Episode 1 SKETCHY with Diarmuid Corr

This programme contains some strong language

Hotel stake-out today.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Mozzy, Big G again.

Wait until I tell you. Eoghan Quigg has left the Radisson

because they won't give him a mini bar.

Thanks, mate. I'm on it.

Quigg! During X Factor I was all over him,

like Louis Walsh on Jedward.

But the slippery wee pup dodged me every time.

Payback is mine! Here we go.

Shit! Quigg wig! The crafty wee...!

-QUIGG LAUGHS

-Ha, up yours, Mozzy!

-CRUNCH

-Ah, shit!

Here, never mind, Mozzy, grab your camera.

Beautiful!

What a woman!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

There has never been a better time to be from Northern Ireland.

We've got superstar sports people, a flourishing film industry

and they seem to be sinking a lot of money into that Titanic Quarter.

LAUGHTER

But forget about all of that.

The MTV Awards are coming to Belfast! Yeah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

The MTV Awards are the biggest star-studded ceremony on the face of the planet -

Beyonce, Kylie, Jay-Z...

are just some of the spides from Belfast who'd love to get tickets.

It's brilliant that they're coming

but imagine if there was an ash cloud just as they arrived,

they would be marooned here

and eventually you'd have some Belfast women

claiming to have met them.

"You'll never guess who I met, Cinderella Kylie."

"Who?"

"Beyonce!"

"Beyonce McGinty?"

"No, Beyonce! You know!"

# All the single ladies! All the single ladies! #

"Oh, my goodness! Where did you meet her?"

"Primark."

"Was her husband Jesus with her?"

"Jay-Z, you mean?

"No, he wasn't. Pity too.

"If he had been there, my fanny would have been eating the leg off me."

Hello, there! Welcome to A Wander Wi' Willie.

This here is no ordinary wander.

Today I'm at the International Moor Town Annual Musical Sports Day Weekly Boxing Match.

I've just noticed an old friend.

Charlie Balor?

THEY GRUNT

Every year, Charlie invents a new game for the International Moor Town

Annual Musical Sports Day Weekly Boxing Match.

That's right, Gerry.

CHARLIE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY

INCOHERENT CHAT

Aaaaargh!

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

ELECTRICAL BUZZES

Ah, Tommy sure does love that game.

BUZZING AND SCREAMING

Join us for the second part of A Wander Wi' Willie later...on.

# Oh give me land, lots of land under starry skies above... #

We property bigwigs have a saying about the driveway.

The space from porch to post-box

is proportional to the power of the proprietor.

Incredibly catchy, but true.

And every inch of this... monster seems to say,

Mr Jimmy "Hands" Nesbitt,

you will have to work a little harder to get to my toga party.

Take your hocus-pocus elsewhere, Mr Jehovah's Witness,

or I'll set Rhodesian Ridgebacks, Tony and Lionel Blair on you.

Stay the night, Ms Lady Caller.

You're drunk and there's a monster outside.

Yes, a driveway of this size really does make a man feel powerful.

I was running late for a court appearance.

'I could see that someone had spilt water on the floor.

'Unfortunately, I was wearing my court shoes.'

Clear!

'And I was carrying a 52-piece cutlery set at the time.'

I dislocated my hip

and sustained 11 separate puncture wounds to my back and thighs.

So I called the Personal Repetitive Injury Claims Service.

They got me 11 grand in total.

I didn't even have to leave the house.

If you hurt yourself,

we might be able to spin it that it was someone else's fault.

Call this number to see if you can make a claim

on a no-win, no-fee basis.

Keep claiming Incapacity Benefit and stay on the brew.

Call the number now!

If all the MTV stars got stuck here after the awards,

you'd have the likes of Jay-Z going down visiting our ghettos

via a big, open-top red bus.

Hey, Jay-Z! I have got a few DVDs here for sale. Do you want them?

Going cheap. I think I have your tour, mate. It's not even out yet.

Lady Gaga, at least she would get out into the country.

She'd be out with some farmer in Tyrone trying to buy a cow to wear.

The way she bought that dress, that meat dress.

Lady Gig-yah?

You're obviously one mad bitch.

Trying to wear a cow!

But your money's as good as any other man. So put it there.

By the way, Lady Gig-yah...

is there a Lord Gig-yah?

I have just finished a meal at Fidel's Gastro

in Belfast's Botanic Avenue

and it was everything I could have hoped for.

The table was level and rock solid.

There was no beer mats under the legs.

One Maurice McDaid for that.

The menu was straightforward and easy to understand,

with no joined-up handwriting

and everything was in plain English.

None of your "spaghetti bolognese" fanciness here.

Another Maurice McDaid for that!

I ordered the meat and potato with sauce.

The professional waiter ignored Lauren's slip of the tongue

when she ordered the battered wife.

After we ordered, Lauren had to go for a shite.

The bathroom was only 41 paces away. Well within my 60-pace limit.

But we had to climb the bastarding stairs to get there.

The cubicle was small but had plenty of bog roll

and the air freshener provided 80% coverage -

another Maurice McDaid for the bogs.

When we returned, our water had arrived which was tasteless

and had nothing floating in it.

The waiting staff in general were excellent.

They stayed out of my fucking road!

When the food arrived, it was A, hot, B, cooked

and, C, there was shit loads of it!

Here, you put that back. Put that back. That's mine.

If you're going to order rabbit food, you eat the rabbit food.

A top tip. If you have a bottle of wine or two,

don't drive home afterwards, as you may get caught by the police.

I hereby award Fidel's Gastro of Belfast Botanic Avenue

four Maurice McDaids out of five.

Bon appetit!

There you are, love.

So where did you meet?

-In a youth hostel.

-They take your kidneys out!

# Happiness, happiness

# The greatest gift that I possess... #

-You know we were in Australia...

-A very dangerous place, Australia.

One minute you're relaxing with a beer in the sun,

the next a spider crawls into your bum and it's all over.

We travelled everywhere together after that. Hawaii.

-A big crystal-meth problem there.

-South America.

They have a fish that can swim up your pie hole and...

..I'm not sure what it does then.

-Where else?

-Southeast Asia.

Not worried about earthquakes?

Oh! Imagine being hit by a 300-foot salami.

Are you thinking of a tsunami, Pam?

Oh! What am I like?!

That's very morbid talk, love. We're trying to eat our dinner here.

Sorry, Bobby.

Yeah!

Hello there and welcome back to A Wander Wi' Willie.

I'm just watching a spot of, ooh, wife carrying.

A sporting event invented in Cuba, just outside, ooh, Muff.

Today I'm at the International Moor Town Annual Musical Sports Day Weekly Boxing Match.

Let's go and have a wee, ooh, look around.

It looks like I'm in time for the high man fling.

So, Angela, tell us about this here controversial, ooh, sport.

Well, Willie,

it is an age-old tournament and a way of keeping order in this here town.

One man grabs the ankles of another man

and sees how far he can fling...

that other man.

Me and my husband have been doing it together for years.

-Would you like a turn, Willie?

-Yep.

Well, there you have it!

What a day we've had at the International Moor Town

Annual Musical Sports Day Weekly Boxing Match.

Join me next week, when I'll be trying to break a record

for fiddling without using my hands.

Are you ready, Willie?

What a lovely boy!

What about our golfers? How good is that?

It is incredible. It really is.

It is great to see Northern Irish people

propelling golf balls on the telly and not being water cannoned for it!

Our superpower status for golf started with Graeme McDowell,

or G-Mac as some people call him.

G-Mac, it sounds like a burger.

I like him but what is going on with that transatlantic accent? Huh?

(AMERICAN/IRISH ACCENT) It was very special out there, you know?

What about this golf course?

It's in great shape, so it is!

He sounds like the love child of May McFettridge and Stephen Hawking.

Those are two names you'll never hear in the same sentence again!

But I do, I love my fellow Tyrone man, Darren Clarke.

I love him. He is such a legend. He really is.

All the rest of these golfers come out

and they are muscley and athletic

and there is Darren coming out

like he just stepped off a ride-on lawnmower eating a bag of crisps.

I really loved it in the last few rounds of the British Open.

Everybody around the world was bricking themselves for them.

Hold it together, Darren. Just hold it together, man.

You can do this. You can do this.

You have waited 20 years for this, man. You can do it!

And there is Darren, cool as a cucumber,

having a wee cheeky fag around the 17th.

Anybody going for a pint after this? Anybody hungry?

I could murder a G-Mac right now!

APPLAUSE

-Hi.

-Good morning, Julie.

BANG

-Watch where you're parking your car, Albert Dumble Dick!

-Sorry, Barry.

What you got this morning?

Sandwich. Apple.

Twix! Nice!

-But Barry, I...

-What?

See you later, Jean-Claude Van Dick!

Julie! Hiya, Julie!

Balls! Grow some balls!

Oh, it's you. What do you want?

The same thing I always want - for you to grow a pair.

-He is my supervisor.

-His big balls just eclipsed your small balls.

-What can I do?

-You can spud up, son.

-But...

-Conquer his conkers!

-I...

-Wee in his petrol tank.

-What?

Put your wobbler into his petrol cap and let nature take its course.

Unless, maybe, Julie likes eunuchs.

She might be into the meat-and-no-veg look.

-All right, then. Keep a look out, Balls Fairy.

-Beautiful!

See what happens when you grow some balls?

ZIP!

Aaargh!

I don't know. I give up. I give up! Balls!

Do something, numb nuts!

Sweet balls of Jericho!

These people live off personal injury claims.

Some people go to work every day.

By playing out real claim set-ups 100% for real,

we will show you the insider tricks of the trade

so you don't make the same mistake.

This is The Real Claim, so it is.

Shopping centres are a popular place to hang out with friends, or pick up a present,

but if you were to shatter your pelvis, they'd throw money at you

just to get you out of the door.

Notice how we take up strategic position, except gentleman Jim,

who is banned from this particular shopping centre.

Phase 1 - the spill.

First Pam buys an ice cream.

Notice Pam has bought a cone and not a tub.

That way the spill is more believable.

Phase 2 - the bump.

While Pam carries her ice cream to the top of the escalator,

fat Alan creates a crafty diversion.

The ice cream is on the floor. The claim is on.

If fat Alan hits the ice cream splash at the right pace,

he could clear the guard-rail by several feet.

And there you have it.

One massive injury, a beautifully crafted claim,

and a shopping centre none the wiser.

All in, the claim made Alan a cool nine grand.

He broke his femur in two places and sustained a fractured skull.

It could have been much, much better.

Of course, we can't talk about golf without talking about our Rory.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah. Brilliant.

What a legend! He went to America an 11-year-old cub

and comes back a man with more money than Greece owes the IMF.

On him, like. Just cash, like.

Everywhere else, they call their sports people by their surnames -

Nadal, Beckham, Schumacher -

but here we call them by their first name, like they're family.

Ah, didn't our wee Rory do well? Didn't he do well? It was great!

Here, do you remember him on The Kelly Show?

Do you remember him? He was great then and he is great now.

And tonight's main headlines again.

Four dead in an armed robbery.

And Portrush burger named after Graeme McDowell.

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

Hiya! I've been watching you two.

Aren't you Rory McIlroy?

He is one of the best golfers in the world. You're a millionaire!

Multi-millionaire.

Anyway, I find your wife fascinating.

SPECTATORS CHEER SHOT

Thanks.

OK. How about this?

I give you 1 million...

..for a night...

with your wife.

SPECTATORS CHEER SHOT

What?

I've got four friends in my hotel room

and she looks like she could handle two of them.

I will just leave it with you. I'll be over there eating my float

with fizzy cola bottles and Wham bar.

Just leave it with you!

Wait, Richard. Let's think about this.

# Come on!

# Let's talk about sex, baby Let's talk you about you and me

# Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be

# Let's talk about sex

# Let's talk about sex... #

So!

Rory McIlroy, we have decided to accept your indecent proposal.

Sweet!

If anything happens to her, I swear I will...

I've been doing this for years

and the worst thing that's happened is a badly staved thumb.

SPECTATORS CHANT: Rory! Rory! Rory!

You're really good at this.

# I'm forever blowing bubbles... #

In the hierarchy of the home,

the room with the Jacuzzi is king.

And this wonderful bathroom welcomes us in

with a bright, chrome smile,

as if to say, "Hello there, you dirty boy.

"Take off your clothes and lather up."

And what could be nicer than standing bottomless in the Jacuzzi bath,

bubbles bouncing off your bum and boyo

as a baffled Bobby Ball

battles the brassiere off a busty brunette in the box room?

Beautiful!

Talking about superstars,

we've got our own home-grown superstars,

you know, Van Morrison, Liam Neeson...

..Hugo Duncan...

And of course, we can't talk about Northern Irish superstars

without mentioning George Best.

Huh? What a legend? An absolute legend. Incredible.

So much talent, but I bet you didn't know this.

He had his own TV show in the '70s.

He did.

He actually had his own TV cop show.

It was like a Shaft or Fall Guy type of thing, you know?

Solving crime. I'm being totally serious.

I am being 100% serious here.

He did. The BBC have a couple of tapes in their library

and we managed to get one.

We did. Would you like to see one?

AUDIENCE: YES!

OK, ladies and gentlemen. This is an exclusive first-time viewing of The George Best Mysteries.

Enjoy!

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER

Hello?

Ah, Gerry. What about you?

Murder?

Eggs for breakfast!

I'll be right there.

Where are you going, Georgie?

Another woman has been found murdered down the docks, you know?

Oh, be careful, Georgie.

I'll do my best.

# When I saw you you looked like a diamond

# As you played in the dust and the grime

# Just a boy from the country of Ireland

# And I knew I could make you shine

# Cos you move like a downtown dancer

# With your hair hung down like a mane

# And your feet playing tricks like a juggler

# As you weave to the sound of your name

# Georgie, Georgie,

# They call you the Belfast boy

# Georgie, Georgie

# They call you the Belfast boy

# Georgie, Georgie, keep your feet on the ground

# Georgie, Georgie, will you listen to the sound?

# Georgie, Georgie, put a light on your name

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, play the game. #

No, thanks.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Well, well, well!

If it isn't the Belfast Boy.

Slack Alison, should have known.

Ah, ah, ah!

Too late, George. Game over!

It's Mr Chips!

It is good, but it's not right.

It's injury time.

Catch it, Pat!

Ah, no!

ALARM BEEPS

-The balls!

-What about them?

The bomb is in a ball.

-Which one?

-I don't know. You tell me.

Eggs for breakfast.

Hurry, big Pat, hurry! Untie me!

Faster, George, faster!

We're running out of time!

Kick the balls out the door, George.

Aye. Yeah.

BANG!

# Georgie, Georgie... #

Oh, George!

Nice job, Georgie.

# ..They call you the Belfast joy

# They say Georgie, Georgie... #

-Don't you worry, Georgie, I'll fix it.

-I just love screwing, Gerry.

You did it again, Georgie.

You're the best!

My name has been Diarmuid Corr. You have been great. Good night!

Aitchoo!

Balls fair?

Eoghan Quigg has been spotted in Barry's.

The Twilight Saga.

I decided to cut me own arm off.

For you, only the best.

SPECTATORS CHEER SHOT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

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