Episode 6 Scot Squad

-Coming up...

-Jamie!

..a shoplifter gets lifted...

I actually do need the pants. Give me the pants.

..an archaeological thief gets pinched...

Oh!

..and a criminal clown is collared.

You're at it, Bongo.

Just another day at the office for the officers

of the Scottish Police Force.

Didn't expect that, did I?

This is...Scot Squad.

It's another busy day for Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

I want to make sure that some of the internet doesn't happen again.

And at the coalface of crime,

he has got more to deal with than minor problems.

Something that always surprises the public is what we do with

the stolen goods, because obviously we recover so many,

we are good at our job.

So the warehouse is absolutely bursting -

it's like the Amazon office down there with stolen goods.

What we find is that a lot of the time the people that have

been stolen off don't want them back.

And fair enough, they have paid their insurance, you know?

You get your golf clubs nicked, you don't want your old ones back,

do you? You want a new set of golf clubs. So, what do we do with it?

Well, we sell it. They say crime doesn't pay.

Well, it does for us.

We flog it off.

We get high on our own supply and it is perfectly legitimate.

We don't sell everything.

I mean, believe me, we could make a lot more money

if we sell the drugs, but that is just absolute no go.

Weaponry. Now, that's an interesting one because there are grey areas.

The sgian-dhu, the little knife that goes in the sock,

that is fair enough.

But beyond that, I don't think you can go.

We recovered a bazooka in Airdrie once

and that just had to be passed straight on to the powers that be.

So, I hear what you're saying, the government sells weaponry

willy-nilly around the world, so why can't we?

I hear what you are saying and that's...

Maybe that's a debate for another day.

All I am saying is at the moment, currently...

where we are now, we do not sell weaponry to the public.

The public are everywhere and using his very particular set of skills,

volunteer officer Ken Beattie will hunt them down and help them all.

Sometimes in this job you don't know how you are going to help people

but you always manage to help people.

Today I was just going for my lunch and I seen a lost-looking man.

-I can't help but noticing, sir, that you are a wee bit...

-Blind, aye.

Blind, yeah. I wasn't sure if that was the correct PVC term for it.

-The correct what term?

-PVC.

-PC? Politically correct?

-Yeah.

What do you think the politically correct term is?

-Visually disabled?

-Visually disabled?

Well, no, visually...

How about just disabled?

Yeah, sorry, sir.

Bit awkward now.

KEN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Would you like a...like a hand?

-I'm needing to buy some clothes, so can you...?

-Of course.

This is actually a shop of various things, like food and clothing,

-so you could get...

-Is it a supermarket?

-That's exactly what it is.

-Just say that, then!

-Sorry.

I've got to get going. Can you give me a hand doing the shopping?

Of course, I'll give you a hand. This is automatic doors.

Aye, don't worry, they'll automatically open.

-They do, that's why they are called automatic.

-Exactly.

From opening doors to closing cases, officers McLaren

and Fletcher nail the guilty...

It's crude, it's rude, it's offensive towards food.

Arnie Schwarzenegger, put your top on, eh?

..and are guilty themselves of protecting the innocent.

It's part and parcel of police work. We are there for everyone.

Regardless of who you are, we are there for everyone.

But particularly, I'd say, the vulnerable in society.

-Hello!

-Mrs McKelvie, how nice to see you.

-It's so nice to see you.

-Do you remember us?

-I do indeed.

-Jack and Sarah, uh-huh.

Yes, it is very kind of you to be keeping an eye on me.

Maybe people who can't help themselves or don't have

anyone to help them, you know, we are there for them.

Later that day,

the officers hear of a break-in back at the old lady's house.

-Copy that.

-Mrs McKelvie.

-Mrs McKelvie?

-SIREN WAILS

-Go, Jack.

-Yeah.

-Hurry!

I can't believe that. We just seen her today!

115 year old, her heart won't take it.

It breaks your heart. You just think it is one of your own.

You think, "That could have been my gran," you know?

It could have been your mum, it could have been anybody,

so we get there as fast as possible.

Because you're worried, you are worried about them.

-What's happening? We got your call.

-Yes, come.

Mrs McKelvie, is there anyone still in the house?

He's in the living room.

-If you stand back, Mrs McKelvie.

-We'll take care of this, OK?

Who did this to him?

I did.

He had no right to come into my house.

I saw this strange man and I...

I picked up this brush...

I think we will just leave that there, yeah.

I think we have done enough damage with the brush.

..and I just bashed him. He had no right.

Quite a few times you bashed him, by the looks of things, eh?

He's not dead, is he?

He is not dead, no.

Unfortunately we're going to have to take you down to the station.

-Jack, do we have to?

-Erm, yes.

-When I saw his face...

-You decided to panel-beat it?

-Well, I didn't like it.

-Aye, clearly you didn't like it!

Remember your belt.

-Safety first, Mrs McKelvie.

-Yes.

'It turns out that Mrs McKelvie could certainly handle herself.'

But that won't stop us calling in on a Thursday afternoon

on our rounds for a Bakewell tart.

Certainly wouldn't mess with her, I'd say.

As a criminal gets smashed,

Ken Beattie has a bash at helping this man shop for clobber.

I was more than happy to help,

so I led him inside by the arm and guided him around the aisles.

-What's this one here?

-They're white trousers, size 18.

I am needing a pair of size 18 white trousers.

-That's a nice... Is that a bag?

-That's a handbag, yeah.

It is white, this one. So you put it over your shoulder.

-I know how a bag works.

-Sorry, Jamie.

Are you all right with that basket?

It's getting quite heavy, actually.

-What are you, about four foot?

-I'm five foot two.

-Five foot two.

It is a good height for a...boy.

I'm a man.

It is like a T-shirt with a tail.

-If you wanted to hide your bum area...

-Ah!

It is a T-shirt that is quite high and then there is a bum guard.

-That's cracking!

-OK.

We're coming up to a corner now.

Now, we can go left or right.

That's like most corners, Ken.

There's some more T-shirts and stuff there.

Oh, boy! Two of them.

That says "nice to eat you" and it has got a shark on it.

That's quite good, actually, isn't it?

-That is really funny, actually. We'll take four of them.

-Four?

Aye, they're cracking.

-Have you seen Jaws?

-I've not SEEN Jaws, no.

Of course you've not.

It's all right, Ken. I've heard it.

When you hear the splash of water, you know that's the shark.

Then when you hear that one guy that was talking

isn't talking any more, you know that he was the one that was eaten.

I might start watching films with my eyes closed now, actually.

I suppose a silent film, though, like The Artist...

Nothing for me.

-Nice music.

-Charlie Chaplin - wanker.

One man who has no time to shop is Scotland's busiest man,

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

Today I am having a round with

a few of the boys from the Federation Of Small Businesses.

Bit of a charity fundraiser, you know?

It means I get to give something back to the community and, you know,

get to police the mean streets of a beautifully-manicured fairway.

-Do you fancy making it interesting?

-Absolutely.

What do you say, 10% of your company?

That's more than you make in a year!

I'll tell you what, 10% of my company,

10% of your forces back in Aberdeen.

Well, what would we do that for?

It's only rustling up there, isn't it? Come on, boys.

I'd take out your binoculars, if I were you.

Oh, Jesus!

I think you'll have to phone search and rescue for that one.

-Don't talk during my backswing!

-I'm sorry.

Good luck!

There's more chance of finding Lord Lucan

than we have of finding your ball in here.

Yeah, you made that joke on the last hole. I'm still laughing at it.

Aye, actually on your mark though.

-It's on the mark.

-No, it's nae!

That's an extra half-inch in front there, man.

You're supposed to stand for law and order, not cheating.

I am the law!

-There's something glinting there.

-Glinting?

Oh, no, sorry, mate. Got it.

It was right here. OK.

-Are you making a humming noise?

-I'm not making a humming noise!

-Are you sure it's nae tinnitus from the sirens?

-Shush!

Oh...

-Putt away.

-What?

-Putt away.

It's dead, it's stone dead.

-You're not going to make me putt that.

-Come on, man!

-You're not going to make me putt that.

-BLEEP!

-Short again.

-BLEEP!

-Super.

-Unbelievable!

-Good shot.

Back in the supermarket,

Ken Beattie's good deed is almost done.

-You were very good, genuinely.

-Thank you so much.

To be honest, I am a bit of what can only be described as a shopaholic.

I've taken too much.

There is absolutely no way my benefit cheque is going to stretch

to all this. Would you be able to take that back and...?

I'm just going to take these because I think that is all I can afford.

He suddenly decided he had too much clothes in his basket,

which I kind of thought he did but I didn't want to...

You know, I didn't want to be too pushy

because I was already pushing him around physically.

I didn't want to do it mentally as well.

So I decided to take some of the clothes back for him

and I turned around and...

Jamie! '..he was fleeing the scene with his stick.'

Jamie!

-You shoplifted, didn't you?

-Shoplifted what?

Shoplifted those T-shirts. I seen you with my own eyes.

I bought them.

You didn't buy them. Show me the receipt, then.

I've not got it, I put it in the bin.

Show me it. You have shoplifted.

-Have you got a DVD player at home?

-Hands off!

-Have you got a DVD player at home?

-Yes.

-Yeah?

-How about that?

-No, OK? That is a bribe.

-That is blackmail, and you've got a camera.

-You can only...

-Ah!

-What?

-You have taken my white stick.

-Sorry. It got caught.

What is your problem?

He was using his blindness as a cloak of invisibility.

No, I actually do need the pants. Give me the pants, come on.

I can't give you the pants.

So whether he was blind or able-sighted,

no difference to me.

You shoplift, I am taking you down.

'And I did take him down.' Blind prison!

He may have been blind, but justice is not...

blind.

The unified Scottish Police Force speaks with one clear voice...

Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?

..and that voice is vocalised through the vocal cords of Maggie LeBeau.

Thing is, you have to have the right-shaped hands for it.

I have got great, fantastic, supportive colleagues

and, I mean, it is a very thrilling place to work.

Vibrant and exciting.

This is my desk where all the action happens.

Over here we have Liam in today.

He is great fun, very nice.

Very nice teeth. We also have got Ben and we have got Jill.

Kenny is not here. Kenny is the banter.

He is kind of like our office joker.

Squids.

I mean, who has squids on their desk? Kenny has squids on his desk.

This - hilarious.

Fruit-and-khamun.

We have a picture of a mole. Like, a police mole.

This is a wee replica of his dog, which died,

and the ashes are actually in here.

Seven down, seven to play. It is nae looking good, Chief.

Seven down and seven to play.

People come back from worse, by the way.

-Argh!

-Oh!

-Jesus, guys, come on!

-Coming!

How are you doing?

Oh, that's a bad one. That's a bad one, yeah.

How are you doing? Cameron Miekelson, Chief of Police.

That's who you've been hit by.

You'll always remember that day. OK...

-Ach, he's not looking good.

-He's fine!

-No, no.

He is standing up, he's fine.

No, listen, I'll get you to hospital.

-I'm the Chief of Police...

-He doesn't need hospital!

I am not taking no for an answer. We'll get you checked out.

We don't want you seeing turtles crawling up the wall tonight.

We've got money riding on this game now!

-Call it a draw.

-A draw?

-Call it a draw.

-You hit somebody in the coupon and it's a draw?

It is a draw. Seven to play, evens. All right.

Cheers, now, bye.

'The golf day was very successful.'

An unsuccessful end, of course,

the poor gentleman who got hit with the golf ball.

It happened at a difficult time cos I was really just finding my range.

When you think how difficult it is to hit a man

right on the napper from 250 yards at that kind of angle

through the trees,

then it shows you that I was really coming on to my game.

If you'd excuse me, I have just got to send the gentleman who took it

on the napper a little get well card.

The thing here is, I need to convey my condolences and best wishes

but not give him a glimmer of hope of any legal redress, you know?

I can't take any responsibility. So I've settled on...

"Sorry to hear that you were hit by an object on a golf course

"whilst not taking due care and attention.

"Best wishes, Cameron Miekelson."

Someone whose middle name is due care and attention is

Desk Sergeant Karen Ann "Due Care And Attention" Millar.

I take it as a matter of personal pride that no matter who

comes through that door...

All right, Officer Karen?

..they are going to be treated exactly the same way.

See, the next thing I need you to do is go and phone the doctor.

I don't care if you are a beggar or a king, I don't care

if you are Victoria Beckham or Victoria "Sticky Vicky" Jenkins

who lives on the scheme up the end of the street,

you're going to get treated exactly the same way.

All right, Officer Karen? How are you doing?

-I've got a wee present for you.

-What are you...?

Why were you standing outside eating...eating a banana?

Because you're not allowed to eat in police stations.

You are, actually. It's all right.

I got these as a present for you.

I'm not... I'm not very fond of bananas.

Normally it's 10p a banana but I managed to get them for 3p a banana.

If you could just take them out of the station, that would be great.

-Do you want to see how fast I can eat them?

-Not really.

-Are you counting?

-Mmm-hmm.

Two?

No doubt that you can manage two, I'd just really rather you didn't.

I am like Bananaman.

Two. Easy.

That went down there easy.

That's three, Officer Karen. Oh...

Are you OK?

My fourth one down. It's a marathon.

Are you counting?

I can't really take my eyes off it, to be honest, Bobby.

Officer Karen, I'm good for four.

Oh, no, Officer Karen!

HE RETCHES

< Two seconds, Officer Karen.

HE YELLS

TOILET FLUSHES

That's me, Officer Karen. Don't worry about it.

-I won't be doing that again.

-No. You all right?

-Aye, I'm all right. Are you all right?

-Well...

I better go because my leg is starting to go numb.

Right, bye-bye.

See you later. Bye.

To be a traffic cop, you need good eyes, patience and a long memory,

and Officers Singh and McKirdie have all that between them.

The thing with this job is that you will come across people

who you have apprehended before.

Case in point, a little while ago

we noticed a car which the brake lights weren't working on.

So we decided to pull the chap over and just have a chat with him.

So, how does that manage to pass an MOT?

What's that?

The certificate you have to get to make sure the car is roadworthy.

-That you can drive on it.

-It is on the road, though.

-Yeah, but it's not safe.

-I can drive it.

-But it's not safe.

Yeah, I've no' crashed.

-Well, that's...

-That doesn't matter.

Also, if you have no' got your MOT,

it basically means your insurance is invalid as well, which of course...

That's nothing to worry about. I don't even have that.

-It was just an option, wasn't it?

-Not really.

It's an option that you have to take.

Now, obviously he was in disguise and I didn't recognise him.

But my partner here...

I recognised him from previously arresting him

for being in charge of an ice cream van which was selling alcohol.

I went into jail and they did this clown course.

-Wait till you hear my name. You want to hear my name?

-What?

-You ready for it?

-Aye.

-It's a belter.

Bongo Buttons.

Bongo Buttons?

-What's that, like...?

-Number one children's entertainer

in my postcode.

-Aye?

-I'm brilliant.

-I've got a few tricks I can do. You watching this, man?

-On you go.

Oh!

BONGO LAUGHS

-Like that.

-Yes! What? Oh...

-Oh, aye, my auntie used to do that.

-Is your auntie a clown and all?

HUGH LAUGHS

Aye!

You're just not into this at all, are you? He is awful straight-laced.

I know. A clown, you know what I mean?

I take it you were en route to a booking the now?

-I was on my way the now.

-Where is it?

It is just a couple of mile up the road there.

What I'll do is, I'll issue you with a ticket

and then I'll let you go on your way.

I'll just be able to jump up in the motor

cos it's a couple of miles away.

No, you'll have to take a bus or a taxi or something like that.

-We are taking that car.

-Are you taking my motor?

-Yeah.

Oh, what?

-Give us a wee lift.

-No.

Right, I'm going to be straight with yous. It's my boy.

It's my wee boy, it's his birthday.

-And you are meant to be going to...?

-I'm to be going.

Going to be disappointing my own boy.

Going to be disappointing Bongo Button's son.

-I suppose if it's his boy, you know what I mean?

-We can't help him.

-Come on, it's his boy, mate.

-Sit back.

Have you got everything you need out that car?

Thanks very much, boys. Listen, honestly, a life-saver.

The circus might be in town but the countryside is anything but in town.

How can you like a horse? Look at it, it's massive.

And rural officers Mackay and McIntosh

ensure no-one has a free pass to trespass.

We received a tip-off about some illegal activity

on a protected heritage site.

-METAL DETECTOR SQUEALS

-Hello?

-Excuse me, sir.

Someone was metal detecting

and digging up some really rare, valuable finds.

I tried the beach, but the...

(The children make fun of me.)

-What?

-The children make fun of me.

Children, they make fun of me. They sneak ahead of me

and throw coins down into the sand for me to find.

So it's not because of the...?

-What's wrong with this?

-No, sorry, my mistake.

-You don't like it?

-I...am a fan.

We are not the fashion police here,

-we are here to discuss this issue at hand.

-You're acting like it!

You cannot go onto that land and just take what you want,

which is essentially what he was doing.

It was like going into an antique shop and just picking up

a pocket watch and walking out.

That's what he was doing but in a field.

It's just a couple of coins. Nobody will...

The people who owned them have been dead 2,000 years.

-OK, well, this is...

-We can't touch that. Just show us.

-This is a bracelet...

-You have taken that off some...

-No, it was just...

-That is a child's bracelet.

I am not Lara Croft, I am not raiding people's tombs!

-What else is in the bag?

-There's nothing, that's just...

-Please.

-Show us the contents.

-OK, listen, don't overreact.

But when I am digging up some of the artefacts

and they are all shiny, it attracts magpies.

-I have got a bit of protection, you know?

-Come on, what's...?

-It's an air pistol.

-Whoa!

-It's an air pistol, it's...

That is still dangerous. We are going to have to...

-GUNSHOT

-Oh!

-Argh!

Gah!

'It took me out momentarily.' Oh, he shot me!

Sorry.

'Charlie hit the deck and I had to run in there,

'get the guy to the floor and make the arrest, which I did.'

I didn't mean to shoot you!

-Charlie...

-Oh!

-Come on.

'Metal detecting is quite a lame hobby, anyway.'

I don't know.

You know, you might say the same about someone that flies kites.

-Yeah, that is lame too.

-Yeah...

Yeah, it is, actually. Yeah. I don't know why anyone would do that.

Pull a piece on the Scot Squad

and the only metal you'll be detecting are prison bars.

Meanwhile, McLaren and Fletcher have their own stash to deal with -

a stinking stash of filthy hash.

It is not like everybody thinks, chasing after people

and, you know, kicking down doors.

Once you get to a crime scene, sometimes you have to wait there.

Silly, silly boys.

'We had a drugs bust where there was a couple of guys who were'

dealers in cannabis, hashish.

-Ganja.

-Ganja.

'They had bricks of it.' Is your head Britain's tallest man?

'They were sent away in a car.'

We had to wait with the hash, which they had tried to destroy

when they knew the police were coming in. Fancy a suck on that?

They'll no' be selling that, will they?

We had to wait for Scenes of Crime to arrive

-and the detectives to arrive.

-Never seen anything like it. Hash bricks.

They must have just set alight to them when we...

-Do you think that's what causes it to go on fire?

