Some Irish People with Jokes Some People with Jokes

This old lady in Ireland, she had a little dog and the dog died.

She'd no family, she was an orphan. She said to the local priest,

"Father, she said, "Can I bury the dog inside the gate of the church?"

"Sorry, madam," he says, "you cannot do that.

"It's consecrated ground only," he said.

"Well," she said, "I've never had anything in my life.

"I'd no father or mother, no brothers or sisters."

"I'm sorry," he says, "I can't do it."

"Well," she said, "the Protestant vicar up the road, he won't refuse £500."

And the priest said,

"Hold on a moment, you never told me the dog was a Catholic."

LAUGHTER

Two blokes sitting in the pub, and Mick say to Paddy,

"What's wrong with you? You look really miserable."

"Ah," he says, "don't talk to me." "Well, come on," he says, "tell me."

He says, "I'm fed up."

So after a few minutes, Paddy says to Mick,

"I tell you what to do."

He says, "Go home, give the missus one,

"and I'll meet you back here at seven o'clock."

So anyway, seven o'clock comes and Paddy's waiting at the bar

and in walks Mick with a big smile on his face.

He says, "Well, how did you get on?"

"Jesus," he says, "you've a lovely house."

LAUGHTER

There's a boy born and he's just a head.

They were kind of hoping for more to come out, but he's just a head.

The father is always a little bit embarrassed about it,

doesn't really get seen with him out that much.

But the boy's 18th birthday comes and the father said,

"OK, it's about time I brought him for a pint."

So he brings the head along to the bar and sits him up

and says, "I'd like a pint, please, and one for the son as well."

So, the barwoman pours a pint of stout, puts it in front of him

and a pint of stout for the boy,

and the father helps the boy to drink the stout.

And he's drinking his own when he notices that there's something

growing from the bottom of the boy's head, and it's a neck.

And the boy says, "Give me more, Dad."

"Another pint for the son."

Pours another pint. Downs that pint, and now, sure enough,

there's a torso sprouting from the neck.

"Another!" And at this stage, the whole bar is looking. "Another pint!"

And other paint is poured, and an arm sprouts, legs, the whole lot, ears.

And the boy said, "I'm a boy, I'm a real boy!

"I've legs, I've arms, I can walk."

And he gets he gets off the stool and can walk.

And the father is cheering

and the boy goes out the front onto the street,

"I'm a boy! I can walk! I can run!"

And a car comes and knocks him down.

And the barwoman looks up and says,

"He should have quit while was a head."

LAUGHTER

So, there's these two lads playing golf.

They play golf every Monday morning. They've been doing it for decades.

Anyway, one morning one of them turns up, he's got a black eye.

The other fella says to him, "Jesus, what happened?"

He said, "Well, I was at Mass yesterday

"and there was this woman in front of me

"and she was wearing a very tight skirt and the back of it, there was

"a bit of the skirt was tucked in between the cheeks of her bum,

"so I thought I'd lean forward and pull it out.

"She turned around, she smacked me in the face."

Your man goes, "Yeah, I'm not surprised."

So, they play their round of golf.

Next week, Monday morning, your man turns up and this time,

he's got the one eye which is still in recovery

and he's got a fresh black eye on the other side of his face.

So his friend says, "Did you do it again? What happened?"

He said, "Well, I was at Mass,

"standing behind the same woman, same thing had happened.

"Now, I did nothing.

"Fella next to me, he leant forward, pulled it out,

"but I knew she didn't like it like that, so I pushed it back in."

LAUGHTER

Guy goes into the doctor's, he's got a problem.

His langer is down to his knees.

Doctor says, "OK, drop your trousers."

So, he drops his trousers.

He says, "There you are, Doctor, you can see my problem.

"What can you give me for it?"

The doctor said, "Hmm."

Doctor walked over to the window, had a look out. He says, "Come here."

Came over to the window, looked out.

He says, "Do you see that silver Mercedes over there in the corner?"

He says, "Yeah." He says, "I'll give you that for it."

LAUGHTER

A guy goes into a dentist.

He said, "Got this killer of a toothache."

He says, "Lie down there, and let me have a look at it."

Opens up mouth and he says, "Oh, that'll have to come out."

He gets on with the needle and all.

The man says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going with that thing?"

He says, "Just to numb your gums."

He says, "No, no, no, needles are against my religion."

The dentist says, "Right, right.

"We'll do the gas, so, just a bit of gas on you."

"Oh, no, no, no, that's against my religion as well."

The dentist's there thinking and goes,

"Right, only one thing for it, the old style."

Pulls out a bottle of Jameson and says, "Get that into you."

The man says, "No, no, drinking is against my religion."

The dentist is getting rightly wound up now with the whole lot.

So he's there thinking.

He goes, "Viagra. What about Viagra? Is that against your religion?"

He goes, "It's not, actually, no."

He says, "Right, take two of them

"and come back to me in three hours and 25 minutes. Apparently."

And your man says, "Why? Will that kill the pain, will it?"

"No, but it'll give you something to hold on to."

LAUGHTER

Mrs Smith's husband, he goes into hospital.

He had this problem with premature ejaculation, which happens.

So, he's had the operation

and the wife has phoned up to find out the latest news.

She says, "How's the husband?"

The doctor says, "Mrs Smith, it's still touch and go."

LAUGHTER

This fella, little boy, he went to school one day

and he came home from school and he says,

"Dad, do you see our new maths teacher? She's like this."

And his father says, "What? Big breasts?"

He says, "No, arthritis."

LAUGHTER

A Scotsman and an Irish man are in hospital

and their beds are facing one another.

The Scotsman shouts to Paddy, with his thumb up like that, "Jock!"

So, Paddy replies, "Paddy!"

Everything goes quiet for a bit.

And then the Scotsman puts his thumb up again and he says, "Cancer!"

So, Paddy goes, put his thumb up, "Sagittarius!"

LAUGHTER

There was an 86-year-old man

sitting on a park bench crying his heart out.

So, this young man goes up to him, says, "What's the problem, sir?"

And the old guy said, "I'm 86 years old.

"I got married last week to a beautiful 23-year-old girl.

And the guy says, "Well, that's good."

"Yes," he said, "She can cook. "The house is always lovely.

"She's there was a welcoming smile and we make love five times a week."

And the young guy said, "Well, what's the problem?"

He says, "I can't remember where I live!"

LAUGHTER

A guy takes his wife, his highly expectant wife,

to Holles Street Hospital in Dublin to give birth

and the guy in charge there,

the head honcho says that he's invented a device,

a kind of machine, that will transfer the pains of childbirth

from the mammy to the daddy instead.

So, the husband climbs up on the machine

and the obstetrician starts it at the lowest possible setting.

Bzzz!

"Any pain?"

"Not yet. Feeling fine."

Bzzzzz!

"Any pain?"

Out shoots the baby, no pain.

"Geronimo!" cries the obstetrician. "I'll be famous forever."

The husband clambers down off the machine,

beaming and proud of a job well done.

Kisses for wife, and the bonny baby,

and then he whistles his way merrily off home

to find the milkman dead as a doorknob, lying across his doorstep.

So, I was walking through a forest one night

and a storm started brewing up.

So, I ran through a trail and I came across a monastery

and I knocked on the door and I said,

"Help! Help! I need shelter for the night."

And a monk came to the door and he goes, "My child, come in.

"We've got a room, we'll put you up for the night."

In the middle of the night I'm woken up -

crash, bang, wallop, and screaming and roaring.

So, I ran down the hallway,

went to the door where the noise was coming from and said,

"What's going on?" The monk comes to the door.

He says, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

So I'd to go back to my room, I went off.

The following year, nearly to the day,

walking through the same forest,

a storm starts brewing up, I knew there was a monastery nearby.

I knocked, I said, "Sorry about this again, caught out."

He said, "No worries, come in. You know we've got a spare room."

Fell asleep, lovely and cosy.

Middle of the night - crash, bang, wallop, wailing, screaming, roaring.

Ran down the hallway, knocked on the door, "What's going on?"

He says, "Can't tell you, you're not a monk."

Back to bed.

The following year, in the meantime, I trained to be a monk.

Wandering through the forest, peaceful,

I've got birds in my hands, I'm being a monk.

There was a storm brewing up again,

should have learned my lesson, but here I am.

Came to the door, knocked, "Have you got any shelter for the night?"

He says, "Come in." Showed me to my room.

Middle of the night - crash, bang, wallop, roars.

Ran down the hallway, knocked on the door. I said, "What's going on?"

He says, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

I says, "Ha!"

I pulled out a chalice and a chain and all sorts of monk paraphernalia.

I said, "Aha, I am!"

He says, "All right, come in."

Do you want to know what it was? Can't tell you, you're not monks.

LAUGHTER

Two nuns, a reverend mother and a novice,

said, "We'll go for a drink some night."

So, they went off for a drink

and on their way back the convent door was locked.

"How are we going to get in?"

"We'll have to climb the wall," she said.

So they were climbing the wall

and the young nun said to the reverend mother,

"I feel like a commando."

She said, "I do too, but where are we going to get one this hour of the night?"

LAUGHTER

It would be well known in the Irish community,

particularly in the '50s and '60s when I came here,

that most of the girls went to the Inisfree or the Garry Owen

or any of those dance halls just to meet up with the men.

Anyway, Paddy came along and he says to Mary, "All right for a dance?"

Mary says, "Yes, that'll be fine."

So he took a fancy to Mary, anyway, and he asked her up again.

And then asked her up particularly for the last dance.

And he says to her, "Would you like me to take you home?"

"Oh, yes, Paddy, that'd be grand. Have you got a motorcar?"

"Yes."

So, on the way home, he decided to pull into a lay-by

and decided to have his wicked way with her.

And when he'd finished he said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mary,

"Sure, God, if I'd known you were a virgin

"I'd never have gone that far."

And she said, "And if I knew you what you were after,

"Paddy, I would have taken my tights off first.

LAUGHTER

So on this man's 90th birthday,

the family got together and decided to treat him to a strip-o-gram.

So, this beautiful lady came to the door

and they got the old man to answer

and she says, "I am here to give you super sex."

He says, "What flavour soup have you got?"

LAUGHTER

It was the height of the mad cow BSE crisis

and a man takes his wife out for a meal.

They sit down, it's a very nice restaurant.

The waiter comes over, "What would you like, sir?"

"I'll have the beef, actually."

"What about the mad cow?"

"She'll have the same."

LAUGHTER

Young Mike came to London

and the first place he went was the local pub.

He was only there two minutes

and a pint of Guinness is up in front of him, and he says,

"Oh, where did that come from?"

He says, "Nigel over there bought for you."

He said, "That's grand, thanks very much."

He said, "I've got to look now for somewhere to stay."

Nigel said, "Look, you can stay here, you can stay

"in my house for the night, no problem."

He says, "Oh, that's grand. I'm only here five minutes,

"people buying me drink and giving me accommodation."

Off he went that night and he went to Nigel's house.

Nigel went upstairs, came back down dressed as a schoolboy with a cane.

He said, "You know," he says, "Nigel never went to school this morning."

He says, "He'll have to be punished."

"Oh, God, he says, I couldn't do that. You've been so good to me."

"Look," he said, "Now, it's a fact,

"never went to school this morning, must be smacked."

All the lads met Mike in the pub the next day, and of course,

they were all very interested in what happened the night before.

"Tell us this," they says, "how did you get on with Nigel?"

"Oh," he says, "I tell you one thing," he said,

"he won't be late for school tomorrow!"

LAUGHTER

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

LAUGHTER

This millionaire, he died and went to heaven and met St Peter at the gate.

So, St Peter said, "What good deeds did you do down there?"

He said, "Well, I gave one man,

"he was sleeping rough, I gave him a pound."

He said, "Another blind beggar, I gave him a pound.

"And there was another lady, she lost her purse,

"and I give her a pound for her fare home."

St Peter went in and told God and God told St Peter,

"Give him his £3 and tell him, go to hell."

APPLAUSE

Paddy walked into a chemist

and he said, "I want some deodorant, please."

She said, "Ball, aerosol?"

"No," he says, "for under my arms."

LAUGHTER

I was in a wee village in Donegal a few weeks ago

and I thought to myself, "I'll take a walk into the town."

And I saw a local sitting on the wall whittling at a wee bit of wood.

So I walked over to him and says, "Excuse me, could you tell me

"how long it would take me to walk into the town centre?"

He kept on whittling the wood.

I thought, "Maybe he didn't hear me." So, I raised my voice.

I says, "Excuse me, could you tell me how long it'll take me

"to walk into the town centre from here?"

And he kept on.

I says, "This guy's ignoring me."

So, I went to walk away and he shouts, "Oi!"

He says, "It'll take you about 20 minutes."

I says, "I've asked you twice and you didn't answer me."

He says, "I was waiting to see how fast you were walking."

LAUGHTER

You know it was the Irish that invented time?

That's why they call it o'clock.

GROANING

McCarthy was reading the paper in the local pub with a pint of Guinness.

He comes across the obituary page and to his astonishment,

he reads that he was dead.

So, he rings up his friend in astonishment,

and he asks his friend, "Have you read the newspaper today?"

And his friend says, "Yes, and where exactly are you ringing from?"

LAUGHTER

There were these two neighbours and one was Mary,

and her neighbour came in and she said,

"Oh, Mary, I've got terrible news."

"Oh," she said, "what's that?"

She said, "I sent Johnny down for a head of cabbage

"and he dropped dead."

"Oh, Mary, what did you do?"

She said, "I had to open a tin of peas."

LAUGHTER

Murphy was working a building site in London

and a crane swung around with a big skip of concrete on it,

and it cut Murphy's head off, sliced it off,

left it on the ground like a football.

The foreman said, "Bloody hell, I don't know where he lives. What am I going to do?"

Flannigan said, "Give me that head. I know where he lives."

Up he goes, picks the head up, he has it behind his back.

Knocks on the door, he says, "Are you Mrs Murphy?" She said, "I am."

"Does your husband work on a building site down town?" She said, "He does."

He said, "Has he got red hair?" She said, "He has."

"Does he wear glasses?" She said, "He does."

"Has he got an earring in his left ear?" She said, "He has."

He said, "Is that him?"

"No," she said, "he's taller than that."

LAUGHTER

We'll leave it at that, yeah?

So, it's the Last Supper and Jesus has all the apostles around him

and the main deal is over

and it's time for him to get a bit serious and he says,

"It has been a lovely evening.

"I tell you solemnly, this very evening,

"one of you seated around this table shall betray me."

And the apostles look at each other and go,

"Sure, come on, say something, John."

So John leans forward and says,

"Surely, not I, Jesus? Surely, not I?"

Jesus says, "I tell you solemnly,

"somebody seated around this table this very evening will betray me."

"Peter, go on!"

"Lord, surely, not I? Surely, not I?"

"I tell you solemnly,

"somebody seated around this table this very evening shall betray me."

So, Judas down the end is kind of thinking,

"I suppose I should say something."

"Surely, not I, Lord? Surely, not I?"

And Jesus looks at him and says...

-MOCKINGLY:

-"Surely, not I, Lord(!) Surely, not I(!)"

LAUGHTER

Two men were walking along Broadway.

One was called Liam Haughey. The other was called Frank McAdam.

As they were walking along,

they passed the FBI and they seen in the window,

"Detectives required."

So they said, "Why not? We'll go in and apply."

Frank went outside and waited while they interviewed Liam.

They asked Liam a few questions and as he was leaving they said,

"Oh, by the way," he said, "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Oh," he said, "I'm not so sure," he said.

"All right," he said, "Go out and tell your friend to come in."

So he went out and he said, "How did you get on?"

He said, "Quite good - they have me on a murder inquiry already."

LAUGHTER

I went to the doctor and I was suffering from wind

and I asked him had he got anything he could give me for wind.

And he gave a kite.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

So I went home to the wife

and I was after coming in from the pub

and she says, "You look a bit flustered, Tom, what's the problem?"

