Some Scousers with Jokes Part 2 Some People with Jokes

This programme contains some strong language.

Old Mrs Brown's husband died,

and she went to see him in the chapel of rest.

And she walked in, the undertaker said, "Hello, girl.

"Come in and see him."

So she went into this room

and he opened the top of the casket

and she looked in, and she went hysterical.

She said, "He's been "a Liverpudlian all his life.

"He can't go down with that... blue suit on.

"If he was alive now, he'd kill himself."

He said, "Don't worry, don't worry, darling.

"He's going on Friday. You come and see him on Thursday night,

"we'll have everything sorted."

Thursday night came.

And she walked into the chapel of rest and he said,

"Come on, love, you're going to love this."

And she walked in, he opened the casket,

and he had this lovely tinge of red suit on.

And she started to cry with happiness.

And he said, "All right, love?"

She said, "Oh, that's marvellous, that."

She said, "Marvellous.

"Where did you get that red suit from?"

He said, "You see that casket over there, girl?"

She said, "Yeah. Have you swapped the suits?"

He said, "No. We just swapped the heads."

Young fella goes to the chemist

and he asks the assistant for some deodorant.

The assistant says, "Would you like the ball type?"

He says, "No, just the underarm will do."

There was a fella stopped for speeding.

And this cop is approaching the car.

And the driver's got a dog on the front seat.

And the driver is hitting the dog on the nose.

And the cop went, "Listen, you,

"I'm not only having you for speeding,

"I'm having you for cruelty to an animal as well."

And the driver says, "Come on, hey, come on, give us a break, will you?"

He said, "If that dog had just done to you what it did to me,

"you'd be hitting it on the nose."

And the copper says, "Well, go on, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, what's it done?"

He said, "I'll you what he's done. He's just eaten me tax disc."

Two medical students going back to their digs,

one o'clock in the morning.

They see an elderly gentleman coming towards them.

"Spondylitis.

"No, he's not, he's got chronic rheumatic arthritis.

"Nah, definitely spondylitis.

"Bet you a fiver, chronic rheumatic arthritis."

Old fella's coming towards them.

"Excuse me, sir, we're students at the local medical college,

"I believe you've got spondylitis,

"my friend here think's you've got chronic rheumatic arthritis.

"A-ha", said the old gentleman.

"I was at that same college many, many years ago.

"You think it's spondylitis.

"Let me tell you,

"you're wrong.

"You, you think it's chronic rheumatic arthritis.

"Let me tell you that you're also wrong.

"I thought this was a fart.

"I was wrong."

Right, a little boy playing with his train set in the living room -

choo, choo, choo, choo, choo

while Mum's in the kitchen doing pots.

Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo.

The train stops and the little boys says,

"This is Liverpool Lime Street, please disembark here

"and please move your arse - we haven't got all day."

And the mother goes,

"Excuse me, this swearing, you get up to your room for two hours.

"Don't dare come down until them two hours have passed."

When the two hours have gone the little boy comes down and says,

"Can I play with me train set?"

She said, "Yes. But remember what I said - no swearing."

Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo.

"This is Liverpool Lime Street going to London,

"please note all the carriages are non-smoking

"and we do hope that you enjoyed your journey."

So, the mother goes...

And then the little boy continues.

"And if you want to know why this train is two hours late,

"see the bitch in the kitch..."

I was on holiday in North America many years ago

and I went to this Native American reservation.

The chief of this particular tribe is reputed to have

the finest memory in the world.

There was nothing he didn't know,

and that that he did know he never forgot.

And I was lucky enough to be able to go and see him

and I walked into his wigwam and there he was

sitting cross-legged on a blanket on the floor.

He said, "How." And I said, "How."

He said, "You have question?" I said, "Yes.

"Who won the 1965 Cup final at Wembley Stadium?"

Without hesitation he said, "Liverpool."

I thought, "That's fantastic. What a memory. Brilliant."

Three years later, I'm back in the same area on business

and I go to see him.

And I walk into the tent and I go, "How." He said,

"Ian St John, diving header."

These three fellas get lost in the jungle.

And they just lost their way and everything.

Next thing, these female savages come along and they go,

"Right, we've captured you.

"And what we're going to do is we're going to...

.."cut off your penis to what description your jobs are."

So, the first fella comes up, they go, "What was your job?"

He said, "I was a lumberjack."

"Well, you're getting your penis chopped off."

The second fella comes up and they go, "Eh, what was your job?"

He says, "I was a butcher."

Said, "You're getting yours sliced off."

And the third fella is just in a heap laughing.

And the girl goes, "What's the matter with you?

"Why are you laughing?"

