Episode 1 Some Girls

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Can we have Chinese food tonight? Chinese food is fun.

No, we're having pizza.

I've planned pizza, so we're having pizza.

-Can't change it now.

-Well, you could, by not ordering pizza.

We can have those slimy mushrooms.

They look like dead slugs. I like them.

No, Amber, I've got all the toppings planned already. We're having pizza.

OK, but can we use chopsticks?

Wait, wait. Everyone wait. There's a penny.

I need to save up £600.

As my nana used to say, if you look after the pennies,

the pounds look after themselves.

Oh, that's nice.

So, if Holli saves a penny every day,

she'll have £600 in, like...

Roughly 164 years.

My fucking nana. No wonder she's skint.

-Why do you need to save up £600?

-That's private.

-Is it for a lawyer?

-Is it for a pit bull?

-It's for a secret.

-Is it for a boob job?

Seriously, that's your first guess?

Have you ever looked at Holli's boobs?

Well, I'm saving for a boob job. I've got a boob job jar.

-How much you saved?

-Hmm, about £7.

That could pay for the pen.

You know, the pen they use to draw on you

before they start cutting you up.

Come on, Holli, let's look for money under the vending machine.

I found 50p under there once,

but the next time, there was just a dead mouse

and the time after that, there was a really smelly dead mouse.

-Don't forget, pizza at mine tonight.

-I'll be there.

-What did you tell your parents?

-After-school chess tournament.

-And they really believe that?

-Yes, they trust me.

Especially now I've set up a fake Saz Kaur Facebook account

and leaked them the password so they can secretly check up

on all my fake activities.

Can you help me take some fake pictures

of me playing fake chess in the library?

My mum and dad are going to love this one.

Don't you feel bad?

No. I'm making them so happy. Why would I feel bad?

Oh, geez, that baby's destroying my jelly bonkers.

Suck, suck, suck.

I've got nipples like lumps of old chewing gum.

Must be nice having a baby, though.

Ah, she's wonderful, and I did the right thing passing on my genes.

But I've also sacrificed what was once an extremely beautiful vagina.

Haven't I, Viva?

DOORBELL RINGS

Thank God. She was just about to show it to you.

Everyone round here's had to have a look.

Mr Burton next door had one of his episodes.

Rocky, what are you doing here? It's girls' night, remember?

Hello, Viva. Your boyfriend's turned up unexpectedly.

It's romantic.

Yeah, it is romantic.

-But it's still girls' night.

-I need to talk to you.

Sure.

You know how I've got, like, an allergy to reading and writing

and rubbers and rulers and exercise books and pens?

I'm not sure it's a proper allergy.

It is a proper allergy, Viva. I get a rash when I smell ink.

Well, I realise what I need to do.

It's so obvious. I've got to drop out of school.

What?! But you're so close.

Rocky, just...just get through your exams

and then you'll never have to smell ink again.

-Except when he's signing on.

-I can't do it, Viva.

I'm not some sort of A-star boffiny genius.

And most of the information, I'm never going to use, innit?

I mean, like, where's your gastrocnemius? No-one cares.

Geez, Rocky, that was year eight.

If you don't know where that is by now, you're basically screwed.

So, if I did drop out, would you dump me?

Would you?

I need to know.

I'm not saying that I'd dump you,

but I really don't think you should rush into it.

Right, I get it.

I need qualifications to be going out with you.

Well, sorry I'm not Professor Rocky from the University of..

-..of somewhere there's a university that's good.

-Rocky...

I'll see you at school.

-Wait, let's talk.

-Let him go.

At the moment, our dough ball order divides perfectly between four.

If he stays, we could have a dough-ball division dispute

-on our hands.

-Why can't he see how important it is

just to stay motivated a little bit longer?

Let him drop out. He'll probably fail anyway.

-Rocky let us in.

-He looked upset,

-so we gave him three dough balls to cheer him up.

-Three?!

Everything's ruined.

Can I see the baby, please, Miss Hitchcock?

She's asleep, so, no.

But, if you like, you can watch me express the baby's midnight feed.

I can pump half a pint of full cream mummy milk in five minutes.

-Hey, does anyone want to help me?

-I'd love to, please, Miss Hitchcock.

I'll do the right if you take the left.

It's not like Brandon to disappear for this long.

-You tried all his numbers?

-And I've been round his house

the last two nights, but it was all dark, cold and empty,

like no-one was living there except spiders.

And I'm thinking the only possible explanation

is that him and his mum have gone into witness protection.

Probably not the only explanation.

If he was going into witness protection, he'd have told you.

When people go into witness protection,

they don't tell you cos you could go round and kill them.

Why don't we all check it out after school?

I'd have to be quick. I'm going to see Uncle Eddie.

He's an old mate of my dad's.

He might give me a job on his market stall

so I can save up £600.

I'll come too.

But I have to make up something for my fake Facebook account.

I'm thinking debating society sounds like fake Saz.

I'm thinking fake Saz should be team captain.

Rocky.

You surprised me last night.

That's me, always coming up with a new twist.

I was really negative.

I get it, that's cool.

You're my boyfriend, Rocky, and I'll still love you whatever.

Really?

So, you're saying you'll still love me

-even if I decide to drop out of school?

-Course.

Even if my only qualification is, like, BTEC PE?

-Course.

-Level 1?

Level 1? You still haven't passed level 2?!

What have you been doing?

Yeah, yeah, basically, I'll still love you no matter what.

Wow.

No matter what? Right.

-I've got to go.

-Where?

-And drop out of school.

-But don't you even want to think about it for a bit?

-Er, nah.

Anyone want a pen?

REPETITIVE KNOCKING

What now?

All their stuff is still there. But that's what happens

-when you go into witness protection.

-Yeah. Cos when Kenny Banks did,

people went round his house and helped theirselves.

My family got a toaster and a dog ornament.

Then it turned out they had a last-minute deal to Ibiza,

-so we had to give them back.

-There's a smell in there.

What like? Describe it.

Sort of Brandon-ness-ness.

Ah, that smell.

There's a bit of post on the floor.

Might be a clue, but I can't see what it is.

I could put my phone in there, take pictures and get a close-up.

AMBER SCREAMS

It's his school photo, Amber. He's not in there.

Well, I could put my phone a bit further in and turn it

to see if I can see in Brandon's bedroom.

See if he's taken his Xbox.

Or if he's in there, dead.

RINGTONE PLAYS

-My phone.

-Yeah, you dropped your phone.

-My phone.

-Don't worry, we'll get it back.

-How? Trained hamster?

I love that phone.

Wait, I've got an idea.

See hi-vis boy over there?

I swear his grabber thing could get Amber's phone.

-That's actually a good plan.

-I'm going over.

I'll go. I'm just a bit more user-friendly.

I'm user-friendly, you cheeky fucking bitch.

-All right?

-He says he'll help us.

-Hello.

-Well, I'll give it a go.

You get good at estimating achievable grabbing distance in this job.

And I'd say that is too far in.

Oh, please try. My phone is my life.

My boyfriend's gone into witness protection and I really need toilet.

She's under a lot of stress.

No. I can't reach it.

Could you let one of us try? We can get our arms in further than you.

-Let me try.

-The phone's too far in.

-Want a bet?

-I'd just be taking your money.

It's a good...2cm beyond its AGD.

Eh?

Achievable grabbing distance.

I think I can get it.

Yes!

SHE BANGS DOOR

Oh.

I've got my fucking arm stuck.

I need the loo.

Never mind your bladder, what about my arm and my interview and my £600?

-I warned you it was beyond its AGD.

-Eh?

-Holli, what are you doing?

Trying to head-butt this twat.

Stop wriggling. You're making it worse.

Uh, it's wedged so tight.

Oh, stop pulling me!

-I'm trying to help.

-I need my phone.

If blood supply to your hand gets cut off, gangrene will set in

and your arm will be amputated.

SHE GROANS AND BANGS Ha, you look stupid.

-SHE GROANS

-I know where you live,

you little shitbag. Chase him, Amber.

Viva, someone bring him here so I can hit him.

Just looking at when septicaemia will set in.

Shut up, you're not helping.

I need to get to that interview! I need that job!

-SHE GROANS

-Why do you need £600, anyway?

-Mind your business. I just need it.

-I'm going to cry.

-Shut up, Amber, it's not about you any more.

-Shut up, it is about me.

I'm the one who's phone's lost and who needs toilet!

Both of you, shut up. You're behaving like animals!

We're all tired and we're all upset

and, basically, chips would help this situation.

Chips would be nice.

Saz, go to the cafe and get everyone some chips

and once we've had chips,

we'll be able to think straight and sort this out.

I'm going to be so late to meet Eddie.

-Is that your boyfriend?

-Pff, no.

-She doesn't have a boyfriend.

No-one wants to be her boyfriend. She's completely available.

Yeah, you're too far away there.

Outside my achievable slapping distance.

Oh, fuck.

Debate update.

Just giving my opponents a lethal injection of my arguments

in favour of the death penalty.

Fake Saz is quite witty.

Hey, Rocky.

SHE SCREAMS

Hey, Saz.

-DISTANT VIBRATING

-My phone!

-SHE WEEPS

-It's crying for me.

I miss its little noises.

-My thumbs miss texting.

-Chips.

I've got big news. Massive news. Really very big massive news.

Ooh, exciting. What is it?

It's not the right time to tell you right now, but, ah, it's amazing.

A bit more ketchup on the next one, please.

Do you know what, Viva? We should call your dad.

Firefighters know what to do with stuff like this.

Nah, he hates when people get themselves stuck

in places they shouldn't.

It's the one thing that makes him angry.

Says he spends half his life cutting tossers out of cat flaps.

You sure that's a good idea, Amber?

No, I'm not.

It's made me need to wee even more.

You know, it would help if we could lubricate your arm.

-You're not lubricating my arm, pervert.

-That would actually help.

Let's see if we've got anything greasy in our bags that would work.

-Like hand cream.

-Can you put hand cream on arms?

Is that even allowed?

Hey, half a sandwich.

I have nothing oily, sorry.

Patrick, I wondered where you were.

-SHE MUTTERS:

-Some geography homework.

That's weird. I dropped geography in year 11.

My keys, chewing gum, sock, Brandon's spare keys, my lucky pen,

my unlucky pen, my pen that's not lucky or unlucky.

It's just a pen.

-Amber...

-My lucky shin pads, my unlucky shin pads.

Amber!

Brandon's spare keys.

You've got Brandon's spare keys?

Yeah, so...

This means...

O-M-G.

SHE LAUGHS

They were here the whole time. None of this needed to happen.

SHE LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY

-Hurry up, Saz.

-It's tricky. There's loads of keys.

SHE PANTS

I'm having an accident! I can't stop!

What the fuck?

It's called giggle incontinence. It's a form of urge incontinence.

Uh?

Don't worry, Amber. I've got my tracksuit in my bag.

You can get changed in Brandon's.

Hello, baby. Mummy missed you. Mwah.

Ah, the battery's dead. Stupid phone.

I think I'll stick the kettle on.

Hillary Schmeichel in Texas got her arm stuck in a letter box.

They freed her with extra virgin olive oil.

Is vegetable oil OK?

-Who wants a snack?

-Me. Me. What have they got?

Is any fucker going to help me?

Ha-ha, I'm putting this on YouTube.

SHE GROANS

-Uncle Eddie.

-Hello, young lady.

-Thought you weren't coming.

-Sorry, Eddie, I got delayed.

-You ever had a job on a market stall?

-No.

-Any selling at all?

-No.

-Any job dealing with customers?

-No.

-Any job at all?

-No.

-Have you got a driving licence?

-No.

-Are you good at getting up early on Saturdays?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-No.

-Holli, tell me,

why should I employ you for this job and not someone else?

Cos you know my Dad...and I'm really good at lifting.

Right, lifting, that's good. That's better.

Help me finish getting this clobber in the van. Put your jacket on there.

-Er, now?

-I want to see what sort of worker you are.

What the...?

Is that one of them avant-garde

fashion statement arm jewellery affairs?

-No, it's a letter box.

-How did you do that, then?

It wasn't my fault. I wasn't thieving nothing.

You remind me of your dad. How is he?

-He's banged up.

-Yeah, I heard about that.

Do you want me to help you get that off?

Does it involve oil? Cos oil doesn't work.

Nor does butter and nor does Lynx Dark Temptation shower gel.

My arm's bare soft, though.

How about these bastards?

So, I was just sitting there updating fake Saz's Facebook

and then in comes Rocky looking all...I don't know.

Cute? Hot? Hench? Dench? Peng? Buff? Piff?

Kind of excited and happy. I think he was skipping.

I like skipping.

Yeah, cos he's free. He's dropped out.

So, he goes up to Chef and they're talking

and then Chef's, like, slapping him on his back

like he's congratulating him.

Do you think he's got a job at the cafe?

No, cos then Rocky gets something out of his pocket

and he's showing it to Chef.

-Viva, it was a diamond ring.

-VIVA GASPS

-He wants to marry you.

-AMBER SCREAMS

I can't marry him. We're 18.

My mum and dad got married at 18. They got divorced eight years later.

-What are you still doing here?

-Oh, he's making us all snacks.

Then two years later, they got married again.

Saz, is this a wind up? Is he really going to propose? When?

All I know is he's got a ring.

-I can't believe it.

-You would say no, though, right?

I just wish I knew when all this was going to happen.

I need to be ready.

Then last year they got divorced again.

It is good you overheard, though, Saz

because now I can work out the perfect way to say no.

But I'm pretty sure they shagged each other on Christmas Day

when they were both a bit pissed and I was watching James Bond.

CRASHING AND BOY SCREAMS

That kid on the bike went by again and I hit him with this

and I got the job.

Yay! Come in. Hi-vis is making us cheese toasties.

Oh, and Holli, what do you need the £600 for?

Just tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone.

It's private, Amber.

-Are you getting a hot tub fitted?

-No.

They've left their plants, they've left their food.

Who does that unless they've gone into witness protection?

Or got a last-minute deal to Ibiza.

He wouldn't go to Ibiza with his mum.

Right, so, we search the flat, see if he's left his passport around,

see if we can hack into his computer and look at his search history.

This is a really nice toastie.

Yeah, I spread the butter on the outside,

but the key is to make sure I get the pan really hot before I put it in.

Ooh, vodka and coke.

The dream team.

Sorry, Rocky, I do love you, but we're too young and...

You're too thick.

I had my first orgasm in this bed.

That's when I realised Brandon was like some high-level wizard

of oral sex.

What does he do?

I don't know, but it was so magical and beautiful.

Sort of made me feel better about there being no unicorns or mermaids.

Oh, so, you do finally accept that now?

Yeah, and I realised orgasms are what grown-ups have

instead of unicorns and magic and mermaids.

O-M-G, I'm so wise.

When did you have your first orgasm, Saz?

-I don't want to say.

-Oh, go on. I told you mine.

Yeah, Amber told you hers.

Well, I was about 14

and I decided I needed to switch from sanitary towels to tampons.

Was this after that trampolining incident

where the towel flew out and hit someone?

THEY LAUGH

Yes, no need to bring that up.

It was roughly when I got home that day that I decided

I needed to switch to tampons.

I prefer tampons.

I didn't really know how to put a tampon in,

so I just started gently stabbing it in the general area.

Think I must have accidentally located my clitoris.

It was really nice, so I just gently stabbed myself there

for about ten more minutes and then I came.

Oh, my God.

AMBER LAUGHS

After that, I changed my tampons quite a lot.

-Your turn, Viva.

-Yes, your turn, Viva.

Go on, you've got to or it's not fair.

I'm not sure if I've even ever had an orgasm.

-You haven't, then.

-Why?

-You would know.

-Maybe I've had really small ones.

-No.

So, what does it actually feel like?

Well, to start with, imagine the inside of your you-know-what

is like a mini wall of death.

Imagine lots of tiny fairies

are riding their motorbikes round and round

going faster and faster and faster

until, suddenly, everything stops for a moment.

And then an enormous rainbow pours out

and the fairies twinkle off into the sky.

It's like that, but nicer.

Wow.

That's so...

I can see why you want him to come back.

But what happens to the motorbikes?

I have definitely not had that feeling.

Cos they'd crash when the fairies got off.

-What about Rocky?

-Oh, he has orgasms.

No, we mean does he know he's failing you as a lover?

I fake it. AMBER GASPS LOUDLY

You've been faking orgasms with Rocky for a year?

And you was trying to make me feel guilty

about faking a couple of posts on Facebook?

Are you going to mention the orgasm situation

when you tell him you don't want to marry him?

No! Course not!

Maybe Brandon could give Rocky some of his oral sex wizard tips.

I don't think that would go down too well.

Bit like Rocky - doesn't go down too well.

Just then, I got such a big whiff of Brandon's smell from this pillow.

I just hope he's safe.

That smell does make me feel better about everything.

Maybe they are just on holiday.

How come you're all in here with the vodka?

Me and Hi-vis are getting thirsty in there.

-We're just looking for clues.

-Anything?

VIVA & SAZ: NO.

We should check out the rest of the flat.

Their toothbrushes are still here. That's weird.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Mrs Taylor.

-You?

-Yeah, it's, uh, me.

So sorry, can you tell me where Brandon is?

You're in my house. Why are you in my house?

Well, I was worried about Brandon. He's not been in touch for days

and I've been round here and there's never anyone in

and I thought something had happened to you and Brandon.

Um, could you please just tell me where he is?

I'm always in, you dopey fool. I work nights, Amber.

I take two sleeping pills and I sleep all day.

-You're a nurse, aren't you?

-How do you know that?

Who is this?

Connor. My name's Connor.

I used to be a medical student. I've seen you at the hospital.

You used to be a medical student and now you're a road cleaner?

What's happened there? Did you kill somebody by mistake?

Excuse me, this isn't Piers Morgan's Life Stories.

It's my bedroom, so would you please all...?

Hang on. You been drinking my vodka?

So, if you could just please tell us where Brandon is.

What else you been into?

My cheese, my oil, my butter.

SHE GASPS

My I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

My bread, my vodka, my coke?

I've made a list, Mrs Taylor. We'll pay you back, of course.

And my door. You basically killed my door.

My door is just a piece of wood with a hole in it.

Sorry.

What even is this? I don't even recognise what it is.

It's your letter box, Mrs Taylor.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Is there any chance you could give us a clue on where Brandon is?

Come on, Amber, let's go.

You know, you really shouldn't be taking

two sleeping pills a day, Mrs Taylor.

That would go against all medical advice.

She didn't allow for the spin.

-Back to mine?

-Bye, then, Connor.

-Thanks for helping us.

-Can I see you again?

Not all of you. Just Holli.

Yeah. All right.

GIRLS OOH AND WHISTLE

What an incredibly weird evening.

And we still don't know what happened to Brandon.

-We should just tell her.

-Tell me what?

Babe, we did find something in Brandon's bedroom.

"Hello, my name is Shantelle."

What's this? Who is Shantelle?

-We found it under Brandon's pillow.

-In Brandon's bed?

I bet it's Shantelle Campbell, works in that chicken place.

Well, it makes sense.

Lately, he's been smelling of chicken all the time.

-What a bastard.

-I bet he gets free chicken.

That's it, then. It's over.

He's done this to me for the last time.

I'm going home to throw away everything he's ever touched.

I'm not going to cry, I'm too angry. I feel nothing.

My heart has turned to stone.

SHE SOBS

Don't forget to keep an eye out for pennies.

-Holli?

-What?

It'll take her mind of the fact that Brandon's a two-timing shitbag.

So many likes on fake Saz's chess victory

and fake Saz's debating win from fake Saz's fake friends

who have no idea who she is.

Are you OK, Saz?

Fake Saz is kind of epic. Sometimes, I wish fake Saz was real Saz.

-I think fake Saz is an annoying twat.

-Mmhm.

120. 121. 122.

123. 125.

132. 133 pennies!

-AMBER GASPS

-Or one £1.33.

-Oh.

-This is it.

-He's going to propose.

-I'm going to film it.

But she's going to say no. They'll both probably cry.

She won't want to be reminded of that.

I'm going to film it, anyway.

Why does he keep looking out the window?

-Who's that?

-Some of the year eight football team I used to coach.

Hey, why don't we get doughnuts? You love doughnuts.

I'll get you a doughnut.

What?

Here you go.

Viva, I asked you here today for a very special reason

and there was supposed to be special music -

the theme tune from The Lion King -

but the chef dropped the CD in the deep-fat fryer.

Are you going to eat that?

There is a very special reason why I want you to eat that doughnut.

A reason that's going to become clear any minute now.

I'm not really that hungry.

Viva, when we first met, I was a bit of a mess.

Trying to be bad, but not very good at being bad.

You turned my life around.

Rocky, look.

No! That wasn't supposed to happen.

Rocky, are you trying to propose to me?

Because, if you are, that's really lovely of you,

but we're both so young still and...

Wait, wait, don't say anything. Eat the doughnut first.

-I feel a bit sick.

-OK, no problem.

Where's the ring?

-There's no ring.

-There was a ring in the doughnut?

It's not there.

Wow, this is the shittest proposal ever.

Marriage is a big step, Rocky.

I'm only 18. I'm just not really ready.

That was my gran's ring.

She'll kill me if I've lost the ring.

There's no ring in the doughnut. You gave me the wrong doughnut.

-It was in your doughnut.

-You've got the ring.

OK. OK, that's good.

Don't marry me, Viva. I'm such a wanker.

Oh, Rocky, it was beautiful.

Everything you did.

It all went wrong. Every single thing.

I'm just a big, dumb idiot. Whatever you do, don't say yes.

You're the kindest person I've ever met.

And I love you.

SOMETHING POPS

That was the balloon with 'I love you' printed on it

that I was going to give you after you said yes,

but you aren't going to say yes, are you?

I am going to say yes.

Yes? She said yes?

What the fuck?

THEY CHEER

# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong

# But I say it feels all right

# I really do try, really do try, really do try

# There's a million things that I can't change

# But maybe it's all right

# This is my life, this is my life, this is my life

# People keep saying that I'm doing it wrong. #