Episode 6 SKETCHY with Diarmuid Corr

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC: "Straight Down The Middle" by Bing Crosby

Just as Wife Number One's sister

became Wife Number Two,

sometimes the best aspects of a property are found nearby.

And facing this 18-hole golf course

really does "drive up" the value of this charming property.

I have closed hundreds of business deals,

and conceived scores of children,

on the fairways, greens and locker rooms of the province.

And there really is no substitute for the look in a rival's eye

when he sees your company's logo

printed on your balls.

Magnificent.

I think tourists must find it really confusing here,

you know, given the fact

that the word "tourist" in Belfast

is pronounced the exact same way

as "terrorist."

"This place is comin' down with te'rists."

"There's busloads of 'em!"

"Are you OK with that?"

"Sure, why wouldn't we be?

"Sure, all them te'rists bring money into the economy!"

And it must be strange for them,

because a lot of them are coming here expecting diddly-dee music

and Irish dancing on street corners,

and they're baffled when they see a load of Romanians

stretching the life out of accordions.

APPLAUSE

You know what?

I think they could teach us a lesson in Northern Ireland,

especially in times of austerity. There's one guy in particular,

and he stands outside Castlecourt Shopping Centre.

I really like this guy.

Because he's found himself

half a violin...

..and half a trumpet...

..and he's sellotaped them two things together.

And he's got his own unique instrument -

a violumpet.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A-wanderin' in the forest (oh) isn't always the safest thing, you know.

SCARY MUSIC

So I'm meeting a great local local, named Leslie the Animal Man,

who's an expert at survival and (oh) safety

from wildlife here in the wild here.

Hello there, and welcome to A Wander Wi' Willie. (Oh.)

Well then, today Leslie the Animal Man

will teach me a few things to keep me safe in the forest.

-Hello, Leslie.

-Les, Willie.

-Huh?

-Les!

-What?

-LES!

-Oh.

Les the Animal Man.

Now, Willie,

let me first urge you to hush your speaking voice.

I myself use a...wwwhisper.

Then so shall (oh) I...

If you look over here, you'll see a wee animal

I've named "the hedge-hog."

-Careful now, Leslie.

-Les, Willie.

I know a simple trick

to stay safe when he's about.

-What's that, then, Leslie?

-Les, Willie.

Now, you must stay absolutely still.

Sneaky, sneaky now.

Get right up close to him.

Carefully does it, now.

And just...throw him away, Willie.

HEDGEHOG SQUEALS

Throw him away.

Aagh! Oof!

-Argh! Ooh!

-Well done, Leslie. You've saved us (oh) all.

Les.

It's just experience, Willie.

'Join us later for more Wander Wi' (oh) Willie.'

So nice to get out for the afternoon with my two favourite girls.

Yeah, your mum seems to be having a great time.

MUSIC: "X Gon' Give It To Ya" by DMX

Eh, excuse me.

Hiya! I've been watching you three.

Who are you?

That's Rory McIlroy, the young golfer.

He's a millionaire.

Multi-millionaire. Yup!

Anyway, I find your ladies

-fascinating!

-CROWD CHEERS

-That's my mum, and...

-Oh, no names.

No names.

No names!

OK. How's about this?

I'm going to give you 1 million...

..for a night...

-..with your girlfriend.

-Uh...

-And your mother.

-CROWD CHEERS

-You'll what?!

-There's a game I like to play.

-It's better with three.

-With three?

-Just going to leave it with you.

I'll be over there, eating candy floss.

Just going to leave it with ya!

Cheeky wee...

Ah-ah!

Let's just think about this, now.

MUSIC: "Give It Up" by KC and the Sunshine Band

# Baby give it up

# Give it up, baby give it up

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-now

# Baby give it up

# Give it up, baby... #

So?

I feel sick.

Rory McIlroy,

we have decided to accept your indecent proposal.

-Sweet!

-CROWD CHEERS

-Take care of them, won't you?

-Oh, don't worry, mate.

I've got a ball for each of them.

APPLAUSE

Go on, granny! You're better at it than she is!

Oh, you nearly got me out!

MUSIC: "X Gon' Give It To Ya"

FUNERAL BELLS

OK!

There we are!

HE BLOWS IMAGINARY TRUMPET

-INTERCOM:

-'Congratulations!

'You are attending another on-time funeral

'courtesy of Everest And Son No-frills Funeral Services!'

That'll be £11.55, please.

Excuse me?

£11.55?

-What for?

-The journey.

Pickup at St Michael's Church, going to Celbridge Cemetery.

You're charging us for riding in the hearse?

It's not a hearse, love.

It's a funa-cab.

Here.

Ah, 50.

You don't have anything smaller, do you?

No!

Sorry about all the change, love.

It'll come in handy at the open casket later, though.

It's 50p a pop.

Crrrrrk!

Just dropped off that Celbridge fare, Daddy.

'Mind the traffic on the way back.

'There's a terrible accident on the motorway.'

An accident?

I'll swing by with some flyers.

-Have we got any parents in tonight?

-CROWD: Yes!

Very good. It's such a big responsibility being a parent.

You know, even naming your kid is such a responsibility.

One decision, and you can put a target on a kid's back

for the rest of their life.

I know a couple whose surname is Knight,

and they named their kid

Tamara.

Who does that? Who does that?

Do you know, I told a mate of mine about this,

and he said, "That's nothin', "I had two Great-aunt Fannies."

You don't see many kids named Fanny nowadays, do you?

I mean, who looks at their newborn baby and goes,

"Ach, she's lovely, what'll we call her?"

"I don't know, I think she looks like a Fanny."

It's a complete minefield,

and never wonder celebrities are just making names up.

My choices are pretty limited, too.

Could you imagine me going into Tyrone,

and introducing my brood to all the PJs, the TJs and the JPs?

"All right, here you go, these are my kids.

"That's Romeo,

"Foxtrot,

"Wagonwheel,

"Optimus Prime,

"and Apple Corr.

"Now, you kids play nice with PJ, JP and TJ.

"And Apple, if you're going to stay at JP's,

"make sure you bring your PJs."

At 7pm, it's Bruce Forsyth's Generation Game.

But first it's George Best 1 - 0 Crime.

That's right. It's The George Best Mysteries.

# When I saw you you looked like a diamond

# As you played in the dust and the grime

# Just a boy from the country of Ireland

# And I knew I could make you shine

# Cos you move like a downtown dancer

# With your hair hung down like a mane

# And your feet play tricks like a juggler

# As you weave to the sound of your name

# Georgie, Georgie

# They call you the Belfast Boy

# Georgie, Georgie

# They call you the Belfast Boy

# And they say Georgie, Georgie Keep your feet on the ground

# Georgie, Georgie When you listen to the sound

# Georgie, Georgie Put a light on your name

# Yeah, yeah, yeah Play the game... #

No, thanks.

# ..play the game, boy Play the game. #

Ooh! Ooh la la. Oh, George!

-Eggs for breakfast!

-Oh, je t'aime.

Ou est le pamplemousse?

Non. C'est un daddy.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Oh, George. George!

Yeah... It's for the best.

Oh, George!

# When I saw you you looked like a diamond

# As you played in the dust and the grime

# Just a boy from the country of Ireland... #

-Georgie!

-Wee Davie Healey. How's your tackle coming along?

Great, Georgie. My ma says it'll get bigger if I stop messing with it.

Where's Monsieur ROBO, Georgie?

I don't know. I'm not his lover - mother.

Nothing... I mean, why?

Big Pat's been kidnapped.

I knew I hadn't heard the last of slack Alison...

Where am I?

Hey! Where did it all go wrong, George?

THEY LAUGH

What?

Just say what you see!

THEY LAUGH

My shoelaces are tied together.

All my power's in my football boots...you know?

"The power's in my football boots"!

THEY LAUGH

Goal...

Goal...

-Georgie!

-It's time he paid the penalty.

I really have to go home for my tea now, Georgie.

The George Best Mysteries will return after this...you know?

Ha! That's a good one there.

-What's that you're reading, Bobby? Cartoons?

-The obituaries, son.

We were thinking about adding to our household.

Oh, my goodness! How exciting!

Watch yourself. Her dad'll rip your...

-We're thinking about getting a pet, Bobby.

-Oh!

What sort of a pet, then, son?

To be honest, Bobby, we can't make up our minds.

We did think about something boring like a goldfish.

A goldfish'll only die on you

and then you end up flushing it down the toilet.

-What about a guinea pig?

-I don't think you could flush one of those down the toilet.

You could, aye.

I think I'd prefer a rabbit.

-Have you ever seen a rabbit with myxomatosis, son?

-No.

Head swells up till she's almost twice the normal size

-and she explodes all over the place.

-Or we could just get a dog.

Didn't you have a dog, Bobby?

Och, you loved that wee dog, didn't you, Bobby?

What happened to him?

Bit the testicle off a Mormon and ran away.

A camel in Belfast Zoo bit off a woman's hand.

Here I am in Korma Chameleon on Newry's metropolitan High Street

finishing off one of the most unsettling feeds of my entire life.

'At a distance, the food seemed simple and uncomplicated.

'A recognisable mix of meat, sauce and rice.

'Which earned them an early McDaid.

'But the menu was full of strange words,

'few of which were pronounceable.'

Naan...

'When the waiter explained the chilli spice ranking system,

'I immediately impressed the missus

'and ordered the hottest thing on the menu.'

Up to you. I won't be responsible.

'..before she headed off to drop a spicy meatball of her own.'

The lock on the cubicle door was busted,

but luckily the door was within reach of a foot to hold it closed.

There was a man in the toilet with us selling deodorant,

chewing gum and mints.

At first, confusing. But ultimately, a timely exchange.

20 pence bought eight pieces of gum

and some Lynx Africa to wage war on her abomination.

Meanwhile, our dishes of meat and rice in sauce

with bread had arrived,

but was too fancy with too many colours,

-exceeding my stipulated three-colour maximum.

-BUZZER

Oh! 'My strange feed was hardly hot at all. Or so I let them think

so as not to lose face.

SHE FARTS

HE FARTS

-It was that

-BLEEP.

As the battle between food and Maurice raged on,

-my mind turned to the aftermath.

-BELLY RUMBLES

The carb-heavy spiciness were already playing hardball

with her IBS.

Finally, the food was gone.

And no-one knew nothing of my spicy turmoil.

HE FARTS

To summarise,

the food was A, hot, B, Indian,

and C, there was shitloads of it.

A top tip in dealing with the repercussions of a fiery meal -

make sure to put at least two bog rolls in the fridge

before you go to bed.

HE FARTS

I hereby award Korma Chameleon two Maurice McDaids out of five.

Bon appetit.

HE FARTS

Aaah!

-Morning, Julie.

-Watch where you're parking your car, Albert Dumbledick.

-Grow some balls!

-He's such an arsehole, that guy.

-You're sweet.

-What are you doing talking to her?

-I've had enough of this! Right, you!

-Barry?

-You challenge me with a bin on the head?

I'm the Arse Goblin.

Unless you prefer the Muff Gruffler.

I just want to keep my job, sir.

I admire your balls.

Do I fancy a pint with Julie?

You bet your sweet balls I do!

# One more time... #

MUSIC: "One More Time" by Daft Punk

You came!

-Hiya.

-What's up, ladies?

Barman, two pints and four tequilas, please.

So, did you get the sack?

No!

Seriously?

I know. I thought me arse was out the door.

-Do you want to go for a dance?

-Me?

No.

Oh, come on, please.

Sorry. I'm not much of a dancer.

Don't worry. Barry couldn't dance either.

Balls!

Great balls of fire, son! Have I taught you nothing?

Just when your pomme de terres showed promise, you lost her!

She even compared you to Barry the ballbag, son. Tragic!

What? David Dick-and-dick.

You're sweet.

Balls.

Balls to it!

Go on, son! Hey, big balls!

Go on, Neil, you legend!

It looks like Billy Big Balls over there doesn't need me any more.

His arse is owning that dance floor.

I'm the Muff Gruffler.

Ow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Watch out, mate.

Shut up, fatty.

Hey!

Grow some balls!

All this TV stuff must be really strange for my parents.

Mums are supportive, whereas dads give advice,

so I asked my mum, what did she think of it?

And she says, "Well, son,

"I'm very proud.

"I liked Eamonn Holmes." Eamonn Holmes was in the first series

for about 30 seconds, that was it.

And so I asked my dad, and he said,

"Aye, it was grand."

And I don't know what sort of a response I was looking for,

maybe pride, I don't know.

Seven years ago, I used to be a welder,

and now I was living my own dream, doing what I wanted to do.

And so I said to him, "What did you think? What did you think of it?"

And he looks me square in the eye,

and in a big mid-Ulster farmer accent, he said,

"Son...

"..don't you get too big for your boots.

"You shite the same as everybody else."

Roaming around this perfectly plush pad turns a man's mind

to his memories.

Perhaps the time when radio's Anderson

and TV's Kelly wrestled as naked as the day they were born

to decide who is Northern Ireland's best Gerry.

The perfect match. Anderson, spry, bronzed and cat-like.

And Kelly, a brutal, brawny, belligerent, bearded bear!

The ebb and flow continued into the night.

By morning, as guests tucked into a luxury breakfast, still they toiled,

neither man wishing to lose his grip on his naked,

oily Gerry and the accolade that lay beyond him.

And when all was said and done, both Gerries lay flaccid,

spent men, enjoying a good cry.

And the winner, the best Gerry of them all?

Well, I never tell.

We now return to the George Best Mysteries, you know?

WOMAN SOBS

MAN MOANS IN PAIN

Oooh! Aaah! Aah! Aah!

-What have they done to Big Pat, Doctor?

-I don't know.

But whatever it is, it's killing him.

Aah! Aaaah!

HE SCREAMS

What have you done to Pat Jennings, you horrible bastards?!

Come on, George. Where's the antidote?

Eggs for breakfast.

HE CONTINUES TO MOAN

Hey!

Now, that's what I call a flat back four.

# Georgie... #

Yow!

My God! His hands! They're massive!

Thank you, Georgie!

But what was the secret antidote?

Nutmeg.

You know?

What?

Looks like you've got your hands full there, Big Pat.

-I sure do, Georgie.

-HE CHUCKLES

What are you wearing there, you wee hoolie?

My ma got me the new Brazil shirt.

We're not Brazil.

We're Northern Ireland.

Hello there, and welcome here to A Wander Wi' Willie.

Lesley the animal expert is going to show me how to deal

with a very murderous animal.

Yes.

Ah, yes, Willie, I named those ones rabbits.

They can be very frightening now, but whatever you do, you must stay calm.

OK, Lesley.

Yes, Willie, yes!

No, Willie!

You've killed him, Willie!

HE SHRIEKS HYSTERICALLY

You killed him!

HE CONTINUES TO SHRIEK

Mmm! Mmm!

That's a nice wee doggie.

DOG BARKS GENTLY

-A special kind of doggie, Willy.

-Why's that, then, Lesley?

-You see when he won't stop barking? He's a punting dog.

-A hunting dog?

No, no, no. A punting dog.

Wow. That was some punt.

Did you like that, kid? Let's go find you a punting dog.

# Who can take a sunrise

# Who can take a sunrise

# Sprinkle it with dew

# Sprinkle it with dew

# Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two

# The candyman

# The candyman

# Ooh, the candyman can

# The candyman can

# The candyman can

# Cos he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

# He makes the world taste good

# Who can take a rainbow

# Who can take a rainbow

# Wrap it in a sigh

# Wrap it in a sigh

# Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie?

# The candyman

# The candyman

# The candyman can

# The candyman can

# The candyman can

# Cos he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good... #

Well, there you have it. What a day we've had.

I've seen a hedge hog, a rab-bit, and some punting dogs.

And Lesley the animal man has taught me

that I can make animals more scared of me than I am of them.

If only I could fiddle with them.

# Who can take a rainbow

# Who can take a rainbow...? #

My name has been Diarmuid Corr,

you've been fantastic, thank you, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, there you have it. How about this?

Holy crap!

-Yow!

-Cry on at ye burial.

What could be nicer? Cash in the bank.

Eggs for breakfast.

Stop trying to put words into my mouth.

Aaah!

Excuse me.

-They take your kidneys out in youth hostels.

-Bollocks.

Kick the balls out the door, George.

You do the math.

And start using your hairy brain.

Just say what you see!

Bon appetit.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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