Episode 2 SKETCHY with Diarmuid Corr

This programme contains some strong language.

Desperate times, desperate measures.

Eoghan Quigg dodged me last week with the old doppelganger routine

and it knocked my confidence no end.

These A-listers are getting craftier.

TELEPHONE RINGS But I've got a mole in the inside.

-What about you, Mozzy?

-Give me something juicy.

-OK.

Eoghan Quigg has been spotted in Barry's blowing 50 quid on 2p nudgers, so vengeance is yours.

I would love to, big man, but I'm all over Calum Best like white on rice.

Suit yourself, Mozzy.

Calum Best - at 5pm last Sunday evening,

I snapped Calum himself tiptoeing out of Jenny Bristow's back door.

A quick Photoshop job turned "pm" into "am",

and an innocent cookery lesson into an all-night liaison.

A sneaky shot of Calum carrying this pregnancy tester

would be the icing on the cake.

Bun in the oven? Cash in the bank.

Here he comes.

-Quigg! You're supposed to be at Barry's.

-Up yours, Mozzy.

Stop him!

Shit!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Something really exciting happened to me very recently.

I got married! CHEERING

Yeah. It is great.

I got married in Sweden.

My wife is Swedish.

And there, the format is slightly different

because anybody can get up and make a speech, like for example,

the speech that one of my groomsmen made.

It was so bad that I have to share it with you

because I have it right here.

This is the speech.

"Ladies and gentlemen... CLEARS THROAT

"One, two, testes, testes."

LAUGHTER

It is in this.

"I have known Diarmuid nearly all of my life

"and I have to say he is a very thorough fella

"and things to be done perfect

"even when it came to buying the engagement...ring.

LAUGHTER

"He spent weeks going round looking at other people's rings.

"Then he started to think about picking his own ring."

Total silence. You could hear a pin drop. Half the congregation were Irish, they were mortified,

but the other half were Swedish, they were loving it.

And he continued.

"And then he plucked up the courage to show his ring to her da."

At this stage my ma is gripping her steak knife like Fatima Whitbread

with a javelin.

"In fact, Diarmuid is so thorough,

"there isn't a person in this room who hasn't had a good look at her ring.

"Even the priest today said she had a mighty fine ring.

"But seriously, he did spend whatever money he could afford

"on a really nice one with diamonds that sparkle

"and throw light in all directions.

"And when he showed it to me and he said he wanted to marry this beautiful woman,

"I told him, 'Ah, that's lovely. So sparkly.

" 'She is going to think the sun shines out of your arse, boy.'

"Congratulations to the married couple. Thank you very much."

Hello there. Welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.

I'm your host, Willie.

Today I'll be meeting a gnome. Not one of your garden type gnomes.

I'm talking about Gnome Barnes, a professional riddler and gatekeeper to the West.

Famous for his...oh, severe hay fever.

-Hello there, Gnome.

-Hello, Willie. Is it yourself?

-It is, Gnome. Have you lost weight?

-Aye, I have been working out.

You're awful far away, Willie, wait till come over to you.

POUNDING FOOTSTEPS

Ah, that's better.

Ahhh. Ahhh!

Gnome here is very strict about who he let's pass into the West.

Atchoo!

-Do you think you could let me continue on my journey?

-Ah! Ahhh!

Ah...

Aye, Willie, but first you must answer me this.

I was walking down the lane, it was pouring with rain,

I had no umbrella or no hat or nowhere to take cover.

How did my hair not get wet?

Did you have a bucket?

No, Willie, it is not a bucket,

but what is red and shaped like a bucket?

A red...bucket?

No, it is not a red bucket.

That reminds me of a song.

Riddle me this, Willie.

There was a man who was once a fine riddler,

but he had no friends.

How is this so?

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Well, there you have it.

What an interesting...oh...fella. Well, I best be on my way,

but first I'm going to fiddle while Gnome Barnes dances.

Atchoo!

FIDDLE PLAYS

It is great to have a wee bit of time away from the kids, isn't it?

Yeah, and the bills.

Hiya!

Aren't you Rory McIlroy?

That's that local millionaire golfer on the news the other night.

Multi-millionaire, yup. Anyway, I find your wife fascinating.

-My wife? Her name is Jill.

-Oh, no names.

No names.

OK.

How about this? I give you a million dollars...

..for a night...

with your wife?

Are you BLEEP-ing serious?

I will be over there eating loads of ice cream and a flake.

I'm just going to leave it with ya.

-I can't believe...

-Let's think about this for a minute.

# Come on Let's talk about sex, baby

# Let's talk about you and me

# Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that maybe

# Let's talk about sex Let's talk about... #

So?

Rory McIlroy, we have decided to accept your indecent proposal.

Sweet!

I'll just, er... I'll meet you back at the house, then.

Oh no, you can come along and watch if you like.

We need someone to hold all her clothes.

-Bend your knees more and do noise I like.

-Hyyy!

THEY BOTH SCREAM

# When the moon hits your eye like a pizza pie, that's amore. #

Ah, the lounge...

or TV room if you were dragged up.

A place to kick off the shoes and lay back with a glass of wine.

Perhaps wearing ass-less karate pants and a cricketer's box.

Or its microwave popcorn and the Twilight saga in your jimjams, like big Jackie Fullerton.

Money is transient, but braiding a best friend's hair?

Well, that's permanent.

GONG RINGS OUT

At Sushi Quattro in Cookstown, County Tyrone,

I find myself trapped in a never-ending cycle

of Japanese dinner torture.

Along with four other souls,

myself and thon' are trying in vain to finish our meal,

but the food, it just keeps coming!

The seating arrangement leaves a lot to be desired.

'I was forced to sit next to thon'

'instead of my preferred position of opposites.

'Direct physical contact became unavoidable.

'Before we had a chance to order, the waitress offered us some tea.

'In all my eleven years I have never once had my tea BEFORE my dinner.

'What arrived was a cup of steaming, green water.

'No milk. No sugar.

'Instead of a menu, miniature versions of dinner spun around and around

'at approximately 3 kilometres per hour.

'This made me dizzy and a little queasy.

'Once I spotted a recognisable meat, I pointed it out to the waitress.

'I did not come here to eat display models.

'Thon' selected some dumplings before going for a little dumpling of her own.

'As the table had no knives, no fork and no spoon,

'I had to fashion some out of a nearby box of sticks.

'It took me 28 minutes to construct and whittle a workable fork.

'To relieve my growing stress, I went for a pish.

'The bathroom was comfortably within my 60 pace limit,

'but to my horror it was a unisex.'

Little Maurice hasn't been seen by woman or beast 15 years

and that wasn't about to change.

'Upon my return, thon' had found me some recognisable food.

'A bowl of mushy pea.'

HE CRIES OUT IN AGONY

'They were not to my liking.'

The food was A, cold, B, raw,

but there was shit loads of it.

A top tip, be sure you try their excellent after dinner mints

as you may get breathalysed on the way home.

I hereby award Sushi Quattro of Cookstown, County Tyrone,

one Maurice McDaid out of five. Bon appetite.

So yeah, I am married now. I have a wife.

At least I know what to call her, my wife!

Before whenever we were just living in sin,

I didn't know what to call her.

I didn't want to call her my girlfriend

because that makes it sound like we are teenagers, so I called her my partner,

but generally whenever I called her my partner

I always follow it up by confirming her gender.

Like for example, about two months ago, I was at a chemist,

"Hello, how are you doing?" "I would like to buy some cream.

"It's for my partner.

"SHE...

"..has a terrible rash on her penis."

APPLAUSE

You see men like me just aren't built for weddings,

even whenever it comes to a simple task like organising the seating plan

so that there is no fights because there is always a fight at a wedding.

When a woman writes the seating plan, she will seat the guys who are likely to fight

as far apart as possible.

Whereas the man will seat them together

based on the fight he wants to see!

"My da can have your da."

"Oh, is that right? Is it? We will soon see about that."

Table six, I think. Mummy.

Now on BBC Northern Ireland, the George Best Mysteries.

# When I saw you you looked like a diamond

# Just a boy from a country of Ireland

# I knew I could make you shine

# Cos you move like a downtown dancer

# With your hair hung down like a mane

# And your feet play tricks like a juggler

# As you weave to the sound of your name

# Georgie, Georgie they call you the Belfast boy

# Georgie, Georgie, they call you the Belfast boy

# Georgie, Georgie keep your feet on the ground

# Georgie, Georgie when you listen to the sound

# Georgie, Georgie put a lot on your name... #

No, thanks.

# Play the game, boy. #

Thanks, for a great night, Georgie.

You didn't go offside once.

It's not over yet, love, you know.

-Eggs for breakfast?

-Yes, please.

And some...Cookstown sausages.

For you, only the best.

SHE GIGGLES

# When I saw you you looked like a diamond

# And you played in the dust and the grass

# Just a boy from the country of Ireland.... #

-Ah, wee Davey Healey.

-All right, Georgie?

There was a break-in last night down at the jewellery shop.

They got all the diamonds.

Good work, Davey boy. Say hi to your ma for me.

You know?

Oh my God. Watch out.

Oh.

TYRES SCREECH

MAN SCREAMS

Oh! High tackle.

Yo!

# Georgie, Georgie they call you the Belfast boy... #

I score with the head. You know?

Here is your minerals, wee David Healey.

Ah, not a great head on that pint, Robo.

Allow me, Mr Pat.

These people live off personal injury claims.

They are playing out real claim set-ups 100% for real.

We'll show you the insider tricks of the trade.

This is The Real Claim, so it is.

Today's claim takes place on an every day street.

Broken paving stones are bread and butter to the claim artist.

So here is how to pull some serious cash from a crack in the payment.

Gentleman Jim is under house arrest.

So the three of us are in our position.

Fat Alan innocently stands on a paving stone.

Pam as a sexy distraction, but this time

yours truly will take the fall.

Remember, if the paving stone juts over one inch from the ground,

the council will pay out.

But we're always looking for that little bit extra.

If the timing is right,

the driver will be distracted just long enough.

There you are. I claimed from the council

and from the traumatised driver after this stunt.

Didn't I, Jim?

Jim, Jim...

Jim.

Forget it.

That pie was gorgeous. What's your secret, Val?

-The meat. McGlynny's butchers.

-His wife fell into a mincer.

# Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

# Everything that's wonderful is what I feel... #

The butcher, Mr McGlynny where I buy my meat,

apparently he has just remarried a Malaysian of 22.

-Was it a mail order?

-No, I'm pretty sure it was a girl.

-The flaming bag of shite...

-Bobby!

In the paper. Someone put a shite in a bag.

-Wait till you see what's for dessert.

-Set fire to the bag,

now there was a shite in there mind...

-Is it a new recipe?

-..and shoved it through some man's letterbox.

-Been doing it for years.

-That's terrible.

You haven't seen it yet, Brian.

Think about it.

Do you stamp out the flames and get shite all over your slippers,

or do you just let the bastard burn down your house.

-Or you could use...

-Tapioca pudding.

-Water would be better.

-Really? OK, Bobby.

Do I not get any pudding then?

# Sunshine lollipop... #

It's nerve-racking meeting your girlfriend's parents.

It was for me, I got to know them on a trip to Tenerife.

Her dad booked it so we flew from Sweden

on a plane full of beautiful Swedish people

which wasn't good for my ego, to be honest.

The stewardess didn't know what to make of me.

"I need some water. I'm very, very thirsty.

"A bottle water there." "What is he saying? He is lovely.

"What sort of dog is he?"

So we arrived at the resort and I was feeling quite low.

Made worse by the fact that I had forgot to bring any swimming trunks.

And I told my missus about this and I said, "I'm going to go and buy some,"

and she was like, "No, just borrow some of Daddy's."

Before I had a chance to say, "Are you mad, woman?

"There is not a chance in hell that I am ever going to wear

"another man's swimming trunks,"

I was standing pool-side an hour later in her da's maroon Speedos.

I was feeling pretty miserable at this point and then I noticed

that the swimming pool had a diving board and I had a brainwave.

You know the way Irish people are renowned worldwide

for their acrobatic ability on the diving board?

So I ran and I bounced on my face...

..and I hit the water with all

the poise and grace of a drunk tumble drier.

I ended up breaking my toe

and later that evening, we had to go and meet her parents for dinner

and I came hobbling up to the table trying to avoid eye contact

with her da because I was wearing his underpants.

I had forgot to pack those too.

Let me tell you, fellas, there is never a more miserable moment

in a man's life than when your future father-in-law

knocks on the door of your hotel room and says,

"Here is seven pairs of my underpants.

"I would like them back at the end of the week."

We're in the restaurant, I'm hobbling up to the table and her mum notices

that I'm limping and she says, "Diarmuid, what is wrong with you?

"Why are you limping?" And I was about to answer in English

and I thought, these people speak English to me all the time.

I should make the effort to speak Swedish.

The problem is my Swedish is less than basic

and so I didn't know how to say,

I made a complete fool of myself in front of the pool area and I think

I've broken my toe, but I did know how to say I have a pain in my foot.

Which is... SPEAKS SWEDISH

But I said...

SPEAKS SWEDISH

Which means, "I have a bone in my fanny."

-How are you?

-Morning, Julie.

Watch where you're parking your car, Albert Dumble Dick.

-Grow some balls.

-He's my supervisor.

Wee in his petrol tank. Cheerio.

Hi, Julie. Are you OK?

Yeah. Well, a bit pissed off, I got stood up last night.

Really? Oh.

If I was meeting you next week, I'd go now in case I missed you.

-SHE GIGGLES

-You're sweet.

All right, Dickinova, why were you talking to her?

No need to get that close to see his big balls, lad.

-This is what happens when you talk to Julie.

-Argh!

Do something, numb nuts. Trust your two veg!

Piss off, Balls Fairy.

Balls Fairy?

Never call me Balls Fairy again.

Great balls of Jericho.

You almost had him, lad.

He made me flush my own head down the disabled bog.

-A pretty good dig in though.

-Really?

I think I swallowed a poo.

I'd call it a draw. And that Julie said you were cute.

-I know. You heard that?

-I did.

-Balls Fairy...

-Don't get all emotional on me, you pussy. Cheerio.

Stop thinking with your head and start using your hairy brain.

# How do you like your eggs in the morning

# I like mine with...

The kitchen, the bustling capital city of any home.

The oven is the city hall around which everything is built.

The counter top, the factory floor, a place of hard work and industry.

And the kitchen table is the market place where deals are made,

arguments settled and illegal fireworks

are sold under the counter.

I paid for a family home with the sale of illegal fireworks

and lost it all on divorce number one.

Now I play strip KerPlunk with

some of the biggest names in the world of entertainment,

Hunniford, Fullerton, Irish Terry Wogan, but never Hugo Duncan.

His currency is no good here.

-Well, Albert.

-That's right, Willie.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Hello there and welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.

Albert was just giving me directions to Hefty McBrennan's house.

Albert, is it true that you fell down this well at the age of 14

and you've only just managed to, oh, make your way out?

True enough, Willie, it's an historic day.

Almost as historic as me 27th birthday

when I decided to cut me own arm off.

Was it trapped under a rock, Albert?

Auck, no, it was just something to do.

Well, that's awful. Interesting, but I best be off.

This great green land won't wander itself.

This is the house of dog lover, Hefty McBrennan

known locally as "the half a tonne man".

Let's go and see where he's, oh, at.

Hefty Mick, when did you first realise you were a half a tonne man?

Well, Willie, it must have been after thon' massacre of '44

and my mother was so worried I'd start another one,

that and she locked me indoors and fed me eight meals and day

and before you knew it, there I was,

half of me weighed a tonne.

Well, there you have it.

Now I'm away to meet a man who is known far and wide

for fiddling with the church choir.

My name has been Diarmuid Corr you've been fantastic. Thank you. Good night.

Hiya.

Window down, no touching.

Oh.

Bon appetite.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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