Some Football Managers with Jokes Some People with Jokes

Guy arrives at the gates of heaven, where he's greeted by Saint Peter.

And Saint Peter says to him,

"Right, tell me something about your life

"and anything you've done that's good in your life."

So the man's standing there about five minutes.

He's racking his brains, can't think of anything.

"OK," said Saint Peter, "Let's have a little go at bravery.

"Anything you've done in your life that's brave?"

He said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm a referee by trade

"and I was refereeing a game at Anfield, Liverpool versus Everton.

"And 90 minutes, almost 90 minutes had gone by, 89 minutes had gone by

"and there was a penalty decision I had to make in front of the Kop.

"And it was a penalty for Everton and I gave the penalty.

"And I thought, how brave was that?"

So Saint Peter said, "Yeah, I've got to say, that was brave."

He said, "How long ago was this?" He said, "About three minutes ago!"

LAUGHTER

Yeah, so there's two old football fans, they're in the park

and they're feeding the pigeons.

And they're having a good chat, chatting away about football.

And one says to the other, "Do you know what, Alan?" He says,

"Do you think there's any football in heaven?"

He said, "Well, I'm not sure, Mikey,

"but, you know, surely there must be."

He says, "I tell you what, why don't we have a pact?

"That whenever one of us dies first, when they go to heaven

"and they find out if there's football or not,

"they come back and let the other one know."

He said, "That's brilliant, what a great idea."

So sure enough, Alan passes away and goes to heaven.

A couple of months later, he hears this voice shouting at him.

"Mikey, Mikey!" And Mikey turns round and says,

"Is that you, Alan?" He says, "Yes, it is."

He says, "Oh, Alan, did you find out about the football in heaven?"

He said, "Yeah, I did." And he went, "And?" So he says, "Good news!"

He said, "What is it?" "There is football in heaven!"

He says, "That's fantastic." He says, "Yeah, there's some bad news,

though." He says, "What?" He says, "You're in goals on Sunday, pal!"

LAUGHTER

So a teacher at a Southampton school asked her class who supported

Southampton Football Club.

They all raised their hands, except one young lad.

And the teacher said to him, "Well, who do you support?"

He said, "I support Portsmouth.

"Because my mum and dad are Portsmouth supporters."

And the teacher said to him, "If your mum and dad were morons,

"would you be a moron?"

"No," said the lad, "then I'd be a Southampton fan!"

LAUGHTER

A man goes for an interview

and at the interview he's asked what his worst quality is.

He thinks for a minute and then he goes, "Phhhh, I'm too honest."

And the interviewer says,

"Well, honesty, I think that's a good quality."

And the man says, "I couldn't give a shit what you think!"

LAUGHTER

What do you call a sleep walking nun? A Roaming Catholic!

LAUGHTER

Did you ever hear about that movie, Constipation?

Well, it never came out.

LAUGHTER

What's brown and sits in the forest?

Winnie's poo.

LAUGHTER

The kids have threw up all over the place this morning.

I told them I put ginger in the curry.

They loved that cat.

LAUGHTER

Little camel, he says to his mum, "Mum, you know,

"I feel a little bit like a girl." She says, "Why do you feel that way?"

He says, "Well, what are these cushioned hooves for?"

She says, "Well, as camels, when we go thousands

"and thousands of miles through the desert, you know, we get blisters.

"And these cushioned hooves protect you from getting blisters.

"You know?"

He says, "Oh, OK." He says, "And what about this thing on my back?

"This hump?"

She says, "Well, you know, when we go thousands

"and thousands of miles through the desert, that stores your food.

"Your milk, your water, and that restores your energy."

"Oh, OK. All right, I get that, yes. One last one, Mum.

"What about these wee girlie eyelashes?"

She says, "Son, when we go thousands and thousands of miles through

"the desert, it frequently whips up these sandstorms.

"And these eyelashes protect you from getting sand in your eyes."

He says, "Well, what the hell are we doing in Edinburgh zoo?!"

LAUGHTER

A man goes home to his wife one day and she said to him,

"Why don't you just pack your bags and leave, you lazy bastard?"

He said, "You pack them!"

LAUGHTER

In the doctor's the other day, I said,

"Doctor, I keep having this dream, this recurring dream.

"All these beautiful women are running at me.

"And I just keep pushing them away with my arms."

And the doctor said, "Well, what do you want me to do?"

I said, "Well, is there something you could do with my arms?"

LAUGHTER

I didn't believe it when they said my dad was stealing

from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there!

LAUGHTER

So Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street

and they hear about this job opportunity in St John's Wood.

So Paddy says to Murphy, "Hey, Murph, you wait in the pub,

"I'll go down and see about this job opportunity."

He goes to this building site and knocks on the manager's door.

He said, "Excuse me, I'm Paddy from Limerick.

"I've come about the brick laying job here on site."

He said, "Well, this is St John's Wood, it's a very upmarket area.

"Really upmarket.

"And what we want, we want some interaction between, you know,

"the construction workers and the clientele."

He said, "Do you read much, you know, about poetry and things like that?"

He said, "I don't know much about poetry, I'm from Limerick."

He said, "Well, tell you what, run me a line of bricks

"and let me see."

He runs a line of bricks and he said, "I've got to say, Paddy, that is

"one of the finest lines of bricks I've ever seen."

He said, "I tell you what, I'll give you a word, and if you can make

"a little sentence or a ditty out of that word, you've got the job."

He said, "OK, Sir, what's the word?"

He said, "Well, the word is donkey jacket."

He said, "Oh, dear," he said, "Oh! I've got the very thing.

"I've got an old brown donkey jacket, I got it from my mate.

"It keeps me warm in winter, it never makes me late."

He said, "You've got the job!"

So Paddy turns round, sprints back to the pub.

He says, "Hey, Murph, that building site, now listen to this.

"Donkey jacket. I've got an old brown donkey jacket, got it from my mate.

"Keeps you warm in winter, never makes me late."

So Murphy, "Excuse me, sir, Murphy from Limerick, come about the job."

He said, "Well, it's a very upmarket area. St John's Wood.

"A lot of, you know, high net worth individuals, a lot of people

"from the BBC, you know, work around this area. Lovely place."

He said, "So what I want you to do is", he says,

"do you know much about literature and about poetry?"

He said, "Oh, nothing about poetry, sir. I'm from Limerick."

He said, "Well, tell you what, run me a line of bricks

"and I'll see how you can do." So he runs his line of bricks.

He said, "I've got to say, Murphy,

"that's an absolutely sensational line of bricks."

He said, "I'll tell you what, I'll give you a word and if you can

"make a little ditty or sentence out of that word, you've got the job."

He said, "Yes, sir, what would be the word?"

He said, "The word is fascinate."

"Oh," he said, "Jesus Christ! Oh, I've got the very thing.

"I've got an old brown donkey jacket, I've got it from my mate.

"It's got ten buttons but I can only fasten eight!"

LAUGHTER

Mrs Mankovich, I like long names, she was in court for shoplifting

two tins of peaches from the local supermarket.

The judge very solemnly pronounces, "Mrs Mankovich,

"the judgment is that you go to prison for six days.

"You had two tins of peaches, there was three peaches in each tin.

"That's six days."

All of a sudden, a voice at the back of the court, it was Mr Mankovich.

Shouts out as loud as possible, "She also stole two tins of peas, Judge!"

LAUGHTER

So it's Prince Charles' birthday.

And he's going to the Palace, to see his mum, he's going

to have a big do and he's late.

He's well late and he goes steaming through the gates,

round the back of the big house. Straight over a corgi.

And he looks, he thinks, "Oh, no!

"I don't know what I'm going to do, she's going to go mad now. I'm late."

Gets out of the car, and the corgi's flat. He's gone right over it.

And he's really panicking. All of a sudden, a genie appears.

And he looks round, he goes, "Son, you're lucky, I'm a genie.

"And because you're royalty, you get one wish in your life,

"one wish at an opportune moment. And I've just appeared now."

He went, "Oh, that's fantastic."

He said, "That corgi down there," he said, "My mum is going to go mad."

He went, "I'm late for this do," he said, "I've gone over the corgi.

"Can you put it back together again for me?"

So the genie looks at it and he walks round it, its tail over there,

its head there, its leg there.

He goes, "I'll be honest with you, mate, I'm only a genie,

"I ain't a magician."

He went, "I can't do anything with that, you've got no chance."

So he went, "I don't know what to do, then, I'm struggling."

So he goes to get back in the car and the genie said,

"Hold on a minute, you've still got a wish.

"Is there something else you want?" So he goes, "I don't know.

"I tell you what, my Camilla..." He said, "Yeah?"

He said, "Could you make her the prettiest woman in the world,

"admired by everybody?"

And the genie goes, "I tell you what, let's have another look at that dog!"

LAUGHTER

There's this farmer,

and it's the middle of winter and all these cows are frozen.

And he's stood there, looking at all these cows,

and he doesn't know what to do.

A little old lady comes walking past and she's got a little

trolley behind her. And she goes, "Oh, can I help?"

He goes, "All my cows are frozen, I don't know what to do."

So she says, "Look, don't worry, dear, I'll sort it out."

So she puts her trolley down, goes into the field,

goes up to the first cow and blows lightly on it. Phhh.

And the cow defrosts in front of his eyes.

She goes up to the next one, she blows lightly on it. Phhhh.

And the second cow defrosts in front of his eyes.

She does that to all the cows in the field. This guy's ecstatic.

He goes, "That's absolutely amazing!"

He said, "Look, can I take your name and number,

"just in case it happens again?" She said, "Look, yes.

"My number's 684 7748. And my name is Thora Hird!"

LAUGHTER

That takes me forward to the story about the little polar bear,

who said, "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?"

She said, "Son, of course you are.

"You know what, you're pedigree, you're a fully fledged polar bear.

"You've got to stop asking me about these questions, you're annoying me.

"Away and talk to your dad." So he said, "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"

He says, "Yes, son, why are you asking that?"

He said, "Was there not a wee bit of brown bear in me?

"Or grizzly, you know, or black bear? Koala bear, even."

He said, "Son, you're a polar bear through and through.

"Why are you asking me all these questions?"

He says, "Cos I'm bloody freezing!"

LAUGHTER

Two monkeys in a bath.

One monkey turns to the other one and goes,

"Oooh ooh oooh ooh aaah aaahh aaahh!"

And the other one says, "Well, put some more cold in, then!"

LAUGHTER

Two aerials met on a roof. Fell in love, got married.

The ceremony was rubbish, the reception was brilliant!

LAUGHTER

A fella goes in the pub one night, stood at the bar, orders his pint.

And there's a bird stood next to him.

And as he's ordered his pint of lager, her eye pops out.

Coming down onto the floor.

He grabs it, catches it, gives it back to her. She pops it back in.

As the pint comes back, the woman says, "I'll pay for that,"

and buys him a beer. "Oh, fantastic, thanks very much."

So they have a bit of banter.

Buy each other a few more drinks, get to the end of the night and

she says to the guy, "Do you fancy coming back to my place?"

So the fella's gone, "All right then, I'll come back."

Anyway, six o'clock in the morning, he thinks it's time to get up

and go off to work.

He says to the bird, "Do you always take blokes back on the first date?"

And she said, "Only those that catch my eye!"

LAUGHTER

Lionel Messi is in a bar in Barcelona,

where he sees this beautiful, beautiful woman.

He goes over and starts chatting to her.

She invites him back to her place. Things are going really well.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

And the woman tells him to get comfortable on the bed

while she goes to the bathroom to freshen up.

She comes back to find Messi in bed with two fellas, who are nude.

She turns round and says to Messi, "What the hell is going on?"

"I'm really, really very sorry,

"but I just can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta!"

LAUGHTER

What team does a pirate support?

Aaaar-senal!

LAUGHTER

Got it?

Why would Cinderella not be good at football?

Because she runs away from the ball! And the coach is a pumpkin!

One day, a bank robber walks into a bank.

He goes in with a sack, throws it to the teller

and demands that he fills it full of cash. He turns and he walks away.

As he does so, a brave young man jumps up

and rips the hood off the top of his head.

The bank robber coolly looks round and shoots the man.

He looks round the bank to see if anybody else has seen his face.

And a teller is looking straight at him.

He walks across and coolly kills him.

He turns and he walks away and he screams,

"Has anybody else seen my face?" And it's all very quiet.

Until a little old fella in the far corner tentatively raises his arm

and says, "I think my wife might have caught a glimpse!"

LAUGHTER

There was a guy who died and his best mate wanted to give him

a send-off in the paper. And he was a bit tight, this lad.

I won't tell you where he come from.

But anyhow, he rung the newspaper up and he said to the girl on

the ads desk, "Can you put this in about my mate, Isaac?"

He said, "He's died and passed away peacefully in his sleep

"at the age of so-and-so.

"Rest in peace." And she said, "Yeah."

"How much will that be?" he said.

So she's worked it out and she said, "About 45 quid."

He said, "45 quid for that?"

She said, "Well, you are allowed up to 50 letters."

So he went, "Oh, right."

So he took a deep breath and thought about it.

And he said, "Well, in that case,

"could you put in Isaac so-and-so, passed away peacefully in his sleep.

"Rest in peace. Full stop.

"And then, 1953 Ford Cortina, needs quite a bit of restoration.

"250 quid or nearest offer."

LAUGHTER

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can't tuna fish!

LAUGHTER

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it.

It was a Shih Tzu.

LAUGHTER

What do you call two spiders that have just got married?

Newly webs.

What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat.

LAUGHTER

A real good mate of mine met his dream girl on holiday.

They spent every minute together in the sun.

On the last night, he said, "I've got a confession to make.

"I'm crazy and obsessed about golf and I'm wondering

"whether this may be a problem to you.

"If it is, perhaps we ought to call it a day."

The girl immediately responded and said,

"I also have a confession to make. I'm a hooker."

My mate immediately replied, "It's probably because you don't keep

"your left wrist straight."

LAUGHTER

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb

and Quasimodo are in the pub having a drink together.

Sleeping Beauty says, "I don't think there's any doubt

"that I'm the most beautiful lady in the world."

And Tom Thumb says, "Well,

"I don't think there's any doubt I'm the smallest person in the world."

And Quasimodo says, "Well, unfortunately,

"I don't think there's any doubt I'm the most repulsive in the world."

So they're having a chat, he says, "I tell you what, why don't we ring

"the Guinness book of records and put it to bed,

"know exactly if that's the case?"

So, Sleeping Beauty comes back in.

She says, "Listen, I am the most beautiful lady in the world."

He says, "That's brilliant, Sleeping Beauty."

So Tom Thumb then comes back in and says, "Guess what?" He says, "What, Tom?"

He says, "I am the smallest man in the world."

"Oh, that's brilliant."

A couple of minutes later, Quasimodo comes in with a face like thunder.

And he says, "You all right, Quasimodo?"

He says, "No, who the fuck is Piers Morgan?"

LAUGHTER

To donate to Sport Relief right now, just text JOKE to 70005

and Sport Relief will get five pounds to help transform

the lives of poor and vulnerable people,

both in the UK and some of the world's poorest countries.

Texts cost five pounds plus your standard network message charge

and the whole five pounds goes to Sport Relief.

You must be 16 or over and please do ask the bill payer's permission.

For full terms and conditions and more information,

go to bbc.co.uk/sportrelief.

Elderly man goes to the doctor's.

And the doctor requires him to give a sperm sample.

So the doctor says to him, gives him a jar, "Take that home,

"come back tomorrow with your sperm sample." He said, "Yeah, no problem."

So he jumps on the bus, gets himself back home.

Comes back the following day, nothing in the jar.

So the doctor said, "What happened?" He said, "Quite simple."

He said, "I went home,

"I tried it with my right hand, no luck.

"I tried it with my left hand, no luck."

He said, "I even got the wife involved.

"She tried both her hands, still no luck.

"She tried it with her mouth, still no luck.

"So he went next door to the lady next door, one of the neighbours.

"She tried it with both hands, no luck.

"She tried it with her mouth, no luck.

"Even tried it between her knees.

"And not one of us could get the damn lid off the jar!"

LAUGHTER

Get on a train, St Pancras, going to that beautiful town called Luton.

Was sitting in a compartment, lovely lady opposite.

Got a newspaper, reading a newspaper.

First station we come to,

she rolls up one of the pages of the newspaper, throws it out the window.

It was a surprising thing to do. Next station, Mill Hill.

Does the same thing, rolls up a piece of paper, throws it out the window.

Next station, we come to Hendon, same thing. And it goes on.

Redbourne, Harpenden, and at the end of the day,

the curiosity overtakes me.

I say to her, "Excuse me asking, I don't want to be too nosy,

"but you've done that every station on the way to Luton.

"Apart from it being not quite right that you should do that

"and litter the countryside, could you tell me,

"please, I've got to know, why do you do that?"

She said, "It's to keep the elephants away."

"But there are no elephants."

"Yeah, I know. Simple, but effective, isn't it?"

LAUGHTER

One day I met a fairy who said to me that she would grant me one wish.

I said, "I want to live for ever."

She said, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said,

"I want to die when Scunthorpe United win the Premiership."

The fairy said, "You crafty sod!"

LAUGHTER

So I went to do an after-dinner speech in Liverpool

and I pulled up in my car and there was a young 12-year-old lad

stood there with his hands in his pockets.

He said, "Excuse me, mate, can I mind your car for a tenner?"

I said, "It's all right, mate, I've got my Alsatian with me."

He said, "What, can he put fires out?"

LAUGHTER

A black piece of tarmac goes into a bar

and he said to the barman, "I want a drink, now."

He said, "Cos I'm the hardest person in here

"and I will fight anybody who wants to fight me."

So the barman gives him a drink and he walks up to the corner

and starts drinking.

About five minutes later, a red piece of tarmac comes in.

And he goes up to the barman and says, "I am the hardest person

"in here and I'll fight anybody who wants to fight me.

"Give me a drink now."

So the barman gives him a drink.

And he drinks his drink and goes out.

The barman walks up to the black piece of tarmac.

He says, "I thought you was the hardest person."

He said, "Why didn't you fight him?"

He says, "I'm not fighting him, he's a cycle path!"

LAUGHTER

I wanted to introduce some yoga here at the training ground

and I said to the boys, I asked them how flexible they are.

And they said they can't do Tuesdays.

LAUGHTER

When I was about 19 I got in the Chesterfield first team,

we played Mansfield away. And we're getting off the bus

and I'm big time Charlie, I've just got in the first team.

I've got my gear on and all that. I look smart.

And I get off the bus, there's about five or six young girls there

and I look at one, I said, "Darling, where have you been all my life?"

And she looked at me and she went, "Hiding!"

And I went like that!

All my mates... Killed me!

Ah ha-ha. She was a redhead. No hair, just a red head.

She had blonde hair all down her back.

None on her head, just down her back. Ha har, it's the way I tell them!

That was Frank Carson, weren't it?!

Why did the lobster get thrown out of the pub?

He was giving it all that!

Breaking news. Wayne Rooney's asked for a transfer.

David Moyes has asked him to put it in writing.

That's the end of that one, then!

LAUGHTER

Got a bit of bad news the other day.

A friend of mine went out for a curry, became violently ill,

taken to hospital.

He's stable now, but is still in a Korma!

LAUGHTER

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant!

LAUGHTER

I've just written a song about a tortilla.

Well, it's a bit more of a wrap, really!

LAUGHTER

All right, fellas?

What does a cow say with no lips?

"Ooooh!"

LAUGHTER

What's the funniest thing in the kitchen?

The washer, cos it takes the piss out of your knickers!

LAUGHTER

Very bad!

So a man wins the Lottery and his big wish,

all he's wanted to do all his life was go to the wilds of Canada

and, you know, go hunting the big grizzly bear.

So anyway, he sets out and he hears about this infamous grizzly bear

that's never been caught.

Everyone's tried, but never succeeded in bringing him down.

Five, six days, he's trekking.

He comes upon this hunting lodge, he staggers into it, exhausted.

And the fella said, "I've won the Lottery,

"my biggest joy is that I want to go out and hunt the grizzly."

He said, "You haven't come about Old Angry, have you,

"with the scar above his eyes?" He said, "Yes. It's what I've come for."

He says, "I'd advise you not to. there's plenty of bears round here, go and do that."

He said, "Well, I want to go for Old Angry."

He said, "Well, I wouldn't do it, but OK." He said, "What have you got?

"What's the best you've got?"

The fella opens this cabinet, brings out this beautiful shot gun.

Side by side. He said, "When you get there, load both barrels.

"As soon as there's any movement, ppppphhh! Give him the heat."

So anyway, off he goes. Two days trekking.

All of a sudden, he hears this sound in the trees.

The trees part, he thinks he sees it. He goes, psshhht, pssshhht!

Both barrels. Five, six minutes, it all quietens down.

Can't see anything.

He looks around, Old Angry's there, standing above him.

He says, "You know the rules of the jungle, you tried to get to me,

"you know, I'm going to do what I want to you."

He said, "Bend over the log," he said, "I'm..."

So, Old Angry has his wicked way with him.

Anyway, he crawls back to the hunting lodge.

He said, "What, Old Angry got you?

He said, "Yeah." Tell you what, here you go. Kalashnikov.

57 rounds. As soon as it moves give it these.

Two more days trekking, movement in the trees.

10 or 15 minutes before it all settles.

He looks round. Old Angry's there. He said, "You know the rules.

"And this is your second time."

Bends over the log, has his wicked way with him twice.

Two days it takes him. He's crawling back.

He said, "Has Old Angry got you again?" "Afraid he has." "Well, this is the last thing."

Bazooka he puts on there. He said, "Lock and load."

Two days trekking off into the woods.

Snow and everything.

Eventually, after two and a half days there's a bit of movement.

Trees...

An hour later it all settles down.

Looks round and Old Angry says,

"You're not here for the hunting, are you?"

LAUGHTER

I went to my doctor's last week and he says, "Come in.

"Can I help you?" I says, "Yeah, I've got a problem."

He says, "What is it on?" "I actually think I'm a cowboy."

He says, "A cowboy?

How long have you been feeling like that for?" I says, "About a Yeehaw!"

LAUGHTER

There's a guy who goes to the doctor's.

He says, "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things."

He says, "OK, I'm going to give you a prescription

"and if they don't work can you get me a colour television?"

LAUGHTER

A fellow goes to the doctor's and says, "I feel like a dog."

And he goes, "How long for?" Ever since I was a puppy.

He said, "OK, jump up on the couch and let me have a look."

He said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

SARCASTIC LAUGHTER

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decides to play

a game of football against each other.

During the first half the big animals were winning.

But in the second half the centipede scored

so many goals that the little animals won the game.

After the match a horse walked over to the centipede

and said, "Where were you during the first half?"

And the centipede said, "I was putting all my boots on."

LAUGHTER

The very first joke I ever learned and understood was this one.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

So he could climb in the cherry tree.

LAUGHTER

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

I'm having trouble spelling Armageddon. Oh, well.

It's not the end of the world.

Paddy and Murphy are in the pub having a drink.

And they're arguing who's the biggest liar.

Paddy says to Murphy, "I'm a bigger liar than you."

Murphy says, "No, you're not." He says, "I am." He says, "You're not."

He says, "I am."

He says, "Last week I went over Niagara Falls in a wheelbarrow."

And Murphy says, "I know. I seen you."

LAUGHTER

Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back for seconds.

A fellow turns up at the circus and he goes,

"I was always interested in being a lion tamer.

"I don't know what you do about that. But I'd like to do it."

So the bloke says, "Come in.

"The fellow that does it all is through there."

So they go through there. Go in the big ring.

Fellow's in there. Lion in there.

He says, "I've been interested in doing this lion taming bit.

"How do you go about it?" He says, "It's easy.

"People think it's hard but it's not.

"Come in here with me." And the lion is in there.

And he went, "Right there in the middle on the chair. It's in there.

"You just walk round it with a whip. It's easy."

He said, "What if it gets off that stool?" He went, "No worries.

"Just take a step back, crack the whip

"and he'll jump straight back on it." He went, "But what if it don't?

"What if it comes another step towards you?" He went, "Don't worry.

"Take another step back, crack the whip two times and straight back on.

"Never a problem."

He went, "But what if it don't and it's still coming towards you?"

He went, "Take another step back crack it three times.

"It will go back on."

He went, "What if I can't go back?

"What if there's no more room?" He went, "Don't worry about that.

"Pick up a handful of shit and throw it straight in his face."

He went, "What if there isn't any?" He went, "There fucking will be."

LAUGHTER