The Baby Arrives Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em

*

We're here! We're here!

She's having it! She's having it!

Right away! Emergency!

-She's in the front.

-Come on, love. You'll be all right, love.

Oh... That was very close.

Look at the state of that.

-Oh! Are you all right, Frank?

-I'm feeling a bit dicky myself.

-Ah, Mr Spencer, how are you feeling now?

-I'm much better, thank you.

Good. Now, would you move your car? It's in a private parking space.

Yes. Yes, of course. ..Are you doing anything?

-What do you want?

-I wondered if you'd sit beside me in the car.

Do me a favour.

-I beg your pardon?

-It won't take long.

I can't do it on my own, see.

Men!

You never stop thinking about it!

And to think I used to regret staying single! Sometimes you realise just how lucky you are.

-Why? What's up?

-That man out there. His wife is a sweet young thing expecting her first baby.

-And he wanted me to...to go outside with him!

-He didn't?!

-Yes!

He's still examining her.

I suppose if she has it, she'll be in here a few days, won't she?

I won't know what to do with myself.

-Are you doing anything for a few minutes?

-I'm married!

-So am I!

-Do you want me to call the matron?

I don't care. Anyone will do!

Get out! Get out and go and move your car!

I can't! I haven't passed my test. That's why I want someone with me.

Shouting at me... I'm on the National Health!

-Oh, Doctor! When's the baby coming?

-In about eight days! It's cramp!

-Is that all?

-Yes! I'm annoyed.

-It's not her fault!

With YOU, man! I will not have the hospital continually disrupted!

This is the fifth time this week!

Two of those were trial runs. I wanted to see how long it would take me.

Can't you tell cramp from labour pains?

Well, I got confused.

The cat's expecting as well.

I know it doesn't mean a lot to you, but I don't know what to do.

That's quite clear. Take your wife home and we'll get back to order!

-Here! Dr Boil!

-Boyde!

Dr Boyde. Could I have a word with Dr Stratton while I'm here?

No, he's gone fishing. He'll be here next week. Don't worry.

-I should have news about Cleopatra by then.

-I thought it was Betty.

That's my cat.

Oh, God! Please, don't let me be here when he comes again!

Please, don't let me be here!

I always park here! Can't that damn fool read?

-His wife was just about to have a baby.

-He's been here five times! How many babies is she having?

-Take it easy, take it easy.

-Yes.

-Excuse me. Would that be your vehicle?

-Yes.

Would you mind moving it, please? I can't get mine out. ..Thank you.

That was all your fault! You shouldn't have been so...

Oh. Beg your pardon, Lord Vincent.

Nasty.

-Oh...

-Betty, we'd better sit near the door, just in case.

-In case of what?

-In case we have to leave in a hurry.

It's not due for another week.

-You can't be sure about these things.

-If the doctor says it's due next Friday, it's due next Friday.

I know you're a bit nervy. I'll make you a cup of tea.

I just wish people would stop fussing over me.

I can't help it. I'm very worried about my hereditary tendencies.

These things run in the family.

-What things?

-The Spencers haven't been on time for five generations.

I'm from a long line of early babies.

My grandfather was early, mother... I was very immature myself.

-Didn't you get to the hospital?

-Not until the evening.

My mother had me in the afternoon.

She was at the pictures watching a John Wayne film.

-What happened?

-I don't remember.

I think he got killed in the end.

What happened when you were born?

-The manager came round with a hosepipe.

-A hosepipe?!

He thought the place was on fire.

The whole thing was badly handled. The projectionist sounded the alarm.

Luckily, the ice cream lady knew a bit of first aid.

-It must have been awful, Frank.

-Yes, it was.

-But now the doctors know more about it.

-Yes.

But it leaves you worrying, Betty.

I'll go and wet the tea for you.

-You must stop worrying, Frank.

-You call out if you need me.

Frank!

-TEAPOT SMASHES

-What do you want?!

No sugar for me.

-No sugar?

-No.

-Betty?

-Hm?

Have we got another teapot?

Oh, honestly, Frank! It's one thing after another!

-You shouted at me. Sit down.

-What are we going to do?!

I don't know. ..Yes, I do.

We'll just have to have coffee.

Oh, Frank, I'm sorry. I get so depressed.

It's worrying about the baby.

You mustn't. It's the best hospital the National Health could buy.

I want nothing but the best for you, Betty.

You've been very good to me, Frank.