He says, "I worked for Dyson."

A little village in Wales,

and the mother says to the young son, she says,

"You're 29 years of age,

"now, it's about time you was thinking of getting married

"and leaving this house with someone."

He said, "Well, Mam, I never know what to say with girls,

you know, I'm always shy, tongue-tied."

She said, "There's young Blodwen next door, lovely girl.

"Say the next thing that comes into your head when you see her.

"Right, OK, Mam." The following day he's in the garden

and he sees Blodwen going into the toilet at the end of the garden.

He things, "Right, this is it."

When she comes out, he says, "Afternoon."

She says, "Afternoon."

He says, "Went for a shit, have you?"

There was this young couple, they'd not been married very long...

about a year, you know.

And the husband was with the MD.

And the MD said, "Well, I've listened to your problem."

He said, "You're saying you can't conceive,

"and yet you and your wife are both perfect -

"she has the right amount of eggs, you have the right amount of sperm."

He said, "It could be that you're not doing things the right way."

And he said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "You know, there's a whole subject on this.

"All the different positions."

He said, "Let me tell you one of the easiest ones to do,

"and which has the greatest of satisfaction."

He said, "You can use the wheelbarrow technique."

He said, "What's that?" He said, "Well, you get both

"your wife's legs on either side of you and hold them under your arms.

"And she gets onto her hands and you push her along." He says, "Lovely."

So he goes home and he tells his wife and she says,

"Oh, sounds sexy."

He said, "Well, shall do it?" She says, "Yes, but on two conditions."

He said, "What's that?" She said, "One - you'll stop if it hurts.

"And I don't want you to push me past me mother's."

40 Scousers...somehow

end up at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter comes out.

And he said, "How did you lot get up here?"

He said,

"We have a problem at the moment - there's only room for 12.

"I'll see what I can do. I'll go and ask God."

So he tootles off... God.

He comes back.

Scratching his head,

"Eh, hm."

So he goes back to God.

He said, "God, you'll never believe this.

"They've gone."

God said, "All 40 of them?"

He said, "No, the gates."

There's a little boy, in the school holidays,

he doesn't know what to do,

so he builds a den in his parents' wardrobe.

And one afternoon, he's in the wardrobe

and his mother is in the bedroom with a fella who's not her husband.

And in the middle of it all the downstairs door slams.

She says, "Oh, my God!"

She says, "Me husband is home early."

Fella says, "What am I going to do?" She says, "Hide in the wardrobe.

"Get your clothes, hide in the wardrobe."

So he gets his clothes and he hides in the wardrobe

and he closes it, she says to him, "I'll get rid of him.

"I'll tell him we've got to go to the shops.

"Soon as we've gone, you sneak out." He says, "OK." Closes the door.

He's in there, his heart is thumping away, he's naked

and a bundle of clothes in his hand.

All of a sudden a little voice says,

"Isn't it dark in here?

"Oh, God!" he said.

"Who said that?"

He said, "It's me, down here.

"Isn't it dark in here?"

He said, "Keep your voice down, will you?"

He said, "Are you Father Christmas?"

He said, "No, no, I'm not."

He said, "I wrote to Father Christmas,

"I asked him for a new skateboard,

"and me mum said that I have to wait until Christmas.

"Would you buy me a new skateboard?"

He said, "No, certainly not. Now keep your voice down.

"All right", he said.

"I'll go and ask me dad and see what he says?" No, no, no, come back.

"Come back. All right, all right, all right."

And he emptied his wallet and gave him all the money, he said,

"That will get you a skateboard, now, please, be quiet."

Anyway, the incident passed by and the weekend,

he's out playing on his new skateboard.

His mother said, "Where did you get that?"

She said, "That skateboard, where did you get that skateboard?"

He said, "A man bought it for me."

She said, "You little liar."

She said, "You stole that.

"I told you before." She grabbed him by the ear and she dragged him

round the corner to the church.

Took him down the aisle to the confession box, she opened the door,

she threw him inside, she said, "Confess your sins,"

and she slammed the door.

When he got into the confession box, he said, "Isn't it dark in here."

And the voice said, "Don't you bloody start that again."

It was on the mountains, yes, yes.

And this...

..mother says to her son,

"Where's your pa, son?"

And her son says,

"Why, he's in the barn, Ma."

And the mother says,

"What's he doing in the barn, son?"

And the son said,

"He's hanging by the neck, Ma."

So, his mother says,

"Well, did you cut him down, son?"

And he says, "No, Ma."

"Why didn't you cut him down, son?"

"Well, he wasn't dead yet."

This fella goes in this bar.

He goes up to the bar and he's like that...

