Some Football Managers with Jokes Some People with Jokes


Some Football Managers with Jokes

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Guy arrives at the gates of heaven, where he's greeted by Saint Peter.

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And Saint Peter says to him,

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"Right, tell me something about your life

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"and anything you've done that's good in your life."

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So the man's standing there about five minutes.

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He's racking his brains, can't think of anything.

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"OK," said Saint Peter, "Let's have a little go at bravery.

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"Anything you've done in your life that's brave?"

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He said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm a referee by trade

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"and I was refereeing a game at Anfield, Liverpool versus Everton.

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"And 90 minutes, almost 90 minutes had gone by, 89 minutes had gone by

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"and there was a penalty decision I had to make in front of the Kop.

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"And it was a penalty for Everton and I gave the penalty.

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"And I thought, how brave was that?"

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So Saint Peter said, "Yeah, I've got to say, that was brave."

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He said, "How long ago was this?" He said, "About three minutes ago!"

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, so there's two old football fans, they're in the park

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and they're feeding the pigeons.

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And they're having a good chat, chatting away about football.

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And one says to the other, "Do you know what, Alan?" He says,

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"Do you think there's any football in heaven?"

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He said, "Well, I'm not sure, Mikey,

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"but, you know, surely there must be."

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He says, "I tell you what, why don't we have a pact?

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"That whenever one of us dies first, when they go to heaven

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"and they find out if there's football or not,

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"they come back and let the other one know."

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He said, "That's brilliant, what a great idea."

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So sure enough, Alan passes away and goes to heaven.

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A couple of months later, he hears this voice shouting at him.

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"Mikey, Mikey!" And Mikey turns round and says,

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"Is that you, Alan?" He says, "Yes, it is."

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He says, "Oh, Alan, did you find out about the football in heaven?"

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He said, "Yeah, I did." And he went, "And?" So he says, "Good news!"

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He said, "What is it?" "There is football in heaven!"

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He says, "That's fantastic." He says, "Yeah, there's some bad news,

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though." He says, "What?" He says, "You're in goals on Sunday, pal!"

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LAUGHTER

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So a teacher at a Southampton school asked her class who supported

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Southampton Football Club.

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They all raised their hands, except one young lad.

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And the teacher said to him, "Well, who do you support?"

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He said, "I support Portsmouth.

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"Because my mum and dad are Portsmouth supporters."

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And the teacher said to him, "If your mum and dad were morons,

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"would you be a moron?"

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"No," said the lad, "then I'd be a Southampton fan!"

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LAUGHTER

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A man goes for an interview

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and at the interview he's asked what his worst quality is.

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He thinks for a minute and then he goes, "Phhhh, I'm too honest."

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And the interviewer says,

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"Well, honesty, I think that's a good quality."

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And the man says, "I couldn't give a shit what you think!"

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LAUGHTER

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What do you call a sleep walking nun? A Roaming Catholic!

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LAUGHTER

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Did you ever hear about that movie, Constipation?

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Well, it never came out.

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LAUGHTER

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What's brown and sits in the forest?

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Winnie's poo.

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LAUGHTER

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The kids have threw up all over the place this morning.

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I told them I put ginger in the curry.

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They loved that cat.

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LAUGHTER

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Little camel, he says to his mum, "Mum, you know,

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"I feel a little bit like a girl." She says, "Why do you feel that way?"

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He says, "Well, what are these cushioned hooves for?"

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She says, "Well, as camels, when we go thousands

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"and thousands of miles through the desert, you know, we get blisters.

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"And these cushioned hooves protect you from getting blisters.

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"You know?"

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He says, "Oh, OK." He says, "And what about this thing on my back?

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"This hump?"

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She says, "Well, you know, when we go thousands

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"and thousands of miles through the desert, that stores your food.

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"Your milk, your water, and that restores your energy."

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"Oh, OK. All right, I get that, yes. One last one, Mum.

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"What about these wee girlie eyelashes?"

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She says, "Son, when we go thousands and thousands of miles through

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"the desert, it frequently whips up these sandstorms.

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"And these eyelashes protect you from getting sand in your eyes."

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He says, "Well, what the hell are we doing in Edinburgh zoo?!"

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LAUGHTER

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A man goes home to his wife one day and she said to him,

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"Why don't you just pack your bags and leave, you lazy bastard?"

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He said, "You pack them!"

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LAUGHTER

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In the doctor's the other day, I said,

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"Doctor, I keep having this dream, this recurring dream.

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"All these beautiful women are running at me.

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"And I just keep pushing them away with my arms."

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And the doctor said, "Well, what do you want me to do?"

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I said, "Well, is there something you could do with my arms?"

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LAUGHTER

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I didn't believe it when they said my dad was stealing

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from his job as a road worker.

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But when I got home, all the signs were there!

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LAUGHTER

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So Paddy and Murphy were walking down the street

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and they hear about this job opportunity in St John's Wood.

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So Paddy says to Murphy, "Hey, Murph, you wait in the pub,

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"I'll go down and see about this job opportunity."

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He goes to this building site and knocks on the manager's door.

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He said, "Excuse me, I'm Paddy from Limerick.

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"I've come about the brick laying job here on site."

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He said, "Well, this is St John's Wood, it's a very upmarket area.

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"Really upmarket.

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"And what we want, we want some interaction between, you know,

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"the construction workers and the clientele."

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He said, "Do you read much, you know, about poetry and things like that?"

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He said, "I don't know much about poetry, I'm from Limerick."

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He said, "Well, tell you what, run me a line of bricks

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"and let me see."

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He runs a line of bricks and he said, "I've got to say, Paddy, that is

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"one of the finest lines of bricks I've ever seen."

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He said, "I tell you what, I'll give you a word, and if you can make

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"a little sentence or a ditty out of that word, you've got the job."

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He said, "OK, Sir, what's the word?"

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He said, "Well, the word is donkey jacket."

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He said, "Oh, dear," he said, "Oh! I've got the very thing.

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"I've got an old brown donkey jacket, I got it from my mate.

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"It keeps me warm in winter, it never makes me late."

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He said, "You've got the job!"

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So Paddy turns round, sprints back to the pub.

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He says, "Hey, Murph, that building site, now listen to this.

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"Donkey jacket. I've got an old brown donkey jacket, got it from my mate.

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"Keeps you warm in winter, never makes me late."

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So Murphy, "Excuse me, sir, Murphy from Limerick, come about the job."

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He said, "Well, it's a very upmarket area. St John's Wood.

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"A lot of, you know, high net worth individuals, a lot of people

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"from the BBC, you know, work around this area. Lovely place."

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He said, "So what I want you to do is", he says,

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"do you know much about literature and about poetry?"

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He said, "Oh, nothing about poetry, sir. I'm from Limerick."

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He said, "Well, tell you what, run me a line of bricks

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"and I'll see how you can do." So he runs his line of bricks.

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He said, "I've got to say, Murphy,

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"that's an absolutely sensational line of bricks."

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He said, "I'll tell you what, I'll give you a word and if you can

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"make a little ditty or sentence out of that word, you've got the job."

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He said, "Yes, sir, what would be the word?"

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He said, "The word is fascinate."

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"Oh," he said, "Jesus Christ! Oh, I've got the very thing.

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"I've got an old brown donkey jacket, I've got it from my mate.

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"It's got ten buttons but I can only fasten eight!"

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LAUGHTER

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Mrs Mankovich, I like long names, she was in court for shoplifting

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two tins of peaches from the local supermarket.

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The judge very solemnly pronounces, "Mrs Mankovich,

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"the judgment is that you go to prison for six days.

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"You had two tins of peaches, there was three peaches in each tin.

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"That's six days."

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All of a sudden, a voice at the back of the court, it was Mr Mankovich.

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Shouts out as loud as possible, "She also stole two tins of peas, Judge!"

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LAUGHTER

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So it's Prince Charles' birthday.

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And he's going to the Palace, to see his mum, he's going

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to have a big do and he's late.

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He's well late and he goes steaming through the gates,

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round the back of the big house. Straight over a corgi.

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And he looks, he thinks, "Oh, no!

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"I don't know what I'm going to do, she's going to go mad now. I'm late."

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Gets out of the car, and the corgi's flat. He's gone right over it.

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And he's really panicking. All of a sudden, a genie appears.

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And he looks round, he goes, "Son, you're lucky, I'm a genie.

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"And because you're royalty, you get one wish in your life,

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"one wish at an opportune moment. And I've just appeared now."

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He went, "Oh, that's fantastic."

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He said, "That corgi down there," he said, "My mum is going to go mad."

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He went, "I'm late for this do," he said, "I've gone over the corgi.

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"Can you put it back together again for me?"

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So the genie looks at it and he walks round it, its tail over there,

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its head there, its leg there.

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He goes, "I'll be honest with you, mate, I'm only a genie,

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"I ain't a magician."

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He went, "I can't do anything with that, you've got no chance."

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So he went, "I don't know what to do, then, I'm struggling."

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So he goes to get back in the car and the genie said,

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"Hold on a minute, you've still got a wish.

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"Is there something else you want?" So he goes, "I don't know.

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"I tell you what, my Camilla..." He said, "Yeah?"

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He said, "Could you make her the prettiest woman in the world,

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"admired by everybody?"

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And the genie goes, "I tell you what, let's have another look at that dog!"

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LAUGHTER

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There's this farmer,

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and it's the middle of winter and all these cows are frozen.

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And he's stood there, looking at all these cows,

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and he doesn't know what to do.

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A little old lady comes walking past and she's got a little

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trolley behind her. And she goes, "Oh, can I help?"

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He goes, "All my cows are frozen, I don't know what to do."

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So she says, "Look, don't worry, dear, I'll sort it out."

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So she puts her trolley down, goes into the field,

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goes up to the first cow and blows lightly on it. Phhh.

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And the cow defrosts in front of his eyes.

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She goes up to the next one, she blows lightly on it. Phhhh.

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And the second cow defrosts in front of his eyes.

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She does that to all the cows in the field. This guy's ecstatic.

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He goes, "That's absolutely amazing!"

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He said, "Look, can I take your name and number,

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"just in case it happens again?" She said, "Look, yes.

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"My number's 684 7748. And my name is Thora Hird!"

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LAUGHTER

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That takes me forward to the story about the little polar bear,

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who said, "Mummy, am I a real polar bear?"

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She said, "Son, of course you are.

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"You know what, you're pedigree, you're a fully fledged polar bear.

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"You've got to stop asking me about these questions, you're annoying me.

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"Away and talk to your dad." So he said, "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"

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He says, "Yes, son, why are you asking that?"

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He said, "Was there not a wee bit of brown bear in me?

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"Or grizzly, you know, or black bear? Koala bear, even."

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He said, "Son, you're a polar bear through and through.

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"Why are you asking me all these questions?"

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He says, "Cos I'm bloody freezing!"

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LAUGHTER

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Two monkeys in a bath.

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One monkey turns to the other one and goes,

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"Oooh ooh oooh ooh aaah aaahh aaahh!"

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And the other one says, "Well, put some more cold in, then!"

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LAUGHTER

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Two aerials met on a roof. Fell in love, got married.

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The ceremony was rubbish, the reception was brilliant!

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LAUGHTER

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A fella goes in the pub one night, stood at the bar, orders his pint.

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And there's a bird stood next to him.

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And as he's ordered his pint of lager, her eye pops out.

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Coming down onto the floor.

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He grabs it, catches it, gives it back to her. She pops it back in.

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As the pint comes back, the woman says, "I'll pay for that,"

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and buys him a beer. "Oh, fantastic, thanks very much."

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So they have a bit of banter.

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Buy each other a few more drinks, get to the end of the night and

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she says to the guy, "Do you fancy coming back to my place?"

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So the fella's gone, "All right then, I'll come back."

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Anyway, six o'clock in the morning, he thinks it's time to get up

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and go off to work.

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He says to the bird, "Do you always take blokes back on the first date?"

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And she said, "Only those that catch my eye!"

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LAUGHTER

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Lionel Messi is in a bar in Barcelona,

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where he sees this beautiful, beautiful woman.

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He goes over and starts chatting to her.

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She invites him back to her place. Things are going really well.

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Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

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And the woman tells him to get comfortable on the bed

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while she goes to the bathroom to freshen up.

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She comes back to find Messi in bed with two fellas, who are nude.

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She turns round and says to Messi, "What the hell is going on?"

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"I'm really, really very sorry,

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"but I just can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta!"

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LAUGHTER

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What team does a pirate support?

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Aaaar-senal!

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LAUGHTER

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Got it?

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Why would Cinderella not be good at football?

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Because she runs away from the ball! And the coach is a pumpkin!

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One day, a bank robber walks into a bank.

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He goes in with a sack, throws it to the teller

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and demands that he fills it full of cash. He turns and he walks away.

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As he does so, a brave young man jumps up

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and rips the hood off the top of his head.

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The bank robber coolly looks round and shoots the man.

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He looks round the bank to see if anybody else has seen his face.

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And a teller is looking straight at him.

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He walks across and coolly kills him.

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He turns and he walks away and he screams,

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"Has anybody else seen my face?" And it's all very quiet.

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Until a little old fella in the far corner tentatively raises his arm

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and says, "I think my wife might have caught a glimpse!"

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LAUGHTER

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There was a guy who died and his best mate wanted to give him

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a send-off in the paper. And he was a bit tight, this lad.

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I won't tell you where he come from.

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But anyhow, he rung the newspaper up and he said to the girl on

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the ads desk, "Can you put this in about my mate, Isaac?"

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He said, "He's died and passed away peacefully in his sleep

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"at the age of so-and-so.

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"Rest in peace." And she said, "Yeah."

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"How much will that be?" he said.

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So she's worked it out and she said, "About 45 quid."

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He said, "45 quid for that?"

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She said, "Well, you are allowed up to 50 letters."

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So he went, "Oh, right."

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So he took a deep breath and thought about it.

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And he said, "Well, in that case,

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"could you put in Isaac so-and-so, passed away peacefully in his sleep.

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"Rest in peace. Full stop.

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"And then, 1953 Ford Cortina, needs quite a bit of restoration.

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"250 quid or nearest offer."

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LAUGHTER

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What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

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You can't tuna fish!

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LAUGHTER

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I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it.

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It was a Shih Tzu.

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LAUGHTER

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What do you call two spiders that have just got married?

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Newly webs.

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What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?

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Half a cat.

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LAUGHTER

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A real good mate of mine met his dream girl on holiday.

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They spent every minute together in the sun.

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On the last night, he said, "I've got a confession to make.

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"I'm crazy and obsessed about golf and I'm wondering

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"whether this may be a problem to you.

0:15:400:15:42

"If it is, perhaps we ought to call it a day."

0:15:420:15:44

The girl immediately responded and said,

0:15:440:15:47

"I also have a confession to make. I'm a hooker."

0:15:470:15:50

My mate immediately replied, "It's probably because you don't keep

0:15:500:15:54

"your left wrist straight."

0:15:540:15:56

LAUGHTER

0:15:560:15:59

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb

0:15:590:16:01

and Quasimodo are in the pub having a drink together.

0:16:010:16:04

Sleeping Beauty says, "I don't think there's any doubt

0:16:040:16:07

"that I'm the most beautiful lady in the world."

0:16:070:16:09

And Tom Thumb says, "Well,

0:16:090:16:10

"I don't think there's any doubt I'm the smallest person in the world."

0:16:100:16:14

And Quasimodo says, "Well, unfortunately,

0:16:140:16:16

"I don't think there's any doubt I'm the most repulsive in the world."

0:16:160:16:19

So they're having a chat, he says, "I tell you what, why don't we ring

0:16:190:16:22

"the Guinness book of records and put it to bed,

0:16:220:16:24

"know exactly if that's the case?"

0:16:240:16:26

So, Sleeping Beauty comes back in.

0:16:260:16:28

She says, "Listen, I am the most beautiful lady in the world."

0:16:280:16:31

He says, "That's brilliant, Sleeping Beauty."

0:16:310:16:33

So Tom Thumb then comes back in and says, "Guess what?" He says, "What, Tom?"

0:16:330:16:36

He says, "I am the smallest man in the world."

0:16:360:16:38

"Oh, that's brilliant."

0:16:380:16:40

A couple of minutes later, Quasimodo comes in with a face like thunder.

0:16:400:16:44

And he says, "You all right, Quasimodo?"

0:16:440:16:46

He says, "No, who the fuck is Piers Morgan?"

0:16:460:16:49

LAUGHTER

0:16:490:16:50

To donate to Sport Relief right now, just text JOKE to 70005

0:16:590:17:04

and Sport Relief will get five pounds to help transform

0:17:040:17:07

the lives of poor and vulnerable people,

0:17:070:17:09

both in the UK and some of the world's poorest countries.

0:17:090:17:12

Texts cost five pounds plus your standard network message charge

0:17:120:17:16

and the whole five pounds goes to Sport Relief.

0:17:160:17:19

You must be 16 or over and please do ask the bill payer's permission.

0:17:190:17:22

For full terms and conditions and more information,

0:17:220:17:25

go to bbc.co.uk/sportrelief.

0:17:250:17:29

Elderly man goes to the doctor's.

0:17:370:17:39

And the doctor requires him to give a sperm sample.

0:17:390:17:42

So the doctor says to him, gives him a jar, "Take that home,

0:17:420:17:45

"come back tomorrow with your sperm sample." He said, "Yeah, no problem."

0:17:450:17:48

So he jumps on the bus, gets himself back home.

0:17:480:17:51

Comes back the following day, nothing in the jar.

0:17:510:17:54

So the doctor said, "What happened?" He said, "Quite simple."

0:17:540:17:56

He said, "I went home,

0:17:560:17:58

"I tried it with my right hand, no luck.

0:17:580:18:01

"I tried it with my left hand, no luck."

0:18:010:18:03

He said, "I even got the wife involved.

0:18:030:18:05

"She tried both her hands, still no luck.

0:18:050:18:07

"She tried it with her mouth, still no luck.

0:18:070:18:10

"So he went next door to the lady next door, one of the neighbours.

0:18:100:18:13

"She tried it with both hands, no luck.

0:18:130:18:15

"She tried it with her mouth, no luck.

0:18:150:18:17

"Even tried it between her knees.

0:18:170:18:19

"And not one of us could get the damn lid off the jar!"

0:18:190:18:22

LAUGHTER

0:18:220:18:23

Get on a train, St Pancras, going to that beautiful town called Luton.

0:18:250:18:29

Was sitting in a compartment, lovely lady opposite.

0:18:290:18:31

Got a newspaper, reading a newspaper.

0:18:310:18:33

First station we come to,

0:18:330:18:35

she rolls up one of the pages of the newspaper, throws it out the window.

0:18:350:18:39

It was a surprising thing to do. Next station, Mill Hill.

0:18:390:18:43

Does the same thing, rolls up a piece of paper, throws it out the window.

0:18:430:18:47

Next station, we come to Hendon, same thing. And it goes on.

0:18:470:18:51

Redbourne, Harpenden, and at the end of the day,

0:18:510:18:53

the curiosity overtakes me.

0:18:530:18:55

I say to her, "Excuse me asking, I don't want to be too nosy,

0:18:550:18:59

"but you've done that every station on the way to Luton.

0:18:590:19:03

"Apart from it being not quite right that you should do that

0:19:030:19:06

"and litter the countryside, could you tell me,

0:19:060:19:09

"please, I've got to know, why do you do that?"

0:19:090:19:12

She said, "It's to keep the elephants away."

0:19:120:19:15

"But there are no elephants."

0:19:150:19:17

"Yeah, I know. Simple, but effective, isn't it?"

0:19:170:19:20

LAUGHTER

0:19:200:19:22

One day I met a fairy who said to me that she would grant me one wish.

0:19:220:19:27

I said, "I want to live for ever."

0:19:270:19:30

She said, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

0:19:300:19:33

"Fine," I said,

0:19:330:19:35

"I want to die when Scunthorpe United win the Premiership."

0:19:350:19:39

The fairy said, "You crafty sod!"

0:19:390:19:41

LAUGHTER

0:19:410:19:42

So I went to do an after-dinner speech in Liverpool

0:19:440:19:46

and I pulled up in my car and there was a young 12-year-old lad

0:19:460:19:49

stood there with his hands in his pockets.

0:19:490:19:51

He said, "Excuse me, mate, can I mind your car for a tenner?"

0:19:510:19:55

I said, "It's all right, mate, I've got my Alsatian with me."

0:19:550:19:58

He said, "What, can he put fires out?"

0:19:580:20:01

LAUGHTER

0:20:010:20:03

A black piece of tarmac goes into a bar

0:20:030:20:06

and he said to the barman, "I want a drink, now."

0:20:060:20:09

He said, "Cos I'm the hardest person in here

0:20:090:20:11

"and I will fight anybody who wants to fight me."

0:20:110:20:14

So the barman gives him a drink and he walks up to the corner

0:20:140:20:16

and starts drinking.

0:20:160:20:18

About five minutes later, a red piece of tarmac comes in.

0:20:180:20:21

And he goes up to the barman and says, "I am the hardest person

0:20:210:20:23

"in here and I'll fight anybody who wants to fight me.

0:20:230:20:26

"Give me a drink now."

0:20:260:20:28

So the barman gives him a drink.

0:20:280:20:29

And he drinks his drink and goes out.

0:20:290:20:31

The barman walks up to the black piece of tarmac.

0:20:310:20:33

He says, "I thought you was the hardest person."

0:20:330:20:35

He said, "Why didn't you fight him?"

0:20:350:20:37

He says, "I'm not fighting him, he's a cycle path!"

0:20:370:20:40

LAUGHTER

0:20:400:20:42

I wanted to introduce some yoga here at the training ground

0:20:420:20:45

and I said to the boys, I asked them how flexible they are.

0:20:450:20:48

And they said they can't do Tuesdays.

0:20:480:20:51

LAUGHTER

0:20:510:20:52

When I was about 19 I got in the Chesterfield first team,

0:20:540:20:56

we played Mansfield away. And we're getting off the bus

0:20:560:20:59

and I'm big time Charlie, I've just got in the first team.

0:20:590:21:02

I've got my gear on and all that. I look smart.

0:21:020:21:04

And I get off the bus, there's about five or six young girls there

0:21:040:21:06

and I look at one, I said, "Darling, where have you been all my life?"

0:21:060:21:10

And she looked at me and she went, "Hiding!"

0:21:100:21:14

And I went like that!

0:21:140:21:16

All my mates... Killed me!

0:21:160:21:19

Ah ha-ha. She was a redhead. No hair, just a red head.

0:21:190:21:23

She had blonde hair all down her back.

0:21:230:21:25

None on her head, just down her back. Ha har, it's the way I tell them!

0:21:250:21:28

That was Frank Carson, weren't it?!

0:21:280:21:30

Why did the lobster get thrown out of the pub?

0:21:300:21:33

He was giving it all that!

0:21:330:21:34

Breaking news. Wayne Rooney's asked for a transfer.

0:21:360:21:41

David Moyes has asked him to put it in writing.

0:21:410:21:45

That's the end of that one, then!

0:21:450:21:46

LAUGHTER

0:21:460:21:48

Got a bit of bad news the other day.

0:21:510:21:53

A friend of mine went out for a curry, became violently ill,

0:21:530:21:56

taken to hospital.

0:21:560:21:57

He's stable now, but is still in a Korma!

0:21:570:22:00

LAUGHTER

0:22:000:22:02

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

0:22:020:22:05

An irrelephant!

0:22:050:22:06

LAUGHTER

0:22:060:22:08

I've just written a song about a tortilla.

0:22:080:22:10

Well, it's a bit more of a wrap, really!

0:22:100:22:13

LAUGHTER

0:22:130:22:14

All right, fellas?

0:22:140:22:15

What does a cow say with no lips?

0:22:150:22:18

"Ooooh!"

0:22:180:22:19

LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:21

What's the funniest thing in the kitchen?

0:22:210:22:23

The washer, cos it takes the piss out of your knickers!

0:22:230:22:26

LAUGHTER

0:22:260:22:28

Very bad!

0:22:280:22:29

So a man wins the Lottery and his big wish,

0:22:350:22:38

all he's wanted to do all his life was go to the wilds of Canada

0:22:380:22:42

and, you know, go hunting the big grizzly bear.

0:22:420:22:44

So anyway, he sets out and he hears about this infamous grizzly bear

0:22:440:22:49

that's never been caught.

0:22:490:22:51

Everyone's tried, but never succeeded in bringing him down.

0:22:510:22:53

Five, six days, he's trekking.

0:22:530:22:55

He comes upon this hunting lodge, he staggers into it, exhausted.

0:22:550:22:59

And the fella said, "I've won the Lottery,

0:22:590:23:01

"my biggest joy is that I want to go out and hunt the grizzly."

0:23:010:23:04

He said, "You haven't come about Old Angry, have you,

0:23:040:23:06

"with the scar above his eyes?" He said, "Yes. It's what I've come for."

0:23:060:23:09

He says, "I'd advise you not to. there's plenty of bears round here, go and do that."

0:23:090:23:13

He said, "Well, I want to go for Old Angry."

0:23:130:23:15

He said, "Well, I wouldn't do it, but OK." He said, "What have you got?

0:23:150:23:18

"What's the best you've got?"

0:23:180:23:20

The fella opens this cabinet, brings out this beautiful shot gun.

0:23:200:23:24

Side by side. He said, "When you get there, load both barrels.

0:23:240:23:27

"As soon as there's any movement, ppppphhh! Give him the heat."

0:23:270:23:30

So anyway, off he goes. Two days trekking.

0:23:300:23:32

All of a sudden, he hears this sound in the trees.

0:23:320:23:35

The trees part, he thinks he sees it. He goes, psshhht, pssshhht!

0:23:350:23:38

Both barrels. Five, six minutes, it all quietens down.

0:23:380:23:42

Can't see anything.

0:23:420:23:44

He looks around, Old Angry's there, standing above him.

0:23:440:23:47

He says, "You know the rules of the jungle, you tried to get to me,

0:23:470:23:50

"you know, I'm going to do what I want to you."

0:23:500:23:53

He said, "Bend over the log," he said, "I'm..."

0:23:530:23:55

So, Old Angry has his wicked way with him.

0:23:550:23:57

Anyway, he crawls back to the hunting lodge.

0:23:570:24:00

He said, "What, Old Angry got you?

0:24:000:24:03

He said, "Yeah." Tell you what, here you go. Kalashnikov.

0:24:030:24:06

57 rounds. As soon as it moves give it these.

0:24:060:24:09

Two more days trekking, movement in the trees.

0:24:090:24:12

10 or 15 minutes before it all settles.

0:24:130:24:16

He looks round. Old Angry's there. He said, "You know the rules.

0:24:170:24:20

"And this is your second time."

0:24:200:24:22

Bends over the log, has his wicked way with him twice.

0:24:220:24:24

Two days it takes him. He's crawling back.

0:24:240:24:26

He said, "Has Old Angry got you again?" "Afraid he has." "Well, this is the last thing."

0:24:260:24:31

Bazooka he puts on there. He said, "Lock and load."

0:24:320:24:35

Two days trekking off into the woods.

0:24:350:24:38

Snow and everything.

0:24:380:24:39

Eventually, after two and a half days there's a bit of movement.

0:24:390:24:42

Trees...

0:24:440:24:46

An hour later it all settles down.

0:24:460:24:48

Looks round and Old Angry says,

0:24:500:24:52

"You're not here for the hunting, are you?"

0:24:520:24:55

LAUGHTER

0:24:550:24:56

I went to my doctor's last week and he says, "Come in.

0:24:580:25:01

"Can I help you?" I says, "Yeah, I've got a problem."

0:25:010:25:04

He says, "What is it on?" "I actually think I'm a cowboy."

0:25:040:25:09

He says, "A cowboy?

0:25:090:25:10

How long have you been feeling like that for?" I says, "About a Yeehaw!"

0:25:100:25:13

LAUGHTER

0:25:130:25:15

There's a guy who goes to the doctor's.

0:25:170:25:19

He says, "Doctor, I can't stop stealing things."

0:25:190:25:22

He says, "OK, I'm going to give you a prescription

0:25:230:25:26

"and if they don't work can you get me a colour television?"

0:25:260:25:29

LAUGHTER

0:25:290:25:31

A fellow goes to the doctor's and says, "I feel like a dog."

0:25:330:25:36

And he goes, "How long for?" Ever since I was a puppy.

0:25:360:25:40

He said, "OK, jump up on the couch and let me have a look."

0:25:400:25:43

He said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

0:25:430:25:45

SARCASTIC LAUGHTER

0:25:450:25:47

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decides to play

0:25:470:25:50

a game of football against each other.

0:25:500:25:53

During the first half the big animals were winning.

0:25:530:25:57

But in the second half the centipede scored

0:25:570:26:00

so many goals that the little animals won the game.

0:26:000:26:05

After the match a horse walked over to the centipede

0:26:050:26:07

and said, "Where were you during the first half?"

0:26:070:26:11

And the centipede said, "I was putting all my boots on."

0:26:110:26:15

LAUGHTER

0:26:150:26:17

The very first joke I ever learned and understood was this one.

0:26:180:26:23

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

0:26:250:26:29

So he could climb in the cherry tree.

0:26:310:26:33

LAUGHTER

0:26:330:26:34

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

0:26:370:26:39

I don't know and I don't care.

0:26:390:26:42

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

0:26:430:26:46

Because they taste funny.

0:26:460:26:47

I'm having trouble spelling Armageddon. Oh, well.

0:26:490:26:51

It's not the end of the world.

0:26:510:26:53

Paddy and Murphy are in the pub having a drink.

0:26:550:26:57

And they're arguing who's the biggest liar.

0:26:570:26:59

Paddy says to Murphy, "I'm a bigger liar than you."

0:26:590:27:02

Murphy says, "No, you're not." He says, "I am." He says, "You're not."

0:27:020:27:05

He says, "I am."

0:27:050:27:06

He says, "Last week I went over Niagara Falls in a wheelbarrow."

0:27:060:27:10

And Murphy says, "I know. I seen you."

0:27:100:27:12

LAUGHTER

0:27:120:27:14

Did you hear about the hungry clock?

0:27:160:27:18

It went back for seconds.

0:27:180:27:20

A fellow turns up at the circus and he goes,

0:27:220:27:26

"I was always interested in being a lion tamer.

0:27:260:27:29

"I don't know what you do about that. But I'd like to do it."

0:27:290:27:33

So the bloke says, "Come in.

0:27:330:27:35

"The fellow that does it all is through there."

0:27:350:27:37

So they go through there. Go in the big ring.

0:27:370:27:39

Fellow's in there. Lion in there.

0:27:390:27:41

He says, "I've been interested in doing this lion taming bit.

0:27:410:27:44

"How do you go about it?" He says, "It's easy.

0:27:440:27:46

"People think it's hard but it's not.

0:27:460:27:48

"Come in here with me." And the lion is in there.

0:27:480:27:51

And he went, "Right there in the middle on the chair. It's in there.

0:27:510:27:55

"You just walk round it with a whip. It's easy."

0:27:550:27:59

He said, "What if it gets off that stool?" He went, "No worries.

0:27:590:28:03

"Just take a step back, crack the whip

0:28:030:28:05

"and he'll jump straight back on it." He went, "But what if it don't?

0:28:050:28:10

"What if it comes another step towards you?" He went, "Don't worry.

0:28:100:28:14

"Take another step back, crack the whip two times and straight back on.

0:28:140:28:18

"Never a problem."

0:28:180:28:20

He went, "But what if it don't and it's still coming towards you?"

0:28:200:28:24

He went, "Take another step back crack it three times.

0:28:240:28:27

"It will go back on."

0:28:270:28:29

He went, "What if I can't go back?

0:28:290:28:30

"What if there's no more room?" He went, "Don't worry about that.

0:28:300:28:33

"Pick up a handful of shit and throw it straight in his face."

0:28:330:28:36

He went, "What if there isn't any?" He went, "There fucking will be."

0:28:360:28:39

LAUGHTER

0:28:390:28:41

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