I said, "That postman from our street, he was in the pub

"and he's bragging about making love to every woman on this street."

He said he's made love to every woman on this street bar one.

"Oh," she says, "I bet it's that stuck-up bitch in number ten."

LAUGHTER

I was working in behind the bar and this guy comes up and he goes,

"Are you the boss?"

Sambuca! Tequila! Jagermeister!

I mightn't be the boss, but I do call the shots around here.

LAUGHTER

My dad regularly drank with three of his friends,

and one of these friends was a bit of a bore and a bit of a know-all.

So, one night they put him to the test.

They blindfolded him, poured out four whiskies,

and he turned round and he said, "That's the Bushmills.

"That's the Bell's.

"Jameson's.

"Teacher's."

Spot on. So, they switched the glasses round again.

He said, "That the Teacher's."

"Bushmills.

"Bell's.

And Jameson."

Spot on! They switched them around again.

"That's the Jameson.

"That's the Bell's.

"That's the Bushmills."

He says, "That's...

"That's piss!"

"We know it's piss," they said, "But whose piss is it?"

LAUGHTER

There's an Irishman, an Englishman and an American in a pub

and they begin a conversation

about who they would like to be laid next to.

And the American goes first.

He said, "I'd like to be laid next to John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

"Ask not what your country can do for you,

"but ask what you can do for your country."

And there was a collective nod of approval.

And the Englishman said he'd like to be laid next to Winston Churchill.

"We'll fight them on the beaches, we'll fight them on the fields."

And again, there was a collective nod of approval.

And the Englishman said,

"Well, Seamus, who would you like to be laid next to?"

He said, "I'd like to be laid next to Coleen Rooney -

"you know, Wayne Rooney's wife?"

"We all know who Wayne Rooney's wife is. She's not dead!"

And Seamus said, "Neither am I."

LAUGHTER

This man, he was very vain and he was in the chemist shop one day.

He was thinking of buying vanishing cream, you know, ageing cream?

He asked the girl behind the counter, he says to her,

"What age do you think I am?"

She says, "Oh, I don't know." She says, "About 40?"

He says, "No, actually, I'm 45."

He goes into the paper shop next door

and says to the girl behind the counter there,

"What age do you think I am?"

And she says, "About 40?"

"Oh, no," he says, "I'm 45."

Walks down the road, stands at the bus stop

and there was this old lady, about 85.

He says, "Madam, can I ask you a question?

"What age do you think I am?"

She says, "Well, there's only one way to tell," she says.

And he says, "How is that?"

"Well," she says, if you loosen your trousers," she says,

"And I can put my hand there, down," she says, "I'll be able to tell."

So, he undoes his trousers and the old lady puts her hand down

and she looks up at the sky with a big smile on her.

She's down for about half a minute. She takes her hand back out.

"You're 45," she says.

"Oh, my God," he says. "How the hell did you know that?"

She says, "I was behind you in the queue in the chemist."

LAUGHTER

I came out of the shop the other day,

I was just getting in the car, and this young fella come up,

and he said, "Do you want to buy a sat nav?"

I told him to get lost.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

This American tourist visited Ireland

on his way to find his ancestral home.

They hired a car. They headed for County Clare.

On the most rural part of Clare you could find, the car broke down

and there was no-one around, only two horses in a field.

One horse was looking out over the wall.

There was steam coming out of the bonnet

and he heard this voice say, "It's the fan belt."

So he looked around, and there was nobody around only this horse.

He got a pair of tights and he tied it on to the fan belt

and drove to the nearest garage.

And he says, "Funny thing happened to me when I broke down."

He said, "I heard this voice saying, 'It's the fan belt.'

"There was nobody around, only two horses."

And the mechanic says, "Was it a white horse or a black horse?"

"It was a black horse," he said.

"You're lucky, because the white horse knows nothing about cars."

LAUGHTER

There was this travelling salesman and he broke down

in the middle of nowhere and he headed up to this farmhouse

and he knocked on the door, and this farmer came to the door with a shot gun.

He says, "What the hell do you want?"

He says, "Excuse me, I've broken down. I need somewhere to rest for the night.

"You've a big house, do you mind if I stay?

The farmer says, "Absolutely no way."

He says, "You've got a big house, why not?"

He says, "Cos I've got two lovely daughters and I don't want you anywhere near them.

"But you can lie in that van out there

"and I'll send one of the girls out with blankets to you."

So, the two girls, one was Nellie, one was Jeanis.

He sent Nellie out with the blankets.

The two girls, they were 25, but they'd never seen a man before.

The woman seen the guy, and she fell in love with him straightaway.

So, they got together, had a little bit of jiggy-jiggy,

got out of the van, back in, and told Jeanis all about it.

Jeanis says, "If you're having some, I'm having some, too."

So, she went out to the van anyway, little bit of jiggy-jiggy,

back into the house, next morning, the travelling salesman wakes up

and he gives his business card to the farm.

He says, "Thank you very much for your hospitality.

"If you ever want me to return the favour, please get in contact."

Nothing was heard until about three months later,

and the travelling salesman got a letter from the farm that says,

Dear Sir... Are you the one that done the pushing,

left spots upon the cushion

and the footprints on the dashboard upside down?

Since being with our Nellie she's had trouble with her belly,

sir, I really think it's time you called around.

So, the guy panicked a little bit. He decided to write back.

He says, Dear Farmer...

Yes, I am the one that done the pushing and left the spots upon the cushion

and the footprints on the dashboard upside down

but since being with your Jeanis

I've had trouble with my penis,

so I think it's 50-50 all around.

APPLAUSE

A guy walks into a pub.

The landlord is in behind the bar and he's pulling pints,

chatting away to his customers.

Your man just stands there looking at him.

The landlord goes, "Are you all right?"

The man goes, "Yeah, I'm not too bad."

"Can I get you a drink?"

"Oh, I'll have a pint of Guinness."

He gives him the pint of Guinness.

The man picks it up, looks at it, downs it in one.

"That's a great pint of Guinness. Good luck."

The landlord goes,

"Here, hold on a minute, you owe me 3.70 for that pint."

"Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah, good luck."

The landlord jumps over the counter, runs out, grabs him,

he says, "I'm not messing with you. You owe me 3.70 for that pint."

Your man says, "No, I don't you anything."

The landlord says, "How do you work that out?"

"Well, I never asked you for a drink.

"You said to me, 'Can I get you a drink?'" He says, "And I accepted."

He says, "Less of that now.

"You won't pull one over on me. You owe me 3.70.

"Give it to me now, or else."

"Or else, what?"

"I'll call the police."

"Call whoever you want."

So, he calls the police.

The police come, the whole lot, they listen to both sides of the story.

And the policeman turns to the landlord and said,

"Well, to be fair, you did offer him a drink."

Your man says, "He owes me 3.70 and that's the end of it."

The policeman says, "Well, what do you want us to do? We can't arrest him."

"Well, take his details. I'll bring him to court."

So they take his details, the whole lot goes to court.

The judge listens to both sides.

The landlord, he's got top solicitors, the whole lot.

The landlord goes, "You were in a public house, you had a drink,

"you have to pay for it." The man said, "Fair enough, then."

Takes out 3.70 and leaves it there.

"Good luck, pal." Walks out.

The landlord is fuming.

The cost of solicitors, everything like that,

he's back in the pub, he's giving out to all the lads

and the whole lot going, "Thinks he can pull one over on me?!"

About six weeks had passed, what happens,

only your man walks back into the bar.

The landlord - "Get out! You're barred!"

Your man says, "What are you talking about?"

He goes, "Don't give me that.

"You come in here and you tried to do me over a pint."

He said, "I won't have it. Get out of this pub now!"

Your man is like, going, "Hold on a minute.

"I've never seen you in my life."

And the landlord - "We were up in court! 3.70 for the pint!"

"I'm telling you now, sir,

"I've never stepped foot inside this bar before."

The landlord is starting to doubt himself.

He is looking at him and saying, "What?

"Well, if it wasn't you, you must have a double."

"Well, that's very kind of you. I'll have a large whisky. No ice."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE