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Fella goes to the doctors. He says, "I've got a problem down below." | 0:00:15 | 0:00:20 | |
Doctor says, "What do you...?" He said, "You know, scrotum." | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
He said, "Get undressed, let's have a look at you." | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
He gets undressed, the doctor's weighing up the situation. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
He says, "Quite rare this, but you've got three testicles." | 0:00:31 | 0:00:37 | |
Bloke says, "What?" He said... | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
"Nothing to worry about, it's not life-threatening or anything but | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
"you've got three testicles, it's quite uncommon." | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
Fella said, "Am I going to be all right?" | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
"Oh, aye, nothing to worry about." | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
So he gets dressed, he walks down the road, quite relieved. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
He thinks, "If I use my head here, I could make a few bob out of this." | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
So he goes in the nearest ale house. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
An old fella next time to him, leaning on the bar... | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
gets a pint. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
He says, "All right, pop?" He says, "All right." | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
He says, "Do you have a bet, pop?" He says, | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
"Oh, aye, do the horses every day, do the pools every weekend. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:16 | |
He says, "You don't fancy having a bet with me, do you?" | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
He says, "Depends, like." | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
He said, "I bet you a tenner that between us we've got | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
"five testicles." | 0:01:24 | 0:01:25 | |
The old fella says, "Are you soft or what?" | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
"Tell you what," | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
he said, "Make it 20 quid, between us we've got five testicles." | 0:01:31 | 0:01:36 | |
Old fella says, "All right, you're on." | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
So they adjourn to the gents. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
The old fella drops his kecks, he says, | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
"There's my one, where's your four?" | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
There's a scouser on an airplane. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
And he's never flown before. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
He's going to America to see his cousin. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
He's very excited about the whole thing, going to Heathrow | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
and it's all thrilling for him. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
Gets on the plane and everybody's so nice to him | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
and polite and the cabin crew, they can't do enough for him. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
He thinks it's wonderful, "What a wonderful way to travel." | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
He doesn't realise but he's been seated next to | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
an Evangelist preacher. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
Real fire and brimstone guy who's just been on a tour, | 0:02:17 | 0:02:23 | |
Evangelist tour in the UK. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
And he's returning to America. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
Anyway, the flight gets under way. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
And a beautiful young lady comes round, cabin crew, | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
she comes over with the trolley. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
And she says to the Scouser, "Would you care for a drink?" | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
He says, "Oh, yeah, great. I'll have a whiskey." | 0:02:37 | 0:02:42 | |
She said, "Certainly, sir. With ice?" He said, "Yeah, yeah, great." | 0:02:42 | 0:02:46 | |
Puts the drink on the tray with ice. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
Hands it to him. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
And she says to the Evangelist preacher, | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
"Sir, would you like a drink?" | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
He said, "Young lady, | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
"I would rather fornicate with the whore of Babylon than drink alcohol." | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
So the Scouser put his drink back on the tray. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
He said, "I didn't know there was a choice, I'll have the same as him." | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
Me daughter's a school teacher. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
Primary school kids. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
And just before they broke up, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
in the morning, little Jimmy come in late, about quarter to ten. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
And she said, "Where have you been, Jimmy?" | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
He said, "Me granddad got burned." | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
She said, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Was it bad?" | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
He said, "Well, they don't mess about at the crematorium, do they?" | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
Three tortoises decide to go out on a picnic - Jim, Ray and Alan. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:44 | |
They go out, takes them ten days to get there on this ten mile... | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
They get to the picnic, gets the sandwiches out, gets the drinks out. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
Goes to have a drink - no bottle opener. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
So Jim and Ray say to Alan, | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
"Go back and get the bottle opener." | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
He went, "No, I'm not going back." | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
"Go on, we'll wait for you to come back, we won't eat the picnic. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
"We'll wait for you, promise." | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
"Are you sure now?" He said, "Yeah." So off Alan goes. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:13 | |
Ten days go. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Ray and Jim are like, | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
"Wonder where he is." No sign of him. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
Another ten days go by. "Starving here. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
"Wonder where he is." Looking round. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
Five days go past and Jim goes, | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
"Sack this, I'm not waiting no more, I'm starving." And started eating. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
Next thing, Alan jumps out from behind a rock and goes, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
"I knew you'd start without me!" | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
It's 1775 and Captain Jack with his Scouse crew has been charged | 0:04:38 | 0:04:43 | |
with bringing a tonne of gold from Durban, South Africa to Liverpool. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
Word gets round the clubs in Durban that there's a few bob to be made | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
for an enterprising pirate. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
Two days out of Durban, | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
someone up in the crow's nest shouts, | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
"Pirate ship on the port bow!" | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Captain Jack leaps up on the deck. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
Musters his crew. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
And shouts, "Bring forth my bright red shirt!" | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
The bosun brings the shirt, puts it on him. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
And as the pirate ships draw close, | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
a fierce battle rages. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Captain Jack leads from the front with his cutlass and his pistol | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
and his knife. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
And after two hours the pirates are repelled. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
Four days out of Durban. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Someone up in the crow's nest shouts, | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
"Pirate ship on the port bow!" | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
Captain Jack leaps forward onto the deck. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
He musters his crew and shouts, | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
"Bring forth my bright red shirt!" | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
The bosun brings his shirt and puts it on. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
The men line up. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
A fierce battle rages and Captain Jack leads from the front, | 0:05:49 | 0:05:53 | |
stabbing and shooting and knifing everybody. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
And after two hours the pirates are repelled. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
All the men are lying on the deck recovering from the battle. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:03 | |
Tending their wounds. One crew member says to the other one, | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
"Excuse me, how is it, every time there's a fight, | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
"Captain Jack puts this red shirt on?" | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
"Ah," his friend says, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
"the reason is, as you've noticed, Captain Jack leads from the front. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
"He wants everybody to be a big fighter like him. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
"And he wears the red shirt so if he gets injured or stabbed | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
"you will not see the blood and you won't get disheartened | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
"and fail and you will win the day like you did today." | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
He said, "Crikey, that's very clever." | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
Six days out of Durban. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
There's a shout from the crow's nest, | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
"Five pirate ships on the port bow!" | 0:06:41 | 0:06:45 | |
Captain Jack leaps on the deck. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
"How many?" He said, "Five pirate ships." | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
Captain Jack shouts, "Bring forth my brown trousers." | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
Old woman has two monkeys and they die and she's dead upset. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:04 | |
And her mate says, "Why don't you take them to the taxidermist?" | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
And she says, "Oh, that's a good idea." | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Takes them to the taxidermist. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
She says, "I want them stuffed." He says, "Do you want them mounting?" | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
She says, "Oh, no, just holding hands will do." | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
A mate of mine bought a house in Childwall. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
Childwall was the posh part of Liverpool before they built Garston. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:25 | |
Moved into the house and a neighbour came to see how he was getting on. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
He said, "Everything all right?" He said, "The house is fine | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
"but I can't stand that privet hedge at the front of the garden." | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
He said, "That's coming out." | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
He said, "You can't do anything about that." He said, "Why not?" | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
He said, "It's got a preservation order on it, it's a | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
"protected species. You've got to leave that in." | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
He says, "Oh, it's coming out, no messing." And out it went. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
A week later there's a knock on the door - council officer. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
"Where's the hedge gone?" He says, "I've taken it out." | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
"Protected species." He says, "I don't bloody care, it's gone." | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
He said, "Here." | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
"Magistrate's court the following week." | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
Goes up in front of the magistrate, magistrate says, | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
"We can't have any of this, you're damaging the environment. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
He said, "You go to prison for six weeks." | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
Went off to Waltham. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
Got in his cell. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
He sat there and this big fella, six foot 12, | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
built like a brick outhouse, comes in. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
"You're my new cell-mate, are you?" "Yes." | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
"How long are you in for?" He said, "Six weeks." | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
He said, "What for?" | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
He said, "I pulled down a privet hedge that was protected. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
"How long are you in for?" He said, "15 years." | 0:08:31 | 0:08:35 | |
He said, "What for?" He said, "Rape." | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
He said, "You must have had acres of it!" | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
You know, it's useful now, I don't know whether you're aware, | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
you can call in to the chemist now for medical advice on, | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
you know, routine minor matters. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
I called in our local chemist. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:54 | |
I said, "Have you got a cure for hiccups?" | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
He went like that - whack! Hit me straight in the face. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
I said, "What did you do that for?" | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
He said, "Sudden shock cures hiccups." | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
He says, "You haven't got hiccups any more, have you?" | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
I said, "I never had hiccups, | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
"it's the wife in the car who's got the hiccups." | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
I said, "While I'm here, I'd like a comb." | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
He said, "Do you want a steel one?" I said, "No, I'll buy it." | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
He was getting a bit cheeky. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Just then two little lads came in. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
One's about seven, the other's about four. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
Chemist says, "What do you want, boys?" | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
Seven-year-old said, "Packet of tampons, please." | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
Chemist said, "Pardon?" | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
He said, "Packet of tampons, please." | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
Chemist said, "Do you know what these are for?" | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
He said, "Well, no, not really | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
"but we saw the advert on the telly last night and apparently with these | 0:09:44 | 0:09:48 | |
"you can ride a bike and swim and at the moment he can't do any of them." | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
What does a Manchester girl use for protection when she's having sex? | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
A bus shelter. | 0:09:58 | 0:09:59 | |
I walked into a tailor's in Liverpool cos I had a few quid | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
and I said, "Where's the cheapest suit in the shop?" | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
The fella said, "You're wearing it." | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
Jimmy's wife said to him, | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
and she's pregnant, she said, "You know what? I fancy something. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
"I just feel like some snails." | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
He said, "Where am I going to get some snails from?" | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
She said, "Go down the market, they sell them there." | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
So he went down the market. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
He said to the fishmonger, "Do you sell snails?" | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
And the fella said, "Yeah, we sell them in jells." | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
He said, "Give us two jells of snails, will you?" | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
He put them in a brown paper bag. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
And as he's walking out the market he hears a voice saying, | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
"All right, Jimmy?" | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
He looks round and one of his mates said, | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
"We've been talking about you for ages. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
"All the lads are down the pub. Come and have word with them. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
"Won't take long." | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
So he said, "Nah, can't, I've got to get this back to the Mrs." | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
He said, "Come on, for five minutes, have one." | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
Five hours later, he's walking up the pathway. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
And he catches the brown bag on the roses | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
and all the snails fell on the floor. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
And then the door opens and she's standing there like that. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:07 | |
And he looked at her and looked at the snails and went, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
"Come on, lads, not far to go now." | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
Lord Derby had great difficulty | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
when he wanted to open a wonderful safari park. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
They sent an inspector down from London that put every | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
difficulty in his way. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:28 | |
He said, "What about tigers?" | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
Lord Derby said, "We have vets with Taser guns." | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
"He said, "What about stampede?" | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
"He said, "We have electrified fence all round the park | 0:11:38 | 0:11:42 | |
"and the gates are automatic." | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
He said, "Well, what if one of these big, life-size baboons climbed | 0:11:45 | 0:11:51 | |
"over the gate and got loose amongst the people, the Scousers?" He said, | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
"He'll just have to take his life in his hands like everybody else." | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
Tiger Woods was at Royal Birkdale. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
And all the crowd are round, obviously, | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
the name Tiger Woods, he's very popular. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
And there's a little Scouser standing there | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
with his hands in his pockets. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
And Tiger's teed the ball up. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
And next thing you hear, "And Tiger Woods on the tee." | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
So all the signs go up - "Quiet please". | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Addresses the ball. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
Hits it and shanks it right to the right and everyone gasps. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
And then it's total silence. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
And this little Scouser just went... | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
HE TUTS | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
HE EXHALES | 0:12:41 | 0:12:42 | |
And it put Tiger right off. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Every shot, he's hitting it into the rough, all the way round, | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
and after nine holes he packs it in. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
And he calls over to this bloke. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
He says, "Excuse me, sir, do you know about the game of golf?" | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
He said, "Have you ever played it?" | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
He said, "Would you like to come and have a go on the par 3?" | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
"Yeah, I don't mind." So he takes him over. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
Gives him a few tips on how to address the ball | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
and how to hold the club. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:06 | |
He said, "What do I do now?" He said, "Hit the ball down there." | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
Without a practice shot... | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
Whoof! | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
Right down the middle. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
So they're walking up and as they get to the tee, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
tiger takes his hat off and scratches his head. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
Can't believe it. The ball's three inches from the pin. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
So the Scouser says, "What do I do now?" | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
He said, "You put it in the hole." | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
He said, "Why didn't you say that back there?" | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
Anyway, the other day my wife said to me, "I'd like a boob job. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
"I'd like a set of bigger boobs." | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
I said, "Oh, go away, we can't afford that." | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
She says, "Well, what do you suggest?" I said, | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
"Well, why not rub toilet tissue up and down your cleavage twice a day?" | 0:13:45 | 0:13:50 | |
She said, "Will that work?" I said, "Well, it did for your arse." | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
Sorry! | 0:13:56 | 0:13:57 | |
Doctor takes a practice in munchkin land. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
End of the rainbow. And this little munchkin comes in. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:08 | |
And he says to the doctor, | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
"Can I come to you for treatment?" And the doctor says, | 0:14:10 | 0:14:14 | |
"Yeah, but you'll just have to be a little patient." And, uh... | 0:14:14 | 0:14:18 | |
Next one comes in is a toad. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
And he says, "I hope you're not going to croak on me." | 0:14:25 | 0:14:29 | |
And the toad says, | 0:14:29 | 0:14:30 | |
"No, I've come to tell you that my penis has turned yellow." | 0:14:30 | 0:14:36 | |
So he says, "I've never seen a toad with a yellow penis before. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
"You'll just have to go to the Wizard of Oz. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
"He might be able to cure you." | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
So off the toad goes. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
And the next one to come in is a fairy | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
with pink spots all over her face and he says, | 0:14:52 | 0:14:56 | |
"I can't help you, either. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
"I've never seen a fairy with pink spots." | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
He says, "You'll just have to go and see the Wizard of Oz, too." | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
And the fairy said, "Where's he?" | 0:15:05 | 0:15:06 | |
And the doctor says, "Oh, just follow the yellow brick toad." | 0:15:07 | 0:15:12 | |
Old fella lives next door to me and he knocked on our house last week. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
He said, "Hi, Freda, when you decorated your living room | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
"how many rolls of wallpaper did you get?" | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
I said, "I got nine." He said, "Oh, that's good. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
"I was thinking of doing my own this week, you know?" | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
I said, "Fair enough." | 0:15:31 | 0:15:32 | |
So away he goes and gets the nine rolls of wallpaper | 0:15:32 | 0:15:36 | |
and he came back and he said, | 0:15:36 | 0:15:37 | |
"Freda, I got the nine rolls of wallpaper | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
"but it didn't take nine, I've got three over." I said, "So have I." | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
Oh, Liverpool. Lovely people. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
Prostitute goes to the doctor's. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
She says, "I think I'm pregnant." | 0:15:53 | 0:15:54 | |
Doctor said, "Do you know who the father is?" | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
She said, "I'm not being funny, doctor, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
"but if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?" | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
I was lying in bed with the wife the other week. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
There was a knock on the front door. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:09 | |
And she said, "I wonder who that is." Well, | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
that's kind of wife speak for, "Get up and answer the door." | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
So I went downstairs, answered the door. It's a fella outside. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
He said, "Any chance of a push?" | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
So I said, "It's half past two in the morning." | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
I said, "Go away." Or words to that effect, you know? | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
And went back to bed. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:28 | |
So I got into bed and the wife said, "Who was that?" | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
I said, "A fella looking for a push." | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
She said, "Don't you feel guilty?" I said, "Guilty about what?" | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
She said, "Remember when we were out of town a couple of months ago | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
"and we broke down, ran out of petrol? | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
"And this fella, perfect stranger, | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
"he gave us a push to the petrol station." | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
OK. So I went downstairs again, opened the front door. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
Shouted out, "Are you still there?" He said, "Yeah." | 0:16:51 | 0:16:55 | |
I said, "You still need a push?" He said, "Yeah." | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I said, "Where are you?" | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
He said, "I'm over here on your garden swing." | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
I want to tell you about the Scouse lad who emigrated to Australia | 0:17:06 | 0:17:12 | |
and bought a farm in the outback. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
He'd been there about a fortnight. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
And he gets a telephone call. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
He picks it up and he says, "Who's that?" | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
And this voice said, "Hello, I'm your next door neighbour." | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
He said, "Live on a farm 50 mile up the road | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
but I'm your nearest neighbour. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
Just heard that you moved in to Oz and I thought I'd ring you up | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
and welcome you to Oz and hope you enjoy your stay here." | 0:17:32 | 0:17:36 | |
So he said, "If everyone's as friendly as you I'm bound to." | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
"Ah, no worries. Listen, what you doing Saturday night?" So he said, | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
"I haven't got any plans for Saturday night." So he said, "How do you | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
"fancy coming over to my place for a real Australian barbie?" So he went, | 0:17:46 | 0:17:52 | |
"Lovely, thanks very much. About what time?" | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
So he said, "About 7.30." So he said, "OK. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
"Just as a matter of interest, what is a real Australian barbie?" | 0:17:57 | 0:18:01 | |
So he said, "Well, it's as much food as you can eat, | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
"as much of the amber nectar as you get down your throat, | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
"as much sex as you can manage." And he went, "I'll have some of that, OK. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:11 | |
"Any dress code?" | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
"Nah, dress how you like, it's only going to be the two of us." | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
A young married man who, failing to go home after work each night, | 0:18:24 | 0:18:28 | |
is having a liaison with his beautiful secretary in a hotel. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:33 | |
And one night when he's leaving the hotel, he discovers that the | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
beautiful secretary has planted a great big lovebite on his neck. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
Driving home he's thinking, "How am I going to explain this away?" | 0:18:40 | 0:18:45 | |
When he opens the door and walks down the hallway, | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
a great big friendly dog comes up and jumps on him. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Thinking instantly, | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
he grabs his neck and he falls to the floor and he shouts, | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
"Oh, God, you want to see what this dog's done to my neck!" | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
And she comes out and she says, | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
"You want to see what he's done to my tits." | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
Lollipop ladies, they make me cross. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
It was entertainment night for the old folks in the village hall. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:21 | |
And Claude, the hypnotist, | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
took to the stage. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:26 | |
And he explained what he was going to do. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to put you all into a trance. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:35 | |
"Each and every one of you." | 0:19:37 | 0:19:38 | |
And he put his hand into his coat pocket | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
and he pulled out this beautiful fob watch | 0:19:42 | 0:19:46 | |
on a silver chain. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
He said, "This has been in my family for over six generations. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
"And it does have a certain magic about it. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
"And what I'm going to do, I'm going to gently swing it backwards | 0:19:56 | 0:20:00 | |
"and forwards and I want you to watch. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
"Watch the watch. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
"Watch the watch." | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
And gradually the audience became mesmerised. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
And he makes his final swing and the chain broke. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:19 | |
And the watch went hurtling towards the floor | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
and smashed into hundreds of pieces. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
And he shouted, "Shit!" | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
He was never allowed back in again. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
A man walked into a pub with a giraffe. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
He ordered a drink for the two of them, | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
then the giraffe ordered a drink. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
And they were there all night and by that time they were bladdered. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
The giraffe ended up on the floor. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
So the fella said, "I've had enough, I'm going home." | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
The barman said, "Hey, mate, what's that lying there?" | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
He says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe." | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
Thank you. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:54 | |
Do you know what? I bought some nice new aftershave the other week. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
It smells like breadcrumbs but the birds love it. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
Fella goes to the doctor's, he goes, "Bit embarrassing this, doctor." | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
He said, "I'm a doctor, I've heard it all before. What is it?" | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
He said, "It's me motions." | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
He said, "What's up with your motions?" | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
He said, "Well, they're not like ordinary motions." | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
"He said, "What do you mean?" | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
He said, "They're like chips." | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
"Like chips?" | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
He said, "Yeah, I looked down the pan, | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
"it's like a load of burnt chips." | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
Doctor says, "Let's have a look at you, get undressed." | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
He gets undressed. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
He said, "All right, get dressed, there's nothing wrong with you." | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
He said, "Nothing physically wrong with you but when you get home | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
"ask your Mrs to chop six inches off the bottom of your strong vest." | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
Young Liverpool lad goes to a pet shop. | 0:21:58 | 0:21:59 | |
He says, "I've lost me Rottweiler, I need a pet. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
"I need a pet that befits my status in the community." | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
Guy says, "I've got just the thing for you. Come in the back. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
"I've got a budgie." He says, "A budgie?" | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
"Have a look, it's a Scouse budgie. It talks. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
"Go and have a look at it." Goes in the back. This budgie looks at him. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
Closes one eye and says, "I'm a Scouse budgie. Hard as nails. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
"No-one can beat me." He says, "I'll have it, I'll take it." | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
Takes it home. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:21 | |
Puts the cage on the mantelpiece, gets all his mates round. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
He says, "Look at this - me new pet." | 0:22:24 | 0:22:25 | |
"A Budgie? A budgie's your new pet?" | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
He said, "Listen to it. Go to the cage." They go to the cage. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
Look at it. The budgie says, "I'm a Scouse budgie, hard as nails. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:34 | |
"Nobody beats me." His mate says, "You've got to test this budgie out. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
"Stick another budgie in there, see what happens." He says, "I will." | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
Down the pet shop, "Want another budgie. I want to test me budgie out." | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
"No, you're OK, test your budgie out." | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Another budgie. Puts it in the cage. Budgie looks at it like that. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
Budgie looks at it like that. This goes on for an hour, this standoff. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
He gets fed up, puts the cover on it and goes to bed. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Gets up next morning, lifts the cover off - | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
the budgie's dead at the bottom of the cage. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
Scouse budgie looks at him and says, "Told you. Scouse budgie. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
"Hard as nails. Nothing beats me." Tells his mates. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:03 | |
His mate says, "You've got to test it a little bit more than that. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
"What's another budgie? Get something like a bird of prey." | 0:23:05 | 0:23:09 | |
Back to the pet shop. "Got any birds of prey?" | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
He said, "I've got a kestrel." | 0:23:11 | 0:23:12 | |
He said, "That'll do, I'll put that in with it." | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Takes the kestrel out, puts it in the cage. Same stand-off. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
Budgie, kestrel, looking at each other. Nothing happening. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
Puts the cover on it. Thinks, "I give up." Goes to bed. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
Gets up the next morning, takes the cover off. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
Budgie's there, kestrel's... claws up, bottom of the cage. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
Budgie leans over, closes one eye, says, "Told you. Scouse budgie. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
"Hard as nails. Nothing beats me." | 0:23:32 | 0:23:33 | |
He tells his mate. He said, "A kestrel? Get something really big." | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
He said, "Like what?" He said, "An owl." | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
He said, "Where will I get an owl from?" | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
He said, "Safari park. Get over the wall, nick one. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
"You'll get away with it." | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
Goes to the safari park, gets the owl, takes it back. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
The owl's massive, it's got big claws, big beak on it. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:51 | |
Shoves it in the cage. The budgie's like this... | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
Owl's like that. The stand-off continues about an hour and a half. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:58 | |
Nothing's happening. Puts the cover on, goes to bed. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
That night he hears a commotion going on downstairs. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
The cage is getting rattled around. He thinks, "I'm down." | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
He runs down, puts the lights on, whips the cover off the cage. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
The owl is at the bottom of the cage, dead. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
The budgie, on the perch, not a feather on it, bald as anything. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:17 | |
Leans across and says to him, | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
"Told you, I'm a Scouse budgie. Hard as nails. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
"But I had to take me coat off to that one." | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
This little lad's just sitting on the kerb outside Waltham Prison. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:31 | |
He's just playing round in the gutter and everything. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
Next thing, the big gates of Waltham Prison open up | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
and this fella comes out and he goes, | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
"I'm free! I'm free!" And the little lad goes, "Hey, Mr, I'm four." | 0:24:40 | 0:24:45 | |
There was this woman and she went to her doctor and she said, | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
"Listen, doc, I've got a bit of a problem on me women's bits." | 0:24:53 | 0:24:57 | |
She said, "They're all hanging down and they need tidying up a bit." | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
So the doctor said, "Not a problem." | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
She said, "The only thing is I want it to be confidential. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
"Don't want nobody to know about it." | 0:25:05 | 0:25:06 | |
Doctor said, "Nobody will know, don't worry." | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
So he does the operation, he tidies her all up. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
And when she wakes up there's three roses on her pillow. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
And she goes mad at the doctor. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
She goes, "Doctor, I thought you said you weren't going to tell anyone." | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
And the doctor said, "Don't worry. Look, the first rose is off me. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
"I knew you were having this operation on your own | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
"so I thought I'd just make sure you knew we were OK with you. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
She said, "That's nice, that. Thanks. Who's the second rose off?" | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
"He said, "That's off the nurse. She's had the same op. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
"And she knows what you're going through." | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
And the woman said, "That's lovely, that." | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
And she said, "Who's the third rose off?" | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
He said, "It's off the fella upstairs in the burns unit | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
"and he said thanks very much for the new ears." | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
A couple of kids, banter with each other, who can fight who | 0:25:53 | 0:25:57 | |
and everything else. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
And then he said, "I'll get me dad to batter you." | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
So he said, "My dad can fight your dad." He said, "No, he can't. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
"Cos my dad works in a brewery and he can pick up a barrel | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
"over his head and throw it onto the wagon." | 0:26:07 | 0:26:12 | |
And the other fella said, "My dad can eat candles." | 0:26:12 | 0:26:16 | |
"Oh, aye, have you seen him doing it?" | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
He went, "No, but every night I hear him saying to me mum, | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
"'Mary, blow the candles out, let's have a bit.'" | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
A husband in work recently, and his mate said to him, | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
"Going on holiday next week, do you want me to get you some ciggies?" | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
He went, "Oh, yeah, go on." | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
Went on holiday, come back. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:41 | |
He went, "Here you are, here are your ciggies." | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
And he went, "How much do I owe you?" He said, £540." And he went, | 0:26:43 | 0:26:48 | |
"£540? Where did you go?" He said, "Torquay." | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
We all have little phobias about our bits and pieces. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
We worry if they're sticking out or who can see the creases. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
One young lad asked his older mate, "How do I get the girls to look?" | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
His mate said, "There's a special trick, | 0:27:08 | 0:27:09 | |
"right here in my little black book. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
"If you want to make the girls all faint, | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
"get a spud that looks the part. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
"Shove it down your cozzie, lad. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
"And then the fun'll start." | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
The boy tried this without success. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
Girls thought it was a stunt. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
His mate said, "You're a silly boy, I meant put it down the front." | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 |