Some Irish People with Jokes Some People with Jokes


Some Irish People with Jokes

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This old lady in Ireland, she had a little dog and the dog died.

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She'd no family, she was an orphan. She said to the local priest,

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"Father, she said, "Can I bury the dog inside the gate of the church?"

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"Sorry, madam," he says, "you cannot do that.

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"It's consecrated ground only," he said.

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"Well," she said, "I've never had anything in my life.

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"I'd no father or mother, no brothers or sisters."

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"I'm sorry," he says, "I can't do it."

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"Well," she said, "the Protestant vicar up the road, he won't refuse £500."

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And the priest said,

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"Hold on a moment, you never told me the dog was a Catholic."

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LAUGHTER

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Two blokes sitting in the pub, and Mick say to Paddy,

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"What's wrong with you? You look really miserable."

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"Ah," he says, "don't talk to me." "Well, come on," he says, "tell me."

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He says, "I'm fed up."

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So after a few minutes, Paddy says to Mick,

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"I tell you what to do."

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He says, "Go home, give the missus one,

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"and I'll meet you back here at seven o'clock."

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So anyway, seven o'clock comes and Paddy's waiting at the bar

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and in walks Mick with a big smile on his face.

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He says, "Well, how did you get on?"

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"Jesus," he says, "you've a lovely house."

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LAUGHTER

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There's a boy born and he's just a head.

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They were kind of hoping for more to come out, but he's just a head.

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The father is always a little bit embarrassed about it,

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doesn't really get seen with him out that much.

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But the boy's 18th birthday comes and the father said,

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"OK, it's about time I brought him for a pint."

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So he brings the head along to the bar and sits him up

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and says, "I'd like a pint, please, and one for the son as well."

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So, the barwoman pours a pint of stout, puts it in front of him

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and a pint of stout for the boy,

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and the father helps the boy to drink the stout.

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And he's drinking his own when he notices that there's something

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growing from the bottom of the boy's head, and it's a neck.

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And the boy says, "Give me more, Dad."

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"Another pint for the son."

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Pours another pint. Downs that pint, and now, sure enough,

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there's a torso sprouting from the neck.

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"Another!" And at this stage, the whole bar is looking. "Another pint!"

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And other paint is poured, and an arm sprouts, legs, the whole lot, ears.

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And the boy said, "I'm a boy, I'm a real boy!

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"I've legs, I've arms, I can walk."

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And he gets he gets off the stool and can walk.

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And the father is cheering

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and the boy goes out the front onto the street,

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"I'm a boy! I can walk! I can run!"

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And a car comes and knocks him down.

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And the barwoman looks up and says,

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"He should have quit while was a head."

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LAUGHTER

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So, there's these two lads playing golf.

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They play golf every Monday morning. They've been doing it for decades.

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Anyway, one morning one of them turns up, he's got a black eye.

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The other fella says to him, "Jesus, what happened?"

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He said, "Well, I was at Mass yesterday

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"and there was this woman in front of me

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"and she was wearing a very tight skirt and the back of it, there was

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"a bit of the skirt was tucked in between the cheeks of her bum,

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"so I thought I'd lean forward and pull it out.

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"She turned around, she smacked me in the face."

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Your man goes, "Yeah, I'm not surprised."

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So, they play their round of golf.

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Next week, Monday morning, your man turns up and this time,

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he's got the one eye which is still in recovery

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and he's got a fresh black eye on the other side of his face.

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So his friend says, "Did you do it again? What happened?"

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He said, "Well, I was at Mass,

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"standing behind the same woman, same thing had happened.

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"Now, I did nothing.

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"Fella next to me, he leant forward, pulled it out,

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"but I knew she didn't like it like that, so I pushed it back in."

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LAUGHTER

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Guy goes into the doctor's, he's got a problem.

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His langer is down to his knees.

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Doctor says, "OK, drop your trousers."

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So, he drops his trousers.

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He says, "There you are, Doctor, you can see my problem.

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"What can you give me for it?"

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The doctor said, "Hmm."

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Doctor walked over to the window, had a look out. He says, "Come here."

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Came over to the window, looked out.

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He says, "Do you see that silver Mercedes over there in the corner?"

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He says, "Yeah." He says, "I'll give you that for it."

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LAUGHTER

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A guy goes into a dentist.

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He said, "Got this killer of a toothache."

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He says, "Lie down there, and let me have a look at it."

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Opens up mouth and he says, "Oh, that'll have to come out."

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He gets on with the needle and all.

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The man says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going with that thing?"

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He says, "Just to numb your gums."

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He says, "No, no, no, needles are against my religion."

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The dentist says, "Right, right.

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"We'll do the gas, so, just a bit of gas on you."

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"Oh, no, no, no, that's against my religion as well."

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The dentist's there thinking and goes,

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"Right, only one thing for it, the old style."

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Pulls out a bottle of Jameson and says, "Get that into you."

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The man says, "No, no, drinking is against my religion."

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The dentist is getting rightly wound up now with the whole lot.

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So he's there thinking.

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He goes, "Viagra. What about Viagra? Is that against your religion?"

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He goes, "It's not, actually, no."

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He says, "Right, take two of them

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"and come back to me in three hours and 25 minutes. Apparently."

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And your man says, "Why? Will that kill the pain, will it?"

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"No, but it'll give you something to hold on to."

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LAUGHTER

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Mrs Smith's husband, he goes into hospital.

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He had this problem with premature ejaculation, which happens.

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So, he's had the operation

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and the wife has phoned up to find out the latest news.

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She says, "How's the husband?"

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The doctor says, "Mrs Smith, it's still touch and go."

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LAUGHTER

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This fella, little boy, he went to school one day

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and he came home from school and he says,

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"Dad, do you see our new maths teacher? She's like this."

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And his father says, "What? Big breasts?"

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He says, "No, arthritis."

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LAUGHTER

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A Scotsman and an Irish man are in hospital

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and their beds are facing one another.

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The Scotsman shouts to Paddy, with his thumb up like that, "Jock!"

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So, Paddy replies, "Paddy!"

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Everything goes quiet for a bit.

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And then the Scotsman puts his thumb up again and he says, "Cancer!"

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So, Paddy goes, put his thumb up, "Sagittarius!"

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LAUGHTER

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There was an 86-year-old man

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sitting on a park bench crying his heart out.

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So, this young man goes up to him, says, "What's the problem, sir?"

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And the old guy said, "I'm 86 years old.

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"I got married last week to a beautiful 23-year-old girl.

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And the guy says, "Well, that's good."

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"Yes," he said, "She can cook. "The house is always lovely.

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"She's there was a welcoming smile and we make love five times a week."

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And the young guy said, "Well, what's the problem?"

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He says, "I can't remember where I live!"

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LAUGHTER

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A guy takes his wife, his highly expectant wife,

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to Holles Street Hospital in Dublin to give birth

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and the guy in charge there,

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the head honcho says that he's invented a device,

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a kind of machine, that will transfer the pains of childbirth

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from the mammy to the daddy instead.

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So, the husband climbs up on the machine

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and the obstetrician starts it at the lowest possible setting.

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Bzzz!

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"Any pain?"

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"Not yet. Feeling fine."

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Bzzzzz!

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"Any pain?"

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Out shoots the baby, no pain.

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"Geronimo!" cries the obstetrician. "I'll be famous forever."

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The husband clambers down off the machine,

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beaming and proud of a job well done.

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Kisses for wife, and the bonny baby,

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and then he whistles his way merrily off home

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to find the milkman dead as a doorknob, lying across his doorstep.

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So, I was walking through a forest one night

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and a storm started brewing up.

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So, I ran through a trail and I came across a monastery

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and I knocked on the door and I said,

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"Help! Help! I need shelter for the night."

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And a monk came to the door and he goes, "My child, come in.

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"We've got a room, we'll put you up for the night."

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In the middle of the night I'm woken up -

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crash, bang, wallop, and screaming and roaring.

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So, I ran down the hallway,

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went to the door where the noise was coming from and said,

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"What's going on?" The monk comes to the door.

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He says, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

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So I'd to go back to my room, I went off.

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The following year, nearly to the day,

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walking through the same forest,

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a storm starts brewing up, I knew there was a monastery nearby.

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I knocked, I said, "Sorry about this again, caught out."

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He said, "No worries, come in. You know we've got a spare room."

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Fell asleep, lovely and cosy.

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Middle of the night - crash, bang, wallop, wailing, screaming, roaring.

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Ran down the hallway, knocked on the door, "What's going on?"

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He says, "Can't tell you, you're not a monk."

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Back to bed.

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The following year, in the meantime, I trained to be a monk.

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Wandering through the forest, peaceful,

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I've got birds in my hands, I'm being a monk.

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There was a storm brewing up again,

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should have learned my lesson, but here I am.

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Came to the door, knocked, "Have you got any shelter for the night?"

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He says, "Come in." Showed me to my room.

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Middle of the night - crash, bang, wallop, roars.

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Ran down the hallway, knocked on the door. I said, "What's going on?"

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He says, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

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I says, "Ha!"

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I pulled out a chalice and a chain and all sorts of monk paraphernalia.

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I said, "Aha, I am!"

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He says, "All right, come in."

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Do you want to know what it was? Can't tell you, you're not monks.

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LAUGHTER

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Two nuns, a reverend mother and a novice,

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said, "We'll go for a drink some night."

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So, they went off for a drink

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and on their way back the convent door was locked.

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"How are we going to get in?"

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"We'll have to climb the wall," she said.

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So they were climbing the wall

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and the young nun said to the reverend mother,

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"I feel like a commando."

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She said, "I do too, but where are we going to get one this hour of the night?"

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LAUGHTER

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It would be well known in the Irish community,

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particularly in the '50s and '60s when I came here,

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that most of the girls went to the Inisfree or the Garry Owen

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or any of those dance halls just to meet up with the men.

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Anyway, Paddy came along and he says to Mary, "All right for a dance?"

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Mary says, "Yes, that'll be fine."

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So he took a fancy to Mary, anyway, and he asked her up again.

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And then asked her up particularly for the last dance.

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And he says to her, "Would you like me to take you home?"

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"Oh, yes, Paddy, that'd be grand. Have you got a motorcar?"

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"Yes."

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So, on the way home, he decided to pull into a lay-by

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and decided to have his wicked way with her.

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And when he'd finished he said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mary,

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"Sure, God, if I'd known you were a virgin

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"I'd never have gone that far."

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And she said, "And if I knew you what you were after,

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"Paddy, I would have taken my tights off first.

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LAUGHTER

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So on this man's 90th birthday,

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the family got together and decided to treat him to a strip-o-gram.

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So, this beautiful lady came to the door

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and they got the old man to answer

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and she says, "I am here to give you super sex."

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He says, "What flavour soup have you got?"

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LAUGHTER

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It was the height of the mad cow BSE crisis

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and a man takes his wife out for a meal.

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They sit down, it's a very nice restaurant.

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The waiter comes over, "What would you like, sir?"

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"I'll have the beef, actually."

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"What about the mad cow?"

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"She'll have the same."

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LAUGHTER

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Young Mike came to London

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and the first place he went was the local pub.

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He was only there two minutes

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and a pint of Guinness is up in front of him, and he says,

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"Oh, where did that come from?"

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He says, "Nigel over there bought for you."

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He said, "That's grand, thanks very much."

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He said, "I've got to look now for somewhere to stay."

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Nigel said, "Look, you can stay here, you can stay

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"in my house for the night, no problem."

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He says, "Oh, that's grand. I'm only here five minutes,

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"people buying me drink and giving me accommodation."

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Off he went that night and he went to Nigel's house.

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Nigel went upstairs, came back down dressed as a schoolboy with a cane.

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He said, "You know," he says, "Nigel never went to school this morning."

