Episode 1 Smith and Jones: Prime Cuts
Similar Content
Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
The programme that we're about to watch is | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
a taste of Melvin Kenneth Smith in action. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:09 | |
Mel, Smudger... Cecil B deMel, as he was known to some people... | 0:00:09 | 0:00:15 | |
was a man of protean talents, who certainly loved life. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:20 | |
It was an incredible shock to all of us that he had died so early. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:26 | |
Although, I think there were a few of us | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
who thought it was a bit of shock he survived so long. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
He did love life, Mel. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
He tended to seize it by the lapels, give it a good old shake | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
and take it out to dinner. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
And he was certainly... | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
He was certainly never one to leave a party early. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:45 | |
We shall miss him. This is an extract, as it were, | 0:00:45 | 0:00:49 | |
from a television series that we made for the BBC. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
I think, altogether, we made about 30 hours of sketch show. | 0:00:55 | 0:01:00 | |
Archaeologists tell me that this one dates from around 1995. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:06 | |
If you've never seen Mel before, | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
then this is obviously a chance to catch up with him. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
If you have, well, this will reacquaint you with his bristly chin, | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
Rembrandt nose and impeccable timing. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
MUFFLED SQUEAKING | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
MUFFLED GROANS OF MAN AND WOMAN | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
SQUEAKING AND GROANING CONTINUE | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
-MAN: -Oh! Oh, yeah! Yeah! Ah! Oh! | 0:01:36 | 0:01:40 | |
-WOMAN: -Oh, yes! Yes! -Yeah! Yeah! -Ohhhh! -Ohh! | 0:01:40 | 0:01:44 | |
SQUEAKING STOPS | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Are your parents going to be staying long? | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
-This is a bit of a treat for us because... -Hold on. Sorry, hang on. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
Sorry. Sorry. No. I can't start. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
I can't... | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
-Sorry. I can't find something. -What is the matter? | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
Erm.. I've... God. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
I've lost something. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
The audience mainly, I think. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
-It's a... -Your credibility? Have you lost it somewhere? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:48 | |
"I had my credibility here somewhere - I've just lost it." | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
No. It's-it's-it's a little silver box. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
Oh, right. What? Like this, you mean? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Yeah, it's very much... | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
-That's it! -Argh! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
Oh, thank God for that. Thank God for that. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
-Can you give it to me? -Whoo! | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
GRIFF LAUGHS | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
-Thanks very much. -Whoo! -For God's sake. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Don't be so bloody childish. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Me, childish? | 0:03:12 | 0:03:13 | |
Now, will you tell us...? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Why don't you tell us all what this is, Mel? What is it? | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
MEL WHISPERS | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
Hello, Sam, I think Mel's mic is broken here. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
-I can't... -It's a silver snuff box, for God's sake! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
-It's a what? Silver snuff box. MUMBLES: -It's a lucky... | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
It's a LUCKY... | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
..silver snuff box. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
-Just... -Ooh! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Just... Look, leave it. Just don't touch it, please! | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
No. But there's something in here, isn't there? Something inside. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
There is... There is something inside. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Well, of course there is. Actually... | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
Actually, it's a four-leaf clover. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
MURMURS OF LAUGHTER | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
It's a four-leaf clover, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
-Which, if you weren't aware of it, Griff, is actually very rare. -Yes. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
Well, I know they're rare cos they only grow in leprechaun's | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
-gardens, don't they? -Oh, shut up! | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
-It's a fake! -It is not a fake! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
Don't touch it! I'm sorry. I know this looks pathetic. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:15 | |
I know this looks pathetic. I'm sorry. I apologise. But... | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
The story about how that four-leaf clover came to me | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
is quite extraordinary, ladies and gentlemen, it really is. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
See... | 0:04:24 | 0:04:25 | |
Apparently, my great uncle on my mother's side, he was... | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
He was... | 0:04:29 | 0:04:30 | |
He was in the trenches. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
What? He worked for the Gas Board, you mean? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
-In the war. In the First World War, yes. -Oh, in the war? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Right in the war, yes. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
-We're all listening. Yes, go on. -And one... -Yeah. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
..very early dawn, they were all hunkered down there, | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
waiting for the final push. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:53 | |
GRIFF MAKES TRUMPET NOISE | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
And there was that eerie silence... | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
Yes. That always comes when you tell one of these stories. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
..that always comes just after the bombardments have ceased. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
And there, crouched down in the gore and the mud, was my Uncle Athol. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:10 | |
Your Uncle Athol? | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
-Athol Smith. -Ah, right. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
-This was Granny Smith's husband. -That was his name. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
-Anyway, he was... -Yeah. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:21 | |
He was just about to go over the top. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Right, so it runs in the family. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
He was waiting for the order, you know, to attack, | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
when, down there amongst the devastation, he spotted | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
something very, very small and green, | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
just poking through the Flanders mud. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
He bent down to examine it more closely | 0:05:37 | 0:05:38 | |
and it was that selfsame lucky four-leaf clover. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
I say "lucky" because, at that precise moment, | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
as he bent down, a 22-inch Howitzer shell went 'zoom', | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
straight across where his head had been | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
and completely wiped out the rest of his platoon. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
Ah. So it wasn't very lucky for them then. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
Perhaps not but, since that time... | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
..that heirloom has meant something indefinable to my family. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
It's... | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
It's value is incalculable. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
I know you find it funny but... | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
..it's very, very precious to me. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
-Can I have it, please? -Erm... | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There we are. -Thanks. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Just put it back away in your pocket. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
Be best there. It's safest there. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
But DON'T you think...? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
It's a little bit silly just to think that something as sort of... | 0:06:26 | 0:06:31 | |
As ordinary as a piece of mutant organic matter should be | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
responsible in some way for your fortune? | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
What can I say? It works for me. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
# You're driving to the office in a world of your own | 0:06:53 | 0:06:58 | |
# Or maybe you've been shopping and you're about to ring home | 0:06:58 | 0:07:03 | |
# Some easy listening radio has helped the kids to nap | 0:07:03 | 0:07:08 | |
# But as Jimmy Young meanders on, you're heading for a trap | 0:07:08 | 0:07:13 | |
MONKEYS SQUEAL | 0:07:15 | 0:07:20 | |
# We're windscreen wipers | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
# Squeegee snipers | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
# The lights turn red and out we pop | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
# We blackmail drivers So get out your fivers | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
# Got a smile on our face and a chamois in our hand | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
# And a bucket and a mop | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
# We're high-speed soapsud psychos with our high-speed windscreen wash | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
# Gonna spray your screens with grease and slime | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
# And relive you of your dosh | 0:07:52 | 0:07:53 | |
# No bus, no tram, no transit van escapes our chamois leather | 0:08:09 | 0:08:13 | |
# Cos once you've stopped, you're buggered | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
# Anywhere or any weather | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
# Zebra crossings, roundabouts You'll be done sooner or later | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
# And never guess we filled our buckets from your radiator | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
# We're windscreen wipers Squeegee snipers | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
# The lights turn red and out we pop | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
# We're the urban guerrillas | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
# We'll adjust your mirrors | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
# With a smile on our face and a chamois in our hand | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
# And a bucket and a mop. # | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
There we are, Michael Thomas, Great Britain. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
Big lad. He's putting everything into that but... | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Oh, no. No, that's a bit low. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
It's fading now. I think he's... Oh! | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
Oh, no. Now, this is quite unexpected but... | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
But it is adding something there. No. No. He's back the other way. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
Wait. Wait. No. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
Now, he's coming up to the 90-yard line. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Is he going to cross it? Is he going to cross it? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
He's over the 90-metre line! This is fantastic! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
This is an opportunity in British athletics like we've never seen! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
And he's down! And it's a record! | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
Well, that's... That's quite unexpected. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS | 0:09:38 | 0:09:44 | |
Please, Miss, don't be alarmed. I mean you no harm. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
You see, I'm being pursued by some agents | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
who mean this great country ill. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
It is imperative I meet with the Prime Minister by noon tomorrow - | 0:09:55 | 0:09:59 | |
they will have me dead before I do so. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
If I beg you, please, when I release my hand, do not make a sound. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:08 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
I must ask you to think again about that great country we call England. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:21 | |
At this moment, you hold the safety of it in your hands. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
Do you understand? | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
And you promise not to scream? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
It is of the utmost importance that you remain calm. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:10:36 | 0:10:37 | |
Er, excuse me, Miss, is everything all right? | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
-I thought I heard screaming. -Oh, yes, I'm fine. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
How are you, darling? | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
What? | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
Oh... | 0:10:51 | 0:10:52 | |
Splendid, thank you. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
Thank heavens you saw the truth of... | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:10:59 | 0:11:00 | |
Could have sworn I heard screaming, Miss. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
Really? Perhaps it's coming from the next compartment. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:08 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:11:19 | 0:11:20 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
I really must ask you, Miss, what you are doing. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
I must confide in you. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:29 | |
I admit, I caused this young lady some alarm but, you see, | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
I'm being followed by agents of a hostile foreign power. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
The peace of this great nation of ours | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
rests almost entirely in my hands. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
I must be in London by noon tomorrow. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Can I trust you in this momentous hour? | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
TRUMPET MUSIC | 0:11:48 | 0:11:52 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
HE GRUNTS | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
HE SNORTS | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:12:32 | 0:12:36 | |
HE GRUNTS | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
I've definitely got a cold, you know. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
Good. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
HE COUGHS LOUDLY | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
I'm sorry. I'm not very good company, am I? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
Aren't you(?) | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
I'm all sort of blocked up. I'm all gooey and it's like... | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
It's like I've got snails slithering down my... | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
Oh, please! Please! Please! | 0:13:20 | 0:13:21 | |
God. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:26 | |
Can I get you anything at all? | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Like a taxi. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:33 | |
Look, I can't breathe, all right? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
For heaven's sake. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
Look, here we are. I have a cough sweet. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
-I don't want a cough sweet. -Have a cough sweet. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
-My nasal passages are in tatters. -Have a cough sweet. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
It's not one of those hot ones, is it? | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
Just take it, please. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
I don't want it being a hot one. I mean... | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
HE SUCKS LOUDLY | 0:13:59 | 0:14:03 | |
Argh! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
Hoo! Hoo! | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
-Argh! -Spit it out! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
Argh! | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
Argh! | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
And the sweet, come on. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:07 | 0:15:11 | |
OPERA PLAYS | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
HE SINGS POWERFULLY | 0:15:15 | 0:15:24 | |
Wank. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:26 | |
Did you hear something at the end there? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
-Better... Better run it once again. -Hmm. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
-Er, Gregorio? -Si? | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
We seemed to have a little trouble at the end there. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
Could we take it again? Just the last bit. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Just the very last part? | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
OK. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:51 | |
HE SINGS | 0:15:54 | 0:16:02 | |
Wank. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:03 | |
What's he saying there? Wank? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
Yes, it is. I think it's wank. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
-Er, Gregorio? -Si. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
You seem to be taking on a wank there. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
Can we try it again without the wank? | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
I was not aware of it. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
I think there's a wank there. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
HE CLEARS THROAT | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
HE SINGS | 0:16:30 | 0:16:38 | |
Wank. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Almost perfect... | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
except you're still saying wank. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
Can we try it again...without the wank? | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
It's just a bit superfluous. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
You don't really need it... the wank. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
Yeah. If you could stop short of the wank. That possible? | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
-No wank? -Very well. One. One, OK? One. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:03 | |
-OK. Let's go. -HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:17:03 | 0:17:07 | |
HE SINGS | 0:17:09 | 0:17:14 | |
Not too sure about that one. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
No. Gregorio, I think you're right. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
I think it's better with the wank. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS | 0:17:32 | 0:17:37 | |
SQUEAKING | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
Everything all right, sir? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
Yeah. I'm just doing a spot of ironing, officer. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
-Right. -Thank you. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
HE GROANS | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
Hurrrgh! | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
Oi! | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
Oi! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Sorry. I'm sorry, mate, I was miles away. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
What's...? Dear, oh, dear. What state are you in? What's wrong? | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
-I'm just... I've not been sleeping very well. -No? | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
No. I've got... I've got a little bit of trouble... | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
with the sleeping at the moment because... | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
I'm having this terrible recurring nightmare. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
What is it? | 0:18:58 | 0:18:59 | |
It's a dream what comes over and over again. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
I know that. Obviously, I know that. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
I know... What I'm saying is, what is the dream about? | 0:19:20 | 0:19:22 | |
Oh, right. In my dream, I am... | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
I'm at work, right? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:26 | |
Well, that's incredible(!) | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
So, I'm at International Meat Recovery, right? | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
-What, the sausage factory? -The sausage factory, yeah. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
-I'm working on the old sausage line. -On the sausage line, yeah. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
-Chugga-chugga-chugga... -I know. The old sausage-chopping machine. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:40 | |
That's right. There's all the people around everywhere | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
-and I'm on the old sausage line... -Chugga-chugga-chugga... | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
..only I've got no clothes on. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:47 | |
You... | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
-I'm stark-bollock naked. -You're stark-bollock naked... | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
-working on the sausage-chopping machine. -Yeah. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
Well, that's a nightmare, obviously. Terrible nightmare, of course it is. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
-But the thing is... -Yeah, go on. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
..I'm naked except for... | 0:20:04 | 0:20:05 | |
I've got this tiny vest. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
A little vest. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
-A tiny little vest like this, right? -Yeah. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
I'm pulling at the vest... | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
I'm pulling it down. I'm pulling it as hard as I can. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
And no matter how hard I pull it, I can't cover... | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
-I can't cover... -Cover your embarrassment. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
My cock. I can't cover my cock. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:23 | |
-It won't come down far enough. -Ah. Now, actually, funnily enough... | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
This is... This, actually, is very common. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
Is it? Well, Marks & Spencer should do something about it. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
No. No. Not... Not the... | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
Not the vest bit. The dream is a very, very common dream. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
-A lot of people have this dream. -Do they? -Oh, yeah. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
Now, you see... Cos I know a lot about this. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
Now, basically, what's happening here | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
is that there is something in your past you're ashamed of, right? | 0:20:43 | 0:20:47 | |
You're ashamed of your past and you know what you're doing? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
-Yeah. -You're repressing that. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
You are repressing that thing in your past. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
How do you know that then? | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
Woman's Hour, as you do. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
And... | 0:20:57 | 0:20:58 | |
The thing is, can you think what that might be? | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
That thing that happened in your past... | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
that you're ashamed of. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
No. I can't think of anything. I can't think of nothing at all... | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
..except that time I went to work with no clothes on. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
Is this your son? | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
-HE GASPS -Oh, God. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
HE SOBS | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
No, I can't. I can't... | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
HE CONTINUES SOBBING | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Well, come on! Is it or isn't it?! | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
Well, it's my own hair, actually. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:40 | 0:21:46 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
Well, I think it's stupid to get Peter Greenaway to do the video. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:10 | |
Oh, please, no. Just let us... | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
Stop it. Stop it. Stop. Stop. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Please, just don't do that. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
God, you're a brute. You're a horrible, horrible brute. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:25 | |
Stop it! Look, just take that. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
And cut. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
Please. Sorry, that's great. I think... | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
We're missing something here because it's good but this is weak. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
This... You hate this man, right? | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
He's a loathsome, repellent slug! | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
You know, he's a bastard, isn't he? | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
-He's a bastard. -Bastard. Bastard! | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
Yeah, but that still feels weak, you see. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
It felts quite strong to me. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
I think... Just a little bit... | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Bastard! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:53 | |
Don't be afraid of it. Come on. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
Bastard! Bastard! Bastard! | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
Hang on. Just a minute. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
Let me try this. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:02 | |
Bastard! Bastard! Bastard! | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
-Actually, Alan... -Hang on. Hang on a minute, please. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
-Just a minute. -Sorry, I just was... | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
Bastard! | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
Bastard! Bastard! | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
Bastard! Bastard! Bastard! | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
Bastard! | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
Or... | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
I think that's too... | 0:23:34 | 0:23:35 | |
How about...? Bastard! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
Bastard! | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
-Argh! -I don't think... | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
Her character wouldn't do that. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
-No? -Let's start again. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
Come straight in, really close, look him in the eyes and say, | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
"I hate you, you bastard." | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
Grab him by the bollocks and twist... | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:23:54 | 0:23:55 | |
Twist. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:56 | |
OK? How does that feel? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
-Cheryl. -Doug. -Cheryl. -Doug. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
-Cheryl. -Oh, Doug. -Cheryl. -Doug. -Cheryl. -Doug. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
-Oh, Doug. -Oh, Cheryl. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
Oh, Doug. Oh, Doug. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Oh, Doug. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:25 | |
-Cheryl. -Oh, Doug. -Cheryl. -Oh, Doug. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
-Cheryl! -CLANKING -Oh, Doug! | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
You're naughty. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
My false leg's fallen off. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
I'll put it back on for you. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
Where does it go? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:39 | |
All right. Now, pay attention. We're all ready to go, OK? | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
Now, Nick, harness secure, yes? Helmet all right? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
OK. Now, you hold onto the rope. Stand facing me. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
You OK, mate? A little bit nervous. Don't worry. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
It's a bit nerve-racking first time. OK. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
So, now, I want you to keep your feet secure | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
and trail out the rope as you descend, OK? | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
All right. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
And...go! | 0:25:03 | 0:25:04 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:25:04 | 0:25:13 | |
Right. Did anybody see what happened there? | 0:25:16 | 0:25:20 | |
You didn't tie the rope onto anything. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
Correct. I did not tie the rope onto anything. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:29 | |
Never, never, never not tie the rope onto anything, OK? | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
Right, who's going next? | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
Look, I'm sorry, would you mind if I pushed in? | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
-No, not at all. -Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
Oi, just a minute. Just a minute. Hey, just a minute. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
-Just a minute. Just a minute. -What? -What do you think you're doing? | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
-You can't just push in like that. -What? He doesn't mind. -I don't mind. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
-See, he doesn't mind. -Hang on. Just-just-just a minute. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:58 | |
It's not up to him to mind or not to mind. I mind. I mind! | 0:25:58 | 0:26:02 | |
And, if I mind, he should mind. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
I mind and he doesn't mind that I mind. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
Piss off. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
No. Just a minute. Hang on. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:11 | |
Hang on. Just a minute. Hello. Just a minute. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
Look, listen, mate... Look, look, you're not just... | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
You're not just pushing in front of him, | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
you see, you're pushing in front of everybody... | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
You're pushing in front of the whole queue here. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
-You're pushing in front of the... -I'm in a hurry. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
What does that mean, "I'm in a hurry"? I'm in a hurry. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
-I'm not in a hurry. -Oh, shut up, you! | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
You should never have let him push in front of you in the first place. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
You've no thought for other people, you haven't. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
Yes, I have. I was thinking of him. He's in a hurry. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
Why don't you just leave him alone? Stop bullying him, all right? | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
-Bully?! Me?! -Yeah, you! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
Me start bullying him?! I'm bullying him now, am I?! | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
You push in front of him and I'm a bully! | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
-You're a bully! -I'm a bully?! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
-You're a bloody bully! -BOTH SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
I'll tell you what I'll do, you come in front of me then. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
If you're in such a hurry, go on, you come in front of me then! | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
I don't want to go in front of you - that's not the point. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
-Well, what is the point then? -The point... | 0:26:54 | 0:26:56 | |
The point is I don't want you to go in front of me, that's the point! | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
-That's the point. -Look, you go in front of him, right? | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
You'll be in the same position in the queue. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:03 | |
You were behind him. Now, you'll be behind me. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
Now, what's the difference? | 0:27:06 | 0:27:07 | |
Well, the difference is... The difference is... | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
Well, it's a terrible imposition on this man, | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
-that's the difference, isn't it? -Yes, but I don't mind! | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
Oh, well, if you want to be bossed around your whole life, who cares? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
You stay there then! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:19 | |
You shouldn't let people push in front of you like that. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
I've got all the time in the world, you see. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
What would happen if everybody just pushed...? | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
BOTH TALK OVER EACH OTHER | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
Just a minute! Just a minute. What do you think you're doing? | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
You can't just push in front like that! | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
-You can't! -Why not? -Well, because I was here first. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
-No, you weren't, I was. -No, you weren't. -Yes, he was. -Well, I was. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
Well, yes, he was. Yes. But... But he let me come in front of him. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
-Just like I've let him come in front of me. -N-no, no! | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
He only let me come in front of him | 0:27:47 | 0:27:48 | |
because he let you go in front of him. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
I'd have never have let him let me go in front of him | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
if I'd known you were going to let him go in front of you. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
-Well, I thought that was obvious. -Who was here first? -Well, I was. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
-Well, I'll serve you next. -No, no, no, you won't! | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
He doesn't want to be served first. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:12 | |
He's got all the time in the world, apparently. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
Look, I'll tell you what we're going to do. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
You made such a bloody fuss about it, | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
why don't you go first? You go first! You go first! | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
I don't want to go first. ALL: Go first! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:26 | |
I'll have 20,000 5p pieces, please. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 | |
It's all right. It's OK. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
It's all right. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:01 | |
I'm in a bit of a hurry and... | 0:29:04 | 0:29:06 | |
I've peed in my pants now. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:08 | |
# Hope you've had your money's worth | 0:29:10 | 0:29:13 | |
# And been delirious with mirth | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
# What they say I guess it's true | 0:29:16 | 0:29:19 | |
# Comedy's the hardest thing to do | 0:29:19 | 0:29:21 | |
# As the evening sort of ends | 0:29:22 | 0:29:26 | |
# Time to say auf wiedersehen | 0:29:26 | 0:29:28 | |
# The show was patchy at its best | 0:29:29 | 0:29:31 | |
# But let's not all get too depressed... # | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
And just remember, he ain't heavy, he's just well-covered. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:39 | |
And don't forget, there's only so much you can do with a weasel. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:44 | |
# That's it | 0:29:46 | 0:29:47 | |
# There'll be no funny bits after this bit | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
# This is the end of it | 0:29:49 | 0:29:51 | |
# No tiny titbit stuck on just after it | 0:29:51 | 0:29:55 | |
# This is the end, end, end... # | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:29:57 | 0:29:59 |