Episode 2 Scot Squad


Episode 2

Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. The traffic cops tackle a dodgy driver, while the detectives smash a smuggling operation.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 2. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Coming up... a driver in a panic.

0:00:020:00:05

Can you step out of the vehicle, please?

0:00:050:00:06

Don't know how to turn the thing off yet.

0:00:060:00:08

A mother in a tizzy.

0:00:080:00:10

What is it? What is it, what's wrong?

0:00:100:00:11

It's my wee boy, he's fallen over. He can't get up.

0:00:110:00:13

OK. Look at me. Look at me.

0:00:130:00:15

And a VIP goes Triple X.

0:00:150:00:19

-Hey! Roy!

-I have looked all over the place for you.

0:00:190:00:22

If crime is society's sickness, then the Scottish Police Force

0:00:220:00:27

are the miracle cure, nailing villains with justice's hammer

0:00:270:00:31

and locking the rogues in Her Majesty's slammer.

0:00:310:00:34

My Uncle Jimmy's still in the jail because of you.

0:00:340:00:37

Aye, is that right, Daniel?

0:00:370:00:38

You'll be in there before you know it an' all.

0:00:380:00:40

This is...Scot Squad!

0:00:400:00:42

When it comes to how Scotland perceives its police force,

0:00:530:00:57

not even Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson can

0:00:570:01:00

keep 100% of Scots happy, 100% of the time.

0:01:000:01:06

You can't have a police force peopled entirely of officers

0:01:060:01:09

who look like me, however attractive that might sound.

0:01:090:01:12

The big man manfully mans up to his man-sized task.

0:01:120:01:17

So, the crime figures are tumbling...

0:01:170:01:19

-CHANTING:

-Chief, Chief, Chief! Out, out, out!

0:01:190:01:21

Chief, Chief, Chief! Out, out, out!

0:01:210:01:23

I'm sorry. Can you still hear me? This is...

0:01:230:01:24

They're not back, are they? Ah, here we go.

0:01:240:01:27

I'm the target of the women's protest people.

0:01:270:01:31

All because of an interview I gave to the press.

0:01:320:01:34

You probably saw it.

0:01:340:01:35

Big headline, "There will never be a woman chief - not on my watch,"

0:01:350:01:39

that's what they're saying I said.

0:01:390:01:41

I did say it, but completely taken out of context.

0:01:410:01:45

What I meant was, I'm the chief, you know?

0:01:450:01:49

There can't be a woman chief on my watch,

0:01:490:01:52

because I'm already the chief, the position is taken.

0:01:520:01:55

Now, back in the day, you know, it'd just be a wee placard

0:01:550:01:58

and you could bang someone up because they smelled of grass.

0:01:580:02:01

But, no, now, they all know their rights.

0:02:010:02:04

Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong.

0:02:040:02:06

People should know their rights.

0:02:060:02:07

It just makes our job a lot harder.

0:02:070:02:10

I don't know.

0:02:100:02:11

I mean, it's as Voltaire said,

0:02:110:02:13

"I may not agree with what you're saying, but I will die

0:02:130:02:16

"defending your right to say it,"

0:02:160:02:18

but I would just prefer if you said it about

0:02:180:02:20

ten miles out of town and you don't mind getting kettled, you know?

0:02:200:02:25

Once I'm dead, then you can have your women's chief.

0:02:250:02:27

From the M9 to the B817,

0:02:280:02:32

the Scottish Police Force ensures that Scotland's road users

0:02:320:02:36

get from A to B without a trip to A&E.

0:02:360:02:40

Nice feet for a guy, actually.

0:02:400:02:41

And that's the MO of PCs Hugh McKirdy and Surjit Singh.

0:02:410:02:46

People try and pull all sorts of things to try

0:02:460:02:49

and get out of getting points on their licence.

0:02:490:02:52

We had a couple speeding down the street, so we pulled them over.

0:02:520:02:56

Wrong window, sir. The front one, please.

0:02:570:03:00

-Thank you very much.

-Officer?

0:03:000:03:01

Almost immediately, I noticed that something was a little bit off.

0:03:010:03:05

-Can you step out of the vehicle?

-CAR HORN BEEPS

0:03:050:03:07

-Yeah, no problem.

-ENGINE REVS

0:03:070:03:09

New car, I don't know how to turn the thing off yet.

0:03:090:03:12

-OK. Could you switch the engine off, please?

-Yeah, sure.

0:03:120:03:14

CAR HORN BEEPS

0:03:140:03:15

Do you want to come over to the side? Thank you very much.

0:03:150:03:18

I start questioning him, you know,

0:03:180:03:20

he's a little bit wobbly, shall we say?

0:03:200:03:23

Yes. Are you feeling OK, sir?

0:03:230:03:25

-Absolutely fine.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

0:03:250:03:27

You seem a little bit erratic there.

0:03:270:03:28

-How are you?

-I'm good. I'm good.

0:03:280:03:31

That's when I asked my colleague, PC Hugh McKirdy here,

0:03:310:03:34

to bring out the breathalysers.

0:03:340:03:36

Just going to ask you to provide a specimen of breath.

0:03:360:03:39

-Just hold that for me a second.

-No worries.

0:03:390:03:41

No, no, that's not the breathalyser.

0:03:410:03:43

-Oh, I think there's just a bit of dust in there.

-Cheers. Thank you.

0:03:430:03:46

Just breathe in and go as fast as you can, OK?

0:03:460:03:49

-Keep blowing.

-Keep blowing, keep blowing, keep blowing.

0:03:490:03:51

-It seems to be...

-Zero.

-Then I'll be off.

0:03:510:03:53

He takes the test, comes up negative,

0:03:530:03:55

and something clicks in my mind.

0:03:550:03:57

-You know, I'm a smart wee cookie now and again.

-Mm-hm.

0:03:570:03:59

There's a sign down that road.

0:03:590:04:01

Could you just read that for me, please?

0:04:010:04:03

Tanning shop.

0:04:030:04:04

-The other side, sir. Cool.

-That one.

-Yeah.

0:04:040:04:07

Train station.

0:04:070:04:09

-What?

-OK. I'm just going to have a chat with your...

0:04:100:04:14

-Is that your missus in there?

-That's my wife, yeah.

0:04:140:04:16

Right, OK. I'll just have a chat with her.

0:04:160:04:18

If I ask you a question, if I ask you what that sign says,

0:04:180:04:21

and you look down that way, I know something's up.

0:04:210:04:23

So, sir, I've just found this in your car.

0:04:230:04:26

-It's a white stick. That's yours?

-That's my...

0:04:260:04:28

-That's your missus's?

-That's my wife's.

0:04:280:04:29

Sir, how many fingers am I actually holding up?

0:04:290:04:33

-Eh, three.

-I'm not holding up any.

0:04:330:04:35

Are you blind?

0:04:370:04:39

Eh...yeah.

0:04:390:04:42

I can understand why he's obviously speeding up a wee bit

0:04:420:04:44

when he's driving the motor. Can't read the signs.

0:04:440:04:47

He wasn't driving, Hugh.

0:04:470:04:49

-What?

-She was driving.

0:04:490:04:51

But...

0:04:510:04:53

His wife had been driving, but she had nine points on her licence.

0:04:530:04:57

Any more, that's it, her licence gone.

0:04:570:05:01

When we pulled them over, they switched seats.

0:05:010:05:04

Do me a favour, right? See this?

0:05:040:05:06

This is the only reason I can get a bird like that, right?

0:05:060:05:09

The blue badge. She loses the licence,

0:05:090:05:12

she loses the badge, she loses her parking,

0:05:120:05:14

I lose my bird.

0:05:140:05:16

She just wants that badge? What is it for?

0:05:160:05:18

So she can park up and go to her shops?

0:05:180:05:20

She can park... honestly, man, so close.

0:05:200:05:22

What about theme parks? Is she always getting up front?

0:05:220:05:24

Front of the queue, mate. Front of the queue.

0:05:240:05:26

-She doesn't...

-We did Alton Towers in two hours.

-What?!

0:05:260:05:29

I mean, both of them were stupid. I mean...

0:05:290:05:31

A blind man driving? I mean, I never saw that one coming.

0:05:310:05:34

He wasn't driving, though.

0:05:360:05:38

Oh, I keep forgetting he wasn't actually driving, was he?

0:05:380:05:41

-She was driving and they switched seats.

-Aye, I know.

0:05:410:05:43

The cops dish out the penalty points, and what do points make?

0:05:430:05:48

Disqualification!

0:05:480:05:50

Meanwhile, Karen Ann Millar stands solitary at her station,

0:05:510:05:56

keeping watch on the prairie and answering the call of the wild.

0:05:560:06:00

As the desk sergeant,

0:06:020:06:03

I no longer work with a partner,

0:06:030:06:04

I'm very much a lone wolf.

0:06:040:06:06

A lone she-wolf.

0:06:060:06:07

Have you got any peanut butter?

0:06:070:06:10

A wolf of solitariness.

0:06:100:06:12

I'm getting the smell of jobbie away, Officer Karen.

0:06:120:06:15

And, sometimes, this lone wolf could stand a bit more lone.

0:06:150:06:19

All right, Officer Karen?

0:06:220:06:24

Hello, Bobby, what can I do for you?

0:06:240:06:26

I hope I'm not too late.

0:06:260:06:27

What is it you're after?

0:06:290:06:30

It's to vote.

0:06:300:06:32

-Right.

-And it says go down to the station.

0:06:320:06:35

Yeah, Bobby, it's to the polling station. This is the police station.

0:06:350:06:40

Is it not the same thing, but? It's the government, isn't it?

0:06:400:06:44

See there, where it says you need to go up to the school? Right?

0:06:440:06:47

And then on the card there, it'll have a number,

0:06:470:06:49

it'll tell you which of the booths you go into,

0:06:490:06:51

and then you just go in and cast your vote in there, OK?

0:06:510:06:53

-It's in the school?

-Yeah.

0:06:530:06:55

Are kids allowed to vote?

0:06:550:06:57

No, you make a valid point.

0:06:580:07:00

They send them home today, just to prevent that.

0:07:000:07:02

If you head up just now and just go in,

0:07:020:07:04

there'll be people there, they'll show you where to go,

0:07:040:07:06

and you just make your vote and that's you done.

0:07:060:07:08

-And I vote for who I like?

-Yeah, it's entirely up to you.

0:07:080:07:11

That's what democracy is all about,

0:07:110:07:13

you get to decide who's going to be in charge.