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He says, "He'll have to be punished."

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"Oh, God, he says, I couldn't do that. You've been so good to me."

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"Look," he said, "Now, it's a fact,

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"never went to school this morning, must be smacked."

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All the lads met Mike in the pub the next day, and of course,

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they were all very interested in what happened the night before.

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"Tell us this," they says, "how did you get on with Nigel?"

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"Oh," he says, "I tell you one thing," he said,

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"he won't be late for school tomorrow!"

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LAUGHTER

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Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

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He worked it out with a pencil.

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LAUGHTER

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This millionaire, he died and went to heaven and met St Peter at the gate.

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So, St Peter said, "What good deeds did you do down there?"

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He said, "Well, I gave one man,

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"he was sleeping rough, I gave him a pound."

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He said, "Another blind beggar, I gave him a pound.

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"And there was another lady, she lost her purse,

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"and I give her a pound for her fare home."

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St Peter went in and told God and God told St Peter,

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"Give him his £3 and tell him, go to hell."

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APPLAUSE

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Paddy walked into a chemist

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and he said, "I want some deodorant, please."

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She said, "Ball, aerosol?"

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"No," he says, "for under my arms."

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LAUGHTER

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I was in a wee village in Donegal a few weeks ago

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and I thought to myself, "I'll take a walk into the town."

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And I saw a local sitting on the wall whittling at a wee bit of wood.

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So I walked over to him and says, "Excuse me, could you tell me

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"how long it would take me to walk into the town centre?"

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He kept on whittling the wood.

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I thought, "Maybe he didn't hear me." So, I raised my voice.

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I says, "Excuse me, could you tell me how long it'll take me

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"to walk into the town centre from here?"

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And he kept on.

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I says, "This guy's ignoring me."

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So, I went to walk away and he shouts, "Oi!"

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He says, "It'll take you about 20 minutes."

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I says, "I've asked you twice and you didn't answer me."

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He says, "I was waiting to see how fast you were walking."

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LAUGHTER

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You know it was the Irish that invented time?

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That's why they call it o'clock.

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GROANING

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McCarthy was reading the paper in the local pub with a pint of Guinness.

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He comes across the obituary page and to his astonishment,

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he reads that he was dead.

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So, he rings up his friend in astonishment,

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and he asks his friend, "Have you read the newspaper today?"

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And his friend says, "Yes, and where exactly are you ringing from?"

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LAUGHTER

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There were these two neighbours and one was Mary,

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and her neighbour came in and she said,

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"Oh, Mary, I've got terrible news."

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"Oh," she said, "what's that?"

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She said, "I sent Johnny down for a head of cabbage

0:16:010:16:05

"and he dropped dead."

0:16:050:16:07

"Oh, Mary, what did you do?"

0:16:070:16:08

She said, "I had to open a tin of peas."

0:16:080:16:10

LAUGHTER

0:16:100:16:14

Murphy was working a building site in London

0:16:150:16:17

and a crane swung around with a big skip of concrete on it,

0:16:170:16:20

and it cut Murphy's head off, sliced it off,

0:16:200:16:22

left it on the ground like a football.

0:16:220:16:24

The foreman said, "Bloody hell, I don't know where he lives. What am I going to do?"

0:16:240:16:27

Flannigan said, "Give me that head. I know where he lives."

0:16:270:16:30

Up he goes, picks the head up, he has it behind his back.

0:16:300:16:33

Knocks on the door, he says, "Are you Mrs Murphy?" She said, "I am."

0:16:330:16:36

"Does your husband work on a building site down town?" She said, "He does."

0:16:360:16:39

He said, "Has he got red hair?" She said, "He has."

0:16:390:16:41

"Does he wear glasses?" She said, "He does."

0:16:410:16:43

"Has he got an earring in his left ear?" She said, "He has."

0:16:430:16:46

He said, "Is that him?"

0:16:460:16:47

"No," she said, "he's taller than that."

0:16:470:16:49

LAUGHTER

0:16:490:16:52

We'll leave it at that, yeah?

0:16:520:16:54

So, it's the Last Supper and Jesus has all the apostles around him

0:16:580:17:03

and the main deal is over

0:17:030:17:05

and it's time for him to get a bit serious and he says,

0:17:050:17:09

"It has been a lovely evening.

0:17:090:17:12

"I tell you solemnly, this very evening,

0:17:120:17:16

"one of you seated around this table shall betray me."

0:17:160:17:20

And the apostles look at each other and go,

0:17:200:17:23

"Sure, come on, say something, John."

0:17:230:17:25

So John leans forward and says,

0:17:250:17:28

"Surely, not I, Jesus? Surely, not I?"

0:17:280:17:31

Jesus says, "I tell you solemnly,

0:17:310:17:33

"somebody seated around this table this very evening will betray me."

0:17:330:17:37

"Peter, go on!"

0:17:370:17:39

"Lord, surely, not I? Surely, not I?"

0:17:390:17:43

"I tell you solemnly,

0:17:430:17:44

"somebody seated around this table this very evening shall betray me."

0:17:440:17:49

So, Judas down the end is kind of thinking,

0:17:490:17:51

"I suppose I should say something."

0:17:510:17:54

"Surely, not I, Lord? Surely, not I?"

0:17:540:17:58

And Jesus looks at him and says...

0:17:580:18:00

-MOCKINGLY:

-"Surely, not I, Lord(!) Surely, not I(!)"

0:18:000:18:04

LAUGHTER

0:18:040:18:06

Two men were walking along Broadway.

0:18:060:18:09

One was called Liam Haughey. The other was called Frank McAdam.

0:18:090:18:13

As they were walking along,

0:18:130:18:15

they passed the FBI and they seen in the window,

0:18:150:18:18

"Detectives required."

0:18:180:18:19

So they said, "Why not? We'll go in and apply."

0:18:190:18:22

Frank went outside and waited while they interviewed Liam.

0:18:220:18:26

They asked Liam a few questions and as he was leaving they said,

0:18:260:18:30

"Oh, by the way," he said, "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

0:18:300:18:35

"Oh," he said, "I'm not so sure," he said.

0:18:350:18:37

"All right," he said, "Go out and tell your friend to come in."

0:18:370:18:41

So he went out and he said, "How did you get on?"

0:18:410:18:44

He said, "Quite good - they have me on a murder inquiry already."

0:18:440:18:48

LAUGHTER

0:18:480:18:51

I went to the doctor and I was suffering from wind

0:18:510:18:56

and I asked him had he got anything he could give me for wind.

0:18:560:19:00

And he gave a kite.

0:19:000:19:01

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:19:010:19:04

So I went home to the wife

0:19:040:19:08

and I was after coming in from the pub

0:19:080:19:12

and she says, "You look a bit flustered, Tom, what's the problem?"

0:19:120:19:16

I said, "That postman from our street, he was in the pub

0:19:160:19:19

"and he's bragging about making love to every woman on this street."

0:19:190:19:24

He said he's made love to every woman on this street bar one.

0:19:240:19:28

"Oh," she says, "I bet it's that stuck-up bitch in number ten."

0:19:280:19:33

LAUGHTER

0:19:330:19:36

I was working in behind the bar and this guy comes up and he goes,

0:19:360:19:40

"Are you the boss?"

0:19:400:19:42

Sambuca! Tequila! Jagermeister!

0:19:420:19:45

I mightn't be the boss, but I do call the shots around here.

0:19:450:19:49

LAUGHTER

0:19:490:19:52

My dad regularly drank with three of his friends,

0:19:520:19:56

and one of these friends was a bit of a bore and a bit of a know-all.

0:19:560:19:59

So, one night they put him to the test.

0:19:590:20:01

They blindfolded him, poured out four whiskies,

0:20:010:20:05

and he turned round and he said, "That's the Bushmills.

0:20:050:20:09

"That's the Bell's.

0:20:090:20:11

"Jameson's.

0:20:110:20:12

"Teacher's."

0:20:120:20:14

Spot on. So, they switched the glasses round again.

0:20:140:20:16

He said, "That the Teacher's."

0:20:160:20:18

"Bushmills.

0:20:180:20:20

"Bell's.

0:20:200:20:21

And Jameson."

0:20:210:20:22

Spot on! They switched them around again.

0:20:220:20:24

"That's the Jameson.

0:20:240:20:27

"That's the Bell's.

0:20:270:20:29

"That's the Bushmills."

0:20:290:20:31

He says, "That's...

0:20:310:20:33

"That's piss!"

0:20:330:20:35

"We know it's piss," they said, "But whose piss is it?"

0:20:350:20:38

LAUGHTER

0:20:380:20:40

There's an Irishman, an Englishman and an American in a pub

0:20:400:20:45

and they begin a conversation

0:20:450:20:47

about who they would like to be laid next to.

0:20:470:20:50

And the American goes first.

0:20:500:20:52

He said, "I'd like to be laid next to John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

0:20:520:20:56

"Ask not what your country can do for you,

0:20:560:20:59

"but ask what you can do for your country."

0:20:590:21:02

And there was a collective nod of approval.

0:21:020:21:04

And the Englishman said he'd like to be laid next to Winston Churchill.

0:21:040:21:08

"We'll fight them on the beaches, we'll fight them on the fields."

0:21:080:21:12

And again, there was a collective nod of approval.

0:21:120:21:14

And the Englishman said,

0:21:140:21:16

"Well, Seamus, who would you like to be laid next to?"

0:21:160:21:19

He said, "I'd like to be laid next to Coleen Rooney -

0:21:190:21:23

"you know, Wayne Rooney's wife?"

0:21:230:21:25

"We all know who Wayne Rooney's wife is. She's not dead!"

0:21:250:21:28

And Seamus said, "Neither am I."

0:21:280:21:32

LAUGHTER

0:21:320:21:35

This man, he was very vain and he was in the chemist shop one day.

0:21:350:21:40

He was thinking of buying vanishing cream, you know, ageing cream?

0:21:400:21:44

He asked the girl behind the counter, he says to her,

0:21:440:21:47

"What age do you think I am?"

0:21:470:21:50

She says, "Oh, I don't know." She says, "About 40?"

0:21:500:21:55

He says, "No, actually, I'm 45."

0:21:550:21:57

He goes into the paper shop next door

0:21:570:22:00

and says to the girl behind the counter there,

0:22:000:22:04

"What age do you think I am?"

0:22:040:22:06

And she says, "About 40?"

0:22:060:22:09

"Oh, no," he says, "I'm 45."

0:22:090:22:12

Walks down the road, stands at the bus stop

0:22:120:22:15

and there was this old lady, about 85.

0:22:150:22:18

He says, "Madam, can I ask you a question?

0:22:180:22:21

"What age do you think I am?"

0:22:210:22:22

She says, "Well, there's only one way to tell," she says.

0:22:220:22:26

And he says, "How is that?"

0:22:260:22:28

"Well," she says, if you loosen your trousers," she says,

0:22:280:22:31

"And I can put my hand there, down," she says, "I'll be able to tell."

0:22:310:22:36

So, he undoes his trousers and the old lady puts her hand down

0:22:360:22:41

and she looks up at the sky with a big smile on her.

0:22:410:22:44

She's down for about half a minute. She takes her hand back out.

0:22:440:22:47

"You're 45," she says.

0:22:470:22:49

"Oh, my God," he says. "How the hell did you know that?"

0:22:490:22:53

She says, "I was behind you in the queue in the chemist."

0:22:530:22:56

LAUGHTER

0:22:560:22:59

I came out of the shop the other day,

0:22:590:23:01

I was just getting in the car, and this young fella come up,

0:23:010:23:04

and he said, "Do you want to buy a sat nav?"

0:23:040:23:06

I told him to get lost.

0:23:060:23:08

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:23:080:23:11

This American tourist visited Ireland

0:23:110:23:14

on his way to find his ancestral home.

0:23:140:23:18

They hired a car. They headed for County Clare.

0:23:180:23:22

On the most rural part of Clare you could find, the car broke down

0:23:220:23:26

and there was no-one around, only two horses in a field.

0:23:260:23:29

One horse was looking out over the wall.

0:23:290:23:31

There was steam coming out of the bonnet

0:23:310:23:34

and he heard this voice say, "It's the fan belt."

0:23:340:23:37

So he looked around, and there was nobody around only this horse.

0:23:370:23:41

He got a pair of tights and he tied it on to the fan belt

0:23:410:23:45

and drove to the nearest garage.

0:23:450:23:47

And he says, "Funny thing happened to me when I broke down."

0:23:470:23:51

He said, "I heard this voice saying, 'It's the fan belt.'

0:23:510:23:54

"There was nobody around, only two horses."

0:23:540:23:56

And the mechanic says, "Was it a white horse or a black horse?"

0:23:560:24:00

"It was a black horse," he said.

0:24:000:24:01

"You're lucky, because the white horse knows nothing about cars."

0:24:010:24:05

LAUGHTER

0:24:050:24:06

There was this travelling salesman and he broke down

0:24:060:24:09

in the middle of nowhere and he headed up to this farmhouse

0:24:090:24:13

and he knocked on the door, and this farmer came to the door with a shot gun.

0:24:130:24:16

He says, "What the hell do you want?"

0:24:160:24:18

He says, "Excuse me, I've broken down. I need somewhere to rest for the night.

0:24:180:24:21

"You've a big house, do you mind if I stay?

0:24:210:24:23

The farmer says, "Absolutely no way."

0:24:230:24:24

He says, "You've got a big house, why not?"

0:24:240:24:26

He says, "Cos I've got two lovely daughters and I don't want you anywhere near them.

0:24:260:24:30

"But you can lie in that van out there

0:24:300:24:32

"and I'll send one of the girls out with blankets to you."

0:24:320:24:35

So, the two girls, one was Nellie, one was Jeanis.

0:24:350:24:39

He sent Nellie out with the blankets.

0:24:390:24:40

The two girls, they were 25, but they'd never seen a man before.

0:24:400:24:43

The woman seen the guy, and she fell in love with him straightaway.

0:24:430:24:48

So, they got together, had a little bit of jiggy-jiggy,

0:24:480:24:51

got out of the van, back in, and told Jeanis all about it.

0:24:510:24:55

Jeanis says, "If you're having some, I'm having some, too."

0:24:550:24:58

So, she went out to the van anyway, little bit of jiggy-jiggy,

0:24:580:25:01

back into the house, next morning, the travelling salesman wakes up

0:25:010:25:04

and he gives his business card to the farm.

0:25:040:25:06

He says, "Thank you very much for your hospitality.

0:25:060:25:08

"If you ever want me to return the favour, please get in contact."

0:25:080:25:11

Nothing was heard until about three months later,

0:25:110:25:13

and the travelling salesman got a letter from the farm that says,

0:25:130:25:16

Dear Sir... Are you the one that done the pushing,

0:25:160:25:19

left spots upon the cushion

0:25:190:25:20

and the footprints on the dashboard upside down?

0:25:200:25:22

Since being with our Nellie she's had trouble with her belly,

0:25:220:25:24

sir, I really think it's time you called around.

0:25:240:25:27

So, the guy panicked a little bit. He decided to write back.

0:25:270:25:30

He says, Dear Farmer...

0:25:300:25:31

Yes, I am the one that done the pushing and left the spots upon the cushion

0:25:310:25:34

and the footprints on the dashboard upside down

0:25:340:25:36

but since being with your Jeanis

0:25:360:25:37

I've had trouble with my penis,

0:25:370:25:39

so I think it's 50-50 all around.

0:25:390:25:41

APPLAUSE

0:25:410:25:43

A guy walks into a pub.

0:25:430:25:45

The landlord is in behind the bar and he's pulling pints,

0:25:450:25:48

chatting away to his customers.

0:25:480:25:50

Your man just stands there looking at him.

0:25:500:25:54

The landlord goes, "Are you all right?"

0:25:540:25:57

The man goes, "Yeah, I'm not too bad."

0:25:570:26:01

"Can I get you a drink?"

0:26:010:26:03

"Oh, I'll have a pint of Guinness."

0:26:030:26:05

He gives him the pint of Guinness.

0:26:050:26:07

The man picks it up, looks at it, downs it in one.

0:26:070:26:11

"That's a great pint of Guinness. Good luck."

0:26:110:26:15

The landlord goes,

0:26:150:26:16

"Here, hold on a minute, you owe me 3.70 for that pint."

0:26:160:26:20

"Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah, good luck."

0:26:200:26:22

The landlord jumps over the counter, runs out, grabs him,

0:26:220:26:25

he says, "I'm not messing with you. You owe me 3.70 for that pint."

0:26:250:26:30

Your man says, "No, I don't you anything."

0:26:300:26:33

The landlord says, "How do you work that out?"

0:26:330:26:36

"Well, I never asked you for a drink.

0:26:360:26:38

"You said to me, 'Can I get you a drink?'" He says, "And I accepted."

0:26:380:26:43

He says, "Less of that now.

0:26:430:26:44

"You won't pull one over on me. You owe me 3.70.

0:26:440:26:47

"Give it to me now, or else."

0:26:470:26:50

"Or else, what?"

0:26:500:26:51

"I'll call the police."

0:26:510:26:53

"Call whoever you want."

0:26:530:26:54

So, he calls the police.

0:26:540:26:55

The police come, the whole lot, they listen to both sides of the story.

0:26:550:26:59

And the policeman turns to the landlord and said,

0:26:590:27:01

"Well, to be fair, you did offer him a drink."

0:27:010:27:03

Your man says, "He owes me 3.70 and that's the end of it."

0:27:030:27:06

The policeman says, "Well, what do you want us to do? We can't arrest him."

0:27:060:27:10

"Well, take his details. I'll bring him to court."

0:27:100:27:12

So they take his details, the whole lot goes to court.

0:27:120:27:14

The judge listens to both sides.

0:27:140:27:16

The landlord, he's got top solicitors, the whole lot.

0:27:160:27:19

The landlord goes, "You were in a public house, you had a drink,

0:27:190:27:23

"you have to pay for it." The man said, "Fair enough, then."

0:27:230:27:26

Takes out 3.70 and leaves it there.

0:27:260:27:28

"Good luck, pal." Walks out.

0:27:280:27:30

The landlord is fuming.

0:27:300:27:31

The cost of solicitors, everything like that,

0:27:310:27:33

he's back in the pub, he's giving out to all the lads

0:27:330:27:36

and the whole lot going, "Thinks he can pull one over on me?!"

0:27:360:27:39

About six weeks had passed, what happens,

0:27:390:27:42

only your man walks back into the bar.

0:27:420:27:45

The landlord - "Get out! You're barred!"

0:27:450:27:48

Your man says, "What are you talking about?"

0:27:480:27:50

He goes, "Don't give me that.

0:27:500:27:52

"You come in here and you tried to do me over a pint."

0:27:520:27:54

He said, "I won't have it. Get out of this pub now!"

0:27:540:27:57

Your man is like, going, "Hold on a minute.

0:27:570:28:00

"I've never seen you in my life."

0:28:000:28:03

And the landlord - "We were up in court! 3.70 for the pint!"

0:28:030:28:09

"I'm telling you now, sir,

0:28:090:28:11

"I've never stepped foot inside this bar before."

0:28:110:28:15

The landlord is starting to doubt himself.

0:28:150:28:17

He is looking at him and saying, "What?

0:28:170:28:21

"Well, if it wasn't you, you must have a double."

0:28:210:28:24

"Well, that's very kind of you. I'll have a large whisky. No ice."

0:28:240:28:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:32

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