year, though.

0:27:200:27:22

Well, don't take it the wrong way

0:27:220:27:23

-but I hope I don't see you again, know what I mean?

-Exactly.

0:27:230:27:26

-Good luck with the party.

-Take it easy.

-Take care.

-Bye.

0:27:260:27:31

He's a charming guy, you know what I mean?

0:27:320:27:34

Right, where are we going for lunch? What do you fancy? Chinese?

0:27:340:27:38

< Get out of here!

0:27:380:27:40

-BLEEP!

-Don't come back! You're no' allowed here.

-I am allowed here.

0:27:400:27:45

-Restraining order after you. Take your bag!

-I need to see the boy.

0:27:450:27:49

-You're ruining the party!

-Excuse me, is everything all right here?

0:27:490:27:52

-No, there's a restraining order against him.

-Oh, come on!

0:27:520:27:55

-He's here annoying us again.

-Restraining order?

0:27:550:27:58

-It's only a restraining order at MY house.

-Come on.

-No.

0:27:580:28:02

Right, enough.

0:28:020:28:04

Here.

0:28:040:28:06

Come on.

0:28:090:28:11

-It's my boy's party!

-You're embarrassing yourself.

0:28:130:28:15

You're at it, Bongo.

0:28:150:28:17

Mind your head.

0:28:170:28:19

This court jester will soon be feeling court justice.

0:28:190:28:23

He's pushed the cops' buttons too many times.

0:28:230:28:27

Send in the Scot Squad - it's bang-up time for Bongo.

0:28:270:28:32

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