Some Vicars with Jokes Part 2 Some People with Jokes

Three little bairns were walking home from their primary school

in Jarrow. They'd just had a nature lesson and on the pavement in front

of them, lo and behold, there was a dead spuggie.

So they thought, right, we'd better do something about this

so they dug this hole to put the dead spuggie into.

Then they says,

"Listen, I've seen this sort of thing on television.

"Shouldn't we say something nice over the dead bird?"

And so they pondered and said, "Hey, Jenny, your father is a vicar.

"Do you know anything clever?"

She says, "Oh, there's only one thing I know

"and it goes something like this - In the name of the Father,

"in the name of the Son and into the hole he goes."

LAUGHTER

That was the quickie to warm me up.

There were two priests who decided they'd go on holiday together

and so they decided they'd go to the Costa Del Sol.

They got on their flight and they arrived at the other end

and they saw everybody was dressed in holiday clothes.

They said, "We'll stand out like a sore thumb.

"Let's go into a department store and buy ourselves some holiday clothes."

So they went in, they got a nice open-necked shirt

and a light-coloured pair of trousers and off they went.

Next day, they lounged on the beach in those loungers, you know.

And along the beach,

after a little while came the most gorgeous blonde, topless,

breasts swinging gently as she sauntered up the beach,

and blonde hair.

She stopped right at the end of these two loungers and said,

"Good morning, Father, and good morning, Father."

Well, the two priests were gobsmacked.

She went off down the beach.

"We can't possibly be dressed right.

"She must have recognised that we are ordained.

"We'll go back to that shop and get something a little more informal."

So they came out, Bermuda shorts, highly-coloured floral T-shirt

and a sun hat with a floppy brim.

Next day, lounging on the beach,

the same girl came walking up the beach,

stopped right at the end of these loungers and said,

"Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father."

They absolutely couldn't believe it.

They said to her,

"How do you know that we're ordained and that we're priests?"

She said, "Don't you recognise me, Father? It's Sister Mary Jane."

LAUGHTER

This woman is pregnant and she's off to hospital to have the baby

but unfortunately, on the way there,

she's involved in a traffic incident and goes into a coma.

It's very sad, but anyway, she didn't wake up

until six months later when both the children had been born.

When she woke, she was told that she had got twins, in fact.

She said, "Oh, I'd better name them then."

And the surgeon says, "No, you don't have to name them

"because your brother has already given them a name."

"Oh no," she said, "My brother's a total idiot. What's he called them?"

He said, "Well, he's called the girl Denise."

"Well, she says, that's not bad.

"It's a pretty sensible name for a girl.

"So what's he called the boy?"

"Denephew".

LAUGHTER

There was this man.

He was absolutely convinced that his wife was having an affair

and he noticed one morning, this went on for some time,

she was looking absolutely gorgeous

so he thought, right, I'm going to have you.

So off he went to work.

He said cheerio and he waited about half an hour

and then he stormed back into the house.

"Where is he?" he said. "Where is he?"

"Who?" She said.

"You know who I mean. That man you're having an affair with.

"Where is he?" She said, "There's nobody here."

He tore around the house, he opened the cupboards,

he looked under the beds.

He's getting madder and madder. "Where is he?" he said.

And then he glanced out the kitchen window

and he saw this man hurrying away.

He was furious.

He picked up the fridge,

he opened the window and he threw the fridge out of the window.

Next minute, he had a heart attack, dropped down dead.

He's walking up the road to heaven.

There's St Peter at the gate and St Peter said,

"What happened to you?"

He said, "I was convinced my wife was having an affair

"and I was so angry. I saw this man rushing away from my house,

"I picked up the fridge, I threw it out and here I am."

He said, "I'm so sorry to hear that. Come into heaven."

Next minute, there's this guy coming up the road

and he's got a big hole in his head.

"What happened to you?"

He said, "Well, I was just hurrying along the road to work

"and suddenly a fridge came flying through the air and here I am."

So he said, "Well, I'm so sorry to hear that. Come on in to heaven."

And the next minute up the road comes this guy walking like this.

And he said, "What happened to you?"

And he said, "Well, I was in a fridge..."

LAUGHTER

"And here I am!"

This woman had a pair of parrots

and she didn't know which was the male and which was the female

and then her friend said, you know,

parrots always make love first thing in the morning,

so when you whip the cover off of the cage you look at them

and see which one is looking tired and worn out and that's the male.

So she did that and she whipped the cover off

and there was one that was obviously looking tired and worn out,

so she said, that's the male obviously.

So she thought, how can I remember that?

So she made a little white collar and stuck it round his neck

and that day, the vicar called and had tea

and the parrot looked at him and said,

"You were caught at it as well, were you?"

LAUGHTER

I had a very wonderful spiritual monk

who used to travel the country barefoot and he was so wonderful,

but after miles and miles and years and years of hard walking,

his feet got really calloused and hard.

Then he used to fast an awful lot and, unfortunately,

he got a very thin and very weak but he continued to walk and he continued

to pray and bless everybody but he was really, really very thin.

And then he had a very bad diet because of his fasting,

so his breath started to smell rather, so he became known as

super-callous fragile-mystic plagued-with-halitosis.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was visiting my friend in southern Wiltshire the other day where

I hail from and we were driving up the A303 with him.

I hadn't seen him for a long time and we were going up the road

and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes.

There was a great big hoarding on the side of the road.

It said, "Sex - St Mary's Convent, five miles."

I looked at it and thought, I'd better not say anything

but did I read that right?

Anyway, we drove on along the road

and suddenly there was another hoarding.

"Sex - St Mary's Convent, two miles."

So I thought, I did, I read it right.

Before we turned around and had any conversation at all, we were at

the next hoarding which said, "Sex - St Mary's Convent, turn right."

I said to him, "Have I read those notices correctly?"

Oh, yes, he said. That's right.

A friend of mine from the golf club went in there one day to see

what it was all about.

"What happened?"

Well, he drove up.

There was a big car park, this lovely great big building,

and he went and he knocked

and rang the bell on a great big Gothic door

and it was opened by a very attractive young nun, she said,

"Good afternoon, sir.

"I think I know why you're here.

"Would you like to follow me?"

So he went in and they went up some stairs, along a corridor,

they turned left, down winding through another corridor

and round and suddenly they came to another great big door with

a second nun holding a big silver plate.

And the first one said to my friend,

"If you'd like to put £100 on the plate, sir,

"you can then go through this door and the world is yours."

So, he fumbled, put £100 on the plate,

the door opened and he went out and it shut behind him.

He was back in the car park.

And there was a great big notice next to him which said,

"You've just been screwed by the sisters of St Mary's Convent."

LAUGHTER

I went to visit this farmer the other day

and, as I drove up to his farmhouse,

I noticed that on the right-hand side of the track

there was a field of pigs.

And, amazingly, I noticed that one of these pigs had a wooden leg,

so I said to the farmer when he answered the door,

"That's amazing. One of your pigs has got a wooden leg."

He said, "Oh, that pig is amazing. A fantastic pig."

I said, "What's the story?"

He said, "Well, I was driving home the other night

"and I'll admit I'd had one or two too many

"and, as I came up the track, my Land Rover left the road

"and it went down the hill, turned over into the pond.

"And I was trapped inside.

"And I couldn't get my seat belt undone, the water was rising,

"I was about to drown, and that pig, he saw what had happened,

"he ran down the hill, he jumped over the fence, into the water,

"swam across to the Land Rover, under the water, opened the door,

"released to the seatbelt, and he saved my life."

I said, "Well, that's fantastic.

"That's astonishing that a pig could do that

"but it still doesn't explain why he's got a wooden leg."

He said, "Well, a marvellous pig like that,

"you wouldn't want to eat it all at once, would you?"

LAUGHTER

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some sort of joke?"

LAUGHTER

So this visiting minister,

he was waxing eloquently in his final prayer and he said,

with his arms stretched to heaven,

"Lord, without you we are nothing...

..but dust."

And he was stopped in his tracks by a little girl in the front row

who said to her mum, loudly,

"Mum, what's butt dust?"

LAUGHTER

There was a married couple, man and wife, who'd been arguing ever

since they got married, morning till night, day after day,

always, always arguing.

But somehow, they reached their golden wedding and the children

wondered what to give their parents as a golden wedding present.

So in the end they decided to give them

a free consultation at a psychiatrist.

And the couple continued arguing, arguing on the way to the

psychiatrist, arguing when they went into his consulting room.

The psychiatrist was patient for a while and,

as he got up from his desk, he came round to the front and said,

"I'm going to do something I've never done before

"in all my professional life."

And he gives the wife a kiss on the lips

and he turns to the husband and says,

"Your wife needs this three times a week."

The husband says, "I'll bring her in Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

LAUGHTER

A notice outside a church in Liverpool said,

"If you've done with sin, come on in."

Underneath, someone had written,

"If not, ring Tracey on 0501..."

LAUGHTER

An architect, who's really interested in buildings,

well, you'd have to be, but he loves churches

and so he decides he's going to write a book about churches.

He thinks he'll start somewhere in Scotland,

so he flies up to Inverness and begins by going into one of the

large churches there.

He suddenly sees on the wall a gold telephone

with a sign that says, "£10,000 a minute."

So he thinks, this is very strange, so he goes in search of a clergyman

and eventually catches up with a guy and says, "Why the gold telephone?

"Why the sign, £10,000 a minute?"

He said, "Ah, well, that's a direct line to God."

"Oh, great," he said, and off he wanders and goes to another church.

This time in Aberdeen.

And in Aberdeen, sure enough on the walls, a gold telephone

with a sign, £10,000.

So he carries on going to different churches in Scotland and then

he ventures over the border, goes to Carlisle, then across the Newcastle

and in every cathedral and church he goes in he gets exactly the same.

He sees a gold phone on the wall with a sign, £10,000 a minute.

So then he goes down to York Minster.

And in York Minster, there's the gold telephone on the wall

with a sign that says, 25p a minute.

25p? So he finds a clergyman and says,

"Look, I've been to all these churches and every one I've gone in

"has a gold phone and it always says £10,000 a minute.

"So, why, when I come here to York Minster, is it only 25p a minute?"

"Ah, well, son, tha's in Yorkshire now and it's a local call.

LAUGHTER

One of the great disappointments in my life

is I missed out on having a midlife crisis. I went straight past it.

I wasn't aware because I was looking forward to this.

A great midlife crisis, because if you have a midlife crisis,

I read this in a newspaper,

it said normally you get a big blue motorbike

or you go off with a concubine.

I thought I've always wanted a big blue motorbike,

one with the handlebars up here, you sit, cruise, one of them.

So I says to my family, "I'm going to have a big blue motorbike."

And they laughed and hooted and said three things.

One, you're too old.

Two, you can't afford it.

Three, you'll keep falling off.

OK.

I'm going to get me a concubine.

So they laughed and they hooted and they said, one, you're too old.

Two, you can't afford it

and three, you'll keep falling off.

LAUGHTER

So there's these two old ladies

and they're sitting waiting to go into the floral exhibition.

They're watching all the flowers going into this big tent

and one says to the other, "God, I'm so bored. This is terrible.

"For 20 quid I'd take off all my clothes and run into that tent."

"Right," says the other, "You're on. Here's £20."

So she takes off all her clothes and she streaks into this tent

and there's a great cheer and a great commotion and she comes out and says,

"Forget the £20, I got £100 for the best dried arrangement."

LAUGHTER

I heard a story of a vicar and he set down these rules that

if people wanted to join his church, couples wanted to join his church,

then they were to restrain from sex for two weeks.

He had three couples who were waiting to join his church.

There was a retired couple, middle-aged couple

and a newly-married couple.

So he told them what they weren't allowed to do.

Two weeks went by and the retired couple came in and the vicar said,

"How did you get on?"

"No problem at all," they said.

"Welcome to my church," he said.

And then to the middle-aged couple, "So, how did you get on?"

They said, "The first week, no problem at all.

"The second week, I have to say it was a bit difficult.

"I had to spend two or three nights down on the sofa."

"Welcome to my church," he said.

And then to the newly-married couple, he said,

"Well, how did you get on?"

"Not very well at all" said the young man.

He said, "First night was OK and then the next day

"my beautiful wife was bending to reach a tin of paint

"and I was just overcome with love

"and desire and passion

"and I'm afraid, you know, I failed. We failed."

He said, "I'm sorry, you're not welcome to our church."

And he said, "No, we're not welcome at the local DIY either."

LAUGHTER

There was a zealous police constable came to the parish

and she was booking everyone for the least thing.

She was booking everyone.

The only one she couldn't catch was the minister,

but she knew that the minister went about the parish on his bike.

She knew he came along the road where there was a zebra crossing

and she thought, I'm going to have to get this minister,

so she hid behind the bushes at the zebra crossing one day,

knowing he came along at quite a pace and, true enough,

the minister came along on his bike

and just then the folks were about to cross the zebra crossing.

The minister was going along and he just managed to stop

just before he got to the zebra crossing.

The policewoman thought she had him then and she jumped out and said,

"I nearly had you there, minister."

And the minister says, "Oh, you'll never get me."

And she says, "Why not?"

And he says, "Well, because God is always with me."

And she says, "Right, you're booked.

"Two on a bike."

LAUGHTER

Man gets home from work and comes into the kitchen,

picks up the post, and says to his wife, "Great news, great news!"

He says, "My Olympic condoms have arrived"

and he says, "I think I'll wear gold tonight."

And his wife says,

"No, wear silver and then you'll come second for a change."

LAUGHTER

The Roman Catholic priest was waxing lyrical about horseracing

and the Methodist minister said he'd never ever been to a horserace

in his life

because, of course, they're not allowed to gamble.

The Roman Catholic priest said,

"Oh, come along, you should just experience it.

"You don't actually have to bet on any horses."

So, in the end, the Methodist minister went that Saturday

and just before the first race he saw the Catholic priest

blessing a horse and it romped away and won the race by miles.

The second race, the same thing happened.

The Catholic priest blessed this horse

and it shot away and romped off and it won the race by miles.

So the Methodist minister's now getting really wound up,

because he thinks this is a sure winner here, but I'm not

allowed to gamble but, well, nobody is going to notice, are they?

No one will ever know. Go on!

So, next time he saw the priest blessing a horse,

he quickly ran up to one of the bookies and put some money on it.

The race started and the horse just fell down almost immediately

and collapsed.

Well, the minister was really fed up about this

and he went up to the priest and said,

"Look, you've blessed horses in the last two races and they romped away

"and won by miles and now I actually went and bet on this last one

"and it collapsed."

And the priest says, "That's the trouble with you Protestants.

"You can't tell the difference between a blessing

"and the Last Rites."

LAUGHTER

Mick was planning a visit to London

and he was telling his next-door neighbour, Mrs Dunn, all about it

and says, "It's the first time I've been to London for a long time."

And she said, "Oh, that's marvellous, Michael."

She said, "I wonder while you're over there

"whether you would mind looking up my son, Neely,

"because it's been five months since he moved over there

"and I haven't had the scrape of a pen from him."

And Michael said, "Well, Mrs Dunn, it's a big place, London.

"You wouldn't happen to have an address for him?"

She said, "Well, no, I don't. I know that it was London, WC1."

And Mick says, "Well, I'll do my best, but it's a big place."

So he's going through the doors in Heathrow

and he looks ahead of him and he sees a sign and it says WC

and he thinks, "Ah, praise the saints, WC!"

And he goes straight through the doors and there's two cubicles.

One on the left and one on the right, number one, number two.

And he knocks on number one and a voice says, "Who is it?"

And Mick says, "Are you Neely Dunn?"

LAUGHTER

And the voice said, "Yes, but I can't find the paper."

And Mick says,

"Ah, that's a poor excuse for not writing to your poor old mother!"

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

There's a touring circus going around the little towns of Ireland

and, being good Catholics, all of them go for confession one night.

When the last one is done, the priest there stops to

talk to the last one and says, "What do you do?"

He said, "I'm an acrobat, Father."

"Get away," said the priest,

"I haven't seen a circus since I was that high.

"You couldn't do a quick turn for me now, could you?"

"What, in church?" he says. "Go on," said the priest.

"There's only me and Him watching and he won't mind, I promise you."

Well, there was a long aisle, so the acrobat went to the West door,

spat on his hands, took a run and did four flick-flacks,

three baranis, two arab springs, a backward somersault

and landed perfectly on his hands just in front of the high altar.

There's a little old lady at the back of the church

looking on horrified.

She rushes home to her friend.

"Bridey, my dear, Bridey,

"would you be after going to confession tonight, my child?"

Cos she was Welsh, you see(!)

She said, "Yes, I would, Mary. Why do you ask?"

She said, "Oh, my dear, put on a clean pair of drawers.

"You want to see the penance the silly old fool is dishing out now!"

LAUGHTER

Are you settled down?

Right.

I shall begin.

Once upon a time in a coreign fountry there lived

a geautiful birl whose name was Rinder Cella.

Also in the same coreign fountry there lived a prandsome hince.

This prandsome hince was given a bancy fall and invited all

the people from riles amound to go along to the bancy fall.

And he invited Rinder Cella's mugly other and two sigly usters.

So off they went to the drancy fesh shops to buy some drancy fesses.

But poor little old Rinder Cella, as you know, sat at home

and wept cos she only had some old rirty dags.

But suddenly her Gairy Modfather appeared and waved a wagic mand

and conjured up a cig boach and hix white sorses.

But she said,

"You must be back by nidmight or I'll purn you into a tumpkin."

Well, off she went to the bancy fall.

The prandsome hince met her at the door cos he'd been

watching from a widden hindow high up in the tower

and they nanced all dight and lell in fove.

Well, suddenly the mig clock struck night

and she staced down the rairs and on the way she slopped her dripper.

Well, the next day,

the prandsome hince went all round the coreign fountry

looking for the geautiful birl that slopped the dripper

and he came to Rinder Cella's house, banged on the door.

Tried it on her mugly other, but it fidn't dit.

Tried it on the two sigly usters, still fidn't did.

But when he tried it on Rinder Cella, it fit did,

and they got married and lived heftily hever hapwards.

Well, being a vicar, there has to be a moral to this story,

which is this.

If you go to a bancy fall and you want a prandsome hince to

lall in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper... innit?

LAUGHTER

The scoutmaster asks his scouts if they've done their good turn

for the day and three boys quickly shoot up their hands,

"Sir, sir, sir. We took an old lady over the road."

So the scoutmaster says,

"Well done, congratulations, but did it take three of you?"

"Yes, sir, she didn't want to go."

LAUGHTER

A lady came to see me from the parish.

She was really worried about her husband.

Every night he was going down the pub

and getting absolutely plastered.

Every night, he was coming home absolutely sheet to the wind.

She said, "What am I going to do?" and I said,

"Well, I think really you've got to give him a shock,

"something that will shake him to the core

"and he'll stop all this at a stroke."

So I suggested a plan to her that she should...

I knew that this man, every night, after he left the pub,

he cut through the churchyard on his way back home, so I said,

"What you need to do, you go behind the biggest gravestone,

"you get a big sheet on you, and when he's coming past you,

"just jump out on him.

"That should scare the living daylights out of him."

So she did. The next night, she was behind the gravestone,

closing time came, she waited there.

Along he comes, you know, singing away -

# Show me the way to go home # -

and she jumps out at him and says,

"I am the devil and I have come for your soul!"

And the man says, "Aye, well, we're related, cos I married your sister."

LAUGHTER

I'm from up north and we're not very bright up north.

There were these two chaps on a train, one from Lancashire

and one from Yorkshire,

and the Lancashire man had a sack in his hand and it had something moving

in it and the Yorkshireman says, "what have you got in that sack?"

The Lancashire man says, rabbits.

The Yorkshire man says, "I'll tell you what,

"if I guess how many rabbits you've got in that sack, can I have one?"

The Lancashire man says, "If you can guess how many rabbits I've got

"in this sack, you can have them both."

LAUGHTER

One more, if you can bear it.

There were two nuns and they just joined the convent

and the Mother Superior issued them with their brand-new habits

and says, "Right, your first job is to paint your room.

"But don't get any paint on these new habits whatever you do."

So they go to their room and one says to the other,

"I don't know how we're going to avoid getting paint on our habits."

And the other one says, "I know what we'll do,

"we'll take our habits off, fold them up, and then we can paint.

"We won't have anything on, but we can still paint the room."

Fair enough, so they start painting the room,

and then there's a knock at the door

and they go, "Ooh!" cos they locked the door.

They say, "Who is it?"

And they hear this voice saying, "Blind man."

And they say, "What we going to do?"

They said, "Well, he's blind, what's the harm? We'll just let him in."

So they go over to the door, unlock it,

this bloke comes in and he says, "Cor, nice tits!

"Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"

LAUGHTER

(I think that's enough!)

APPLAUSE

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