Some Vicars with Jokes Part 1 Some People with Jokes

This programme contains some strong language.

There's this dear old couple in their 80s,

and they're sat outside in their rocking chairs -

to and fro, to and fro - and they're both, as you do, pondering

the life that had gone.

And suddenly the old man, he got up, he went across to his wife,

he slapped her across the face.

So she said, "What's that for?"

He says, "That's for 55 years of rotten sex!"

And he went back and sat down.

And they're carrying on in their rocking chairs, to and fro they went.

And the old lady got up, went across to him,

slapped him across the face, went back and sat down.

And he says, "What's that for?"

And she said, "That's for knowing the difference!"

There's a trainee priest in the confession box with his mentor

learning how to do confession.

The first guy comes in and he says,

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

He said "What have you done?" He said, "I've committed adultery."

"How many times?"

He said, "Three."

The priest said, "Well, three Hail Marys and 50p in the box."

Next one comes in, same scenario, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What have you done?" "Adultery." "How many times?" "Five, Father."

"Oh, five Hail Marys and a pound in the box."

With that, the priest's mobile phone goes. It's an emergency.

He is called away to do the last rites.

He said to the trainee, "You carry on, but keep your voice low or they'll think it's somebody else."

"But I don't know what to do," said the trainee.

"Just do what I did," said the priest. "It's easy."

So, the next one comes in, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

(High pitch) "What have you... (Lower) "What have you done, my child?"

"I've committed adultery." The trainee thinks, "What do I say now? Oh, yes!"

"How many times?" "Four," said the penitent.

And the trainee priest says, "Four?!"

"Well, go and do it again." "Why?!" said the penitent.

He said, "Well, it's three times for 50p, and five for a quid."

LAUGHTER

Three men have just died and they've gone to heaven,

and St Peter's there and he opens the gates and he said,

"You can go into heaven - there's only one rule in my heaven,

and the rule is, don't tread on the ducks."

So they go into heaven and it's quite nice, really. It's all right.

But they've got these ducks everywhere - quack, quack, quack.

All the ducks, you see.

So eventually one man treads on a duck.

Immediately, St Peter is there.

And with him is this woman. This is the ugliest woman you could imagine.

She really is 'orrible, this woman.

And she is, like, greasy and smelly and farts a lot...

She's like a really 'orrible woman.

And St Peter chains the man who trod on the duck to the 'orrible woman.

He says, "You are chained together for eternity. Don't tread on a duck!"

And they're going on a bit, course, a second man treads on a duck!

And... And St Peter's there straight away...

with another 'orrible woman.

This one is as 'orrible as the first one,

but more so, in that she nags, as well. She's... She goes on.

Chained together for eternity. Don't tread on the duck.

A third man says, "I ain't never gonna tread on a duck."

"I will not take a pace forwards or backwards or sideways or diagonal.

"I will never, ever tread on a duck."

And he doesn't.

And he's doing all right.

And then, suddenly, St Peter turns up and has another woman.

This is a stunning one. This is the woman...

that men - some men - dream of, you know.

She is gorgeous!

She is the perfect - Wow, wow! - woman. Phew!

Chained together for eternity.

And her man's saying, "I don't know why I deserve this."

And the woman says, "Don't know about you, dear, but I trod on a duck."

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

I was sitting in traffic the other day.

I got run over.

LAUGHTER

There were these two guys who were playing golf,

and they'd had a very peaceful, very affable round.

They were the best of friends.

They got to the 18th hole,

only one shot of a difference between the two of them.

And one of them was just about to line up a putt

when on the other side of the 18th hole there was a funeral cortege

passing up the road.

Very, very quietly, very, very sedately.

And the man looked at the funeral cortege, he bowed his head,

he took his hat off, and he made the sign of the cross

as the funeral cortege went by.

And his friend came across to him and he said,

"That was the most touching thing I have ever seen," he said.

"Well done," he said. "You have gone up in my estimation."

And the man said, "Well, it was the least I could do.

"She was always a good wife to me."

LAUGHTER

Well, there was a man went to confession.

And the priest said to him, "Well, what do you wish to confess?"

He said, "Well, I've had sex with a young lady."

"Oh, you've had sex with a young lady, have you? What's her name?"

He said, "I'm not telling you her name.

"I've come to confess, I haven't come to tell you her name."

He says, "Was it Mary from number 21?"

"I'm not telling you who it was, Father.

"I've just come to confess."

"No," he says. "I can't give you absolution if you don't tell me...

"Was it Sheila from number 40?"

"No," he says. "No, no, I am not telling you who it was."

"Oh, dear. Well, I'm not giving you absolution. I'll task you once more.

"Was it Margaret from number 65?"

"No, I'm not telling you who it was, Father.

"I've just..." "Well, I'm not giving you absolution, then."

So he got up and walked out.

Well, he came out of the church door and there was Michael,

and Michael said, "Have you been to confession?" "Yes," he said.

"And did you get absolution?"

He says, "I didn't get absolution,

but I got three bloody good tips for Saturday night!"

LAUGHTER

At the first service I took in my new church,

the first sermon I ever preached, I stood in the pulpit for the first time

and I said as I was moving house to come here and be with you,

I was sitting in the removal van with the guys

and we drove up the road, and we ran over this cat.

And I thought, "It's my first day, I have to do something."

So I knocked on the door where I'd seen the little cat run out,

and a little old lady answered the door.

All my congregation went "oh..."

Everyone lives in the street, and they wonder, is it Mrs Jones?

I said, "I'm afraid I've just run your cat down."

And she said, "What did it look like?" And I went...

LAUGHTER

And she said, "No, no, no. What did it look like BEFORE you knocked it down?"

I went like that...

LAUGHTER

There were two bishops, and they are talking to each other

and they are lamenting

the moral state of the nation.

And one says to the other one,

"Well, I certainly didn't sleep with my wife

"before we were married. How about you?"

And the other one says, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

LAUGHTER

See, everybody thinks it was Adam and Eve who were created, but it wasn't.

It was Eve, and then Adam.

You see, God created this beautiful Earth,

did all this land, water, all that bit.

And animals. Beautiful animals.

Then he created Eve.

Oh, she was a buxom lass!

She was really beautiful.

And God said to her, after she'd been wandering around the Garden of Eden from a little while,

"Are you enjoying yourself, Eve?"

"Oh," she said. "The flowers are beautiful!

"And the animals, they're so friendly!"

And he said, "But you don't have such a smile on your face."

And she said, "Well, it's this shape you've made me, it's uncomfortable."

"Yes, well, what do you mean?"

She said, "Well, I don't know what you call these things -

"I call them my mazumis." So, God looks at her and he says...

"Yeah, you're not quite right, are you? Come here.

"Might hurt, just for a minute."

And he pulled the middle one off, threw it in the bushes.

And she says "Oh! Oh, that's lovely!"

And she looked down at herself and they were lifted and separated,

in just the right places, and she felt so much more comfortable.

So off she went, enjoying the Garden of Eden.

A couple of days later, after God had had a really good rest,

he came and said, "How are you doing now, Eve? Are you happy?"

"Oh," she said. "Yes, and...and no."

He said, "Do you not like your new form?"

"Oh, no. I'm loving it," she says.

"It's really nice and comfortable." "Well, what's wrong then?"

"Well, the animals, they're so friendly,

"but you made one of one sort and one of another

"and I've noticed, night-times especially, they sort of hive off together

"and have a little bit of, you know, how's-your-father.

"And here am I, I'm all on my own."

"Oh," God said. "I know what we'll do.

"Where did I throw that useless tit?"

LAUGHTER

Sorry, gentlemen.

There was a man who wanted to get away from all the stress

and pressure of modern life,

so he joined a monastery where the monks lived in silence.

They were allowed to speak just once every 10 years.

So 10 years went by and he comes in to the abbot and he says,

"Abbot, the food could be better."

So the abbot says, "Well, we'll see what we can do."

Ten more years go by and he comes to the abbot again and he says,

"The beds could be more comfortable, Abbot."

So the abbot says, "We'll see what we can do."

Ten years go by and he comes into the abbot again and says,

"Abbot," he says. "I don't think I'm cut out for this life."

And the abbot says, "I agree.

"You've done nothing but grumble ever since you came."

LAUGHTER

Up in the Tirol, they were coming down on skis

and this fellow decided he'd have a fag

and he went into his pocket and he couldn't find a lighter.

So he stops off at this little shop on the mountainside and he says,

"Excuse me, you haven't got a lighter for my cigarette?"

And the fellow says, "Sorry, I'm a tobogganist."

LAUGHTER

A vicar and a curate are playing golf,

and the curate hooks the ball into the woods,

so they both went to look for the ball, and they found a well.

And they're both looking down this well,

and the vicar says to the curate, "I wonder how deep it is?"

And so, he says, "I'll drop a pebble down it."

So he bent down and picked a pebble up and dropped it down

and they couldn't hear it land.

Then the curate picked up a boulder and threw that down,

and they didn't even hear that land.

The other one said, "Hey, there's a railway sleeper here.

"Let's throw that down, it's big enough. See how we get on."

So, the vicar got at one end and the curate at the other

and they threw this railway sleeper down the hole.

And they were listening for it landing and just then,

the vicar looks behind him and there's this billy goat going like blazes towards him

and he just moved to one side,

the billy goat shot past him and straight down the well.

And the curate said, "We better get out of here quick, otherwise we're going to be in trouble."

And so they're just about setting off and a farmer comes along

and he says, "Excuse me, you haven't seen a billy goat, have you?"

And the curate says, "No, we haven't seen a billy goat."

And the farmer said,

"Well, you can't miss it - it's attached to a railway sleeper."

LAUGHTER

In this town, there was this phenomenal revival.

And three ministers got together to talk about the revival.

The Presbyterian minister said, "Well, we did well.

"We got four new families into our church."

And then the Anglican minister said, "You think YOU did well?

"Well, I got six new families into the life of the church here."

And then they looked at the Methodist minister.

"Do you guys think you did well?

"You got four families and you got six families?

"Well, I got rid of ten troublemakers!"

LAUGHTER

This vicar was loved by his congregation,

and they decided to give him a treat.

So they put him on a boat and they took him off deep sea fishing.

He loved it. It was like the Sea of Galilee for him.

He went out there, they caught loads of fish, it was piled with fish.

And on the way back, he was really enjoying himself.

This was just a spiritual experience.

But unfortunately, as in the Sea of Galilee, a storm brewed up,

and it became very, very violent.

And the boat was tossed and turned from one side to the other,

and he thought, "God, what's going to happen, what's going to happen?"

The captain came to the group and said, "Look, it's not good news.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to start helping people out."

So he started to give out lifejackets to everybody.

And the captain said, "Erm, does anybody know how to pray?"

Well, the vicar said, "Well, I do. I'm a vicar."

He said, "Good, cos we've run out of lifejackets."

LAUGHTER

I had a vicar friend in the next parish, and his wife, Jack and Jill.

They were mad on air displays.

In fact, on their honeymoon, they went to an air display.

They were so caught up with this that they went every year to a display.

After ten years, they noticed that there was a little board that said,

"Half-hour flights. £20."

And Jack said, "Oh, Jill, I would love to fly."

She said, "Jack, £20 is £20."

So he didn't fly.

15 years went by and again, he said,

"Jill, I would love to fly.

"I would love to go up there into the blue sky and look down on creation."

She said, "Jack, £30 is £30."

So still he didn't fly.

Another 20 years, and Jack was getting a bit past it. He'd retired.

He said to Jill, he said, "Jill, if I don't fly now,

"I shall be too old to get into an aeroplane.

"I would love just to fly up there, say hello to Him before I go

"and meet Him permanently."

She said, "Jack, £50 is £50."

The pilot overheard this.

He said to them, "Look, I will take you up for free.

"But, if you utter one sound, I shall have to charge."

So away they went, he did every acrobat in the book, not a word.

When they landed, he went to Jack and he said,

"My word, that was marvellous.

"I did every acrobat in the book. You never uttered a sound."

And Jack said, "Well, I nearly did once

"when my wife fell out of the plane."

LAUGHTER

"But I said to myself, 'Jack, £50 is £50!'"

A priest in the Midlands was due to take

a service in a crematorium near Birmingham.

He'd never been there so he tapped the postcode into his sat-nav

and set off with what he thought was plenty of time.

In fact, he underestimated the Birmingham traffic,

and by the time he arrived at the crem,

the mourners were already there and so was the hearse.

He hurriedly pulled his robes on and dashed over, took his place

in front of the coffin and led it solemnly into church.

As the undertakers placed the coffin on the catafalque,

a loud voice came from his left trouser pocket -

"You have reached your destination."

LAUGHTER

There's this vicar,

and during a service he stands up and he says to the congregation,

"Is there anyone here who would like to thank God for anything that

"has happened in their life?"

And this woman gets up and she comes to the front, she says, "Yes,

"I would like to thank God because my husband, Jim,

"he had a terrible, terrible bike accident

"and his scrotum was completely torn and wrecked. It's broken."

And all the men in the congregation go, "Ooh, sounds nasty!"

"And we prayed and we prayed for the surgeon as he performed this

"very delicate operation on his scrotum.

"And they wound it together with wire."

And again the men in the congregation are going, "Oh-h-h!"

But, she says, "I give thanks now, because the operation was a success

"and the doctor said that with time,

"his scrotum will completely heal."

And the vicar sort of says, "Oh, right, thank you."

He says, "Is there anywhere else in the congregation who

"would like to say something?"

And this bloke comes out, he says,

"Yes, my name is Jim

"and I'd like to say to my wife that the word is 'sternum'."

LAUGHTER

I did a piece of toast for breakfast other day, and I took it out

the toaster and I thought, "Wow, that's a picture of Jesus."

I was so excited, I thought, "I've got to tell somebody."

So I ran next door to this guy, who's a Muslim, and I said,

"Look, look, look, it's a picture of Jesus in my toast!"

And he looked at it and he said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

LAUGHTER

This country vicar, not got much money in the parish,

and he had been there for quite a while,

and the church was getting into a really bad disrepair.

The paint was peeling, it was dreadful.

It was one of those beautiful little white, you know, painted churches.

He thought, "What I'll do, I'll go down the market, buy some cheap

"paint, and on Saturday night, I'll paint it all myself.

"It'll be a real treat for the congregation."

A wonderful pastoral vicar.

So he went and got the paint and he did it.

He did so well on the first wall.

He looked down at his paint pot and he only had half a paint pot left.

He thought, "What am I going to do?

"I won't finish the church with this amount of paint!"

So he got some thinner and he put it all in, a lot of thinner,

and he started painting the other three sides of the wall.

When he went to bed, of course, in this English weather, there was

a great storm. The rain came down and completely drenched the church.

When he came out in the morning, it looked worse than before.

The paint was dripping down the walls. He didn't know...

He said, "God, what must I do?"

And a voice from heaven said, "Repaint and thin no more."

LAUGHTER

The Emperor of China wanted a new bodyguard.

And he interviewed three people -

one from China, one from Japan and one Jewish.

And he gives each of them a sword.

And he goes up to the Chinese man with a casket.

He opens a casket and a wasp flies out.

-And the Chinese candidate goes...

-MAKES SWISHING SOUND

And the wasp falls in pieces on the floor.

The Emperor of China says, "That's wonderful. That's very impressive."

He does the same with the Japanese.

Opens the casket, out flies a wasp -

one stroke and the wasp falls dead on the floor.

He said, "Oh, that's even more impressive."

Goes to the Jewish candidate, opens the casket, wasp flies out.

MAKES SWISHING SOUND

And the wasp flies away.

The Emperor says, "Well, that wasn't very good, was it?

And the Jewish candidate says,

"Well, circumcision isn't meant to be fatal."

LAUGHTER

There was a minister who was asked to give a talk at the school assembly.

And it was a talk on sex from a Christian point of view,

which he accepted, but he didn't want to upset his wife,

so he put in his diary, "A talk on sailing at school assembly."

That week, he was due to give the talk.

The headteacher phoned up and asked if this was OK.

The headteacher got the minister's wife, asked if it was OK,

if everything was OK for this talk, the minister to give the talk,

and his wife looked at the diary and saw it there.

The minister put in a talk on sailing at the school assembly,

and she thought, "Mmm, that's strange."

And she said, "I'm surprised that he's giving a talk on this."

The head teacher says, "Why are you surprised?"

And she says, "Well, he's only ever done it twice.

"The first time he was sick, and then the second time his hat blew off."

LAUGHTER

There's a lovely story of a couple,

and they're in their local store getting their groceries,

and the man picked up a pack of 12 lagers, cans of lager. Fantastic.

And his wife said, "What are you doing?"

So he said, "There are 12 for a tenner! It's a bargain!"

She said, "We can't afford 'em, put 'em back." And on they go shopping.

Next minute, they come to the ladies' department for beauty.

She picks up a jar of hand cream, it's £20.

He said, "What are you doing? What do you think you're doing?"

She said, "It's my hand cream.

"It makes me look beautiful and attractive."

He said, "So does 12 cans of lager!

"And they're half the price!"

LAUGHTER

Now, there was a building site in the village,

and there was a family next door with a little girl.

And the little girl was so intrigued,

cos not much happened in this village that she could watch.

She watched them every day,

and they dug the foundations and then the concrete was poured

and she got to know their names, they got to know her name.

And then one day they said, "Wouldn't you like to come and help us?

"You've taken such an interest."

And they gave her a little tiny hard hat and a high visibility vest.

And she worked with them, doing this and that.

And at the end of the week, all the men put in a contribution

and they gave her £10.

She went back to her mother so excited, "Look, Mummy!

"They've given me £10 for helping them."

"Ooh," says Mother, "I think that's very good.

"We'll go down to the bank and open a bank account for you.

"You want to save it, don't you?"

So, she said, "Well, yes, OK."

Went to the bank and the mother said to the cashier,

"My daughter's been helping the builders who are building a house

"next door to us, and they've given her £10

"because she's been so helpful."

So the cashier got in on the act a little bit, she said,

"Ooh, well done, I am impressed to hear that."

She said, "And are you going to go back next week

"and help them some more?"

"Well," says the little girl, "that all depends whether those

"bastards at the building merchants deliver the fucking bricks!"

LAUGHTER

This fella's on a desert island, he's been there 10 years.

He's quite depressed.

And suddenly this woman turns up in a wet suit walking up the beach, eh?

She unzips one of her pockets and says,

"Bet it's a long time since you've had a cigarette."

And he says, "What? 10 years! I haven't had a fag for 10 years."

So she gives him a fag. And he puffs away,

"Oh, that's great," he says, "that's really good."

A little while later, she unzips another pocket in her wet suit

and pulls out a little flagon of whisky and says,

"How long is it since you've had a drink?"

And he says, "10 years! "10 years since I've had a drink.

"Oh, that's great," he says. "Really great, thanks very much."

Later on in the afternoon, towards the evening,

she undoes the front of her wet suit and she says,

"How long is it since you've played around?"

And he says, "Go on!"

"You're not telling me you've got a golf set in there, have you?"

Is that all right? Is that enough?

APPLAUSE

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