0:07:130:07:15

Number one, obviously, would be Wesley Snipes.

0:07:150:07:19

You know, the guy out of Blade?

0:07:210:07:23

Yeah, I'm sure he would be very helpful in certain,

0:07:230:07:26

very specific circumstances,

0:07:260:07:27

but I don't know how good he's going to be at getting the bins out.

0:07:270:07:31

Number two...

0:07:310:07:32

Ainsley Harriot.

0:07:320:07:35

The TV cook.

0:07:360:07:38

I'm aware of his oeuvre, yeah.

0:07:380:07:41

He seems dead happy.

0:07:410:07:42

He looks like a lovely person.

0:07:420:07:44

Plus, if he was running the country, the foodbanks would be amazing.

0:07:440:07:48

I think, really, you're more supposed to go and get your polling

0:07:480:07:52

card and pick from the people who are standing in your area.

0:07:520:07:56

-I've got the power.

-You have got the power, Bobby.

0:07:560:07:58

This is like a golden ticket. I've got the golden ticket.

0:07:580:08:01

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

0:08:010:08:03

-But as politics.

-Yeah.

0:08:030:08:06

Keep the pen, because I'm absolutely buzzing for democracy. Am I right?

0:08:060:08:11

See you later, Officer Karen.

0:08:110:08:13

In today's Scotland,

0:08:140:08:16

very important people often mingle with normal people.

0:08:160:08:19

These VIPs are guaranteed an extra special welcome from the Scot Squad.

0:08:190:08:26

Ray McCoy is the special ops cop for the elite protection unit.

0:08:260:08:31

My name's Ray and I'll be saving your life today.

0:08:310:08:34

When Ray puts his best foot forward, he's got your back.

0:08:340:08:38

It's a pretty exciting job.

0:08:380:08:40

The training is almost as important as anything we'll do outside,

0:08:400:08:43

because we've got to be ready, we've got to be fighting fit.

0:08:430:08:46

The recent training we've been doing has been about...

0:08:460:08:48

I could say a very important person.

0:08:480:08:50

I mean, when it comes to Scotland, politics,

0:08:500:08:53

it's sort of as high as you can get.

0:08:530:08:56

I mean, I can't name her. Or him.

0:08:560:08:58

Eyes peeled, people.

0:08:580:09:00

You don't know where those threats are going to come from,

0:09:000:09:02

so we train using alien masks. Just to make it neutral.

0:09:020:09:08

But, of course, you've also got the added benefit of

0:09:080:09:10

we're prepared for aliens.

0:09:100:09:12

I mean, yes, the chance is minimal,

0:09:120:09:14

but minimal isn't zero,

0:09:140:09:18

and it's part of my job to think the unthinkable

0:09:180:09:20

and unthink the thinkable.

0:09:200:09:22

And this is the Monster.

0:09:220:09:25

It is fully armoured, bulletproof glass, of course.

0:09:250:09:28

All tinted for privacy.

0:09:280:09:29

A lot of people do some...well, whatever they want to do in there.

0:09:290:09:32

Round at the boot, we've got a full set of overalls for everyone,

0:09:320:09:36

can be used as a disguise, but, also,

0:09:360:09:38

coupled with that disguise, we've got a carpet.

0:09:380:09:41

I cannot tell you how many times I've managed to sneak someone out

0:09:410:09:44

of a building, dressed as a workman, with them wrapped in a carpet.

0:09:440:09:47

It has literally worked every single time.

0:09:470:09:50

Ray has all the tech at his fingertips,

0:09:500:09:52

all set to protect his protectees.

0:09:520:09:55

MUSICAL CHIMES PLAY

0:09:550:09:57

Why are we playing ice cream van music? Confusion.

0:09:570:09:59

And one very, very important person,

0:09:590:10:02

straddling the cutting edge of technology is the Chief.

0:10:020:10:05

One of the big issues is automation, going forward.

0:10:050:10:08

Because everything's getting automated.

0:10:080:10:10

Your banking, your cars, everything.

0:10:100:10:12

So, will the police ultimately be automated, is the question?

0:10:120:10:16

And the answer to that is yes, that is coming.

0:10:160:10:19

Robot policemen. Now, problem there is,

0:10:190:10:22

it's mainly one of perception.

0:10:220:10:24

Because, of course, I'm going to be the commander of a robot army,

0:10:240:10:29

and that, you know, that gets a wee bit Star Wars-y, you know?

0:10:290:10:33

It's just a wee bit dystopian.

0:10:330:10:35

Instantly, people get worried. So, perception.

0:10:350:10:38

What do we call it? We call it something else.

0:10:380:10:40

If you take something like Robocop - positive image,

0:10:400:10:43

Braveheart - positive image,

0:10:430:10:45

put the two together, you get, say, RoboHeart.

0:10:450:10:48

Now, suddenly, even your eyes lit up,

0:10:480:10:50

I could see that you're thinking, "Oh, yeah, that's OK."

0:10:500:10:53

"I've been burgled, call for RoboHeart."

0:10:530:10:55

Round he comes, everybody's happy.

0:10:550:10:57

Might even have ones with blue faces, wee bit of hair coming in.

0:10:570:11:02

And we can't be too far away from being able to take

0:11:020:11:06

all my knowledge and experience out of my brain

0:11:060:11:10

and download it onto a mainframe computer and preserve it forever.

0:11:100:11:14

My brain and my soul, my very essence,

0:11:150:11:18

so that I would be commander for all eternity, you know?

0:11:180:11:23

Now, is that dystopian, or is that just brilliant?

0:11:230:11:28

In the city, urban cops Sarah Fletcher and Jack McLaren

0:11:290:11:33

make an arresting sight on the streets.

0:11:330:11:37

I think the police uniform does look good.

0:11:370:11:38

Then, ie, I make it look good.

0:11:380:11:41

Ie, feel sorry for the police officers that don't have the ability

0:11:410:11:45

to make that uniform look good.

0:11:450:11:47

To protect all and serve all is what they are all about.

0:11:470:11:52

Irrespective of who you are, what you are,

0:11:520:11:54

it's our job to win hearts and minds in the community.

0:11:540:11:57

It doesn't matter your race, colour, creed,

0:11:570:12:01

we're there to help, you know?

0:12:010:12:03

Particularly if they're attractive looking women, in Jack's case.

0:12:030:12:06

Not especially, but obviously it doesn't matter

0:12:060:12:08

if you're ugly or average looking, I'll still help you,

0:12:080:12:11

but attractive looking women pay their taxes like everyone else.

0:12:110:12:14

You need to come and help me! It's my wee boy.

0:12:140:12:16

-What's wrong?

-He's fallen over, he can't get up.

0:12:160:12:18

-Is he conscious?

-Yes, he is.

0:12:180:12:19

He's twisted his leg and he can't get up.

0:12:190:12:21

It's OK. OK, OK.

0:12:210:12:23

My wee boy's fallen and twisted his leg and he can't get up and...

0:12:230:12:25

-OK. He's hurt his leg. Right, OK. OK.

-We'll get the paramedics.

0:12:250:12:28

-Look at me. Everything will be all right.

-Oh, good.

0:12:280:12:30

We're here to help. That's what you pay your taxes for.

0:12:300:12:32

The wee boy has hurt himself, I'll lift him up...

0:12:320:12:34

-Let's get the paramedics.

-We'll take him to the medical centre. It'll be much quicker.

0:12:340:12:38

-You do look strong, so that's good.

-Deceptively strong.

0:12:380:12:41

I'm so glad I found you, because I didn't know what to do

0:12:410:12:43

-and there's nobody else.

-Know what they say about paramedics?

0:12:430:12:46

They're not cops, are they? Eh? It's all right, that's our job.

0:12:460:12:49

We arrived at the scene to find the lady's son.

0:12:490:12:51

-Mum!

-The police are here.

0:12:510:12:53

The police are going to help you. This is my boy.

0:12:530:12:57

Bigger lad. Kind of an adult baby.

0:12:570:12:59

He was there, lying in a great deal of pain.

0:12:590:13:01

-Where is it sore on your leg?

-There.

0:13:010:13:03

There. So, you definitely can't stand, then, no?

0:13:030:13:06

-No, no, he can't.

-No...

-So he needs carried.

-Absolutely.

0:13:060:13:09

I said I would carry him to the health centre,

0:13:090:13:11

which was not a problem, I was still obviously willing to do that,

0:13:110:13:14

I just had to assess the situation.

0:13:140:13:16

I'll get you up, then I'll get you up onto my back, OK?

0:13:160:13:18

-OK.

-This is Jack.

-Jack.

0:13:180:13:20

He's a hero. Just pop that back on.

0:13:200:13:22

Let's get you to the doctor's, then, OK? 3, 2, 1!

0:13:220:13:25

Ah, ah, ah!

0:13:250:13:27

Oh, there we go.

0:13:270:13:29

Right, so, we're going to go, luckily, up the hill.

0:13:290:13:32

It'll just be... Just one foot in front of the other.

0:13:320:13:35

Come on, champ. I know. I know how to walk, cheers, Sarah.

0:13:350:13:38

Oh, such a relief, honestly.

0:13:400:13:41

-I mean, he's strong.

-He is strong, yeah.

0:13:410:13:44

-Are you all right, Jack?

-Aye, good.

0:13:440:13:46

He's doing well. He's doing well.

0:13:460:13:48

Pretty athletic, I like my sports and my sit-ups and that.

0:13:480:13:52

Do you like sports and athletics yourself?

0:13:520:13:54

Aye, my husband is an international rugby player, so...

0:13:540:13:56

-Your what?

-Aye, my husband.

-Husband?

0:13:560:13:59

Uh-huh. That's where he gets it from, you know?

0:13:590:14:01

You never mentioned his dad earlier, but.

0:14:010:14:04

No, honestly, it's not a problem. Honestly. It's fine.

0:14:060:14:09

Thank you so much. Honestly, I really appreciate it.

0:14:090:14:11

-Sarah! Sarah!

-Och, no, it's fine.

0:14:110:14:14

Oh!

0:14:140:14:15

-Sorry, I thought you were fine.

-I am fine.

0:14:150:14:18

Just worried about the wee man here not being able to get the gate.

0:14:180:14:21

-Are you all right there, son?

-I'm fine.

0:14:210:14:23

-No...

-Oh, him?

-Aye.

-Aye.

0:14:230:14:25

We got there in the end and got him to the health centre,

0:14:340:14:36

which is all that counts, really.

0:14:360:14:38

Jack, on the other hand,

0:14:380:14:40

spent a little bit longer in the health centre than the wee boy did.

0:14:400:14:45

Well, I sustained a lower back and a mid-back

0:14:450:14:48

and a sort of upper back injury.

0:14:480:14:50

It's an old injury through cage-fighting,

0:14:500:14:52

which I'm quite proficient at.

0:14:520:14:54

I think it was absolutely worthwhile helping them.

0:14:540:14:56

It's made them feel safer in the community,

0:14:560:14:58

and we're there to help as, kind of, first-aiders and heroes.

0:14:580:15:02

And there's more heroics on the agenda for Ray McCoy

0:15:040:15:08

as he provides TLC for a visiting VIP.

0:15:080:15:13

We essentially protect anyone who's important to Scotland.

0:15:130:15:16

There's a certain process that you go through

0:15:160:15:18

whenever we have these important dignitaries coming over,

0:15:180:15:21

so, for instance, I have to vet the hotel, the staff have to be vetted.

0:15:210:15:24

Large window...

0:15:240:15:26

Then I have to go into the rooms,

0:15:260:15:27

make sure that there's nothing untoward there.

0:15:270:15:30

Of course, you've got to strip a bed.

0:15:300:15:32

Stripping a bed, not hard.

0:15:320:15:34

Making a bed, however, 12-and-a-half seconds, boom, bed is remade.

0:15:340:15:38

Hospital corners, the lot. You want a little chocolate

0:15:380:15:41

on your pillow? I'm your man.

0:15:410:15:42

We are predominantly a plain clothes division,

0:15:420:15:45

and, so, our uniform is whatever it needs to be that day.

0:15:450:15:48

An example would be when the Pope was visiting,

0:15:480:15:50

a lot of people would think,

0:15:500:15:52

"Well, if you're going to disguise yourself with the Pope,

0:15:520:15:54

"where do you go? Priest? Cardinal?"

0:15:540:15:57

No. Nun.

0:15:570:15:59

I had to learn Latin for that job.

0:15:590:16:02

We just had the Deputy Prime Minister of the Netherlands over.

0:16:020:16:04

-Hello.

-Pleasure, Mr Deputy Prime Minister.

0:16:040:16:07

It's always nice to have our cousins from the Continent over to visit us.

0:16:070:16:10

He wanted to ride a bike. It's a very Dutch thing to do.

0:16:100:16:12

That's fine, of course we'll facilitate that.

0:16:120:16:15

Ah, here we go! You got the bikes! Excellent. Of course, great stuff.

0:16:150:16:19

OK, we're going to go for a bike ride,

0:16:190:16:20

I think it's a good thing. Reduce the carbon footprint.

0:16:200:16:23

Come on, now! See if you can keep up with me, Roy.

0:16:230:16:25

We...paramount, want him to be safe.

0:16:250:16:27

I'll ride next to him at all times on the bike.

0:16:270:16:29

We've also got a team behind us, who will be following us.

0:16:290:16:32

I see you've got a nice bike there, Roy.

0:16:320:16:35

I like your bike. Do you know what? Let's swap around.

0:16:350:16:37

This is a better bike. I like this bike.

0:16:370:16:40

It's always important, you know, to take what you want.

0:16:400:16:42

And this is actually much smaller, I'm going to go for that bike again.

0:16:420:16:45

This is much too small.

0:16:450:16:47

People have quirks.

0:16:470:16:48

So, each time I'm protecting someone, I'm given a package,

0:16:480:16:51

and in that, it's got a briefing

0:16:510:16:53

about the things they may and may not want to do.

0:16:530:16:55

For instance, the Deputy Prime Minister's had,

0:16:550:16:57

"I would like to ride a bike." Fine.

0:16:570:16:59

What it didn't mention is that the man has

0:16:590:17:01

an insatiable need for strippers.

0:17:010:17:04

From the people of the Netherlands to the noble people of Scotland...

0:17:040:17:07

From the people of the Netherlands to the noble people of Scotland...

0:17:070:17:11

From the people of the Netherlands to the noble people of Scotland...

0:17:110:17:14

Herr Struber? Are you all right?

0:17:140:17:16

Are you ready? Are you decent?

0:17:160:17:18

..Scotland. Scotland. Scotland. Scotland...

0:17:180:17:20

Or even in here?

0:17:200:17:22

He managed to trick me with a tape recording

0:17:220:17:24

of his voice on a Dictaphone.

0:17:240:17:26

Bollocks!

0:17:260:17:27

He then scaled out of a four-storey window

0:17:270:17:30

and ran off to the nearest strip club that he could find.

0:17:300:17:32

You better start checking out the local haunts.

0:17:320:17:35

Not ideal.

0:17:350:17:36

We tracked him down, though.

0:17:370:17:38

He was enjoying himself.

0:17:380:17:40

-You!

-Hey! Roy!

-I have looked all over the place for you.

0:17:400:17:44

Drinks for Roy!

0:17:440:17:45

-There are no drinks.

-Drinks for Roy.

0:17:450:17:47

-Don't get drinks for me.

-On the Netherlands government.

0:17:470:17:50

No, the Netherlands government has already texted me about this.

0:17:500:17:54

I'm terribly sorry.

0:17:540:17:55

No, don't take them away. I'm just doing electioneering.

0:17:550:17:58

After a bit of a discussion, I think

0:17:580:18:01

he came round to understanding why his need for safety was so...

0:18:010:18:05

I mean, I did slap him,

0:18:050:18:07

but I think after that, he got the idea that safety is paramount.

0:18:070:18:12

Show's over for Strubers.

0:18:120:18:14

The bodyguard protects his body from the most dangerous body

0:18:140:18:19

of them all - himself.

0:18:190:18:21

Out on the roads, Singh and McKirdy battle slashed budgets,

0:18:230:18:27

doing much more with much less, much more better.

0:18:270:18:32

It's no secret. There is budget cuts within the police.

0:18:320:18:35

Back in the day, our police cars were maintained weekly,

0:18:350:18:38

and we're finding it a lot more difficult to try

0:18:380:18:40

and keep on top of the police cars.

0:18:400:18:42

Mind that I've got that jam set for my mum's birthday, in there,

0:18:420:18:45

in that glove compartment.

0:18:450:18:47

Oh, no...!

0:18:470:18:49

-Mate, you know it's... The latch doesn't work.

-I forgot!

0:18:490:18:52

-It's stuck.

-Oh, you're kidding me on.

0:18:520:18:55

She loves her jams. She loves her jams.

0:18:570:18:59

Well, you're going to have to see if you can pry it open again.

0:18:590:19:01

The cuts are affecting us every way possible.

0:19:010:19:05

-All we need...

-It's even affecting my mum's birthday.

0:19:050:19:07

That was a great jam.

0:19:070:19:09

We're determined to keep the police car on the road,

0:19:090:19:11

so, sometimes we need to resort to actually doing it ourselves.

0:19:110:19:14

Sticking stuff together with a bit of duct tape.

0:19:140:19:16

We MacGyver the car.

0:19:160:19:18

R1 to control for registration check.

0:19:180:19:20

-RADIO CRACKLES

-That's not...

0:19:200:19:23

-DISTORTED VOICE ON RADIO

-Oh...

0:19:230:19:25

Could you stop contacting us through radio just now?

0:19:250:19:28

You're failing and it's... winding me up. Over.

0:19:280:19:32

Control, it's PC McKirdy here.

0:19:320:19:35

Aye, look, the reason why we can't reply

0:19:350:19:36

is this radio's still not working right.

0:19:360:19:38

Tell them about the glove compartment.

0:19:380:19:40

-Aye, well, it's not got to do with the glove...

-But it's a complaint.

0:19:400:19:43

-My mum's jam's in that glove compartment and I can't get it out.

-You don't need to say that.

0:19:430:19:46

Like my colleague PC Hugh McKirdy here says,

0:19:460:19:49

we might duct tape some things together, just to make sure

0:19:490:19:52

that it does hold together properly, and most of the time, that works.

0:19:520:19:55

Oh, oh, oh! No!

0:19:550:19:58

-Wait! Wait, stop! No, wait.

-No, no, no, no.

0:19:580:20:00

Turn round. The other way, the other way!

0:20:000:20:02

-Oh, come on...

-What's going on? What are you doing, man?

0:20:020:20:05

Right, you take him in. I'll sort this out.

0:20:050:20:07

I mean, we will resort to using various different things

0:20:070:20:10

to keep the car on the road.

0:20:100:20:12

I mean, I'm not saying we'll use our handcuffs

0:20:120:20:14

to hold the exhaust pipe together,

0:20:140:20:16

but we'll do anything in our means, anything in our power,

0:20:160:20:20

to keep the police car safe and professional looking.

0:20:200:20:22

So, I'm off to a Parliamentary Select Committee.

0:20:250:20:28

It's Penal Rehabilitation and Education.

0:20:280:20:30

It'll be me and a number of charitable foundations.

0:20:300:20:34

Just exchanging ideas about how best to reform

0:20:340:20:37

and help young offenders, and older offenders, not reoffend.

0:20:370:20:41

And...

0:20:410:20:42

Jean, is that Barbara Edwards?

0:20:430:20:46

Head of that charity.

0:20:460:20:48

That's not Barbara, is it?

0:20:480:20:49

Barbara Barbara? My Barbara?

0:20:490:20:52

It is?

0:20:520:20:53

HE EXHALES

0:20:550:20:57

Right...looks like we're going to meet my ex-wife.

0:20:570:21:00

GENERAL CHATTER

0:21:020:21:04

Hello.

0:21:040:21:05

Barbara.

0:21:070:21:08

Cameron.

0:21:090:21:11

Well, nice to see you.

0:21:110:21:13

Mm. Oh.

0:21:130:21:14

-Yes...

-Come on. Come on.

0:21:140:21:16

Good. How are you?

0:21:160:21:19

-I'm good. And you? You look well.

-Yes.

0:21:190:21:23

-Been dieting? It's worked.

-Yes. Well, you know...

0:21:230:21:25

Yeah, you've lost...

0:21:250:21:27

Back in the game, Barbara, back in the game.

0:21:270:21:29

-Well...

-And how are you, how's everything?

0:21:290:21:31

How's my house...the house... your house?

0:21:310:21:34

My house is... it's changed, actually.

0:21:340:21:37

-Has it?

-Yeah.

0:21:370:21:38

-So, you're doing OK financially? You're fine?

-Fine.

0:21:380:21:41

-You're absolutely fine.

-Finally.

0:21:410:21:42

Have you not got too much?

0:21:420:21:44

Too much money from me...? No?

0:21:440:21:46

-WHISPERS:

-I am not going to allow you to wind me up.

0:21:460:21:50

-So, I...

-I didn't start this. I didn't start this.

0:21:500:21:52

I didn't WANT this. Somebody ELSE wanted this.

0:21:520:21:55

Ladies and gentlemen, if you please.

0:21:550:21:57

-OK, yes.

-Thank you.

0:21:570:21:58

I'm going to my seat now.

0:21:580:22:00

Right. Yes. I'll see you later.

0:22:000:22:01

As long as we're not sitting together.

0:22:010:22:03

OK, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen...

0:22:030:22:08

The term "grass" isn't just applied to a drugs bust -

0:22:080:22:12

snitches provide vital info to DCs Squire and McGill,

0:22:120:22:16

clyping on criminals and dobbing in the dodgy.

0:22:160:22:20

Informants are a massive part of what we do.

0:22:200:22:22

Without informants, we couldn't have cracked

0:22:220:22:24

some of the biggest cases in Scotland's history.

0:22:240:22:26

We recently received information that an establishment

0:22:260:22:29

was being used to store and distribute illicit material.

0:22:290:22:32

This is... See, this is typical.

0:22:320:22:33

We get a tip-off and look where we're at.

0:22:330:22:35

A flipping funeral director's!

0:22:350:22:37

We went in and the place looked, you know, legitimate.

0:22:370:22:41

-They'd headstones and coffins, and it all looked very nice.

-Yeah.

0:22:410:22:43

And then, in walked this lovely young boy.

0:22:430:22:47

DC Squire. DC McGill.

0:22:470:22:48

-All right?

-And you are?

0:22:480:22:50

I'm Barry Greenhorn.

0:22:500:22:52

Barry Greenhorn?

0:22:520:22:53

Yeah. That's me.

0:22:530:22:56

Are you related to Billy Greenhorn at all?

0:22:560:22:58

Yeah, that's my uncle.

0:22:580:23:00

-Oh, your uncle?

-Uncle Billy.

0:23:000:23:02

Bingo. Right away, wee light bulb is going off in my head.

0:23:020:23:04

They're a very, very dodgy family, they're into everything,

0:23:040:23:08

so we played a wee bit of cat and mouse with him and stuff.

0:23:080:23:10

I didn't know that your uncle was involved in funeral parlours.

0:23:100:23:13

Oh, no, we've just branched into this. This is a new business.

0:23:130:23:17

-Oh, right, OK.

-New venture.

-Uh-huh.

-Oh.

0:23:170:23:19

I hope you don't mind me saying,

0:23:190:23:21

-you're quite young to be involved in this.

-Yeah.

0:23:210:23:23

-How old are you, Barry?

-I'm 17.

-17?

0:23:230:23:26

And how long have you been working in the funeral industry?

0:23:260:23:29

Just a couple of weeks, you know?

0:23:290:23:31

You seem pretty set out for a couple of weeks.

0:23:310:23:33

-Like, it seems pretty...

-Well, that's because...

0:23:330:23:36

..you know, organised.

0:23:360:23:37

..we care about burying people, and that's what we do.

0:23:370:23:40

And, Barry, can I ask you, are you solely in charge here,

0:23:400:23:43

or do you have a superior or a manager or...?

0:23:430:23:46

Well, I'm in charge when I'm here.

0:23:460:23:49

I can't speak for what goes on when I'm not here.

0:23:500:23:53

-Oh?

-Because I'm not here to see it.

0:23:530:23:56

You don't expect a 17-year-old to be the front of a funeral home.

0:23:560:23:59

I mean, you'd expect to see them in a burger joint.

0:23:590:24:01

To be fair, he did try, though.

0:24:010:24:03

I was drawn by these coffins over here.

0:24:030:24:05

-Oh, yeah, lovely coffins, yeah.

-Now, what's that made out of?

-Yeah.

0:24:050:24:08

That...that's made from wood.

0:24:080:24:10

-Wood.

-Uh-huh.

-Do you know what kind of wood?

0:24:100:24:13

-From a tree.

-Do you know what kind of tree?

0:24:130:24:16

A Christmas tree.

0:24:160:24:19

-Christmas tree.

-Yes.

0:24:190:24:20

I didn't know you could get coffins made out of...

0:24:200:24:22

I thought folks just dumped them in the back lane.

0:24:220:24:25

-Well, no, because...

-Folks make coffins out of them?

-We come round the back and we pick up all

0:24:250:24:29

the unused Christmas trees, and make a wee coffin.

0:24:290:24:31

-There you go. Like recycled coffins.

-That's it.

0:24:310:24:34

We're saving the planet, a dead person at a time.

0:24:340:24:36

-I'm kind of drawn to this one over here.

-No, don't...

-I like this one.

0:24:360:24:39

So, how do you get this open, then?

0:24:390:24:40

I wouldn't know, because I don't open coffins, I just close them.

0:24:400:24:43

-We'll give it a wee shoogle, will we?

-Just a wee lift up.

-Aye, McGill, come on.

0:24:430:24:46

I think it's broken. Oh...

0:24:460:24:48

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Barry...

0:24:480:24:50

Once we opened the coffin, we discovered a whole coffin

0:24:500:24:53

full of thousands and thousands of knocked-off cigarettes,

0:24:530:24:56

so, bull's-eye.

0:24:560:24:58

They can't all be for you.

0:24:580:24:59

They are. I'm a big smoker.

0:24:590:25:02

Barry, I'm going to put it to you that this might be a wee front.

0:25:020:25:05

-What do you think?

-I think it's definitely a front.

-It's not a front.

0:25:050:25:08

Are you fronting this shop for your uncle?

0:25:080:25:10

No... No...

0:25:100:25:12

In some ways, actually, it's quite clever, because who's going

0:25:120:25:15

to think that cigarettes and drugs are going about in a hearse?

0:25:150:25:17

-I mean, you just wouldn't.

-Even though Barry was 17, it's still a crime,

0:25:170:25:20

we still have to take him in. He's a young boy,

0:25:200:25:23

but we've got to do our job. And we did let him phone his mum.

0:25:230:25:25

Right, watch your napper.

0:25:270:25:29

At the end of the shift, there's a great satisfaction.

0:25:290:25:32

I think you just feel a wee bit that, you know, the streets

0:25:320:25:34

are a wee bit cleaner, the city's, you know, a safer place,

0:25:340:25:38

and all-in-all, I think it makes the world a better place,

0:25:380:25:41

that we've done our job.

0:25:410:25:43

And you're one step closer to that police pension.

0:25:430:25:46

Back at the Select Committee on rehabilitation,

0:25:460:25:49

inter-agency tension is running high.

0:25:490:25:53

To kick us off, I wonder if I could ask you a little bit

0:25:530:25:56

about the importance of giving someone a second chance.

0:25:560:26:00

Depends on the crime.

0:26:000:26:02

We all make mistakes, and for all of us

0:26:020:26:05

sitting in our ivory towers, in our uniforms, it's very difficult

0:26:050:26:11

sometimes to come down out of that tower and understand why.

0:26:110:26:15

Boredom, being neglected,

0:26:150:26:19

being under-stimulated,

0:26:190:26:21

and being taken for granted.

0:26:210:26:23

It's the snowflake generation once again. Here we go.

0:26:230:26:26

It's just, "Oh, I didn't... No-one took me on holiday."

0:26:260:26:29

Just because the criminal's husband, just because he's away

0:26:290:26:32

for the weekend, doesn't mean that the criminal should commit

0:26:320:26:34

the crime while he's gone on a fact-finding trip to Bournemouth.

0:26:340:26:39

Facts established, both parties seek out common ground.

0:26:390:26:43

I think it's absolutely necessary for the sake of all

0:26:430:26:45

involved that we work together.

0:26:450:26:48

Well, we can get back there. It's hard...

0:26:480:26:51

-Can be. Sometimes.

-Sometimes it has to be hard.

0:26:530:26:56

And sometimes it's going to get harder before you know which way...

0:26:560:27:00

Exactly, that's what I'm saying, if we work together,

0:27:000:27:02

that's when you can get it hardest of all.

0:27:020:27:05

Rehabilitation becomes possible

0:27:050:27:07

as official bodies move closer together.

0:27:070:27:10

I believe that if we're easing the offender back into society,

0:27:100:27:15

-maybe there could be the occasional...

-Probationary period...

0:27:150:27:18

Like a weekend. Maybe they get together,

0:27:180:27:20

-you know, at weekends.

-Good idea.

0:27:200:27:21

It's important to have the offender passionate about

0:27:210:27:23

that rehabilitation, is it? Do you...?

0:27:230:27:26

I think you take that passion, and we have to now, you know,

0:27:260:27:29

handle it, if you like, you know, we have to shape it and deal with it.

0:27:290:27:33

-Together.

-Together.

0:27:330:27:35

Two-handed approach.

0:27:350:27:36

And they may even be better at... Who knows?

0:27:360:27:39

-Exactly.

-Who knows?

0:27:390:27:41

It might be better. You don't know. Only one way of finding out.

0:27:410:27:44

Some of these boys have learned stuff inside

0:27:440:27:46

that's made them even better.

0:27:460:27:48

With new positions agreed...

0:27:480:27:50

Thank you very much for this session.

0:27:500:27:52

..all parties come to a satisfying conclusion.

0:27:520:27:56

More than it is a question of...

0:27:560:27:59

..a question of...

0:28:030:28:04

Sorry, could you excuse me just a moment?

0:28:050:28:07

I'll... But, yes, I think you're right, it's hard.

0:28:070:28:10

It's very...

0:28:100:28:12

It's very hard.

0:28:140:28:15

Hey, that was a Select Committee!

0:28:180:28:21

Exhausting, though, I'll tell you. But worth it.

0:28:210:28:24

Excellent. Spring in my step. Got the juices flowing.

0:28:240:28:27

Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. The traffic cops tackle a dodgy driver, the detectives smash a smuggling operation, and the Chief bravely faces up to encountering his ex-wife. We learn more about SPF special ops as a very important dignitary requires a level of protection that's way beyond the call of duty. And PC Jack McLaren steps in to help out using what could only be described as extreme piggy-backing.


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS