Episode 3 SKETCHY with Diarmuid Corr

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC: "Morning Mood" by Grieg

Nice one.

PHONE RINGS

Big G again, Mozzy.

Frank Mitchell thinks Zoe Salmon is skinny-dipping in his cow pond.

No can do, mate.

I'm all over Eoghan Quigg like Charlie Sheen on a...

Quigg again?

Let it go, Mozzy. You mad bast...

BEEP

Quigg was just a blip on my radar

until he started messin' my livelihood.

Let's face it, he's no Barra Best.

Now look at me.

Dangling from a rope outside his hotel,

waiting for the stripper I ordered to knock on his door.

I have a reputation to uphold, you know.

Shit. What's happening?

Ha-ha!

Egg-nog! No, you wee bollocks. Stop it!

-Come on, Mozzy.

-Stop it, Quigg!

You'll regret this.

I'll tell Cheryl Cole!

Up yours, Mozzy.

Wah!

THUD Shit!

We really have a big drinking culture here in Northern Ireland.

Yeah, we do.

"Yeo!" He's in total agreement.

We are one of the very few places, right,

where people get absolutely hammered at home,

in preparation to go to the pub.

I love it whenever you see American movies, and they say,

"Oh my God, I need a drink!"

And the general response is, "Are you OK?"

Whereas here whenever someone says "I'm not drinking tonight,"

the general response is, "Are you OK?"

I was in a pub in Tyrone.

A friend of mine is a teetotaller,

and someone came up to him and said,

"Sure you can drink wine, that's not real alcohol."

Being a teetotaller here is like some sort of scandal.

"Did you hear about Eileen's son, Joe? Doesn't drink."

"Why, what happened to him?"

But the majority of people here do drink,

and there's one day that proves that above all others,

St Patrick's Day.

CHEERING

Yeah. Absolutely.

Even people who go off drink for Lent,

as soon as the 17th of March rolls in, people say,

"Oh, you have to have a drink on St Patrick's Day,

"it would be a sin not to!"

Jesus himself couldn't have got through St Patrick's Day in Ireland

without someone trying to talk him into having a pint.

"What are you having there, Jesus?"

"What d'you... I'm fasting to save mankind here!"

"Huh? No food or drink is going to pass these lips

"for 40 days and 40 nights.

"Not even alcohol, do you not get it?"

"Jesus."

"Are you OK?"

"Sure you could have some wine, that's not real alcohol."

FIDDLE MUSIC

# Fiddle in the long grass, fiddle in the sea,

# Fiddle in a barnyard, fiddle in a tree, fiddle in a mountain,

# Fiddle with a dog, but the best place is to fiddle in the bo-o-og. #

Hello there, and welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.

If the eyes of window to the soul, then mine are a-wanderin'.

Today, half the town are down at the Torrent River for the annual get-together.

It's been going for as long as I can remember,

and I'm using this dowsing stick to help me find it. Oh!

WOMAN SCREAMS

-These dowsing sticks is a great invention, Smithy.

-They are indeed, Willie.

Good man yourself, thanks very much for coming down. I'm a dowser myself, as was my father before me,

now I have to warn you, it did bring him to an awful tragic end,

God bless the cratur, only 24, so he was.

The massacre of '51?

No, that fella drowned using a boat, so he did, God bless him,

couldn't swim for a thrupenny bit, hadn't a water wing between him.

GUNSHOT

Tragic indeed, Smithy.

Tell us about this here game.

Well, we've just started bobbing for apples in the Torrent river.

It's an old local custom. I think it started somewhere around 1470.....

...............

Well, it's all very exciting.

Are there any other local customs, Smithy?

Aye, well the road bowling be very popular.

No word of a lie, like.

GUNSHOT

Join us later for more Wander Wi' Willie.

Often maligned, but vital to the two-car family,

the garage is one of my favourite rooms.

A place a man can be a man,

or hide from the old ball and chain.

One could hide from wife number two for...

six weeks in a garage like this.

Perhaps living on a diet of rainwater and Pot Noodle,

returning, dangerously backed up,

to find another man living in your house.

A man like big Jackie Fullerton...

..whose idea it was to play hide-and-go-seek.

Yes,

a garage like this really is the perfect place for a man to reflect.

Tiffany, my youngest, has decided to take up the violin.

That's instrument hire, sheet music, tutor's fees, the list goes on.

If I kidnap a high-profile local sportsperson...

..people will pay big money to get them back.

Especially if I speed things up by posting a thumb.

Nine more fingers to mail, upping the ransom by nine grand a pop...

You do the math.

Left or right, Mr Healy?

SNIPPING NOISES

I decided to take up running, right,

and as it turns out, I've got two running styles.

One, the smug run,

and two, the American preacher run.

Now, the smug run is at the start of the run and it goes like this.

Hello there, how are you doing? Lovely day for a run.

But as soon as I know that nobody else is watching,

I turn into the American preacher run.

Help me, lord! Save me, Jesus! Save me, God! Help me, oh God, oh God!

Save me, Jesus, save me!

Hello, there. How are you doing?

And you know what? I don't really mind,

because there are other weirdos out there running too,

like those really old nuggety men

who are so stiff that it doesn't really look like they're running.

It just kind of looks like they're sneaking about the place.

Hi.

But my favourite is the cry-laugh run.

Those people who look so uncomfortable running

that you don't know whether they're crying or laughing.

It's like somebody's sitting on their shoulder

telling them bad news and then good news.

You're adopted.

But you've won the Lottery.

You look absolutely ridiculous.

But not as ridiculous as that guy.

Help me, Lord! Help me, Jesus! Oh, save me, Lord! Oh, save me!

Hiya!

I've been watching you two.

Aren't you Rory McIlroy?

He's one of the best golfers in the world. He's a millionaire.

Multi-millionaire.

KER-CHING, CHEER

Anyway, I find her fascinating.

Thanks.

OK. How about this,

I give you a million dollars...

..for a night...

..with your wife?

What?

I'll just leave it with you.

I'll be over there eating my double choc marshmallow belly buster

with extra sprinkles...and Wham bar!

Just going to leave it with you.

Wait, Michael.

Let's talk about this.

# Get off 23 positions in a one-night stand

# Get off

# I'll only call you after if you say I can

# Get off

# Let a woman be a woman and a man be a man

# Get off If you want to, baby, here I am. #

So?

Rory McIlroy, we have decided to accept your indecent proposal.

Sweet!

Be gentle with my wife, mate, eh?

Oh, don't worry, we'll do all our stretches first,

in case we pull a hamstring

or something.

CHEERING

Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Are you all right, love?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Is it the squits, then, son?

Have you met your neighbours?

Aye, yeah, they seem nice enough.

That's what people said about thon Austrian fellow.

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

I thought he was quite nice in that Kindergarten Cop documentary.

One of them came round, actually, welcomed us to the area.

You want to be careful who you let into your house, son.

-That's lovely.

-Yeah, they said they saw us moving in.

Next thing you know, you'll be washing-line tied to a chair in the cellar

with a snooker ball in your mouth.

-Bobby, not everyone is out to get you.

-Yeah, Bobby,

there are some nice people in the world.

A man was sodomised in Newtownards the other day.

I have just finished a banana-flavoured milkshake

in 24-hour fish and chip shop on the Cregagh Road,

and it has possibly been

the finest gastronomical experience of the financial year.

The walls were white, clutter-free,

and the whole place was tiled,

perfect for cleaning up grease, blood and vinegar

after a 2am post-pub pommeling.

The seating was slidey and smooth for easy manoeuvrability.

One Maurice McDaid for that.

The table was rock solid.

I could have done a jig on it,

had it not been for the laminate and spilled gravy,

which was delicious.

I ordered the fish and chip,

well done, with red sauce.

Thon had the sausage and chip with brown sauce.

She ate it.

The member of staff was a delight.

She took my order. Went outside.

Had a smoke.

Then waved to me through the window, keeping a friendly distance.

My view was clear and unobstructed.

Before we left, I had to go for an emergency shite.

Thon's IBS had rendered the chippie toilet unfit for human con-dumption.

So I availed of the facilities next door, in the McGrady household.

However, their toilet

was just over my 60-pace limit.

Fortunately for Mr McGrady,

the plug-in air freshener was on full blast.

To summarise, the food was A - fried, B - hot,

and C - there was shitloads of it.

I hereby award a very strong four Maurice McDaids out of five.

Bon appetit.

When I was at school, I couldn't care less about science,

couldn't care less about it,

but now I seem to be really interested in it.

And I think it's because of one man.

Brian Cox.

-Do you know who I'm talking about?

-Yes!

Professor Brian Cox from Wonders of the Universe,

an incredibly likable chap with a big grin

and a weird laugh. "Heh. Heh. Heh."

I think the reason why he's smiling all the time

is because he gets to go to the most incredible places on the face of the planet

and use whatever he wants to show us the simplest of scientific theories.

One minute he's playing keyboard in the band D:Ream

and the next, it's all,

"These 12 scantily-clad ladies in blue bikinis represent the protons.

"Heh. Heh.

"And these scantily-clad ladies in red bikinis represent the neutrons.

"Heh. Heh.

"And this bouncy castle represents the core of the atom.

"Go on, girls, bouncy, bouncy.

# "Things can only get better... #

"Because Manuel here's going to spray them with this garden hose.

"Heh. Heh. Heh."

# When I saw you, you looked like a diamond.

# As you played in the dust and the grime

# Just a boy from the country of Ireland.

# And I knew I could make you shine.

# Cos you move like a downtown dancer

# With your hair hung down like a mane

# And your feet playing tricks like a juggler

# As you weave to the sound of your name.

# Georgie, Georgie

# They call you the Belfast boy

# Georgie, Georgie,

# They call you the Belfast boy

# They said Georgie, Georgie keep your feet on the ground

# Georgie, Georgie when you listen to the sound

# Georgie, Georgie put a light on your name... #

No, thanks.

# Play the game

# Play the game. #

Where are you going, Georgie?

Another woman's been found murdered,

down the docks, you know.

Oh, be careful, Georgie.

I'll do my best.

SEVENTIES COP-TYPE MUSIC

Aw. Off the post.

Pat, stop him.

Ball, Monsieur Robo.

But of course, Monsieur Best.

Fancy a pint, ladies and gents?

How about some champagne?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

'The George Best Mysteries will return next week, you know.'

I was installing a motion sensor light for a relative.

Can't be too careful these days.

It was a wet day

and I wasn't wearing a harness.

Unfortunately, no-one had given me a ladder,

helmet, harness or safety briefing.

Claim!

I shattered my kneecap

and ended up with a strangled left testicle.

I called the Personal Repetitive Injury Claims Service.

They got me eight-and-a-half grand.

I didn't even have to go to court again.

'If you hurt yourself,

'we might be able to spin it

'that it was someone else's fault.

'Call this number

'to see if you can make a claim

'on a no-win, no-fee basis.

It was five grand for the kneecap

and three-and-a-half for the bollock.

You know, you'd think it would be the other way round, wouldn't you?

'Don't forget, you'll probably still qualify for Incapacity Benefit,

'and you can stay on the Buroo.

'So call the number now.'

You're sweet.

All right, Dickanova, what are you doing talking to her?

Sweet balls of Jericho!

He made me flush my own head down the disabled bog.

What's up, my brother?

Hi, Simon. Up to much last night?

Yeah, had a pretty sweet night, man.

I had a five-hour Grand Theft Auto marathon with mum, you know.

Blap! Blap! Blap!

# Drive-by! #

Nice. They're showing the original Rocky in the cinema tonight.

Vwoot. Vwoot.

-Already on it, big stuff. Are you in?

-Definitely!

Cool. Mum'll just have to get her own tickets.

All right? Kirk Dickless.

Hmm. Thanks, lard ass.

You're not supposed to call me that, Barry.

Enjoy your tea, Count Dickula.

Julie?

Julie, do you fancy going to the cinema tonight?

'Balls!'

Grow some man-mushrooms, lad!

-And do what?

-I don't know.

Use that computer thing.

Hit him over the head with it or somethin'.

Stop thinkin' with your head and start usin' your hairy brain.

MUSIC: "Hearts On Fire" by John Cafferty

# Hearts on fire

# Strong desire

# Rages deep within

# Hearts on fire... #

A goat?

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Balls Fairy.

-What?

-Ah, nothing.

Right. Cheerio.

'Balls!'

# Hearts on fire... #

Get in the bin.

-Where were you?

-Where are your balls?

If you're single, give us a big cheer!

CHEERING

If you're in a relationship, give us one.

SLIGHTLY LESS CHEERING

Yes.

The single cheer is always much more optimistic, isn't it? It really is.

Do you know, we're not really known for our romantic side here,

not at all. I was in a pub two weeks ago, and I heard a couple arguing

and it was almost as if they were breaking up,

and HE was complaining to HER that she never listened to him

or understood his needs as a man, and a boyfriend.

And she took his hand,

and that was his cue to shut up.

And she said,

"Sure, don't I ride you and get you chips?"

That's a bit grim, isn't it?

To be honest,

the people who will be groaning most at that will be the single people,

whereas the people in the relationship are all going,

"What's wrong with that?"

"Isn't he getting a bit of loving and he's also getting chips?"

But you see, whenever it comes to sex in a relationship,

men are like the Ambulance Service of Northern Ireland.

We're constantly on alert, ready to take every call.

We go into dangerous situations, rain, hail, sleet or snow,

even if there's a 50% chance it might be a false alarm.

"Hello? Sex, where?"

"Cullybackey?"

"I'll be there in nine minutes."

Whereas women in a relationship

are a bit more like an automated answering service.

"The woman you would like to have sex with knows you are waiting.

"You are currently in a queue."

"Your request is important to her,

"and will be dealt with as soon as possible.

"If you would like to complain to an operator,

"make your own dinner."

My wife Caroline wants to join a pony club.

That's private lessons, competition fees, horse clinics,

and that's before we feed the bugger.

YELLING

So in the evenings, I'm having a go at Russian roulette.

MAN SHOUTS IN VIETNAMESE

At odds of 6 to 1 at £1,000 a pop,

MAN SHOUTS AGAIN

CLICK

You do the math.

Double or quits, anyone?

# Well, I'm as free as a breeze

# And I'll do as I please.

# Just bumming around. #

Of course, when you bite the property pie,

a local parkland like this

really can be the icing on the cake.

Green and gorgeous,

a grand area for picnics with soon-to-be-estranged families

or a solo evening stroll.

But at night-time,

it's lights on, have a peek,

window down, no touching, door open.

Anything goes.

Maybe you're onto a good thing, then everyone has to go home,

because big Jackie has one of his asthma attacks

in the back of a rented Ford Focus.

But all things being equal, this really is a wonderful local amenity.

What a fine day it is down at the Torrent River.

Locals out enjoying the countryside,

and getting the influenza.

But I want to know more about these fine sportsmen and this fine sport.

Tell us about this here sport.

As you can see, Willie, the apples are released upstream,

Lady Gravity will take her natural course, and our competitors try to grab the apples downstream.

It is awful weather, them fellas must be soaked to the bone, foundered, God bless them and pardon them.

My heart goes out to them. GUNSHOT

No cheating, boys, now.

C'mere, you boy, you.

He's doing well.

Aye, he's definitely one for the future, big strapping lad.

He wouldn't be the favourite. If you look over here,

that's Big Horse McNamee. Fine big strapping man.

Fella could eat an apple through a letterbox, so he could.

Winner!

It's a fine day for all the family.

Aye, it is, now, Willie, it is.

It's just a shame we had to cancel our stone skimming by the sea.

You see, last year several men were actually killed by our stones

off the coast of Scotland.

-Very interesting, Smithy.

-It was an awful thing, Willie.

Now I can't talk too much about it,

cos there's a court injunction out and solicitors are involved, it'd be a nightmare...

-Wh...

-But I can say this, Willie,

it had to be one of the most disgusting things I seen in my life.

There was blood and guts, people crying...

-Wh...

-But you don't understand.

I seen the inside of a human nostril, it was just lying there.

It was a full sized elbow.

Well, there you have it. What a day.

I've seen road bowling, bobbing for apples

and the awesome power of a dowsing stick.

Now I'm away to meet a man who fiddled so much he went blind.

GUNSHOT

My name has been Diarmuid Corr.

Thank you very much. Goodnight!

Reverse Billy Bingham.

Jus!

The giraffe! Good morning.

I have question about your ban of sheep.

WEEPS

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