Episode 5 SKETCHY with Diarmuid Corr


Episode 5

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ah, the foyer!

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The gateway between the world out there

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and the greased-up sanctity of a private residence.

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Will this welcome area greet you with a touch of elegance,

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whether limping home from a long day at the divorce courts

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or red-raw after a weekend with sports underling

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Stephen "Bubbles" Watson

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at the paintball range?

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Yes, these high, classy ceilings and modern lighting features

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really do seem to say, "Come in,

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"I've got the camomile lotion, drop trouser.

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"I'm Stuart Prentice. The wee Watson got you."

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Do we have any Diarmuids in the audience?

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No! We never do!

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I hated my name whenever I was growing up. I really hated it.

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It was so hard to spell and so hard to pronounce. But now I absolutely love it.

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It's got meaning and history.

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It means "free of envy" and it comes from ancient Irish mythology,

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where apparently Diarmuid was irresistible to women.

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Hm. Yeah.

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You see, apparently, he was the son of Aengus, the god of love.

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Now, whenever I heard about this guy,

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I initially pictured this great specimen of a man, this godly figure

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dressed in godly robes, surrounded by a harem of beautiful women,

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lying on a chaise longue, eating bunches of...

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potatoes, because grapes don't grow here.

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He'd jump off that chaise longue and he would jump onto his chariot

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that was made of gold, drawn by donkeys with flames coming from their hooves,

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and he would take any one of those beautiful women and he would bring her up to the highest peak,

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and there he would proclaim, "I shall make love to you."

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And then I realised he was Irish, so he probably just said,

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"I suppose a ride's out of the question."

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APPLAUSE

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JAUNTY KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYS

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Hello there, and welcome to Willie.

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You may remember this fine old house behind me.

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It belongs to my old friend Nipsy.

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I haven't seen her since we played hide-and-go-a-whomping last year.

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That's right, Willie. I remember it well.

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At about this time on a Sunday morning,

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most of the locals gather around at Nipsy's to play hide-and-go-a-whomping.

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One person goes a-hiding, and then the others go a-seeking.

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And when they find them, they go a-whomping with their cudgel.

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Oh, Nipsy, I hear you're going to introduce me to some friends.

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Aye, Willie, but first, the cows need a-milking.

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-Ah, Nipsy, have you forgot your stool?

-Not at all, Willie.

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Sure I can milk Betsy here without even touching her.

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Watch.

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COW MOOS

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Very impressive, Nipsy!

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-Are you hungry, Willie?

-A little bit.

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Se you later on for more A Wander Wi' Willie.

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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

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I take a look at my life and realise there's nothing left.

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ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS

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Excuse me. Are you running this service?

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Brian Everest, yes. I trust everything's going well?

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To be honest, I'm a bit concerned about the grave.

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-Oh?

-It doesn't seem deep enough.

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Well, I'm afraid there's not much I can do about that, sir.

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What are you talking about? You're the funeral director, aren't you?

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I am, yes, but before he died, your uncle signed up for our dig-your-own-hole scheme.

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He what?

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Yes, he was a bit strapped, as they say, before he died, and unfortunately,

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the old guy popped his clogs before he'd finished digging it.

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Though I'm sure all his hard work had nothing to do with his eventual demise.

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My lawyers agree.

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But he's gonna have a shallow grave.

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If you like, I can offer you a discount on shovel rental.

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Or maybe sir would like a baggie?

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After the service, we can tip him into one of these soft coffins.

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That should give your Uncle Joe more headroom.

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..in spending most our lives living in a gangster's paradise.

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These people live off personal injury claims.

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By playing out real claim set-ups 100% for real,

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we'll show you the inside tricks of the trade,

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so you don't make the same mistake.

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This is The Real Claim, so it is.

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Today, the target is the Belfast sight-seeing tours.

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Sometimes, making a claim is as easy as falling off a bus.

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We're all in position. Distracting the driver is my main objective.

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That's a beauty I squeezed out this morning.

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Fat Alan is up top in a clever disguise.

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Gentleman Jim takes the dive, but it's Pam who will make the claim.

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As I baffle the bus driver, Gentleman Jim prepares his part.

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Holy crap!

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HOOTS HORN

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Whiplash claims all round.

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Jim shatters his pelvis, and it's a classic double-dunter,

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as the jolt from the bus throws Pam from the top tier.

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Fat Alan innocently tries to help, but it's no use.

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Well, there you have it. We all got a whiplash claim in.

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Gentleman Jim smashed his pelvis,

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but Pam hit the jackpot with a dislocated shoulder,

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broken hip and got a bonus ball payout

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for the trauma of having her dress ripped off by Fat Alan

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on a busy shopping street as she was flung from the bus.

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You're a jammy bitch, Pam.

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Felicity, my eldest, has decided to take a gap year to go travelling.

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Since she failed to get a part-time job this year,

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it looks like I'll be footing the bill.

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Flights, accommodation, spending money and a hip new wardrobe.

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It's not going to be cheap.

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So I've started manning the phones on a late-night interactive sex channel.

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Three nights a week, with up to 90 calls a night, premium rates...

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Well...

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You do the math!

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I'm actually worried about losing my hearing.

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My dad has progressively got deaf, you know,

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only he refused to get hearing aids

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because he reckoned it made him look old and senile.

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But him shouting, "WHAT?" in the middle of a supermarket doesn't, like?

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And the final straw came whenever he came down to Belfast

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and he said to me, "Diarmuid, I have to go to a funeral tomorrow,

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"I need to go and get myself some new shorts."

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Which is how they pronounce "shirts" in Tyrone.

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So I brought him to TK Maxx. I thought, that's going to be as good a place as any.

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And do you know in TK Maxx, there's this kind of area that sells odds and ends and bits and pieces,

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it's kind of like a jumble sale.

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Well, he wandered off over there and he picks up this box,

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and he looks at it, and he calls me over, he says, "Diarmuid!

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"C'mere!"

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And I walk the three steps over to him.

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Mortified.

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And he said to me, "What sort of a fishing rod is this?"

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And I looked at it, and it didn't look like a fishing rod at all.

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It looked like one of those miniature vacuum cleaner things, like a Handy Vac.

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I went, "Yeah, that's a bit strange,"

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and then I noticed that on the top corner, it said, Nintendo Wii on it.

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So I said, "That's for a Nintendo Wii" and he said, "What?"

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And I said, "Nintendo Wii."

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And he said, "I don't give a shite what you intend to do."

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So we said to him, "Get this sorted out."

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I was doing a bit of gardening at my mum's house

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and he came up to me, and he says,

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"Diarmuid, I went to the doctor and he gimme...he gimme the aids.

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"I can hear the bucking grass girl."

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Around 6,000 years ago, the Tuatha de Danann

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were forced down into the underworld to live for ever.

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And that's where the fairy folk come from.

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-Also known as...?

-Leprechauns.

-Leprechauns! That's right.

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-Has anyone any questions?

-I have question about your fairy folk.

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-Yes?

-I have very much a problem with all of this.

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The mass movement of an entire race of little peoples?

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Population 1.5 million.

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Down a rabbit hole? Think of the queues!

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Well, leprechauns are very small.

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Be nice to them, or they won't grant your three wishes.

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Small, yes. Insect, no. The pots of gold would not fit.

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And as for wishes, I wish for end to this crazy blarney bollocks.

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And how can you live for ever underground? You need sun for...

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-Vitamin D.

-Vitamin D, that's right. Without Vitamin D, you will...

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-Die.

-Die!

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And rabbit hole as entrance? How do rabbits feel about mass immigration?

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Is their society fully integrated?

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Or did leprechaun use rabbit as horse?

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Look, it's just a bit of fun.

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Fun? Tell that to the 1.5 million leprechauns dying from no Vitamin D!

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Hello!

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Hello, little peoples.

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Nothing. See? Bullshit.

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-COUGHS:

-Bullshit.

-What is next on tour?

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When are we going to Drumanahoe?

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'This is the Stephen Nolan Show, where the people have the power.'

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Nonsense!

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Let the man speak, Granny!

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Good morning, Ed. AS GIRAFFE: Good morning.

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Again, we have too many voices clouding the issue.

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As GIRAFFE: No question, we're clearly living in a nanny state.

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No more sugar, love. You'll not get him to nap later.

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Ed, I can't believe what I'm hearing!

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AS GIRAFFE: They take people's pockets to prop up their own agendas.

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Hippopotamus, don't tell me you're going to defend this?

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AS HIPPO: It may hit hard now, but we'll see it coming back to us

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in the form of increased levels of ice cream after dinner.

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AS GIRAFFE: Juice-sipping North Down liberals like Hippopotamus

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don't know what it's like in the real world.

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I'm afraid we're going to have to leave it there.

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But for any thoughts on this hot topic, follow our Twitter feed.

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40 characters or less.

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Oh, look at the colour of you!

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-Here you go, Bobby, a bottle of the local wine.

-Oh, lovely.

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My niece went on holiday and all I got was cirrhosis.

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# Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I possess... #

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Tea?

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-You should have seen the beach, Val.

-Oh, stunning, wasn't it?

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He spent most of his time in the water.

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Rip tides, sea urchins, stingrays, pollution.

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I thought he'd get gills!

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-Or Hepatitis C!

-Listen to your man, speaking Greece!

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-So, what were the people like?

-Really nice.

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A local couple had us round for dinner.

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-You're lucky she wasn't sold into the vice ring, son.

-That's lovely.

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We stayed over, Brian had a few too many.

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-They could have been drug dealers.

-Guess what they did?

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Knock you out? Stuff you with drugs?

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-Booked to come over on Paddy's Day.

-Now you're a drugs mule!

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Oh, that'll be lovely.

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That's the way these people do business, Val.

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Find out where you live, open you up, and dump your body on waste ground!

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-We're taking the caravan to Newcastle. If God spares us.

-Och!

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Family last year, touring caravan, gust of wind... Wham!

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Should be good. Looking forward to it.

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You can always spot someone from here on holidays, can't you?

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We stick out like a sore thumb. And I'm one of the worst.

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Amongst all those beautiful tanned bodies, there's me.

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With my pasty white back, giving off a sheen that would blind a guide dog!

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The last time I was on a beach holiday with my missus,

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I saw her staring at a local muscley hunk.

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She wasn't staring at him, she was practically ovulating!

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Let's call him Juan. Cos I wanted to tell him, "G'wan! G'wan!"

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Juan take a run up your own arse!

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It's pretty unsettling, seeing your missus drooling at a Juan.

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And then I noticed something really funny. He was wearing a Speedo.

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But it wasn't his Speedos that was funny.

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It was the, um...

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..tiny ray of hope...

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..nestled in his...budgie smugglers.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, I don't want to spell this out.

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I'm not going to spell it out. But you know a flump, right?

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Not one of those in the packet, I'm talking about a 10p-mix flump here!

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I don't want to be unnecessarily harsh on Juan.

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He'd just got out of the water, but you know a monkey nut, right?

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You know an AAA battery? You know a baby's foot, you know their big toe?

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You know when you steal someone's nose? "I've got your nose!"

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A cotton bud. A duckling's head.

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The black key of a piano tie.

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You know whenever a petite woman sticks her thumb through a hedge...?

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You know whenever your missus

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sees you staring at another man's crotch for a long period of time?

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You know when she says, "What are you doin'?"

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And you answer with the only thing that you can think of. "Juan-nil!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Get in the bin.

-The bin's no place for a pair of balls to be!

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You like that, don't you?!

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Barry?

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My office! Now!

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I just don't understand it.

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-You've always been the grey man in the office.

-I know, sir.

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Like walking wallpaper. And loos.

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And now, from out of nowhere, you challenge ME with a bin on the head?

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-Who the hell are you?

-I'm the Arse Goblin.

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The Balls Fairy's at the dentist.

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Who am I indeed?

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There was a time that I could have just punched you to the ground

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and we'd call it quits.

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I'm here cos you need to get your arse in gear. Unless you'd prefer the Muff Gruffler?

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But a move like that would be exactly what they want me to do.

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-What does that even mean?

-It means, boy,

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that I consider you a pawn.

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A patsy.

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The Lee Harvey Oswald of office pranks.

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-Think fast or your arse is heading for the sack.

-Leave my arse alone!

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Now...nobody said anything about your tushy.

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-I didn't, um...

-Whoa! Don't arse it up.

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Dammit! Always leave the door open!

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Now I can't accuse you of anything.

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I just want to keep my job, sir.

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You've got me over a barrel, boy. Get out!

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God, I hate you!

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But I admire your balls.

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-Until next time. And watch your arse.

-Nice one, Arse Goblin.

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There's no need for cruel names! You've already won!

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Do I fancy a pint with Julie? You bet your sweet balls I do!

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-Want to go for a dance?

-I'm sorry, I'm not much of a dancer.

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Great balls of fire, son! Have I taught you nothing?

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Balls to it!

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My boy Zachary's psychiatrist has suggested he needs a hobby.

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So he's decided to take up ice hockey.

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Good news for his anger issues,

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but the cost could put the freeze on our caravanning holiday.

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So I've decided to blow up the family home.

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All it takes is a scented candle in the music room

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and some carelessness with the stove.

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Then sit back and wait for the insurance payout.

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GAS HISSES

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My wife Caroline's got the front door keys. The back door's locked.

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And I can't seem to stop this gas flow!

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You do the math.

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EXPLOSION

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What are you doing eating sandwiches? This isn't a picnic!

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Get out there and work the room.

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I just think he would have loved this. It was such a lovely funeral.

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I was just saying to David what a lovely funeral it was, Mr Everest.

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And so unusual.

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I've never seen a cardboard coffin before.

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Yeah. Shame it rained.

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Indeed. Listen, I hope you don't mind me asking,

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but were either of you two made beneficiaries in old Joe's will?

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-No.

-No. I'm afraid not.

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In that case, would you be interested in a big cash prize?

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Kitchen appliances, spa weekend, ash-scattering trip to Fiji.

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You can have all of these wonderful things for just £1!

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Sorry. I think I've won a holiday.

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A winner already! We're just giving it away!

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Three urns. You need three urns and a wreath for a holiday.

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But you have won a copy of Morning Horn!

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Attention, everyone. We have a winner!

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Give him a big round! Lots of prizes up for grabs,

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bereave it or not!

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Have you ever gone into a public toilet cubicle, right,

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and someone goes into the cubicle right next door

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at the exact same time?

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It's pretty awkward.

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You go in, you get yourself ready, you sit down...

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and then it's like you're both in a race that neither of you started.

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You're sitting there and it's all going well,

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as well as can be expected.

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All of a sudden, the lights go out because of the automatic sensor lights.

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You know, the ones that switch off whenever there's no movement?

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Well, apparently, bowel movement doesn't seem to trigger them!

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You're in there, taking your time and all of a sudden, total darkness!

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It's like a surprise party in reverse!

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Only you've arrived with your trousers down.

0:21:470:21:50

The guy next to you, who you're racing against, he screams.

0:21:500:21:55

You panic and start waving your hand, trying to trigger the thing

0:21:550:22:00

but you trigger the automatic flush behind you! It goes off...

0:22:000:22:05

Why is there an automatic flush in the first place?! What's wrong with a chain or a handle?

0:22:050:22:10

It can't be anything to do with hygiene

0:22:100:22:12

cos you end up touching everything in the cubicle looking for the sensor.

0:22:120:22:16

You eventually find the sensor

0:22:160:22:19

and you don't know what to make of it! You just stand there,

0:22:190:22:22

staring at it, like a gorilla's just seen its reflection for the very first time.

0:22:220:22:28

You poke at it, you prod at it, you try to enter your pin number.

0:22:280:22:31

The guy beside you's lost it completely.

0:22:310:22:36

He's trying to whisper his mother's maiden name into it

0:22:360:22:39

in case it needs a password!

0:22:390:22:41

You burst out of the cubicle at the exact same time as your opponent and the lights come on!

0:22:410:22:47

You want to give him a hug and tell him everything's going to be OK!

0:22:470:22:51

But you can't! You don't want to be seen hugging

0:22:510:22:54

a complete stranger in a public toilet! Again!

0:22:540:22:58

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:580:23:00

# O Danny boy, O Danny boy

0:23:030:23:06

# I love you so-o. #

0:23:060:23:13

Excuse me! I have question about your Londonderry-stroke-Derry Air.

0:23:170:23:22

-Right.

-It is not homosexual singer

0:23:260:23:29

loving his Danny Boy that I question.

0:23:290:23:32

-I am liberal tourist.

-Hold on a minute...

0:23:320:23:36

But you cannot sing of homosexual love for Danny Boy,

0:23:360:23:39

-then go from Glen to Glen and down mountain side.

-Slut!

0:23:390:23:43

Easy, dear. Who are these Glens? Are they homosexual?

0:23:430:23:49

This is turning into orgy.

0:23:490:23:51

Crack-fuelled orgy!

0:23:510:23:53

My lady is right.

0:23:530:23:55

You sing of pipes calling Danny Boy.

0:23:550:23:58

There is only one type of pipe that could really, really call

0:23:580:24:02

-to man in love rectangle with some Glens.

-Crack pipe!

0:24:020:24:05

Yes. Ulster people love that crack.

0:24:050:24:09

Crack dependency plus crazy singer

0:24:100:24:14

and romance with at least two Glens does not add up to love life.

0:24:140:24:18

It adds up to short life span.

0:24:180:24:21

Perhaps that is why the word stroke is in Derry-stroke-Londonderry.

0:24:220:24:27

It is lilting melody,

0:24:280:24:30

but your Londonderry-stroke-Derry Air is clearly bollocks!

0:24:300:24:35

Bollocks!

0:24:350:24:38

Now moving on, if this is good for you,

0:24:380:24:41

then why is my poo black this morning?

0:24:410:24:44

Ah. The master bedroom.

0:24:490:24:52

A place to unwind and prepare for morning.

0:24:520:24:56

For sanctuary.

0:24:560:24:59

To lick the wounds of a tricky day and top up the old energy levels.

0:24:590:25:04

With the 21-year-old wife of a golf pro. And her lardy but lithe friend.

0:25:040:25:10

And a furious, but nonetheless very lovely Noel Thompson.

0:25:100:25:16

And Winnie Mandela.

0:25:200:25:23

And a golf pro.

0:25:240:25:25

And big Jackie Fullerton.

0:25:280:25:30

Yes. This master bedroom really is just the ticket for a jimjam party.

0:25:320:25:40

Marvellous.

0:25:430:25:45

Here I am with my old friend Nipsy going for a wee wander

0:25:480:25:52

to meet some of our friends.

0:25:520:25:55

Welcome back to A Wander Wi' Willie!

0:25:550:25:57

Here they are.

0:26:050:26:07

What lovely hairdos.

0:26:070:26:10

Aye, Willie, this is the world's first hairdresser quartet.

0:26:100:26:14

I put them together myself.

0:26:140:26:16

Would you like to hear a song?

0:26:160:26:18

I sure would! I've always wanted to fiddle wi' a male chorus!

0:26:180:26:22

All right, fellas!

0:26:230:26:26

OUT OF TUNE DRONING

0:26:260:26:30

THEY FALL SILENT

0:26:360:26:38

All right, fellas!

0:26:430:26:45

THEY SING IN UNISON AND IN KEY

0:26:450:26:48

# Hello, loneliness

0:26:590:27:02

# I think I'm going to cry

0:27:020:27:05

# Bye-bye love

0:27:050:27:08

# Bye-bye sweet caress

0:27:080:27:12

# Hello emptiness

0:27:120:27:15

# I feel like I could die

0:27:150:27:17

# Bye-bye love

0:27:170:27:20

# Bye-bye sweet caress

0:27:200:27:23

# Hello emptiness

0:27:230:27:27

# I feel like I could die! #

0:27:270:27:31

Well, there you have it.

0:27:330:27:35

I'm away to meet a man in Lisnaskea who lost his thumb fiddling with another man's wife.

0:27:350:27:40

Thanks very much, everybody! My name's been Diarmuid Corr!

0:27:480:27:52

You've been fantastic! Good night!

0:27:520:27:54

Bear!

0:27:580:27:59

Live, Willie! Live!

0:27:590:28:02

HE SOBS

0:28:020:28:04

Hiya!

0:28:040:28:06

Where did it all go wrong, George?!

0:28:060:28:09

No-o-o-o-o...

0:28:090:28:15

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:290:28:32

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0:28:320:28:35

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