-I think so.

Have I ever taken drugs? Erm, no.

HE COUGHS

I think, possibly,

the furthest I have gone is eating a big bag of Haribo.

-Do you want to put the telly on?

-Aye, is there a control?

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, boy.

Phone a pizza.

What do you want the pizza to say?

I have absolutely never taken drugs in my entire life.

I have turned down drugs many a time when I was young.

Can I speak to a pizza, please?!

"What is it? I'm a big dough-face.

"I'm covered in meat and cheese, I've no' got time to talk."

It makes my skin crawl. I detest it. I think it is vile.

Hello, it's the police, Pizza. Could I have a pizza, please?

I don't remember much about that instance.

No, it is a bit hazy, that one.

The only high these cops appreciate is the buzz of taking

the dealers to the High Court.

Meanwhile, McKirdie and Singh do their community service

as Bongo Buttons rides the cop car clown express.

Will you help me with my wig?

-Wait and I'll try these wigs, right?

-Aye, on you go.

Here is the baldy man one first, right?

-What do you make of that one?

-I like...

-I mean, I do like that one.

-I'm not sure.

-That is a cracker.

It is a wee bit scary, that. It's a wee bit scary.

It is a bit demonic looking, do you know what I mean?

Maybe scare the weans.

-See, I like that.

-That's better. It goes with your make-up.

-It does, doesn't it?

-You get...

You know there is some folk that have got kind of

a heavy fear of clowns?

You have no' seen much.

Ever read Stephen King's It?

-Oh!

-That's it.

-That will get you.

-I bet if I just went like that... Boo!

-No?

-No.

-I'll try that again.

-No, it didn't do it.

-Boo! Nope.

As the officers help the man in the big shoes,

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson

helps the bigwigs as he reports to a select committee of MSPs.

-CAMERON ON VIDEO:

-'Stop and search figures that you're referring to,

'yes, high.'

I think I started quite well. 'Because...

'we are stopping and searching a lot of people,

'therefore the numbers are considerable.'

That's a good point.

'Really, in order to... Excuse me.

'In order to know...'

The number of times that hat's let me down.

'I'm not saying you have got to search everybody...'

Hitting my stride.

'I wouldn't go that far. But even so, I will give you an example...'

This is interesting, this bit.

'I stop and searched an elderly lady with a zimmer frame.

'It turned out she had two, erm,

'giant cannabis cigarettes down the legs of her Zimmer, so...'

True story, that.

'You wouldn't have thought she was worth stopping and searching,'

'turned out...' Exactly!

'..that was a real bingo stop and search.'

That's a good point. Why are they saying incompetent?

On the BBC website it says "an incompetent performance".

'Far be it from me to use the phrase under-funding...'

Right, boys, under-funding.

This is what this meeting's actually about now. Give us more money.

MSPs... 'Sometimes they're not connected with each other.'

Slightly worried in the middle it got away from me

but I think by the end I'd turned it round there.

Just glad it's over for another year, though.

Well, don't take it the wrong way

-but I hope I don't see you again, know what I mean?

-Exactly.

-Good luck with the party.

-Take it easy.

-Take care.

-Bye.

He's a charming guy, you know what I mean?

Right, where are we going for lunch? What do you fancy? Chinese?

< Get out of here!

-BLEEP!

-Don't come back! You're no' allowed here.

-I am allowed here.

-Restraining order after you. Take your bag!

-I need to see the boy.

-You're ruining the party!

-Excuse me, is everything all right here?

-No, there's a restraining order against him.

-Oh, come on!

-He's here annoying us again.

-Restraining order?

-It's only a restraining order at MY house.

-Come on.

-No.

Right, enough.

Here.

Come on.

-It's my boy's party!

-You're embarrassing yourself.

You're at it, Bongo.

Mind your head.

This court jester will soon be feeling court justice.

He's pushed the cops' buttons too many times.

Send in the Scot Squad - it's bang-up time for Bongo.