Episode 1 Some Girls

This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

# Really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I can't change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life this is my life, this is my life. #

Hurry up! You're going to be late, Viva!

'Some girls, you take one look at them and you think you know all about them, right?

'Well, look again.

'I mean, just cos we live on an estate, we aren't all single mums with drug problems.

'Though, obviously, some of us are.'

Hey, Mel.

'No way you'd catch me having a baby.

'Soon as I finish sixth form, I'll be off to uni.

'I might do psychology. I mean, I already know loads of people who are a bit mental.'

Baldie's been up all night, screaming his big bald head off.

Careful, you're dropping ash on him.

Whoops, sorry mate.

Had any breakfast?

'That's Mel. I don't know how she gets through the day.

'Well, I do.

'Cider, mostly.'

Hey!

'My girl Amber has been my friend since... Well, always, really.

'She's proper jokes with no issues.

'Unless being a bit thick is an issue.'

THUDDING

So did you see Brandon last night?

Oh, yeah, but I'm a bit worried. It's not the same any more.

When we used to kiss, it was like this lovely, whooshy, tingly feeling,

straight to my pants, but now I can't stop thinking what I'm thinking.

Like, last night I was thinking, "How come Brandon's goldfish got so fat?"

And then suddenly I felt Brandon's tongue flicking that dangly bit

at the back of my throat and I was like, "Oh, yeah, this is occurring."

-See you there.

-What, you think I should dump him?

Yeah, dump him, what a loser!

I haven't completely made up my mind yet, anyway. I don't know what to do.

What are you all looking at?

-Did Brandon do that?

-That is well creepy.

He's even signed it.

He's got really babyish handwriting. Hate boys who don't have interesting writing.

Like you've got a massive choice. "Oh, Max from The Wanted,

"let me test you on your writing before I let you bang me."

Just cos you'd do it with anyone for a packet of Tangfastics. I value my body a bit higher than that.

You calling me easy? You calling me easy?

-I didn't say that.

-What did you mean, then? What did you mean? Huh? Huh?!

'Holli's violent outbursts are legendary,

'but if she hits someone again, she'll be permanently excluded,

'so she's had to find other ways to release her aggression.'

But I've never dumped anyone before. I don't know how to start.

Just tell him straight - "Hey, bruv, you're a bit too weird for me."

You could reply to him on your boobs. Write, "It's over, I never want to see you again.

"PS, You are a creepy weirdo loser, do you get me?"

If only my boobs were that big.

Or you could just send him a text saying, "Go fuck yourself."

No, if I did that he'd get upset

and when he gets upset he does this thing.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

Just tell him, no messing about, "I've had enough of you."

-But what if he does the face?

-Punch it!

What are you doing here? Are you waiting for me?

I can't go bus stop with you today, I've got football practice. You'll be all right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Who's that?

Her name's Aliyah. I'm her mentor cos she's getting bullied.

-Poor kid.

-I know. Some of the Year 7s in her class are right bitches.

I meant having you as a mentor.

'Saz has got an interesting personality.'

Do I look disabled?

'On the outside, she's proper sarcastic with serious attitude problems...'

Shall I explain it to you again?

-'..but on the inside...'

-Keepy-uppies not keepy-downies.

'..the same.'

-NEW ZEALAND ACCENT:

-Come on, ladies! Let's get warmed up.

Here we go. And reach, and reach, and reach.

Got some great news for you girls. We're playing Westmount this Friday.

Yes, it's revenge time!

Punching out now. Punch and punch and punch.

-Now, we all remember what happened last time we played Westmount.

-I don't like blood, Miss.

- It wasn't that bad, Saz. - It was, Miss.

Hayley's head was like a giant fountain spraying the pitch with blood.

-The head is an area that bleeds a lot - it looked worse than it was.

-Her nose was broken.

That's quite bad.

-She still having counselling?

-She's got to get surgery on her face.

After what happened, she had an extra nostril.

Ugh! Stop talking about it.

Shut up! Forget last year. That was last year.

It was completely different last year!

-Yeah, last year Hayley only had two nostrils.

-GIRLS LAUGH

Viva! You're not wearing white socks. That's a detention. 20 press-ups!

- That's not fair, Miss. - 30 press-ups! You too, Holli.

And this is what a proper press-up looks like.

Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch.

You heard what they're saying about her?

-I'm starving.

-You know where the kitchen is.

Would it kill you to get me a snack ready?

I'm not prepared to take that risk. You're late tonight.

Yeah, my stupid Nazi football coach gave me a detention.

Are you just going to sit there and let her abuse me, Rob?

No, course not.

Well, actually, I am going to sit here, and...

-I'll get back to you on the other one.

-She made me stay behind to scrub the balls,

for no other reason except to torture me. For fun.

They were muddy and sweaty.

Switty? What's that?

Sweaty. Sweaty.

Sweaty. She's saying sweaty.

There's a rumour going around that you're pregnant. Everyone's talking about it.

Well, you'll be wanting to nip that in the bud, I expect.

Oh, for God's sake! You're not telling me it's true?

I mean, how? Why?

We have to listen to endless lectures about contraception,

and you two can't even...!

You're going to have to get rid of it. I mean, it's really easy.

Chanelle had a termination last month and she was back in school by dinner time.

I'm going to text her now. I'll get the number for the clinic...

No, no, no. Viva, it was planned.

Plend?

It was PLANNED.

-Was it?

-Yeah. We wanted to get pregnant,

and four weeks later I was ticking it off my to do list. Oh, yes!

You didn't really have it on a to do list, did you?

-A to do list is a highly effective tool.

-Does Jamie know?

No, we were going to tell you both this evening. Jamie...

me and Anna are having a baby.

JAMIE LAUGHS

Jamie, they're having a baby.

So? I'm busy.

Well, where will it sleep?

First off, the baby will sleep in our room.

Then when you go off to uni...

Or to work in Poundland or Micky D's or whatever.

..the baby will have your room.

-So you're throwing me out?

-No, that will not happen.

Yes, basically, we will be needing that room.

Why don't I just leave now then?!

'Yep, that's right. Miss Bitchcock is my Dad's girlfriend.

'I don't know what he sees in her.

'Well, I do.'

GRUNTING

'They're both proper sex maniacs!'

-# Fuck You

-Fuck you

# Fuck you very, very much

# Cos we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew

# So please don't stay in touch

-# Fuck you

-Fuck you

# Fuck you very, very much...#

'I don't know why my dad is having another kid.

'He can't even look after the ones he's already got.

'Luckily, I've got my friends.'

He doesn't care about me any more.

All his cares about is his penis and getting his penis

into Miss Bitchcock and humping Miss Bitchcock till she screams.

And his stupid foetus.

Is it OK if I stay here?

Course. Do you want one of my mum's tablets?

They're really calming.

POUNDING MUSIC INSIDE

I'm just on my way to Brandon's.

-To dump him?

-To dump him.

-Oh, my God.

-I'm really worried.

Do you want one of my mum's tablets?

They're really calming. Viva's had one.

Er, no, I'm all right. I just want to practise what I'm going to say.

Go on, then. We'll give you some tips, won't we, Viva?

Viva?

So he opens the door.... You be him, right?

So he answers the door, and I go, "Hi."

-Hi, sexy.

-We need to talk.

Don't want to talk. I've got the right horn.

Get your tits out, let me feel those bad boys.

Shut up, I really need to talk.

Come on, babe, me mum's out, let's have a quickie.

-This is so not helping.

-Can I wank on your tits?

I wouldn't let him do that, cos last time he did it,

a blob of spunk suddenly shot into my eye and it really hurt and went bloodshot

and Mum kept asking, "What's wrong with your eye?"

So I had to quickly make up something, so I pretended a robin flew into it.

I love robins.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hi.

-Hi, sexy. Come in.

-My mum's out. We've only got ten minutes.

-No.

You look incredible in that top.

I've been dreaming about your tits all day. I've got the right horn.

-No, Brandon!

-Look, feel this.

No, Brandon. Get off! I didn't come here for that.

We need to... give each other some space.

Space?

Yeah, the thing is, my nan's ill, cos a beetle crawled inside her ear and started eating her brain,

and now we have to take turns reminding her who she is.

What, you're dumping me?

Well, yeah, it's complicated.

My dog's depressed, my dad doesn't like you,

and I'm really behind on my textiles coursework.

So you are dumping me?

Um... Um, yeah. Yeah, I am.

Come on, no allow it. There's no way I'm going to let that happen!

But isn't it up to me?

No, babe. You're my girlfriend. We're good together.

You know that, babe.

I just really, really love you.

So we went upstairs and, you know, did it, and then his mum came in

and talked to us about the Bible for a bit...

and then I went home.

But you don't like him any more.

I've got a match! I can't go bus stop with you.

-I'll be ages.

-SAZ TUTS

-Whatever.

-When we're doing it, it's the only chance I get to have a good think about things.

-Like what?

-My God, everything.

I mentally sort out my hair accessories,

I plan my lipsticks for the next day,

and that fat goldfish keeps popping in my head.

-Please dump him.

-Want me to do it? I could dump him so he stayed dumped.

-Could you?

-No, she has to do it.

-Have I?

-Come on. Think of your future -

all the boys and men you'll go out with and need to dump.

You can't just get Holli. She might not be available. She might be in prison by then.

-You what?

-Kidding.

-Why would I be in prison?

-It's the only way you'd get to see your relatives.

-You what?

Just think it through. What are the pros of sticking with Brandon?

What are the cons? Weigh it all up and then decide.

Well, the pros are he's really fit

so all the other girls are jealous of me.

We both love Ice Road Truckers.

And he makes toast just right, with the butter on the edges.

-And that's it?

-Well, the cons are he's really fit, so the other girls

are jealous of me and call me "bitch" and vandalise my bike.

And Brandon's really jealous. Like, when I had to turn over my granddad so he wouldn't get bedsores,

he was like, "I'm not happy with you touching another man."

And we both really love sex, but he loves it nonstop,

so my Minniehaha never gets a moment's peace.

Yeah, I'd say the cons probably outweigh the pros.

And there is something else, but I can't tell you.

Tell us or I'll give you a Chinese burn.

It's important to share all the relevant information here, Amber,

so we can help you.

OK. Well...

It's the noise he makes when he, you know...

..comes.

What sort of noise is it, exactly? Squeaky? Squawky?

Squidgy? Mental?

Is it like water going down the plughole?

No, it's sort of like...

SHE GROANS

GROANS AND BLEATS

OTHERS LAUGH

What?

You should record it on your phone. Make it Brandon's ringtone!

Yeah. Give us your phone.

AMBER GROANS AND BLEATS

ALL BLEAT

What the hell's going on in here? Everyone else is waiting.

We need to be treating this friendly like a dress rehearsal for Westmount.

I want you to go out there and kill them. Dead!

GROANING AND BLEATING FROM PHONE

WHISTLE BLOWS

MUSIC: "Creep" by Scala and Kolacny Brothers

# I want to have control

# I want a perfect body

# I want a perfect soul

# I want you to notice

# When I'm not around

# You're so fucking special

# I wish I was special

# But I'm a creep

# I'm a weirdo. #

One-nil! To them! The worst team in the borough.

I feel like puking.

I feel like puking.

-I don't know how your dad can stand her.

-Nor me.

She probably takes it up the bum. It's well known that New Zealanders are off-the-hook dirty.

She's probably done it with the wallabies back home.

Wallabies are from Australia.

Yeah, yeah, I know. She flew there to do it with them, innit?

Would a wallaby do it with a human?

Your dad is well fit for an old bloke.

I saw him oiling up his abs one time. I got a mild tingle in my...

Please shut up!

His sperm must be on Zimmer frames, though.

"Eggs! Eggs! We're coming, eggs. Slow down!"

The eggs don't actually go anywhere. The sperm move towards the eggs.

It's not like a game of It with the sperm and the eggs chasing each other round the Fallopian tubes.

Yeah, yeah, I know. This isn't a biology lesson, is it?

Did you know that all our eggs are there from the start?

Like, we have in our bodies right now all the eggs we're ever going to have,

half the recipe for our babies. Weird.

There's little Keira and Nathan.

That's what I'm calling my babies.

Alyssia and Rohan.

Diamante and Tyreis.

Ashleigh and Poppy, and Kimberley and Dolphin.

And Angelina and Trinity, who are twins.

I know exactly what they're all going to look like. I'm going to dress them in little matching outfits.

I'm not having no boys, though.

If I have a boy, one of you lot can have him. DOOR OPENS

-Dolphin?

-Yeah.

-That was poor.

-Well, maybe if you coached us better we wouldn't be so shit.

Viva, I expect you to speak rudely to me at home, but not here.

Here I'm the head of JK Rowling House,

and I expect you to treat me with respect.

One, I don't know what a "hid" is,

and, two, I feel sorry for you, cos you don't even know my dad.

I think I know him after two years.

Yeah, but you still don't know basic stuff about him, like the fact that he hates babies.

-No, he doesn't.

-Yes, he does.

Mum said he wouldn't even come near us till we were three. He said he was allergic.

-Yeah, but I'm sure that's not...

-And that's just one of the reasons she left.

Oh, really? I thought it was just that she ran off with another bloke.

By the way, I'm resigning from the team and I won't be playing on Friday!

Viva! You coming back to mine again?

GIRLS SHOUT AND ARGUE

DOG GROWLS

Er, not tonight, Holls.

Need to go somewhere quiet and think.

My mum wants me home early cos we're dog-sitting my uncle's spaniel,

and he keeps trying to make babies with our greyhound

and it takes four of us to pull them apart.

All right. Fancy a push?

Nah.

Do you fancy giving me a quick handjob in the Wendy house?

Nah.

You know what I said the other night?

Oh, no.

Yeah.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

I'm sorry, it's not you, it's just...we're different.

I mean, I like sweet popcorn, you like salt.

I like JLS, you think JLS are all brain-damaged.

I like holding hands and cuddling,

you like humping really hard in weird and uncomfortable positions.

If it's about space, I'll give you your space, I promise.

No, you won't, cos you're really possessive and jealous.

PHONE BEEPS Normally you'd try and grab my phone and see who that message was from.

No, I wouldn't. Why, who is it from?

-I don't know.

-So why aren't you answering it?

-Cos I'm talking to you.

What you trying to hide? Is it about me? Is it a boy?

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Oh, it's Saz.

Don't read my private messages!

Why not? What does it say?

Oh, no. No, no. Please, please, don't cry.

I'm not crying! Don't be stupid!

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

Oh, God! OK! OK!

We'll give it a bit longer, but you've got to let me see my friends sometimes.

-OK.

-Without you being there as well.

-Fine.

And don't cry. And don't write on my body.

And don't call my boobs Ant and Dec ever again,

cos that makes it seem like one's small and one's tall and they're not! They're exactly the same!

All right. No problem.

Can I call them Jedward instead?

I've got to go now.

You sure you don't want to come in the Wendy house? Just for a minute?

Hey.

'Thanks to Bitchcock, I'm still homeless.

'My girls have been helping me out.'

This is nice.

SYNCHRONISED SLUPRING

Aren't you going to drink your tea?

'But friends aren't always meant to live together.'

# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do-do! #

Hi, I'm Amber! What's your name?

What's your name?

Use the dolly!

My name's Brandon.

And?

-And I think you're really nice.

-AMBER SQUEALS

'Then again, the alternative is Brandon's wanking house.'

I just can't seem to dump him.

You have to be tough.

I don't know how to be tough.

Like this.

Shut up about Brandon!

If i hear one more word about that wasteman, I will definitely kill you!

Like that. That's how to be tough.

Oh. DOORBELL RINGS

'Yeah, I know, it seems a bit harsh,

'but Amber needs things expressed loud and clear.'

This has gone on long enough.

-You're coming home.

-Just leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you.

What are you so angry about?

I'm not angry, you big fucking moron!

Don't you call me a fucking moron.

-SHE GASPS

-I can't believe you're swearing at me!

You don't want a baby in your room even if you're not there? I don't get it.

You don't get anything! You know, I wasn't actually that bothered when you first hooked up with her.

I mean, I thought you'd just do it with her a couple of times and then realise what a bitch she is.

I didn't realise you were going to shack up and start a dynasty.

Sweetheart...

..I'm sort of not very good at this.

Fighting fires, football - I'm good.

But this is out of my comfort zone.

Why couldn't you find a woman who wasn't a teacher at my school?

Anyone would have been better than her. Anyone.

Come on...

..let's go home.

What? Are you going to live at your friends' houses?

OK, I'm coming home.

PHONE VIBRATES, GROANING AND BLEATING

What the hell kind of ringtone is that?

Anna!

In here!

What you doing in my room?

This is Viva's room.

The baby can wait.

I'll come back to the team and I'll play on Friday.

RUMBLE OF FOOTSTEPS

KNUCKLES CRACK

Use your skill.

Holli, Viva, are you listening?

Those of you who don't have skill, and that's the rest of you,

particularly you, Amber, use your muscle.

I mean, really lay some lumber on them,

especially the one who looks like Wayne Rooney.

-But whatever you do, don't get caught.

-Miss, it's not fair!

Some of them is boys.

-Maybe it is Wayne Rooney.

-You'll be fine. Start warming up.

Seriously, where's her lady lumps?

We're fucked.

MUSIC: "Louder" by DJ Fresh

WHISTLE BLOWS

# It's gonna get, it's gonna get It's gonna get louder

# We're gonna get, we're gonna get We're gonna get stronger

# We're gonna feel, gonna feel We're gonna feel better

# You can't tame this energy inside

# I gotta reach, I gotta reach I gotta reach higher

# I want to burn, want to burn Burn like a fire

# We gotta move, gotta move Gotta move faster

# You can't tame this energy inside... #

Stop fucking falling over!

Good girl, Holli.

Oh, Christ, Holli, buy yourself a sports bra, would you?!

# Faster

# Louder

# Better... #

She hacked me down. That was a foul. She fouled me.

I know she fouled you. The ref's a fucktard. He's probably her dad.

-I'm shaking.

-OK. We're 3-0 down,

but we can come back. We need to pass more, mark more.

And, when the ref's not looking, stamp on the Achilles tendon.

Amber, don't turn around but Brandon's coming over.

-Baa!

-No, I don't believe this. I'm not in the mood for this now.

-Can we have a word? In private?

-I don't know if you've noticed, bruv,

but she's in the middle of a football match here.

Brandon, remember what we agreed?

-This won't take a minute.

-I'm seeing you tonight, aren't I?

I'll talk in front of your mates if that's what you want.

-Yep.

-That's what she wants.

-Definitely.

-OK.

-I'm ending it.

What?

Us, it's over. Sorry, but...

-Hang on a minute, what do you mean you're ending it? How come?

-Yeah, how come?

Some Year 7's running around telling everyone private details of us.

Like, really personal stuff about baby Brandon.

What Year 7 kid? What are you on about?

Some girl. I don't know, but you must know,

seeing as you've told her everything about me.

Like, really personal stuff

about my size and my shape and my moves.

This shit is private shit

and if a man wants to put on his girl's pants

and film himself fooling around in the comfort of his own home

then that's between a man and his girl.

Honestly, Brandon, I haven't told no-one nothing.

No.

The trust we had is gone.

I can't believe you even told them about my noise.

Seriously, I haven't told no-one nothing! Except,

obviously, I've told you three everything.

You didn't tell us he likes wearing your pants.

-I haven't said nothing.

-Nor me.

So who was it, then?

Oh, that is well strange.

-Back on the pitch, girls.

-I feel all churned up and angry!

I feel angry after what that Wayne Rooney bitch did to me.

I'm just always angry!

OK, OK, I have a plan.

We need to channel this aggression

into beating the living shit out of them!

ALL YELL

WHISTLE BLOWS

'So I'm learning new stuff all the time.

'Such as, my dad sucks at contraception,

'Amber still likes dollies

'and helping mental kids isn't easy.

'But I'm doing my best.'

MUSIC: "Doing It Wrong" by Anita Blay and Ian Masterson

# What good is life without a good struggle?

# Maybe it's in my DNA... #

I don't get how come word about Brandon went round so quick.

I mean, I didn't tell no-one.

I know this sounds stupid,

but I really miss him now.

Yeah, it must be about 30 seconds since you split up.

Don't be mean. She's really upset.

You're not going to cry, are you?

You don't even like him!

Baa!

No, stop it! No!

ALL LAUGH

# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try, really do try, really do try

# There's a million things I could change

# But maybe it's all right

# Cos this is my life, this is my life, this is my life

# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong

# People keep saying I'm doing it wrong... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd