Some Funeral Directors with Jokes Some People with Jokes

This programme contains some strong language

One day, Satan arrived in the village and it was a Sunday

and he went into the church.

And he walked in and as he walked in, people turned round

and they saw him and they were terrified.

And they started screaming and they were running

and as he walked down the front, even the vicar ran out screaming.

And he walked in all proud and hard,

and he noticed there was one wee man still sitting there.

So he turned round and he looked at him and he says,

"Do you know who I am?"

And the wee man says, "Aye."

"Why do you not fear me?!" He says, "Well...

"I've been married to your sister for 27 years."

LAUGHTER

Mr Duck is having an affair.

He's at a top-class swanky hotel with his secretary, Miss Duck.

They're about to get intimate,

when they both realise neither of them have got a condom.

So Mr Duck phones down to reception and requests one.

A porter comes up, knocks on the door

and hands the condom over to Mr Duck.

"Would you like us to put it on your bill?" He said,

"No! I'll suffocate!"

LAUGHTER

Three nuns waiting at the pearly gates

and St Peter stands there looking at them

and he says to the first nun, "How long have you been a nun?"

She says, "Oh, I'm a novice. I've only been a nun for a couple of years now."

So St Peter says, "Well, in order for you to get through the pearly gates,

"I need to ask you a question."

So he says, "What was Joseph's wife's name?"

And the nun says, "Mary." He goes, "Well done, in you go."

St Peter says to the second nun,

"How long have you been a nun?" She says, "Oh, about ten years."

He goes, "In that case, I need to ask you a slightly more difficult question.

"Erm...

"What was put on Jesus' head just before he was crucified?"

And the nun stands there thinking and she says,

"Crown of thorns." St Peter says, "Well done, in you go."

Third nun steps forward, St Peter says,

"How long have you been a nun?" "I've been a nun for all my life.

"I am completely dedicated to God."

So St Peter says,

"Well, in that case, I've got to ask you a much more difficult question."

"What were Eve's first words to Adam?"

And the nun looks and goes, "Oh, that's a hard one."

He goes, "Well done, in you go."

Two guys walking across a golf course and, er,

they came up to the main road. Just at that point,

a hearse was driving past with two limousines behind it.

One took his cap off, buried his head in reverence

and his mate looked at him and said,

"I didn't know, Alan, that you were religious in any way."

He said, "I'm not

-"but she was a good wife to me, so..."

-LAUGHTER

So the Grim Reaper paid me a visit last night,

I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

LAUGHTER

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve.

They get to the pearly gates and Peter says to them,

"Lads, because it's Christmas, there's a theme tonight."

"The only way you're going to get into here is

"if you've got something festive."

So the first man goes through his pockets and pulls out a lighter.

Lights the lighter and says,

"That represents a candle."

Peter goes, "Great, you're in."

Second man comes up, he's going through his pockets,

pulls out some keys, rattles them.

"These represent bells."

Peter says, "That's great, you're in."

The third man starts panicking, goes through his pockets,

looking everywhere

and pulls out a skimpy pair of knickers.

And Peter goes, "What the hell are them?!"

And he goes,

"They're Carol's."

LAUGHTER

There's a family apartment, a mum and dad, an older sister

and a younger brother.

And the boy is sort of getting on ten, something like that,

interested enough to wonder

what's going on in his older sister's bedroom.

He can hear strange noises and when mum and dad are out,

he looks through the keyhole and in front of this long mirror,

his older sister is naked

and she's fondling her breasts like this.

"Oooh!"

"I want a man. I want a man!"

-She's playing with herself.

-HE GASPS

The little boy's very excited. Anyway, so mum and dad come in, he zooms off.

A few days later, mum and dad out again,

he goes back to the keyhole,

there's his sister again, naked in front of this long mirror

fondling herself like this, "Oh, oh, I want a man.

"Oh, I want a man."

So, anyway, he scoots off.

Well, the next week mum and dad out again,

looks through the keyhole...

His sister isn't there.

He looks around, there on the bed, two pairs of feet in opposite

directions and all sorts of grunting and groaning going on.

There's obviously a man in her bed.

He's very excited by this.

He runs back to his own room, he takes his clothes off,

he starts rubbing his nipples, saying,

"I want a bike! I want a bike!"

LAUGHTER

There was a little boy digging a hole in his garden

and the neighbour came along the fence.

He says, "What are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm digging a hole for my pet goldfish."

The neighbour looked at him and said,

"It's a very big hole for a pet goldfish, isn't it?"

The little boy said, "Not really...

"It's in your fucking cat." Sorry...

A mouse is going through the jungle

and alongside this footpath he was walking on,

there was a large river.

As he's walking along, he sees a rhinoceros in the water

and he said to the rhinoceros,

"Come here, I want a word with you."

So the rhinoceros came out and the mouse said,

"No forget it, I don't want to see you any more.

"I don't want to talk to you now. Go back in."

As he walked a bit further along, he came to a hippopotamus.

He said, "Hippo, come here a minute, I want a word."

And as he comes out of the water, the mouse said, "No, forget it.

"I don't want to talk to you any more."

As he walks a bit further, he comes to an elephant.

He said, "Oi, pal, come here a minute, I want a word."

And as it walked out of the water, the mouse said, "No, forget it.

"I don't want to talk to you any more."

As it walked on, there's a lion lying underneath a tree.

And the lion said,

"Excuse me, but why did you pull all them

"three animals out of the water

"and you told them to go back?

"Why did you do that?"

He said, "Because I'm trying to find out who's nicked me trunks."

LAUGHTER

Daddy balloon, baby balloon and mummy balloon are all

sat in the lounge at him and daddy balloon says, "Right, baby balloon.

"You've got to go to bed." Baby balloon says,

"But mummy balloon, daddy balloon, can I sleep with you tonight?"

"No, you can't. You've got to sleep in your own bedroom." So off he goes to bed.

About 12 o'clock at night, baby balloon hears mummy balloon and daddy balloon go to bed.

About one o'clock he sneaks into their bedrooms

and tries to sneak in between them and he can't quite get in.

So he thinks, "I know what I'll do."

So he undoes daddy balloon's knot, lets a bit of air out, ties him back up again.

Tries again, still can't get in.

Undoes mummy's knot, lets a bit of air out, does it back up again.

He still can't get in. So he undoes his own knot,

lets a bit of air out, ties himself back up again and squeezes in.

In he morning, seven o'clock, daddy balloon wakes up and says,

"What are you doing in my bedroom? Get downstairs now!"

So mummy balloon, baby balloon and daddy balloon are in the lounge

and daddy balloon says, "Do you know what you've done?"

"You've let your mum down, you've let me down

"and worst of all, you let yourself down!"

Love that one.

I got a phone call off me mate the other night saying,

"Keith, I don't know what it is, every morning I feel terrible.

I just can't get up."

I said, "what you need to do is get some shoe polish

"and some yeast, drink it before you go to bed."

He said, "Will that make me feel better?" I said,

Yeah, it'll make you rise and shine."

LAUGHTER

Me wife texted me last night, told me that she was in casualty.

I watched the programme for 50 minutes,

didn't see sight nor sound of her.

She's still not back today.

Don't know where she is. I'm starving as well.

There's a really young couple and the woman fell pregnant

and they had identical twin boys.

But sadly, they had to give them up for adoption.

Many years passed and the woman turned to the man who was then

her husband and said, "I'd really like to track down our boys."

And the dad agreed, so they set about searching

and they discovered that the first of the identical twins was in Spain

and his adopted family had called him Juan, and the second

identical twin was in Egypt and his family had called him Amal.

They got in contact with Juan's family and they went out

to see him in Spain and they had a lovely time and it was really great.

And when they got back, the mum said,

"Oh, I can't wait to see our other son, Amal." To her surprise,

her husband kind of looked like he wasn't that interested and she said,

"What's the matter, don't you want to see him?" And he said, "Well...

"Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

My best friend has sadly just died,

had severe heartburn.

I can't believe Gav is gone.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

I had an awkward moment yesterday.

We've got this beautiful girl lives next to us

and she questioned me about missing lingerie off the washing line.

Bugger me, I nearly shit her knickers.

There was a funeral of a heart surgeon

and he was a very popular and famous heart surgeon.

And at his funeral, they did a lovely thing

because when they got to the catafalque and put the coffin

on the catafalque, they had roses in the shape of a heart.

So the coffin went through the heart-shaped roses.

And after the funeral, some of the specialists -

medical specialists - were chatting to one another

and one said to another fella, "You know, that was just lovely.

"That heart going through a heart.

"When I die, when it's my funeral, I want that as well.

"Wouldn't you?" And the other fella says, "Oh, no, not me."

He says, "Why not?" He says,

"Oh, I'm a gynaecologist."

LAUGHTER

I was in a graveyard the other day and I saw four pallbearers

walking round with a coffin on their shoulders.

Two minutes later, went straight past again.

Five minutes later, they passed me again.

Four bearers looking tired, funeral director I thought...

"I think they've lost the plot."

There's a family of three, a husband wife and their daughter and they live in the middle of nowhere

and the daughter is really, really innocent.

She's got no idea about anything.

So, anyway, one night she's invited out to the cinema by this

really handsome bloke.

So the following morning her parents say to her,

"How'd you get on last night?" She said,

"Oh, it was lovely but I laughed."

And they said, "What happened?" She said,

"Went into the cinema and we went up to the counter

"and we bought some Maltesers.

"And I laughed."

So they said, "Why did you laugh?" She said, "No, there's more, listen.

"We were sitting in the back row watching the film,

"and he put his hand up my top and I laughed!"

And they said, "Why did you laugh?" She said, "No, there's more!"

She said, "We were sitting there and he put his hand up my skirt. And, oh, I laughed!"

And the parents said, "Why did you laugh?"

She said, "The Maltesers were in my pocket all the time!"

The fella was sitting in the living room with his wife.

And he decided he was going to sort out his funeral.

So he said, "If I should die before you, would you marry again?"

"Yes, I probably would."

He said, "Would you sleep in our matrimonial bed?"

She says, "Yes, I think so."

He says, "Hmm, would you let him use my golf clubs?"

She says, "Oh, no, he's left-handed."

I went back home one night, the wife was sat at the kitchen table

counting out all the 5ps and 10ps.

All of a sudden she got very angry, shouting, crying uncontrollably.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

LAUGHTER

There's a chap travelling along in the taxi, he suddenly thought,

"I better ask the driver something."

Tapped him on the shoulder, at which point the driver went,

"Argh," screamed, and he just drove up onto the pavement,

nearly crashed into a shop window.

"I'm so sorry, I really didn't know you'd react like that,"

and he said, "It's OK, mate,

"it's not really your fault, it's just that it's

"my first day as a taxi driver.

"The last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."

APPLAUSE Ba-boom!

A duck walks into a bar.

Says to the barman, "You got any bread?"

The barman says, "No, we haven't got any bread. So the duck goes out.

Next day, the duck comes in again, "You got any bread?"

He said, "You came in yesterday. We haven't got any bread."

So the duck goes out again. The next day, the duck goes in again.

"You got any bread?" The barman says,

"We have not got any bloody bread!"

"If you come in here one more time, asking me for some bread,

"I'll nail your bloody beak to the bar."

"Got any nails?"

"No, I haven't got any nails!"

"Got any bread?"

LAUGHTER

A friend of mine recently went into hospital.

He had to have a circumcision.

Unfortunately, the surgeon wasn't very good, and very short-sighted.

Consequently, he got the sack.

LAUGHTER

A fellow walks into the pub and says, "Ten double whiskies."

And the barman says, "Why, what's the matter?"

And said, "I've just found out my son's gay."

The next night he walks in, "12 double whiskies."

"God, you again, what's the matter?"

"I've just found out my other son's gay."

Goes in the third night, "15 double whiskies."

The barman says, "Does anybody in your family like woman?"

"He said, "Yeah, my wife, apparently."

LAUGHTER

I've heard on the news today that there was a crash

between a cement mixer and a prison van.

The police are looking out for 16 hardened criminals.

LAUGHTER

German man, on holiday, lands in Warsaw,

goes up to the immigration desk.

The officer says, "Occupation?"

The German says,

"No, I'm just here on holiday."

LAUGHTER

It's Hymie's last day as village postman.

And he goes down the road and it's Mrs Solomons' house.

She comes out, "Hymie, it's your last day as postman. Congratulations.

"Here, from me and Mr Solomons, a bottle of whisky.

"Have a drink, enjoy your retirement."

"Thank you, Mrs Solomons."

He goes down the road to Mrs Abrahams' house.

"Ah, Hymie, it's your last day as postman.

"I would like to give you this book token.

"We know you like to read, now you've got leisure, enjoy your time off."

He goes down the road to his other friend, Mrs Leibovitz comes out.

"Hymie, it's your last day. Come inside. Come inside.

"I've prepared for you a lovely breakfast."

So he goes in and there it is - smoked salmon and scrambled eggs

and toast and coffee and everything, really nice breakfast.

And they have breakfast.

And she says afterwards, "Hymie, this is your last day.

"I know the way you've been looking at me over the years.

"Come on, let's go upstairs."

And they go upstairs. And a very nice time they have.

And come back down.

And as he's about to go,

Mrs Leibovitz says to Hymie, "Here you are,

"here's £5, buy yourself a drink."

"Mrs Leibovitz, you've been so generous with everything,

"thank you so much."

"Hymie, think nothing of it,

"last night Mr Leibovitz and I were talking,

"I said, 'It's Hymie's last day as postman, what are we going to do?'

"And Mr Leibovitz said, "Screw him! Give him a fiver!"

LAUGHTER

"But, you know, the breakfast was my idea."

Our local vicar was in his garden and he was having a wank.

Anyway, the local tosser came by and saw him

and thought, "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah," he says.

So he goes over and he says, "I'm going to tell everybody,

"unless you buy this dog for 200 quid."

This mangy old dog he had there. He said, "I don't want that dog!"

He said, "I'll tell everybody. So, he said, "All right, then."

So he lays out the money. Gives him the money. Off he goes.

Two weeks later he's down the local pub, and he has this dog with him.

One of the parishioners said to him, "Where did you get that dog from?"

So he said, "Oh, I bought it the other week." So he said,

"Oh. How much did you pay for it, then?" He said, "200 quid."

He said, "Oh, he saw you coming!"

LAUGHTER

There's two nuns and a Mother Superior walking across the desert.

They have no water, they have walked for days

and all they've got is this bag of flour.

They don't know where they're going, they can't see anything on the horizon.

The Mother Superior said, "Things are getting quite desperate now.

"We need to think very quickly in order to survive."

So the two nuns started looking at each other, scratching

their heads, and the Mother Superior said, "I've got an idea.

"We've got a bag of flour. One of the nuns said, "We've got no water."

She said, "No, I've had an idea."

She said, "If we create this bit of a hole in the sand

"and put a rock in the bottom, and we put the sand on it, if we all

"try really hard to take a pee, we'll see if we can pee

"in the flour, this blistering heat, we might be able to make some bread."

Anyway, the first nun, she stands over this mound of the flour.

Tries her hardest, nothing happens.

Said, "I'm so sorry, Mother Superior. She went, "No problem, child."

Asked the next nun to come forward.

She really tries hard to have a pee and she just can't do it,

she says, "I'm so sorry, Mother Superior."

She said, "Please don't worry, let's see what I can do."

Mother Superior stands over this pile of flour, she strains, she groans.

She strains some more.

She strains so hard, she lets out a huge fart, she blows

all the flour away, and the two nuns piss themselves with laughter.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Someone asked me the other day what I want on my headstone.

I thought for a minute and said, "Husband of the above."

LAUGHTER

I've just come back from a funeral.

A friend of mine got killed while he was playing tennis.

It was a beautiful service.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

I'm no longer a funeral director.

I've now got a job as a hostage negotiator.

I tried to phone in sick the other day,

but they talked me out of it.

LAUGHTER

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one eye and one leg?

A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one eye, one leg, making love?

A bonky wonky donkey.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

LAUGHTER

What do you call a French man who's wearing a pair of sandals?

Phil-ippe Flop.

So what do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love

and playing the piano?

A honky-tonky binky wonky donkey.

And what do you call a donkey who is making love with one leg and with

one eye, playing the piano, wearing blue suede shoes

and driving a truck?

Very talented.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I went to a cannibal's party last night.

I had a ball.

LAUGHTER

This is really bad, so I just warn you in advance.

A lorry-load of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

What a "turtle" disaster.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Sorry!

MAN: You were right!

A man goes to the doctor's with a top hat on.

Said to the doctor, "I've got a slight problem."

And the doctor said, "Why, what is it?" So he took his hat off.

And he's got a little tree on his head.

The doctor said, "That's strange. I've never seen anything like this before."

He said, "Take two tablets, come back in two weeks' time."

Two weeks later he goes back. The doctor says, "How is it feeling now?

"Is it any different?" He said, "Yes, it is."

He says, "There's a little duck pond next to the tree.

"Two little ducks in it."

He said, "That's very strange. I've never had anything like this before.

"Take two tablets and then come back in a fortnight."

Two weeks later he goes back. He said to the man,

"How are you feeling these days?"

He says, "It's still there. I have a little tree with little birds in.

"The duck pond's there with little ducks in.

"There's a park bench with two old ladies feeding the ducks."

He said, "This is very, very, very strange."

He said, "But I think I know what it is."

He said, "What is it, Doctor?"

He said, "It's a beauty spot."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Young lady goes to the doctor's, she's not very well endowed as far as her breasts are concerned,

she's worried about it.

She said, "What can I do to enhance my breasts?"

He said, "I'll give you some ointment

"and you stand in front of the mirror every day and rub it on.

"You say, 'I must, I must increase my bust.

'I must, I must, increase my bust.'

So she says, "Fine." She does it for about three weeks

and something seems to be happening.

She's stood at the bus stop one day and thinks, "Crikey,

"I've not put the cream on this morning. I must do it every morning."

So surreptitiously she opens her blouse, puts her hand in, she goes,

"I must, I must, increase my bust.

"I must, I must increase my bust." And a guy goes up to her

and goes, "Here, do you go to Dr Jones?" She says "Yes, I do.

"How do you know?" He goes, "Hickory dickory dock!"

This woman goes round to visit the local vicar

and she says, "Vicar, I have this real problem.

"I've bought this parrot and all she ever says is "I'm a prostitute,

"I'm a prostitute, I'm a prostitute." I need some help.

So the vicar says, "That's all right.

"My two parrots, they are constantly praying.

"Bring your parrot round we'll put it in the cage with mine,

and then hopefully my two will teach your bird to pray."

So the following day she takes her parrot round to the vicar's

she puts the cage next to the vicar's cage and her parrot's saying,

"I am a prostitute, I'm a prostitute, I'm prostitute."

And the vicar's two parrots look at each other and go, "Stop praying,

"this is what we want!"

This fella walks into a bar and as he goes up to the bar there's

the most beautiful woman sitting on the bar stool next to him.

As he's about to order his drink

he looks round and she makes eyes at him.

He thinks to himself, "Aye, aye, this is interesting."

He asks the young lady if she'd like a drink and she accepted.

So he turns and they start chatting, so he says, "What's your name?"

She says, "My name's Carmen." He said, "That's a beautiful name."

She said, "Well, yes, that's my name because I like two things.

"I like car and I like men, so my name's Carmen."

He goes, "That's really, really interesting."

She says, "What's your name?" He says, "Charlie Beer Minge."

Two nuns on a park bench when a guy comes up in a long coat

and whips his coat open and flashes them.

One nun had a stroke, the other one couldn't quite reach!

A young girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

There's a magician working on a cruise ship

and every night he would astound new audiences with his tricks.

But the captain of the ship had a pet parrot

and he'd seen the tricks hundreds of times

and he was getting really bored, so for a bit of fun he thought

he'd start shouting out how the tricks were done.

So, when the magician made a rabbit disappear the parrot would shout,

"He's under the table!"

And then when he made a bunch of flowers appear out of thin air, he said,

"They were up his sleeve all along!"

So the next day the ship hit a rock and sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

The magician survived and he managed to swim

and cling onto a plank of wood that was floating. When he looked up

he saw that the parrot was at the other end of the plank.

He stared at the parrot with hatred and the parrot stared back

and they didn't say anything for three days.

And then the parrot eventually broke the silence and said,

"All right, I give up, what have you done with the ship?"

A chicken walks into a library.

He goes up to the librarian and goes, "Booook."

The librarian gives him a book.

The chicken leaves the library.

Two days later the chicken walks back into the library,

and goes, "Boook, boook."

So the librarian gives him two books.

Five days later, the chicken walks in again.

Goes to the librarian and goes,

"Boook, boook, boook, boook, boook."

The librarian gives him five books.

At this point the librarian's very suspicious so he follows the chicken home.

Eventually he gets to where the chicken lives,

chicken goes through the front door.

The librarian sneaks up to the window, which is slightly open,

and he looks in and there's a frog sitting in a chair.

The chicken goes up to the frog and gives him the books,

and the frog says,

"Readit, readit, readit, readit, readit."

LAUGHTER

The lady of the manor comes home, walks up the stairs.

"Jeeves, take my coat off."

"Yes, m'lady."

"Jeeves, take my shoes off."

"Yes, m'lady."

"Jeeves, take my dress off."

"Yes, m'lady."

"Jeeves, undo my bra.

"If I catch you wearing my clothes again you're sacked. "

This guy gets a job at a private zoo and the gaffer gives him three tasks.

The first task is to clean out the tropical fish pond.

So he goes along with his spade, starts clearing out the seaweed

and this almighty tropical fish jumps out and bites him on the arm.

Instinctively he swings the spade and hits the fish, kills it instantly.

He thinks, "That's not good. What can I do?"

Has a look, sees the lion enclosure.

Says "I know, I'll throw it over there cos lions will eat anything."

He goes on to the next task of the day, which is cleaning out the ape house.

He goes in there, starts shovelling away, cleaning all the mess up.

All of a sudden these chimpanzees attack him with coconuts.

Again, instinctively, he starts swinging out with the spade,

kills several of the chimps.

He remembers, "I'll throw them into the lion enclosure

"cos the lions will eat anything."

The chap goes on to his last job of the day,

cleaning out and tidying up the South American beehives.

All of a sudden all these bees start attacking him.

Without a thought he starts swinging the spade left, right and centre

and smashes these bees to a pulp.

Knowing what to do now,

he shovels everything up, tosses the bees over into the lion enclosure.

The next day a new lion arrives.

And he says, "By the way, what's the food like here?"

The head lion turns around and says,

"Yesterday we were treated to fish, chimps and mushy bees."

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

A little boy threw his toast out the window. Why?

Cos he wanted to see the butterfly.

I'm not saying that I'm an unlucky bloke

but I was at a funeral the other day and I caught the wreath.

There was a motorbike and a sidecar hearse rider,

and he loved to go fast.

At a funeral, the family said to him, "Would you go fast?

"Would you go really fast?" He says, "OK."

They're on the funeral, he's bombing down the road but he didn't realise there's a roundabout

and as the bike went round the roundabout it went round too fast

and the coffin came flying out and went through a shop window.

And it was the shop window of a chemist.

"Oh," he thought, "Oh, no!" So he ran in and said to the chemist,

"Have you got something to stop my coffin?"

The difference between the English cricket team and a funeral director.

The funeral director won't lose the ashes.