Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. Bobby fidgets with something explosive that officer Karen told him to keep his paws off.
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On the case, on the ground...
Make it stop!
..bottoms up in the sticks...
..pulling over and pulling shapes.
When the scum of Scotland kicks off,
the Scottish police force are the crack cops
who kick in and kick it out.
This is...Scot Squad!
In the Caledonian crime-fighting community,
one single super man heads up the MacJustice League -
Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
Vladimir Putin is First Minister of this country - it's not me to blame.
In the ding-dong between right and wrong, he rights the wrongs
and fights for the rights of the right, and he ain't wrong.
I'll tell you something that gets my goat,
it's the glorification of the bad guy. You know?
The whole "Bonnie and Clyde" ethos, the antihero, you know?
There's a pub on the high street here called the Burke & Hare.
Grave-robbers. It's celebrating grave-robbers, you know?
And what's Edinburgh's iconic image these days?
When I was a lad, it was Edinburgh Castle, the Forth Bridges,
something to be proud of.
What is it now? Trainspotting!
Got all these skinny, radgey bams running down Princes Street.
You know, forget Sick Boy and the boys,
the poster should be the poor wee police officer
having to rugby tackle the wee radges running out of Boots,
cos he's off and getting the skag.
So, that's what I'm proposing.
Statue of Rebus outside the Oxford Bar, why not?
Hamish Macbeth up in Plockton.
And if we must, OK -
a statue of me in St Andrew's Square.
Fair enough, I won't stand in your way, but it's just more acclaim,
more attention, more dignity, more justice.
Urban cops Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher have a duty of care
to protect the city's party animals.
What's going on, big boy?
When a hot new nightspot pops up, these cops rock up to suss it out
and give the thumbs up from the law's ultimate bouncers.
In a city with a large nightlife community,
it's important for us to work closely with the club owners.
There was a new club had opened,
it had been refurbished, under new management.
-Oh, hiya, how are you doing?
We just visited it, let ourselves be known to the guy.
Do you want to show us around?
Yeah, no problem at all. Come on and I'll show you.
Yous aren't wearing trainers, so that's superb.
As you can see here, we've got a grand selection of drinks.
Are yous wanting a drink at all?
-Not on duty. Not on duty.
-Are you sure?
You look like a man that likes a slippery nipple there, no?
I do, but it's no drink.
-There's been no problems so far?
No problems at all. It's been rammed every night.
We're kind of doing kind of, like, a promotion,
with competitions and stuff. You know?
We've got, like, lap dancing competitions. A bit of fun.
-Pole dancing competitions, you know?
-Are you single?
-At the moment? Well, not really, no.
-That's just the best.
-I've got kind of...my fingers in many pies.
Can I check your fire escapes?
And you two can get to know each other a bit better,
maybe swap numbers, and...
Yeah, certainly. The fire escape is down this way.
My partner, Sarah, went to check fire exits
and have a look round the building to see what else had changed,
and he gave me a tour of the VIP area.
-VIP. Very Important Policeman, mate. That could be you.
-Aye, very good.
-That could be you.
-Aye, it could as well. It's brilliant.
-It's not bad.
-This is where all the tidy lassies come?
If you want them in here, my man, that's what we'll get.
Is that for the football?
Aye, that's where we watch football. Aye. Aye.
Oh, there you go. There's a wee insight
into the extras that you get in this room, Jack. That's...
-That's your partner, my man. Yeah.
-Is that the toilet?
-Oh, aye, it's the toilet.
-That's a wee bit of extras, man.
-You can't do that!
It's what the punters want. It's...
That's illegal. You cannot film a toilet.
-Oh, come on, it's a good laugh.
-Sarah, don't drop your kecks!
Sarah, don't drop your kecks!
Come on. Surely, she's your partner -
you've seen her from that angle before.
No! I saw it! I saw that!
-Sarah, I saw it!
No! No, that is wrong on every level.
-Sarah... Please, get this off!
You cannae do that!
Surely, she's your partner - you've seen that before.
-It's a good laugh.
-No, she's a work partner.
You, my friend, are under arrest, you Very Important Pervert.
Afterwards, Jack told me the situation,
that the club owner had put in a CCTV inside the female cubicle.
Everything seems to be fine with the fire escapes.
Yep, everything's fine. We're just going to take him down the station.
-What's going on?
-Jack, what's wrong?
-Sorry, my hands are wet.
-Aye. Yep. Yep. They are.
Yeah, definitely are. So we know that. Let's go.
-It's not often we're caught with our pants down,
but, in this case, well, he was caught with, well, my pants down.
I don't understand what I've done wrong.
I'm just pleased that scum like that, due to our intervention,
can't run a club any more.
And I was happy to take one for the team.
Well, do one for the team.
When the public need the police,
long-serving desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar
is the go-to cop the public go to.
Service with a smile is something that I really aspire to,
and I like to think that my smile is the first thing
that welcomes someone into the station.
Officer Karen! Officer Karen!
All right, Officer Karen?
-Are you all right there?
-Aye, I'm all right.
Officer Karen, look what I found in a skip!
Whoa, Bobby. You need to take that out.
-I found it in a skip!
-You need to go.
-Outside, right now.
-Go, go, go!
-Have you got milk? Milk?!
-Just go, go, go!
Right, OK. See you. OK, sorry, Officer Karen.
-FIREWORKS WHISTLE AND POP
Approachability is my byword, my watch word,
and sometimes my failing.
..I think I've found some evidence.
Okie dokie, Bobby, give me a second to get my special pad.
There's a good chance it's just somebody's left something behind,
but where did you run across it?
No, somebody ditched it in a hedge down the canal when I was walking.
I'm sure it'll be nothing. It'll...
Well done, Bobby.
OK, you just need to bear with me a couple of minutes,
I just need to go and get a couple of bits of kit, OK?
You just stay there for me, and just make sure nobody touches it, OK?
I just need to get an evidence bag.
What did you do, Bobby?
I never done nothing.
-You opened the bag, didn't you, Bobby?
I'm not even going to lie to you, Officer Karen.
You set off the dye pack.
I set off the what?
The dye pack. These bags have dye packs in them.
So when someone who's not meant to open the bag
opens the bag, they get covered in dye,
and it makes it really easy for us to find the person that did it
because the dye doesn't go away for a couple of weeks.
A couple of weeks?! Are you kidding me on?
I'm going to be cutting about like a fat Smurf
for a couple of weeks?
I'm sorry, Bobby.
Oh, my God.
I look like a really bad Braveheart.
Just accept the blueness of your life for the next two weeks.
-We've both learned a valuable lesson here today, Bobby.
When I tell you not to open a bag, you don't touch the bag.
Right. I can see where you're coming from on that one.
-And I'm going to go now.
-DOOR BANGS OPEN
-See you later, Officer Karen!
-See you later, Bobby.
So we're asking the public, who are our friend, to be aware.
You know, we want the public to report something to us.
Even if that something turns out to be nothing, still report it.
You know? So we've got a campaign behind that.
Here's some of the choices.
"Do something about nothing."
I'm not convinced about that one. Little bit confusing.
Er, "Don't do nothing about something."
What do you think about that one? I think it...
I know, I agree, it's a wee bit...
I think it's the double negative that worries me about that one.
"Make nothing happen."
I saw you - instantly, you sunk. It's too downbeat, isn't it?
"Do nothing together."
I like "Do nothing together," I'll tell you. Um...
But I'm thinking, I don't know, is it a wee bit rom-commy?
It kind of smells of Sandra Bullock, that one, doesn't it?
So we won't have that one.
I think this is the boy for me, frontrunner certainly.
"Watch out for nothing."
Because it keeps the "be aware, be alert",
but also has the keyword of "nothing",
because, currently, that's what the Scottish Police Force stands for -
And I stand, front and centre, behind nothing.
When Scotland sees something, Scotland must say something...
Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?
..and the someone they say it to is Maggie LeBeau.
It's just, if I was kidnapped,
I think I'd be quite sure that I had been kidnapped.
Speaking to anyone and everyone,
sorting through everything,
Very often, the public don't know the correct terms
for crimes that they're trying to report.
So, sometimes, you get someone reporting a thing
which is not the thing that they think they're reporting.
No, a hit-and-run is very serious, sir.
You've done the right thing to call 999.
We're going to have a unit with you very shortly.
In the meantime, could you give me
a description of the vehicle that was involved?
OK, sir. Um...
So, a hit-and-run is when someone's hit by a car
and then the driver flees the scene,
but a young lad knocking on your door and then running away
is what we'd call chappy.
Could you appreciate the difference there?
Out in the country... COW MOOS
..Charlie McIntosh and Jane Mackay
are the fearless Wyatt Earps of the wild.
I'm being chased by a tractor!
They go off the beaten track to follow the moonshine trail.
Anyone down there?
There's swallies in them there valleys.
This is an actual distillery.
-This is a distillery.
-It doesn't look much like a distillery.
No, there's a group of guys,
they used to come up here from the village,
and they were distilling their own moonshine.
Yeah, they'd bottle it up. See, all these, and they'd make it,
they'd ferment anything they can find -
cabbages, cauliflowers, potatoes, turnips, beetroot -
mash it all together, ferments, bottle it up.
Like a smoothie?
-Well, a vicious smoothie.
You know, one that'll blow your head off.
-What are you doing?
-I'm just going to have a wee look.
No, it's really... Honestly, it's quite, quite severe.
-Do you want a hit?
-I wouldn't. No, well, we're on duty, so...
-I know, but we need to know that's definitely alcohol...
-..before we go looking for people.
-Ah, it's not my first...
-It's just a wee bit.
-It's just a wee bit.
-You're not scared, are you, Charlie?
"Moonshine Charlie", that'll be your new name.
Charlie, you don't need to actually... No, don't, er...
-Farah, that is...
Occasionally, you have to take a shot in the line of duty,
and Charlie did that.
You're not going to have a wee...?
-I'm on duty, I don't drink.
We left the bunker where we'd found the home-brew...
-Feeling a wee bit woozy, if I'm being completely honest.
Oh, Charlie, come on. Hang on...
-..and we stumbled across four postal workers
who were lying unconscious outside.
Charlie was also unconscious.
I nearly had to give him mouth-to-mouth,
but I called for an ambulance,
and, luckily, the paramedics arrived very quickly
-so it didn't need to come to that.
-Jane, Jane, Jane...
-That is my name.
-# Jane, Jane, Jane! #
The home-brew stuff, you have to understand,
is particularly potent, and, yes, I fell victim to the devil drink.
He's got blue hands!
It hit me hard.
I don't really remember what happened afterwards. I just...
Hopefully, didn't embarrass myself or humiliate myself in any way.
Not at all. Not at all.
It's a kissing gate.
-HE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS
You booze, you lose...
..your dignity, opportunities,
and quite a lot of your bladder, unfortunately.
Jane... Jane, I love you!
Oh, it's like the TARDIS.
A lot of people are claiming to be the fourth emergency service.
You know, you've got your AA, the coastguard claim it's them.
Honestly, I know a few stoners who claim that Domino's delivery pizza
is the fourth emergency service, you know?
Um, I guess it's all context. Isn't it?
I mean, if you're drowning,
then I guess the coastguard becomes the first emergency service.
Although, you know, just so you know, we can do that too.
We can be there for you. You know, we've got frogmen. So...
I think, more important debate is what's your one, two, three?
Now, taking them... Obviously, the police is one. We know that.
Firemen, now, listen, if you're going to praise the firemen,
you get behind me in the queue, OK?
Cos those boys are the bravest boys you're going to meet,
but they don't work that often, let's be...
let's be honest about it.
It's a lot of cleaning that van, a lot of ping-pong.
We've got a phrase in this game -
"show me a fireman that isn't good at Scrabble", you know what I mean?
That's the downside of those boys. Then you've got your ambulance.
Brilliant boys. First responders, OK?
That's you onto the scene first. When we arrive on the scene,
and go, "What happened here? Did the big bam hit the wee bam?"
they go, "Oh, no, it's nothing. We just treat...
"They're all humans to us." Imagine if we did that in court.
"Oh, it doesn't matter, we're all born equal."
We're not going to get anywhere.
So, weighing it all up, I would say, first place, police,
second place, police,
third place, fire and ambulance jointly.
Virtual crime needs a real crime-fighter.
Archie Pepper, cyberspace bam hunter.
I've been made Employee Of The Month.
Who else are you going to pick?
They should have given it to the computer system, really.
That's... It does all the work.
Archie's doing right by swiping right on the nation's wrong'uns.
Sometimes, for more serious crimes,
the perpetrators, they want to go underground.
Now, that obviously makes it more difficult for me,
but not impossible.
I'd say the most successful method
is to pose as someone on a dating website or app,
cos you might be underground, but you still want to have sex, and...
..though I am not going to have sex with you,
I can pretend to be someone
who can pretend to want to have sex with you.
I don't have to have sex with them.
Right? I want to make that very clear.
I'm still an investigator. I never leave the desk.
This is me creating my online dating profile to lure Tony Peterson,
the local gang kingpin.
The way I do that, usually just pick an attractive woman.
I don't know if you've looked on the internet -
there's quite a few on there.
I'm going for this one. Classic bikini shot.
Doesn't really matter if it's, like, a professionally-taken picture.
They don't seem to realise the difference between...
I mean, I've been to East Kilbride and I've not seen her.
So name? Go..."Emma".
Three of my ex-girlfriends are called Emma.
You can read into that what you want.
Pick an age. Er, 26?
Appeals across the board -
18-years-olds think they've got a chance.
They don't, but... Well, they do with her, cos it's me.
Interests? Interests is good to keep vague.
Basically, people think they've got a connection.
Like, if you say, "I like going to the cinema" -
"I like going to the cinema!"
Like, everyone likes going to the cinema, mate.
There he is, Tony Peterson.
"You look hot, baby."
Return the flirting. Um...
I don't even bother with words most of the time, it's a waste of energy.
I just... Emojis. The non-thinking man's words.
Let's just do four random emojis.
Straightaway, "Want to go out?"
Yes, I do, Tony.
I do want to go out with you, but not the way you think, sir.
Maybe... You just basically pick a location for the date.
Cinema would be great.
And then I'll just send the officers round there,
handcuff the guy, in the jail.
And he certainly won't see Emma88.
You are not going to Nando's, Tony.
In the Force, there's no better personification of dedication
than long-standing Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.
This...! Police! Argh! This is a bust!
Ken is still chasing his dream
of one day becoming an actual police constable.
At this stage, I've lost count of the amount of times I've applied.
You know, um... Got a lot of rejection over the years, but...
..it's my dream,
so I've always kept going with it.
Also, I applied to work at Bargain Warehouse just as a backup.
"Thank you for attending the recent interview for Store Assistant.
"Regret to inform you that, after careful consideration,
"you're no longer being considered."
Bargain Warehouse didn't want me.
Andrew Turley works at that Bargain Warehouse,
and let me tell you about Andrew Turley,
OK? He once took a jobbie in the playground.
His mum eats soap.
Now he's serving people and I can't.
Very next day, I received my letter from the police.
And I was... Opened it, and I thought,
"If Bargain Warehouse don't want me,
"there's no way the police want me."
But they did! Ha-ha!
I'm a real policeman!
Police Constable Ken Beattie.
Ever since I was a wee boy,
all I ever wanted was to be a real policeman...
..and now I am one.
So, now I'm on two years probationary.
How do I forward it? Do you just come over here, or...?
Er, no. Just press transfer.
You've got an image in your mind
of what you think it's going to be like.
And how do you put it on hold, Hamish? Is there a...?
-You just hit hold.
But it's even a million times better than that.
..and then I can...
I've not pressed hold.
You know, and essentially what I'm doing now,
I'm just like a volunteer officer.
Excuse me, young lady.
Do you mind putting that in the bin, please?
Except I actually get paid, and people listen to me.
This was my dream job, and it always has been.
I-I can't tell you how happy it makes me, you know?
I run into work, skipping and jumping.
Not literally, because that would look weird,
a real policeman skipping into work.
But every day, in my head...
..I am skipping.
When collecting clues to crack the toughest cases,
the Scottish Police Force counts on the detectives
of its Criminal Investigation Department.
-I'm DC Squire.
-I'm DC McGill.
These sleuths unearth the truths.
-Is that the McGann case files?
-That's them, yeah.
He never looks at me.
And as DC Andrea McGill is learning from her partner, Megan Squire,
it's a steep learning curve as you wise up to being streetwise.
I think what I've learned from DC Squire can't actually be taught.
It's something that I think you learn on the job,
and that's people skills.
I'm just going to record the interview
for the purpose of the tape.
Just to remind you once more, you are under caution.
This suspect was brought in, he was found at a raid, from...
A lot of stolen goods were found at this warehouse raid.
DC Squire isn't here at the moment,
so I'm just going to start the interview.
Unfortunately, I was actually looking at evidence from that raid,
and McGill had to take the questioning herself.
Could I please take your full name?
I says to you - Col'n Bert'm.
I couldn't understand a word he said.
To be fair, McGill was very much up against it, you know?
I managed to get his first name.
Colin... Colin Bear?
Bear?! No, I'm a Cel'ic man. Cel'ic man.
Hail, hail! Cel'ic man.
Let's... Let's just go with Colin for now.
The riverside warehouse on the 19th of March, can I just ask,
first of all, what you were doing there?
'S'like I says, 's'like I says to 'em,
all right, I wun't e'en mean'ta be there la'er.
It was th' start o' it. I was only mean'ta be at th' star', right?
but they's all shoutin' in the text an' all.
It wasnae a text - you know that WhatsApp?
-This was like...high-level bam talk.
-It was full-on.
SHE GABBLES INCOHERENTLY
-WhatsApp, says like that...
-Colin, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
-I was mean'ta be workin'...
-I'm going to need to stop you.
Can we just start...? Just a little bit slower?
I'm literally focusing right in on those lips?
-Just start one more time.
-Right. Here's the thing, right?
Thing is...can make it. Sa'urdays maist of the time...
And my wee dug, know what I mean?
Wee dug, you know, like a wee Shih-Tzu.
I don't... Have you ever played charades? Charades?
It's like you know how you do the film or the book, or the...
Yeah, need to do two syllables like that.
-Well, you do...
-Wee syllable, like that.
-Aye. You could.
My uncle can't do that, he's a junkie.
I tried blinking, I tried writing it down, I tried charades.
At one point, I even got him to draw, you know, like, a picture,
like they did on Art Attack, but, unfortunately,
I couldn't get any further.
Hi, there. For the benefit of the tape,
joining the interview is myself, DC Squire.
-Squire, I've had...
-With your hands.
I've had a wee... We've had a wee bit of a...
What's the matter? You look rattled.
I'm absolutely... I'm sweating buckets.
He was pretty indecipherable, to be honest.
It was pretty difficult, even for me,
and I'm used to doing it all the time. I'm used to the bam talk.
Right, it's OK. So what's his name? Let's get started.
-I've got Colin.
Now, you know why you're here, Mr Bertram?
You've got this down haven't you, at least?
-I couldn't get further than his name.
I've been looking at the stolen goods
-we retrieved from the raid that we were at.
nothin' do wi' me. Thought it was jus' cash in haun'.
That's what we thought. So we'll just put that down here.
How are you getting any of this?
It's just the bam chat. Just tune your ear in.
There is a wee bit of reputation that goes around the station -
she is called the Bam-Whisperer.
It's like a sixth sense, almost.
And who else? Could you give us names of your accomplices?
-Well, my big pal, wi' the WhatsApp, my big pal.
-We know him.
-His bra'r, Big Marco...
-Oh, Big Marco.
-How are you getting anything?
-It's his bra'r.
-It's his bra'r.
-It's his bra'r.
-His bra'r. Do that. Bra'r.
Yeah, it's all about learning, it's all about growing,
and we learn the lingo.
It's like when you go to Spain on holiday,
you do a wee bit of homework,
you learn a wee bit of the local lingo, you know?
Your gracias, your buenos noches.
So we learn the Scottish chat.
All right, troops, what's happening?
And when they start to bam us up, we just bang them up.
On the road to hell,
traffic officers Hugh McKirdy and Surjit Singh
are a combination made in heaven.
I think we're a cracking team together.
I would actually compare us a wee bit to a McFlurry.
You know, I'm the, kind of softer, sweeter, smoother,
ice cream part - he's the biscuit bit, the rough, tough,
and harder bit, and once they're mixed together, it's absolutely...
what a combination. Beautiful.
And these ice-cool cops get whipped up
when they see a driver has whipped out his mobile phone.
Still on it, look.
Sort him out.
My colleague, PC Hugh McKirdy here,
went out to talk to the young gentleman.
Right, sir, I'm going to need to get you to come out of the car.
I know, I know, I know, but, listen, I'm just on hold.
I'm just waiting to see if I'm going to be on the radio.
I don't care.
The driver was reluctant to put his phone down.
It turns out he was waiting to get on the Jeremy B £200 quiz,
and everybody and their dog's talking about it,
and I've actually tried myself to get through and do the quiz.
JEREMY B: Today's lucky caller is Bruce.
Let's hear the first legend.
MUSIC: We Like To Party by The Vengaboys
What are you doing?
It's only Jeremy B, ScotiaFM, for the £200.
JEREMY B: Name the song and the act.
We Like To Party (The Vengabus) by the Vengaboys.
-Well done, mate.
Naturally, when the questions began to be asked,
we were there, and we provided our knowledge on music.
-# Come on, Barbie, let's go party
-Ah, ah, ah, yeah
# I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
# Life is plastic... #
JEREMY B: What was the name of the Scandinavian pop combo's
number one follow-up single?
Is the correct answer!
Let's make things a tiny bit trickier.
Listen to this.
MUSIC: Fight The Power by Public Enemy
# Our freedom of speech is freedom or death
# We've got to fight the power... #
Is this your jam?
# Fight the power! #
Are you into all that?
Fight the power now and again. Yeah.
Which member of Public Enemy is famous for performing onstage
with a great big clock around his neck?
-I don't know, is it?
Whoa-ho! What are you all about?
You knew some of the answers, I knew some of the answers.
# I made up my mind... #
She had a really high beehive and that in the video.
A bit of a team effort.
MUSIC: American Idiot by Green Day
# Can't live... #
-It's a sad one, this.
-Aye, it is. It is a sad song.
# Can't live any more... #
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
-Can you do that?
-No. He looks like he's having a seizure.
That is the one.
It's "I Stop It, You Sing It".
# Anybody find me... #
# Somebody to lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ove! #
Well done! You are indeed a pop legend.
Well done. Well done.
A prize of 200 smackeroonies.
Yes, well done.
He actually won the £200.
-Oh, wow, thank you.
Congratulations, old boy.
Actually, we were delighted for the guy.
That's what people like to see, is the police helping the community,
-and that's what it was, it was unity in the community.
-There you go.
-Unity in the community. Team!
-Aye, indeed. Team!
-I need to get you in the back of the car.
As soon as the show was over, we were back to business.
-Lovely moment, but we need to go discuss it.
Oh, you're joking.
And he had his day in court, and, at the end of the day,
it all balanced out because his fine was £200.
I've got in my hand here, a letter from a human rights campaigner.
And, er... Objecting to the force's use of Tasers
in the fight against crime. There you go, right there.
Well, I'm afraid the Taser is an integral part of the police force.
But, no, they're very vocal.
"We don't like this, human rights," etc, etc, you know?
I tell you, they're not so vocal when someone breaks into their place
and takes a dump in their Aga.
What you've got to do with these people,
you've got to call their bluff.
I'm about to be tasered, to prove once and for all
that being tasered is safe, and the pain is brief and momentary.
In your own time.
Make it stop! Make it stop!
-Right, I hope that's...
..finally put this nonsense to bed.
It's perfectly safe, getting tasered.
Still a wee bit wobbly. I think it's low blood sugar more than anything.
Jean, have you still got the Christmas Quality Street?
Bams beware - the force is back on duty - and this bunch have got Scotland's back. It's all kicking off in the new series of the hit spoof documentary. The cops get an unwanted eyeful, a surprising faceful and a stupefying skinful. This episode introduces some new recruits - Megan Squire and Andrea McGill - plain-talking plain-clothes detectives - cops fully cognisant of the word on the street. Meanwhile, the series starts with a bang when Bobby fidgets with something explosive that officer Karen told him to keep his paws off.