Young barman goes towards him and he says, "Can I help you, sir?"

He says, "Whoa, yeah."

He said, "Could you get us a large brandy, please."

The barman rushes over, gives him his drink. So he goes...

Knocks it right back.

Goes, "Blimey, that's a bit better, that."

He says, "Could you make me another one."

Barman says, "Course." Goes, "Make that a treble."

"Oh," he says, "That's a hell of a lot better, that."

He says, "I think one more should just about sort me out."

Barman says, "Give it here, sir."

Gives him it.

Knocks that back.

He says, "That's brilliant. I feel a lot better now."

The young lad says to him,

"You looked terrible when you come in, sir."

He said, "You know, if you had what I've got, you'd feel terrible."

He said, "What have you got, sir?"

He said, "I've got no money."

This Scottish fella, he's got three daughters.

Standing there and he says,

"Oh, lassie, where are you going tonight?"

She says, "Daddy, "I'm going out with Dennis for tennis."

He says, "Oh, that's lovely. Dennis for tennis."

Says to the other daughter, "Where are you going tonight?" She says,

"I'm going out with Rolf for golf."

He says, "Oh, that's lovely. Rolf for golf."

Says to the other one, "Where are you going?" She says,

"I'm going out with Chuck to..." He says, "You're going nowhere."

1956,

Anthony Eden - Prime Minister,

Suez Crisis.

All getting called up.

Me and my mate Fred Cox got sent down to Aldershot.

Now, Fred was the luckiest fella you could ever come across.

Anything that was happening, it went Fred's way.

We get down to Aldershot.

Get our kit, get sorted out.

And they said, "Right, we're going to put you up in the town.

You're not going off barrack room accommodation, we'll line you all up,

we'll march you down into town and we'll billet you.

So, lucky Fred Cox, he comes with us,

we get in, go down, march into town.

Stopped at the first house, officer knocked on the door

and this old woman of about 90 come out, "Yes, what can I do for you?"

He says, "We're billeting the troops out for Suez.

"How many can you take?

"Oh", she says, "I can only take one."

We all thought, "Oh, that's it, that's us."

Sergeant Major says, "Private Cox, pick up your bags, in you go."

At last it's not gone his way.

Marched on, got to the next house.

All halted. Officer knocks on the door.

This gorgeous blonde. Oh, she was lovely.

She opened the door, she's got a slinky, see-through negligee on.

"We're billeting the troops out for Suez, how many can you take?"

She said, "How many have you got?

"How many have we got, Sergeant Major?"

"23 without Cox," and she closed the bloody door.

This is sad.

A guy came home from work and he's met on the driveway by his neighbour.

His neighbour said, "George, don't go in, something terrible has happened."

He said, "What is it?"

He said, "It's your wife."

He said, "Me wife? What about me wife?"

He said, "I had to tell you, she's...

"She's gone and hung herself on the washing line.

"Oh," he said, "That's terrible.

"I haven't got a key."

He said, "I'm going to have to go round to our Emma's to get a key."

He said, "Will you do ma a favour?"

He said, "George, I'll do anything for you."

He said, "While I'm away, if it starts to rain...

"..will you take her in?"

This fella goes for a job, see, and the fella says,

"And what's your name?"

He says, "Mack."

He said, "Look, pal, I've got to have your full name.

"Your Christian name. Your surname. What's your name?" He says, "Mack."

He says, "Last chance, pal,

"if you don't tell me your full name you won't get the job."

He said, "It will take a long time telling you the story."

He said, "I've got plenty of time, tell us."

He said, "When I left school, my name was John Thomas Mack Dangle.

"Being very clever, I went in for doctoring and passed

"and got my MD, so my name's John Thomas Mack Dangle MD.

"Then being a very clever men, I got a BA.

"John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA.

"Then the war broke out, being a bit of a lad, I won a VC.

"John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC.

"The Queen found out I was getting a VC and gave me an MBE.

"Now I'm John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC MBE.

"Then I went out to South America to drop the nuns and the monks

"and that and the missionaries.

"Got with a loose woman called VD.

"So I'm now John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC MBE VD.

"When I come back after getting the VD, the Queen found out

"and took my MBE.

"Now I'm John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VC VD.

"Then the war office found out I got VD and they took my VC.

"Now I'm John Thomas Mack Dangle MD BA VD.

"Then the Bachelor of Arts found out I got the VD and took my BA.

"John Thomas Mack Dangle MD VD.

"Then the doctoring found out I got the VD and took off me MD.

"So my name's John Thomas Mack Dangle VD.

"Well, my VD took off my John Thomas and I've got nothing to dangle

"so they just call me Mack."