You've been very good to me, too.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, that'll be Dr Smedley.

-He said he might pop in.

-Good. He can have a look at my rash.

Frank! He's calling as a friend. I must make myself presentable.

Yes, go on.

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

-I thought I'd look in to see how things were.

-She's not too good.

-She keeps crying.

-I told you to expect that. She's emotional.

-I haven't been too well myself.

-Your old trouble?

-Yes. I think all the worrying brought it on.

-In your case, anything brings it on.

-Hello, Doctor. Nice of you to call.

-I just wanted to see how you were.

-Oh, fine.

-All the arrangements are made.

There is one thing. Frank wants to be there when I have our baby.

Do you think that's wise?

-We can't be separated. It's our big day. We've been looking forward to it, haven't we?

-Mm.

-I would like him to be there.

-Oh, very well.

-Could you stay for some tea?

-Coffee.

-Well, just a quick cup.

-Oh, I'd like to show you something.

-Frank, no! I told you not to.

Not that, it's something else.

Oh!

That's my bell! It's my early warning system.

If she gets her contractions, I can hear her. Even from the garden.

-Yes, I can quite believe it(!) Is that it?

-No, something else.

-This is just in case they get the babies mixed up at the hospital.

-They won't. Be certain...

When I was born, my father took me back twice before he knew who I was.

They can tie these to the baby's legs.

"This belongs to FW Spencer. Medium size, do not boil."

My mother made them years ago for my gym vests.

-Here we are.

-After your coffee, could you run me to church?

-Oh, very well.

-I haven't been to confession today. Father O'Hara might worry about me.

-Dr Smedley, I wondered what your first name was.

-Does it matter?

It's the baby, you see. She wanted to call him after me, but one Frank was enough.

-More than enough.

-And I don't want to call him after relations because it could cause jealousy.

So I thought we might name him after a friend.

But we don't have too many friends.

Well, the milkman comes in sometimes for a little chat,

but I don't really want to call him after him. People might talk.

Well? You're a sort of friend of the family, aren't you?

Oh, I see. My name.

-Well, my father was a seafaring man. Ship's surgeon, you know.

-Nice.

I was called after a famous British admiral. There it is on my case. HSS.

Not Hornblower?

No! Horatio.

Horatio...

Spencer.

Hmm!

What's your middle name?

Sidney.

Well...

Yes...

We'll let you know, then.

Oh, here's the church.

The Immaculate Conception.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

-It is 48 hours since my last confession.

-24.

Are you sure?

Quite sure.

-I don't usually come on Wednesday, cos it's closed.

-The House of God is never closed.

-The fish shop is.

-I usually pop in here after I've done my shopping, but...

-Yesterday was Thursday.

Oh, yes. By the way, who does your cleaning?

-I beg your pardon.

-Sweeping up the church. Is it Miss O'Connor?

-Well, yes, my housekeeper does... Does this have any bearing on your presence here?

-Not really.

-I just wondered if she'd come across any haddock.

-Haddock?!

Only, on Tuesday when I was in here, my bag broke. When I got home, I was a couple short.

Mr Spencer, will you kindly remember to leave your shopping outside the confessional?

It gets rather hot in here.

-People have noticed a rather strange smell.

-Oh, she did find it, then?

Please remember where you are.

-I'm sorry, Father.

-Now, have you something to tell me?

-Well, you know all the sins I told you about yesterday?

-Yes, my son.

Well, I done them again today.

Plus, three new ones.

Two about you-know-who and one impure thought about Miss O'Connor.

What?!

About my housekeeper?

I couldn't help it, Father.

-I'm very disappointed in you.

-I have tried.

-He who thinks evil is as bad as he who does it.

Mm. Not quite as bad, though, eh?

Quite as bad.

-Worse.

-Well, I know envy is a sin...

-Is it Mr Smith again?

Mm. I can't help it. It's just that I can't get any money

-and I can't stop these wicked thoughts. I've tried the football pools.

-Greed, my son.

Yes, I know, but it's not just for me, it's for Betty. She's never had a fur coat.

It makes me feel a failure. Mrs Smith, she's got everything.

I think that's all.

-For these and my other sins, which I cannot now remember, I am truly sorry.

-Isn't there something else?

-I don't think so.

-Something you've forgotten to tell me.

-About what?

About my housekeeper, Mr Spencer.

You had an impure thought.

I'd rather not talk about that.

-You must.

-Well...

I thought she'd pinched my haddock.

Mr Spencer!

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.

-Te absolvo.

-Thank you.

-Say three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers.

-Oh! That's a bit harsh!

-Father?

-Yes, Mr Spencer?

-I did want a word about my baby, about the christening.

-Oh, yes.

Do you know when?

-As soon as possible. Time is of the essence.

-You've decided on a name?

-No, that's another problem.

I don't really wanna call him Frank or Horatio.

Why not choose a saint's name? Peter, Paul, Matthew, Mark?

-Catherine, Cecilia...

-You can't call your son Catherine Cecilia.

-When I said a boy, that was wishful thinking.

-You don't have a son?

-No.

-You have a daughter?

-I'm not sure.

-You must know if it's a boy or a girl!

-We have to wait.

-What for?

Until the baby's born.

Your baby isn't born yet?! Why waste my time?

-It's enough to try the patience of a saint.

-I can see you're tired.

I'll leave you on your own with your own private thoughts.

-I may not be in tomorrow if the baby's born.

-Good, good.

But if nothing happens, I'll see you, same time, same place.

-Heaven forbid!

-Say one for me!

Frank, it won't get any smaller, just because you keep looking at it.

It's gone all the way round the back now.

My mother said that if both ends join up, you drop down dead.

That's an old wives' tale. A rash won't kill you. It's the worry that brought it on.

-You had one before our wedding.

-Yes, I did. I'd a lot of worry then.

Don't start any serial stories.

Not with the baby.

Anyway, everything's under control.

You've been wonderful, Frank.

I don't know how I could have managed it without you.

Well, you couldn't, could you?

No, I mean the way you've looked after me and kept the place tidy.

I've just done my best, that's all.

My mother always said,

"If you do your..."

What is it, Frank?

I was just thinking about my mother.

If she was here, she'd be a grandmother, wouldn't she?

That would have been nice.

If it's a girl, we'll name it after her.

I never really thought about it being a girl.

Dr Smedley's an Horatio Sidney.

-I don't really care for that!

-No.

I think his father had a thing about sailors.

-Oh...

-You feeling tired now? You'd better get your head down.

Come on. That's it. And don't worry.

You've another eight days yet.

If anything does happen, I've got my routine written out. All done.

There is nothing to worry about. I'm in charge. Right.

-Good night, Frank.

-Night now.

Dr Boyde, you made it a long day.

Yes. And do you know why?

They want me to bring my holiday forward a week, starting tomorrow.

Don't you mind?

Mind? You must be joking!

The next time Mr Spencer comes in with one of his false alarms,

I won't be here!

I won't be here! Oh, happy day!

Oh, happy, happy day!

Oh... Frank?

Wake up.

Frank! Please, wake up.

-Another half an hour, Betty...

-Oh, no!

-Betty! What..? It's gonna happen...? It's not?

-It is!

-Not now?

-It is.

-Oh, my God!

-Have you got them?

-I don't know...

-Get out of bed!

No, don't get out of bed. Stay.

First, I'll get my routine.

Number one - get out of bed!

Not you, not you!

I'm out of bed. Two - get dressed. Dressed, Frank! Where's my things?

I don't know where my things are! Where's my trousers?

-You pressed them.

-I couldn't. The iron blew up!

-Under the mattress.

Under the mattress? ..They're not.

Where did you...? I've got 'em!

-What do I do? I don't know what to do!

-What did you do yesterday? We've done it time and time again!

I've never done it at night!

-Here's my jacket.

-Ohhh...!

-Oh! Was that one of them?

-Mmm!

My routine... One, two, three - count the contractions.

-How many have you had?

-I don't know. Every few minutes.

-Not good enough.

I've got to have ultra-preciseness! Time them for me! Time them!

-One, two, three, four...

-Come on, count!

-I am.

-What time is it?

-Half past two.

-Half past two?! The hospital will be closed!

-Oh, Frank! They don't close!

Get out of bed! No, wait. I'll telephone. Stay there. Don't move.

-Betty, what's the hospital?

-The number's on the pad!

-Where's the pad?

-In the kitchen!

-I know where that is!

-Hurry, Frank! Oooooh!

-Oh!

Telephone!

Get off of me!

DOG BARKS

Get off there! Don't you do that!

Get off! Tell me! Where's the pad?

I've got it!

Ooh!

Yes, all right. I'll tell him.

-Oh, Dr Boyde?

-Hm?

I've an odd message. Does the name Spencer mean anything to you?

It's all right, Betty. Everything's under control. Give me the case.

Take deep breaths, keep your legs together.

The door! Where's the key?

The key? Where is the key? I put it in the potting shed!

-Why?

-I didn't want burglars!

-Well, how did YOU get in?

-I got in... The kitchen! The back door!

Keep your tummy out, knees together.

-Deep breaths.

-Where's the back door key?

-It's...

-Where did you put it?

-I put it somewhere for safety.

-Where?

-I hid it.

-Where have you put it?

-In the tea caddy.

-Where's that?

I threw it out the window.

Why?!

There was a dog doing a whoopsie on the dahlias.

We'll have to have our baby here!

No, you won't! Think! Think! What am I going to do?

-The window!

-No! ..The window!

Come on. I'll give you a leg up.

-Not me! You go out!

-Me, yes.

It's a good job I was here or you'd never have got to hospital at all!

What IS the matter? You've delivered a baby before.

Not his! Something's going to go wrong. I have this feeling of doom!

- He should be here by now. - 2.45! It's another false alarm.

Or another trial run - by moonlight!

Well, it's not happening again. I'll transfer him to another hospital.

You can't - he's not a patient.

-Well, he WILL be!

-She's had five in the car!

-Five?!

Contractions! Come on, quick!

Call Dr Stratton! Hurry, girl! Quick!

-He's still on leave.

-What?!

-I was supposed to have him here! He's booked!

-Call somebody else!

No, don't panic. I'm here with you.

-You are not!

-I am! He said I could be here.

-Stratton's not here. I am!

-It's in my contract! No me, no baby.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Gentlemen, look!

-Betty!

-I told you to wait!

-..Have you got one?

-Yes, Sir John Gifford.

-Sir John! Right, get me an anaesthetist.

-Call Sister Jones or scrub up yourself!

-I'd better scrub up, too.

What?!

-Get your clothes on, man!

-I've got to be there for the operation.

I've got smuts all over me from outside.

-You are NOT going in there!

-I want Frank!

-I'm here, Betty.

I want Frank to be with me.

-There.

-Very well, Mrs Spencer. If you want. Take her upstairs.

-This is the real thing, isn't it?

-Yes.

Come on.

Mr Spencer, come back...!

No, I don't want to miss anything.

-Are you the one that's doing it?

-Don't touch me, you fool! Take that mask off!

You!

-Sir John, this is the patient's husband.

-My car!

I'm sorry about that.

-You can borrow mine while I'm in here for a couple of days.

-Get out!

-I'll see you later.

-What's he talking about?

-Attending the delivery. I couldn't put him off.

Keep him out of MY way. You're responsible for him. My God, my beautiful car!

All right, Mrs Spencer. You're doing fine.

-He's very good.

-Just a few more minutes.

-He knows what he's doing.

-Shut up!

-What?

-Not you, sir.

-Keep your mind on the job.

-Yes, keep the talking down.

-Oh...

-What's he doing now?

-If you stood a bit nearer, you'd be able to see!

-Would you like your husband to hold you?

-Mm.

-Go on, go on.

Not her leg, you fool!

Bear down, Mrs Spencer. Bear down.

Well, give her some encouragement!

-You told me not to talk!

-Say something now!

-Shall I hold your hand, Betty?

-Mm.

-That's it.

-Get closer. She won't bite you.

-Right.

-Would you like to talk?

-Of course not!

-One more effort, Mrs Spencer.

That's right. Push down. Push down.

Push down, Betty! Push down!

One last effort!

That's it! That's it! It's coming! It's coming, Betty!

-Go on!

-I can see it's coming! Let go of my arm!

-Keep pushing!

That's it! Keep pushing, Betty! Don't give up now, Betty!

Look! Look! It's got the Spencer nose!

-Look at my nose!

-Will you get out of my way?!

-But look at that nose! And it's got hair, beautiful hair.

-Stand back.

Oh, look at that!

It's a big one, isn't it?

Look, Betty! Look what a big one it is!

Oh, Betty!

It's a boy! I've got a boy!

It's a GIRL, Mr Spencer!

Well, what's that, then?

That is the umbilical cord!

Ooh, I say! It was going on and on.

Well, Mrs Spencer...

We've done it, Betty!

Mrs Spencer, you have a daughter.

I've got a daughter.

I'm a success.

Subtitles by Greig Forbes, Subtext, for BBC Subtitling - 1999