Some Scousers with Jokes Part 1 Some People with Jokes


Some Scousers with Jokes Part 1

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Fella goes to the doctors. He says, "I've got a problem down below."

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Doctor says, "What do you...?" He said, "You know, scrotum."

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He said, "Get undressed, let's have a look at you."

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He gets undressed, the doctor's weighing up the situation.

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He says, "Quite rare this, but you've got three testicles."

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Bloke says, "What?" He said...

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"Nothing to worry about, it's not life-threatening or anything but

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"you've got three testicles, it's quite uncommon."

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Fella said, "Am I going to be all right?"

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"Oh, aye, nothing to worry about."

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So he gets dressed, he walks down the road, quite relieved.

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He thinks, "If I use my head here, I could make a few bob out of this."

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So he goes in the nearest ale house.

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An old fella next time to him, leaning on the bar...

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gets a pint.

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He says, "All right, pop?" He says, "All right."

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He says, "Do you have a bet, pop?" He says,

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"Oh, aye, do the horses every day, do the pools every weekend.

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He says, "You don't fancy having a bet with me, do you?"

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He says, "Depends, like."

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He said, "I bet you a tenner that between us we've got

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"five testicles."

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The old fella says, "Are you soft or what?"

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"Tell you what,"

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he said, "Make it 20 quid, between us we've got five testicles."

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Old fella says, "All right, you're on."

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So they adjourn to the gents.

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The old fella drops his kecks, he says,

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"There's my one, where's your four?"

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There's a scouser on an airplane.

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And he's never flown before.

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He's going to America to see his cousin.

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He's very excited about the whole thing, going to Heathrow

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and it's all thrilling for him.

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Gets on the plane and everybody's so nice to him

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and polite and the cabin crew, they can't do enough for him.

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He thinks it's wonderful, "What a wonderful way to travel."

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He doesn't realise but he's been seated next to

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an Evangelist preacher.

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Real fire and brimstone guy who's just been on a tour,

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Evangelist tour in the UK.

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And he's returning to America.

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Anyway, the flight gets under way.

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And a beautiful young lady comes round, cabin crew,

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she comes over with the trolley.

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And she says to the Scouser, "Would you care for a drink?"

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He says, "Oh, yeah, great. I'll have a whiskey."

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She said, "Certainly, sir. With ice?" He said, "Yeah, yeah, great."

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Puts the drink on the tray with ice.

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Hands it to him.

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And she says to the Evangelist preacher,

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"Sir, would you like a drink?"

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He said, "Young lady,

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"I would rather fornicate with the whore of Babylon than drink alcohol."

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So the Scouser put his drink back on the tray.

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He said, "I didn't know there was a choice, I'll have the same as him."

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Me daughter's a school teacher.

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Primary school kids.

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And just before they broke up,

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in the morning, little Jimmy come in late, about quarter to ten.

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And she said, "Where have you been, Jimmy?"

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He said, "Me granddad got burned."

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She said, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Was it bad?"

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He said, "Well, they don't mess about at the crematorium, do they?"

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Three tortoises decide to go out on a picnic - Jim, Ray and Alan.

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They go out, takes them ten days to get there on this ten mile...

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They get to the picnic, gets the sandwiches out, gets the drinks out.

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Goes to have a drink - no bottle opener.

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So Jim and Ray say to Alan,

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"Go back and get the bottle opener."

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He went, "No, I'm not going back."

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"Go on, we'll wait for you to come back, we won't eat the picnic.

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"We'll wait for you, promise."

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"Are you sure now?" He said, "Yeah." So off Alan goes.

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Ten days go.

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Ray and Jim are like,

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"Wonder where he is." No sign of him.

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Another ten days go by. "Starving here.

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"Wonder where he is." Looking round.

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Five days go past and Jim goes,

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"Sack this, I'm not waiting no more, I'm starving." And started eating.

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Next thing, Alan jumps out from behind a rock and goes,

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"I knew you'd start without me!"

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It's 1775 and Captain Jack with his Scouse crew has been charged

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with bringing a tonne of gold from Durban, South Africa to Liverpool.

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Word gets round the clubs in Durban that there's a few bob to be made

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for an enterprising pirate.

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Two days out of Durban,

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someone up in the crow's nest shouts,

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"Pirate ship on the port bow!"

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Captain Jack leaps up on the deck.

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Musters his crew.

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And shouts, "Bring forth my bright red shirt!"

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The bosun brings the shirt, puts it on him.

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And as the pirate ships draw close,

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a fierce battle rages.

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Captain Jack leads from the front with his cutlass and his pistol

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and his knife.

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And after two hours the pirates are repelled.

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Four days out of Durban.

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Someone up in the crow's nest shouts,

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"Pirate ship on the port bow!"

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Captain Jack leaps forward onto the deck.

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He musters his crew and shouts,

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"Bring forth my bright red shirt!"

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The bosun brings his shirt and puts it on.

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The men line up.

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A fierce battle rages and Captain Jack leads from the front,

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stabbing and shooting and knifing everybody.

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And after two hours the pirates are repelled.

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All the men are lying on the deck recovering from the battle.

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Tending their wounds. One crew member says to the other one,

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"Excuse me, how is it, every time there's a fight,

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"Captain Jack puts this red shirt on?"

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"Ah," his friend says,

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"the reason is, as you've noticed, Captain Jack leads from the front.

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"He wants everybody to be a big fighter like him.

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"And he wears the red shirt so if he gets injured or stabbed

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"you will not see the blood and you won't get disheartened

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"and fail and you will win the day like you did today."

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He said, "Crikey, that's very clever."

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Six days out of Durban.

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There's a shout from the crow's nest,

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"Five pirate ships on the port bow!"

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Captain Jack leaps on the deck.

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"How many?" He said, "Five pirate ships."

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Captain Jack shouts, "Bring forth my brown trousers."

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Old woman has two monkeys and they die and she's dead upset.

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And her mate says, "Why don't you take them to the taxidermist?"

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And she says, "Oh, that's a good idea."

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Takes them to the taxidermist.

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She says, "I want them stuffed." He says, "Do you want them mounting?"

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She says, "Oh, no, just holding hands will do."

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A mate of mine bought a house in Childwall.

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Childwall was the posh part of Liverpool before they built Garston.

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Moved into the house and a neighbour came to see how he was getting on.

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He said, "Everything all right?" He said, "The house is fine

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"but I can't stand that privet hedge at the front of the garden."

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He said, "That's coming out."

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He said, "You can't do anything about that." He said, "Why not?"

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He said, "It's got a preservation order on it, it's a

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"protected species. You've got to leave that in."

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He says, "Oh, it's coming out, no messing." And out it went.

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A week later there's a knock on the door - council officer.

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"Where's the hedge gone?" He says, "I've taken it out."

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"Protected species." He says, "I don't bloody care, it's gone."

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He said, "Here."

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"Magistrate's court the following week."

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Goes up in front of the magistrate, magistrate says,

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"We can't have any of this, you're damaging the environment.

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He said, "You go to prison for six weeks."

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Went off to Waltham.

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Got in his cell.

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He sat there and this big fella, six foot 12,

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built like a brick outhouse, comes in.

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"You're my new cell-mate, are you?" "Yes."

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"How long are you in for?" He said, "Six weeks."

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He said, "What for?"

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He said, "I pulled down a privet hedge that was protected.

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"How long are you in for?" He said, "15 years."

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He said, "What for?" He said, "Rape."

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He said, "You must have had acres of it!"

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You know, it's useful now, I don't know whether you're aware,

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you can call in to the chemist now for medical advice on,

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you know, routine minor matters.

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I called in our local chemist.

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I said, "Have you got a cure for hiccups?"

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He went like that - whack! Hit me straight in the face.

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I said, "What did you do that for?"

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He said, "Sudden shock cures hiccups."

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He says, "You haven't got hiccups any more, have you?"

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I said, "I never had hiccups,

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"it's the wife in the car who's got the hiccups."

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I said, "While I'm here, I'd like a comb."

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He said, "Do you want a steel one?" I said, "No, I'll buy it."

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He was getting a bit cheeky.

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Just then two little lads came in.

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One's about seven, the other's about four.

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Chemist says, "What do you want, boys?"

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Seven-year-old said, "Packet of tampons, please."

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Chemist said, "Pardon?"

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He said, "Packet of tampons, please."

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Chemist said, "Do you know what these are for?"

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He said, "Well, no, not really

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"but we saw the advert on the telly last night and apparently with these

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"you can ride a bike and swim and at the moment he can't do any of them."

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What does a Manchester girl use for protection when she's having sex?

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A bus shelter.

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I walked into a tailor's in Liverpool cos I had a few quid

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and I said, "Where's the cheapest suit in the shop?"

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The fella said, "You're wearing it."

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Jimmy's wife said to him,

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and she's pregnant, she said, "You know what? I fancy something.

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"I just feel like some snails."

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He said, "Where am I going to get some snails from?"

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She said, "Go down the market, they sell them there."

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So he went down the market.

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He said to the fishmonger, "Do you sell snails?"

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And the fella said, "Yeah, we sell them in jells."

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He said, "Give us two jells of snails, will you?"

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He put them in a brown paper bag.

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And as he's walking out the market he hears a voice saying,

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"All right, Jimmy?"

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He looks round and one of his mates said,

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"We've been talking about you for ages.

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"All the lads are down the pub. Come and have word with them.

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"Won't take long."

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So he said, "Nah, can't, I've got to get this back to the Mrs."

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He said, "Come on, for five minutes, have one."

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Five hours later, he's walking up the pathway.

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And he catches the brown bag on the roses

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and all the snails fell on the floor.

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And then the door opens and she's standing there like that.

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And he looked at her and looked at the snails and went,

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"Come on, lads, not far to go now."

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Lord Derby had great difficulty

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when he wanted to open a wonderful safari park.

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They sent an inspector down from London that put every

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difficulty in his way.

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He said, "What about tigers?"

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Lord Derby said, "We have vets with Taser guns."

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"He said, "What about stampede?"

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"He said, "We have electrified fence all round the park

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"and the gates are automatic."

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He said, "Well, what if one of these big, life-size baboons climbed

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"over the gate and got loose amongst the people, the Scousers?" He said,

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"He'll just have to take his life in his hands like everybody else."

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Tiger Woods was at Royal Birkdale.

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And all the crowd are round, obviously,

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the name Tiger Woods, he's very popular.

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And there's a little Scouser standing there

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with his hands in his pockets.

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And Tiger's teed the ball up.

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And next thing you hear, "And Tiger Woods on the tee."

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So all the signs go up - "Quiet please".

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Addresses the ball.

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Hits it and shanks it right to the right and everyone gasps.

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And then it's total silence.

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And this little Scouser just went...

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HE TUTS

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HE EXHALES

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And it put Tiger right off.

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Every shot, he's hitting it into the rough, all the way round,

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and after nine holes he packs it in.

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And he calls over to this bloke.

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He says, "Excuse me, sir, do you know about the game of golf?"

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He said, "Have you ever played it?"

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He said, "Would you like to come and have a go on the par 3?"

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"Yeah, I don't mind." So he takes him over.

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Gives him a few tips on how to address the ball

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and how to hold the club.

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He said, "What do I do now?" He said, "Hit the ball down there."

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Without a practice shot...

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Whoof!

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Right down the middle.

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So they're walking up and as they get to the tee,

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tiger takes his hat off and scratches his head.

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Can't believe it. The ball's three inches from the pin.

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So the Scouser says, "What do I do now?"

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He said, "You put it in the hole."

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He said, "Why didn't you say that back there?"

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Anyway, the other day my wife said to me, "I'd like a boob job.

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"I'd like a set of bigger boobs."

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I said, "Oh, go away, we can't afford that."

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She says, "Well, what do you suggest?" I said,

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"Well, why not rub toilet tissue up and down your cleavage twice a day?"

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She said, "Will that work?" I said, "Well, it did for your arse."

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Sorry!

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Doctor takes a practice in munchkin land.

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End of the rainbow. And this little munchkin comes in.

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And he says to the doctor,

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"Can I come to you for treatment?" And the doctor says,

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"Yeah, but you'll just have to be a little patient." And, uh...

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Next one comes in is a toad.

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And he says, "I hope you're not going to croak on me."

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And the toad says,

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"No, I've come to tell you that my penis has turned yellow."

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So he says, "I've never seen a toad with a yellow penis before.

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"You'll just have to go to the Wizard of Oz.

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"He might be able to cure you."

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So off the toad goes.

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And the next one to come in is a fairy

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with pink spots all over her face and he says,

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"I can't help you, either.

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"I've never seen a fairy with pink spots."

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He says, "You'll just have to go and see the Wizard of Oz, too."

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And the fairy said, "Where's he?"

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And the doctor says, "Oh, just follow the yellow brick toad."

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Old fella lives next door to me and he knocked on our house last week.

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He said, "Hi, Freda, when you decorated your living room

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"how many rolls of wallpaper did you get?"

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I said, "I got nine." He said, "Oh, that's good.

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"I was thinking of doing my own this week, you know?"

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I said, "Fair enough."

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So away he goes and gets the nine rolls of wallpaper

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and he came back and he said,

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"Freda, I got the nine rolls of wallpaper

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"but it didn't take nine, I've got three over." I said, "So have I."

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Oh, Liverpool. Lovely people.

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Prostitute goes to the doctor's.

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She says, "I think I'm pregnant."

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Doctor said, "Do you know who the father is?"

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She said, "I'm not being funny, doctor,

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"but if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

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I was lying in bed with the wife the other week.

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There was a knock on the front door.

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And she said, "I wonder who that is." Well,

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that's kind of wife speak for, "Get up and answer the door."

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So I went downstairs, answered the door. It's a fella outside.

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He said, "Any chance of a push?"

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So I said, "It's half past two in the morning."

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I said, "Go away." Or words to that effect, you know?

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And went back to bed.

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So I got into bed and the wife said, "Who was that?"

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I said, "A fella looking for a push."

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She said, "Don't you feel guilty?" I said, "Guilty about what?"

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She said, "Remember when we were out of town a couple of months ago

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"and we broke down, ran out of petrol?

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"And this fella, perfect stranger,

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"he gave us a push to the petrol station."

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OK. So I went downstairs again, opened the front door.

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Shouted out, "Are you still there?" He said, "Yeah."

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I said, "You still need a push?" He said, "Yeah."

0:16:550:16:57

I said, "Where are you?"

0:16:570:16:59

He said, "I'm over here on your garden swing."

0:16:590:17:01

I want to tell you about the Scouse lad who emigrated to Australia

0:17:060:17:12

and bought a farm in the outback.

0:17:120:17:14

He'd been there about a fortnight.

0:17:150:17:17

And he gets a telephone call.

0:17:170:17:19

He picks it up and he says, "Who's that?"

0:17:190:17:21

And this voice said, "Hello, I'm your next door neighbour."

0:17:210:17:24

He said, "Live on a farm 50 mile up the road

0:17:240:17:27

but I'm your nearest neighbour.

0:17:270:17:29

Just heard that you moved in to Oz and I thought I'd ring you up

0:17:290:17:32

and welcome you to Oz and hope you enjoy your stay here."

0:17:320:17:36

So he said, "If everyone's as friendly as you I'm bound to."

0:17:360:17:39

"Ah, no worries. Listen, what you doing Saturday night?" So he said,

0:17:390:17:43

"I haven't got any plans for Saturday night." So he said, "How do you

0:17:430:17:46

"fancy coming over to my place for a real Australian barbie?" So he went,

0:17:460:17:52

"Lovely, thanks very much. About what time?"

0:17:520:17:54

So he said, "About 7.30." So he said, "OK.

0:17:540:17:57

"Just as a matter of interest, what is a real Australian barbie?"

0:17:570:18:01

So he said, "Well, it's as much food as you can eat,

0:18:010:18:04

"as much of the amber nectar as you get down your throat,

0:18:040:18:07

"as much sex as you can manage." And he went, "I'll have some of that, OK.

0:18:070:18:11

"Any dress code?"

0:18:110:18:13

"Nah, dress how you like, it's only going to be the two of us."

0:18:130:18:16

A young married man who, failing to go home after work each night,

0:18:240:18:28

is having a liaison with his beautiful secretary in a hotel.

0:18:280:18:33

And one night when he's leaving the hotel, he discovers that the

0:18:330:18:36

beautiful secretary has planted a great big lovebite on his neck.

0:18:360:18:40

Driving home he's thinking, "How am I going to explain this away?"

0:18:400:18:45

When he opens the door and walks down the hallway,

0:18:450:18:48

a great big friendly dog comes up and jumps on him.

0:18:480:18:51

Thinking instantly,

0:18:510:18:52

he grabs his neck and he falls to the floor and he shouts,

0:18:520:18:55

"Oh, God, you want to see what this dog's done to my neck!"

0:18:550:18:59

And she comes out and she says,

0:18:590:19:01

"You want to see what he's done to my tits."

0:19:010:19:03

Lollipop ladies, they make me cross.

0:19:120:19:14

It was entertainment night for the old folks in the village hall.

0:19:170:19:21

And Claude, the hypnotist,

0:19:230:19:25

took to the stage.

0:19:250:19:26

And he explained what he was going to do.

0:19:280:19:30

He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to put you all into a trance.

0:19:300:19:35

"Each and every one of you."

0:19:370:19:38

And he put his hand into his coat pocket

0:19:400:19:42

and he pulled out this beautiful fob watch

0:19:420:19:46

on a silver chain.

0:19:460:19:49

He said, "This has been in my family for over six generations.

0:19:490:19:52

"And it does have a certain magic about it.

0:19:530:19:56

"And what I'm going to do, I'm going to gently swing it backwards

0:19:560:20:00

"and forwards and I want you to watch.

0:20:000:20:02

"Watch the watch.

0:20:040:20:07

"Watch the watch."

0:20:070:20:09

And gradually the audience became mesmerised.

0:20:090:20:12

And he makes his final swing and the chain broke.

0:20:130:20:19

And the watch went hurtling towards the floor

0:20:190:20:21

and smashed into hundreds of pieces.

0:20:210:20:23

And he shouted, "Shit!"

0:20:230:20:25

He was never allowed back in again.

0:20:250:20:27

A man walked into a pub with a giraffe.

0:20:330:20:35

He ordered a drink for the two of them,

0:20:350:20:37

then the giraffe ordered a drink.

0:20:370:20:39

And they were there all night and by that time they were bladdered.

0:20:390:20:42

The giraffe ended up on the floor.

0:20:420:20:44

So the fella said, "I've had enough, I'm going home."

0:20:440:20:46

The barman said, "Hey, mate, what's that lying there?"

0:20:460:20:49

He says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

0:20:490:20:51

Thank you.

0:20:530:20:54

Do you know what? I bought some nice new aftershave the other week.

0:20:540:20:58

It smells like breadcrumbs but the birds love it.

0:20:580:21:01

Fella goes to the doctor's, he goes, "Bit embarrassing this, doctor."

0:21:040:21:07

He said, "I'm a doctor, I've heard it all before. What is it?"

0:21:090:21:12

He said, "It's me motions."

0:21:120:21:14

He said, "What's up with your motions?"

0:21:150:21:17

He said, "Well, they're not like ordinary motions."

0:21:170:21:20

"He said, "What do you mean?"

0:21:220:21:24

He said, "They're like chips."

0:21:240:21:26

"Like chips?"

0:21:260:21:28

He said, "Yeah, I looked down the pan,

0:21:280:21:30

"it's like a load of burnt chips."

0:21:300:21:33

Doctor says, "Let's have a look at you, get undressed."

0:21:360:21:38

He gets undressed.

0:21:380:21:40

He said, "All right, get dressed, there's nothing wrong with you."

0:21:400:21:43

He said, "Nothing physically wrong with you but when you get home

0:21:430:21:46

"ask your Mrs to chop six inches off the bottom of your strong vest."

0:21:460:21:49

Young Liverpool lad goes to a pet shop.

0:21:580:21:59

He says, "I've lost me Rottweiler, I need a pet.

0:21:590:22:02

"I need a pet that befits my status in the community."

0:22:020:22:04

Guy says, "I've got just the thing for you. Come in the back.

0:22:040:22:07

"I've got a budgie." He says, "A budgie?"

0:22:070:22:09

"Have a look, it's a Scouse budgie. It talks.

0:22:090:22:11

"Go and have a look at it." Goes in the back. This budgie looks at him.

0:22:110:22:14

Closes one eye and says, "I'm a Scouse budgie. Hard as nails.

0:22:140:22:17

"No-one can beat me." He says, "I'll have it, I'll take it."

0:22:170:22:20

Takes it home.

0:22:200:22:21

Puts the cage on the mantelpiece, gets all his mates round.

0:22:210:22:24

He says, "Look at this - me new pet."

0:22:240:22:25

"A Budgie? A budgie's your new pet?"

0:22:250:22:27

He said, "Listen to it. Go to the cage." They go to the cage.

0:22:270:22:30

Look at it. The budgie says, "I'm a Scouse budgie, hard as nails.

0:22:300:22:34

"Nobody beats me." His mate says, "You've got to test this budgie out.

0:22:340:22:37

"Stick another budgie in there, see what happens." He says, "I will."

0:22:370:22:40

Down the pet shop, "Want another budgie. I want to test me budgie out."

0:22:400:22:43

"No, you're OK, test your budgie out."

0:22:430:22:45

Another budgie. Puts it in the cage. Budgie looks at it like that.

0:22:450:22:48

Budgie looks at it like that. This goes on for an hour, this standoff.

0:22:480:22:51

He gets fed up, puts the cover on it and goes to bed.

0:22:510:22:53

Gets up next morning, lifts the cover off -

0:22:530:22:55

the budgie's dead at the bottom of the cage.

0:22:550:22:57

Scouse budgie looks at him and says, "Told you. Scouse budgie.

0:22:570:22:59

"Hard as nails. Nothing beats me." Tells his mates.

0:22:590:23:03

His mate says, "You've got to test it a little bit more than that.

0:23:030:23:05

"What's another budgie? Get something like a bird of prey."

0:23:050:23:09

Back to the pet shop. "Got any birds of prey?"

0:23:090:23:11

He said, "I've got a kestrel."

0:23:110:23:12

He said, "That'll do, I'll put that in with it."

0:23:120:23:14

Takes the kestrel out, puts it in the cage. Same stand-off.

0:23:140:23:17

Budgie, kestrel, looking at each other. Nothing happening.

0:23:170:23:20

Puts the cover on it. Thinks, "I give up." Goes to bed.

0:23:200:23:23

Gets up the next morning, takes the cover off.

0:23:230:23:25

Budgie's there, kestrel's... claws up, bottom of the cage.

0:23:250:23:28

Budgie leans over, closes one eye, says, "Told you. Scouse budgie.

0:23:280:23:32

"Hard as nails. Nothing beats me."

0:23:320:23:33

He tells his mate. He said, "A kestrel? Get something really big."

0:23:350:23:38

He said, "Like what?" He said, "An owl."

0:23:380:23:40

He said, "Where will I get an owl from?"

0:23:400:23:42

He said, "Safari park. Get over the wall, nick one.

0:23:420:23:44

"You'll get away with it."

0:23:440:23:46

Goes to the safari park, gets the owl, takes it back.

0:23:460:23:48

The owl's massive, it's got big claws, big beak on it.

0:23:480:23:51

Shoves it in the cage. The budgie's like this...

0:23:510:23:54

Owl's like that. The stand-off continues about an hour and a half.

0:23:540:23:58

Nothing's happening. Puts the cover on, goes to bed.

0:23:580:24:00

That night he hears a commotion going on downstairs.

0:24:000:24:03

The cage is getting rattled around. He thinks, "I'm down."

0:24:030:24:06

He runs down, puts the lights on, whips the cover off the cage.

0:24:060:24:10

The owl is at the bottom of the cage, dead.

0:24:100:24:12

The budgie, on the perch, not a feather on it, bald as anything.

0:24:120:24:17

Leans across and says to him,

0:24:170:24:19

"Told you, I'm a Scouse budgie. Hard as nails.

0:24:190:24:21

"But I had to take me coat off to that one."

0:24:210:24:23

This little lad's just sitting on the kerb outside Waltham Prison.

0:24:270:24:31

He's just playing round in the gutter and everything.

0:24:310:24:33

Next thing, the big gates of Waltham Prison open up

0:24:330:24:37

and this fella comes out and he goes,

0:24:370:24:40

"I'm free! I'm free!" And the little lad goes, "Hey, Mr, I'm four."

0:24:400:24:45

There was this woman and she went to her doctor and she said,

0:24:500:24:53

"Listen, doc, I've got a bit of a problem on me women's bits."

0:24:530:24:57

She said, "They're all hanging down and they need tidying up a bit."

0:24:570:25:00

So the doctor said, "Not a problem."

0:25:000:25:02

She said, "The only thing is I want it to be confidential.

0:25:020:25:05

"Don't want nobody to know about it."

0:25:050:25:06

Doctor said, "Nobody will know, don't worry."

0:25:060:25:08

So he does the operation, he tidies her all up.

0:25:080:25:11

And when she wakes up there's three roses on her pillow.

0:25:110:25:14

And she goes mad at the doctor.

0:25:140:25:16

She goes, "Doctor, I thought you said you weren't going to tell anyone."

0:25:160:25:19

And the doctor said, "Don't worry. Look, the first rose is off me.

0:25:190:25:22

"I knew you were having this operation on your own

0:25:220:25:25

"so I thought I'd just make sure you knew we were OK with you.

0:25:250:25:28

She said, "That's nice, that. Thanks. Who's the second rose off?"

0:25:280:25:32

"He said, "That's off the nurse. She's had the same op.

0:25:320:25:35

"And she knows what you're going through."

0:25:350:25:37

And the woman said, "That's lovely, that."

0:25:370:25:40

And she said, "Who's the third rose off?"

0:25:400:25:42

He said, "It's off the fella upstairs in the burns unit

0:25:420:25:44

"and he said thanks very much for the new ears."

0:25:440:25:47

A couple of kids, banter with each other, who can fight who

0:25:530:25:57

and everything else.

0:25:570:25:58

And then he said, "I'll get me dad to batter you."

0:25:580:26:01

So he said, "My dad can fight your dad." He said, "No, he can't.

0:26:010:26:03

"Cos my dad works in a brewery and he can pick up a barrel

0:26:040:26:07

"over his head and throw it onto the wagon."

0:26:070:26:12

And the other fella said, "My dad can eat candles."

0:26:120:26:16

"Oh, aye, have you seen him doing it?"

0:26:160:26:18

He went, "No, but every night I hear him saying to me mum,

0:26:180:26:21

"'Mary, blow the candles out, let's have a bit.'"

0:26:210:26:24

A husband in work recently, and his mate said to him,

0:26:310:26:35

"Going on holiday next week, do you want me to get you some ciggies?"

0:26:350:26:38

He went, "Oh, yeah, go on."

0:26:380:26:40

Went on holiday, come back.

0:26:400:26:41

He went, "Here you are, here are your ciggies."

0:26:410:26:43

And he went, "How much do I owe you?" He said, £540." And he went,

0:26:430:26:48

"£540? Where did you go?" He said, "Torquay."

0:26:480:26:51

We all have little phobias about our bits and pieces.

0:26:580:27:01

We worry if they're sticking out or who can see the creases.

0:27:010:27:04

One young lad asked his older mate, "How do I get the girls to look?"

0:27:040:27:08

His mate said, "There's a special trick,

0:27:080:27:09

"right here in my little black book.

0:27:090:27:11

"If you want to make the girls all faint,

0:27:110:27:13

"get a spud that looks the part.

0:27:130:27:16

"Shove it down your cozzie, lad.

0:27:160:27:18

"And then the fun'll start."

0:27:180:27:20

The boy tried this without success.

0:27:200:27:23

Girls thought it was a stunt.

0:27:230:27:25

His mate said, "You're a silly boy, I meant put it down the front."

0:27:250:27:28

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0:27:320:27:34

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