Kid goes for a job on a building site

and the foreman says to him, "Can you do electrics?"

He said, "No."

He said, "Can you lay bricks?"

He said, "No."

He said, "How about plumbing?"

He said, "I haven't got a clue."

He said, "Well, can you make the tea?"

He said, "Yeah, I can make the tea."

He said, "Can you drive a forklift truck?"

He said, "How big is the tea bag?"

Two dockers coming off work.

Walks past the security and the guy says to him,

"What's that package under your arm?" He said, "It's me dinner."

He went...

"It's ticking." He said, "It's not, it's turkey."

Man rushes into the local job centre and he says...

.."Hi, I'm here for a job."

The man behind the counter says,

"That's amazing.

"You've just come in time."

He said, "There's a job - a multimillionaire wants

"a chauffeur/bodyguard

"to look after his two nymphomaniac daughters.

"The hours are long but the meals are included.

"You may have to travel oversees with them on their holidays.

"And the salary is 200,000 a year."

The Scouser goes, "You're having me on." He says,

"Well, you started it."

There's an old Italian man in northern Italy, lives in Turin.

And...

he's thinking, "I'm getting 90 years of age,

it's about time I made me peace.

I'm not going to live for ever."

So he went down to the local church, says to the priest,

"I'd like to make a confession, father, you know.

"Get something off me chest."

So he says, "OK." "Well, it's 65 years since me last confession."

So he says, "OK, what do you want to tell me?

"Well, during the war,

"this part of Germany, there's a lot of Gestapo."

He said, "One day, a beautiful, young Jewish girl came to me

"and said, will you hide me, please?

"Will you hide me?"

So he said, "I hid her in a loft."

He said, "Well, there's nothing to confess there", he said,

"you put both your lives in danger.

"Well," he said, "There's more."

"All right," he said.

"This young Jewish, lovely girl, he said,

"all she had were the clothes she stood up in, she was destitute.

"She wanted to repay me in the worst possible way, she said, and

"the only way she had to replay me, well, shall we say, sexual favours.

"Oh, I see", he says. "Oh, yeah, he said. Every day.

"Sometimes twice on a Sunday.

So he said, "We were like it like a pair of rabbits."

The priest said, "I get the idea, you know."

So he said, the priest, after a moment,

"Well, when people are thrown together

"in times of adversity, times like those," he said,

"they cling to each other for support," he said,

"and really what you did, you saved that young girl's life.

"Go away with a clear conscience."

"Thank you, father," he said.

"That's made my... Ah, you don't know what it's done for me.

"One thing before I go, father," he said. "What's that?"

He said, "When I get home,

do you think I ought to tell her the war's over?"

Two hats on a hat stand. One says to the other...

.."You hang around here, I'll go on ahead."

Woman goes into Liverpool Echo office.

Her husband's passed away, she wants to put an obituary in.

Girl behind the counter says, "It's £5 a word.

"Blimey," she says, "That's a bit steep, that.

"£5 a word."

She said, "I haven't got a lot of money, like."

She said, "Just put...

"Sam Jones dead."

Three words - 15 quid.

Girl says, "No, we can't do that."

"Can't do that.

"For an obituary you've got to have a minimum of seven words.

"Bloody hell", she says.

"Seven words... Tell you what, put Sam Jones dead...

.."golf clubs for sale."

Pope's doing a tour of Ireland.

Going round and he gets asked, "What do you think of County Down?

He answers, "It was all right until Carol Vorderman left.

Two blokes are sitting in a pub.

One's confiding in the other.

"Me wife, the other day, said to me,

" 'you better get to the doctor's.

" 'You're having a few problems in the bedroom department.

" 'Go and see if you can get some of those pills to help you

" 'stand to attention and all that.'

"So you should have seen my wife's face when I got back -

"devastated, she was."

He went, "Why, why, what have you done?"

He went, "I threw her a packet of slimming pills."

Second world war, young Liverpool lad gets evacuated to the Wirral,

posh part where I come from. Can't you tell by the accent?

Anyway, he gets evacuated over to a butcher's shop on the Wirral.

And he's put to work in the butcher's and the butcher trains him up.

After two weeks, the butcher goes out one Saturday morning

and leaves him in charge.

Just then a big, posh car comes up.

Outside, woman comes in, says,

"Young man, I would like two Gressingham ducks, please."

Liverpool lad, never heard of them,

goes to the back of the shop, brings back two ducks.

Anyway.

Posh woman puts her hand inside the cavity of the duck and goes...

"Young man, they're not Gressingham ducks, they're Norfolk ducks.

"Bring me Gressingham ducks."

Goes back into the back of the shop again, brings out two ducks,

very confused.

She puts her hand in the cavity of the duck again.

"Young man, they're Aylesbury ducks, I want Gressingham ducks."

He goes back into the shop, brings out two more ducks.

Hand in the cavity.

"Young man, they're mallard ducks.

"It's obvious you're not from round here. Where are you from?"

He drops his trousers, bends over and says,

"You're the expert, you tell me."

Nice to get away from home as well.

I'm a bit cheesed off with the wife. She's always moaning,

"Can me mother come down for the weekend?"

I said, "Why?" She says, "She's freezing in the loft."

This lady, she says to her husband, she said...

"We've been married for 20 years,

"and our sex life has absolutely gone down the drain."

She says, "What we going to do?"

She said, "I'll tell you what.

"I'll go to the doctor's and see if he's got any remedies."

So she goes to the doctor, explains to the doctor what's happing.

He says, "Don't worry about it.

"This happens all the time," he said.

"When you go home tonight, when you go to bed, get a big electric fan.

"Put it over the bed. The cool air, it will work."

She says, "OK."

She goes back home to her husband, tells him what's happened.

Said, "We've got to get an electric fan."

He said, "No, I'm not buying no electric fan."

She said, "Well, we've got to have an electric fan."

He said, "I'm not buying one."

He said, "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said, "I'll get Paddy,

"me mate from next door, and he can waft a towel over us.

"Same thing," he said.

So she said, "OK."

So that night they got into bed and Paddy comes in,

he's wafting the towel.

She gets up, she says, "No, there's nothing happening, still the same."

So she says, "I'll tell you what. Why don't we swap places.

"Paddy over there with me and you get on the towel."

He said, "OK, we'll have a go at that."

So he gets out.

He starts with the towel.

After about five minutes she jumps up,

"Marvellous, fantastic", she said.

"Not had anything like this for 20 years."

And he looks over at Paddy and says, "That's how you waft the towel."

Marvellous, this age now, with the mobile phones and all that.

I got a text the other week, that I'd won a few bob,

and the text, read the text and it said,

you've won £500

in cash for an Elvis Presley competition that I entered.

And I scrolled it down, it said,

you can either have the £500 or the alternative is,

there's an Elvis Presley impersonator on at some club in Liverpool

and you can go and see the show completely free or the cash.

It said, press one for the money and two for the show.

Scouser says to a fella, says to his mate,

there's a fella being shot in the supermarket.

His mate said, "Has there?" "No, Morrisons."

This teacher in America,

and he decides it's time that his class had some sex education.

So he gets them together and he says, "OK, children,

"this morning we're going to have a talk on sex."

So he says, "George, would you stand up

"and tell us what you think sex is."

So George stands up and he says, "Well,

"we got a little Alsatian dog which is a boy

"and next door they got a little Alsatian dog which is a girl.

"And every now and again they get together

"and have little Alsatian dogs.

"And that's sex." "Very good, George, very good.

"Mary, would you stand up and tell us what you think sex is."

So Mary stands up and she says,

"We got a little blue budgerigar which is a boy

"and across the street they got a little green budgerigar

"which is a girl.

"And every now and again they get together

"and they have little budgerigars and that's sex.

"Very good, Mary, very good.

"Now, erm...

"Irving, would you stand up and tell us what you think sex is."

So Irving stands up and he says, "Well, for instance,

"Hopalong Cassidy's riding through the range,

"and up from behind a rock jumps these three bad men

"and they pull their guns out and they say,

"Hands up, Hopalong, and Hopalong pulls his guns out and goes...

"And shoots all the bad men, and that's sex.

"Irving.

"Irving, what has that got to do with sex?

"Well, it just shows you, you can't fuck about with Hopalong Cassidy."

A young Scouse girl, 16, first day at work.

Six foot tall, absolutely gorgeous.

Legs were out to her armpits. Goes into work.

One of her colleagues says to her, "Your hair smells lovely."

She's a bit taken aback on her first day. Following day,

she's dressed up to the nines again, short skirt, he goes up to her,

says, "Your hair smells more lovely today than yesterday."

She's a bit worried about this.

"If he says it tomorrow, I'm going to say something."

Next day, she's in again, pair of hot pants on. Lovely.

He puts his arm around his waist this time, has a good sniff, goes,

"Your hair smells absolutely divine."

She says, "I'm going to have a word with HR about you."

She goes to HR, she says, "I want a work about one of me colleagues.

"What's the problem, what's the problem?

"Well, three days now, he's been saying to me your hair smells lovely.

"Take it as a compliment." She said, "It's Keith the dwarf."

A friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong current must have pulled him in.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd