Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. The traffic cops tackle a dodgy driver, while the detectives smash a smuggling operation.
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Coming up... a driver in a panic.
Can you step out of the vehicle, please?
Don't know how to turn the thing off yet.
A mother in a tizzy.
What is it? What is it, what's wrong?
It's my wee boy, he's fallen over. He can't get up.
OK. Look at me. Look at me.
And a VIP goes Triple X.
-I have looked all over the place for you.
If crime is society's sickness, then the Scottish Police Force
are the miracle cure, nailing villains with justice's hammer
and locking the rogues in Her Majesty's slammer.
My Uncle Jimmy's still in the jail because of you.
Aye, is that right, Daniel?
You'll be in there before you know it an' all.
This is...Scot Squad!
When it comes to how Scotland perceives its police force,
not even Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson can
keep 100% of Scots happy, 100% of the time.
You can't have a police force peopled entirely of officers
who look like me, however attractive that might sound.
The big man manfully mans up to his man-sized task.
So, the crime figures are tumbling...
-Chief, Chief, Chief! Out, out, out!
Chief, Chief, Chief! Out, out, out!
I'm sorry. Can you still hear me? This is...
They're not back, are they? Ah, here we go.
I'm the target of the women's protest people.
All because of an interview I gave to the press.
You probably saw it.
Big headline, "There will never be a woman chief - not on my watch,"
that's what they're saying I said.
I did say it, but completely taken out of context.
What I meant was, I'm the chief, you know?
There can't be a woman chief on my watch,
because I'm already the chief, the position is taken.
Now, back in the day, you know, it'd just be a wee placard
and you could bang someone up because they smelled of grass.
But, no, now, they all know their rights.
Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong.
People should know their rights.
It just makes our job a lot harder.
I don't know.
I mean, it's as Voltaire said,
"I may not agree with what you're saying, but I will die
"defending your right to say it,"
but I would just prefer if you said it about
ten miles out of town and you don't mind getting kettled, you know?
Once I'm dead, then you can have your women's chief.
From the M9 to the B817,
the Scottish Police Force ensures that Scotland's road users
get from A to B without a trip to A&E.
Nice feet for a guy, actually.
And that's the MO of PCs Hugh McKirdy and Surjit Singh.
People try and pull all sorts of things to try
and get out of getting points on their licence.
We had a couple speeding down the street, so we pulled them over.
Wrong window, sir. The front one, please.
-Thank you very much.
Almost immediately, I noticed that something was a little bit off.
-Can you step out of the vehicle?
-CAR HORN BEEPS
-Yeah, no problem.
New car, I don't know how to turn the thing off yet.
-OK. Could you switch the engine off, please?
CAR HORN BEEPS
Do you want to come over to the side? Thank you very much.
I start questioning him, you know,
he's a little bit wobbly, shall we say?
Yes. Are you feeling OK, sir?
-Are you sure?
You seem a little bit erratic there.
-How are you?
-I'm good. I'm good.
That's when I asked my colleague, PC Hugh McKirdy here,
to bring out the breathalysers.
Just going to ask you to provide a specimen of breath.
-Just hold that for me a second.
No, no, that's not the breathalyser.
-Oh, I think there's just a bit of dust in there.
-Cheers. Thank you.
Just breathe in and go as fast as you can, OK?
-Keep blowing, keep blowing, keep blowing.
-It seems to be...
-Then I'll be off.
He takes the test, comes up negative,
and something clicks in my mind.
-You know, I'm a smart wee cookie now and again.
There's a sign down that road.
Could you just read that for me, please?
-The other side, sir. Cool.
-OK. I'm just going to have a chat with your...
-Is that your missus in there?
-That's my wife, yeah.
Right, OK. I'll just have a chat with her.
If I ask you a question, if I ask you what that sign says,
and you look down that way, I know something's up.
So, sir, I've just found this in your car.
-It's a white stick. That's yours?
-That's your missus's?
-That's my wife's.
Sir, how many fingers am I actually holding up?
-I'm not holding up any.
Are you blind?
I can understand why he's obviously speeding up a wee bit
when he's driving the motor. Can't read the signs.
He wasn't driving, Hugh.
-She was driving.
His wife had been driving, but she had nine points on her licence.
Any more, that's it, her licence gone.
When we pulled them over, they switched seats.
Do me a favour, right? See this?
This is the only reason I can get a bird like that, right?
The blue badge. She loses the licence,
she loses the badge, she loses her parking,
I lose my bird.
She just wants that badge? What is it for?
So she can park up and go to her shops?
She can park... honestly, man, so close.
What about theme parks? Is she always getting up front?
Front of the queue, mate. Front of the queue.
-We did Alton Towers in two hours.
I mean, both of them were stupid. I mean...
A blind man driving? I mean, I never saw that one coming.
He wasn't driving, though.
Oh, I keep forgetting he wasn't actually driving, was he?
-She was driving and they switched seats.
-Aye, I know.
The cops dish out the penalty points, and what do points make?
Meanwhile, Karen Ann Millar stands solitary at her station,
keeping watch on the prairie and answering the call of the wild.
As the desk sergeant,
I no longer work with a partner,
I'm very much a lone wolf.
A lone she-wolf.
Have you got any peanut butter?
A wolf of solitariness.
I'm getting the smell of jobbie away, Officer Karen.
And, sometimes, this lone wolf could stand a bit more lone.
All right, Officer Karen?
Hello, Bobby, what can I do for you?
I hope I'm not too late.
What is it you're after?
It's to vote.
-And it says go down to the station.
Yeah, Bobby, it's to the polling station. This is the police station.
Is it not the same thing, but? It's the government, isn't it?
See there, where it says you need to go up to the school? Right?
And then on the card there, it'll have a number,
it'll tell you which of the booths you go into,
and then you just go in and cast your vote in there, OK?
-It's in the school?
Are kids allowed to vote?
No, you make a valid point.
They send them home today, just to prevent that.
If you head up just now and just go in,
there'll be people there, they'll show you where to go,
and you just make your vote and that's you done.
-And I vote for who I like?
-Yeah, it's entirely up to you.
That's what democracy is all about,
you get to decide who's going to be in charge.
Number one, obviously, would be Wesley Snipes.
You know, the guy out of Blade?
Yeah, I'm sure he would be very helpful in certain,
very specific circumstances,
but I don't know how good he's going to be at getting the bins out.
The TV cook.
I'm aware of his oeuvre, yeah.
He seems dead happy.
He looks like a lovely person.
Plus, if he was running the country, the foodbanks would be amazing.
I think, really, you're more supposed to go and get your polling
card and pick from the people who are standing in your area.
-I've got the power.
-You have got the power, Bobby.
This is like a golden ticket. I've got the golden ticket.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.
-But as politics.
Keep the pen, because I'm absolutely buzzing for democracy. Am I right?
See you later, Officer Karen.
In today's Scotland,
very important people often mingle with normal people.
These VIPs are guaranteed an extra special welcome from the Scot Squad.
Ray McCoy is the special ops cop for the elite protection unit.
My name's Ray and I'll be saving your life today.
When Ray puts his best foot forward, he's got your back.
It's a pretty exciting job.
The training is almost as important as anything we'll do outside,
because we've got to be ready, we've got to be fighting fit.
The recent training we've been doing has been about...
I could say a very important person.
I mean, when it comes to Scotland, politics,
it's sort of as high as you can get.
I mean, I can't name her. Or him.
Eyes peeled, people.
You don't know where those threats are going to come from,
so we train using alien masks. Just to make it neutral.
But, of course, you've also got the added benefit of
we're prepared for aliens.
I mean, yes, the chance is minimal,
but minimal isn't zero,
and it's part of my job to think the unthinkable
and unthink the thinkable.
And this is the Monster.
It is fully armoured, bulletproof glass, of course.
All tinted for privacy.
A lot of people do some...well, whatever they want to do in there.
Round at the boot, we've got a full set of overalls for everyone,
can be used as a disguise, but, also,
coupled with that disguise, we've got a carpet.
I cannot tell you how many times I've managed to sneak someone out
of a building, dressed as a workman, with them wrapped in a carpet.
It has literally worked every single time.
Ray has all the tech at his fingertips,
all set to protect his protectees.
MUSICAL CHIMES PLAY
Why are we playing ice cream van music? Confusion.
And one very, very important person,
straddling the cutting edge of technology is the Chief.
One of the big issues is automation, going forward.
Because everything's getting automated.
Your banking, your cars, everything.
So, will the police ultimately be automated, is the question?
And the answer to that is yes, that is coming.
Robot policemen. Now, problem there is,
it's mainly one of perception.
Because, of course, I'm going to be the commander of a robot army,
and that, you know, that gets a wee bit Star Wars-y, you know?
It's just a wee bit dystopian.
Instantly, people get worried. So, perception.
What do we call it? We call it something else.
If you take something like Robocop - positive image,
Braveheart - positive image,
put the two together, you get, say, RoboHeart.
Now, suddenly, even your eyes lit up,
I could see that you're thinking, "Oh, yeah, that's OK."
"I've been burgled, call for RoboHeart."
Round he comes, everybody's happy.
Might even have ones with blue faces, wee bit of hair coming in.
And we can't be too far away from being able to take
all my knowledge and experience out of my brain
and download it onto a mainframe computer and preserve it forever.
My brain and my soul, my very essence,
so that I would be commander for all eternity, you know?
Now, is that dystopian, or is that just brilliant?
In the city, urban cops Sarah Fletcher and Jack McLaren
make an arresting sight on the streets.
I think the police uniform does look good.
Then, ie, I make it look good.
Ie, feel sorry for the police officers that don't have the ability
to make that uniform look good.
To protect all and serve all is what they are all about.
Irrespective of who you are, what you are,
it's our job to win hearts and minds in the community.
It doesn't matter your race, colour, creed,
we're there to help, you know?
Particularly if they're attractive looking women, in Jack's case.
Not especially, but obviously it doesn't matter
if you're ugly or average looking, I'll still help you,
but attractive looking women pay their taxes like everyone else.
You need to come and help me! It's my wee boy.
-He's fallen over, he can't get up.
-Is he conscious?
-Yes, he is.
He's twisted his leg and he can't get up.
It's OK. OK, OK.
My wee boy's fallen and twisted his leg and he can't get up and...
-OK. He's hurt his leg. Right, OK. OK.
-We'll get the paramedics.
-Look at me. Everything will be all right.
We're here to help. That's what you pay your taxes for.
The wee boy has hurt himself, I'll lift him up...
-Let's get the paramedics.
-We'll take him to the medical centre. It'll be much quicker.
-You do look strong, so that's good.
I'm so glad I found you, because I didn't know what to do
-and there's nobody else.
-Know what they say about paramedics?
They're not cops, are they? Eh? It's all right, that's our job.
We arrived at the scene to find the lady's son.
-The police are here.
The police are going to help you. This is my boy.
Bigger lad. Kind of an adult baby.
He was there, lying in a great deal of pain.
-Where is it sore on your leg?
There. So, you definitely can't stand, then, no?
-No, no, he can't.
-So he needs carried.
I said I would carry him to the health centre,
which was not a problem, I was still obviously willing to do that,
I just had to assess the situation.
I'll get you up, then I'll get you up onto my back, OK?
-This is Jack.
He's a hero. Just pop that back on.
Let's get you to the doctor's, then, OK? 3, 2, 1!
Ah, ah, ah!
Oh, there we go.
Right, so, we're going to go, luckily, up the hill.
It'll just be... Just one foot in front of the other.
Come on, champ. I know. I know how to walk, cheers, Sarah.
Oh, such a relief, honestly.
-I mean, he's strong.
-He is strong, yeah.
-Are you all right, Jack?
He's doing well. He's doing well.
Pretty athletic, I like my sports and my sit-ups and that.
Do you like sports and athletics yourself?
Aye, my husband is an international rugby player, so...
-Aye, my husband.
Uh-huh. That's where he gets it from, you know?
You never mentioned his dad earlier, but.
No, honestly, it's not a problem. Honestly. It's fine.
Thank you so much. Honestly, I really appreciate it.
-Och, no, it's fine.
-Sorry, I thought you were fine.
-I am fine.
Just worried about the wee man here not being able to get the gate.
-Are you all right there, son?
We got there in the end and got him to the health centre,
which is all that counts, really.
Jack, on the other hand,
spent a little bit longer in the health centre than the wee boy did.
Well, I sustained a lower back and a mid-back
and a sort of upper back injury.
It's an old injury through cage-fighting,
which I'm quite proficient at.
I think it was absolutely worthwhile helping them.
It's made them feel safer in the community,
and we're there to help as, kind of, first-aiders and heroes.
And there's more heroics on the agenda for Ray McCoy
as he provides TLC for a visiting VIP.
We essentially protect anyone who's important to Scotland.
There's a certain process that you go through
whenever we have these important dignitaries coming over,
so, for instance, I have to vet the hotel, the staff have to be vetted.
Then I have to go into the rooms,
make sure that there's nothing untoward there.
Of course, you've got to strip a bed.
Stripping a bed, not hard.
Making a bed, however, 12-and-a-half seconds, boom, bed is remade.
Hospital corners, the lot. You want a little chocolate
on your pillow? I'm your man.
We are predominantly a plain clothes division,
and, so, our uniform is whatever it needs to be that day.
An example would be when the Pope was visiting,
a lot of people would think,
"Well, if you're going to disguise yourself with the Pope,
"where do you go? Priest? Cardinal?"
I had to learn Latin for that job.
We just had the Deputy Prime Minister of the Netherlands over.
-Pleasure, Mr Deputy Prime Minister.
It's always nice to have our cousins from the Continent over to visit us.
He wanted to ride a bike. It's a very Dutch thing to do.
That's fine, of course we'll facilitate that.
Ah, here we go! You got the bikes! Excellent. Of course, great stuff.
OK, we're going to go for a bike ride,
I think it's a good thing. Reduce the carbon footprint.
Come on, now! See if you can keep up with me, Roy.
We...paramount, want him to be safe.
I'll ride next to him at all times on the bike.
We've also got a team behind us, who will be following us.
I see you've got a nice bike there, Roy.
I like your bike. Do you know what? Let's swap around.
This is a better bike. I like this bike.
It's always important, you know, to take what you want.
And this is actually much smaller, I'm going to go for that bike again.
This is much too small.
People have quirks.
So, each time I'm protecting someone, I'm given a package,
and in that, it's got a briefing
about the things they may and may not want to do.
For instance, the Deputy Prime Minister's had,
"I would like to ride a bike." Fine.
What it didn't mention is that the man has
an insatiable need for strippers.
From the people of the Netherlands to the noble people of Scotland...
From the people of the Netherlands to the noble people of Scotland...
From the people of the Netherlands to the noble people of Scotland...
Herr Struber? Are you all right?
Are you ready? Are you decent?
..Scotland. Scotland. Scotland. Scotland...
Or even in here?
He managed to trick me with a tape recording
of his voice on a Dictaphone.
He then scaled out of a four-storey window
and ran off to the nearest strip club that he could find.
You better start checking out the local haunts.
We tracked him down, though.
He was enjoying himself.
-I have looked all over the place for you.
Drinks for Roy!
-There are no drinks.
-Drinks for Roy.
-Don't get drinks for me.
-On the Netherlands government.
No, the Netherlands government has already texted me about this.
I'm terribly sorry.
No, don't take them away. I'm just doing electioneering.
After a bit of a discussion, I think
he came round to understanding why his need for safety was so...
I mean, I did slap him,
but I think after that, he got the idea that safety is paramount.
Show's over for Strubers.
The bodyguard protects his body from the most dangerous body
of them all - himself.
Out on the roads, Singh and McKirdy battle slashed budgets,
doing much more with much less, much more better.
It's no secret. There is budget cuts within the police.
Back in the day, our police cars were maintained weekly,
and we're finding it a lot more difficult to try
and keep on top of the police cars.
Mind that I've got that jam set for my mum's birthday, in there,
in that glove compartment.
-Mate, you know it's... The latch doesn't work.
-Oh, you're kidding me on.
She loves her jams. She loves her jams.
Well, you're going to have to see if you can pry it open again.
The cuts are affecting us every way possible.
-All we need...
-It's even affecting my mum's birthday.
That was a great jam.
We're determined to keep the police car on the road,
so, sometimes we need to resort to actually doing it ourselves.
Sticking stuff together with a bit of duct tape.
We MacGyver the car.
R1 to control for registration check.
-DISTORTED VOICE ON RADIO
Could you stop contacting us through radio just now?
You're failing and it's... winding me up. Over.
Control, it's PC McKirdy here.
Aye, look, the reason why we can't reply
is this radio's still not working right.
Tell them about the glove compartment.
-Aye, well, it's not got to do with the glove...
-But it's a complaint.
-My mum's jam's in that glove compartment and I can't get it out.
-You don't need to say that.
Like my colleague PC Hugh McKirdy here says,
we might duct tape some things together, just to make sure
that it does hold together properly, and most of the time, that works.
Oh, oh, oh! No!
-Wait! Wait, stop! No, wait.
-No, no, no, no.
Turn round. The other way, the other way!
-Oh, come on...
-What's going on? What are you doing, man?
Right, you take him in. I'll sort this out.
I mean, we will resort to using various different things
to keep the car on the road.
I mean, I'm not saying we'll use our handcuffs
to hold the exhaust pipe together,
but we'll do anything in our means, anything in our power,
to keep the police car safe and professional looking.
So, I'm off to a Parliamentary Select Committee.
It's Penal Rehabilitation and Education.
It'll be me and a number of charitable foundations.
Just exchanging ideas about how best to reform
and help young offenders, and older offenders, not reoffend.
Jean, is that Barbara Edwards?
Head of that charity.
That's not Barbara, is it?
Barbara Barbara? My Barbara?
Right...looks like we're going to meet my ex-wife.
Well, nice to see you.
-Come on. Come on.
Good. How are you?
-I'm good. And you? You look well.
-Been dieting? It's worked.
-Yes. Well, you know...
Yeah, you've lost...
Back in the game, Barbara, back in the game.
-And how are you, how's everything?
How's my house...the house... your house?
My house is... it's changed, actually.
-So, you're doing OK financially? You're fine?
-You're absolutely fine.
Have you not got too much?
Too much money from me...? No?
-I am not going to allow you to wind me up.
-I didn't start this. I didn't start this.
I didn't WANT this. Somebody ELSE wanted this.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you please.
I'm going to my seat now.
Right. Yes. I'll see you later.
As long as we're not sitting together.
OK, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen...
The term "grass" isn't just applied to a drugs bust -
snitches provide vital info to DCs Squire and McGill,
clyping on criminals and dobbing in the dodgy.
Informants are a massive part of what we do.
Without informants, we couldn't have cracked
some of the biggest cases in Scotland's history.
We recently received information that an establishment
was being used to store and distribute illicit material.
This is... See, this is typical.
We get a tip-off and look where we're at.
A flipping funeral director's!
We went in and the place looked, you know, legitimate.
-They'd headstones and coffins, and it all looked very nice.
And then, in walked this lovely young boy.
DC Squire. DC McGill.
-And you are?
I'm Barry Greenhorn.
Yeah. That's me.
Are you related to Billy Greenhorn at all?
Yeah, that's my uncle.
-Oh, your uncle?
Bingo. Right away, wee light bulb is going off in my head.
They're a very, very dodgy family, they're into everything,
so we played a wee bit of cat and mouse with him and stuff.
I didn't know that your uncle was involved in funeral parlours.
Oh, no, we've just branched into this. This is a new business.
-Oh, right, OK.
I hope you don't mind me saying,
-you're quite young to be involved in this.
-How old are you, Barry?
And how long have you been working in the funeral industry?
Just a couple of weeks, you know?
You seem pretty set out for a couple of weeks.
-Like, it seems pretty...
-Well, that's because...
..you know, organised.
..we care about burying people, and that's what we do.
And, Barry, can I ask you, are you solely in charge here,
or do you have a superior or a manager or...?
Well, I'm in charge when I'm here.
I can't speak for what goes on when I'm not here.
-Because I'm not here to see it.
You don't expect a 17-year-old to be the front of a funeral home.
I mean, you'd expect to see them in a burger joint.
To be fair, he did try, though.
I was drawn by these coffins over here.
-Oh, yeah, lovely coffins, yeah.
-Now, what's that made out of?
That...that's made from wood.
-Do you know what kind of wood?
-From a tree.
-Do you know what kind of tree?
A Christmas tree.
I didn't know you could get coffins made out of...
I thought folks just dumped them in the back lane.
-Well, no, because...
-Folks make coffins out of them?
-We come round the back and we pick up all
the unused Christmas trees, and make a wee coffin.
-There you go. Like recycled coffins.
We're saving the planet, a dead person at a time.
-I'm kind of drawn to this one over here.
-I like this one.
So, how do you get this open, then?
I wouldn't know, because I don't open coffins, I just close them.
-We'll give it a wee shoogle, will we?
-Just a wee lift up.
-Aye, McGill, come on.
I think it's broken. Oh...
Once we opened the coffin, we discovered a whole coffin
full of thousands and thousands of knocked-off cigarettes,
They can't all be for you.
They are. I'm a big smoker.
Barry, I'm going to put it to you that this might be a wee front.
-What do you think?
-I think it's definitely a front.
-It's not a front.
Are you fronting this shop for your uncle?
In some ways, actually, it's quite clever, because who's going
to think that cigarettes and drugs are going about in a hearse?
-I mean, you just wouldn't.
-Even though Barry was 17, it's still a crime,
we still have to take him in. He's a young boy,
but we've got to do our job. And we did let him phone his mum.
Right, watch your napper.
At the end of the shift, there's a great satisfaction.
I think you just feel a wee bit that, you know, the streets
are a wee bit cleaner, the city's, you know, a safer place,
and all-in-all, I think it makes the world a better place,
that we've done our job.
And you're one step closer to that police pension.
Back at the Select Committee on rehabilitation,
inter-agency tension is running high.
To kick us off, I wonder if I could ask you a little bit
about the importance of giving someone a second chance.
Depends on the crime.
We all make mistakes, and for all of us
sitting in our ivory towers, in our uniforms, it's very difficult
sometimes to come down out of that tower and understand why.
Boredom, being neglected,
and being taken for granted.
It's the snowflake generation once again. Here we go.
It's just, "Oh, I didn't... No-one took me on holiday."
Just because the criminal's husband, just because he's away
for the weekend, doesn't mean that the criminal should commit
the crime while he's gone on a fact-finding trip to Bournemouth.
Facts established, both parties seek out common ground.
I think it's absolutely necessary for the sake of all
involved that we work together.
Well, we can get back there. It's hard...
-Can be. Sometimes.
-Sometimes it has to be hard.
And sometimes it's going to get harder before you know which way...
Exactly, that's what I'm saying, if we work together,
that's when you can get it hardest of all.
Rehabilitation becomes possible
as official bodies move closer together.
I believe that if we're easing the offender back into society,
-maybe there could be the occasional...
Like a weekend. Maybe they get together,
-you know, at weekends.
It's important to have the offender passionate about
that rehabilitation, is it? Do you...?
I think you take that passion, and we have to now, you know,
handle it, if you like, you know, we have to shape it and deal with it.
And they may even be better at... Who knows?
It might be better. You don't know. Only one way of finding out.
Some of these boys have learned stuff inside
that's made them even better.
With new positions agreed...
Thank you very much for this session.
..all parties come to a satisfying conclusion.
More than it is a question of...
..a question of...
Sorry, could you excuse me just a moment?
I'll... But, yes, I think you're right, it's hard.
It's very hard.
Hey, that was a Select Committee!
Exhausting, though, I'll tell you. But worth it.
Excellent. Spring in my step. Got the juices flowing.
Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. The traffic cops tackle a dodgy driver, the detectives smash a smuggling operation, and the Chief bravely faces up to encountering his ex-wife. We learn more about SPF special ops as a very important dignitary requires a level of protection that's way beyond the call of duty. And PC Jack McLaren steps in to help out using what could only be described as extreme piggy-backing.