Some Boffins with Jokes Some People with Jokes

This programme contains some strong language.

So the first joke is

about the Higgs boson.

Higgs boson goes into a church

and he's confronted by the vicar.

And the vicar says, "You can't come in here.

"We don't want your sort. You'll upset the congregation."

And Higgs boson says, "Why?

"You can't have mass without me!"

Um, so old Professor Heisenberg and his wife have been married 64 years

and they've had a full marital life all of that time.

However, Mrs Heisenberg has realised in the last few months

he's not quite keeping his end up in terms of his marital duties.

And she gets on at him about it.

"I've had enough of this. I'm taking you to the doctor."

And he says, "I'm sorry, what did you say, love? I can't hear."

She says, "I'm taking you to the doctor to get you checked out."

So they go along to the doctor and explain the situation.

The doctor says, "At your age, you've had a good run

"but we won't take any risks. We want a full set of tests on you.

"We'll have a faecal sample, a urine sample,

"we'll need a semen sample and a blood sample.

"We'll do the full battery of tests."

And he said, "Sorry, Doc, I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?"

And the wife nudges him and says, "He wants to see your underpants."

This man is not feeling very well

so he decides to go and see a psychiatrist.

He's been not feeling very well for quite some time.

He goes to see the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist says, "What do you think is wrong with you?"

So he said, "Well, I don't know what it is,

"but I keep feeling as if I'm behaving like a dog.

"I keep barking all the time, I go down on all fours,

"and when I'm walking along the road, every time I come to a tree,

"I have to cock my rear leg and have to do a pee."

So the psychiatrist said, "That sounds very unusual.

"If you'd like to hop up onto the couch, I'll examine you."

And the man says, "No, I can't do that."

And the psychiatrist says, "Why is that?"

"I'm not allowed on the couch!"

So there's this bar in town and one day in walks some black tarmac.

"I'm hard. I'm the road. I'm hard tarmac. Grr."

Sits down and he has his drink.

Then in walks this red tarmac, saying, "I'm the hardest tarmac.

"I'm a bus lane. Grr!"

They're both sitting down having their drinks and in walks this green tarmac.

They're both like, "Oh, shit!"

And the barman's like, "Oi, out now!"

And they were like, "What?"

He goes, "Didn't you see him? He was a cycle path!"

So a little girl goes to the barber's with her father.

And she stands by the barber's chair, eating some cake, watching her dad get his hair cut.

And the barber turns and says to her,

"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

To which she says, "I know. I'm going to get tits, as well."

Why did Lieutenant Uhura smell so bad?

Because William "Shatner"!

I was in a restaurant with some friends, having a nice, swanky meal

and the waiter came round with the dessert menu.

And I was looking through the dessert menu

and I looked up to him and noticed he had a load of cutlery in his top pocket.

I said, "What's with the cutlery in your top pocket?"

And he went, "Oh, we've all got them. All the waiting staff have."

I said, "What's it all about?"

He said, "I'm actually a maths student. I work here to pay the bills.

"And I noticed we spend a huge amount of time going back and forth from the tables to the kitchen

"getting fresh bits of cutlery for people that had knocked it off their table.

"So I worked out if we all carry a bit of cutlery in our pocket,

"we save about 75 minutes a night."

I thought that was a brilliant idea.

So he brought my dessert over and, sure enough,

I knocked the spoon on the floor.

He whips out a spoon, puts it down on the table before me.

I'm like, "That's really good service."

A bit later on, I'm paying the bill and give him a nice hefty tip

cos he's spent all that extra time with us cos he hasn't got to go and collect all the cutlery.

Then I notice he's got a bit of string hanging out of his fly.

And I said, "What's with the string in your fly, then?"

And he goes, "Oh, that's another time-saving device, you see.

"All us chaps waste a huge amount of time washing our hands after we go to the toilet."

He said, "What we do is tie a bit of string round our dicks

"and then we undo our fly, ping it out, have a pee,

"and then we don't have to wash our hands afterwards."

I said, "Well, that's all right,

"but how do you get it back in your trousers again?"

He goes, "I don't know about the others, but I used the spoon."

Two goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and goes, "Who's driving this damn thing?"

So a man and a woman are in a bar.

And the man and the woman are flirting and carrying on.

Finally, the woman says, "I should let you know that my husband left me cos I'm too kinky."

And the man said, "Wow! Well, my wife left me cos I'm too kinky.

"Let's see what's going on."

They go back to her place and she says, "Let me change into something more comfortable."

So she goes into her bedroom and starts putting on leather and chains and everything.

And finally she's all ready. It took her a while.

And she's coming out of her bedroom door and sees he's walking out of her apartment.

She said, "Where are you going?"

And he said, "I already took a shit in your purse and fucked your dog. I'm leaving."

So a purple man wakes up in a purple house on a purple morning.

He gets out of his purple bed and goes to his purple bathroom,

brushes his purple teeth with his purple toothbrush and purple toothpaste.

He puts on purple clothes, leaves his purple house, shuts his purple door and gets into his purple car.

Drives his purple car down the purple road

and drives to the purple marina

where his purple boat is moored, bobbing on the purple waves.

Gets onto the purple boat and sails across the beautiful purple sea, with the beautiful purple sun.

Then he gets to a purple island, moors his purple boat and drops the purple anchor into the purple sea.

Gets out of the boat and lies on the purple beach.

It's such a beautiful purple day, he falls asleep.

And when he wakes up, his purple boat has disappeared.

The purple anchor's come unstuck,

the purple boat has sailed off across the purple sea.

And he screams, "Oh, my God! I'm marooned!"

So there's a biologist.

An animal behaviourist, if you like.

And he has a very popular stage show out in Vegas.

He says, "I have this crocodile here. I've had it since it was a baby crocodile.

"And I've trained it better than anyone has ever trained a crocodile before.

"You would not believe the things I can do with this crocodile."

So first, the crocodile is in the ring and he creeps up to the crocodile,

touches the crocodile and everyone is going, "Woo!"

Then he opens the crocodile's jaws and sticks his head right into the crocodile's jaws.

He takes it out again, and everyone is really impressed.

And he goes, "OK, you haven't seen anything yet.

Here is my piece de resistance.

So he gets the crocodile, drops his trousers

gets his private parts

and puts them very gently into the crocodile's mouth

and then very, very gently shuts the crocodile's jaws.

And then he goes, "Ta-da!"

Then he says, "OK, this isn't cruel,

"but he's an old crocodile and he has trouble opening his jaws again.

"So I'm going to have to hit him on the head with a hammer,

"quite gently, but it just shocks him, helps him open up a bit."

So he gets a hammer and goes bang on the crocodile's head

and sure enough, the crocodile's jaws snap open.

And so he goes, "That was so daring.

"I bet none of you would ever want to do that.

"Would any of you be daring enough to do that?"

And there's a silence in the arena. And then a little old lady at the back goes,

"Um, well, I'll do it,

"but you've got to promise not to hit me on the head with a hammer!"

Two interesting facts about me.

My penis is the length of two IKEA pencils,

and the other interesting fact is I'm banned from IKEA!

I went to a bar last night and I saw a guy sat at the bar

and he was chatting up a cheetah.

I remember thinking, "He's trying to pull a fast one."

A pirate walks into a bar,

completely naked.

Except he has a giant helm, you know, the steering wheels on big ships.

He's got a helm attached to his penis.

And he starts wandering around this bar,

and everyone's staying out of his way, cos he doesn't look particularly happy.

Finally, he stumbles over to the bar

and the barman says,

"Mate, I don't know if you've noticed,

"but you've got a giant helm attached to your penis."

To which the pirate replies,

"Arr, it's driving me nuts!"

A triangle walks into a bar.

And the barman says, "Why the long hypotenuse?"

A woman walks into a health food shop

and she's reaching up to a high shelf

and dislodges a huge jar of Omega-3 tablets.

It lands on her head and she hits the floor.

But it's OK. She just suffered "super fish oil" injuries.

I wonder if you know the definition of outgoing computer scientists?

That'll be one that looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.

There's a really crowded train carriage, really packed.

Everyone's sitting on the train and a man bursts into the carriage

and goes, "Is there a Roman Catholic priest anywhere on this train?"

And he barges through the carriage looking for a Roman Catholic priest.

Everyone looks at each other. There's a pause, a little gap, and he comes back in again.

"A vicar? Is there a Church of England vicar anywhere on this train?"

Forces his way through. Still nothing.

Comes back a third time. "Is there a Rabbi? A Rabbi anywhere on the train?"

Pushes his way through. Comes back a fourth time.

A man stands up and says, "Perhaps I can help. I'm a Methodist minister."

And the man says, "No, no, no, we need a corkscrew!"

What's the fastest way to tell the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down its genes!

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?

Camembert!

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They never get the house!

What cheese do you use if you want to hide a horse?

"Mascarpone"!

How many gravitational physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to hold the light bulb...

..and the other to rotate the universe!

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to unscrew the light bulb

and one to hold my pe.. Sorry, ladder!

What is Jim Morrison's favourite cheese selection?

# Camembert brie white Cheshire #

So a blonde is doing a really complicated jigsaw puzzle. She doesn't know where to start.

She's completely lost, so she decides to ask her boyfriend for help.

So she takes him into the room with the puzzle and says, "Look,

"from the box I can see that this puzzle is supposed to be a tiger.

"But I'm completely lost. Don't know where to start."

So he looks at it, looks at her and says, "OK,

"first things first. We're never going to be able to do this puzzle.

"Second thing, relax, have a cup of coffee

"and put the Frosties back in the box."

What did the number zero say to the number eight?

"Nice belt."

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So he gives her one.

This man has a lot of friends, and every so often, they say, "Look,

"there's something wrong with you. Every time we meet you, you're always going on about sex.

"Can't you get sex out of your mind?

"You really are obsessed with sex.

"I think you ought to go and seek some help.

"Why don't you go and see a psychiatrist?"

So very reluctantly he thinks,

"Maybe they're right. Maybe I should go and seek some help."

So he goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Can you help me?

"All my friends keep telling me I'm obsessed with sex."

So the psychiatrist says, "I'll show you a few pictures on various cards.

"I want you to look at these pictures and tell me the first thing that comes into your head

"when you see this picture."

So the psychiatrist takes out a picture and it's a photo of Margaret Thatcher.

He says, "What does that remind you of when you look at that picture?"

So the man looks at it for a few minutes and said,

"That picture reminds me of a man and a woman in bed making love."

The psychiatrist takes out another picture. A picture of Big Ben.

He says, "Have a look at this picture. Tell me what you think of this."

So the man says, "Again,

"I see a man and a woman in bed having sex."

All right, says the psychiatrist.

"Have a look at this picture." It's a picture of a cow grazing in a field.

"Again, it reminds me of a man and woman in bed

"and they're having sex."

So by this time, the psychiatrist is scratching his head.

"Well, it does seem as if you are really obsessed with sex."

So the man says, "Me obsessed with sex?!

"You're the one who keeps showing me all these dirty pictures!"

So two Jewish scientists sitting in a cafe in Tel Aviv.

They call the waiter and one says, "I'd like some iced tea, please."

And the other one says, "Yeah, I'll have the same. Make sure it's a clean glass."

So the waiter comes back and says, "OK. Two iced teas.

"Who wanted the clean glass?"

So the philosopher Rene Descartes walks into a sandwich shop

and says to the guy behind the counter,

"I'd like a chicken sandwich on white bread, please."

The guy says, "I'm really sorry, we haven't got any chicken

"and we haven't got any white bread. I can do you a turkey on brown bread. Is that any good?

Rene Descartes says, "I think not." And disappears.

Dr Schrodinger, after a really long day in the lab, is driving home.

And he gets pulled over by the police.

The policeman comes to the door and asks to see the driver's licence.

And he says, Dr Schrodinger, you're driving rather erratically.

Do you mind if I search your car?

So he says, "No, go ahead."

So the policeman searches the car, comes back to the driver's window and says,

"Dr Schrodinger, are you aware there's a dead cat in your boot?"

And he says, "Well, there is now!"

The problem with being a marine biologist

is it's the kind of job that can make you a lot of anemones.

There are two men, and they're in the French Foreign Legion.

They're out in the desert and it's really hot and there's not a lot to do

and they're there for weeks and weeks.

One day, one man says to the other,

"I'm really fed up. What do you do for women round here?

"I haven't had a woman in months.

"Is there anything that you do?"

And the second man says, "Well, I'm afraid there aren't any women around here.

"We have to kind of use other means."

The first man says, "What do you mean by that?"

And the second man goes, "Bear with me. Every few months the camel train comes round.

"And it sounds bad, but we use the camels."

And the first man goes, "That is disgusting! Really!"

And the second one goes, "You wait,

"when you've been here for six months, you'll be glad of those camels."

Sure enough, a few weeks later,

a huge cry goes up, "The camels are here! The camels are here!"

And everyone starts running, legging it across the desert.

And the man's friend goes, "Come on, mate, the camels are here! The camels!"

And the man goes, "What's the problem? Aren't there enough camels to go round?"

And the second man goes, "Yeah, but I don't want an ugly one!"

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He needed a poo.

In the primary class, the teacher is trying to educate the class

in use of long words.

And the specific word of the day is "definitely".

Particularly used in a scientific context.

So they say to the class, "Can you think of a sentence where you'd use the word "definitely"?

So Mary puts her hand up. "I've got one. I will definitely have sausage and chips for my tea tonight."

And the teacher says, "That's nice. Almost right, Mary,

"but your mum might make you burgers or something.

"You can't definitely say that. That's definitely not the right use of "definitely".

So they ask a few other members of the class and the same situation comes up.

A bit later on, little Johnny puts his hand up and he says,

"Miss, does wind have lumps in it?"

And she says, "No, I don't think so, Johnny."

And he says, "In that case, I've definitely shat myself!"

There's a sausage in a frying pan, sizzling away.

Guy chucks another sausage in. The sausage goes, "Phew, it's hot in here",

and the other sausage goes, "Bloody hell, it's a talking sausage!"

So a photon walks into a hotel.

He's booked a room, so he checks in. The porter comes up to him and says,

"Can I help you with your luggage, sir?"

The photon says, "No, it's all right. I'm travelling light."

So a lady's walking down the road

and she sees a man in tears, by his car.

So she goes to see what the problem is.

The man is in floods of tears, and next to him she sees a dead rabbit.

There's a basket and a whole bunch of chocolate eggs.

She asks the man, "What happened?"

And he said, "Oh, my God. I've killed the Easter bunny."

So she says, "OK, it's fine. It's fine."

She rifles in her giant ladies' handbag and gets this spray can

and she sprays it on the bunny and instantly the bunny jumps back to life.

The man is so impressed and so relieved. "We can have Easter again."

And the man says, "What is in that magic spray?"

And she reads the bottle and it says,

"Hair spray. Revives dead hair."

What shivers and lives at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck!

Mr and Mrs Hill are driving in the Transylvanian countryside

on a long motoring holiday.

And the car breaks down.

They're up in the mountains, there's no mobile phone signal.

It's getting dark and they're starting to get worried.

They notice back along the path a little bit

there's a big old Transylvanian Castle.

"We'll go and see if we can get some help."

So they trudge up to the door and bang on the door.

The big brass knocker booms.

Eventually, they hear clip-clop, clip-clop.

And a very old, bent man opens the door and says, "Yes?"

They say, "We're Mr and Mrs Hill here on holiday in Transylvania.

"Our car's broken down. We're wondering it we can phone the garage and get it repaired."

He says, "I'm terribly sorry. The master never had the telephone installed

"but you're welcome to come and stay the night."

They said, "Oh, that's very kind." He said, "The master's busy, so he'll join us for breakfast."

"OK, fine." So the old man shows them to a bedroom, a beautiful plush bedroom

and they lie down and fall asleep. They'd had a busy day.

Middle of the night, the door creaks open

and the old man comes in.

And he lifts up a dagger and stabs Mr Hill through the heart.

And he comes along to Mrs Hill and he stabs her through the heart.

He throws one over one shoulder, one over the other shoulder,

stumps off down the spiral staircase deep into the dungeons under the castle.

He pushes open the door and there's the master's laboratory.

There's lightning crackling, and a Van de Graaff generator in the corner.

And the master is sat at a huge pipe organ playing terrible discords all over the keyboard.

Igor, that is his name, lays Mr Hill down on one slab,

lays Mrs Hill down on the other slab

and goes over to the master and says, "We're ready, Master."

And the master looks over his shoulder

at the Hills laid out on the slab

and strikes a terrible discord on the organ.

And Mr Hill comes up blank, staring off into the distance.

And he plays another discord on the organ

and Mrs Hill is up there, and they're sat upon the slabs.

And the master leans back, cracks his fingers and starts to play

# The Hills are alive with the sound of music... #

And what's the difference between a camera and socks?

A camera takes photos

and a sock takes five toes.

There are two little atoms walking down the street.

And they bump into one another. And the first atom says...

"I think I've just been ionised."

"Are you OK? That was quite a knock."

And the second one says, "I don't think I am. I think I've lost an electron."

And the first one says, "Ooh, goodness, are you sure?"

He goes, "Yes, I'm positive!"

Two engineering student friends bump into each other on the street.

And one says to the other,

"Nice bike you've got here. Is it new?"

The second one says, "Well, you'll never guess what happened.

"I was walking to class one day

"and this beautiful woman, riding this very bike,

"comes next to me, stops, gets off her bike,

"takes off all her clothes

"and says, 'Take anything you want.'"

After a pause, the first guy says, "You were very right to take the bike.

"Her clothes would have probably never suited you."

The biologist says to the physicist,

"We've got a gorilla, and it's on heat, and it wants to have sex.

"Are you prepared to have sex with it?"

And the physicist says, "Well..."

"Are you prepared to have sex with it for £500?"

And the physicist says, "On three conditions.

"First, I'm not going to kiss it.

"Second, I don't want my family ever to know about this.

"And third, it's going to take me two days to get that money together."

SPEAKS ENGLISH WITH STRONG RUSSIAN ACCENT

A skeleton walks into a bar and says I'd like a pint and a mop, please.

It took a while! You got there!

Did you hear about the South African family

who gained a lot of weight on their holiday to Greece?

Kept getting feta and feta and feta!

Why don't skeletons bungee jump?

Got no guts!

A rabbit one day is walking around and finds his way to the butcher's.

He goes to the butcher, "Do you have any carrots?"

The butcher says, "We don't eat carrots. We're a butcher's."

So the rabbit leaves and next day comes back, "Do you have any carrots?"

The butcher goes, "I told you, we don't have any carrots. We're a butcher's."

The third day he comes in again, and the butcher goes,

"We don't have any carrots! If you come back again, I'll nail you to the wall."

The rabbit goes off. On the fourth day, the rabbit comes back.

He asks the butcher very clearly, "Do you have any nails?"

"No." "Do you have any carrots?"

What's round and sounds like a trumpet?

A crumpet!

Professor Heisenberg, again, is busy with his wife shopping down at the supermarket, one day.

He's a bit doddery and he gets lost.

It turns out he bumps into, in the supermarket, his young research associate.

And he says, "I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a bit lost. I'm looking for my wife.

And the young fellow says, "That's strange. I've lost my wife as well.

"I'm looking here as well, looking for my wife.

He said, "Maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

He said, "She's 24, got a perfect figure, wearing a tight mini skirt,

"lovely blonde hair. What does your wife look like, Professor?"

He said, "Never mind. Let's look for your wife!"

The other one might be impenetrable.

But what do you get

if you put a black hole into an indestructible dustbin?

What happens?

So it takes off.

OK.

-Do you get it?

-No!

No.

A man walks into a bar. "I'd like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please."

"Certainly", says the barman. That'll be "ATP"!

A man's been having headaches for years. Really bad headaches.

His wife's complaining, he's drinking too much, can't sleep.

Eventually he goes to his GP. His GP says, "Go see a consultant."

So the consultant says,

"We've tried every test in the book. Blood tests, everything. Scans. We don't know what it is.

"But I've got a colleague who I'll refer you to."

He refers him to his colleague. His colleague does the same thing. No luck.

The headaches are worse and worse. He goes and sees somebody else and somebody else.

On the fifth person, he says, "This is it. Whatever you guys say, I'll do."

The last consultant says, "OK,

"I know what is wrong with you. You have goolie-itis!"

"Goolie-itis?! What's that?"

"Goolie-itis. It's when your testicles are squeezed up too close to your crotch in your pelvis."

He says, "Oh, my God! What can you do?"

He said, "There's only one cure. We have to chop them off. They have to go."

"What?!" "Chop them off!"

The man says, "What do I do? What do I do?

"It's headaches or no crown jewels!"

So he says, "OK, fine. Go for it."

The following day, they're gone.

He's in hospital. A week later, he's out, he's feeling good.

No headaches. "Time to look after myself and give myself a treat."

He's walking down the high street and he sees a shop that sells suits.

"I'll get a new suit." He walks in. The tailor opens the door and says,

"Hello, sir, I suspect you're looking for a suit?" "Yes."

"I think you're a size 40 chest, aren't you, sir?" "Spot on."

"A size 16-and-a-half collar."

He said, "Yes, very good."

"And a size 34-inch leg." "Spot on. Perfect."

And the tailor said, "Would you like some shoes, sir?" "Yes, please."

"I think you're a size ten-and-a-half shoes, and your left arch is fallen."

"Amazing. It's all spot-on."

So the man's now thinking, "What's left?"

The tailor said, "Would you like some undergarments, sir? Some underpants?"

And the man said, "Yeah, why not? Guess what my size is?"

And the tailor said, "Without a doubt, sir, you're definitely a size 38."

And the man said, "No, size 32."

Tailor said, "Without a doubt, sir, that's wrong.

"If you were a size 32, your testicles would be squeezed up against your crotch

"and you'd have the worst headaches in the world!"

I think that's about it.

That is probably about it, yes.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd